How to Tell Apart Narcissist, Psychopath, Borderline (Hint: Stability Island)

[@nichobee]

Basically everything described about the narcissistic experience sounds quite like the every day experience of a 7 year old. It's fascinating how much of their mental development is forever ceased before they are even adolescents.

[@myacher4946]

Hello Sam, I have been in therapy for a while and have been studying cluster B personalities for about 2 years. And I stumbled upon your videos today. While listening, I became enraged, i am at work and had to calm myself down. You have hit everything spot on. What, and how explain things resonate in me. When I look back at all the abuse all the "uncashed checks" the lies the manipulation, I am agry at myself and angry at them. Thank you so much for lifting the wool from my eyes, and dispelling the delusion that I believed for so long.

[@someonespecial581]

Are you aware that he himself is a diagnosed Narcissis

[@katnisseverdeen2.016]

@@someonespecial581 Who? Sam himself, right?

[@meaganharris9785]

Ever since I found your channel, I can’t listen to any of the other so-called narcissism “experts” on KZbin. They spend too much time on fluff and trying to relate to the victim, as opposed to providing valuable, substantive insight and information. I’ve also purchased your book.

[@samvaknin]

Thank you.

[@SoapsLuvr]

I see what you mean. At some point the ‘hate fest’ against narcissists becomes unhelpful. I appreciate the analysis here of all the subtle complexities of narcissism to recognize it for what it truly is.

[@hipnozaful]

@@SoapsLuvr Same here. Sam makes us understand what we are dealing with, and this is so helpful.

[@AZDC99]

@@SoapsLuvr it's like some people want to take the narcissism word and apply it to many areas it doesn't belong to make themselves the victim of the other person the bad guy. I say this is a victim of a few narcissist and it's my fault for letting them into my life or with people like my mom across the country from where I live now 3500 miles away, giving into the reactive abuse bait and switch game

[@AZDC99]

@@SoapsLuvr Another problem with the hate Fest, which believe me at one point WAS beneficial to my recovery is that it becomes silly when they start using LOUDLY AND PROUDLY use words like empath. The way that they use it, it's like another way to cover up the fact that they're being doormats and coming up with this black and white THINKING, which is ironically/ hypocritically what they accuse the narcissist does in this whole angel/devil mentality equaling "empath"/narccisist, perhaps exposes the narcissism of some of the people. Especially some of the females who just with real new substance like to just accused the X of being a narcissist because they didn't get weight things their way like the little spoiled girl. Everyone is a narcissist a scale of 1 to 10 and I don't have any of the cunning or other sorts of behaviors of the typical narcissist. But some of these other narcissists who CLAIM THEY'RE EMPATHS forget to look in the mirror. I who call others narcissist. what is supposed to be healthy recovery from being exploited by narcissist almost turns into a weird little victimey cult and I am as guilty of the rest of them for plane into that role myself I am trying to pull myself out of that trap because it just becomes too over simplistic the way the rest of the victim crowd which I am trying to kind of leave portrays it. Sword of Spirit, others in the common areas that I visit and other videos would call you the narcissist for saying that. I, on the other hand, see it as a fresh breath of air. One just has to learn to protect themselves from not being exploited nor ever inadvertently acting back out the behaviors they have received. thank you for your post. I needed it

[@javiermendezgomez7563]

This video should be mandatory in high school.

[@lingam7625]

"Play it again Sam" Thank you. Most readily understood of yours I've seen

[@karenortega2046]

His mom is His island of stability.

[@ishlabrooks3597]

Thank you Sam for the explanation, making the difference between the celebrity narcissist and the accomplished narcissist.

[@jaxh3449]

Thanks so much for this, Sam. I'm a bipolar female, but I relate to most of these descriptions. The part around 35 minutes where you talk about boredom with routine and the mundane. It really resonates with me. I just discovered you on an Amazon video documentary about this subject. I will have to search through your videos for anything on bipolar disorder and the connection / attraction to narcissists. I'm extremely curious about the effects of a relationship and reasons for this "cosmic" attraction between bipolar personalities and narcissists.

[@MrRyannys]

Hello J hall. I suggest you check out "The human Magnet syndrome" by Ross rosenburg. Your magnetic attraction to narcissists is likely caused by some form of codependency (or, Self love deficit disorder as rosenburg puts it) rather than your bipolarity. The magnetic attraction is apparently caused by a subconscious familiarity and comfort between narcissists and codependents, both of which are the products of childhoods that produced various forms of attachment trauma. As a recovering codependent who has a sister who is also bipolar as well as severely condependant, I am 100% confident that both conditions can exist simultaneously. Hope this helps.

[@kathy8032]

@@MrRyannys very useful information, thank you. Can you recommend something to start healing from codependency?

[@levelingup6507]

Thank you Sam , you are heaven sent, your knowledge has helped me understand what happened to me, and now I am healing my entire life and learning about what happened to my brain in the relationship, but it happened and I'm a survivor not a victim, thank you and God Bless you

[@debotchopra8803]

Interesting and enlightening as always.

[@suzanneschannel1]

As you described the career narcissists, what came to my mind was some of the sharks on "Shark Tank".

[@bcbrunette]

I agree name starts with a K 😂

[@Hawelufamily]

Yes, humans are the most complex of all creation 😊

[@kimmm68904]

So fascinating and I find myself many times thinking that in general human beings today fit a lot of these descriptions. As in the career narcissist so much of what you described seems like a typical job description of how are you should be in order to achieve success at that workplace. Also very interesting about black-and-white thinking of people especially on KZbin… I had never heard of a narcissist and now in the last several years it’s literally all you see on KZbin… Instagram it is a likely way over used buzz word. Most of the time when I’m listening to people describe it they just sound like they are angry and venting about some past relationship they had with a narcissist so now, everyone is a narcissist 🤷🏻‍♀️ I definitely take any content I listen to with a grain of salt.

[@cdaigo]

Sam, you are amazing! Thank you for all that you do! ❤

[@thelau61]

Valuable information, thank you very much.

[@benedettapiolacaselli5769]

Thank you so much Sam Vaknin! I believe chain changement arrives because of the new energy one can find in new things after the perceived (and denied) failure one feels after disrupting the first thing

[@dande_lion]

Sam, I'm interessted in what you think about the phrase: It's our birthright to ... (be happy, live a life full of whatever). A lot of the so called spiritual teachers use such phrases . To me this is an example of a quite high sense of entitlement and sounds very narcisstic.

[@samvaknin]

Watch my video about gurus, mystics, coaches and other con-artists.

[@dande_lion]

@@samvaknin I will, thank you.

[@quabot]

This explains how I fell for it. Thank you!

[@donaldsargent2698]

SIR.

[@danielhackett1581]

Hi Dr. Enjoyed your video. From what you describe with the narcissists life being chaotic outside of the 'Island of stability' and getting bored easily, to me it appears that there seems to be some overlap with ADHD?! What are your thoughts? Are ppl with ADHD often misdiagnosed as Narcissists or vice versa?

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@lastofthemohicans4665]

Could you please explain sometime how sadism plays into all of this? Are all narcissists and psychopaths automatically sadists?

[@samvaknin]

No. Search the channel.

[@imgoldenspyder9409]

So...a serial killer who is similar to the fictional character, Hannibal Lector, is both a narcissist & primary psychopath? I am thinking of a deceased person who was suspected to be a serial killer who could've been the real life Hannibal, one would almost think that the author had modeled his character after him, except that the author claimed that another person was his model--both the real 'suspected' serial killer & the fictional killer were highly intelligent & artistically/musically talented, extremely organized, in complete control of emotions, finances, businesses/practices, family & employees, no chaos, no disorder allowed. Unlike Hannibal, the real person believed in open marriages, sexual freedom/experimentation, mysticism, had multiple marriages & divorces, was accused of incest & relocated to different nations to escape reputation. What's the diagnosis of both fictional & nonfictional persons?

[@SethWestmore]

To be fair you did the intro as an outro in the aforementioned video.

[@cveta4]

minutieux et concis

[@jackierandell1364]

Thank you Prof Sam Vaknin x

[@johnniebarrett777]

Hi Sam, Could you make a video talking about how Histrionic Personality Disorder is a female variant of secondary psychopathy? Thank you, Johnnie

[@MIRNA_LIZ]

Did you make a video about "transitional supply" ? Thanks .

[@sara.gh.83]

How can borderline stick to the routine?

[@samvaknin]

Therapy helps, especially DBT.

[@amandavolovik821]

55 selfies later I added you and your associate 😁

[@lasermedicine]

I have a question - didn't Ted Bundy maintain a stable relationship for years while he was taking many victims?

[@samvaknin]

Yes, he did.

[@summersummer9659]

💜💜💜

[@Commentthat]

A narcacist is a narcacist it is the way that a narcacist is, is it wrong for them to ba as they are, is it correct for one to feel that their being is not made the way that it is.

[@chi9153]

Would extreme violence tip a narcissist into the psychopath category?

[@samvaknin]

Violence by whom, towards whom?

[@chi9153]

@@samvaknin a 18 yr old woman who stole his phone. A road rage incident. Other incidents that he feels he is disrespected. Not towards me as his girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend.

[@marciasquier6036]

Sam- Can you discuss the possibility that Jesus wasn't just a vulnerable (lesser) narcissist and his Father the grandiose (greater) narcissist, but possibly a borrowed story of Narcissus from greek mythology? And would Seth from Egyptian mythology be similar as well?

[@samvaknin]

Do your homework and search my channel.

[@marciasquier6036]

@@samvaknin i watched your jesus is a narcissist video. I'm glad you made it because many of the KZbin content creators are Christians, which makes me think they haven't really broken free for their own trauma bond. I appreciate your take, and I'm wondering how far back descriptions of narcs go. Do you think they're all the same recycled fable or different people throughout history with narcissistic traits?

[@Hunter00717]

@@marciasquier6036 you will soon see if Jesus Christ is a fable.. hold that thought ! And repent

[@marciasquier6036]

@@Hunter00717 okey dokey. Is that 'Street Martina' or 'Saint Martina'? As in you've named yourself a saint, even though that's not how sainthood works?

[@judithp7121]

😎

[@lawrenceharewood8432]

How do arrange a session with u???.

[@lawrenceharewood8432]

Please inbox with your fee

[@samvaknin]

www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctounsel.html

[@NkNk-vg8fc]

1st♥️ The silver lining In this quarantine is Sam Vaknin putting out multiple videos even in 1 week! Ou lala

[@afireinhearts1302]

🎊 🏆 🎉

[@samvaknin]

Hey, cool it! Sometimes she is not my cup of tea!

[@mimimalkia7378]

I'm starting to believe Sam is withholding the Corona Virus cure😅😅😅. Keep the Videos coming and thank you SIR

[@LDuke-pc7kq]

Intellectual treasure trove...😍🧠

[@joywatson95]

Thank You! My ex boyfriend was married 4 times. He told me that he has Never been Faithful to anyone! He changes jobs constantly, never keeps any close friends. Is Anger is Explosive! And when his ex-wife came back into his life, at 1st I was mad and hurt. And After this Video I KNOW that his ex-wife did me a Favor!!!

[@lg316]

They LOVE going back to ex-wives. Especially ths ones they smear and call "liars, psycho, ugly..." 3 years later....."I never said that" lol

[@goldennightingale5791]

4x married 😑😄

[@barbaraspector6689]

Live and learn.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Or their ex-girlfriends. Especially if they have trashed and thrashed them they string them along somehow.

[@debmccafferty1007]

@@brendaplunkett8659 ex sent me a nude photo of a woman with whom he'd been intimate. Weirdo.

[@xyzimagenes]

Every time I watch one of your videos is like going to University

[@samvaknin]

It's because I am a professor (my day job).

[@xyzimagenes]

@@samvaknin Thank you Sam, this is gold!

[@marionheil9061]

Sam Vaknin - Thank you so much - for so many different perspectives. Dankeschön Mr. Vaknin

[@almarthalogias]

@@marionheil9061 Really?...Pure curiosity! Wich university do you go to? Your last name sounds german, but even though he is a professor I am not sure they are close to their knowledge at most of universities, speaking to several students from dutch and german universities about narcissism, I've noticed they are "green" on this field, because apparently in their cases they do not really dive into it.

[@alismithrethinkingtrauma]

@@samvakninthank you this is so insightful and so useful to have a different perspective especially the black / white thinking view

[@angelakieler6447]

For years I thought me ex-husband had bipolar disorder but after listening to your videos I now know that he has NPD. Thank you for providing your expertise. I now understand why he lost his law firm, his law license, had an affair with a borderline, lost his house, left me, and now lives off the grid in NM. I also understand why he does not call or have any interest in his son. This has helped me heal more than I can say!

[@dv8578]

I also thought my husband was bipolar for 24 years until the last few months and now I know that he is a covert Narcissist and his father is possibly a malignant narcissist thank you so much for sharing your knowledge!

[@PrincessNads1]

I absolutely love your videos. I was watching this one and was saying out loud to my phone (to you) 'Yes, but then they abuse you after everything you do', and two seconds later you said, 'And the worst thing is that the narcissist devalues these people...' And I screamed 'Yes! Thank you!' No matter how many of your videos I watch I still struggle to get my head around how they can be so self destructive. You can give them everything and it will never be enough. More verbal abuse will come, always whsn you least expect it. Beautiful weekends or nights out or holidays, just ruined for no apparent reason. They need to be able to control your happiness and that is so toxic and sick. Thank you for your incredible intelligence on this subject.

[@draganabrkic9906]

I must say that your explanations using metaphores have helped me immensley. I was raised by a malignant narcissist and had a front line seat to how they disolve human beings to nothingness. I needed to understand why and you have helped me , eloquently I might add, in this 'journey'. Thank you

[@charmee4045]

Sam, if they are alcoholic/covert borderline, how does the alcohol make the condition even worse, could you do a video on this? From the observer which was myself, he appeared to hate his life everyday, and had a tortured soul. The best line I have read so far about my experience was "They love without measure those they will soon hate without reason".

[@aussiemadz3119]

Not hate we grow apathetic

[@deloredan]

I love without measure,but hate with reason.I hatd those who have hurt me and betrayed me.

[@johngaulding3710]

Alcohol makes your situation very bad. My wife of 34 years has been an alcoholic almost the entire time. The verbal abuse knob gets turned to 11, when that doesn't effect you,then the physical abuse will appear. Also, whenever they are without you and are drinking, you no longer exist in their life.

[@gabriellesarsok1672]

Basically what I’ve learned is that anyone and everyone could possibly be a narcissist or psychopath

[@janpierzchala2004]

in other words, we became paranoid about it

[@joshtyler3328]

Would you date a man who told you he's always been alone and in pain.......probably why they lie Would you date a man who didn't pay for the first date......probably why love bombing exists I'm not sure if you have siblings or some kind of lifelong relationship ship......but wouldn't you do anything to keep it

[@vincentwilliams8685]

The computer generated spectators is the most profound aspect of narcissism in my opinion. How they view the world is completely fascinating!!

[@pusitegasupovci8600]

Sam you are real genius in this topic. Every narcissist I know have one island of stability. But the rest is chaos. Just as you have described.

[@samvaknin]

You should see my work in physics, finance, and philosophy ...(sheepish) couldn't resist!

[@freespirit5234]

@@samvaknin 😆

[@ddola1245]

Professor Sam Vaknin , you are absolutely right my ex husband is psychopath and boyfriend is a narcissist , the first one is horrible and reckless put us in so many problems and debt the second one had one island of stability it’s his business and the rest is Chios , I don’t deal with him in money but I would never wanna marry him coz he is also irresponsible and reckless it is just the first one more dangerous than the second but both have many mental problems , I don’t know how they find me sadly. I watch all your videos , I learned a lot from you , you r the most smartest one on you tube on this topic , only you solved my 25 years of mystery

[@pattiaden5946]

Your comment about the short-term memory: so, this is why, for the longest time, I wondered if he had ADD...

[@pattiaden5946]

@A N soon to be ex

[@rosamarialopezhermosa4590]

Everything is scaringly true! The instability they cause, by themselves being the cause

[@morgyr8188]

Sam Vaknin is the only KZbin expert on the issue at hand. Thought provoking and excellent communication with his audience. I will look no where else!

[@visionsmagazineonlin]

Work in healthcare. The personalities are mind numbing. Brilliant people but watch your back for the knife.

[@arvogerald6124]

Your explanations are amazing, your ability to read the narcissist's mind is absolutely amazing. No academic research comes close to your insights

[@ghihbgyu]

He's apparently a diagnosed narcissist himself.

[@rover5058]

@@ghihbgyu Not apprently, he is. He's talked about it many times

[@jamesred8529]

I’m a narcissistic man. I seem to always find myself attached to psychopathic women. The relationships are always toxic. I am provocative and she is violent. I am engulfing and she is cheating. I am indifferent and she is threatening to kill herself, calling the police or getting me fired from my work. I succeed somewhere and she tears me down. She injures me narcissistically and I go into a rage and throw her onto the streets. She leaves me and I beg for her return through suicidal gestures, promises of marriage, anything until she finally leaves for another man permanently. Then I find a new woman and if this cycle doesn’t repeat, I am bored and do not attach to her. I crave the emotional sadomasochistic cycle despite how painful and life ruining that it is and detrimental for me. I don’t want this form of love, but it’s all I ever receive. It seems to be reserved mostly for me, even psychopathic women treat other less provocative men significantly better than me. There is something about me that brings out the worst in women. A vileness.

[@SaraLevins]

Have you considered therapy? You know it doesn’t sound consistent long term.

[@fridakahlo3228]

That's called codependency

[@solala1312]

please consider therapy! specialized mental health professionals might help you break the destructive cycle. stay safe and much love!

[@khadidjaalya2627]

You have to heal the wounded part that attracts this kind of women and then reprogram your mind so you will not feel bored by a normal and peaceful relationship. Its a big step that you are aware of your relationships patterns, you have just to release it...

[@mindfullivingnow2050]

I hope in this last 2 years you've improved this part of you. It's admiring how aware you are of your personality, if we all would be so rational this world would be better.

[@cindyklaassen3391]

I appreciate when you compare normal reactions with the differences in narcissist. Sometimes the projection over time confuses the mind when character has been called into question over decades. The chaos is uncomfortable but normal and what should be normal becomes uncertain/questionable. My narc is a career narc with 4 shared children.

[@SoapsLuvr]

Thank you so much for this video. I was raised by two narcissists (one that is probably actually borderline with a strong narcissist type) - so relationships of any importance in my life always involve some aspect of this personality type and I’ve learned to accept it - as long as I keep learning about it and how to cope with it. I think some people don’t understand that some of us were so strongly shaped by narcissists that it’s not really possible for us to leave this type no matter who it is that surfaces. And being with a non-narcissist type would NOT necessarily even work for us (or feel ‘right’).

[@NicolaRoseAndalora]

Me too.... It’s hard to believe how this is even possible because most people don’t experience this. I’m trying to understand what that must be like not to live life with these people magnetizing to me and Why I’m not happy with out these people in my life. I don’t know it’s hard. I’m trying to understand.

[@XFonti-ik3ql]

it's due to the Toxic CODEPENDENCY, created in early age, due to being raised by two Narcissists. You are attracted to what is familiar, unfortunately your subconscious controls your decisions even though they maybe be familiar BUT not good for you. We bring to our lives what we need to heal until we healed 🙏 ... You have to break the toxic pattern to be able to learn the dynamics of healthy relationships! Demands lots of courage, perseverance, discipline and self love and... NEVER EVER GIVE UP , the road is not easy, but worth every second !!! 💛 🙏

[@joanimal1]

I have a question does the psychopath have any actually real sexual attraction to their targets? Or do they just get bored with everyone weather they are or not? Having A very hard time understanding how Hes gone from extremely unattractive people to extremely attractive and back seemingly treating the more attractive ones brutally

[@samvaknin]

Watch the Narcissist's Sexuality playlist.

[@donnaofMelbourneFlorda]

Wow. So true. He was at his job as an engineer for 36 years. Had two divorces and his home was like a horder. Everything was a mess and disordered.

[@elenacatsquirrel3542]

Donna,same here, also 36 years at same job,although never married but had kids (commitments issues or didnt really care much for the woman to marry her, I never got to know). Great care about personal appearance, the facade, and a lot of criticism for how others looked , but his home messy, unloved, chaotic, everything in the way,like an obstacle course..Not like collectors, who have things all over the place, but just junk, everything out of place...that was the first dissonance, warning sign, but i didnt know who I was dealing with then..every textbook characteristic of a covert narc came to manifest themselves in due time..

[@MusicalMedley2]

Same here. His messiness chokes me, and my life with him. He isn't comfortable without a mess of junk and garbage (useless things) around him.

[@GLeon-ov9yu]

Same here! Narc has same job for 30 years but house was a dog kennel and slept on a filthy mattress on the floor.

[@ewag4755]

Only yesterday I left someone with borderline personality disorder,a person who during our 8 months relationship had few anger rages coused by almost nothing. Once he hurted himself, once he woke me up after fight and had a episode of such rage I thought he will kill me ,he was always telling me he have abandonment issues and depression all his life,I tried everything to help him , but he wanted to almost make me constanly proving how much I love him almost he expected from me to nurse him. When I for example left to see a friend and told him it was good day,he would act numb and than sleep in another room. Almost every single argument he was telling me his episodes of rage anger was my foult, I suspected he suffers from borderline personality disorder and I was almost prepared to help but I realised he probably knows his diagnosis and hiding this from me. I felt completely trapped,I would be prepared to help but he continues to ignore to act and rejected antidepressants and despite being a teacher highly educated he smoked weed which I didn know at first about when I met him.simply I would never suspect that teacher can be smoking marihuanna so often( every day) I knew I will leave and cant be with him becouse of the addiction,but was prepared to help him. Situation went really bad when I realised he was trying to punish me via differen behavior towards me if I did something that he didt like. I didnt see myself as a victim couse I knew he is sick,however when I realised he doesn't take his self disstruction seriously I knew I have to leave. I recognised his manipulation and often he told me he doesnt want to be this person. I had no other option than leave, when I realised he and his behavior are taking controll of my life and the way I think. I made sure he doesn't know my new adress,and to be honest that s what my intuition was telling me to do,,,not to tell him. I really feel sorry for him,but,,if he doesn't care enough to care for this very serious mental sickness I couldn help. I would like to add he is a very good father but my only option was to leave. Also ,his father was a lawyer who was shot when he was only 8 and his mother had to work and almost left him to himself for a year. This is a scary very scary personality disorder but during covid I observed him a lot and I have a suspicion he only have his rages when he chooses to,that would suggest he is capable to control it! Very,very weird personality but also god person!!!

[@GTFCEO]

Wow themother having to workis so similar of a situation I know of, and no they couldn't control their angeroutbursts whatsoever. Its like swearing out loudfor people with tourettes

[@kellydryden4360]

Thank you Sam!! Your the best to explain this. It’s very deep! Thanks again you are really making me understand! It is hard still on the soul and I guess the ego when you have loved and you wondered always why no reciprocation. Never understood till I found you on u tube. I just feel like I wasted my best years in life. On a positive note I’m young at heart and will be fine. Knowledge is everything !! Helps a lot!! Thank you!!

[@wenisbrothers]

Borderline I would argue is it's own thing. But I would argue that alot of people get misdiagnosed with it and actually just have psychopathy or narcissism.

[@naharali3627]

does this island of stability change ? if its the partner then she died for example , or if its the family , is the narcissist capable of creating another island?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@chasidyzaffuto9687]

Your video of the difference between a narcissist and physcopath was very enlightening. I can't wait to watch the rest of your videos. So, glad your channel is here to listen and learn. Thank you.

[@whyMDO]

I cant stop watching your videos since I found your channel a week ago. Your vivid and yet almost mathematically precise descriptions of very deep dynamics behind all theese phenomena are just stunning. Thank you for sharing!

[@ReservedInvestments]

Great analogy at the beginning of the video!

[@petersk475]

I was reading ICE MANS biography recently and it amazed me how Richard Kuklinski, a psycopath of the most violent kind, was able to create and sustain the image of the good and honest familly man, never had any extramarital affairs, spend time at home with his children doing simple every day activities etc etc... And in his one words this is what he actually wanted, a stable famlilly and he made his hobby of murder a job in order to support them. Maybe this was do to his paranoid side (he was diagnosed antisocial +paranoid)? Mr. Vaknin, i believe some videos on PPD would be interesting. I have heard that some times can be mistaken for antisocials.

[@staceystrukel1917]

BTK was like this too. I believe he is considered to be a psychopath. I’m not sure Sam is correct in his definitions. I don’t think anybody has the absolute say on what defines the different personality disorders. Humanity is just beginning to understand them and much more work is to be done.

[@laureenanderson3122]

How does one manage to get along with an odd bod of this description. I only ask after 50yrs of marriage and many years of longing and trying to help and hold our family together, to have my husband walk out saying he had feelings for a co-worker who was no spring chicken but I believe he needed her more than he needed me. We had a business together and it was my business to start with. He just took over believing, I guess, that he could do a better job. I thoroughly believed he loved me until our children left home when we were both about 45. Then things turned a little sour. I lost a new purpose built home, my job and my husband all in 1 year.

[@dumbskiz7630]

That's terrible. Im so sorry.

[@IndianJu]

Simply outstanding. Thank you very much for breaking down the complexities of narcissism in this highly enlightening way. 🙏

[@GraceMakundi]

So true they have a base women/men but they keep tearing other people and hurting other precious souls. We are going through a custody issue. This is so helpful to understand their dynamics.

[@ZlaTeta]

I somehow missed the minute in the video where Sam talks about a question to pose in order to establish whether someone is a Narc or Psycho...

[@deborahdaniels1242]

All your videos have changed my life! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@whyMDO]

Is there any chance to "grow" a narcissist or borderline to a more stable and adult mental functioning level?

[@samvaknin]

Search the therapies playlist.

[@LC-qi5ff]

Exactly that. The covert narc in my life is dedicated to hoarding money which he is good at but everything else is messed up (damaged relations with family, no friends, alcohol/porn abuse, no morals, depression/paranoia)

[@chrisgoeswest9882]

I have come only recently to your videos. I must say the mix of humor with often terrifying material is uniquely addictive.

[@TheOmniMic]

Terrifying is right. It's so very informative, but the accuracy of his descriptions of the psycho and the narc leave me to question... what in the hell was I in?😮 Minus the abusive language, everything else was spot on!

[@gemini7903]

I have a narcissistic alcoholic father..and guess who I married? A narcissistic alcoholic. I have 43 years of experience living with assholes. My mom passed away from cancer because she was so mentally damaged by abuse...I always repeated to myself " I am not my mom, I will fight "...and I am still fighting even though I am not in contact with both narcs. Prof. Sam Vaknin is the only one who knows what he is talking about.

[@towardsthelight220]

You chose to marry them.

[@gemini7903]

@@towardsthelight220 Very funny.

[@Langolin1998]

Can someone have some of each….narcissistic, borderline, and psychopathic traits? My ex showed signs of all three.

[@nickw.3894]

Hey Sam, can you do a video on the difference between the origin of celebrity and career narcissist? Can they be changed?

[@refaelarachmani3416]

Could it be that the one and only island of stability is constant, lifelong drug-abuse ?

[@samvaknin]

Yes, of course. Drug abuse is an entire lifestyle.

[@refaelarachmani3416]

@@samvaknin ...very sad but true , and ironicly they claim to be in charge even after total collapse and suicide threats all over the place. Astounishing ! it seems that the false self is the only rescue.

[@hannahahle]

Are most people in society narcissistic then? (Im British, so I guess I’m asking from that perspective) I might be misinterpreting what he’s saying but there are a lot of people I have come into contact with especially in the workplace that possess narcissistic characteristics. I also do some of the things he was saying are career narcissistic traits because I’m conscientious, but I’ve not climbed the ladder. Now wondering are people a product of a narcissistic workplace environment, and they just blend into that culture learning from the leadership? Not really thinking about what they’re learning just conforming? How do you actually discern who or what is harmful? Because I’m struggling to think of one person I know who doesn’t possess narcissistic traits right now?!? Mind blowing really. I think I need to watch the video again though to see if I can understand better.

[@solala1312]

humans all show narcissistic behavior, it's on a spectrum though. certain societal structures are benefical to narcissists. in my opinion, social media and modern media only confronts us to the extremes more than it used to.

[@christinerobertson9596]

My mother is obsessed with her 200 boxes of books. She always says her books are her life. They are non-negotiable. Everything else is a whirlwind. Filthy, chaotic, hoarder of empty and filled boxes. She will fly into a rage if you touch anything of hers. She does hold on to my kids and tried me, but I got away. She still holds my youngest daughter as a way to get to me.

[@danielp.1681]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge professor. I'm wondering if you or someone else here has the chance to answer the question to what triggers or under what circumstances will the narcissist ever feel uncomfortable with the false self and realize there is something wrong with him/her. Can there be a change if the narcissist ever understands the pain inflicted by the caregivers (i.e parents) is ever acknowledged and there is an apology?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for “aware”.

[@danielp.1681]

@@samvaknin thank you

[@katrinamattison9636]

Your content is amazing at the moment. So helpful!

[@Lalahlandxo]

Def agree with you it can be dangerous to generalize and cater to victims without a much larger and better structure psychological profile of the experience. Thank you for being a voice of reason

[@ilana_Lady_Stardust_Rising]

Hi Sam, thanks for this interesting video. Very helpful and insightful. I was wondering something after watching the video. Does the narcissist sometimes switch stablilty islands by necessity? For Instance when his partner is his island of stability, and she leaves. And there is no new availabele partner that he values as good enough to replace her? Can he then switch to have his stability Island at work for instance, until he has had a new island of stability in a relationship? Or if he doesn't find anyone, remaining with that stability focus at work?

[@samvaknin]

Yes, he can switch between types of islands of stability.

[@grantlamarche]

Of all the videos and articles I've read on the issue of narcissism and psychopathy, this is by far the most concise. Thank you for your work!

[@holamonica13]

It will be so helpful to have a book/ guide to easily teach my teen daughter about how to identify the mentally ill, so she does not have to learn the hard way. More than once I was involved with narcissistic people, I wish I knew what I learned with painful experiences. A book with examples of probably something teens like, love stories of people with this symptoms and how the wrong choice of boyfriend/ friends can destroy them. Teaching this early in once life can make a world of difference. Thank you for sharing such a valuable knowledge. ✨🌻

[@Parcha64]

Thank you for humanizing these people. I find many fans of other channels get bogged down and stuck in a dark, vilifying, and vengeful place. Most commenters here seem to be very gracious and open to new, even unpleasant information. Much more constructive than seeking out another buzzword salad to seethe to.

[@agiejones7651]

I concur!🙏🙏🙏🙌👌

[@neilw259]

So a psychopath has no island of stability only chaos. Does this complete absence of logos typify all those who are diagnosed with anti social personality disorder, or only the most severe cases?

[@stixsta6007]

That introduction malarky proper made me laugh! Nice 1.. and now having got to the end proper made me think too. My efforts to educate myself are paying off thanks to Sam Vaknin and his associate/ friend Richard Grannon. Everyday's a school day so they say, but these fellas must have helped so many. Discovering these two was a game changer and a serious personal leveller. Huge respect to both for such valuable and protective insights and the passion to raise awareness of not just the impacts of narcissistic abuse but offering the knowledge and understanding of why they are like that are. I've learnt a very valuable lesson in not to take it personally, so now I just object to being an object and that makes sense to me.

[@m.dekleijn762]

Is there a lecture available on the difference between a covert borderline and a borderline narcissist?

[@samvaknin]

Borderline narcissist is not a recognized diagnosis. It describes a NARCISSIST with borderline traits. A covert narcissist is a BORDERLINE with narcissistic traits.

[@m.dekleijn762]

@@samvaknin Thanks for clarifying, Sam.

[@saschafarnell7717]

This will possibly sound like the oddest thing you’ve ever read but… I would love to sit down with you and describe someone in my life and just ask you a hundred questions. Sam, do you ever do 1-on-1 sessions online? I live in Melbourne, Australia. Also, would you ever come to Melbourne to speak to an audience?

[@karziekey]

Just brilliant. Thank you, Sam.

[@kristianmcclendon8355]

well thank you for clarifying this for me, i am clearly a psychopath. no sign of stability, at all, this way

[@whyMDO]

Can a true narcissist agree that he is a narcissist?

[@samvaknin]

Not likely.

[@971u08kaa]

THANK YOU FOR THIS MATERIAL. I think a self-diagnosis can be tricky haha (of course) becouse I consider myself a stable, even sometimes boring person (definitely bored person) and without consultation with therapist and friends I would never think that I dont have an island of stability. But it's true and I see it now. Very interesting

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Thank you 👍😎.. I agree, your final point, is so important, everyone is different & unique, however many of us billions of humans may share similarities in our basic amygdala programming, we all have free will & self awareness & we can all develop the self awareness to work on ourselves & focus on working on our character traits & improving ourselves & working on our self awareness & self control as well as our ability to handle others. I also agree that there are far too many experts out there nowadays, including AI generated or narrated content, claiming to be the latest expert on personality types or disorders, whether narcissistic or other traits. I've personally always felt it's important to be objective & even if someone could display certain traits, it's important not to frame them or demonize others, otherwise if you regress into dualistic them or us thinking, you'll only inevitably turn into a narcissist yourself. Separately, I am wondering what you have to say about the role of oxytocin on behaviour? I watched something earlier talking about recent studies describing how the hormone is not just the bonding hormone in intimate relationships but also represents the hormone that governs tribal bonding & contributes even to aggression in both senses of defending the partner or defending the tribe. I'm wondering what your thoughts are in relation to the hormonal aspect of when someone's attachment style is disordered, causing them to treat the partner in a toxic way. Vs. a loving bonded way. If you know of any studies related to avoidant attachment style for example leading to disordered hormonal attachment/ detachment in subsequent relationships.

[@sambam9129]

My ex N had same job working w children 28 years, married 20 years til wife left, lived in same area all his life 🤷‍♀️and long term group of friends

[@Nexus2Eden]

If you are pretty much trained from birth to follow your own ideas, no matter what anyone else says, because it will make you a legend...and everything you stated about Career Narcissist is what they teach in schools and life coaching as the ideal human? I've heard nothing my entire life but climb to the top, take no prisoners, you have to be ruthless...so how does one survive in that world with an actual heartbeat? I fear I may be a borderline psychopath because I refuse to be a career narcissist. You can't get a job unless you lie and cheat your way in and no one told me once I got in to sit down and twittle my thumbs for 20 years. I've been whipped to run hard and hot for my entire life...how am I supposed to decouple this psychopathy and narcissistic shell that's all broken and falling apart?

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/14.html

[@auroradijana7915]

I think that entitlement is always a red flag because motives are important. NPD person can be super succesfull, sad thing is he/she would feel like imposter regardless.

[@queenofpeaceandlove1413]

Thanks Professor Vaknin for your educational and excellent work. You've helped me for years.

[@rodirsno]

Would be very interesting to have a lecture on what a normal range of the behaviors you described here would encompass in reasonably healthy peoole. (I got the feeling everyone ( maybe just me and I am projecting) is a bit off and ticks boxes here and there on a personality disorder spectrum.) How does one keep oneself in check and on track for a healthy path through life? I try to self reflect a lot, but this can be a self deceiving process too I' bet - especially when there is a lack of knowledge. For example: I want to do this or that for a good reason. Let's pick a field that is not popular. Music. People around one would usually tell one it is not safe and too risky. How to analyze this situation properly? Is a family or friends naturally concerned, overbearing, or is something wrong with the person not wanting to become a doctor? Last relationship was a mess - how can I analyze aspects in it and make sure I am not the destructive one or if I actually lack in areas and served as a catalyst for troubles - how can I find out and correct myself? A book on all that would be very interesting. Thanks Sam!

[@oileengrace8228]

Hi Sam, could you talk about Narcissists and pets? Can they love their pets?

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/animal.html