Session 12 | Katie | In Therapy with Alex Howard

In this week’s session, Katie and I focus on how building self-worth is the key to happiness. Katie has recently rekindled a relationship with her estranged husband but old habits of feeling unseen and unheard have resurfaced, igniting her inner critic. Stay tuned until the end, where I will be sharing my TOP TIP on how to cultivate a deeper and more supportive relationship with yourself.
Alex Howard is a London-based Therapeutic Coach dedicated to helping break the stigma around mental health and helping people make real, positive changes in their lives. Alex is also the creator of Therapeutic Coaching and founder of The Optimum Health Clinic and Conscious Life.
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Website: www.alexhoward.com
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Content is produced, directed and edited by Oliver Halls (Instagram: @oliver.halls) and Rachel Forbes (Instagram: @rae_forbes).

[@angelaszabo5820]

Keep going Katie. You don’t have to be glamorous or sexy to be loved and adored. It’s a difficult journey but you’ve already come a long way. I’m rooting for you xxxx

[@parisaforpeace]

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship in our life and often the most difficult.

[@createone100]

Well, I bought a small farm at the age of 59. 13 years later, I am still here and loving it, with my partner of 8 years, and my horses, dogs, chickens, and goats, and a big garden. Lots and LOTS of work, but at 72 I don’t want to live anywhere else. I have had quite a journey these past years, with sadness, particularly around the passing of much-loved animals, but also a tremendous amount of peace and feeling deeply grounded in nature. Neither my partner nor I are movie stars!

[@corinapotarniche3702]

It's interesting how the pattern of not being seen and heard is playing out again in this session. Alex talks over her most of the time, doesn't let her finish sentences and is basically telling her what is what. In a way, it's a repetition of the dynamic she talks about at the beginning of the session - the argument she was having with her husband and kids. The more active and overpowering Alex is, the more she will hold on to her own view. What she needs is space to hear her own thoughts, someone to mirror them back and to ask insightful questions so she can explore other options for herself.

[@freescot8035]

Yes, I noticed that too and I really wanted to hear what Katie was trying to say. I fear something was being misssed. Katie needs to heard. To follow her thoughts and see where they lead. We all need that. I hope she gets peace to listen to herself.

[@Chopsyochops]

Yes I noticed that too.

[@cathlaurs9754]

I noticed that too. "My voice isn't important". Seems to me that she needs to be listened to not talked to.

[@cygnelle1232]

OMG thank you! It's been so frustrating to me seeing this. I almost didn't dare scroll down to look at the comments, and I'm so pleasantly surprised by yours. Ugh, thank you for seeing this and saying it.

[@createone100]

Yes, that is the problem with ‘made for KZbin’ therapy. The therapist is the ‘movie director’.

[@cfs_pathtofreedom]

Katie I absolutely adore you 🙂 I truly see how hard it is for you to reflect on your insecurities yet I see a mighty women emerging. I hope more & more you see what others see in you and that you come more & more from a centred strong place inside of you. I see such an intelligent, interesting, sassy, strong & beautiful lady. I hope you don’t mind me saying all this. Perhaps it’s because I have spent my whole life feeling lesser or insecure. I have had therapy to also address these issues. I am 51. Sending you love, courage, strength & stillness in your life & heart. Wishing you well on this journey with Alex & beyond. May you step gently & lovingly into YOU and enjoy coming home & all that this brings. With love and thanks to you & Alex. Xxx P.s women to women, you really do have beautiful glamorous blue eyes 😘

[@nonaorbach1]

I am an art therapist. I saw all chapters, thank you! I believe that our deepest yearning is to be loved as we are. "The experience of Permission is as important as the air we breathe, and the granting of Permission is a vital act in relationships, parenting, education, and therapy." Nona Orbach, The Book of Permission

[@jenniferlangham9947]

I really want to thank Alex and the OHC team for putting out these videos. I find them very helpful. I also want to acknowledge Katie for being brave enough to open up in such a vulnerable way. I found it very helpful to hear Katie's story and follow her journey. I could relate to many things she was going through as I have similar situations in my life. I am also the same age as her. I just want her to know how much I appreciate her sharing her life issues and I look forward to the next video to see how she is doing.

[@lisadennys6045]

This was a powerful episode. I really appreciated how Alex held a steady, persistent inquiry and honest presence on Katie’s behalf to guide her into some difficult territory to explore and confront. I also appreciated the topic and the importance and simplicity of the Top Tip for building a stronger relationship with oneself. I’ll be digesting and applying my learning from this one for awhile.

[@Tech-Corner2023]

Middle age is sooo tough. Toughest age of my life. Since all of a sudden, you cannot ignore the patterns of your mistakes in life and you see there is something about you who generate all these similar issues. At the same time, your body declines, your memory and energy decline, your long term dysfunctional relationships fall apart, children who adore you around - cute, loving, playful - even if not your children, like your niece-nephews, they grow up, becomes self-absorbed, not see or appreciate you anymore, or even see you as failure, not the adorable parent or aunt/uncle or loving neighbour.. So your ego can shutter, you could end up seeing yourself even with less self-worth than before, your resentment and disappointments accumulate too and become hard to ignore. You worry about your career, some don't end up being promoted much, and now have to work with younger, job switch harder, or you hate your job a lot.

[@lifeslessons9889]

3.26 YES YES YES - I’ve actually done a load of self work over the last few years …I’ve freed myself from the family crap and apologising for who I am … it’s about ME now finally because i as fed up feeling bad about myself- I’ve been you Katie , but NO MORE - ! For me now at age 62 I also don’t believe “ anyone is going to want me because “ I too have low confidence in My looks ..probably because my parents drummed into me this ego that won’t bloody chill out !

[@evercleanhomeandoffice2839]

Katie , your amazing. You aren't crazy, the truth is your spouse is disrespectful calling you names and gaslighting you. Your kids are doing what all kids do, and all mothers react the same as you. We work our fingers to the bone and they make a mess etc. Your a great mum. Don't put up with a bloke who treats you like crap. Your better than that.

[@jillychandler]

Katie, I think you are beautiful, both inside and out, and anyone would be lucky to have you, baggage and all. I feel as you do, and I only go out of my house to walk my dog, and so there is not much chance of me meeting a lovely man, but we never know I suppose?! I also feel that it would be too much mental stuff to weigh someone down with, but again, we never know what is around the corner. Because we are people pleasers, maybe we will meet someone who wants to be loved, and will care and love us back the way we deserve to be. xxxx

[@saharaalberto4057]

I'd be very interested to see why all four of Katie's children (3 of which are adults) call her 'crazy'? She does say in this episode that her behavior is 'assertive' and then qualifies it as 'aggressive'. To be honest, I don't think this therapist goes far enough probing the onsets, duration and outcomes of family arguments. He's quick to offer solutions and move on. I would just like to know more to make sense of this. But I have immense empathy for Katie and her situation. She seems like a very kind woman at heart. I can relate to her need to set boundaries with people.

[@margaretohara7250]

This conversation is so interesting. It is so sad to hear this lovely smart lady state how she feels after what seems to be a life if service to her family, career and community. She is not alone - women all over the world are in the same boat but in denial. They bottle up their feelings and live behind the "fascade". I remember my parents and the respect dad had for women. Never heard him use a negative word to mom. He helped with household chores after a day's work. He came from generations past. He had a deep respect for people. This is young therapist but has so much insight to the problems here. Yes, the sun will shine again and along the way, family has learned not to take mom for granted. I am just basing my thinking on what I have heard in this session. I don't know those people or family dynamics. Thus is truly educational for all families. Blessings to all.

[@leahcalabro2787]

Thankyou Alex. These interviews are teaching me more about myself and my relationship too🙂

[@margaretking5783]

Awesome….. Thank you Alex for being a a wonderful human being and doing. And thank you Kate for being brave and allowing your therapy to be filmed. So helpful to so many people,me included. May you find your peace and love along this journey, you are certainly on the way.

[@sandjblake75]

Awesome episode. Thank you Alex and Katie.

[@michelleedwards5876]

What a powerful episode. Such an eye opening session to watch and for myself. I’ve watched all the previous episodes and related to them all but this one hit home and made me able to see in myself exactly what it is that I need to work on and I’m able to take a lot of the tools I’ve been given from my own support system and the help from all the previous episodes will help me to achieve my own peace and self love so thank you for all that you do to help others and myself on their journey 🙏🏽

[@margaretohara7250]

I just stumbled on this channel and it immediately caught my attention. This therapist is excellent - such insight. What a lovely lady - so sad she feels this way after a life of service.

[@lorrainebarker4437]

So honest and open. 🙏🏻

[@freescot8035]

Katie, wishing you a lovely future. Follow your dream =) Maybe it could start with a holiday volunteering at an animal sanctury? Who knows what doors may open for you =)

[@ceevee8110]

Gosh Katie you have stunning eyes - when you smile they light up your face. X

[@polkprincess2714]

When you reduce all this stress….I bet the weight will fall off and confidence will increase and healing will improve. Sometimes we have to love family from a distance.

[@ginagina73774]

Superb. Well done. 🎉

[@claresmith9261]

I’ve watched all this amazing ladies sessions and I’m just wondering how she’s doing now!! !! Also I’d love to hear books Alex would recommend

[@rachelclairethornton868]

How is Katie doing know?

[@lindsay5305]

2.45. You "dont stop". Being busy is disociating from your feelings Katie Why punish people? Just explain how you feel and say you would like them to help clean up. 6:46 Katies body language says her husband has to change, not her 10:30 "we dont" means he dont 10:57 youre checked out in your relationship 13:31 yet you want love and respect in your relationship. This is one way 13:53 you cannot accept love while you believe you are not lovable 19:33 you are wrong. Katie BELIEVES she IS unlovable 21:33 correct 24:37 you also find it hard to be vulnerable 24:49 listen to yourself Katie. Its when people ARE vulnerable that there is connection. 27:27 Being the worst made you special, stand out. Seen 33:03 not if a person hates themself

[@magnanilanguages154]

I fully agree

[@Sarah-mv8nt]

katie you are me I totally understand you every thing you say I am nodding I would love to chat to you I find my relationship with my self the hardest ever I also felt invisible as a child I need love and comfort right now , I think we need to except ourselves for who we are I know it's hard but I've been watching your journey and I think your lovely kind harted a nd beautiful take care x

[@jeanniecampbell1374]

Alex is trying to nudge her forward with the right tools ..I feel Katie is stuck and need to make a choice to heal as I feel she will never be satisfied because she is still overwhelmed with her emotions and the history she carries ..I wish her well as it really is Hard work .

[@jansmith2658]

Pocket money ?are they not adults? If they have left home how can you give them pocket money…. I’m so confused

[@kingfisher9553]

Not only does she give them pocket money but they feel entitled to have a fit about her establishing consequences for immature behavior of leaving a mess for mom-the-slave to clean up.

[@clareshaughnessy2745]

It’s ridiculous. But it allows her to a) control them and b) feel like a martyr

[@phoebemackenzie6597]

Spoilt brats,,,simple!!!

[@magnanilanguages154]

Would be interesting to hear the other family members. I guess a lot could be added to see the whole picture.

[@margaretohara7250]

Alex, would you be so kind as to give me name of your book if you have one. I just came upon your channel and it truly caught my attention. Thank you. USA

[@hayleyprice8345]

I think the way you look makes a difference

[@lenoredavi6137]

Are her kids old enough for her to leave them with the partner, and to go follow her dreams? Few people would feel respected living like that.

[@Godisfirst21]

Alex, why the f bomb? Lol

[@magnanilanguages154]

I got mixed feelings about that. I completely feel and believe the issues around the body image and it's very brutally honest and vulnerable to discuss this. But I can't really buy into the behaviour/character thing. I doubt the problem is the looks, I mean one should always try to look clean, as a sign of respect towards oneself and the others around us. So that could be a first step to take care of that. But for the rest, the family especially, I get a whole different vibe. Would be interesting to hear their point to view, because I can't buy into the story of the "I'm always blamed for no reason" kind of narrative. It's a victim mentality often used by narcissistic people because they can't see their own role in all of that. Towards her husband I don't see any sign of respect, let alone love, it sounds more like a thing that is used or discarded. What is she willing to do to improve their relationship? Does she see HIM, I mean him as a person? And no, not the body is what people make her stay away from her, it's the vibe, the behaviour, the actions. Unless that gets changed, I don't see a real improvement. I think Alex is super clear and super honest and patient here.

[@hayleyprice8345]

Go for a massage

[@jeanniecampbell1374]

maybe katie could have holidays in the country and see how that feels .

[@Godisfirst21]

You should not stay with Simon for the reasons you've stated.

[@gabrielakarl3859]

I like, alright....

[@kingfisher9553]

Have I misunderstood? My impression is that Simon is unemployed.

[@Godisfirst21]

No dream is unrealistic. Why arent you tell her that Alex? Dream. Use your imagination. Your marriage is over and you are in perimenopause or menopause.

[@freescot8035]

Yes! I loved that Katie expressed her dream! And I hope she finds a way to follow some lovely version of that dream. And that she continues to have better visits with her parents. Whether or not her marriage is over? I hope Katie and her husband work out what to do one way or the other in time. God willing, we will all live long enough to experience menopause but I don't know anyone who has found it an easy journey! Eventually it passes. And menopause does have alot to answer for! Hopfully too her youngsters will look at their Mum with compassion and start behaving in a kinder way. Maturing and taking responsibility for not leaving a disgusting mess for someone else to wade through would be a start. You know, I can so clearly visualise Katie in the countryside surrounded by animals looking free and happy =)

[@Godisfirst21]

You give your children money and they leave a kitchen like that?

[@streaming5332]

Katie is a lovely interesting person who you'd like to have as a friend, however she needs to lose the 3 stone to feel better about herself.

[@phoebemackenzie6597]

Your husband is definitely..A Full Blown Narcissist Katie…get out of it A.S.P. You can NEVER be happy or content with someone like him…. You so deserve better, you will have nothing but heartache with him in your life…You are a strong intelligent lady you could go on to have a very happy independent life,,,but he won’t make it easy for you I’m afraid,,you are suffering on a daily basis,,,and what’s worse is,,,it’s all in plain sight…Run lady,,,RUN!!!

[@lifeslessons9889]

This throughout has screamed to me you want - and need OUT ! Go it alone …. Entirely, you don’t need this aggro from husband ( kids come and go ) or family . Dip your toe in by all means ..but keep the boundary flag high !

[@marypaino1327]

Concentrate on what you can change, I see someone convinced they can't change when you can and get a good bra, stop wearing baggy clothes and improve food relationship and concentrate on loving you and not how other's love you or not

[@freescot8035]

Great suggestions Mary but by the time you need to seek therapy these seemingly simple steps to looking outwardly different, 'improved', may be just too big a step right now. Self care may emerge when a person is beginning to heal.

[@clareshaughnessy2745]

My god, this woman is infuriating. She has so many excuses. I’m not sure why she’s doing therapy she only rejects every idea the guy has. She’s so comfortable being where she is

[@freescot8035]

Whoa that is unfair! Katie is quite clearly not at all comfortable where she is. She is seeking guidance through therapy. In spite of being talked over several times before her sentence was finished, Katie had the grace to thank her therapist and to say she felt he 'got her'. I was struck by seeing Katie, at the beginning of the session, looking physically healthier and lighter in spirit , even though she had just been through a tough few days. And then, very quickly, I was dismayed to see Katie interupted, talked over, and retreat into herself. It looked like Katie was trying to comfort herself with her hands up to her cheek like a child wanting to fall asleep. Katie has NOT 'rejected every idea idea the guy has' - for example Katie has said she has benefitted from the meditation Alex recommended. And yet, there seemed to be times when the therapist's jumping in with Katies' parents need for love and her husband's need for love diminised the significance of Katie's pain. And again, when Katie expressed har dream to live in the countryside surrounded by animals, that seemed to be brushed aside even though that seemed like an emerging expression of a tiny hope for a loving and healing future. To me that sounded positve and a move towards an emergence of the possibility of a lifting of Katie's self esteem. For her to be allowed to dream of a better future. I really hope that is explored and allowed in a later session. Therapy takes time. It took a lifetime of small and huge cuts to now have unhealed wounds and those wounds will take time to find, clean and dress and care for untill they heal. Those wounds may always be tender. There is no quick fix. Victim blaming is not acceptable Clare. Katie was not making excuses but trying to explain where her difficulties lay. Being allowed to fully express her perceived difficulties should be part of her therapy, not just jumping to solutions. In fairness to the therapist I presume we are seeing a shortened edited version of their sessions. But being heard is the start.

[@clareshaughnessy2745]

@@freescot8035 that’s why I’m not a therapist. I don’t know how the guy stops himself giving her a good shake. You see one thing and you may be right. I see a woman who just wants to tell someone how awful everybody is to her and get tea and sympathy, not ways that she is accountable or ways she might change her thinking

[@magnanilanguages154]

Fully agreed@@clareshaughnessy2745

[@sweetpeainfrance6729]

I feel a lot of empathy and sympathy but she has ( had ) lots of self sabotage...She has idealised self but has no belief ... she is a conundrum. why give kids pocket money when they trash your kitchen or was it NOt trashed but just messy ion places in which case as a parent with your partner you haven't earned or encouraged respect byt letting them know how they could help you instead of TRASH you.. Ive watched all episodes until here. as your situation is very different but I haveallowed myself to be victimised and criticised so now I PAUSE and I dont play their game... I step back... Do you know how hard it is to care for animals. LIsten to the BUT ... Change the BUT to AND aND HEAR THE DIFFERENCE in your comments... We cannot help our body shape. and I disagree one sees very attractive people with those who are not so pretty....TALKING and explaining our needs are necessary..... I don't think Katie gets it... because she keep being si negative... ... I wouldnt ish to work with this kind pf person..... it is so ego centred........ in a very negative destructive way. and the poor parents!!! I like her very much... I ask her to ask each comment whether it is REALLY true!!!!!!!! Voila

[@freescot8035]

Victim blaming is not ok. Katie is not negative. She is wounded. And trying to find a way to heal. Seeking therapy is not an easy journey and not easy to share or for you to witness. Be kind to yourself too.