Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Julie Hanks, LCSW on KSL's Studio 5

[@caleuxx9108]

Setting boundries with difficult or toxic people is not only hard; the "war" that often comes is aweful.... get ready for the attacks... very often "they feel crossed and their fangs come out".... yelling, verbally aggressive judgmental attacks that may attack your character, your personality or just you as a whole... some will try to manipulate you, or they may try to get back at you in a passive-aggressive manor with silent-treatment, making "mistakes" that cause you discomfort and stress, etc.... and you will feel the emotional responses to these hurtful damaging behaviors - Dr. Cloud describes these responses from difficult ("foolish") people in the books "Boundries" and "Necessary Endings"... I also like the book "Stop, that's crazy making!" by dr.Shaler.... For me the process is so exhausting that no only am I emotionally exhausted but also my immune system was affected

[@barbm.4301]

Being firm and kind doesn't work when they don't listen to anything you say and steamroll over you. I just get angry every time that happens. And why do we want to preserve a relationship with people who don't respect our boundaries?

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Narcissists will rollover your boundary as though you did something evil by deciding how you want to do your own life. They are offended at us when they cannot control us.

[@rhythmandblues_alibi]

Sometimes you don't have a choice, ie, they're your boss.

[@medinalake6074]

Thank you. I have so much trouble with this but am learning every day to be direct (though it does take courage), and to say no without feeling guilty. I feel guilty even saying no to little things!

[@curtistinemiller4646]

Most toxic people are so prideful they continue even when you tell them,just leave toxicity to themselves..Ignorance deserves to be left....

[@moniquevamado]

Julie is brilliant. So gracious and strong.

[@DebbieLeighDriver]

This all great advice, but happens when you put in a boundaries in place and you get even less respect?, or told you are over sensitive?, ot they are not prepared to listen, or its always you?. What is the best course of action then? I am finding when I make a stand for myself people do not like it and really attempted to tear you down, or the come back with anger with "well these are my boundaries", and use emotional blackmail to attempt to control you?

[@marissar.359]

I know exactly what you are talking about, and the only way to deal with people like that is to end your relationship with them or tell them explicitly that you will not engage with them in any capacity until they respect you (stop responding to texts, hang up, don't answer the door, etc.). You can't effectively enforce boundaries until the idea of ending certain relationships if they are emotionally abusing you no longer scares you.

[@felixkhale]

@@marissar.359 Good response.

[@Conejoblanco-7726]

then you take a look at how this person isnt respecting you, your boundaries, your values, and how youre feeling... someone who is looking to "tear you down" after you have set boundaries is someone who doesnt respect you... so evaluate why youre in that relationship and putting in all this effort in the first place

[@mojo212]

I was kind and firm so many times in my situation that i had to cut ties cause the boundary crosser tried to make me feel guilty cause my boundaries didnt allow him to fullfill his compusions. Very sad...sad case..

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

It's hard to set boundaries because many people these days will cut off a relationship entirely if you place a boundary. Setting boundaries will be a weeding out of friendships. When we set a boundary no matter how nicely we do it, narcissistic people will be angry and sometimes even rage, I have actually experienced this.

[@lighthouse7728]

This was great advice, thank you. I am beginning to set boundaries with my mom, as I find conversations can be draining because they worry about things a lot. They have also invalidated my emotions, and made me feel like I can't trust myself. Now I am learning to listen to myself, and trust myself first before asking for advice of any kind from anyone.

[@jabarnes77]

Thank you so much for these segments. You rock!

[@ninokotola3737]

She is just an amazing psychologist!!

[@CherylMuir]

Beautiful conversation and flow between the two of you, and excellent practical advice for setting and reinforcing boundaries

[@caleuxx9108]

It is so hard to discover that one's emotional signals show that spending time with mother, father, brother, sister-in-law is diffucult, intolerable to impossible.

[@torilotus2264]

Great interview ladies! ❤️ Great questions paired with great anwers and examples! I really appreciate it!

[@arashghanbari5907]

wow awesome. this is gold

[@tharlay669]

At work, the old guy always trying to joke whatever I make mistakes. It’s getting worse that he starts to accuse things that I don’t even do. Now I need to stand up for myself.

[@yvonne3336]

what do you do when you set a boundary. And then they call you a name and degrade you for it because they don't like the fact that you set a boundary and that you want it respected. I get extremely angry and want to go of on them when this happens to me. How do I deal with them doing this to me in response to my boundary I set??

[@alcudiababe1]

D Nana i think you can feel the emotion but try turning it around to the lantern stance instead of the aggressive im going to kill you look. Id say that would be the first thing to do because when you loose control you're not going to come off well. If you can, say what you want to say and walk of. Dont stoop to their level and hurl some mean comments back. You're rising above this. If you feel yourself getting too worked up then addressing them right at that moment probably isnt the best time but before you get to that stage tell them you'll talk to them once they're calm and talk to other family members. Or go outside, make a coffee - its incredably difficult but saying something back will fuel the fire. Angry people want a reaction out of you and some dont stop to they get it but and even if you do respond you dont want to name call or throw hurtful coments, repeat what you've just said, stick to the facts that you dont want them to - do whatever it is they are doing...

[@alcudiababe1]

i find that some people have the gift of talking about something without making it judgmental and stepping on your toes. I might not like what they are saying, and they might be pushing my boundaries in a way but they havent crossed over that gate. A great example of giving advice is when people talk like... "when its a first child, its hard to know what exactly is required to be able to support the baby and im just letting you know if you need any help or support pick up the phone and I'll be there..." I think thats more effective, rather than inforcing yourself on someone and telling them this is what you should be doing but that you are willing to be there to help them as and when they need it. Often times people push help away, not because they dont need help but because there is the fear of someone else taking over and trying to run the show. That im sure will be another boundry setting...

[@deerheart87]

????? What

[@yuniquey1652]

very good balanced advice :-)

[@schoolofgratitude2875]

Great.

[@DarkMoonDroid]

I've never found one teacher or teaching about Boundaries that could possibly stand up to my real life. Not one. I'm starting to believe that _the idea of Boundaries_ is just not working and we need to scrap it and start over.

[@catsmeow4003]

The best teacher is life. Trial and error. Don't forget prayer and courage.

[@saia2205ify]

how do I nicely confront a chatty friend who when I finally get a chance to chime in for her to cut me off saying " I know what you mean. this happened to me... for 30 minutes when I wasn't done with my conversation?

[@justlookalittledeeper9953]

You can be calm, but you can't be "nice." What I mean is, if you choose to speak up for yourself, be prepared for then to try to make you feel like the bad guy. Your friend sounds like she's using you as only as a sounding board or an object, not a person with valid feelings. You could say, "Things between us feel out of balance when we talk. Would you be able to give me the same time to talk as I give you? Are you ok with me speaking up like this?" I had two histrionic-trait (arrested development) friends in my life and they were very entertaining and charming, but I got the feeling they didn't really see me as a person and were very self-absorbed. They were hard-core and there was no chance of changing their tactics. Check in with your feelings, define your limits (your value) and what you want to say and then be prepared for either an uncomfortable situation when you call them out, meaning the behaviour will continue ... or be prepared to walk away after you speak your truth. Good luck.

[@Sunshowers902]

How rude

[@cmmontrose1469]

Linda, I have this problem with a friend too. She cuts me off and takes over, so I never close to get to finishing what I needed to say.

[@beigebiscuit8081]

I tried three times over three years to make a point that I don't get a chance to speak. I finally walked away. I feel free. Another woman started to show the same characteristics of being a motor mouth self centred conversatiolist. I stopped her in her tracks, by not answering the phone or messages. Finally I said I'm not going to answer my phone as I can't take long conversations my kids need me I'm their only sounding board at the moment. I love the freedom of having no-one talking at me. Xx

[@rhythmandblues_alibi]

I find this the most difficult situation to get out of. Unwanted conversations where the other person just keeps talking and there's no "out" to end the conversation and walk away. Or even when I try to wrap it up, and then they just keep talking. It is so incredibly rude. I uses to feel bad or like I was being rude if I interrupted but now I've realised it's the talker who is rude, for not respecting my time. If it was a friend I would cut them loose but it is someone in a position of power so I can't just cut them out of my life. I try to avoid getting into conversations with them as much as possible by keeping things brisk and small-talky but sometimes she inevitably bails me up and I feel so drained afterwards 😓 it really sucks.

[@muminabegum7466]

I definitely needed this video!!! I find it hard to set boundaries with my older sister most of the time coz I care too much about how she might feel afterwards lol! She’s always trying to interfere with every move I make including the way I dress and my eating habits which I find rather irritating 😠 Sometimes I regret the fact that I should have spoken up at the time hence why I find myself constantly replaying it all in my head and end up clenching my teeth haha!

[@Princess06j]

Yes but ultimately what to do if the boundaries are not respected? This is the dilemma.

[@tnt01]

No contact or grey rock. No other choices.

[@ViolaHGlaze]

Narcs give no fux about boundaries

[@0129581s]

Same MUST we do! And I do

[@caleuxx9108]

What to do, when that sister-in-law is immature and has a kind of victim personality and vacillates between passive behaviour and aggressive blaming judging.....?

[@timiwoody4663]

Sounds like you are dealing with narcissists, educate yourself to cluster b personalty disorder, it can and will save your life.

[@SKF358]

Unfortunately, the "That really hurt" feedback usually obtains the response, "Good," or "So what?"

[@extremesoutherngal]

+Hans Hoerdemann Yeah I was thinking it might be more effective to replace "that really hurt" with "that's not a liberty I would have taken with you, and it's not ok to take that liberty with me either."

[@extremesoutherngal]

***** That will work too. lol

[@hiroadsntrails2525]

Very helpful...I had to set a boundry with someone who complained about her dating life and when I kindly said something she attacked me. Ive kept my distance because it's not the first time it happened it's happened more than 5 times. I finally have peace because I distance myself without having to say anything. Boundaries are very important especially if you told the person and they keep crossing the boundary....

[@gaaradesert3180]

I've done that with my sil and she doesn't listen and is so nasty

[@ernarc23]

This woman is NOT looking for an egalitarian relationship, and I'm sure she hasn't told her 'boyfriend'. What her behavior is trying (indirectly or passive-aggressively) telling him is that she's looking for someone -- either him or some guy at work -- to 'save her' from her boring workaday world or current position. A really motivated career woman would ALWAYS be actively looking for that better job, but it doesn't always actually work - geographically or otherwise - with where the guy is working or living. Clearly, they never really discussed whether they both want to be working and making the most of their careers (wherever that may take them) or if she is looking for SOMEONE to marry her -- and get her out of her sense of boredom or futility. Clearly, she's telling him that she's flirting at work because she wants HIM to make a move -- and he is just not inclined, at this time, to make a commitment to her. Sounds like he wants a woman who is more career motivated than she is, but if that's so, he has to be open to the possibility that she may have to relocate to get that better job, and that could mean they wouldn't necessarily be as close or accessible to each other. I don't know either of these folks, but it sounds like she is clearly provoking him and telling him, indirectly, that she wants someone -- (maybe someone more senior to her at work) to make her life better. SHE IS NOT MAKING AN ATTEMPT TO IMPROVE HER OWN CAREER, SO SHE'S NOT LOOKING TO DO THAT. THIS WOMAN WANTS TO BE SAVED. Why do men not get this? She is NOT a feminist. Only a feminist or a serious career woman would do what this guy wants, but then he may not have the convenience of keeping her close by, if her career takes her to another level or city or country. These days, many people have to relocate for the better job. So If they haven't dated long then he should just let her go. If they have dated a LONG time and she's playing this game, then they both have poor communication with each other and/or he could be a commitment-phobe. Either that or he or both of them have not addressed openly the male/female goals regarding career, family, geography, etc. So she's just being passive-aggressive about it and hopes he 'gets it'. But HE"S NOT...getting it, I'm afraid. She will NEVER be his equal partner professionally, from what I hear. It's just not her game.

[@ernarc23]

Incidentally, the guy I was with in the last 2 years, wanted ME to get the better job. I tried my best to get the better one nearby, and then the right job came around... WHERE? China. So what did I do, after 2 years? I took the free airplane ticket my employer offered me and got on that plane. Sometimes... you just gotta do what you gotta do. I didn't leave him for another guy (because there was no other guy). I just... changed my entire life.

[@grumpyschnauzer]

I don't know... I see my sister doing things with her kids that border abuse. Are you saying that if she says to back off because of a boundary I should not say anything? Too black and white. Maybe the person was talking too long and not allowing others to talk. When she says "Hey I want to let you know what you said yesterday hurt my feelings." That sounds like something a manipulative person would say... imagine a narcissist saying this to someone.

[@charliehobson33]

that repeated moaning about the same thing really annoys me. It totally disrespects the other persons energy.