SET BOUNDARIES! The 3 Boundaries EVERY WOMAN Must Set In A Relationship! | Melissa Urban

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On Today's Episode:
So, you have a boundary, you state your boundary, and then you find yourself apologizing at the slightest pushback to your boundary. WTF is that about!?
We keep hearing about boundaries, and we know that not having boundaries can be a major issue in your personal life, your work life, and even in line at the grocery store. The problem is actually creating boundaries that don’t make you feel guilty everytime you try to enforce them.
You may know Melissa Urban as the Whole 30 diet creator, but today she’s joining Lisa to discuss her latest book, The Book of Boundaries. Right at the start she’s coming in strong for the ladies and saying that, “people don't need to understand or agree with your boundaries to respect it.” Once you let that sink in, you breathe a little easier and start wondering, HOW!?
How can you get people to respect your boundaries without guilt and the urge to apologize that your boundary is somehow an inconvenience to their plan to push your limits? By the end of this episode you’ll have everything you need to know where to set your next boundary, you’ll be able to set more boundaries where needed, and you’ll be able to enforce boundaries like a badass! Even with your parents!
Check out Melissa’s new book, The Book of Boundaries, Set The Limits That Will Set You Free: www.amazon.com/Book-Boundarie...
SHOW NOTES:
0:00 | Introduction to Melissa Urban
1:15 | Boundaries Create Freedom
5:41 | Being Taught To Not Set Boundaries
11:39 | 5 Relationship Boundaries to Adopt (1 and 2)
22:52 | Put Words to Your Boundaries
25:23 | When Your Enjoys Going Out
35:00 | Setting Limits on Privacy & Trust
51:23 | Communicate Sexual Boundaries
59:34 | When the Drama Is Your Momma
1:10:31 | Side Effects of Enforcing Boundaries
1:18:36 | Why The Best Boundaries Are Flexible
1:24:04 | The Hardest One to Set Boundaries With
QUOTES:
“Boundaries are about creating freedom in relationships and making them better.” [2:23]
“A boundary can’t tell someone else what to do.” [12:50]
“It’s not me against you, my romantic partner, it is us against the problem.” [18:41]
“We have been told that being direct is rude, and it’s not. Direct is direct. You can be direct and kind.” [24:52]
“I need alone time like people need to breathe, and when I feel overwhelmed, [...] when I pull myself out and sit myself in my room with the door closed with a book for an hour, it is not a rejection of you…” [27:10]
“A healthy boundary is always designed to improve the relationship.” [28:59]
“Say what you mean and trust your partner to say the same.” [31:58]
“Setting a boundary and seeing how the other person responds to that boundary can also be a very good test.” [40:31]
“Other people’s reason for what they are calling a boundary is kind of not your business…” [42:45]
“If I could have done better, I would have, and I know that I couldn’t because I didn’t.” [44:56]
“If you start responding differently the dynamic has to change.” [58:48] 57:29 - +1:19
“If they continue to choose to over step that limit, that’s their choice, and you are simply responding to their choice. Your response is a consequence to their action.” [1:06:36]
“I know standing firm feels really uncomfortable, but giving in is uncomfortable too.” [1:12:18]
“When you set a boundary it often means you are revoking a privilege that the other person was never meant to have, and it can feel like you’re taking something away.” [1:12:58]
“You got to lose the idea of these fake consequences, and really think about the actual consequences because they are very real consequences to future you if you don’t hold this boundary with yourself.” [1:31:00]
Follow Melissa Urban:
Website: www.melissau.com/
Twitter: / melissa_urban
Facebook: / melissau.author
Instagram: / melissau

[@LisaBilyeu]

Drop a comment below saying 'ENOUGH" if you're ready to stop being pushed around!

[@bumblebee_mrs]

Yes, I have had enough. As a Greek Orthodox lady in Australia, I have gone thru a lot.

[@noluntumnothoza3352]

Love it to😂

[@Amber-79]

This channel is PRICELESS. Forwarded many to my kids and I just found this gem.

[@lauramosneagu6177]

ENOUGH

[@internationalentertainment6906]

ENOUGH

[@cyndifoore7743]

If he doesn’t naturally respect you, dump him. Let some other woman take him to school

[@datingandlifeadvicechannel7534]

Yes 😂

[@ImagineThatSam]

Great metaphor…I’ll be remembering this one…😂

[@Monas99]

Omg! I love your point. I'll be sure to remember this. Thank you!

[@samanthabarron8481]

I would hope that a person I was with would take the time to explain their boundaries to me and give me an opportunity to respect them before leaving me without communicating expectations first. The concept of respect can be subjective.

[@marilynndunn9703]

I agree with you 100%! Some things you just don’t have to put up with.. PERIOD! DOT! If this is the way they role, then let ‘em role their behinds somewhere else, to somebody else who likes that role!! 😊

[@queenofthenorth3110]

She actually brought tears to my eyes when she repeated. “If I could have done better, I would have “ giving ourselves compassion and grace🙏❤️

[@anitaarnold6534]

Me too! 😢

[@queenofthenorth3110]

@@anitaarnold6534 ❤️🤗

[@pennymeticulous5342]

44:47 🙏

[@hopefully2224]

I'm 53 and im just starting to realize I owe myself so much more. I pray future generations of women are raised by pro woman, boundary teaching, unconditionally loving moms.

[@SR-mv2mf]

I am not a mother but am woman and I agree. It brings me so much sadness to know how the state of the feminine is today

[@Wandertheworldwithme]

When I was 21, I was taking a shower and caught my sister’s boyfriend hand holding his phone at the window recording me…..I immediately ran out of the shower with a towel and told my mom/uncle/everyone in the house what happened, and he ran around to the backyard pretending he was there the whole time….my sister turned the tables and said I was lying, and my mom til this day kisses his ass and talks about him to me about how he’s such a great person….absolutely sick. I’m actually going to return to therapy to discuss this issue and how to instill boundaries with my mom because they are all mentally ill to be putting this perpetrator on a pedestal. Absolutely sick.

[@nmartin5551]

I hear you. I have a cousin who married a sorry POS who hasn’t worked since they married. She has had 3 nervous breakdowns trying to deal with his narcissistic abuse AND bring home the bacon. Then the rest of us have to hear the BS that he spins and the elder females in the family believe for absolutely no apparent reason. I guess it’s the don’t talk about it/it doesn’t exist. I hope he dies. It’s the only way I can figure out to deal with it. Yes, I have told my cousin the family will support her if she ever decides she has had enough.

[@Wandertheworldwithme]

@@nmartin5551 ugh that sounds so difficult, I’m sorry you have to deal with someone like that. Sounds like is causing so much pain in the family and not getting any help for it, probably because he just blames everyone else for his problems instead of taking accountability? My sister is the same way, she blames my mom for not going to university and why she’s in the financial difficulty that she’s in etc. It’s so annoying and I want peace, life doesn’t have to be hard but they make it chaotic.

[@NB-ig8zi]

Good for you to tell everyone. It's on them that they didn't respond as they should. If they had wanted to make him accountable simple thing would have been to see his phone with the recording. Or simply stand by you. It is entirely their conscious choice to stand by him over you. I have experienced this with my own family of origin and I have put a lot of distance to them and left them to their own misery.

[@whoareyoutoaccuseme]

Yeah, my family was like that too. Not that same situation, but they put people on pedestals who shouldn't have been, while criticising, being cruel to, and not helpful or supportive of me (because they hated my father, and my mom was an intelligent bohemian type). I stopped talking to them in my early 20s after she died and I do not regret it. I've not received a dime of inheritance even tho I've had 4 grandparents, my parent, and aunts & uncles die, despite being homeless and truly needing some assistance. But putting up with their BS wasn't worth it.

[@acemanifester1401]

Insanity I feel you dude👌 Family isn’t always who you think they are. I’ve heard way too many stories of women being dismissed for telling the truth. Sometimes I just want to scream it from the rooftops.

[@jacquelinechahine5645]

“I need alone time, like I need to breathe “… literally meeee… Love this 🥰

[@jenmulvaney]

Same!!!

[@hollygrace6814]

its everybody

[@mercyz6252]

“If I could have done better, I would have. I know that I couldn’t, because I didn’t.” Powerful! Thank you!

[@RitaP41]

But it's still your responsibility to address whatever you created with your actions (whether it's an apology or an action to counter the damage)

[@dionzoe6716]

this is true in so many contexts, about guilt too in bereavement, I just am so thankful I watched this, let's all 'give ourselves grace' x

[@yaelbrandeis5934]

@@dionzoe6716 שם

[@sunnyadams5842]

@@RitaP41 YES!!! A million times YES!! MY accountability challenged parents would leave it there. Which forces my opinion of their parenting, which I have, extremely slowly and painfullyreluctantly, arrived at based on the outcome. Me. I am healing up from all kinds of issues which are scientifically supported, evidence based EVIDENCE to result from One Source Only! Childhood Neglect and Abuse. CPTSD and Dysregulation. Frustratingly, they will not admit there could be any titch of improvement on their perfect selves and perfect parenting possible. If I think so, I am simply wrong, as far as thet're concerned. When they ask me to accept that they did their Best and believe that was good enough, but obviously wasn't because...CPTSD! It makes me a little crazier. Overall that is a powerful truth unless people use it to their advantage or it isn't true.

[@CrystalDatingCoach]

#mayaangelou When you know better...you do better.

[@TheDbaby86]

That hit me when she said give yourself grace. I’ve mad a lot of bad decisions in my life and I beat myself up everyday and I have become so self destructive. What I need to understand is if I knew better I would have done better so I need to give myself grace.

[@meganjohnson9781]

^ truth

[@TheMightyBlackPearl]

It's more than that baby, love yourself. Love yourself more because nobody is going to love you the way you deserve, until you love you! But then again I guess that's what she meant by give yourself some grace! I guess we just interpreted a little bit differently. Regardless, do not beat yourself up over those decisions. This is all like a learning process, right? You've never made these decisions before, otherwise you would make a different decision. This is like having a tool put in your tool bag. You know a tool to keep the douchebags away, lol. But also a tool to ground you and bring you back to yourself. I wish you so much love and peace. I pray that you get everything your heart desires, truly desires. We all want love and to be accepted. You will find that if you haven't already! I will too. You and I may have a lot of growth left to do, but we can totally do it with grace! #Sisterhood 💝☮

[@erin5061]

Thank you. Just yesterday a friend say to me, "be graceful with yourself"...Grace is the key , and may it come to you 1000 fold.

[@TheMightyBlackPearl]

@@erin5061 Yes! YES! Give yourself grace! You are completely deserving of it. We all are and we need to allow ourselves that. I wish you so much empowerment and self love. Because self love is not selfish. 💝😘

[@lacie623]

Right?!?! I have a bad habit of beating myself up as well. Why do we do that? Hasn’t the world been cruel enough?? I agree with the above comments. As you work though healing and growth, be your own best friend and practice self love. It would also be a good idea to let those you love & care for know that you are working on healing yourself and they may wanna help too! Or even better, they may wanna help and work on themselves too!

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

12:25 Household Management 18:18 Interpersonal Conflict 25:25 Styles of Socialization 35:00 Privacy and Trust 51:22 Sex and Physical

[@junemweru887]

Thanks for this

[@staceymcmullan]

Thank you

[@whoareyoutoaccuseme]

But that's 5?

[@melissazweifel807]

350

[@hunnyb1308]

@Santhosh Krishnan Richard Cooper

[@LuhRen]

It enrages me when I hear people talk about their family covering up abuse. That's how it continues and perpetuates in the broader community. I wish her parents would have done something, even if it was just keeping her away from him and not having them in the same room. It's not hard to care about your child. It's crazy. I'm glad she learned and realized she had more to offer people and the world. Rooting for her in life.

[@ckl5801]

They sacrificed their child at the altar of “family”. But what kind of family is it to discount your own daughter’s truthful account of being preyed upon sexually?

[@wendyface6473]

Yes the family was more important than the stability of the individual members. Sadly, us 4 are not happy married or in stable partnerships.. oh my.

[@moonglowdancer1892]

Non workable is what the therapist labeled my yusband

[@helenaquin1797]

Good of you to add this in support of her and others who've experienced this!❤🙏

[@haileynichelle8343]

I would have reported him to the police. If someone commits a crime, they have to face the consequences. It's not the victim's job to coddle the abuser's future or reputation.

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Yes wow last week a guy on a dating app asked me if I could send him nude pics. I replied I don't do that His reply: You are difficult. Blocked bye. To each their own, just don't insult me bc I have different personal boundaries! Often the manipulation is just ridiculously obvious.

[@sarahcouture24]

I love how you talk about not shaming yourself and instead having self compassion because you’re right, the self punishment doesn’t work ever!

[@kylielogan8771]

Not being taught or allowed to develop boundaries starts in childhood and continues until you realize how important they are to stay safe, good relationships that are trustworthy and respectful! Thank you 🙏🏻. I was raised by my grandparents World War Two, children were to be silent, grandmother ate after serving everyone else it was awful. My saving grace was nature, animals and God. Even though my family didn’t believe in anything except themselves.

[@PeaceDayCortez]

30ys with my ex, he loved a clean house and how organized I was, but he never lifted a finger to help me except to take out the trash, pull the cans to the curb and pickup dog poop once a week. I had to ask him to unload or load the dishwasher even though he could see it needed to be done. I had to ask him to clean a toilet that he knew needed to be cleaned regularly, same with the shower. I had to ask him to put a load of towels to wash even though he could see them in the laundry. I got tired of having to ask for the bare minimum of help. Everything inside the house was considered my job, including bills, getting groceries, raising our child etc. When she graduated I left. The only thing different now is less dishes to wash, less food to make, less towels to wash, I pick up the dog poop, take the trash out and put the cans at the curb once a week. I hired a lawn guy to cut the grass every other week. Mind you I went to college at night and worked full time while our daughter was in school. Never again! NEVER!

[@jennymunday7913]

I love the face Lisa makes when she hears a truth bomb. Eyes wide, tilt back, huge nod. I love it. Its like shes trying to silently cheer and show she connected at the same time. Big emotions!

[@Indy__isnt_it]

LoL she JUST did this when it found your comment. And when she agrees, and she knows!!! She absolutely loves whatever she's doing on her show. So well done!

[@lisabilyeu6293]

Haha thanks!! That’s when I’m blown away but don’t want them to stop talking! So all I can do is ferociously nod 🤣❤️

[@mararamitchpeace]

LOL! RIGHT! I always say "I love the way she listens" 🥰

[@TildaTsunagari]

I love how you say it’s like she silently cheers. I listen to the talks without seeing the screen (podcast style) and I know when I hear that pause that she’s taking time for that silent cheer or contemplation and it helps me not be startled from a holler out in the moment. I can listen to a lot more of these then I have the time to watch, so it’s appreciate it on many levels that she does this! 😊

[@leslie.dixon.]

I legit come here for that!!! 😂❤

[@rosettesionne9139]

I feel that boundaries are a skill that needs to be learned or on the contrary, you will become either a pushover or extremely rigid, but the thing I notice is the majority of parents and authoritative figures don't teach children how to have boundaries (At least in my surroundings) due to fear that they may lose their powers. Some authoritarian parents even become physically violent when a child just says no to them, so we can't expect children who grew up in this environment to develop healthy boundaries when they become adults except if they see a therapist or a healthy figure.

[@mileyroe4877]

Very well said.

[@lindas471]

I couldn’t have said it better!

[@Momo-po5tn]

Very true

[@brienneheustess3058]

Agree with you 💫

[@AndiAlexander1]

The solution to this that you have control over is to be really conscious and intentional about your own boundaries and standards, and model that and teach it overtly when you have the opportunity.

[@pbird1638]

Boundaries is how we assert ourselves. We communicate our boundaries to others to let them know what we are comfortable with and what we are not okay with. One must have Boundaries to be Assertive. Assertiveness is how we stay true to our inner voice (live authentically) & have healthy relationships with others.

[@aurale9180]

By "Chad" you mean rapists, right? - The typical bros who think and act like women owe them sex and are aggro, violent, abusive fuckheads I'd they don't get their way? Are you one of them, or are you just jealous of their "body count" and think it's funny that they often get away with abusing women? That's the reality. They are coercive abusive predators who view humans in those hierarchy incel terms. Your cmt is very telling. Lol.

[@rowdybliss]

When I was a kid-and well into my adulthood-I was punished for having boundaries and needs. It screwed me up, big time, and affected ALL my relationships. Discovering-and assertion-of my boundaries has been an absolute revelation.

[@cinelyse2657]

Me too

[@brittani6720]

Same! If you ever feel like you’re “mentally behind” other people around you because of that, because I sure did especially when I first realized my toxic family members punished us kids for having boundaries (especially as teenagers), please know that you’re amazing for learning all of this on your own and practicing them every day! Go you, go everyone that had to make this journey all on their own 🎉

[@m.t.8185]

This woman is amazing after everything she experienced. You can tell by looking at her that she healed herself big time.

[@MonicaGunderson]

I graduated with a Speech Communications. When I worked in offices, during my yearly work performance review.... I was told I was doing my work wonderfully, getting tasks done on time, above and beyond, BUT they told me, "Your communication style is too direct and assertive"...... In Speech Communications, being direct and assertive is the best type of communication. I asked why it is wrong for me to be direct and assertive? I am trying to get the job done in the most efficient way possible, and being direct, clear, and assertive gets the message across, and the job done. I was told that the male employees felt like I was being mean and overbearing. Top it off, I would embarrass the manager and boss because I talked with assertiveness..... I guess since the owner and boss of the company never graduated college, I intimidated him. This was discussed to me during my performance review. They wanted to dumb myself down to a "Yes" man (woman), and not be so assertive and direct..... That didn't sit well with me.... I ended up quitting that job. More reasons than just that though..... I ended up getting a business license and created and sold art for a little over a decade. Now taking a hiatus due to health reasons. Was diagnosed with a painful autoimmune disease (Ankylosing Spondylitis), and started immunosuppressants in 2019.... Right now is a good time to sit back and reflect, self-care. ❤️

[@whoareyoutoaccuseme]

Happened to me many times - at work, with friends, relatives, etc. And the British, oh they HATE honest, direct, assertive women. Sexism's worse here, believe it or not. Haven't made friends, they don't take kindly to strong, unique, dominant women! I'll never bow to them. Don't care if y'all don't like me, I do what's best for me. I love myself and despite being a homebound cripple (b/c nothing's accessible here + my pain is under-treated, hate being stuck home, not by choice), I'm emotionally healthy - moreso than most. It took a long time, no way I'm undoing all the work I did to be more palatable to weak people who think they're perfect so refuse to work on themselves.

[@humairaahmed6979]

I face this similar situation at work environment ❤

[@lydiapetra1211]

You Ladies are amazing!!!! Thanks for sharing! Thanks for not compromising!

[@ciggytwiggy]

Ive never had clear boundaries because of my upbringing from my mother. The usual narcissistic behaviors. For years they spill over my romantic relationships until I really did the work on myself - meditation, affirmations, journalling, therapy you name it. I'm now in the best healthiest relationship where I can tell my partner what I need from him so he doesnt unintentionally push my buttons (not much anymore but 1 or 2 areas still need work). I literally told him last night I need your help so that I can also be a better partner for you. I HAVE NEVER known how to communicate effectively with any partner. I either blow up or withdraw completely. Boundaries are important and we can be kind while addrsssing these things to our partner.

[@spiritualeducator371]

My first experience was when I was 13. Something happened to me while I was at an audition. It effected my auditioning capabilities, where I still can't get over it. Thank God, my father was sitting in the waiting room and came into the back of the room to ask me if everything was okay. I was frozen. My father was the kind of person who would have shot that guy, had I said anything, he does not play. When we went home that day, I could not tell Dad what had happened. Even after my father has passed away, I never told him, but only my mother. I was never raped but it was a horrible experience that I have trouble getting over till this day, even though I have gone through therapy. It tremendously effected my auditions my chances of getting booked for real acting jobs!

[@sunshinegrace3293]

For this to work the relationship portion, we need to interact and be in a relationship with mature individuals. Also both parties have to have an understanding of self. I have noticed people with a huge ego or selfish, Defensiveness and baggage cannot have these agreements, understanding and respect boundaries.

[@angelinarinna5014]

This is so true. I have been trying to implement boundaries with some people in my life and I'm getting so frustrated because they just get defensive and act so selfish. It's astonishing how emotionally immature grown adults are.

[@WeRNthisToGetHer]

I come from an Italian Catholic family that handles problems the same way described. I was molested by men in my family and they basically handled it the same way. Our families didn't do the "best they could" by ignoring the problem. That's a cop out. They did what was selfishly convenient for them, even if it cost the victim more emotional damage. They could and should have done better. I don't think it's helpful to minimize or deflect the damage and harm silence and ignorance does to a survivor of child sexual abuse.

[@sayusayme7729]

Thank you, indeed

[@gerijoz5628]

I was abused and am still emotionally abused. Italian is a great culture and food but old school Sicialian up ring is not at all healthy or happy.

[@silverlining6259]

Same here.

[@pollytheparrot8929]

Soo true.. I too come from a Catholic Christian family.. I faced same situation like urs, molested by my so called bro in law.. But no one stood up for me.. They did what's convenient for them, silence , blame me, put all kinds of allegations on me, gaslight etc.. I couldn't believe it.. But came to know their true colors. It's really sad and pathetic.. I used to cry for days, had mental trauma.. But no one cared😢

[@iamgoddessoflove]

Setting boundaries is so important and healthy, as it sets the tone of our friendships and relationships. 💙KZbinr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

[@thekarmicdf]

Omg I needed this. I'm a victim too & it took me 10 yrs to say anything. When I did my mother was angry that he'd come after the house. Mad that I reported him. That really messed me up. Wow I'm a recovering alcoholic this story hits my soul thank you so much

[@redrunner3536]

Never be the victim instead be the survivor

[@LizzyBee600]

@@redrunner3536 please do not try to police how people view their traumas and experiences. Not everyone is at that step to say "survivor" and more importantly not everyone wants to get there. Wherever they are and however they choose to express that is up to them not any of us.

[@t4t806]

Be aware that you are loved and it is not your fault. At times others can be mad for you protecting yourself, go with God and let them be mad but you should not suffer from someone else's lack of boundaries and respect beautiful 🫂 big hug

[@thearodriguez8073]

@@LizzyBee600 Either is fine we are all merely victims of circumstance, every single one of us and identifying as a victim is actually more courageous and realistic as it takes time too recover, and heal anything which we survive... birth is survival and every bump, scrape fall and emotional pain we endure however minor or major.

[@LizzyBee600]

@@thearodriguez8073 I agree. I think it's up to us as individuals how we address our trauma and which words we use to recognize them. I don't mean to say one is better than the other, whatever makes you feel empowered is the word that is best for you.

[@yzma6142]

I love this podcast. I realize that when I didn’t enforce boundaries I started resenting people and myself.

[@kylielogan8771]

Communication, truth, trust, respect, compassion it’s hard to find, I realize boundaries are so important.

[@muonlyte]

My family totally EXCLUDES ME and have for decades... I'm over it now.

[@_6-6_]

I’m a man who stumbled into this. Really interesting, going to keep this in mind and pay attention to people’s body language. Didn’t realize that some people don’t know how or are scared to set boundaries!

[@retrogirl2443]

That’s exactly how I grew up in a patriarchal Italian family. Feelings were never up for discussion. Boundaries are so important!

[@lilyb2617]

I really need to hear this today. I need to buy this book! I stood up to my ex for always flirting as I found it disrespectful as it would always be sexual innuendos. We could not agree on this and he said I was irrational and scarred from my ex who cheated. I don’t feel it was. I was simply telling him how it made me feel and I think if the show was on the other foot he would not feel the same way. Whilst I’m sad right now I know it’s a blessing this has ended. 🙏🏼

[@bekindpeas]

Stay strong and steadfast Lily ❤️☮️

[@lavenderchai1613]

Same here. I am proud of you 👍🏼

[@miraculoustania6949]

thanks a lot for sharing this story! here’s a woman shining bright and speaking on youtube who once was in such a low disgraceful place… it so much testifies that we are not defined by our lows and we can be a new strong shining person by growing out of our wounds and weaknesses ❤❤❤

[@annlatham]

If I did not have boundaries I would in fact end a lot of relationships! The sooner you set them the better! I can totally relate to her and the family not wanting to say anything just to keep the peace. Great talk ladies. Thank you 🤍

[@Nina-gl7lo]

Lisa this is the best message to all women of all ages and generations. So empowering for women and gaining valuables skills for all kind of relationships. Teaching men of all ages how to treat us respectfully and fairly. This should be taught in schools. So powerful! Thank you for bringing the greatest guests. You rock girl!!!

[@annlatham]

@@Nina-gl7lo absolutely!

[@26maria_ray]

This woman is soo brave. Sending love ❤. It is very important to talk about our trauma!

[@ckl5801]

I think the inner dialogue is very important to listen to. What are you telling yourself? I remember the first time I started changing my self talk. My inner voice told me “your better than that!” when waking up and considering the cast off clothes from the night before! It was a wonderful, self aware moment!

[@sarahcouture24]

Wow. I’m so sorry that happened to you, and how poorly it was handled. Its very common to respond to something like that happening with promiscuous behavior. It’s like, well if I can’t set a boundary and everything is up for grabs anyway… might as well be in control of it and be the forward one! I think for a lot of people it’s a way to take back a sense of choice…

[@wendyface6473]

I had boundary issues with mom. And finally I texted her one night and said something to the effect of.. if you talk to me that way again.. I will not step into your house. Too many years of being pushed down and being told I'm not enough by mom. Good thing, I'm stubborn and didn't need her approval. It has been a much better 7 years, then the previous 20+ years of criticism.

[@muonlyte]

When we are able to start to talk about it...that is a place of Victory! Staying quiet is the cage! I am uncaged and soaring now!

[@kathryncothern3433]

I have set more and more Boundaries for myself over the years as I kept refining myself. They are for ME...for my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. For those who don't respect them, that's on them not me. Always being true to Me. ❤

[@muonlyte]

I had that happen and my ex would actually start texting people as if he was me!!! Completely destroyed my trust level because I didn't even have a lock on my phone. So I suffered just because I wanted to prove that I was trust worthy...now I know the boundary is NOT an indication of being rude or wrong. Knowing the difference is better than being blindsided! I haven't contacted anyone out of the embarrassment from 2-3 years ago! :(

[@pinkbronze600]

Wow. This conversation made me realize I probably need to divorce my husband. 🥺

[@kirstenbrogan5958]

So if you're feeling bad, uncomfortable, look within and takes steps to feel better. it's about us not others. I like this understanding.

[@patooter5559]

Recently found this channel and I must say, Lisa is a great host. Great listening, questions, interactions! 👏👏👏

[@jessicatoro1304]

Wow, I know I could not have done better because I couldn't. Now I can and I am doing better. That grace you give yourself is so important and needed. Thank You WOI for your videos. Very touching and go deep.

[@elenaa9132]

I've stumbled upon this podcast while browsing for something else and I couldn't stop listening to Melissa, I've watched it twice already and I'm saving it under My Favourites. It's soooo good and useful, so clearly explained, the podcast I didn't know I needed. And the “If I could have done better, I would have. I know that I couldn’t, because I didn’t.” is eye opening and soul healing. Thank you both!

[@dselectroshock1010]

Her honesty about promiscuity after abuse I think is pretty common when no skills for boundaries nor validation. Also the drug use. I appreciate her honesty.

[@ambermccutchen8451]

Boundaries are very very important to set in a relationship whether married or single in marriage is a partnership and share the responsibilities of the household duties and make the household run more smoothly sincerely yours Mrs Amber Mccutchen

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Yes it's a mutual coöperation, equal intentions.

[@bellalee6927]

I truly,love your podcast. And everything,that your speaking of is truth. I was taught,the same thing of what you spoke of your grandmother. Im,in my late 50's learning just now,how to set boundaries. Thank you,for this content. I'm so sorry Melissa,that you had to go through all of that pain. Blessings to you both.

[@AuthenticJourney]

“If I could’ve done better I would’ve and I know that I couldn’t because I didn’t” this hit me like a ton of bricks. Talk about grace and compassion. Wow!!!!

[@jenmulvaney]

Wow, Melissa. Thank you so much for telling your story and being so transparent and vulnerable! You're helping so many women with your story and your inspiration and guidance! 💗 Thank you Lisa for having such amazing guests! 👏

[@ginaingardia5570]

As someone who never really dealt with being overweight or underweight, during a time in my life due to health I was overweight from water retention from a serious health condition, and then when we finally were able to get that under control when all the water weight came off I was underweight. I really can appreciate that now because I understand how both are really hard to deal with. I had some comments on the underweight thing and was not comfortable. I think it's a lack of understanding thing bc sometimes if you aren't put in those shoes, you just don't get it. Having empathy for the person who doesn't get it helps too, bc they are unconscious of how to deal with things that are within themselves that they can't extend compassion and boundaries for themselves, therefore cannot extend to others. Like she was saying, boundaries are so important, and it teaches people how to treat you and even themselves by modeling.

[@szatanica1]

1:30:00 I swear, you will not take my HaagenDazs away from me!😂 Seriously, though, I think this is one of the most empowering interview on the channel. It’s amazing how such powerful concepts can be phrased in such a simple manner. This shouldn’t be missed, especially for women. I intend listen to the talk two more times, and most definitely read a book. Thank you both for this talk.

[@janelle2262]

I struggle alot with boundaries due to a traumatic childhood, this is very unnatural for me. It's hard for me to watch videos about this but this one I really appreciate. I know she's been there because of how compassionate she talks. Some videos aren't compassionate, it's more shaming and that's the last thing we want. It's not our fault we struggle but we need compassion and the push to do it one step at a time.

[@hira.hassan]

A beautiful self-awakening discussion.

[@marilynsookraj9116]

So proud of her for speaking about what she experienced in her life…

[@rhondamaza8598]

Grandma wanted to revel in the joy she gave through her cooking. She preferred to enjoy watching the joy she brought and eat after. She had her cake and ate it, too.

[@Katrica670]

@55:14 "..then they are NOT worthy of your parts!" Love it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣😂

[@MsAygyun]

“Man, how much do you even value our relationship, if you keep doing this, it’s not that hard to just not comment on my plate” Thanks for bringing this up!! Food habits can be so triggering

[@CassCassMaria]

Been a fan of this channel for months now, and this is the MOST, spot-on, relatable, hitting-at-just-the-right-time, episode yet lol. Thaaaaaank you, Lisa!

[@meganjohnson9781]

I feel like she’s telling a-lot of my story. I had no idea I was able to speak up for me.

[@RWB20]

I love it - so logical, sensible and civilized. (I've always felt the "don't go to bed angry" is often not doable when all I want is to get away from him in the moment)

[@mayahabchi4127]

Thank you girls, you are so amazing ❤ I have been called out by many family members because I protect my kids from passive smoking, thank you for talking about it, so people like me know that it's not them the problem, it's the others ! God bless you both XO

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Allso, generally people who think they can say anything to you, insults and put downs but if you tell them it hurts you are the difficult person with no humor etc. That makes me so angry. Humor teasing advising in a good spirit is fine but to many ppl think they can say everything to you. Disrespectful.. We all have our human flaws but there is a big difference between human flaws and dominant, controlling behaviors. Crossing the line, psychologically.

[@lena.x1853]

Thank you for this video. The story she told it happened to me😢 I felt the same. I grow as a person after therapy and constant work on myself. Do that what you do! Your program and guests are amazing!

[@crypto_beauty]

Thank you Lisa So Much for having Melissa on your show! She has this uncanny ability to make boundaries feel "reasonable" and not something we should "fear"! lol I loved the part where she states that "boundaries are not walls they are fences" and that boundaries can and should be flexible; makes complete sense and gives you permission to create positive growth and evolve in your character.

[@krissyaguilar1814]

Compassion for myself love that

[@HindustaniQueen]

Thank you for sharing your story. Sharing your experiences without the fear of judgment, rather to save the lives of other young women. I carry alot of similar experiences and I've been going through a rebirth and didn't know how to get the skeletons out of the closet. I wouldn't say they affected me as severely, thank God, but it was an experience of injustice that has been going on before I was born. It makes sense why God didn't want it to impact me as harshly but still go through it so I can actually help others who are more sensitive than me to know there is help and a way out. Thank you again for this honest content. I felt a weight diminish from my chest. You are appreciated 🌠🙏

[@Selfloveyoga1111]

Can relate to it.Didn't know how to set boundaries till late 30's

[@LinYouToo]

My mom covered things up too and when I told her what happened to me she said-years later-“where was I?” As if she never knew what was going on.

[@cmmahone]

Amazing interview..I'm buying the book, and setting boundaries with my evil Mother in law, she really is evil, but I can only control my behavior. You have just set me free

[@julierichardsonweil2616]

We need details on the evilness.

[@ckl5801]

What a powerful, beautiful and grace filled woman! I’ve gotten so much from this riveting boundary discussion! 😊

[@thewindows2thesoul]

Funny I do that same trick of not shaving my legs. This was such a helpful video.

[@arizonadesert5861]

Thank you for the beautiful show today!

[@lilalight7724]

I absolutly love this podcast ... Thank you lisa and Melissa 💕

[@Labreeziana789]

💗 This is so important for women to hear. Thank you!

[@Hanna-Nyasa]

ALWAYS THE BEST CONTENT !!! Love this channel !! Omg the alone time is spot on 🤣❤

[@zinamatthews7119]

Love this, so helpful ❤

[@merilymerily]

Such an amazing helpful conversation. ❤️❤️❤️

[@maria-ines8289]

This video is actually SO interesting! Thank you

[@NoWayJose3456]

She’s such a great interviewer

[@liljerseygirl249]

I trusted completely and i really believed I had nothing ro worry about. Then I found out he was on dating sights and dating people from them. My friends frequents dating sites an told me he was on there. He stood me up a few times for our sceduled date saying he fell asleep. Then I heard him talking to one of his friends when I was at his place. He thought I was sleeping. He was talking about the date he had on the prior night when he stood me up. I checked the datng sight my friend said he was on, and there he was. He got really angry when I confronted him about it. How am I supposed to believe or trust anyone after catching my ex husband cheating, and then years later catching my boyfrind cheating?

[@brettanderson4021]

Actions speak louder than words... trust actions

[@melaniejennings2773]

Thank You Lisa & Melissa for a Powerful Message. This REALLY resonated So Much with Me! ❤🙏🏼🔥

[@unveilingtruth526]

'ENOUGH' I could watch this one again and again! Feel inspired and free thinking about setting some difficult boundaries after hearing this. Also made me think of boundaries that would serve me that I haven't considered before. Thank you to both of you for inspiring this in me!

[@lesliehernandez8076]

Wow. This interview was so powerful to me. Thank you so much

[@TheOlgaKay]

Love this topic and found this very helpful and empowering! Thanks ladies!

[@mararamitchpeace]

Girl! This show is the reason I wake up in the morning! You are changing lives Friend! 🥰

[@marycha6664]

Thank you for this!

[@catalinas.5499]

What a beautiful conversation! Thank you thank you for open up about this ❤

[@Princess_Candi]

This is one of my favorites so far

[@itzsangelamorales]

thank you for this. ❤

[@lrsreis4802]

Thank you so much for opening your history. You are helping a lot of people. ❤🙏

[@decemberlotus]

How wonderful this is released

[@karie_brown]

Great conversation ❤

[@is15land]

that answere at 44.25 is so great. we live and learn and to forgive our self..

[@angelicapickles_]

45:00 this is profound and I wish more people felt like this towards themselves. Most people don’t choose to be in an awful situation if they have a CHOICE

[@acemanifester1401]

My god Yesss this comment is Gold to me ❤

[@angieeissa8679]

What an amazing conversation. I totally understand and I can tell you what actually happens when you try to set boundaries are you are attacked for it massively.

[@wednesday3561]

Wonderful discussion 👏🏻

[@jessicabullock2171]

I am such a fan of Melissa Urban! So glad you had her on for boundaries talk! I love how straight forward she puts things. There’s very little wiggle room for misunderstanding. And your contributions based on your experience in your marraige- nuggets of gold. Thanks Lisa!!! 💪💕

[@Momo_Mo781]

Powerful that Melissa is sharing so vulnerably on this show! Thank you so much for such platforms - Well done Mellisa x Lisa. POWER WOMEN