Self Love: My Key to Not Being Blinded By Hurt and Constant Criticism

[@OND0]

shan do something on age gaps pleaseeee

[@Diary_of_acongolesewoman]

Yes

[@ximenalara2180]

Plz!!!

[@akhonatsotsi]

Please!

[@Lifeisfun84]

Yes especially when I go older I’m Dating younger

[@q.bea_]

This^^^

[@sabp1958]

Thank you so much Shan for making this episode. I've literally listened to it 4 times in the last few days. I cry every time when you start sharing about how Jared and your kids have shifted and contributed to your definition of love. I can only aspire to find that type of love for myself. I LOVE THIS EPISODE SOOO MUCH!! It's exactly what I needed in this moment of my healing journey.

[@commonuser-2554]

Shan can you talk about regulating emotions and attachment styles?

[@AnyaEsma]

I think what's missing is to really address WHY people think it's hard to love yourself. I think anyone can make the decision on any given day to say "I love myself". However, that doesn't mean you truly do - only when you act in self-loving ways every single time, you truly love yourself. It's the same to me as when someone says they love you (and in their mind truly decided that they do), but then act in ways that you don't consider to be loving. It seems easy to just say affirmations or even to summon the feeling of self-love for yourself within yourself. But the way harder part (and what people REALLY struggle with) is to act in self-loving ways all the time. As an educator or a role-model or whatever we want to consider ourselves, we need to talk about that more. Otherwise it is an empty discussion of "well, just decide you love yourself and you're done!" I understand to some people that feels like true self-love, but we often end up missing the ways in which we behave that are not self-loving (whether that's scolding ourselves with negative self-talk, forbidding ourselves from doing certain things, compromising our boundaries etc.). So thank you for this video and I love your content, but this one didn't go deep enough I think.

[@IsisChevaunne]

I agree! bell hooks writes about love being an action and an intentional commitment. Shan's "Maintaining Consistent Self-Love" section sticks out to me the most where depth is missing. Yes, loving all people and living beings is central to self-love. However, if one doesn't act in a loving way to themselves then would they act loving to a "bad" person? That's a question I'd like to hear Shan's perspective on.

[@unaversal_unacorn]

This perspective is so refreshing!! I don't find myself rolling my eyes or feeling like "that's unattainable". Setting the bar low for loving self because why not?

[@TinbitErmyas]

I'll never forget that video you made about being loved right makes you love yourself more and the comment specifically on not having smooth legs hit me the hardest. I can shave my legs in the morning and there's hair in the afternoon, that's how fast my hair grows and men have made me feel insecure about it before. Thank you for always bringing so much wisdom here💛✨

[@royalacity]

Im glad she learned to love outside of herself. Her past inability was one of the reasons I unsubscribed from her a few yeaes back. She responded to one of my comments SO brutally. Until then, I'd looked up to her my whole childhood, supported "those girls are wild" watched her grow, move around, fall in and out of love and learned how to do my curly har from Shan. But because I made a comment with an opposing opinion from hers she felt the need to read me for filth as a human, which was uncalled for and SO hurtful. I dont know her but I felt betrayed in my perception of who I thought she was. Which matters when taking advice. I sensed that she was lacking emotional control and empathy for others at that time. ❤ I'm AMAZED at her growth and feel more comfortable watching her again AND taking her advice.

[@victorialouise2943]

Loving the hair Shan. You look amazing

[@Xyzeezeezee]

I loveeeeee how you described self love in the beginning. I have to edit my. comment to say that this was a phenomenal episode. I will be coming back to watch this often.

[@Llrxxnn]

Throughout your work, there has always been a level of vulnerability and openness, and never have I seen it like this before. This carries a different depth. I applaud you for your growth @loversandfriendspodcast. Thank you for always granting us those gifts. You are so brave in doing so.

[@cuterthaneva101]

I needed this Shan, thank you

[@TheVListPodcast]

Great episode! I completely agree that self love is enhanced when you're being shown proper love from external sources. There's a sort of validation that comes from that. Also I need to re-read Mastery of Love. It was very helpful to me when I initially read it. Could use some of the reminders from that book.. Self love is most definitely a state of being after active practices have been put into place first. It can be shown in different ways, but nonetheless it's practiced until it becomes perfected and thus second nature.

[@shanboody]

I’m rereading too thanks for the share!

[@goldenmadison6435]

this impacted me deeply. I used to always watch your solo episodes and watching this one gave me nostalgia from the past. Your take on self love has changed, and its so cool how you show us growth never stops. I've been repeating - I am, self love is automatic for me now.

[@gabri3la_mia]

Loved how intimate this episode was! Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable with us in this way. Lots of interesting ideas. Yes to more inside jokes with the self!

[@ximenalara2180]

Shannnn I look up to u so much! Thank u for showing up in times that were hard ur amazing

[@samanthalianacole2386]

Girl I loooooved this episode. Ive been a fan of yours the moment I laid eyes on you lol, you're literally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen inside and out. Emphasis on the inside, you are so profoundly intelligent in such a vibrant and colourful way. You have a way of thinking I aspire more of not only for myself but also the world. Theres no grey, cookie cutter BS, your conversations and thoughts are so honest, real, powerful and thought provoking. I strive to be more like a woman like you. My top take away from this episode is the fact that I'm perfect right now, just as I am. PERIOD. All the endless self development is great but it really do be feeling like this never ending cycle as if I'm expecting some final destination lol. I LOVE myself today just because! And I love that million dollar question too. Can you expect to be loved if you yourself haven't done self work and/or dont love yourself? A million times YES. To think otherwise I think is the most detrimental sad thing you can ever subscribe to. Everyone on this planet who has breath is worthy of love. What I think will happen though, is you'll most likely attract someone who is able to love you where you're at, equivalent to that perfect puzzle piece for you. And if you're not happy with the type you're attracting then it could be time to do some work on yourself. Anywho, thank you for being so perfectly, beautifully you, I love you and may God continue to bless you. xoxo

[@drew96555]

You are timelessly relatable. Thank you

[@Lessamontyy]

Super grateful for you! You’ve been a huge impact in my life as it comes to loving myself, my partner and others. Thank you for your knowledge, challenges and sharing your opinions with us. One ❤

[@RoyaltySounds7]

Thank you! A fresh new perspective on self-love that I really needed

[@ChrisGayle-m5e]

And without roots it cannot grow , my relationships in the past struggled because I did not love myself intentionally as much as I did externally

[@Kelly-jg3if]

You are doing well girl! Smashing it 🎉. Plenty of fans from the UK ❤.

[@yolandamejia6670]

Nice top! Self-love is simply nourishment. When you take care of yourself you’re actively loving yourself. As you go on life gets more complicated but the heart of getting through it, or the day, is to take care of yourself, and know how to do that you have to know or at least listen to yourself. And to have a smarter ear, educate yourself, like you do Shan. Ticking off boxes … I feel it serves confidence. Which is not love. But it is another need we have to nourish to get through this life… by ticking boxes. As for why all that effort? For quality. That’s good enough for me. But it is unnatural to give up with the justification that no being is able to stop you from giving up.

[@michellebaynes5681]

GEM of an episode!!! Thank you Shan 🙏🏾

[@mylou1231]

Love this, Shan! Your growth is super inspiring!!! 😍

[@puddin12dt]

Excellent episode! 👏👏👏 Soooooo much resonated! I agree with the statement that self-love in and of itself is probably not necessarily a journey, but I think learning how to do it properly and even getting to a place where you even care to try is most definitely a journey for many people, so I understand what that person you quoted meant when they said that. Great episode ❤

[@iqraosman263]

Beautifully put

[@SuchASaint]

Shan, your videos lately have been so aligned with astrology and what the world is fated to work through at this time. I know you are a science and researched based person - if you ever could see the astrology behind these issues it would be amazing.

[@comptonzfinest]

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel is a great one as well. Great episode 👏🏽👏🏽

[@Frija_the_goddess]

This was an amazing breakdown. I needed to hear this ❤

[@hayattMD]

where the book recommendations at? If you could give us your top 10 books that have changed your life that would be amazing

[@iam_trinikimmy]

I can cook, I am pretty descent, however, I wish that I didn't have to cook as much as I do. I wish I could spend that time doing something else. Quite frankly. He sounds like someone who does not HAVE to cook. Love from T&T!

[@katemae5265]

Thank you for this 🤗🤗🤗❤️

[@NokukhanyaMulovhedzi]

I'll definitely watch this till It sticks to my heart

[@akinyilisamariana1761]

Shan this is perfect. ❤

[@TheMajestickk]

Thank you for this video, Shan

[@STARLIAFIRE]

I appreciate this episode! Thanks Shan!!!

[@Karinawithgems]

Love this conversation 🤍

[@ChrisGayle-m5e]

Love is like a tree , it needs roots to grow

[@LucieTchouffa]

I love you.

[@candidemae]

Who needs therapy when we have Shan 😂❤

[@jeanjuniorjacques9772]

Shando, don't sentenced me. We not communicated the way friends do. Do you have my phone number or not. You know I like you and your show. But, I can't change my love traditions to US traditional love. I feel completely loss my mind and my way too. We are super good at it. When we are talking about that. But, the way I want to feel you. One's of your sister started it and I was in love again that time. But, for a reason or for an other.🎉❤

[@whisperywind8768]

Random but I can't help but think how "influencers" will really sell anything. First it was Hello Fresh, now it's FACTOR. I understand that media is media (e.g. radio can have ads by competitors) but there's different something about selling anything to your community... Personally it causes me to lose trust.

[@shanboody]

Why? They’re kinda the same thing but different time investments. Hello Fresh is a meal kit, so you’re more or less making a Factor like meal for your family yourself. Factor is ready to eat meals. So one comes like straight groceries and one is like an elevated TV dinner. And genuinely I use both companies. Hello Fresh I used for two years before I got a chance to plug em. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there’s an example of what you’re pointing out somewhere in my career, but literally I’m the queen of meal delivery services and have used a ton for different reasons and times (one I used but don’t advertise for is Thistle. The kids once used Nurtured Life and Jared Hungry Root). They’ve all been excellent

[@CaribbeMa11]

What advice would you give to someone having difficulties adapting to the ideal version of themselves. With full acknowledgement to consistency, how would you describe each stepe it in laments terms?

[@Tyla473]

I hope one day you do an interview with @howmarriedareyou?!

[@Tephiffany]

I want to be seen like this...I love and see the human in all! Not for what anyone can do for me but in a way I want the best for them. I don't see them as good or bad but a spectrum, however it hasn't served me well. I'm questioning who in my life "deserves " this type of love from me?

[@shanboody]

This is something I’m still trying to work out but I do think we can differentiate between unconditional feeling of love for everyone and conditional acts/ sacrifices to display love for some. I do wish we had more than one word to describe the feeling I get from loving people

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​​@@shanboodyIndeed, you need to go Greek for that.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

How hasn't it served you well?

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

At 43:12 People have their dealbreakers. With this guy it's the emphasis on "Black Women" being able to cook which is a red flag for me. I'm getting mule-ish,50/50 vibes for finances, but ONLY finances. Everything else is on the woman, so it ends up 80/20 or even 90/10 if children are involved. Speaking as someone who's quite a good cook and baker btw.

[@shanboody]

Thank you for sharing and also I hope I get to try your baking oneday ❤

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@shanboodyMy "healthy" chocolate cake, chocolate banana bread and rice, peas and chicken are to die for. Unfortunately, I'm in the UK.........

[@annahilton9770]

No but why did this person just walk out? What did they say later? I’m so confused, who does that? What was the conversation/situation? An argument?

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

I don't know and it wasn't relevant. I think Shan put it in as an example of self love. She didn't stay in a situation which was uncomfortable for her and contacted the newly absentee "friend" with a loving text afterwards.

[@shanboody]

I think they saw an opportunity to go network and just went and chased it without thinking

[@mimistar1427]

This video has arrived just in time... literally I was crying an hour ago due to the similar feelings as Brianna. Sorry for the long vent I'm about to write. I am middle aged and single, and I was recently diagnosed with Endometriosis, which is a painful condition that has completely turned my world upside down; my quality of life and fertility in the last year have been obliterated by this condition. As a result I'm currently going through the egg freezing process (daily self injections for the next two weeks, then egg retrieval and freezing) before I can have corrective surgery. Throughout this journey I have felt alone and uncared for by my loved ones. The medication I'm currently taking makes me feel sick, and it reminds me that my body has failed me tremendously, and I'm a faulty woman, who might not be able to have children. My family isn't really giving me the love and support that I need right now. They ask me how I'm doing then swiftly move the conversation on. I know maybe it's because they don't know what to do or say, but it just makes me feel like what's happening with me is unimportant or they don't really care about me. I too at the moment feel like life is so pointless. I don't have worth unless I am helping or adding value to the lives of my family or friends because that's how they see me.

[@mewow887]

we think that we always have to give in order to be loved. But you are loveable by just existing. Be patient and try to show gratitude for the good things in your life. Gratitude is the most important ingredient in self love. Everything that happens is a lesson, try to learn from it and if you mess up or fail, try to pick yourself up and try again. It will begin to show itself to you.

[@antoinettekminor]

I understand what you’re going through. I was sick IIH for about 5 years. It has turned my whole world upside down and I don’t know ever feel good about myself and I have no one that can relate. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even when you don’t see it. My therapist said it’s not going to happen overnight and it may take years but it will pass. The level up is coming as long as we work on it.

[@Letsgohsiwb1782]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and that you don't have the support you need or deserve. I'm also going through a hard time and empathise with the struggle of doing it alone. Sending you light and love for better days

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Shan compared "cooking" to "making a million dollars" because the man in question asked how can a woman not know how to cook, what has she been doing all her life? Shan then listed a number of things. She was very defensive, but that clip showed the guy to be quite aggressive, so it's not surprising. The same guy said that a woman not knowing how to cook was a dealbreaker. It wasn't that he wanted a woman to express an interest in learning. It was an ACTUAL DEAL-BREAKER. He was VERY clear about that. My beef with it was that it ONLY pertained to BW. Non BW would get a free pass of course. Even so, there are plenty of BW who can cook, but they're probably not the kinds of women he's interested in ..................

[@mrjames851]

It pertained to black women because he’s not checking for white women. He only brought white women into the conversation as hyperbole, to further illustrate how ridiculous to him it is to not know how to cook

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@mrjames851 We all know it doesn't apply to non Black Women. It's the same as saying: "what do you bring to the table?" Non BW aren't routinely asked this question either. ONLY BW are routinely asked this question. No other woman. It just solidifies their position as eternal mules and ride and dies. I'm glad BW are waking up.

[@fayefrancischiello8722]

Always posting exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it 🫶🏻

[@nancy180world]

Who is EDWARD?

[@rosamoreno4794]

The ending was too confusing for me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ We’re you saying that you stepped out or tried to step out with another man? I am confused. If you can clarify, that would help.

[@Ethereal.loveee]

You heard her right girl. She and Jared have an open relationship. So yes she was with another man. Watch past videos if you haven’t to kinda get an insight of them. If you haven’t yet. If you have disregard. I hope that helps 💗

[@rosamoreno4794]

@@Ethereal.loveee it does thank you! Yes, I thought he was in an open relationship, but she tried and it’s just not going to work with kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is mainly a desire for men. I have heard of many relationships, marriages ending due to this.

[@Ethereal.loveee]

@@rosamoreno4794I wouldn’t say that only men desire this because there’s woman who do too. (I am one of them. Who has kids) 🙋🏽‍♀️ And I would say that if you don’t have good communication with each other then it could lead to marriages/relationships ending. But if you communicate with one another and have an understanding to everything it could be relieving in the relationship. Vs sneaking around behind each others backs. Lying and fighting over everything.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Yes and no. She described the guy as a longstanding friend. They may have been an item once, but that would've been some time ago; she hadn't seen him in a while. The friendship seemed one sided though, but she met up with him to get some kind of validation, but it backfired on her. However, for Shan it was a teachable moment.

[@lisajenkins7692]

uh shan the book links??????

[@shanboody]

Omg I’m such a lame! When I wake up tomorrow I’ll get on this. Ugh thanks for the callout I even put them all together in one link then forgot to share it smh

[@lisajenkins7692]

@@shanboody still don't see the links. Am I missing something??

[@juliatripp2010]

Im listening but if someone mistreats others I canno see them on the same level as those who treat others with respect. I get the 'elevating self' and the whole better / less than as being no better than. But people who disrespect others have depreciating value in my opinion. I see / saw the good in them bcz most prople have some good. But I would say that I am better than a slave owner who beats their slaves, right or a sex abuser who exploits children. Are they good at DIY projects or cooking. Maybe and thats all good. But sorry, their value is greatly diminshed. I am in a situation right now that Im having to re-evaluate. And while there is a lot I saw good in them, disrespect and their reason for showing me disrespect, is a fall from grace. Maybe the lens is what does 'good' in anyone mean anyway. Good AT things, good TO things and prople? Consistently or intermittently good? When theyre doing 'good' does that get nullified when they do something bad or hurtful and vice versa? I as these things cuz I had just ... ahem... thot the very thot today, that I am a better person bcz I do not deliberately hurt or disrespect another. If it has no relative value, why be good to anyone if it doesnt mean anything one way or the other? Why do some people get designated better or a hero for helping while the video taker gets dragged for just videotaping an dangerous incident? Was the hero a 'better' person or just a foolish risktaker?

[@emilyinfp704]

I don't think it's bionary like that everyone has mistreated another person in some way at some point in time. If you do one good thing it doesn't give you hero status for the rest of your life, you don't intentionally harm people but yet at times you will be careless or not have the bandwidth or ability to cause 0 harm to others. The person who harmed you probably didn't do it intentionally but similarly out of poor ability at that moment to do better it doesn't mean you're better than that person it means you're both human. If you don't see the point in doing good things if it doesn't elevate your value as a person I'd say thats maybe a flawed way to view it because then the way you show up for others will be based off what value you add to yourself and not if you can help somone else.

[@juliatripp2010]

@@emilyinfp704I really just wanted to start the conversation but so ok. They're calling the man who came at the Maine shooter with a knife, 2 days ago, who did that one good thing - a hero. Not for anything else, so thats not true that 1 thing does not make you an exception, a hero, 'above' the bystanders. More of a admirable human? Altho we can question if thats true too. But it is how people think. What if he felt what he did didnt or wouldnt make a difference? Would he be seen as a coward like was said abt a sevurity guard at a school shooting who hid out? (I think he got fired). Were these actions equal? I dont think he took the time to think it an act of elevation per se, but was it vs an opposite but equal response to do nothing? Do you think the shooter did not shoot intentionally? He certainly was struggling mentally. But those 2 acts are not equal. But Question: is one act no different or better than the other? Or does the fact that because of his illness he is still a decent, forgivable, honorable, good person? To the larger world; his community; his family; the deceased; if he was black? I see people who are not diagnosed with MI, doing evil things all the time. Are they still decent? Do you consider yourself no better than the evil doer? Yes, some acts are not intentional. But too many are. And is there a scale or degree which determines good / better/ best? We can screen everything around us with this lens, such as the actions of Israel vs Hamas. I went to Israel in 2007. I know what I saw then. Are the choices of both sides equal? Did they start out equal? Or was there an original act or a series of evil acts that set things in motion or 'escalated' thjngs to bring about the horror of todays situation? I only ask these Q's bcz Ive seen too much ugliness and I think Im a better person than my abuser, not because I oversee the care of an abuser of the same sort today whom I have chosen to feel love for. But bcz I chose to rise above the hurt and do what no one else would do for this person. Because I knew what it felt like to be broken. Not for escalation of myself. Simply bcz he was human. But too many sex offenders are neglected or kicked out bcz the comm at large think they ARE less than or that they themselves are better than At any rate, the ideas posed in this video are not simple, cut and dried. When we talk abt 'being a 'bigger person' or becoming a 'better person,' exactly what yardstick are we using or is it all semantics?

[@AshleySingler]

I agree. Everyone is worthy of love, to a degree. Once we get into the realm of humans acting demonic, once humans do extremely wicked things, they are excused from the population of humans who deserve love. We all deserve love despite flaws and imperfectistons. That is until someone starts acting in inhuman ways.

[@shanboody]

I read this book called behave and I wanna share this part with you “adversity results in excessive growth in the amygdala and underdevelopment in the frontal cortex. And the result is clear. As we’ve seen, the frontal cortex inhibits the amygdala from making impulsive decisions. So, when the former is underdeveloped and the latter overdeveloped - as is the case with individuals who experience childhood adversity - the outcome is poorer behavioral regulation, as well as a tendency toward violence later in life.” I don’t know what this means in all (still working these concepts out) but I do know the more I learn the more I feel for vs against people

[@toomuchinformation]

​@@shanboodyAdverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) also results in illness later on in life. There's well documented research on this. Have you ever read anything by Dr Gabor Mate?

[@GoldenGlam95]

Shan are you saying you can love yourself if you were a serial killer or someone who is? That’s like God’s level of love! I don’t think anyone is “good” (except for Jesus)but I do think there’s good enough. I do think there’s evil people because there are some people who literally don’t have or feel love for anyone including themselves who commits unfathomable crime against others. Maybe because I’m incapable of loving someone who is that empty I can’t imagine any human is capable of that, I can’t even imagine God loving such a person.

[@vyspeeds]

Sis, why is there so much limitation on others and even god in your mind?

[@juliatripp2010]

@@vyspeeds My life is enuf proof that there are tremendous limitations of the majority of human beings to love anyone else unconditiinally unless they're related and maybe not even then. I believe in loving certain people at a distance and letting God love those who are too damaged and too unhealed for the rest of us to love. I dont think it's putting limits on oneself as much as it is being honest. Another skill most people aren't too good at either

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

​@@juliatripp2010Did you ever see the video Shan and Jared did for Justin Davis's podcast with his wife Shay? It was about unconditional love. Your comment touched on one of its pertinent points.

[@juliatripp2010]

@dumfriesspearhead7398 No I was not aware of that video but I will try to find it. Thank you

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

@@juliatripp2010 His podcast is called "Who Can Relate".

[@Christinalexis5]

46:06 the VERY FIRST time I’ve ever really enjoyed an add 🥹