Say These Things That Are Helpful, Not Hurtful | Lysa TerKeurst

Do you ever find yourself short of words when your friend is navigating a difficult season? You want to be there for her, be a good listener, encourage and pray for her, but how can you know with confidence what she actually needs right now?
During this conversation, Lysa TerKeurst and two of her friends Candace Salamone and Melanie Chitwood discuss the dynamics of walking with a friend through hard times. They also cover helpful and unhelpful things to say and questions to ask.
We will all be more equipped to be a better friend after listening to this episode!
Related Resources:
- The pain you're experiencing deserves a safe place to be processed. That's why Lysa TerKeurst created this FREE resource: "The 5 Healing Perspectives You Need for Your Hurt or Heartbreak." When you download today, Lysa will help you unpack the five crucial perspective shifts that will empower you to start changing the way you see the most difficult parts of your situation. proverbs31.org/read/resource-...
- Find real-life encouragement by connecting with Lysa TerKeurst here on Instagram. / lysaterkeurst
- Connect with Melanie Chitwood on Instagram, @melanieschitwood, and her website, melanieschitwood.com.
- Connect with Candace Salamone on Instagram, @candacesalamone, and her website, candacesalamone.com/.
#lysaterkeurst #friendship #howtobeagoodfriend #whattosaytoafriendwhoishurt #heartbreak #proverbs31 #proverbs31ministries #saythesethingsthatarehelpfulnothurtful

[@lisacarle1686]

I can't describe & just don't have words😢 I'm just hurting & my tears don't stop. I have nobody to be with or process with. It's wonderful to see what friends actually look like & having others in your life. Thank you for the invite.

[@jilelam]

I feel the same🤗

[@jennifergramirez]

Praying for everyone in this thread who is grieving any type of loss. My husband just told me he has cancer and this video came at the right time. 🙏🏽❤️🤌🏽

[@jilelam]

@@jennifergramirez Thank you 😊 I pray for all🙏🤗🙏✝️

[@jilllingenfelter4682]

God is the amazing Healer. And I understand how you ladies are feeling for sure. And I have gone through permanent divorce 9 years ago. And I have gone through all of the emotions even before our separation happened. And my ex husband cheated on me the whole time we were married. And my amazing Godly family have been my loving support. And they have reached out to all my church families in my town/city immediately right after I was abandoned by my ex husband for the second very last time in November 17th of 2015.And that anniversary is coming up in a few days. And then our separation happened November 18th 2015. And then our permanent divorce happened in April 21/22nd 2016. and all my church families stood in the gap for me. And prayed non stop for me when I didn’t have any strength at all in me back then. And I didn’t want any music on in my apartment.And I didn’t want any light to be in my apartment. And all I wanted to do was sleep constantly back then. And I also didn’t have much of an appetite at all And I just wanted to hide/disappear:( 😭😭And I also absolutely hated my blonde hair. And I still do. And that hasn’t changed at All. And I will be coloring it very very soon :) :):) And I’m very very excited about that:):) And all the loving support prayers, loving encouragement from everyone I absolutely love has really helped me :) And God has really helped me to heal inside/out:) And I have my appetite back. And I love staying busy.and I absolutely love church ministry life:) And I absolutely absolutely appreciate my Singleness :) And I absolutely love being a Godly aunty to my 3 amazing Godly nephews:) And I absolutely resonate from everything that was said here today :) And everything that was said here is super 100% true/super helpful. And here is what I have also learned whatever hasn’t killed me in this life. And what hasn’t put me in a early grave has only made me super super strong :)@Official Proverbs 31 Ministries:)

[@trishbech9082]

❤ Love and hugs to everyone and don’t give up hope! You matter. You are not alone in your experience even though you may feel discouraged at the moment. Pray to have the Lord bring friends into your life. Personally, I am so thankful we have online communities like this to encourage my heart when things seem hopeless at the moment. I pray we turn things around with Him as our strength, and God plants in our hearts ways to get through and get beyond whatever we are facing.

[@myheartHislove]

Just heard Lysa last night in Rockford MI. I really needed the encouragement, going thru divorce after 30yrs (an amputee w lots of health issues) have no idea what I'll do but trusting in my Savior one day, one moment, at a time. And when I'm on top of this pain, I'll publish the bk I'm writing and Lysas encouragement will have been part of my fuel. Thank you Lysa!!

[@keekeekeekeekeekee7783]

Going thru the same divorced, empty nest, moved, alone, 1 friend...whew thank you friends

[@trishbech9082]

❤

[@lisacarle1686]

❤️🙏🥰 You're not alone.

[@ky8711]

Wish there were women’s divorce recovery groups at my church. There are many widow’s groups and they’re so supportive of each other. I’m 66 years old going through this alone after a long time marriage.

[@melaniearrowood2221]

Have you thought about starting one? Maybe a church leader can tell you where to start or the leader of one of the widow's groups? Or if you don't want to start one through the church, maybe do a meet up at a local coffee shop? ❤

[@dawnturner9308]

Christian Music helped me so much… God comforted me through that, and Lysa’s experience!

[@bryfount9052]

Another thing not to say (imo) is you are so strong. I feel so weak already and then I feel not heard. Yes, I went through a lot and I'm surviving, but it doesn't mean that I'm ok at all. I'm definitely not thriving. When I just got a hug and some sort of listening, it is so much better.

[@RASHASA1237]

When I were coming out of a abusive marriage. When someone given a Bible verse. It changed my mindset because that is why GOD!!! Has it. Be blessed!!!🕊🤍

[@chargrover8279]

Thank you, for bringing to light well intended words that may actually have the opposite effect. Yes, more of these please!!

[@jilelam]

I love to laugh. I have no one to laugh with.❤

[@trishbech9082]

❤

[@trishbech9082]

I can totally relate… other than at shows, I Can’t remember the last time I laughed let alone get together with a friend. My last conversations with my friends were ALL about non laughing serious problems in their marriages. We will overcome - God does not want us to remain in this state and I truly believe He will work more joyfully circumstances in our lives. Let’s all pray to Him to encourage our hearts and for help towards finding a way to laugh again!

[@lisacarle1686]

So very true for me. I can't remember the last time I did. My sorrow & grief just won't go away & I'm sooo exhausted of this. I'm just not the same & I'm not sure who I am now.

[@dawnturner9308]

I get that… God will provide. Personally I just laugh at myself! 😛

[@jilelam]

@@dawnturner9308 I do the same. Always feel I am laughing with God 🤗 🙏🤗🙏✝️Give it all to the Lord 🙏✝️

[@Nsmartinez101]

I would emphasize how important it is to pray for good friends, if you don’t have them. God has been so good to bless me with a group of friends that has filled an empty place in my life that my divorce left. God first showed me how HE needs to be number one and I went through a period where He was all I had but then he allowed amazing friends to come in to my life to do the things with that I would have probably jumped prematurely into a relationship for, just to have someone to do something with. So, bottom line, God knows what you need and WHEN you need it. Pray!

[@missjunith2188]

I'm that friend!!! Lord Please allow me to attract what I give to others😢I Really Need A True Friend!

[@jacquelinesheehan5748]

I truly enjoyed this, thank you ladies! ❤

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching, friend!

[@franceshampton8767]

Thank you for talking about this. I,too, was guilty of "band aid" remarks because I had not yet experienced this type of pain. Another helpful tip is not start to rattle on about the annoying things your spouse does. I know you are trying to relate to the grieving friend, but all I could say back was, "at least your husband is still there for you!"

[@tina2667-jy8my]

I love this! ☺️ life's struggles would be much easier to get through with friends such as you three 🤪 with that said, saying the RIGHT thing can be so difficult to some that they resort to saying nothing at all. Supportive words are just as unique to an individual as the individual themselves. My marriage is ending after 37 years. "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'll always be here for you", would be chicken soup for my soul.

[@patcossey4245]

I loved this! Thank you to all of you!!

[@meganwildhood3893]

I went through my divorce alone. I had lost my church and didn't know anyone, especially anyone my age, who had gone through a divorce. The people who said the worst things to me were Christians and that kept me out of the church for ten years. Finally stepping back into church community, I still don't feel safe to share my history because of how horribly judgemental Christians have been. Thank you for showing me that it's possible for Christians not to be jerks.

[@donna-colorado8443]

The one comment people said that didn't really help me at the time is that God's got this. I know He's got it. However, I needed someone to just talk to.

[@jeaniewright8817]

It would be great to have some more friend talks(: thank you ladies

[@franceshampton8767]

Lysa, I hope you and the girls consider making more helpful videos. For some of us, these videos will be our support group. I am perfectly fine w/this because the topics you cover are exactly what we betrayed are feeling and thinking. Thank you for sharing the knowledge and experiences that each of you are suffering through.

[@jennamartin5913]

I’m having a really really rough grief, fear whatever day….. this was needed! Thanks ladies! 💖💖💖

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're glad this helped you!

[@pisicacutecat4869]

One of my good friends is going through this right now. Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm learning how to just be here for my friend. 🙏

[@irisharris3719]

I have learned so much from this discussion. Thank you!

[@Thankful305]

Thank you Lysa, Candace and Mel ~ so glad you have each other "Call ______ forth to a better place!" ... ♥ THAT! Gotta get that Monoply Deal ;)

[@sarahmorgan5243]

This is so good. I have 2 friends that do this. We may not hang out, but they text me to check on me and cheer me up.

[@dawnturner9308]

I just lost my good friend … who I moved in with for the first year of my divorce. She died of Parkinsons and was in such difficult situation … but knowing she is with Jesus.. . Dancing now really helps!

[@lisacarle1686]

❤️🙏

[@jessicamiranda7101]

I too felt the relief at the beginning of my grief process. So hearing Lisa say that really resonated with me. Definitely going through all the emotions and taking it one day at a time. Thank you for helping me through my own journey.

[@trishbech9082]

❤

[@lisacarle1686]

❤️🙏🥰 You're not alone.

[@Griffnstuff]

I too felt relief. I remember preparing a small meal in my kitchen alone, and realizing how much weight was gone, after fighting to save my marriage for so long. I moved onto the other stages, but not uninterrupted by distractions/ decisions I made that weren't in my best interest for healing. Other unhealthy relationships, sick parents, my own health struggles, and job issues set me back years. I'm still single after 13 years, lost a parent, a 16 y/o pet, dissolved a parent's Estate, and I just this past year have I been able to process everything that I've lost since my divorce. You Ladies are awesome. I loved this helpful information more than you'll ever know. I still feel like I walk in the room with the label above my head, so I avoid. Y'all are so relatable❤

[@michellemorkel5956]

THANK YOU🎉❤

[@slm2021]

Thank you, ladies. That was wonderful and very helpful. God bless you for helping all of us be better friends and partners in this world. 🙏 ❤

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're glad you enjoyed it!

[@jeaniewright8817]

I am so sorry Candyce that someone said that to you. I’m happy for you that you have a good support system from your friends. It only takes one friend in your life that makes all the difference. And you have been blessed with two friends .

[@hannawatts8368]

Don’t be a Switzerland friend. It hurts so deeply when your friend doesn’t want to take a side.

[@bremimy277]

I like Mel's voice. 🧡. Be that friend. 💙

[@dawnturner9308]

Yes… we are not contagious!

[@ChildoftheLIGHT]

Wonderful discussion ladies! So many golden nuggets gleaned, so YES, please do this again!🩵

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're so glad you enjoyed this!

[@lyta7305]

Thank you! Much needed topic. Would like more practical examples on how to be that kind of friend. Blessings!

[@pattymackey5467]

Thank you so much🙏💕🌹💕🙏

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching!

[@dawnturner9308]

Amen … do not camp out!

[@tracikauffman6753]

😢

[@debragibbs9347]

Do not assume that because a person is married that they have not experienced the griefs you describe regarding their marriage...

[@jennifertullos4193]

How did the 3 of you reconnect (after the separation from kid's schools), a church Bible study?

[@ellec968]

Not trying to be negative, but what I got out of this video is that if you’re not a close friend of the other person, and if you have not also gone through the same thing they did, one should just not say anything. Most often than not, it would be taken as unhelpful or even hurtful, even though it comes from a sincere place of care.

[@franceshampton8767]

A legit observation. More often than not intentions do come from a good place. Asking how you can help is the best question. The hurt friend or family member will likely tell you.