Same house, separate lives

[@nessiequin]

Currently happening to me. Thank you for this information. This is such a difficult situation.

[@mariancounsellor]

Vanessa you’re welcome. Yes, it definitely is a difficult situation and I hope that you find the best solution for you.

[@osdanyjacobo561]

Me to how everything turn out for you?

[@lisarheinberg2162]

Thank you for this advice. Am wanting a divorce but living abroad with husband and we are midway through a diplomatic posting. I have the choice of pulling the kids out of their school & moving them back to the UK far away from their father (which seems unfair to both him and them) or find some way of living the next 2 years separately but in the same house. Also, can't really move out on my own as I am a stay at home mum and don't speak the language of our host country very well.

[@mariancounsellor]

Lisa Rheinberg There’s a lot to consider so definitely take your time with any decisions you are going to make. There are no easy options or choices when it comes to separating from a partner. Maybe you could write down all of the pros and cons.

[@sandracockrum17]

Great advice, thank you

[@mariancounsellor]

You’re very welcome

[@youtoo2233]

This is me, married with 4 grown kids, separated but still in the same house, its torture living with my former lover, the mother of my kids who doesn't want me to touch her anymore. It really hurts, depressed, and she just goes on like no big deal happy as can be. I have to find some way to move on but its definitely not easy.

[@mariancounsellor]

Zepron Thank you for sharing your story. It must be so difficult to live with someone who you have previously been in a relationship with. I hope that you are able to maintain boundaries and take care of your emotional wellbeing until you both are in a position where you can find a solution that is best for everyone involved. All my best to you.

[@youtoo2233]

@@mariancounsellor thank you! I think we are now at a point we are both financially stable enough to separate into 2 homes but it's still extremely hard, we have lived together for 31 years

[@mariancounsellor]

You Too yes it must be difficult emotionally when you have been in a relationship for that long. Do what feels right for you both at the right time.

[@kimbershark]

I wish I could have seen this 2 years ago when my fiance of 6 years left me for our mutual friend (also his coworker). We had been together a little over 4 years and were living together when we decided to buy a home together. He wanted to move more down south about an hour away from my parents. I don't have any friends really so my Mom is my bestfriend. Anyways his Grandpa who I love deeply to this day gave us 10k towards the manufactured home we bought and my parents gave us $2,500. My parents are retired and don't have a ton of money. His Grandpa however is loaded! He moved here from California to be near my ex's mom. He bought his house $400k in cash. He offered to buy his daughter a house just so she would move out of her then apt and live closer to him 😳 she now lives with him, which is good as his health is deteriorating. I'm still close with his mom too. Anyways, he had been acting different and you know as a woman we tend to get premonitions? Well about a week before he left me I told my daughter I think .... is going to leave me. I just had this awful gut wrenching feeling that was too strong to shake. All couples go through good and bad times. A relationship is like the ocean. You have to learn to ride out the waves. So he comes home one day from work and out of the blue he says we need to break up. As you can imagine my heart felt like it sank to my stomach and I asked why? Of course he said it was him not me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I started crying uncontrollably and I remember asking who the girl is because people don't just leave. He denied having any one else he told me that me and my daughter could stay in the house until summer which was about 3 months away. This is where things turned a bit ugly I told him that my daughter has been through enough consider in her dad left me after 9 years for another woman I thought we were taken a break and me and my daughter moved back to my parents and literally in 2 days he had his new girlfriend and her 3 kids move in. She started wearing my clothes selling my shoes it was awful so I told my ex that I wasn't gonna put my daughter through that again he wanted to move all the way out to where we live now me and my daughter and boyfriend. He never wanted me to work So I would take care of the house and etc. He would conveniently you start against me whenever we got in an argument. Long story short my mom and dad thankfully by the grace of God were able to pay off our manufactured home. My dad told me when we bought that home together that I make sure that my name is on the title of the house and I am so thankful he told me that because if my name was and on that title my ex would have kicked me out on the street. So my ex Said OKBut he wanted his $10000 back that his grandpa gave to both of us. I called his mom up and talk to her and her dad and he said that money was meant to go to the house and if he wants to leave then let him leave that money stays with the house. Well he was threatening to take me to court to get me kicked out it was a nightmare or so my mom ended up paying him the $10000 on top of pain off the loan. It was hard because my mom and daughter retired there on fixed income and my ex wanted everything in right in which we talk to a lawyer but it would be too hard to do it was awful and during this time while we were waiting in for the money to get transferred my mom was giving him a couple 1000 here and there and my ex would come in-and-out of the house unannounced of course and he would act horrible. Well fast forward a couple months and we actually start getting along a little bit better but he comes over one day to visit and certs crying well I found out that the woman he left me for was no other than his coworker that he introduced to me that I had hung out with. She was married and had been with her husband for over 11 years we used to go over to their house and hang out as couples and play cards 3 games. And what's ironic is my daughter's dad left me the day before April fools so everyone thought it was this big joke my ex ended up believing a few weeks just shy of April 1st so at this point I'm starting to think either God is punishing me or karma is coming to bite me i* t** a** for something I've done. Anyways sorry this is so long but I really wish that I would have saw this video when I was going through that horrible time my mom ended up in the hospital because she was ready to have a heart attack the stress was unreal his dad in stepmom started badma the me sane stuff online like I was a moocher and his stepmom knew how much I loved my ex I would bend over backwards for him I cooked him dinner every night cleans for him. I was a perfect in the relationship with my daughter's Dowd and I like to think that I had learned from it so I tried to be better and my relationship with my ex. It's been 2 years now which is crazy he ended up marrying the woman he left me for my heart goes out to her husband if there's one thing I can't stand in this world it's a home wrecker. When you start out a relationship with lies and deceit it most likely is gonna have the same end in. I think the hardest part for me though was seen my ex boyfriend's mom get close to this woman. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. All I could think was why him out of all the people in the world why did you have to take the one person that I love more than life itself. I have a new boyfriend now hes quite a bit younger than me I love him but I don't know if I will ever be able to love like I did my ex broke something inside me I don't know if that can ever fully be repaired and not something that I have come to accept. Anyways if any of you made it this far thank you for reading and if you're going through a hard time I know the sounds cliche but time does heal at least it take some of the pain away makes it a little duller. But my words of advice are to allow yourself that time to grieve because when you go through a break up it is like losing someone to death there are no longer in your life and I truly believe that your heart doesn't know the difference. Take care. P.S. I'm using voice text for the last half of this paragraph so if you see some strange words or grammar mistakes please just ignore them 😊

[@mariancounsellor]

Thanks for sharing such a detailed and personal story. It really is difficult to break up with someone but then still live with them and still have feelings for them. I wish you all the best for the future 💕

[@DithsHauteSpot]

Just curious. Any updates on this situation?

[@soul832006]

I really need help for my situation too. Since January, she moved into the second bedroom in our 2 bedroom apartment. We have a 3 year old son together. He co sleeps because there isn't the room now. I hate the bed in the spare room because it's too hard for my back. She is happy having her own space and clothes cupboard/ensuite. We are still intimate and she wants another child. But I am so sad that we have separated bedrooms. I can't stand it. I'm stuck in a debilitating state of anxiety and sadness every time I think about it. I will be so unhappy if I leave her but I am also so unhappy with the current arrangement. I just want her to sleep in the same bed as me :( My marriage is far from what I had envisioned for my life. So far from the happy life I had hoped for 10 years ago. We have been married for almost 10 years. Yes I have suffered emotional, psychological and physical abuse from her. I just feel powerless and wish I could have something more normal. Actually one thing I have thought about doing that will probably upset her: clearing out the storage and deconstructing both beds. Putting a larger bed into one of the rooms and have my son's bed in the same or 2nd bedroom. So one day she comes home and the only bed she has to choose from is the marital bed 😆

[@mariancounsellor]

The first thing I would recommend is that you consider what it is that you truly want and deserve. It is difficult when you’re in a marriage and have children but not sharing a bed together. However, the fact that you are both still being intimate means that there’s a lack of boundaries especially if there’s been psychological and physical abuse. That’s the more serious issue for you to think about in terms of considering what action to take. Have you thought about accessing a therapist in your local area to explore things further. I can imagine you would feel powerless in this situation and the only control you do have is not in terms of your wife and what she may or may not do, but in relation to yourself. Start with writing down what your vision for your life is and all of the things that you want for yourself (example - I want to be in a healthy marriage where I am respected and where we have a desire to be in the same bed together). I don’t think forcing a situation by removing a bed is the best approach as it could lead to confrontation and also nobody wants to feel like they don’t have a choice. It could create further issues within the relationship.

[@soul832006]

@@mariancounsellor thankyou for the great advice! I think the first thing is to talk to her some more. She often complains that my bed is too small and that she feels crowded. That our son co sleeps and there's not enough room etc. But he is old enough to have his own room or to sleep in his own bed next to us. In any case, this is not the modelling I want to provide for my son. It's sad because I want him to experience what I witnessed with my parents. They loved each other and shared the same bed. Now I can't provide that for my own son. When I'm at home, he will say "I don't want to sleep with mum, I want to sleep with dad and this is dad's bed"...that's not fair for him :( but the alternative is him seeing us divorced which is also not what I want for him. I'm caught in the middle of 2 bad scenarios.

[@soul832006]

So I figured if she thinks the bed is too small, and I think the spare bed is too hard, then best to compromise by buying a bigger bed that is comfortable for us both and then storing away the old beds. Because we were planning to buy a house as soon as we can afford it. Then the existing 2 beds will be needed to rent out our existing apartment. So store them both, convert one bedroom to my son's own room and then setup a bigger bed for my wife and I. She can keep her clothes in my son's new room for more space. I think that's fair.

[@soul832006]

I also understand if she doesn't want that arrangement. You can't force someone to change. We have been doing this for 8 months and I'm deeply unhappy about it but I tried to make peace with having my own space and time with my son. But it's not working as I'm reaching out now. I have enough money to go out and buy a new bed if needed. But only if it is going to make a difference.