Secrets to Healthy Relationships | Esther Perel | The Knowledge Project #71

World-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel teaches us the art and science of meaningful connection.
Our relationships have the power to make our lives better or worse, yet few of us have been taught the skills and behaviors that build deeper, more meaningful, connections.
We discuss specific methods to deepen your connection with your partner, the tools to "fight fair," reignite romance, and rewrite the narratives that sabotage our relationships.
Topics:
00:00 - Intro
09:18 - Coming back to life after the war
14:49 - The myth of stability
18:10 - The power of reflections
26:28 - Important conversations for early relationships
31:00 - Can values change in relationships?
34:00 - Being secure in a relationship
37:20 - Better conversations with your partner
39:40 - What's behind every criticism
43:32 - Too much honesty
46:17 - What happens if I don't love my partner
53:52 - Why does good sex fade in relationships?
57:39 - Love vs. desire
01:02:18 - How to have difficult conversations with your partner
01:11:53 - Conscious uncoupling
Listen on:
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/episode/5C96...
Transcript: fs.blog/knowledge-project-pod...
Follow:
Twitter: / shaneaparrish
Instagram: / farnamstreet
Linked In: / shane-parrish-050a2183
Newsletter:
Every week, I'll send you insights you can use to position yourself for success and gain an advantage.
Sign up for free at fs.blog/newsletter/

[@tkppodcast]

Whether you're facing love challenges or just want to reconnect with your partner this episode offers the skills and behaviors to repair and build deeper more meaningful connections. Share your favorite part of the convo below 👇. If you enjoyed this episode, HIT that like button on the video! It helps us a lot 🙏

[@NitikaRawat]

Major Takeaway: "Behind every criticism is a wish!" Whoa! that blew me away.

[@natashas.1566]

We all know that Esther is brilliant. But, can we stop for a moment and recognize how amazing this interviewer is? He asked very throughtful questions, which were both well prepared but also followed upon what Esther said right before being asked the question. He did not simply staged the questions to follow his prepared agenda. He was not affraid to be told that he had understood the issue differently than she sees it. He genuinely wanted to hear her opinion and learn from her, no matter if the answer starts with 'No, it is not that', or with 'Yes, you are right.' I think that this was my 4th or 5th time listening to this interview, and I come back to it at least twice a year. Thank you both!

[@natashas.1566]

@Fraina Yoela Torres Garcia Thank you. :)

[@latinaalma1947]

I totally agree...interviewers can help a person unfold the deeper meaning of their perspective as this interviewer does or they can be very scripted and closed to the answers....not engaged in her response so that a conversation drifts from one of Esthers main themes to the next....those are all great but we have heard them if we are fans. 1) This time in relationship history is very new and different than historical relationships which were about family and an economic unit...women could not survive well economically outside marriage before this era of history so they had little choice but to stay. 2. Stability was for marriage, passion was found, if ever, in outside relationships...more commonly for the man than the woman due to men needing to be as certain as possible that the sons they were raising were not some other mans...primogeniture ie the eldest son inheriting EVERYTHING and carrying on titles as kings, lords, leaders made this politically amd emotionally imperative. 3. You mated for life and that was it. 4. There are only two strategies in life,as Esther learned from holocaust survivors, merely survive, eg trauma, or thrive in life with gusto. Thanks to this interviewer with a gorgeous speaking voice...timber, pace, etc she was able to get more into.how she puts her philosphy to work in couples therapy. Some of her described techniques are used by others ...some seem to be unique to her. Some very creative insights she has based more on her philosophical views on life and relationships than on the science. THIS is not what is taught in graduate programs and is qualitative rather than quantitative...she is a unique and special person...I am more the science type of therapist because I was trained in the diagnosis and treatment of more severe disorders ie clinical psychology...Esther is terrific, I admire her perspective and insights very much...she is almost a therapeutic song writer or creative writer helping her clients write NEW music and stories. KUDOS to her for her unique and personal style. Sybil Francis PhD psychologist

[@natashas.1566]

@@latinaalma1947 Thank you for this wonderful observation. It is spot on. I fully agree. A fellow PhD titled (social sciences). Xx

[@fabianhaglund5792]

Shane is amazing as an interviewer for a whole wide range of topics. I am so happy he invited Esther so smart and eloquent

[@lewisballjr5666]

Your correct!

[@thebeautylab9968]

Everytime I listen to her, I grow a little more

[@BFR1974]

Great questions and great answers by a wonderful lady. Thank you.

[@juliettailor1616]

Great interviewer, excellent questions.

[@mirembefamily5760]

Thank God for technology! How could we have been able to share a soul like Esther's as easily as we can do! Esther, in you I found a gem especially in the area of relationships.

[@jaykaye562]

Esther is amzing, but this is honestly the best Esther interview I have listened to... great questions.. thanks for bringing this to us

[@gulnarzeyn3035]

I just love this Woman 🍀

[@lphyllis177]

One of the best interviews. So great

[@pauloperre3270]

Thank you Esther. Thank you Shane. Today i grew a litle bit more. I understand better who i am and where i am going (or should going). It is always day one.

[@joanturri5500]

@42:00 being vulnerable takes courage and risks rejection.

[@viniciomattos]

Watching this video created a problem for me , now I’m in love with Esther 😃

[@tanyaostrovsky8896]

What a smart interviewer! Esther is brilliant as always

[@valerieinnyc4719]

Love this interview so much. Wish I could find a lover and partner who embraces all these messages and advices: rituals, listen, keep relating as a lovers, check up on each other, do new things together... invest in the relationship basically... I’ll keep hopeful :)

[@fidelcollazo4262]

What a interesting interview 👏 👌 wish I learn this years ago

[@charlesbowers3420]

Literally watching this after a break up where the other person cheated. If I had heard this woman’s interviews 3 or 6 months ago we might have made it 😢 Great information to reflect on and it honestly is helping me to move forward

[@ecitb3005]

Great interview

[@evrildindial8841]

Esther you are the friend I never had but now I do. I love listening to you. Your wisdom is so profound and has helped me tremendously.

[@JuanVargas-jb2yt]

I love this video. Thank you and God bless you for the kind words.

[@chloemarlon39]

wow thank you for your tips and tricks . by far the best video on this topic i guess. i've watched thousands of these videos and also read comments below the video and some ppl are recommending a natural enhancer spanish fly . actually i bought it and great results i have tosay

[@heatherhail6975]

yes, awesome tricks here, i've also watched hundreds of such videos on YT but i have never heard of these drops. actually i already ordered some for christmas today in the big sales

[@yangr9520]

What a great interview! Thank you so much!

[@linaaboudheir3878]

Indeed an Amaazing interview , an amazing experienced therapist ,his thoughtful open questions were a key point for her well expressed responses 👌👌👍👍

[@dericflairmultiverse4952]

AMAZING CONVO!!!

[@stephaniedingman5927]

I am 75. It's never too late to learn and grow. Looking back on family, upbringing, career, education, marriages, divorce, single parenting, raising two successful adults, living alone, surviving abuse, surviving cancer, starting over, and seeing all of the world events and changes I have lived through, Esther has covered the major issues of my entire life and given me hope for the next 25 years. I cannot go back, but I can go forward. With this information I can become the person and partner I have always thought I might be. Thank you Esther!

[@PrincessSharifa434]

How did she give a mic drop moment w/in 5 seconds of the episode opening?! YASSS!

[@DrTLKillens]

And she did!!

[@lewisballjr5666]

True!

[@donnabird4614]

Loved this - there are no words

[@khalilacoco4799]

A divorce is a reorganization of the family. This is profound! Take time heal and come back to having healthy communication with a goal of fostering an intentional community for the sake of the children and loved ones, the end of a marriage should not be the end of the family!

[@juliettailor1616]

Except that it isn't. It's a disruption of the family and if the children are 10 or under they feel abandoned. That is an easy thing to say, but divorce places a financial bourdon on the father and overwhelms the mother. Many women will turn their children against the father. Divorced men commit suicide at a higher rate than single or married men. Many become homeless. Children are more likely to be abused in a one parent home. Esther's parents did not divorce, nor did she herself so advocating it for others, particularly as a couples therapist, is strange, to say the least.

[@katarzynalindner594]

"Matting together is about aliveness"🎀

[@cherylconley487]

This was an awakening and validation for what I've done in my own relationships. Maybe in the future I can go forward healthier now. Thank you!

[@mariamkinen8036]

A time n a place away with mental space. A strike of luck yes...... no matter how much I wanted to solve my situation,immobility forces oneself to live inside one's head more than the outside. I'd love to walk as I used to. Thanks.

[@cbrashaun]

This interview is a hidden gem❤🎤

[@home2roots]

Esther is just amazing! Loved this interview👌

[@sharonjoan9997]

This talk is so enlightening. Ways of being we can’t articulate-Esther brings it. Imagine 2 people in a partnership listening to this and sharing a determination to do well in relationship despite our childhoods. Very valuable interview. ☑️

[@ramirenriquez6795]

Listening to Esther is like getting tough love. She will debug your belief - which is our identity - but if you're really open for learning, you will see her point, and then you consider it. Passion and stability are fictions for her - This made me uncomfortable because it's what I want and not yet ready to let go off too. Are they not realistic? Do couples inevitably fall apart? The couples that grow old together, what is their existence then? Is it so rare to the point we can't give it some credit anymore? Lack of self-worth as the reason for not wishing or asking to avoid rejection. This goes back to 'we accept the love we think we deserve'. If you feel you're not worthy, you'll accept less, and vice versa. I hope that as we learn as adults, more people will be direct and more expressive. Do our best to be self-aware, expect nothing but still give what we genuinely want or can. After all, we all need each other to make life meaningful. Thank you to the Knowledge Project channel and Esther.

[@smurfiennes]

Why do some people believe in therapy and some don’t? Meanwhile they can discuss, debate and receive/give advices from/to others?

[@user-lm4yp4cq4t]

57 .48

[@liliana7642]

Adds interrupting every 5 seconds - unbearable!

[@DebbyPage]

Liliana agree!!!!

[@floricelepecampiiii90]

Why not use an Adblocker? It's a lifesaver when you navigate around youtube and you can download them for free

[@user-cx6lk2rg9b]

Scroll down whole timeline and start again next time around no ads...

[@karenmontgomery5274]

W

[@mariamkinen8036]

Cultivating desire on whom? Gimme me more credit, pls..... no FI! I know how to with the lack of the right object . Makes me feel so sad.

[@sarangagarwal9457]

gold.

[@RamSadeh]

Absolutely Not "happening again"... When making parallels between your parents same as todays "misplaced refugees". A Totally different terrain!

[@riruahm2960]

Not really!

[@TheOriginalNiceGuy]

I’ve seen many of her videos. Initially I enjoyed some of her insights. However, it’s become clear from some of her comments, in fact the foundation of her approach, that she’s biased towards women, at the expense of men and their needs.

[@TheOriginalNiceGuy]

Very disappointed.

[@IamBrob]

Are you kidding me? She isn't biased at all. If you actually listened to her while she's with 20+ different couples, an hour per couple--you would see that you haven't seen her in that setting enough. Her whole take is literally a nuanced conversation about what roles people play in relationships. Doesn't matter if they're gay, if they're trans, if the woman is the earner, if the man is the earner, kids, no kids, trying to have kids, etc. Her work is so individualized and tailored to each person that you literally can't factually make it generalization like that.

[@amswestyorkshire8048]

I think if you not open your mind and not yet ready to learn it's hard to understand her point of view. She is one of the most brilliant and insightful of people. She don't blame but teaching to understand behaviour.

[@peeps9395]

39:40