Gaslighting: Abuse That Makes You Question Reality

[@Nu_Wen]

My current theory is this. The reason gaslighting is so harmful is because it breaches the person's sense of trust in people and in the world itself. You are in a sense disconnecting them from everything and everyone else. You are also effectively disconnecting them from themselves which is what they need to stay mentally healthy. That loss of trust in Literally everything forces the brain into a constant fight or flight mode where it must be in constant use to solve the current predicament it's in and be safe again. The brain itself will have trouble coping with no coping mechanisms, after all how can you trust it will help you cope? Do you even need to cope if "nothing's wrong"? You need trust in order to function properly, as a social species that lack of it is what makes it harmful. The brain itself needs it in order to stay balanced and on top of things so to speak. Without it, the brain will just tire itself out, it will wear down what ever sanity it valued in the attempt of fixing "the problem" or apparent lack there of.

[@wadeguidry6675]

Tana Collier: Thank you. It would take to long for me to explain, but you may have just told a stranger (me) the most important thing I've read in years.

[@gonorrheabreath3774]

I don't know if you covered this in your lengthy comment but it does the most damage by eroding one's trust in themselves. Everyone is unique and their personal experiences can vary greatly but the core formula is fairly consistent as are the issues; adultery, addiction (be it drug/alcohol, spending and/or sexual) and/or financial infidelity. I use the 'and/or' a lot because many of these underlying motivators are a cocktail of all aspects. In short; it's a mess.

[@birichinaxox9937]

This my whole family. Then as like calls like 'friends' i constantly try and give to convince ppl to have me around. Im so lonely always.

[@raerae5660]

Look, Lady D and Michelle and 2 others going through it

[@tomrhodes1629]

Gaslighting is most damaging when it is THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES who is attempting to do this to the entire country, and indeed, to the entire world!! He is obviously a psycopath, and his followers are his enablers. If you want to know WHY gasliighting occurs and why it can be effective, give me a "click" and watch my video "WHY DO PEOPLE BELIEVE LIES?"

[@Master_Therion]

Gaslighting sounds terrible. One more reason to switch to efficient Compact Fluorescent or LED bulbs. Save the environment AND your relationships!

[@ajguevara6961]

Two words: Flickering lights

[@pierrecurie]

It flickers at 120 Hz; so fast that you can't see it

[@Tomyb15]

pierrecurie you can actually tell it's not completely uniform. It's easier if you look at the light with your peripheral vision. Though I have to mention that some lights don't flicker at 120Hz and instead at a lower frecuency. I don't remember exactly why (I'll look into it) but I think it was due to faulty ballasts or because some special ballasts are used at places like supermarkets where the lower frecuency is needed, but I don't remeber why.

[@pierrecurie]

Lower frequencies are prob due to variations in the powerline. It is very difficult to lower frequencies intentionally (except to near 0). Aging capacitors might also do weird things.

[@soutpielsanchez1574]

+pierrecurie - yeah....gaslighting but just subliminal.

[@LungsOutJem]

That mention about cheaters was dead on. My ex-wife still tells people I left her for another woman, despite the fact that I divorced her because I had undeniable proof of her extra marital affairs. I would have stayed with her if she could have managed a simple apology, but she couldn't even do that. That is a seriously deep psychological issue.

[@cathy921ontheradio]

I know that, my brother was accused of cheating during his marriage when his wife and her family was actually treating him horribly, yet they denied it :/. luckily they divorced, although it was turned into a whole unnecessary fiasco -_-

[@bornbredbermudian7643]

It's sad that it's often not just gaslighting itself but that it includes pathological lying with it too.

[@endrankluvsda4loko172]

@Petty Realist That's a terrible idea :(

[@rakeshbellary2938]

mosty NPD do this

[@Ironjawswife]

J. C. Your ex is a covert narcissist.

[@growlinghands4696]

"Find someone to double-check reality" is useful, but as important is *find someone to validate you emotionally* because it's not just a breaking-down of what's real, it's a breaking down of one's self.

[@naraposthumus8478]

True words my friend and personally gaslite me. I had contact with his campaign. I'm suicidal now. 😪

[@moravialaurich5423]

That it is, unless the gaslighted has already pushed all of the friends away, isolating the victim.

[@ninanickel3103]

Moravia Laurich mine is like this. He pretended to be a good person and wanted the guy I was in love with a narcissist. I know he broke into my home and tried to harm me. All signs are there. It’s usually always a person that is close that tries to take what isn’t theirs

[@arsaeterna4285]

this is how my mom ran my family and raised me i woke up around highschool and once I was old enough to leave, I called her on it family hates me, I'm the devil now I try to convince myself they deserve it by being stupid honestly, one phrase tore the whole thing down 'you put the stick in the hand that beats you'

[@brianm6337]

'you put the stick in the hand that beats you' Yes... but a stick is an inanimate object. A hand is attached to a person. A person WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER AND HAVE COMPASSION. The person who said that obviously has none....

[@mousetrap773]

Sounds like my parents. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. All that matters is who is the loudest, and how much they can hurt you by the end of it all. They bank on the fact that I simply don’t have the energy to keep arguing for days, and see it as weakness when I walk away. They keep going until they’ve broken you down. That is not what parents should be like.

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

Que Dableyou get used to being the devil. just dont ever go back. I did and its nearly killed me. We dont deserve to suffer but they will convince you that you do and youll attract people into your life who agree.

[@mariebourgot4949]

Same except it is my father.

[@habibsyed9190]

If you feel like you gained something from gaslighting, go along with it. If not, blow their heads off.

[@josephscalia8822]

I need that Hank Green "it waznt me" as a gif.

LETHAL/F33D3RZ MUSIC Can't do that my good sir...you were tried and convicted of gaslighting your fellow internet user. You are guilty. Turn yourself into the proper authorities.

[@philistine2nd]

You can make one at giphy.com/

[@BrainMusicCenter]

Gaslighting is so terrible when you're the victim. It took me years to recover my confidence and abliity to make even simple descinions like what are we going to have for dinner. My ex was emotionally abusive and he did all he could to destroy my mind and keep me chained to him. Once I finally started taking college classses and talking daily with other sane and reasonable adults, I started to see the abuse more clearly and was able to kick him to the curb.

[@alexingman6725]

My housemate was in an abusive / manipulative relationship about 10 years ago, and she also has a really hard time making decisions. Also I suspect her current boyfriend may be a con man. Do you think having a history of being gaslighted would make her more susceptible to it?

[@shoebill328]

I'm so sorry you went through this. It's great that you overcame it.

[@alvallac2171]

*decisions

[@daveware4117]

People that find them selfs victims of gaslighting are mentaly and emotionaly very weak people. These are the same type of people that end up in cults. Do the world a favor.....if this tactic of control has worked on you, please dont have children.

[@tahneethompson6012]

Dave Ware uhh if you 'weak' emotionally than that means your brain is more developed than someone who is emotionally 'strong' ever heard of emotional intelligence yea its that thing that tells you that you are in fact a victim and that it is affecting you

[@Nagarath16]

Gaslighting is terrible. You never quite escape it - and will always doubt yourself more than most after being the victim of it. And often you end up being the victim more than once. But most terrible thing is that doctors seem to use the certain type of gaslighting to their patients - especially if they don't figure out right away what's wrong with the patient so it must be patient's fault or/and in their head.

[@MrMycelium]

Maybe you're simply just wrong...

[@MissMiserize]

+Mr.Mycelium Dude, why are you going to every other comment discrediting people?

[@Nagarath16]

+MissMiserize, He is probably practicing his gaslighting skills and overall how to be an arse.

[@im.empimp]

In medicine there is the concept of the "placebo effect" which has some strong similarities to "gaslighting". Just a guess, but I'm guessing there are doctors that try to intentionally use the placebo effect, to affect positive change with a patient, and instead end up gaslighting them.

[@im.empimp]

My last girlfriend had a certifiable mental disorder herself and one of it's symptoms was that she was constantly gaslighting everyone around her. I was very severely burned, that I questioned everything about our relationship. I didn't realize just how bad it had been, until she broke into her subsequent ex's house (despite never having been to said house, so it wasn't just breaking and entering, there was also stalking involved) and I was asked to testify about some of the things she had done while we were dating. That's when a lot of the truth started coming out, and pieces started falling into place. The last I heard, she opted to commit herself instead of going to prison. The whole experience left me so scarred that I haven't dated in over a decade. I don't see the promise of a relationship outweighing the hell that I went through with her, and I'm not willing the risk the later on the possibility of the former.

[@nicolelollipops8268]

That feeling is the scariest because they are so good at making you question your own sanity and education

[@jlashea24]

Yes 🙄

[@SamanthDarling]

My ex gaslighted me for 5 years. He made sure that I felt like his choosing me was a gift and I should see that I'm not worthy. He started dating my best friend at the time and they tried to convince everyone that I was a crazy girl and that him and I never dated. You would think I would have cut him out then but I didn't. I was convinced that if I stayed, he'd finally see that I was good enough for him. I thought if I did everything he wanted, he would stay and he'd be proud to love me. He would tell me how dumb I was for saying certain things and that nobody could see the good in me except him. If I moved too much, was too quiet, wore lipstick put my hair up or ate something fruity then he'd get upset. I don't know how I thought that was what love was. On my birthday he messaged me to remind me that I was a terrible person and everyone agreed with him but he's a nice guy so he said happy birthday anyways. Abuse isn't just physical. The mental abuse can because the hardest to stomach.

[@cabbagelettuce3340]

Samantha Darling Please tell me you and him are no longer contacting each other anymore.

[@brandyscrow]

Because love is hard to define its easy to get the wrong idea about what love should be. I'm sorry you were stuck in that part of your life for so long i hope your life now is much better. Love you friend. Keep your head up!

[@Blox117]

that was your fault, its not like he forced you to do anything

[@pendlera2959]

+Blox117 Thank you for that textbook example of how society supports and enables abusers.

[@Blox117]

Pendlera Thanks for wasting my time reading this dumbass comment as well as responding to it.

[@BlackHayateTheThird]

A segment on emotional abuse in general would be really insightful, especially the silent treatment and its effects. I was emotionally (and physically, sexually) abused, but the silent treatment was the most consistent form of abuse I received that really affected my mental health and my emotional well-being. I think it would be a good topic for this channel.

[@allthelittleboxes]

BlackHayateTheThird I agree! When I first left home and allowed myself to get help (waited for too long but couldn't get my parents in trouble) it was so hard to open up about the volatile situations at home because we was always told right after something happened that it didn't happen, it wasn't that bad and then if we told anyone it would be our fault for splitting the family up. What made it worse was my dad was ex military and would never leave bruises but would knock us out or make indirect threats about making bombs or killing us. I'm still finding out stuff that happened that wasn't okay. The physical abuse came out first, the bits that made me flinch when someone so much as yawns. But the emotional abuse is something I'm still working on. I've recently been diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder which is linked with abuse. Emotional abuse is what's sticking around at least for me but I find it's the least understood and people tend to think it's the least important one. You can convince yourself people aren't out to kill you or hurt you in time (with a fantastic therapist) but convincing yourself you matter, stuff actually happened, it wasn't your fault and you don't deserve this, you aren't a bad person, you aren't crazy ect is alot harder.

[@manuelhernandez87]

Why did you place "and physically, sexually" in parentheses?

[@manuelhernandez87]

IMO the silent treatment is not abuse.

[@dawne5139]

I have experienced the silent treatment. When it first started to happen I tried my best to find out what I had done wrong, however that made things worse. Leaving was not an option. Being young and still in love, it hurt a lot. However over time I got to the point where not only did I not care, but enjoyed it. More time to do what I wanted without listening to a bunch of things I did not care less about. You can see the love was gone. His record was 1 year by the way. I think he figured it out over time as the silent times became shorter and shorter over the years. I am now lucky if I can get a day or two of silent treatment. Still don't know what causes them, but stopped caring decades ago.

[@jonnuanez2843]

@@manuelhernandez87 the silent treatment is classic manipulation. I was raised in that atmosphere. Both my mom and stepdad #3 would go for 2-3 weeks without talking to each other, avoiding each other, etc. No one knew how to act. I didn't know who to talk to. And no one knew what set whoever off. This went on for about 7-8 years, starting when I was 7 till 15 years old. Yep, the developmental years.

[@iamphoenixfire]

As someone who has been gaslit... it messes up your mind, man. There are two years of my life where I am still trying to figure out if certain things are real or fake. For all of you who are just learning about this and/or have never experienced it, it really is going mad. Working ones way back to sanity afterwards is not easy. For me, it actually took meeting with my gaslighter over a year after it happened to confirm in my mind that what happened was real.

[@ryanocerus7853]

That sounds counter-intuitive/productive. I had 2 plus years of harassment/gaslighting.

[@EnrigueFan]

iamphoenixfire has

[@brianm6337]

Hold my beer. I'm approaching 30 years of hell.

[@mokin-rui717]

This type of behavior really upsets me and I will not put up with it. Gaslighters are mentally deranged that should be avoided at all costs.

[@IamMissPronounced]

Watching this honestly made me realize that my dad (who walked out on my mom and us) claiming that my mom tells us to hate him, when really, we're adults and choose to ridicule him for leaving in the first place, is gaslighting. He's always been an emotionally abusive individual, trying to gain sympathy when he was really in the wrong or blaming my (disabled) mother for all his problems.

[@bornbredbermudian7643]

My dad walked out on me and convinced anyone who'd listen that my mother was crazy and that she was trying to keep me from him. When in reality he was too busy with his sidechicks to care about either of us until my mom decided to stop believing his lies.

[@1098234567]

Ah emotional abuse, it's like a warm blanket of my childhood... if that blanket was made of razor blades and the warmth was actually your self worth and confidence leaving your body and being replaced by neuroses and anxiety

[@spacekid9680]

Yipes

[@heliosbluesketch5187]

Yeah, about the same here too.

[@mousetrap773]

This is me

[@YumegakaMurakumo]

@Anata No Seinei Oh my god. This is the best metaphor I've ever seen. It's too true. This is pretty much my childhood and unfortunately still going through!😥

[@iprobablyforgotsomething]

Sounds like you had the same kind of (in)security blanket growing up as I did.

[@ryanliberty]

Excellent, balanced explanation. I appreciate making note that everyone gaslights (to a point) and not everyone is doing it intentionally. However, being at the receiving end of it when it IS a pattern can be extremely disorienting, distressful, and even traumatizing. I'm glad that sociologists are coming on board to examine the phenomenon. I think it's a bigger problem than people realize.

[@JasonFireGameplays]

This is also a common example of bullying which we don't necessarily call by such a name

[@wizardtim8573]

Going to have to look into this more. It's a psychology term I never heard of and that's rare o.O

[@alanb7469]

If you want to go down to fundamentals it could be another way of picking on somebody after you've learned about life yourself. Also, the whole spectrum of belief can lead one into the English way of thinking, which is to touch things with a stick.

[@xzor2101]

"Disorienting " is the perfect word to describe how it feels when it's done to you, especially as a child

[@smithsmitherson9449]

Isn't this an issue with psychologist as opposed to sociologist? Psychologist = one person while sociologist = society. let us not get tripped over the small facts.

[@chibi013]

Wow! A whole episode about my parents. SciShow, you spoil me.

[@ElectricPyroclast]

It helps to have a strong sense of self when fighting against gaslighting.

[@gumunduringigumundsson9344]

This should be relevant then kzbin.info/www/bejne/l4SyaoJ8f7OAeKM 🖕😁

[@user-ko4zp1wm2i]

You must be a genius

[@virglibrsaglove]

Usually gasslighters choose people who are already vulnerable in some way.

[@TheWoebegoneJackal]

I can definitely say that women aren't always the victim and in fact can be the perpetrators of this abuse tactic. I had an ex stayed with for a couple years longer than I really should have, and the entire time they had me convinced as being a terrible boyfriend to them. I knew they were cheating on me, I knew they were stealing money from me, I knew they were using me for a place to live, but I was doubting all of this at the same time. It wasn't until she pulled a box cutter on me that I realize I was being manipulated to the point where this kind of abuse seems like I deserved it. Please, take care of yourselves out there.

[@dragoonsunite]

This is a nasty two edged sword. I had an ex who frequently said things, lashed out, interupted me, or insulted me, and then when I called her on it, would deny having done it (Aka technically she was gaslighting me). I come from a psychology background, but rather then recognizing it that way, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and I assumed she actually did not recall the things she said, and told her I clearly recalled them and she must have forgotten she said them (Which led to her thinking I was gaslighting her from her perspective since she didn't recall saying these things). The only thing that finally settled it was that I started recording our conversations, and getting extremely aggressive with correcting her, and immediately following it up with proof that she in fact did what I accused her of. Ultimately she broke up with me, so it's questionable whether this was the 'right' move, but I sincerely don't believe to this day she was maliciously gaslighting me, I think she actually didn't recall, which is evident by her relatively poor recollection and memory in day to day life, not just our arguments. I bring it up though because she sincerely thought I was abusing her, and accusing her of doing things she didn't do, and then trying to make her think she was losing her mind by telling her she was forgetting. It only became evident this wasn't the case when I provided solid evidence, and in a way that I recorded our conversations came off as a breach of trust, but one she couldn't refute because it had been effective in proving to her that she was wrong in every instance I used it, thus defusing the claim that it was 'unnecessary' or itself 'abusive' since it was a mechanism to prevent her abusive practice of in fact gaslighting me by claiming I was gaslighting her. In any case, I don't think cases where gaslighting is occuring are so easilly reconcilable, and while some are overt cases of abuse, I think there has to be a significant number of cases that are not, and therefore labeling this phenomena abuse so readilly does nothing but destroy relationships where some serious psychological issues may be present. I know for a fact that my ex had alzheimers in her family. It sucks, but the reality is she may have been hyper sensitive to the suggestion that her memory was slipping because it may be an indication of early onset alzheimers, and it is HIGHLY abusive to suggest she is losing her memory if she actually isn't. However, the one thing worse than a false accusation is a true accusation, and sometimes it's hard to accept that you might actually be losing your mind, and then 'gaslighting' is not technically the right phrase is it? I don't know, just one anecdote...

[@latronqui]

Daharen I agree with you, it can be very complicated to discern who is gaslighting who sometimes. But I think from what you told here that breaking up actually was the right thing to do, I'm sure it hurt that she left you but isn't it better to be without someone who makes you think you're abusing her? :D I had an ex who had had a crush on a certain friend in common since before he met me. I could tell from the way he talked about her and I started getting more and more jealous. He thought I was crazy and too insecure and sometimes I thought so too. I don't think he was trying to gaslight me, I think he was in denial of his own feelings, because he didn't want to be alone, so he would convince himself he was in love with me, the girl that did like him back and not the other one. But when she started being interested in him, he quickly forgot about me. And still after being married and having a daughter with her, when it became clear that I was right, he kept denying it!! and I'm still not sure whether he believes his story or not. Anyway, it's always better to be single than in a relationship that makes you question your sanity, isn't it?

[@daniellebalouise9596]

+Daharen Actually, sounds like my experience with my mom. I always just lean into what she is saying and give her the benefit of the doubt, and like you, aggressively try to "correct" her in real time when things flare up. I've walked away from those fights so many times unsure if I am crazy or not or wrong in how I understand the world. I don't have supports for myself in place, such as friends, so there isn't an immediate way for me to check the reality, although I will send out questions that the fight crux on to people and see what their response is. I wonder if trying to confront people with their skewed or faulty perceptions of reality is "ok" or not - because I know they experience the same things I do. My ex told me that my mind developed survival mechanisms to keep me safe when I *was* in danger, and as i moved away from the danger that created the safety mechanism response, the mechanism stayed and grew barbarous and started to harm me instead of help me (as the triggering situation was no longer prevalent). I think it's like this for a lot of people, especially ones that do harm. It's a tough situation. I feel bad, because I KNOW my mom doesn't remember doing the things she says she never did, but I also know that I didn't do them, best I know. Once in awhile I will forget moving something if I'm busy doing something and do something small while focused on the important task (like moving a bottle while I'm dealing with changing a diaper - the task becomes complex because at least half the time I go to the changing station to do the diaper, the baby wipes are not there, because my mom will move the baby wipes either to the diaper bag or her bedroom or something else, and not put it back. Stupid me, always expecting the baby wipes to be where I left them when I know she can't keep things where they "go"). But once I see the thing again, or it's found and I'm told where it was found, the memory of me doing it will be triggered, and I'll know I had a brain fart. I honestly don't know if she remembers in her case the way I do once it's been found....But it's hard. I just have to accept that when things disappear, there's nothing I can do. Bringing it up starts arguments because she feels like I am gaslighting her and demeaning her. She really digs into the old paradigm of "children never correct their parents", even if they're grown adults in their 30s. After having been in a relationship that heavily gaslit me (to this day even, if given the chance), it's particularly potent. I need to go to therapy JUST so I can have someone check me and make sure I'm not crazy.

[@StJiub-lc4eb]

Not knowing either of you, it sounds like she may have realised you wouldn't be manipulated and left

[@807pranavghandade8]

Some people have the natural instinctual ability to discern what's going on, under any circumstances. They are immune to manipulation, pycho-socio paths have no effect on them. They can't manipulate others or do any psychologically, physiologically bad things to others ( what a person with certain severe mental disorder would do), but prevent themselves consciously or unconsciously from getting affected.

[@no_peace]

I know that some people can't remember and I think it's important to tease that out, but if you've ever had an argument with a gaslighter in a text format, and they accuse you of being abusive, if you say "show me where I said that," they'll often say "I'm not going to screenshot your dirty laundry" or whatever. Because they can't screenshot what you never said, and they'll even use a LACK OF EVIDENCE to try to make you look bad(!!!). Like you said, you can usually figure out what's going on if you have an objective record (and if they don't change their tune when texting or whatever). And it's ideal to make the distinction between intentional abuse and unintentional mistreatment, but it's probably a bad idea to stay involved with someone who mistreats you for either reason. I'd just make sure not to accuse people of intentional abuse when you think it might be unintentional. I think most cases are intentional gaslighting, often without awareness that it's gaslighting. Saying "It's all in your head" is gaslighting whether you realize you're using a manipulation tactic or not. It's a normalized part of our society, especially with respect to marginalized groups, particularly POC, women and disabled people. It's a cultural custom to dismiss people's concerns by saying things like "are you sure he touched your butt on purpose? That doesn't sound like him" or "everyone gets pulled over sometimes. Stop calling everyone racist just because they're white. THAT'S the real racism." It's not a fluke happening; it's pervasive and encouraged. Also, I know someone who doesn't remember bad things she did. She doesn't remember them BECAUSE they were bad. It doesn't fit with her view of herself as a good person so she's refused to accept that she did them. It isn't just that she's forgetful. So even "memory loss" is complex and can be related to psychological and relationship issues. "That doesn't sound like me. I wouldn't have done that." Well you did, so.

[@stephanielawrence5219]

It's amazing coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship and being able to see all the manipulations he was trying on me...Even now in our interactions he still tries them, trying to diagnose me as bipolar with no experience, calling me crazy, just all the controlling things.. but once you step away from that relationship...and can spot those manipulations, and not let them affect you (as much, mind you it still hurts) It's an empowering thing. I may be an actual anxious mess, but I'm not going crazy!!

[@chopsticksforlegs]

Wataame my ex husband did the exact same things to me too. I’m so glad he’s gone.

[@chopsticksforlegs]

Myosotis get out of it. U deserve better and he won't change.

[@thevoid8948]

I wish y'all had made this video back when I first started watching SciShow. This is what my mother did to me and I'm still recovering two years after getting out.

[@ChetzNation]

You forgot to mention the by far most common cases: 'soft' abuse by parents. No curse words are needed, no punches, nothing obvious. A gaslighting parent can easily destroy their children permanently anyway. It's often combined with using their kids as an 'identified patient', 'scapegoat' or 'black sheep', or, it could be in combination with the oidepal mother phenomenon and/or Munchhausen-BP issues (controlling the child and keeping them in a childlike state to care for them).

[@2degucitas]

Chetz Like the ladies in Grey Gardens

[@Takokujin07]

Chetz My mother does this. An absolutely toxic creature that I am still trying to escape from, and I am 24.

[@ChetzNation]

Exact same situation here. From what I've heard, the 'cure' is talking to people that have no contact with your mother and can validate your story. Just getting someone else to say you're not crazy is vital. I tried to do this as a minor but my mother would sneak in and manipulate anyone I talked to by selling her story behind my back. She didn't even stop at the psychiatrists she would seek out my friends and stuff because she wanted to know what I did 24/7 and wanted to "help" me by telling all my friends about every single issue I had. So move really far away and find someone you can talk to. Preferably not some Freudian nutjob that wants to break it down to penis envy and stuff like that though. Just someone that can say "yeah that makes sense" in third person because you can't trust your reality by yourself any more. Also, I think the modern age with videogames and lower demands have made the whole thing a lot worse. It's easier to escape inwards nowadays and wither away in front of a screen. Back in the day we did see some of these man-children being formed by maternal abuse, but way fewer since it was harder to lead a solitary and isolated lifestyle. But may I ask, your mother doesn't have a typically masculine husband right? It seems to be what triggers it a lot of the time. Either the father is absent, dismissive or he's very effeminate. And the mom flips out by making her child her sick baby/husband to give her a reason to exist. Pink Floyds "The wall" is about this a lot. Especially the song "Mother". Oh and of course this can be any parent towards any child, not just mother-son. Just that mother-son can add on a creepy layer of using the son as a replacement husband.

[@Bouitaz]

My mother gaslighted me from a very early age. I don't think she ever really lied per say, she just implied that my decisions and actions were wrong and screwed up. Like the patients at the dementia home she worked at. I could do nothing right at all. I'm now 33, renting an apartment at her house (which is an old 40-50's elder care facility). I have no confidence, no friends, no partner, no drivers licence, no higher education, and spend my free days in front of the computer or in books. Questioning myself has also led to memory problems relating to details. Even realizing this doesn't help. I also highly distrust everyone and everything. Especially psychology with their vague terms and soft, fluid facts.

[@kaicube5967]

finger guns my dad is like this but I'm only 16 so there's nothing I can do about it :')

[@linnmusic]

The most scary part is that this happens all the time and people don't notice it. But the worst thing is growing up with two parents who gaslight all the time.

[@letsgo9901]

There are people like this. When you hear this the first time DISMISS THEM.

[@voodoofairy]

A lot of people get gaslit as children, before they have the defenses necessary to avoid internalizing the abuse

[@mariebourgot4949]

@@voodoofairy Yeah, wich make them perfect prey for other predatory to recognise them and do the same and you can repeat this ad vitam eternam, with new people.

[@mixiekins]

Having a poor memory be all like gaslighting yourself.

[@GoddessError]

My best friend growing up gaslit me. I'm glad I cut her out of my life.

[@PT4918]

It wuznt me

[@mjallen1308]

alex rentz but we still haven't figured out who stole the cookies from the cookie jar...

[@minkvelour]

Pretty sure it was the cookie monster. :P

[@jesusparias2427]

lol

[@Seadalgo]

How could I forget that I had given her an extra key?

[@BBarNavi]

No, we caught you red handed creeping with the girl next door.

[@6Twisted]

Like my ex who would never admit to cheating, even now, despite all the evidence and she made me feel like I was just being paranoid. It's only after years apart that I see how obvious it was. Now I have trouble trusting anyone or committing to a relationship. #relationshipgoals

[@formertoddler196]

6Twisted Holy crap, you just reminded me of my ex & made me realize I've been a victim of gaslighting for quite a while... But on the bright side, my ex did apologize once & admitted to me that I wasn't being paranoid. I felt so damn relieved and I told myself that I'd trust myself more often Anyways, take care, man :) (And apologies if this doesn't make much sense. I'm writing this while I'm sleep deprived)

[@JID01]

Me too

[@walterhicks5520]

lol....yeah, it is a common trait among those who employ it (gaslighting). Cheating is RARELY the extent of their 'drama', it's just one of the symptoms and most easily recognized due to its often obvious occurrence. And, these people are often 'gaslighting' numerous people at the same time, not just in romantic relationships, but family and friends as well.

[@walterhicks5520]

It does happen in every other home,...and mostly by women against men (as far as personal relationships go), but it goes much deeper/further. Your government gaslights the populace ALL day everyday,...yeah,...it IS happening, all the time, everywhere. You're simply attempting to confine it to mere relationships of a romantic nature, and being defensive. Gaslighting is also media propaganda/lobbying of laws/science, it is NOT simply about driving them/someone/your spouse insane, it's about disorienting them and making them question reality for reasons of control/power/self gratification.

[@NarcSurvivor]

Just remember... not all of us are like this. Not all of us emotionally abuse, manipulate - gaslight others.

[@RiversBliss]

The song *Shaggy - It Wasn't Me* was about a gas-lighting theme.

[@sunnyterah2985]

And here I was hoping to learn something about gaslit posts or lamps. 😆

[@SuperExodian]

same, but then i realised it was scishow psych, thus not as interesting

[@Wendifur_]

You mean more interesting

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

When I was in high school chemistry (and physics) the lab still used those propane fueled bunsen burners... We used to prank each other (harmlessly) by flicking a lighter around the base of someone else's burner while they were trying to heat something on their station... The result (if you catch the flame right next to the little vent at the bottom) is that the burner goes out on top, but a big orange flame flickers and makes a racket (at least ours were noisy) around that vent area... If you don't understand the rules of compressed gas and fire, it's unnerving... For those of us who knew it was a harmless joke (including the teacher) it was hilarious! :o)

[@666Tomato666]

interesting fact about gas lighting: people used thorium meshes (gas mantles) to increase intensity of light produced by the flame

[@moviemaker1986]

Seems like sudden changes in a flame aren't harmless, the way you describe them. Also, your teacher sounds like a terrible role model, haha. When was this, where you could bring lighters into a school, and your teacher would laugh it off?

[@TheKasimkage]

My phone ran out of battery the second Hank said "It's all in your head" and I began to doubt if I had actually started watching this video. If I come back to listening to it tomorrow and it's disappeared from my "Listen" list and watch history, I'm going to be SERIOUSLY freaked out.

[@1dgram]

I really love that new KZbin feature where you can leave a comment even when your phone's battery died. It's like KZbin read my mind.

[@TheKasimkage]

1dgram I came back immediately after my phone charged up enough to turn back on to leave a comment.

[@owenw.1643]

its disgusting that this is a thing that people do

[@dianeaishamonday9125]

-Gaslit by my parents -Don't trust my own memory or perception to this day. 🖒 yeah

[@brianm6337]

Ain't it just fun? :( Let's see: Parents (and sister) Ex Boss And I hocked off someone powerful, because what's been going on has gone to ridiculous, extreme lengths. Never mind questioning reality- I think someone's been working it like old clay. And dear god, they have some resources. Or, that's how it appears.

[@ArikDrake]

Thank you. So much, just thank you. Thank you for talking about this. Thank you for explaining this. Thank you for putting this out there and packaging it in a way people who don't deal with it can hopefully understand. Thank you for putting this on KZbin and for free, where people experiencing it may finally find a word for their treatment and a sign of hope, that they are NOT "being dramatic" or "seeking attention", and that it is NOT their fault. For those who skip/seek such things, personal story below: I lived through this from my parents, step-parents, grandparents, significant others, and even some teachers, special education directors, Autism advocates, and medical professionals for 24 years THAT I CAN REMEMBER (first actually noticed one particularly egregious lie when I was four years old). I'm now 31, and still trying to get my mind back. Of all the abuse I lived through, all the Hell I somehow survived, this may be the one I spend the longest time fighting. Of all the types of chronic abuse, especially those performed on children and the disabled, I honestly believe this is the one most likely to live on without the abuser(s) directly present. This is the hardest to stop doing to yourself, because it can rob you of your own agency, make you think you deserve(d) it, make you think you cause(d) it, even ask(ed) for it; and when the aftermath of any abuse or disability comes up, when it's crippling you, when you need help, it can make you accuse yourself of faking it. If you got this far, and this has happened to you, please listen to me. YOU ARE NOT FAKING IT. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, AND IT IS OK TO NEED HELP. No, I don't know you. I do, however, know this monster that lives in your head. Yes, I said I'm still fighting. Guess what? I've started winning. You can, too.

[@stockyirish]

Hey, SciShow staff: I don't think Hank is the type of guy that will fire you if you tell him that his collar is sticking up.

[@SheltinkaBH]

tbh i didn't hear half of what he was saying because my mind was stuck on that damn collar

[@KittyLuvYou]

Boy, learn how to iron a shirt.

[@rogeronslow1498]

You really need to iron your clothes better. Particularly if you're a YT superstar.

[@no_peace]

It seems on brand

[@BettyAlexandriaPride]

@@no_peace Definitely on brand.

[@StCrimson667]

God, I've been gaslit so many times in my life, it really is one of the cruelest things people can do to you. One of the worse things you can do to a person is make them question their own reality, especially if that person is mentally ill. I know a lot of people will unintentionally gaslight mentally ill people to try and make them feel better, tell us we're just imagining it and that it's just in our heads, but the reality is that it makes it worse. It makes us wonder if it really is all in our heads, if we're actually just getting upset or stressed over nothing, and it makes us feel even worse about ourselves than we already do.

[@SpokaneGirl85]

My parents did that about my disability and when I would be picked on at school and singled out. They tried to convince me everything I was going through was normal and that happens to all kids and then they move onto the next kid. That never happened to me because they never moved on. But I was too smart to not believe them because I was hard to be gaslighted then. Anything I believed in I believed and no one could convince me. It was very hard to convince me and you would need proof to show me I am wrong. They also did it about my anxiety too.

[@StCrimson667]

+Bladey H. Queen Yes, I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm glad to hear that things have seemed to at least become better for you. At least there's that to be happy about. :)

[@ashleyashleym2969]

I mean why not, question everything!

[@SidV101]

Jacob Marion thanks for sharing, I'll try to keep this in mind when talking to the mentally ill in the future.

[@StCrimson667]

+SidV101 No problem! I'm happy to hear that my post had a positive effect. :D

[@Morelloxo]

I was gaslighted everyday by my ex, still questioning things six years later. Horrid form of abuse!

[@1nfern0MEH]

Bracer Jack "It's no big deal," "don't be so sensitive," "it's all in your head," literally the examples used in the beginning of the video, and they fit the tone of your comment perfectly. You can ask the question, but don't be so close-minded as to expect there to be only one answer. Aka, don't assume that she's wrong, or exaggerating, because she may be; however, she may not be. Aka, someone admitted to being a victim of gaslighting, and you totally gaslit them in response.

[@joannpelas5101]

Worse than physical abuse because with physical you are absolutely sure you are being abused. Mental abuse can cause a nervous breakdown. I have been through all forms and 15 years later and re-married the thought about it all still crosses my mind.

[@juliestevens6931]

My daughter's roommate was gaslighting her about so many things. My daughter would call me crying, telling me about whatever situation she was in, telling me what she had done and how her roommate responded, and asking me what did she do wrong. She tried and tried to fix things and her roommate told her, "don't be so sensitive", "it's not that important", "that's not what I said", etc. I told her to GET OUT. SHE had done nothing wrong. "When YOU have tried everything and nothing changes, YOU are not the problem". She finally listened but came home with a case of PTSD that she is still working thru (we also found out she was autistic). She is coping (thank you therapy), but I sure would love to give that roommate a kick in the pants.

[@shogun2215]

I'm still recovering from this. I suffered it for 20 years at the hands of my mother. I lost so much at her hands, my childhood, my grades, and almost my whole life. Understanding what happened is one thing, recovering from it is entirely another.

[@karenbooth9978]

I hope she put you 6 foot under.

[@eqlipse333]

I'd argue that politicians do this a wee bit too often.

[@hermanshankovitz2700]

Well I definitely know one who enables this type of abuse.

[@KyleClements]

One big problem I have with focusing on gaslighting is when people start to make false claims about gaslighting at every point to defend their own errors. Them: They said No I didn't, I said, Them: Now you're gaslighting me! Stop being abusive! Ugh...

[@evanplanas]

yep...i have noticed that a lot of people with real mental and emotional issues that need to get help use the concept of "you are gas lighting m" to basically double gaslight...help you if you ever date a borderline personality disorder.

[@Xplorer228]

I've experienced this. It gets really weird. The person mistakenly believes you did or said something wrong when you really didn't.. and then when you try to explain what you really said they claim you are gaslighting them.. and ironically end up gaslighting you. Another problem is that friends tend to be biased echochambers reflecting our sentiments, telling us what we want to hear because they should always be "on our side". And on top of that, if we are mad at our partner then we tend to exaggerate their role and downplay our own.. especially when explaining the situation to people you want to like you. I'm afraid its not nearly as simple as people are making it out to be.

[@SkyGodKazuha]

evanplanas if you they dont want to help themselves then just walk away from those people

[@gabriel2114]

I'm so glad you made this comment.

[@TheFairKnight]

Great comment. It's only gaslighting when the person is actually not wrong. if they are wrong or are being misleading, then calling them out is the moral thing to do, even if they cry out "gaslighting" as a subterfuge

[@zeromailss]

Just always bring your totem with you, when you get confused and started to question reality, spin your totem if it spin forever then you should try to wake up

[@ayeshak6822]

Hahahahaha great advice!

[@alexandrapelchar1663]

My ex gaslighted. And once I realized what he was doing I broke up with him and I am so happy I left when I did.

[@theuninspiredpoet]

Thank you for raising awareness about this issue!

[@NumeMoon]

I think the most common victims of gaslighting are children in the form of, "You just dreamed that," or "You must've imagined it."

[@celtgunn9775]

I've had a Doctor tell me that my pain is all in my head. Sure it is, that's why in one year, I've had 2 bone spurs in my hip socket removed, a torn labrum repaired and a 3 disc fusion in my back! 😆 I detest when the medical profession doesn't ⛔Listen⛔ to patients!

[@nobunuggets9088]

That is negligence. As a student nurse, when dealing with pain management, the first thing we are supposed to do is believe our patient. That doctor is horrible.

[@DwyaneWadeCounty]

How did they find out about the bone spurs and damage discs?

[@ErikJohnsonFMA]

we need SciShow Weather/Climate. hosted by the best weatherman ever.

[@cup_check_official]

Yanitgracia will do the job

[@R6186-k4f]

"Gaslight". Ty for this definition. Ppl been doing this to me for years. I had nooo way to explain this situation until now. Ty again.

[@mybraineatseverything7404]

Gaslight is one of my favorite films of all time. Ingrid Bergman is fantastic. And the final scene is priceless. On a serious note, my younger sister was gaslighted by her 2nd husband, who basically spent 6 years being the poster child for the perfect gaslighter. He was reeeeaaaalllly good at it, like scary good. Of course none of us knew, and my sis didn't even realize it herself until she kicked him out (for other reasons - he's just a slime). Suddenly, all the "weird" stuff that always seemed to happen, just disappeared. Imagine that.

[@maattthhhh]

so basically it's intentionally inducing cognitive dissonance towards others.

[@marveltard]

basically

[@Sandsack2311]

not necessarily intentionally as far as I understood

[@Yal_Rathol]

well, not necessarily cognitive dissonance. because cognitive dissonance is when you believe two or more contradictory things at once and the strain of accepting both of them hurts you. this is closer to sleight of hand, where you make the target doubt reality enough to direct their thoughts in the direction you want. card tricks work the same way, get the audience to look where you want, then do the trick when they're not looking at your hand.

[@cluckeryduckery261]

Yal Rathol I can see how you could attribute some of the harm to cognitive dissonance. If a person witnessed unfavorable behavior, but then somehow allowed themselves to believe the offender when they say they didn't do the behavior... I can see cognitive dissonance being a result of that, especially over long time periods.

[@Yal_Rathol]

Cluckery Duckery sometimes? after enough time? maybe. but not always, which is why i said "not necessarily".

[@curtistinemiller1560]

I dislike people who do this gaslighting is DISRESPECTFUL and abusive.

[@mousetrap773]

Curtistine Miller my abusive parents convinced my therapist that I was the abusive one, by telling her that I did all the things they do. “She screams and bitches for days on end!” “She’s never happy, and I don’t know what to do to make her happy!” “She exaggerates everything! You can never trust anything she says.” And it worked. I had to find a new therapist because my therapist didn’t trust me anymore, and everything I said was met with “okay but tell me what REALLY happened. What did YOU DO to deserve it?” She kept asking me if I liked her or not, and if I disagreed with something she said, she threw her hands up and says “oh so I guess you don’t like me anymore because I told you the truth!” This seemed like really odd behavior to me. I don’t think whether or not I like her should have anything to do with me being her patient. And being constantly told I was lying started to make me doubt myself and was definitely not helping my anxiety.

[@mariebourgot4949]

@@mousetrap773 Well, your therapist was abusive too.

[@lovelydd1305]

Basically just ... big huge LIARS!!!

[@ankyfire]

Regular liars aren’t nearly as bad.

[@setoman1]

Indeed, a useful tool! I've used this to turn my career around. Still hard to believe how easy it was and how well it worked.

[@antiawarenessawarenessclub]

Unintentional gaslighting deserves its own episode

[@adamcarrell]

"I'm not gaslighting you! You're gaslighting me!" said everyone on the internet.

[@Puppy52]

I'm really distracted by the collar lol

[@Puppy52]

rayancoelho123 good topic tho haha! 😁

[@itsmrhunter]

his collar stay poppin'

[@jefferyjohnson5130]

The collar..? I didn't even notice over the haircut..

[@TyTang24]

I noticed both and they were driving me crazy. I just don't get it.

[@falconJB]

What are you talking about his collar is perfectly straight.

[@state_song_xprt]

I'm impressed that you made it through this entire video without mention any... ahem... prominent contemporary "politicians".

[@o76923]

It's a tough thing to balance. It was chosen as the word of the year specifically because of Trump's use of it and how popular media like Teen Vogue (and no, I have no idea when they started doing serious political commentary that's surprisingly good) wrote articles covering it in the context of Trump. So not bringing him up is glancing over a relevant bit of context. On the other hand, it's an important topic to discuss with as many people as possible. There are both abusers and victims out there who would benefit from this video. Some of them would dismiss it entirely if it criticized glorious leader. So what's more important, accurately reporting relevant facts or preventing domestic abuse? Not an easy question to answer.

[@brianm6337]

You mean Obama? *Gets smacked* :D I couldn't resist being a smart alec. I know exactly who you mean. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of steel toed boots by inserting them up that pale orange butt.

[@kaamn1829]

One of the most confusing aspects of being gaslit is how certain you can be before, how inexorable your evidence, and how you can _know_ you're being gaslit but still can't do anything about it. One way it's often approached is through a sort of calm/detached "compassion" where they talk to you like you're irrational and likely to go out of control, which can make you feel like even if you're right, you're being dangerous and cruel and need to lay off. Another is them getting insanely angry, cussing you out, yelling, getting in your face, all that jazz until you're just so tired you back off. And all through that, they'll bring up things that even when you know they're untrue, will make you _just_ uncertain enough to not want to bring it up again. You can know you're being gaslit, and it still does nothing. It does make it easier to just consult other people though, which really is the best solution, and have them clear things up for you from the outside.

[@joyofliving9751]

So satisfying is this in-depth dense analysis in a short 5 minutes! Thank you!!

[@thedoctor5573]

I don't know Hank this gaslighting thing is probably just all in your head

[@sorenkair]

Well you're a doctor so you're probably right.

[@seignee]

Sorenkair What doctor? There's no doctor... It's all just in your head

[@itshowlsy3055]

A Google User Maybe so but until then... It's pretty funny.

[@criskity]

That brain tumor is just all in your head.

[@wadeguidry6675]

Yeah, you should use propane and propane accessories.

[@antonioshaw9991]

GOD! HANK, please iron that collar!!

[@helenhart4368]

Antonio R. S. What? His collar is straight. Your mind is playing tricks on you.

[@aliciascat9433]

If that’s the only thing u were thinking of during that video.... you don’t have enough important problems in your life. I didn’t even notice it.

[@brianm6337]

An entire video, and this putz is pointing out the man's laundry. Dear god.

[@aliciascat9433]

Brian M IKR

[@bri4210]

"I didn't steal $20 out of your purse. YOU better remember where you spent it."

[@dantheman40434]

My currently estranged wife did this to me and my parents always took the "I'm not getting involved in this" route. She would always claim that she said something that she didn't and I was just a terrible listener. It made me think that I was a dumb inconsiderate person. It wasn't until she left me and our son and was gone for a few weeks that I remembered just how smart and how good of a listener I truly am. Heck, I wasn't voted "most intelligent" in my senior high school mock elections for being a dummy and NOT listening in class! I didn't receive multiple awards in Mock Trial by NOT being able to communicate with my teammates in intelligent conversations! I am smart! I do listen! I have the accolades to prove it! I haven't had any communication issues with my parents, brother, friends, or anyone else. Yet for over four years she had me convinced otherwise! And there were many more things she would gaslight about. But after she was gone for about 3 weeks I started to realize just how wrong she was about everything! My house is now clean! I'm a better dad to our son (whom she left with me) and he's behaving better because of it! I have confidence in my decisions again! If someone asks you a question about their marriage, don't take the "I'm not getting involved" route! They're probably trying to check their sanity! Help them, please don't let them be victims of mental abuse like I was.

[@franciscodetonne4797]

Nothing is worse than a person trying to make you question your own sanity and reality...

[@TheMrGoncharov]

Thank you for this video! Very useful. So many times I've encountered it and was very vulnerable. Understanding this phenomenon makes you immune.

[@soapibubblesthestrange9972]

Oleksandr Honcharov trust me, it doesn’t.

[@darkkitty1418]

This episode is a very helpful one, thank you scishow crew for sharing this, keep up the good work 🤘

[@WildFyreful]

My mother tried to gaslight me all the way back in elementary and middle school, trying to convince me that the guys verbally abusing me (and at one point physically) "liked me" and just "didn't know how else to express themselves." Luckily, I never started questioning reality because of it. I just got mad at her and told her off in no uncertain terms that if a guy likes me, he woudn't treat me like utter trash, even without knowing the exact term for what she was doing to me. I still don't think she really gets it though. :/

[@tychoMX]

New entry to an old reply... since some people actually believe that crap ("they abuse you because they like you") - would it be gaslighting if your mother actually believed it as opposed to trying to deceive you?

[@carriered4715]

@@tychoMX I agree, Sometimes Schoolboys who want to get your attention, would do Anything, good or maybe Not so good, just to get you to Notice them, as Stupid as that is.

[@YurinanAcquiline]

@@carriered4715 Exactly, school boys suck.

[@LastGirl13]

Holy moly this happened to me for YEARS at my former workplace. It makes so much sense now, I thought I was losing it!!

[@kerryb1234]

This is really interesting as it happened to me by my previous employer. It was the most awful year of my life it got to the point where I physically couldn’t leave my unit, my depression had kicked in full gear and became severely suicidal. But I’m glad it isn’t just something that happened but is an actual thing, but it really does make you lose touch of reality. Thankfully that was over 18 months ago and I’ve been slowly picking back the pieces of my life, its still hard but with new support circles and friendships, focusing on uni again its been a slow but incredible journey. Thanks for the video, really appreciate it!

[@unclejoeoakland]

Anyone ever tell you: "you just always think you're right!" Or how about "Of course, I'm always wrong, I have to be! Just blame me for everything!" Are those gaslighting? I feel like they are...

[@izzyxblades]

There's enough related research in social psychology, the ones about conforming to your group, accepting feedback from loved ones, how people form their world views and identity--gaslighting is related to all that

[@danriddick914]

So does gaslighting always entail a lie (or white lie) then? When I truly think another person IS blowing some situation way out of proportion, would I still be gaslighting by expressing my viewpoint (of a possibly different level of sanity), or is an 'intent to abuse' part of the definition? I'm trying to wrap my mind around this.

[@Rithene]

Gaslighting becomes a problem when it's a pattern, and when it's used to control another person. There's nothing abusive with saying "This is not that big a deal!" in an argument, though I'd avoid saying, "You're crazy!" (still not abusive, but yes, technically gaslighting). It IS abuse when you repeatedly deny inconvenient realities and make the other person question their own perceptions and experiences. Important to note, though: "intent to abuse" has absolutely nothing to do with it. Many emotional abusers would never think of themselves in that way. Oftentimes, they're insecure and are just looking to establish control, like the example Hank used of cheaters worrying that they're going to lose their relationship. They aren't thinking in terms of psychological damage to the other person; they're only thinking of themselves.

[@NumeMoon]

I think most "gaslighters" are generally shocked to find out what they're doing. It's usually so much a part of how they communicate that it takes a while to convince them of what they're doing. I'm not sure that they do it consciously, it's more like a bad habit. To have someone gaslight you can be confusing. You lose confidence in your own memories, you stop trusting your senses. It can be very damaging over time.

[@phishfullofasha]

cigol This question really made me think! Abusers don't have much sympathy for their victims so from their perspective every reaction is an overreaction. But an abuser is also likely to deliberately overreact in order to make their victim more attentive.

[@GamingRaven1]

I agree with the majority of this, though in my personal experience gaslighting relating to interfamiliar relationships is almost always on purpose. Again, that's just my experience as both my mother, father, brother and most all of my immediate family are major gaslighters

[@maxsalmon4980]

A good rule of thumb is that: 1) If you find yourself trying to convince someone that something you know is true is not, you're probably gaslighting. 2) If you're discussing the truth as you see it, but steadfastly refuse to acknowledge the opposing viewpoint (which is not to say AGREEING, but at least making an attempt to empathize and understand), you might be gaslighting. Like Hank notes, there's not a lot of firm lines to be drawn here. Like criticism and horseplay, some of what makes it acceptable or unacceptable is contextual, and reliant on how the other people in the interaction are reacting. It's tricky sometimes, because people sometimes engage in gaslighting without being aware that that's what it is. Most gaslighting isn't the result of Machiavellian scheming. It's just another tool to get what we want out of people, that can become normalized over time. That's part of the problem with it. Just be sensitive to how others are taking things, and adjust your interactions accordingly, and that will help a lot.

[@Rev_GC]

I'm glad to see how accurate this piece is. Good to see you stepping up the quality.

[@matthewkopp2391]

My father did this constantly. As an adult it became a neurosis. Any time someone behaved like this I would second guess myself building up unbearable anxiety as I obsessively tried to confirm what was real or not real. But this growing awareness has helped me realize that the entire US population is constantly gaslighted by media advertising and politicians. So the entire population is building up these anxieties. Gaslighting is now a cultural norm.

[@randomtinypotatocried]

You mean my childhood.

[@thegirthquake8574]

Kael M As is my current fatherly situation

[@BitterTast3]

Wouldn't skepticism be a barrier against gaslighting though? Like, don't believe anything, or at least take everything with a grain of salt, and when you DO make a decision, be aware of the assumptions behind it. My parents used this tactic on me as a kid, and it was painful, but when I began to take responsibility over the fact that it was I who was believing them, I forgave myself and stopped abdicating the power over my emotions to them.

[@terryh.9238]

too much skepticism to the point where gaslighting makes you be a skeptic of YOURSELF rather than OTHERS, can just make the gaslighting more potent. atleast, that's what it did to me.

[@Xplorer228]

Terry H. But that's just self skepticism. You have to exercise skepticism that is balanced on both ends!

[@brianm6337]

I have had my skepticism messed with. With whatever the hell I've gotten myself trapped in, all of my skepticism, including my thoughts on the paranormal have been perverted massively. And I'm not talking about a couple of hacks with a bedsheet on a wire, either. What I have experienced is simply nuts. Took my skepticism and has dented it massively. My worry is what is needed to pull off the paranormal stuff.

[@GingerCaddy]

Question everything and constantly have close friends and family members to ask "am I crazy?" The answer is yes, everyone is crazy, but getting second\third\fourth opinions help make sense of everything.

[@kylemiller2414]

I guess that’s why they call it “psyching” someone out. Nice video. One of my favorite words but least favorite things.

[@Babsza]

It's a sign of total selfishness and disrespect for another person's thoughts and feelings .

[@TAK-yj4hj]

Ah gaslighting, such an integral part of my childhood. Thanks mom.

[@benthomason3307]

Schizophrenics must be very susceptible to this. which now that I think about it probably makes things worse.

[@WolfgangDoW]

Schizophrenics struggle with reality checking already Very easy to plant and reinforce delusions too

[@juiceecads3894]

research shows that people who have experienced gaslighting are at higher risk of developing psychosis, and in some cases being gaslit can even trigger a psychotic episode so... besides, it's not hard to see how a spouse/parent gaslighting you about looking through your belongings can lead to you having delusions that you are being tracked, even after you get out of that situation- stuff like that

[@benthomason3307]

@@juiceecads3894 So it's less that psychotics are more susceptible to gaslighting and more that victims of gaslighting are more susceptible to developing psychosis?

[@juiceecads3894]

@@benthomason3307 oh no, it's both. it's a vicious cycle

[@benthomason3307]

@@juiceecads3894 a feedback loop

[@Gatzlocke]

People don't understand why gaslighting happens? Or why it does damage? Isn't it kind of obvious? You gain advantage over another. It's the reason people do a lot of things. If I can make you think you're crazy, or make your mind lose grip on it's own perceptions, I gain an advantage over you. In a competition, I'll have an easier time beating you. It's like in any competitive sport (or job), if an opponent can make me lose confidence, or even make me angry (loss of concentration) that can lose me the game. Sadly, we don't live in a post-scarcity world. People will still cut you for bread.

[@kylemiller2414]

Gatzlocke Yep that’s why they call it “psyching” someone out.

[@brianm6337]

Sadly, we don't live in a post-scarcity world. People will still cut you for bread. No... people will cut you to watch you bleed. The bread is just a bonus.

[@naraposthumus8478]

Omg 😪

[@fredworthmn]

I'm an old geezer now. Growing up I was constantly manipulated and lied to and when I protested, and sometimes even before I protested, they would go into "it's your fault, you made me do it" and other such nonsense. I did not know this back then. It was the gaslighting though that caused the damage because I was so gullible that I believed them. I would have been like one commenter below who said his relatives all believed the parents if Mother Dearest hadn't gone into a rage attack on her parents and siblings while I was in Vietnam in 1970. She had popped the illusion she had worked so hard at creating. Of course I did not know any of this until well into my adult years. Today I am paranoid of all people. I am forced to assume that everyone is lying to me and/or trying to manipulate me in some way. This is for my own protection. I believed the gaslighting so much, that it was all my fault, that I have never been able to discern truth from lies, even as old as I am. Nice presentation as always.

[@lumpyfishgravy]

"It's all in your head" is something I was forced to say regularly when I was married to a narcissist. She would imagine bad motives of me (a lot of it was projection), give herself narcissistic injuries, then blame me, when I was only trying to help. She would not talk constructively, just confrontationally. She abused me with hate speech over my (and my son's) Asperger's. She would provoke me to rachet up my frustration until I exploded in anger or tears. 15 years of that gave me PTSD I am still not over 12 years later. When she ended the marriage in such a destructive way that I had to reconcile her to her own parents, *I thought I was somehow to blame.* So did she gaslight me? Yes, but not with simple words. The thing with narcissists is, they really believe they are superior. They don't have to lie to put everyone around them down.

[@RoccosVideos]

My ex should win the gas lighting award of the decade.

[@pollytheparrot46]

It was just a prank, bro!

[@xFirebird925x]

Channel 46 this comment deserves more likes.

[@HeavyRayne]

I've always wondered what this word really meant. Also 1:51 is almost meme worthy.

[@everybodyyogastudio212]

My evil ex was manipylaying and gaslighting me for years. Trying to separate me from everyone in my life foe years. So just learning this word alone was beyond validating!!! 😢hankk you scj❤

[@DwyaneWadeCounty]

You LEND your friend something of yours. When you ask for it to be return, your "friend" says, "you said I could keep it, yeah that's what you said."

[@gearlooze]

Gaslighting, isn't that the primary method of communication on Facebook?

[@naraposthumus8478]

FB is eerie to say the least.

[@AtifontheBeat]

There are 4 lights...

[@chinookvalley]

A Henderson ...and they all walk into a bar. The first light says to the bartender...

[@Elbaz8]

A Henderson That episode scarred me for life.

[@DonCDXX]

"All I had to do was to say that I could see five lights when, in fact, there were only four." "But more than that, I believed that I could see five light." WWJD What would Jean-Luc do?

[@brianm6337]

@@DonCDXX I dunno what Picard would have done, but I'd have figured out where that SOB lived, grabbed Worf and Data, and then proceeded to wallop him in the face until HE saw stars, and not just lights. Then again... I'm a grouchy type.

[@doubleirishdutchsandwich4740]

@Dalton Fitzgerald What is 'on point reference is on point' a reference to? This is driving me insane because I had a coworker always say things of the form "the x is x".

[@JonesNoahT]

A halmark of gaslighting is that it is done intentionally. Repeatedly asserting one's worldview, though possibly annoying and hurtful in its own right, is not "gaslighting."

[@psycomaticpenguin]

Basically, the most advanced "no u" known to mankind

[@nallorlives]

Even if it's unintentional, a pattern of behavior that is emotionally damaging to another person is still abuse. The hallmark is it being a repeated pattern. Everyone can be a jerk and say something hurtful or be manipulative, but these things become abusive when they keep happening. And I know from experience that they can happen unintentionally (I am a victim of unintentional gaslighting). A lot of times people who have been abused or been through trauma have so many insecurities that they inadvertently resort to behaviors that are abusive to others. So, no, repeating a worldview isn't abusive, but if someone in authority over others has fallen into a pattern of bullying the others into silence because their insecurities won't let them handle any kind of challenge, yeah that's abuse. And people can do this without realizing they're being abusive.

[@mariebourgot4949]

As Ruth Campbell said, no, it doesn't need to be intentional and even conscious to do just like the video described.

[@lorenrenee1]

My father would literally torture us and then gaslight me my siblings believed the gaslight for decades I was isolated. Thank you for bringing attention to this.

[@eromod]

To me, gaslighting is communications such as the timing of "casual actions" and attributing extra information to number, patterns, and colors in the background of videos. Or taking advantage of another persons trust by giving them purposely false information like: bringing up climate change and something you did that the speaker didnt like, then going outside and seeing severe weather. The speaker just looked up the weather forecast and didnt mention it directly. But indirectly via "climatechange".

[@guppy8073]

Oh god, this is exactly what is happening to me. I remember being emotionally abused by my sister since we were young, but it ended about two years ago and we're okay now, but she's never apologized and when I confronted her about this thing that I've been hurt about forever she told me it was "nothing." Now I don't know if she was even that mean to me or if I was just being overdramatic, or if I deserved it, or if it's completely normal for siblings to fight like we did. I don't know if it's really something I should be this hung up on so many years later, if I only identified it as abuse because as I grew I was in a community of victims on the internet and subconsciously wanted to feel accepted, I mean I never used to see it as abuse, just her being excessively mean and selfish, but what separates that anyway? And why did none of the responsible adults in my family step in? Why did I never say anything? I don't think I can ever fully love her if she never understands and apologizes, but I honestly don't know if she should apologize in the first place.

[@lokeshchandak3660]

I told my parents that they have been gaslighting me for the last 22 years. They said,"It's all in your head; and you are just 17!" See! That's what they do to me.

[@lokeshchandak3660]

Anticonny They laughed, and I did too. Don't worry, it was a joke.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

That's good... I was wondering who could be THAT bad at math. :o)

[@sakurahatano8392]

Lokesh Chandak hahaha same here

[@tom7083]

A nice kafka trap. Have to say though, there is a risk of abusing this term to such a degree.

[@lokeshchandak3660]

Thomas K. Thomas Yes, that's true. On the internet, the world is virtual, but the risks are real.

[@ruffey1748]

1:50 made me burst out laughing 😂😂

[@macnutz4206]

Any attempt to discus ways to improve the life of a person who is suffering the unhappy consequences of their actions, will be deemed as gaslighting. Try discussing anything with a narcissist . Anything they do not want to hear is called gas lighting and that ends any possibility of real dialogue. Gas lighting is a real thing and can be very damaging, but I have noticed, that any discussion about emotional problems that a person needs help with, will often bring up the accusation of gas lighting, and effectively end all communication. It just becomes another buzz word used to avoid any sense of responsibility for an unhappy existence. Gaslighting is real and very damaging, I grew up with it. That does not alter the fact that it is also become a meme used to avoid uncomfortable subjects.

[@Bffyukncxe]

As somebody who's been gaslighted, you're kept in a constant state of confusion. You loose confidence in yourself entirely. My reality changed from that of a person who had friends and made friends easily to socially anxious and crippled individual unable to make human connections. I slowly became convince I was not who I was to anybody, including myself. I was able to organize thoughts. I couldn't communicate very well and I became fearful of others. Worst of all, it felt like I was living in a world that hated me. My abuser was the only person who cared and I knew he was lying to me. I knew what he was doing was wrong. I fought back for 16 years. Fighting causes more damage. Knowing you're right but never winning causes you to feel wrong all the time. When you feel something is true, you believe it even if you know it's not true. I my emotions were gaslighted. Anytime I became angry I was told I was overreacting and unreasonable regardless of what he'd done. I became fearful of feeling angry and unable to state what he'd done because it made me angry and then fearful. I would just break down into tears not knowing what to say. People couldn't make sense of me. I couldn't make sense of me. Nobody believed me. It's horrible. If it's happening regularly to you, run the other way. It will take your soul.

[@onyxj7148]

My father does this to me and has for years since I was young. Countless times I've heard "you're too sensitive" and "stop crying". As much as I don't want to blame my mental illness on somebody else I'm convinced he's the reason I still have horrible clinical depression and anxiety. He's hurt me so bad.