How Narcissist Remembers You (Dark, then Rosy Retrospection, Nostalgic Recall)

[@Santacruize]

Super depressing I’ve thought about this before, and decided the best way I can live with this awful truth, is by remembering all the things I felt and what those moments meant to me - that’s all I can salvage from my time with the narc. It’s all wasted on the wrong person- makes you feel physically ill if you think about it too much….

[@stefaniedehmer]

I feel you 💯😢

[@Santacruize]

I have to say although I kind of already understood this after spending the last three years trying to figure out what on earth I’d just experienced with my ex-narc, this really brought it home in the most devastatingly detailed way. They are a real life Horror movie that stays with you and changes the way you view the world and people forever. I didn’t ask for or deserve this, but I now can’t unsee what I’ve seen… it’s like Coronel Kurtz at the end of Apocalypse Now, uttering: “The Horror…..The Horror”

[@JàniceLunde]

Create and own the memory bank which is rewarding for you personally: vacations, gatherings, pets, Nature's miracles, etc. Do the creative work with, by, and for yourself ❤❤.

[@Ascerian]

I sympathize, I had the same reaction. It's interesting about their impairment not even allowing them to form real memories with someone who was meaningful for them. If you've been truly victimized by a covert narcissist, and have thought about that and healed from it significantly, Sam's discussion of their dysfunctional associations internally just reminds you about how messed up they really were

[@Renee-p3y]

I had to rewrite 19 years of my life because I didn’t know what to do with the memories. Radical acceptance was excruciating.

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

“The narcissist cliks on you, nothing opens on the screen. You never remembered as You truly are. No, You are not a part of the narcissist memory, because he has none.” Thank You, Sir. this is brilliantly explained.

[@KLS-s5z]

@@annabystrzanowska-boruch231 HE WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER ME. He nicknamed Formidable.

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

@@personalcoach2131 true

[@annikaspahr9705]

This is most definitely a hard pill to swallow but we all know that we meant nothing to them even during the relationship. "They live in their own bubble" with their defense mechanisms hard at work, that is their life. At this point in my recovery I read it as freedom because in reality THEY don't exist.

[@ronnyrobbel9196]

Yes, we exist. They don't. Thank you🙂

[@tomwetzel2760]

Yes they dont exist, just images of heaven that take me to hell

[@sondra4789]

I instinctively knew this because living with a covert narcissist for 40 years I’ve watched him and know him. He’s erased me completely. When asked to recall important events (especially things he’s done wrong) he either can’t remember or tells a complete fabrication, even when I was there too and I know what really happened. It used to be so confusing to me. Recently, we met to divide our property (divorce) and he said his therapist (I believe he went a few times and don’t believe he’s still going) said his issues were due to abandonment, so I responded with “so, because you have abandonment issues you’ve repeatedly abandoned me? How does that work?” And he shot back “WHAT ABOUT THE TIMES YOU ABANDONED ME?” … I paused for a moment and asked “please tell me one time I abandoned you.” I waited while he sat at a loss for words all of a sudden. I continued “never once, not ONCE in 40 years did I ever abandon you and you abandoned me NUMEROUS times. I always took you back. That’s not abandonment, that’s devotion. That’s commitment.” And I walked away wondering how the eff he could believe the exact opposite of the truth. Now I know. Thank you.

[@stefaniedehmer]

No more hoovering after 11 years full of lies, disrespect and final discard due to livelong ban on contact. Divorce process is hell 👹but newly achieved freedom and piece ✌️is paradise. Free yourself - no matter how much energy it costs! It’s worth it! 🍀💪🍀 YOU are the only one who can save yourself! P.S. They repeat history by spending time on places with the next, where they used to spent time with you before. Very unimaginative 🤣

[@Kay-Rayzie]

Well I must be a masochist then because I love your content LoL This perfectly explains why a former partner once asked me "What about all the good times?" when I was trying to escape. He genuinely believed that they had occurred when there had infact been none. It makes sense now why it felt like gaslighting. It was actually confabulation.

[@Emalbertx]

It’s truly sad to think about how many good people narcissists miss out on being with, due to the way they are. We get to go through life finding happiness, they will never have that. That’s how we win.

[@gertrudelisehahn2996]

Narcissists often get a good person as a partner, because they tend to make excuses for them

[@janverschuren369]

​@@gertrudelisehahn2996thats apotheek victim

[@gjarm]

Thank you for this. Great, professional explanation.This was the harsh and sad reality/conclusion, I was left with. To realize that I was being perceived the wrong way believing their own warped false-reality and lies, was meaningless, unimportant, forgotten, diminished to nothing. Finally realizing this, I wrote/understood: "Nothing left to say, nothing left to enjoy or laugh about, nothing left to feel/nor care about, nothing left to be sad/nor mad about, nothing left to salvage, nothing left to think about. ALL GONE. Nothing left. NOTHING.

[@HeadinVat]

Oh @gjarm! I'm so so sorry. I have been on this long dark path myself and there's really nothing more painful. And least in my life there wasn't. I hope you're feeling better--they can't steal with MYSTICAL MAGICAL YOU. I mean I'm joking but also I'm totally not. 💖💛💖💛

[@Esti-xg7tg]

🙏 I feel you... The narcissist was yelling me about one paper three times in a row, cos "it's the only way you might understand things". I threw him out! "Funniest" thing about it was, that I was the one to get those papers, comparing insurances and reading all the small print for several days before getting that particular insurance. 🙄 And realising, that he had zero remorse for treating me totally disrespectfully and even abusively, being aggressive, manipulative control freak he is...but that he was later crying for himself cos I threw him out. 🙄 But isn't it always like that? They don't apologise for real, owning their behaviour - if they apologize at all, it's along the lines "I'm sorry you are so upset/sad/mad", but never "I am sorry that I yelled at you and claimed you don't understand simple ways, and got so aggressive and full of rage that I scared you". Well, this video explains me well, why they do all the gaslighting - some is definitely intentional, pure manipulation, but some of it...they don't remember! 😮 What a warped reality they live in! For me, this is possible the best video to watch, if, after "hoovering" there's soon another argue AGAIN, and I wonder "should I stay or should I go?" However, in my case, my body is showing so clearly nowadays that I can't be with the narcissist anymore....Not only do the chronic illnesses get worse when he's around ( partly due to lack of sleep, cos he always stays awake at nights, especially if I should study/have some important meeting or things to do the next day ), but I am tense at least half of the time, get headaches, breathing turns shallow, and indeed suddenly feel super insecure about doing even the simplest thing ( like buying bread from the nearest bakery ), although I had it clear in my head just a moment before the narcissist stepped in... I don't know if my illnesses have gotten to a point of no return, but at least I will make sure, that I can and will enjoy my life the best I can, rebuilding all I can, and most importantly, not let anyone trample over me like he does, constantly. I wish you all the best in life, and I hope that you find peace and happiness without these abusive people around...🙏🫂❤️‍🩹🌞✨

[@LNVACVAC]

I am autistic, and my sister and I belive our mother is a narcisist. I personally believe my mother is also autistic, not only a narcisist. It's like our mother lives on an alternative reality.

[@Stefanieblundell]

I am autistic and I believe my mum is a narc too. 10 years no contact now. My siblings are her flying monkeys, she gave up custody of my autistic brother because he was 'too much' aka won't conform. Don't know where the state has put him. But that's what narcs do!

[@buildfireforchrist]

There is belief the two are linked in the medical community that it can be from narcissist parent to autistic child.. my ex was a narcissist and her child is autistic.

[@Stefanieblundell]

​​@@buildfireforchrist I believe all personality disorders are possible in anyone. Autistic or not. I've never met another autistic narcissist since her..and I've met A LOT and provide professional advice to businesses on workplace narcs now.

[@buildfireforchrist]

@@Stefanieblundell Yep.. i was saying genetically can be passed down from parent to child in my comment

[@southside-rabbitslayer]

born autist. made artist

[@RenoLaringo]

This is a pill that is hard to swallow.

[@anamargarida1510]

@@RenoLaringo pure sick minds....

[@jbuntine1255]

It eats me everyday "Deseption"

[@lynnanderson1923]

This is really annoying because they are stuck in our heads. How can they just stop thinking about you just like that. It's bizarre.

[@Viciouscycles85]

It would be very very very very hard, any normal rational person couldn't, I know I can't stop thinking about my ex partner, it's extremely hard to just cut out someone whom for me I really did in my heart love her

[@janverschuren369]

Same here

[@Stefanieblundell]

My narc mother ran into my dad walking in the woods, her ex husband of 15 years who she villanizes in her memory constantly, to ask what breed of dog he had. She didnt recognise him. She had erased him and his appearance from her mind.

[@annbethchinchillo9192]

That is unbelievable😱

[@ronnyrobbel9196]

We were a couple for fifteen years, very intense years... Two years later I met him and said hallo. He looked at me as if I were a stranger. He wasn't angry or upset. I couldn't define it. Now I know:He simply didn't recognize me, didn't remember me...

[@Stefanieblundell]

@@ronnyrobbel9196 glad I could help you with that bit of closure. Sorry to hear.

[@pjsvenska3338]

When I was 20-ish and just had moved out from under her roof, my narcopath mother greeted me with a handshake and asked who I was when met at my granddaddy's funeral. My Narc husband said when I divorced him, that all that had happaned between us now was erased. It didn't exist, it was fake. He meant I was the faker (projection). At the time that hurt me but now I don't mind. It just means that it wasn't really me they knew - but their image of me. So in a strange way, it wasn't really me they hurt, either. So grateful for Sam Vaknin, his work and generosity :)

[@prairrie]

The narc wipes memories of the relationship that you remember well, but they have very little recall.

[@sabine1768]

I once asked the Narc I was together with whether he would ever feel any joy at all when we had spent a lovely day together. "Oh, yes", he replied, "but the next day it's all gone."

[@jbuntine1255]

Scary .

[@ZooxMaze]

But a surprisingly honest answer, nevertheless. So, that'a a rarefreshing bit of srlf-reflection, under the curcumstances

[@Fiona99960]

Mine told me he doenst even like people ...

[@ZooxMaze]

@@Fiona99960 "I don't dislike people... I just feel better when they're not around" - Mikey Rourke ;)

[@adriennedouke1880]

Kind of like Ground Hog Day? Each day is completely new, no memories of the last day. How very strange. Of course, alcoholics do this as well, can have a crazy violent night, but if they don't remember it, it didn't happen. No sense of past.

[@anamargarida1510]

They never know who we really are....😢

[@luizejoane7829]

NEVER

[@annbethchinchillo9192]

That's because they have no idea who THEY truly are.

[@maryvera123]

We really are "a figment in his theatre of the absurd."

[@LorieH-v4i]

I’ve always wondered about this topic as it relates to my experience with the man I was married to that I suspect was a narcissist as do my divorce attorney and therapist . It is hard to accept who you are or were to them . Thank you, Professor Vaknin for helping me understand what I endured .

[@mariaelenarodriguez6188]

It is such a painful truth, word by word. 😢

[@snowyowl4774]

My ex narc remarried within 2 years of our divorce. He then took her and our children to every vacation place we had built memories at. Mexico, Venezuela, Costa Rica. To the exact same places! All I could think was that he had to 'redo' what we had done together, as a family. He had to wipe out my memory in those places and replace it with the new wife and our children. Has anyone else experienced this? So bizarre.

[@flare6521]

Yes

[@stefaniedehmer]

@@snowyowl4774 Same here. 💯

[@CorinaGilligan]

Yes

[@cazza7034]

Yes

[@stefaniedehmer]

@@snowyowl4774 Yes, same here!

[@Red-hot-sonic-fan]

Just to chime in for those who have gone through this, my NM used to make up memories adding more details as she went along, then force me to remember it by becoming angry and threatening and if I couldn’t or refused she would call me stupid, say there was something wrong with my memory and that I was bipolar. She could never remember her heinous acts towards me, told me I was making things up. Now trying to heal past not trusting my memory. She also had features of Munchausen and Munchausen by proxy. Also she imeedded and brainwashed my child that my husband and I abuseD him. He said he was forced to repeat phrases and if he would say it didn’t happen she would get angry and he would do it just to make her stop. Just saying this to help validate anyone going through this to trust yourself and your instincts. Thanks Professor for continuing to save lives bc I blamed myself and went through depression and anxiety trying to u set stand bc her outward appearance and how she was to others was totally different and I couldn’t allow myself to accept my own mom who I loved so much would go to this extreme and other things and then smile about it

[@snowyowl4774]

This explains his distorted version of the truth. The stories I have heard; things I would never do or even dream of doing. I lost a lot of so called friends over the lies; even two of my children believed him. Wow. Thank you, Sam, for your candid explanation. You have put things into perspective for me.

[@ragingchimera8021]

My child believed all my narcissistic ex's lies and no longer communicates with me. I'm sorry, it is very hurtful.

[@snowyowl4774]

@@ragingchimera8021 Thank you. I'm sorry this has happened to you as well, and for all of us who have had this happen.

[@bunberrier]

What I've found extremely valuable is about 10 years ago I started regularly recording what's going on in my day. Events, situations, making diaries, etc. I use my phone to do this then I go back and listen to everything and give the audio a title.. Then I store them in archives on my computer. My memory is very poor but my honesty with myself is very high. So whatever I'm reporting in the moment is the truth as best I can tell. I also record my dreams. This whole thing has helped me gain a lot of insight about myself and grow as a person, and be better for myself and everyone around me. It's provided a kind Of continuity that I didn't previously have because my memory is so poor. I like to joke with people that like how some people have an artificial leg or limb....I have an artificial memory. How this started was my ex wife would often accuse me of things Id done in the past that I knew I wouldnt do. One day I saw the movie Memento and understood that the reason she put them in the past was because of my memory. Shes long gone now but a wonderful and useful habit grew out of that.

[@DalalKhalid-w7p]

❤

[@bunberrier]

​@@personalcoach2131The recordings Im talking about were originally like that. Recording her abuse. I could tell that something was wrong and was left with a feeling of anger and injustice but didnt know why. I would replay convos/conflicts and map them on to rhetoric and its deceptions. Turns out I was completely clueless! I plotted out a few line by line, learning all the ways of dishonesty and their names... Red Herring, Ad Homonym, Etc. It revealed she was very clever but used an extremely small playbook. Maybe 5 of them. Thats it! So i learned a new skill and enjoyed watching her lose it when none of it worked anymore when I could see them in real time. Since then, they are only narrations where I explain whats happening, save memories, and explore psychological, theological, and philosophical ideas. There is something about that feedback loop. I can listen to what I said, make a new recording about it, then in the future listen to them both and make a comparison or synthesis, etc.

[@bunberrier]

​@@personalcoach2131Ive tried to reply twice and it keeps taking the post down

[@bunberrier]

​​@personalcoach2131 The recordings Im talking about were originally like that. Recording her complaining. I could tell that something was wrong and was left with a feeling of anger and injustice but didnt know why. I would replay convos/conflicts and map them on to rhetoric and its deceptions. Turns out I was completely clueless! I plotted out a few line by line, learning all the ways of dishonesty and their names... Red Herring, Ad Homonym, Etc. It revealed she was very clever but used an extremely small playbook. Maybe 5 of them. Thats it! So i learned a new skill and enjoyed watching when none of it worked anymore when I could see them in real time. Since then, they are only narrations where I explain whats happening, save memories, and explore psychological, theological, and philosophical ideas. There is something about that feedback loop. I can listen to what I said, make a new recording about it, then in the future listen to them both and make a comparison or synthesis, etc.

[@bunberrier]

.

[@zoetjez]

Super interesting, thank you for this. Had to pause when you talked about them not remembering their ex partners faces. Wow, that's really shocking and gave me chills.

[@SalmonPoncho]

It’s from the lack of object constancy that doesn’t get formed in primitive years and so the child never develops the ability to remember faces, and it’s actually pretty common in NPD I think more than BPD but NPD’s talk about it a lot. It’s partly why they feel they need to be with their partner because once they’re somewhere else, some NPD’s can’t recall facial features

[@Rubyrun2068]

This honestly gives me hope bc I was stalked for a yr and 6 months

[@johnnygames7511]

Thank you again, Professor, for your time, effort and insight. I am deeply grateful for your work in Psychology, especially for sharing and making it available to us. 🙏

[@ชีวิตวัยชรา]

Great and helpful video! I hope everyone who watches this video will find a way to effectively deal with challenges in life, especially when facing people with narcissistic behavior. I wish everyone to be strong and win in all situations!

[@ivanparaordnance]

Thank you. That is the best explanation I've heard

[@TheRealTarik]

This is probably your best video. Best distillation of the nuanced behaviours and how they come out to "You mean nothing (unless I create your value)."

[@VetroMarinoBlu]

Needed this today. Thank you. Good timing

[@binabinnat728]

Thank you for educating me on this topic ! Though hard pill to swallow!

[@Thelittle-kiwi]

This explains a lot! Thanks prof. 🙏

[@kalena26]

Yep! My ex narc would always say to me "If you leave, you're dead to me". Oh well!

[@katsato3118]

My partner says something similar when I'm confused about the rapid oscillations of what seems like love, and then hate "I can turn love on or off like a switch whenever I want".

[@EchoSpectrum4]

Well as always, Professor Vaknin, thanks for the cheerful words😂… yours sincerely, the forever persecutory object

[@mickaelessouma343]

Thank you for your franchise. It is helpful for healing.

[@janverschuren369]

Again and again i listen and i am with aw about the knowledge incredible

[@Cairn-b5h]

This is why he rewatched episodes of TV sitcoms or stories. He. Claimed he never saw it before even though it may have been the 4th time watching it. Again and again

[@rebeccacaraska4112]

Mine did this too. Even if we had just seen the same episode within weeks of seeing it he claimed to not remember.

[@MichelleRedmond-p8q]

Wow, I kept thinking why don't he remember stuff or how to get somewhere.

[@HemaliTonh]

Damn mine used to do same watch all of his favorite movies again and again and repeat even the dialogues verbally again and again . I found that very off putting in a strange way but then I let it slide thinking he must be a movie fan but this could also relate to this too and now I’m thinking it could be cause he was a huge narc

[@vittoriogreco5806]

Grazie, le sue spiegazioni sono le migliori e le più complete.

[@googlespyfranchise9089]

I knew about the amnesia, the alternate view of reality and the dissociation.. But this just fleshes out how massive it all is! It’s very difficult when you don’t have this level of psychological affect to really understand it, but it’s so crucial to understand just how deep the dissociation and narrative reframing actually goes. Another fantastically helpful video from Vaknin. Thank you for helping us understand, it’s essential.

[@AllDogsGo2Heaven]

THANK YOU so much, for SHARING Speaking about HOW YOU UNDERSTAND this cycle of HUMAN BEHAVIOR that sees no one as EXEMPT, that can be maddening, and debilitating to those who FEEL. I CANT PUT MY FINGER ON JUST WHAT IT IS , in your explanation that makes me want to give you an applause, but you have an amazing gift OF VERBALLY EXPLAINING ALL THE CYCLE AND MAD ESS IN THE MOST SIMPLIFIED UNDERSTANDABLE ORDER that I have ever had the privilege to have ever heard anyone dare to speak aloud about. And that you took the time to share it with others, means the world to me right now. You made my day. Thank you again for understanding and for being you, whoever you are. thank you youtube also. we all love you. KKEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT ALWAYS

[@katicaketi2190]

Professor I was at your lecture in Zagreb which fascinated me. I just opened up your site to be surprised once again and it makes me think what kind of people are they? Well I'm here just to learn more, after the lecture I decided to call it quit's and go no contact. You and your darling wife have helped me a lot, thank you for that, please keep helping people they need it. Send my regards to Lydia, I have a photo of us together I much treasure and a photo of you as well. Take care.Love from Zagreb.

[@yelortiz]

Perfect! I hope all this is true and truly “deleted” forgotten etc etc etc 🎉

[@tehmtbz]

Holy shit, Sam. I've heard you say a lot of profound stuff, but the analogy about the erased file is remarkable.

[@ElenaSizova1971]

I suppose that I understand now what for they need so many photos and videos... Mother of my ex-husband were doing thousands of photos and videos of my son, her grandson. Many thanks for your work 👍

[@Paco-v3u]

Wow man, that's really sad to hear this. Here 7 months after discard and almost 2 months of no contact. But I have to do co-parenting with her and it's driving me crazy as it is not possible a proper no contact, just a limited contact.

[@rotikapada7370]

Professor Sam, From the 1 million videos out there, I believe your video is unique and you have successfully delivered the matter and explained the science behind this so brilliantly with knowledge, depth and clarity that has given me finally an inner peace. They have denied admitting any good done to them including timespan of a year back or 2 months or even few days back and I thought that they were lying where as in reality they have black holes in their memory... Wow... that is quite scary....

[@veratday1973]

THANK YOU Dr. Vaknin! THIS explains the confusion that I usually feel around my siblings! I’ve always said that their memory is SHOT! Same with my Nmom. My father would say that she has selective memory… Now I get a good idea why… this puts more of the puzzle together and connects some dots.

[@andrewmarshall1460]

Thanks, Sam. These Memory pieces and your recent one on infuriating/rage just ring so profoundly true with my experience. I feel a lot of the difficulty in the aftermath of a relationship is making sense at all with what just happened. It was so real and yet so nonsensical, and you articulate it all in ways I find very helpful. I think mainly as an antidote to the idea/fixation that it was somehow my fault or that I could have made it different. I don't lose sight of the humanity of narcs (controversial!) but nor do I now avert my gaze from their very distinctive & harmful modus vivendi.

[@managerialelitetoaster3456]

They remember you like you were a phone they used to have which broke, and then threw away.

[@BàiHọcĐờiSống]

This video is insightful and provides a fascinating look at how narcissists remember and recreate the relationships in their lives. Some notable highlights:

[@alenar853]

Thank you very much❤️❤️❤️

[@moniquepeerboom2196]

they just show up after a while even after we told him not want to see him ever again! 😩 no other ex would do this..🤭

[@moniquepeerboom2196]

@ wat a silly and painfull answer for people who went true hell many years! 🥵

[@oneloveoneheartonedestination]

@@moniquepeerboom2196 they / we 😅 sorry fore you didnt know,see any better, the way you type "no other ex" would do this,wite that emtion,seems you had alots of them🫣so 💯you were creating/living your own hell🔥live and learn, life is painfull, but that could breake the change🙏

[@oneloveoneheartonedestination]

@@moniquepeerboom2196 👹devils are working hard tonigt

[@CiMcM135]

THIS is spot on. Never do they actually take into account what you want when they decide to do something they believe is 'for you'. I had a narc ex get me a facial treatment session, and I had expressly stated I'd love to get my hair done. He had previously mentioned getting me a treatment at a local new business, and I had said I'd love my hair done instead. He then, a few weeks later, revealed that he had booked me in to this spa for a facial. I was actually disappointed, and confused. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just feel grateful. I felt like an ungrateful person and got quite upset with myself. Anyway, he had booked it for that day and I actually couldn't make that day, so I decided to call and reschedule. Turned out he hadn't actually paid for it, just booked it, so I happily cancelled. I thought to myself I'll explain it to him later. I'll tell him I booked a hair salon for myself instead because that is what I'd really like, but that inreally appreciate his thoughtfulness. I thought he would understand because if the roles were reversed, I'd like him to get something he actually wantes. That's how I woukd know he actually appreciated and enjoyed the gesture. Does that make sense? Maybe I actually should have been grateful and just gone. Still working that one out.. Anyway, moments later I get an angry call from him. They contacted him and said I had cancelled. I think he had maybe called them up to pay? I'm still not sure. He was outraged. He said I couldn't just cancel them on the day - they would lose that booking slot for the day and lose money and that it was a local business and it wasn't right. I was in tears. He was so angry. I explained my side but it didn't matter. He said he would have gotten me a hair treatment anyway, but I said I wouldn't expect both nor feel good about him spending all that money on me. Anyway turns out he had done some business with the spa, he has his own business anyway, and booking me in there was probably just his way of killing 2 birds with one stone. Getting the brownie points from me and getting it for free too. Or at least, it was a gesture of alliance with the new business. I felt like a pawn. So confusing, but long story short: It is never about you, your wants or needs. They do not want to connect to you as an individual with their own agency, dreams and desires. They want a doll. One who will have the wants and needs and dreams THEY ascribe, and allow, to them. The hard part is that it's not as if they still take care of you if you play the part they want you to. Trust me, I was so beaten down that I did my best to fit into the lite box he put me in. The worst part is that they still put you in harms way, discomfort or disregard even whilst you try your best to be everything he wants you to be. He will prioritize others, himself, strangers. Mine was addicted to others validation, and it was all at my expense in the end. A truely heart-rending experience, and i think i was being emotuonallybabused, but I still dont really know what that means, so its hard to understand if that was what happened. I hope you are all doing okay now.

[@benotdeceived1072]

A few years ago I happened to see a psychological diagnosis of my then husband. My recollection is that he had "cognitive distortion" and I believe the other was "psychopathy". I think what Sam is describing is cognitive distortion. He always remembered events in our tumultuous life together as the opposite of what actually happened. He was always the innocent victim and others were evildoers. Many times he threatened to kill certain people in my family and once he threatened me, for which he spent 2 months in jail until I interceded to have the charges dropped. From that time on he often said my family was trying to kill him, however, they only refused to be around him. I would think, "what a liar he is", but now I understand that he truly believed his false narrative of events. Thank you Sam.

[@ginagina9592]

My father said to me.. I never need to see you because I see you in my mind.

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

I went to see my ex who I've understood now has NPD last week, thinking we were getting on better now, seeing each other as friends. We were getting on fine, then out of the blue he started accusing me of committing crimes against mankind.... 🤔😔

[@lesliecogan641]

Thank you Professor...I intently listened to your message, having in mind the narcissist partner/husband I persevered from while he lived. His temper got the best of him, always telling me to eff off and always when company was around. I told him a couple of times he better slow down; being so angry over less than petty things. He had a massive heart attack 13 years ago and, please don't think I'm crazy, but this stranger on the internet wants to visit with me and I thought at 1st it's because of 4 years of spiritual intervention in my face and he was interested to hear about it. I've looked into a lot of dates and time relating to what I've received and tend to use it as a go to, to see if anything registers as a parallel. Much to say, however turns out he was born 666 weeks after the narcissist was born. He has this boy that's 12 years old and in one of our conversations; it was August 28th and he tells me "it's my son's birthday tomorrow". I said "oh yeah, it just so happens to be that on August 30th I'll be 3,333 weeks old." It's a firm belief that his son is this narcissist incarnated and I've wondered that if true, he's either come back to reconcile or he couldn't stand it that I was free from his abuse the day he died. I was. I loved the guy so very bittersweet feelings. The Bible says we die once...well I'm getting otherwise and it involves many more than one person.

[@realdream7173]

Dr. Vaknin, I have to give you credit for my being able to walk away from a past partner who I truly believe had NPD. I watched your videos at the time and could recognize most of what you described in him. That was 11 years ago. So thank you. I received a message on my social media from my replacement several years after I was discarded. She was distraught as she was in the process of being discarded herself. She contacted me as she claimed that my/our ex partner had only ever spoken of me in glowing terms. That I was a nice person who didn’t deserve how he treated me etc. Will you, please, explain this? I have started to watch your videos again because although I believed I had moved on, last year, this ex partner died my suicide and it has triggered feelings I had believed were resolved. I watched your video why Narcissist kill themselves.

[@Nenessq48]

It’s very hard …indescribable

[@minvelseskanal876]

Great video and knowledge, thank's 🌺

[@TheBlackGlovesOfficial]

As my ex said it best: "Our relationship is only as good as what it was yesterday."

[@hannawes7977]

@Prof. Sam Vaknin what happens with the memory after the narc partner dies? My narc ex has been fixated on his borderline ex girlfriend who committed suicide a few weeks after he broke up with her... They were dating on-and off for 1.5 years, and 1.5 year after her passing he started dating me, but his grief and remorse were at the center of our relationship. He kept breaking up with her and abandoning her during her mental breakdowns, yet after her death he idealized her.. She was the reason why he couldn’t “commit” to our “relationship” as he couldn’t get over her, like she was “the one”. Can’t wrap my head around it.

[@SwedishMeatball972]

Anything-ANY. THING.-to feel like a victim.

[@Journeyintherapy]

When you leave them (or die) they never forget, because it creates a wound. Narcissistic injury.

[@hannawes7977]

@@Journeyintherapy but isn’t it like they want to annihilate you to feel satisfied? Narcs are walking contradictions..

[@hannawes7977]

@@SwedishMeatball972 I can see that.. he even wrote and published a book about her death, but.. the main character of the book was him..

[@detjaggillar8081]

@@hannawes7977 Of COURSE the Main Thing in the book was about HIM. You see EVERYTHING with a narcs life IS about themselves. Nothing or Anyone is SO important for a narcissist than THEM SELF in their own opinion.

[@Theysee1111]

Mine discarded me 9 months no contact. He broke no contact and came back to California after he abandoned me and our kids. He said he needed to talk 2 us and i fell .. he mentioned everything hie did with the new supply reminded him of us hes doing the same things we did together... He said nothing made him happy. ..he left us again left to texas .... That closes that door 4 good retraumatized and in shock feels like my progress went out the door with him

[@CorinaGilligan]

My ex would liken me to his ex , blame me for things that never actualy happened between them ( she stabbed him ) . Turns out it was a lie and the scar was from a work accident Why would he even bother with doing that ? When i found her and brought her to him ....he denied it was even her 😮 to her face . Like she was pretending to be her

[@seasons1650]

My ex husband hated me when i refused to give in and finally made him move out. He attacked me in my home, shot my car, smeared me to anyone who would listen. Currently refuses to communicate about our children, has me blocked everywhere. Thats why i was so surprised to hear from my children that he talks about me often and fondly. Makes no sense. This video made me realize he thinks of me as dead.

[@lastochka_vesna]

Профессор, огромное спасибо. Я 4 года страдаю после 24 лет брака со скрытым нарциссом, который уже давно женился на другой женщине. И я не понимала, почему он не звонит по телефону детям, почему он не встречается с ними. А теперь я поняла весь этот процесс.

[@doriwells8863]

So why does the narcissist relive past experiences with the new supply? Freakishly so! I had seen pictures on his Instagram that were SO similar to photos of us in the past. I mean almost exact… and in the same places we had visited. Was it to throw it in my face OR… something within them? Very creepy! And… NO! I do not look at his social media anymore! But it took awhile😁

[@samvaknin]

Watch the shared fantasy playlist.

[@KLS-s5z]

After 24 years of abuse. I finally got him to court. He just admitted guilt and I now have a two year order of protection. He has 6 months of D.V counseling. The game isn’t over because he stole all my I.D’s and car title and cleared out my 401k plan since May 10, 2024

[@lydiadoyle1163]

Also selective memory

[@etinarcadiaego7972]

Since after the discard the narc forgets us, then why do they stalk on social media for example or with flying monkeys?

[@Thelittle-kiwi]

they forget you easily - but they are also curious to "see" what you are doing - make sure they are doing better than you.. that is all it is.. nothing else and nothing to do with the "you" part - it is all about the object of you.

[@zoetjez]

I think it's the dark retrospection phase he mentioned? Not sure, but in my experience my mom started to see me as 'evil' soon after I went nocontact. She even made a playlist with my name as the title and the songs in there were about kids born evil, revenge etc. Got the feeling she really started seeing me as her enemy, after the nocontact.

[@hope6910]

I am BPD but this is how I also view people, sometimes I can't even remember their face and it's a loop between demonizing or idealizing them. Most of the time I don't think of anyone unless I'm bored and I dont have a replacement. Does that mean I am a narcissistic borderline? Can you make a video about that?

[@WickedThingsThisWayComes]

Dr. Vaknin, how are people with NPD able to have certain jobs like being a judge, lawyer, historian, doctor if they don't have memories?

[@samvaknin]

Their semantic memory is intact. They have problems only with their episodic (autobiographical) memory.

[@agnieszkajot2083]

​@@samvakninfaktycznie,tak to wygląda!

[@AmateurEditz7]

As prof. Sam said, I personally experience this myself. Being able to recall objects, skills, arts and knowledge but not people, it's rather sad.

[@WickedThingsThisWayComes]

@@samvaknin Thanks Dr. Vaknin, your time is valuable to me, I appreciate you taking the time to answer. 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

[@marinacarrasco8672]

I think his rosy retrospection is about himself. In his memories he has turned into an awsome lover, a sensitive partner, a decent human being😂

[@cierrabennett206]

I only remember the bad times of my relationship with the narc. He hoovers me til this day, and he and his mother both talk badly about me to my children. They have taken baseless information and have given me a distorted identity. But if he remembers me as the cause of everything bad in his life, then I will accept that. Just stay over there with your mess, and we're good.

[@marinacarrasco8672]

In fact, to be erased from the narcisist's memory is most desirable. Contact zero, even in his thoughts

[@lala4461]

My ex husband told me when he divorced me, “ I already clicked you to a different place in my mind and I no longer love you”. Then he absolutely hated my guts as if I had not one decent bone in my body. He blamed me for everything.

[@metalassassin8841]

So, her cheating on me... Then turning around and calling me a cheater after she has discarded me... It's basically dissociation :/ ?

[@samvaknin]

Projection. Btw, dissociation, not disassociation.,

[@metalassassin8841]

@@samvaknin Ah, thanks 😄!

[@Gabriel-p1n4r]

What amazes me is how they never give up trying to blame me(the victim) , they always have something to say that I'm researching narcissism so that I can be a better criminal narcissist , it's like 0% chance I'm doing this because I genuinely want to get better , it's always up to them , and they are never power-hungry in their eyes , it's impossible... (in their mind) yet reality and evidence should prove otherwise , not like the narcissist left me with the means to expose them... or even merely bring the most basic elements of truth up to anyone or myself...

[@cholldi]

Oh, this is sad...

[@DalalKhalid-w7p]

In fact , it’s a bless when they delete our memories together and forget our faces,, ♥️

[@susansirges8978]

Having suffered my father's hate (by his own admission, though I doubt it) as well as my sister's narcissistic betrayal and "destruction", quite honestly I don't care what their existence is like now. My father has long since died. As for her, she has also gone.

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen]

What happens to the narcissist when they fail to hoover? I'm assuming narcissistic injury.

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Or mortification if the rejection is humiliating and public.

[@Canaday291]

I dated a narcissist and he forgot he went away on a hiking trip with a previous woman he dated from only a year prior and confused her with me. It also seemed he had short term memory loss .

[@federalbranch4005]

An ancient Egyptian mummy 😂

[@rmaria517]

Or a Gargoyle - A Jeepers Creepers 😂

[@chvsrbrt]

The Narc i was dating had to write down everything on a calendar of her daily activity. She didn't even know when we met or celebrated an anniversary. I believe this is why they get dementia later on in life...

[@Francisqolito]

"any masochist"😂😂😂😂

[@syndisings]

My Ex would always say he didnt want to look in the rear view mirror.

[@atinathenice1]

Aren’t some narcissists vindictive trying to destroy their victim even after the discard and separation?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.

[@Leslie795Lion]

Resurrect you😢😢

[@shadydesoky]

That's a sad lecture

[@karloschweiger5256]

True, and victim become like that also i am like that i lost memory too

[@indanhe]

It’s a constant struggle to differentiate autism/adhd from narcissism

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@rosemarymunoz6511]

Wow

[@catherinegrout1513]

What a lonely place to be...i feel so sad for my ex narcissistic friend...from a safe distance though .

[@kanui27]

Does this somehow also can be said for borderline personality disorder? Regarding the problems with the inconsistency and inability to have a stable self perception and individuality?

[@galerijaMAG]

I don't care how devil who destroyed me and still destroying my kids feels nor remembers.

[@sumanair9317]

How to deal with the aged female Narsisist mother/ mother in law?

[@samvaknin]

The same as with any narcissist.

[@tpmyoutube702]

❤I want to buy your Book !

[@boydw1]

How does the Boarderline remember you?

[@samvaknin]

Borderlines also go through idealization and devaluation cycles, but their selective memories are way closer to reality.

[@Surlavie]

He admitted that to me at some point, he told me he had forgotten everything we had shared. He had this obsession about not wanting to stay in the past.

[@peteraernouts5741]

Whel for some reason that's verry sad that I don't exist at all in her memory.

[@samueldl1212]

My ex gf discarded me exactly a year ago, 3 months ago she started hoovering, I exposed her to her next victim and essentially mortified her, since then she has deactivated her socialmedia accounts till now. Will she stay mortified or will she continue with her fake personality? As I learnt about switching, she was a covert narc, after that expose she started to act like a borderline... Will this help her change...

[@Shmoogly-Boogly]

No

[@RND-x8m]

It is not possible. Move on...

[@southside-rabbitslayer]

you sound like a good time

[@samueldl1212]

@@RND-x8m yeah buddy...

[@samueldl1212]

@@southside-rabbitslayer yea... i feel like covert narcs are just waste of time and emotions

[@shellyannswaby7713]

Thank you Sam