Sex and the Avoidant Attachment Style

Sex and the avoidant attachment style. In this video psychotherapist and dating coach Craig Kenneth and Victoria Rivera discuss how intimacy is impacted by their attachment issues.
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[@CoachCraigKenneth]

You can learn a tremendous amount of on attachment styles in my Creative Healing Course! It's 🔥🔥🔥

[@gemmaburns6407]

My avoidant ex was very distant in the physical to the point I had the conversation if he was gay, you never feel sexy or attractive, they don’t ever make you feel wanted in that way 😢

[@gayleneflower398]

same!

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

True. Just a small example: I dated mine for 1 year and he never EVEN ONCE told me I looked good when I dressed up or anything, zero, zilch, not one single compliment! In a year. Yet he claimed he was in love with me.

[@gemmaburns6407]

@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 So true! You go for a meal and expect a little romance and want to feel attractive to your partner and there’s nothing 😅

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@gemmaburns6407 Amen, that's it! And it's not as if I long for someone to shower me with compliments all the time but, my gosh, never ONCE in a year??? That is just cold-hearted, particularly when he'd said he was falling for me. Never, ever again, will I date a person with this affliction!

[@user-lb1ry4yp1z]

​@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 Me too: after 14 months of dating, he never complimented me on my beauty. Even after I had my nails done for a month, he suddenly said: 【Your nails are so beautiful!...】 He never praises my beatiful [sky garden]! Although he is obsessed... Of course, he didn't even mention missing me. Once I plucked up the courage to ask him: Do you miss me? (Because it was more than 3 months before we met again) He rolled his eyes and said, "A little bit..." Hallelujah! To the avoidant, telling the truth is equivalent to killing them, what a shame! ___ Actually, I know very well that he misses me very much: during the time when we "lost contact", he was very shy and even dialed my Close FR number! He wanted to know where I was... But he rather risk call my close friends, he never calls me, not even MSG....

[@ManCavePodcast617]

This is me all the way! I first learned to forgive myself and also ask fkr forgiveness for anybody i affected by my attachment style. With the knowledge it's all about growing and healing. I will be better from this. Thank you 💎

[@katemoffitt1641]

I’m finally dating again after the avoidant disrupted my life with his love bombing & discard 4 months later. I’ve known him 30 years. He started “us” up again saying things like “u are the love of my life” and so on. He wasn’t even on my radar this time but I fell for it hook line & sinker. We weren’t intimate until 4 months in… and he discarded me immediately afterward. Threw me right off a cliff. It’s been over a year now. I don’t expect to get over it. Not sure I will ever be in a sexual relationship again. It’s damaged me beyond repair IMO. 💔 So yes the avoidant is damaged… but it’s not just them we should have concerns abt. Love u two. Thanks for the incredible insight. ❤

[@sethtenrec]

Hey Kate, I need to challenge your “damaged beyond repair” comment. Not specific to you, but people recover from much worse than being dropped after four months. Much worse. I believe you can (and will) do it.

[@theunreal1271]

​@@sethtenrecthere is a breaking point for everyone. Once you've reached that point there is no comeback.

[@ketosisweightloss9480]

​@@sethtenrec it's called CODEPENDENCY but she'd rather pin the blame on the other party than heal

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

I would say every dog I've ever met is more emotionally healthy than my avoidant exes.. it seems for me to be with an avoidant partner is just abusive to myself.. I understand it can be very difficult to feel like you lost an avoidant partner but you probably never had them anyway and it's probably best to let them go on with their avoidant self. sometimes they are not ready or are not yet capable of any kind of healthy relationship. if they are not interested in getting better, changing or healing then there is nothing anybody can do for them. a joke: how many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb.. only one but it takes time and the light bulb has to WANT to change.

[@nunolopes8926]

F your avoidment ex bro 😂 they all do the same

[@kendallcjones9032]

I have to agree with 100%. Having a relationship with an avoidant woman is a roller coaster (most often the avoidant female is struggling with sexual abuse from childhood); one has to be open to facing their pain in order to heal it. Most often they do not want to have to face their pain.

[@juliascorey999]

Have to agree ,explains why I have four dogs lol

[@IvanaGirl]

Yea just like my ex who never agreed on going to therapy to fix his anger issues and how he was mistreating me but never went. I kept pushing him to go but he never really cared to do it

[@StartingFromNothing]

You sir, are completely right.

[@misterhenchmen]

really good video thank you. I also wanted to add that a couple times I've been with an avoidant guy who tried push and push for the physical and then if I agreed and went ahead with it, he then tried to transfer his shame on to me & act like he was surprised by being physical almost like since I'm a girl I'm supposed to reject him....?? so that made me feel awful because I was just trying to be cooperative and close with him. tough subject but its good to talk about

[@misterhenchmen]

@@sloanmagnum5009 obviously you're missing the point but thanks for trying lol

[@misterhenchmen]

@@sloanmagnum5009 hahaahaha ohhh ok wow that's cute. again, thanks for trying to understand, but nope you still don't get it but you'll be ok.

[@misterhenchmen]

@@sherriflemming3218 thank you! I know other women have been thru this type of crap too. men shaming women is so ridiculous.

[@mariotibbrine1]

Rejection sucks.

[@eileendom5858]

This is interesting to me because I kept thinking my DA was not aroused by me or I wasn’t sexy enough. He said he found me very sexy and was aroused but he had an erectile disfunction. But if we engaged in some sort of S&M, it would arouse him. He also made me feel like wanting sex was a bad thing as if I was se abused at some point in my life and that was hurtful.

[@user-uc1oy3zk4t]

That's common among narcisists

[@eileendom5858]

@@user-uc1oy3zk4t lol … you know what? Being on this journey, I am finding everything is pointing to him actually being a narcissist. Thanks

[@davidbailey1718]

😮WWOOOOOWWWW, this was a very insightful video. Well done guys. Perfect timing for this anxious and his avoidant

[@philmertz243]

I wish I cited have saw this video 6 months ago even 3 months ago.. but 10 years ago would have been even better.

[@user-ee1fn4vt8b]

lol this nails a certain someone I know who's a hard dismissive avoidant, down to the hyper-vigilance about safe sex and contraception LOL

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Why not talk about the major issue of sexual abuse especially by a close family member that shapes the DA and AP views of sex and intimacy

[@captainbligh3894]

What I particularly like about you two ( and Margaret as I feel she is always there ) is how you joke and laugh about such serious subjects , which really does lighten the load . Very well done . PS , one year on to the day , I think I had an “ indirect- direct approach from my ex. Uncanny thing was I started dating a new girl that week. It was me who was the avoidant by the way , it’s an awful burden .

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

They sensed a disturbance in the force!

[@OxysLokiMoros]

To be in relationship with an avoidant partner is torture. They just don't care about your feelings and will always hurt you. Leave to relationship as soon as possible, they don't change. They will never be a loving partner for you, even if they love bomb you in the beginning.

[@kp5870]

The DA I was dating wanted to rush the physical intimacy before building emotional connection yet he says he needs an emotional one before doing it. So it didn’t align. I also didn’t really get any questions of depth. I think he left because even I was somewhat intimate with him, he was wanting to rush to bf gf stage I think to just get sex.

[@BruceJC75]

We could talk about it openly with excitement and anticipation, but when we finally got the opportunity, which we went away to a hotel for, she couldn’t even kiss me with any kind of passion.

[@OlderWomenRock]

My avoidant ex and I were amazingly compatible sexually . He was patient and giving . Yes He put a lot of emphasis on sexual chemistry He could not give Me any emotional intimacy He saw Love separately He could not develop deeper feelings or Love He even said Our chemistry is amazing but it’s not Love I of course didn’t feel that way . I bonded to him with sex

[@krisw2791]

Such an eye opener! Thanks

[@sarahp8435]

Hi guys, could you maybe follow this up with how does an anxious person deal with an avoidant after sex. What do we do. Thx

[@talksick508]

I wanna kno how an anxious person who doesn’t sleep around and rather one person can want to be with someone who just sleeps with whoever Ppl are ppl That’s all I know 🤨

[@ketosisweightloss9480]

​@@talksick508 that's ironic for you to say. Of all insecure attachment styles, anxious people are the most promiscuous as they see sex as a way of providing their love for others. Add in the fact that they can't be alone for a second and jump from relationship to relationship.

[@whatever5026]

@ketosisweightloss9480 Im more on the anxious spectrum and after dealing with an extreme avoidant I didnt have sex and wasnt in a relationship for 3 years. I didn’t cheat on him. The overgeneralisation you make is probably a confirmation bias on your part

[@ketosisweightloss9480]

@@whatever5026 research on it. Anxious attachment style wants to sleep with someone they've met within the first week or two.

[@user-yf1mv5ji3e]

I'm a DA. From my own experience saying something positive while letting me know what is needed is good. If you say "Hey can stay around and hold me after? I like it a lot. " That works on me.

[@seanmurray8439]

Suspected DA was with: Didn't like talking about sex. Had almost repressed attitude towards it like some kind of old school Catholic. One occasion made my initiation of sex very weird..as if I made them feel obligated to do it. It felt very off. Lights off usually during too.

[@MahamSuhail]

Whats with avoidants not doing the things in bed thst they KNOW would make you happy! That u have been asking them or demanding of them to do? Is this leaning more narcisstic than avoidant, would you say?

[@lesleysole6427]

My current partner doesn't hace a problem in this area ..he doesn't always say he likes ..

[@user-ov9cq4hj9i]

Thanks you very much! I was looking long after these explanation.I Am secure and think my partner is an avoidant.we tried to figure out whats wrong with him....after sex he did not even handle to be touch..if i touch him it feel very bad for him... I cant understand how is it possible..and he can not explain me exactly what s happened with him.He is never sleeping in my place....and if we got more closure emotional..he is running away for a while...is it normal behaviour? How many man are actually like this? Procent?

[@mariamoncadajamaicamelovet3995]

My Last two and a half years of hell 😢. Thanks for this video.

[@ThanksWyatt]

Avoid avoidants

[@Seephora]

Thank you it's very accurate

[@anniechkazhu5386]

thank you! This video makes so much sense to me (im avoidant)

[@mikegarrens5286]

My ex always talked about sex but when it came time to start....nothing!

[@soulsfood4354]

@@mikegarrens5286 when it came time to start....nothing! Hahah....

[@LonelyRider87]

Us Fearful Avoidants love sexytime. We use it to bond without erm...being "too vulnerable." We can also keep you at arms length which ironically probably means you're getting in & that scares us. 🚪🏡

[@iloveTool]

As a Fearful Avoidant agreed except for when that person you're with is another avoidant, particularly dismissive. That's the only time I start feeling super anxious inside emotionally.

[@LonelyRider87]

@@iloveTool Yes, DAs can swing us into the AP side of our attachment style. I don't date them but I've had DA crushes & it wasn't fun being toyed with then ignored. No ty.

[@michaelwatts207]

Thx, guys

[@alexblainelayter7703]

This was a really useful video, thank you!

[@CorinneWoods]

I have a weird question..ok, I’m over my ex and I wouldn’t get back together with him because I know I would just be putting myself thru a repetitive toxic cycle with a serial cheater and the relationship would never go anywhere…but there’s 1 problem..for some reason he’s always on my mind. I dont want to think about him, it’s not pleasurable by any means but it’s like everyday he’s on my mind. Do you have any idea why is this happening?? lol i probably sound crazy. I should give you my background: I was raised by a mother that has NPD and was emotionally and physically abusive. I did almost 5 years of therapy and I’ve turned my life around. I went from being co dependent to making healthy decisions when it comes to romantic partners and relationships. I don’t need to be validated by men anymore and right now I’m single and happy. I just have this 1 problem…anyway, thank you for putting out this informative content. You guys are awesome. 😊

[@defiantenergy]

Sounds like your subconscious mind recognizes the connection on things that matter to you. He met some core needs of yours more than probably any other person. That shit is hard to find. I bet if you ask yourself if he actually changed and was able to provide you with peace in the relationship, would you be in. Sounds like you would be. Even if you wouldn't now because the damage was done, you probably wish it would have went differently.

[@CorinneWoods]

@@defiantenergy Wow. That’s crazy you say that because I just told my friend that it feels like my subconscious keeps nudging me telling me to not forget him. And yes, if he were to get into therapy and understood his behavior and was actively trying to change it, I would think about giving him another chance. I’d be wary of him tho. It’s just crazy to me because I’m totally over him! It’s really bizarre.

[@defiantenergy]

Youre over the trauma, not the connection. Hope it works out for you either way.

[@lisam1479]

I feel same way. I think of him everyday multiple times a day. I don't get it. I know we can't be together cause I would loose my mind or end up in jail. He makes me so angry. But still I watch videos about him... think about him... it's been 3 yrs. I've felt the same the whole time. I'm fearful avoidant. I think it's trauma from our childhood that makes us want them... but if I had more self esteem more self love would I feel the same?? Probably not. They are assholes. Basically seems like they are narcissistic.

[@sethtenrec]

@@CorinneWoods We are talking about obsession here, it is about your dreams, about your desire and hopes for what you saw as potentially there. It’s all about your mind, not about him. You could get therapy for this, if you had a good therapist it would help (they’re not all good). Anyway, obsession is inside you.

[@couldstrife1]

How long would an avoidant stay with you? I’m trying to figure out what my exs attachment style. We was together 10 years Also trying to figure out what style I am

[@roseclimbpaintcont]

Oh hell yes I love that Coach. Vicky said if it's only 5 minutes you better go twice. I have literally made guys do that 🤣🤣🤣

[@isabellesender]

You forgot childhood sexual abuse for the DA. Sex could be repugnant.

[@mikegarrens5286]

I think that would be too deep for them, but a very good point!!!!

[@johnnycalderon9951]

Omgggggg this is my ex girlfriend 😢 didnt even know all this was a thing smh

[@bandida99]

Thank you; so very helpful

[@enloveyduvey001]

thank you

[@christopherbullens5494]

Wow. You just. Described my parents

[@monasimu3572]

Why is that avoidants are so much into you, sexually, in the begining?

[@lesleysole6427]

With my kids always been open about sex

[@AmberSmith-td1nb]

Our sex was often until we became a couple, then none .😕

[@BopCentral808]

SAME? She was crazy over me in the car and all! now sex is like once a month

[@rickyanderson2505]

A psycho therapist??? jeez, I was hoping to find a therapist with an even head on their shoulders

[@williewonka6694]

Well,.....good luck with that.

[@kerrywachira]

I didn't understand anything from this video 😢😮

[@anilbalram7768]

Shouldn't we heal before we try to use sex? Sex just makes things more complicated

[@AZMR240SX]

If sexual avoidance is part of the problem, sexual avoidance is not going to be part of the solution.

[@ashleemarie8779]

I’d argue you aren’t healed until you go through that part as well. But I think it probably shouldn’t be the first step lol

[@timber2533]

First

[@jannissen4382]

Second 😆

[@jannissen4382]

Btw a very informative video as always

[@timber2533]

@@jannissen4382 Yes much needed good delivery

[@jannissen4382]

@@timber2533 yes

[@MedusasSnakePit]

This is so cruel. I give up

[@IbrahimHoldsForth]

i wish i was normal oh allah why didn't you make me normal?

[@lesleysole6427]

Stud bt Craig..😂😂😂

[@soulsfood4354]

That was literally a fire scene!!! My ex is a virgin and he loves talking about sex, BUT, the only time we bring it up, his face turns red like a purple eggplant, it’s horrible...

[@soulsfood4354]

Girls! You fell in love with the man who least understands and expresses love in the world... This is ridiculous and sad - if you don't have a strong will and love them unswervingly, then you will indeed If you get unimaginable happiness (but too little), I advise you to leave! And the sooner the better! Otherwise, you are a prisoner in prison