What Love Feels Like For The Avoidant Attachment Style

When learning about attachment styles, it can be hard to conceptualize how other's experience love. In this video, we discuss what love is like for those with more avoidant attachment styles. Understanding the experience of the different attachment styles can help to increase your empathy for others and understanding of your partner's behaviors.
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[@CoachCraigKenneth]

If you are new to our channel, we are experts in both mental health and breakups. We have over 1000 videos that will enlighten you on both!

[@Cv_224]

Lmfao ain’t that something! It’s helping tho! 😂🙈fml

[@meesrobert]

Hey Craig and Victoria, First of all my condolences for your loss of Margareth, she was a very special devoted person and I think it is a great loss for the world that she passed away. I wish you all the strength in the world to deal and heal from it! 3 Mees

[@jackiep6540]

@@tonycharles3566 hi:)

[@museoflove8255]

My boy friend is avoidant but its very difficult to have them go to therapy

[@karami8844]

I identify with the avoidant attachment style. Growing up, my parents provided us with everything (food, clothing, shelter~the basics). But our emotional needs weren’t really met. We were shut out if we cried and silenced if we got mad. From a young age I learned to hide my feelings, especially the negative ones, and never really cried in front of my parents. My mom especially did not like me openly crying or throwing angry outbursts. As a girl, it really affected me but I just learned to keep everything to myself. I never talked to her about my friends, what I was going through in middle school or high school, my emotional ups and downs. Even today at 35, I never talk to her about my job or much of anything else about what I’m going through. As a result of repressing my emotions, I have a hard time making friends. I’m not really close to anybody, and not even married. I don’t know how to show physical love because I’m really uncomfortable with it. I don’t really like hugs or cuddles. I’ve caught myself dissociating whenever there’s an argument with my mom. I go off into my imaginary world while she reprimands me. When it’s all over, I don’t remember what she told me and she gets even madder with me because of it. I’ve grown used to numbing myself so I don’t crack in front of her. Sometimes I can’t handle it and I might allow myself to cry, but I do it when I’m alone, either in my car while driving to work or when I’m walking my dog. It’s tough. 😢

[@amandalindsey1602]

Wow… I relate to this on such a deep level. Sounds exactly like my upbringing as well. You’re not alone.

[@nordicnomadVII]

I have a very similar view of my life, I’m 35, but I’m a guy. I find it easy it shut people out and just do my own thing. Last year, the couple friends I had gotten close to moved thousands of miles away. It just made it easier to do stuff by myself. I don’t talk to my parents about my life, I don’t show anger or sadness in front of anyone, especially my parents. I know when I was a kid, my mom was really sick and I was taken out of school in 4th grade. My dad worked extra hours to support medical costs and my daily activities were helping my mom out of bed and doing all the cleaning and cooking to pick up where she couldn’t do things. My younger sisters stayed in school and both grew up to get married and have kids. I would love to be married with kids, but it’s also so uncomfortable to think of that process to build that. I also show emotion alone and talk to my dog when those moments happen. But no one will witness it. Then a couple years ago, I thought I had found someone to marry and it ended up being a narcissist toxic relationship that ended very bad. I opened up to her and let her in to my world and it went south. And I know that only reinforced that view I know I have where it’s just easier to do things on my own. It’s super tough. But I think I relate to how you feel.

[@tuberose8607]

Same here

[@illahee24]

As an anxious preoccupied, it's so hard to comprehend that someone can be so opposite of me

[@Jimmymcguill2020]

I can relate with you as well.

[@ChrisLT]

It's interesting how no one really knows about this (til they have a break up and search KZbin). I started watching these videos last year, learned a ton about attachment, and if relationships come up in conversation I haven't had one person say "oh yeah, attachment styles!" Surprisingly, everyone says "what's that" and asks for more info. Had a friend last week mention that she had no idea til I mentioned the Attached book months ago, and she since looked into it, too. And now she's spreading the good word.

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

Exactly.... i never knew

[@gabriellebu]

yes, I think it is because if you go through a break-up and focus on the self development phase you discover these. Someone who is happy single or pleased in their dating life is less likely to find this information because they might be in a secured relationship where conflicts do not usually end in a traumatic event like a break-up and communicating with the partner is very easy. I found out about these attachment styles only after my first break-up . So right now as an anxious in recovery I work to reach a secure style to have a better relationship next time and to feel more intune with my feelings. Forget the ex, he is an ex for a reason, do no contact them and improve your mental health, so you recognize insecure attachments and work better with them next time. Good luck to you all I know it is though but you can do it!

[@adoptioncorner1984]

That's what brought me here

[@LilPad303]

So true. I was unaware of attachment styles until a break up occurred. I wish I had learned about this when I was IN the relationship. I, too, am spreading the word and sharing Craig's KZbin channel. THANK YOU Craig and your team for ALL you're doing to help others. -Lily in Vegas.

[@PussInBoot414]

They really should teach this in school, it would probably save a lot of heartbreak.

[@SoundHashiraX]

I truly hope us avoidants are able to become more secure in our relationships. Wishing everyone good luck 🤞🏾

[@derrickmoon3296]

You ppl cause the anxiety in your partner that you hate the most. So reach out more often call or even text a little more this reassures your partner

[@brandonf24]

It doesn't matter if you and your partner knows their attachment style if you cannot COMMUNICATE. It's good to know, but it doesn't do much by itself. Like love...sometimes it's just not enough.

[@Elenamiaka]

I have this type of issue in my life. And yes its true it can really be exhausting to try and give love and affection to someone when I myself did not not receive that same love when I was young. But I’m a work in progress. With God’s help I know I can overcome them. Thank you for sharing this topic. More power!

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@nwosungozi5463]

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[@nwosungozi5463]

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[@karenwade6713]

I am dealing with this right now as I was blindsided broken up with 6 days ago by my boyfriend of 5 years. We're more mature, I'm 56 he's 62. We were on the same page about marriage, living together, etc. We've had a wonderful time together and didn't argue or fight. He is definitely an avoidant. He suffered horrible physical and mental abuse as a young child, was put in an orphanage, foster care and eventually adopted by a loving couple. He told me last week that he had to listen to what was in his head and go back to being alone like before we met. I am so heartbroken and my heart hurts for him that he can't get past his fears. All thru these 5 years he has said how thankful he is for me and my family, who love him dearly. I guess it was too much for him, he used to joke that I would leave him and I said that wouldn't happen. He never said he didn't love me or wasn't attracted to me so I can only surmise the reason for the breakup was to protect himself. He was so checked out when he did it, just like the video Craig had on No Contact and the Power of Time. I'm just so broken... thank you for letting me vent. And I'm an anxious type. Tough combo......

[@imperialgrind3128]

Any update?

[@karenwade6713]

@@imperialgrind3128 I went NC for 2 months and then saw him driving in front of me down a street near where we both live. I broke down and called to say hi I saw you. He actually answered and we made some small talk. When I started to say I wish we could talk and what happened, he just said nope we're not going down that road. You'll be fine it takes time. He wouldn't let me get a word in. So it was not a great thing. He either definitely has not had the time to sit in grief over this or he is one of the 3 percent that is stubborn. I was doing better till then, it's still so hard some days. All the coaches say exes come back at some point but deep down I don't see it happening. He told me that all he does is work a lot to say busy, go to the bar and come home. I already knew he was doing that. I asked if there was someone else and he said absolutely not. Now I'm just trying to still do the work and move ahead. It's exhausting.

[@Challenger2A7]

@@karenwade6713 Sorry, Karen, but I can't help feeling he's got someone else, and it's been going on for a while. Men will say anything to get out of a situation they no longer want. You deserve better.

[@karenwade6713]

@@Challenger2A7 thank you. Boy if that was the case I would have ended it a long time ago first because that's a deal breaker for me. Starting to turn the corner slowly.

[@GirlyButScrappy]

@@karenwade6713 That's the thing with cheaters, they don't want you to end things first. They want you as a backup in case the affair doesn't work out. Also it might not have been at the point of full on affair yet, he might have only had a crush and wasn't sure how she felt so he again kept you as a back up and then once she reciprocated, he left you. There's a chance neither case is true, but it sounds likely to me. Avoidant people don't spend years in a relationship just to jump ship out of no where. I'm so sorry he hurt you like that. I hope you're continuing to heal and move on the best you can. Best of luck to you.

[@dylangeorgefield]

Thanks to a friend and you both. I've discovered I'm avoidant, in an anxious-avoidant relationship. It stems from neglect as a child and bullying from my siblings. My parents worked and the 'kids' looked after me. I remember the day I was crying and I jumped on my bed and told myself 'emotions are useless'. This is because telling my siblings how I felt caused bullying and harassment. So, I shut off. I recall telling myself, to trust no one but myself. Now I'm older, it has severely impacted my life. I can now use what you've share with me to heal us both and truly love each other the way we were supposed to as kids. Thank you.

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

Check out my Creative Healing Course!

[@dylangeorgefield]

Will do mate, thank you 🙏

[@mollydooker9636]

I’m an avoidant and the thing I’ve noticed is what you describe about neglect “ just get with it” style of parenting , was for many people like myself growing up (in my case Ireland ) in the late 60’s , early 70’s the standard parenting model. A lot of people I know did not have close and affectionate relationships with their parents. We knew they loved us at intellectually but we didn’t feel it. I don’t blame my parents they were a product of their own childhoods in poverty in the 20’s and 30’s.

[@flower_7890]

Same here, I was very resentful at my parents until I've started to work on myself and " discovered" / learnt/ tried to understand their point of view/ their childhood. So after forgiving them it's now them to relearn all the core beliefs, unhealthy ( avoidant) patters of mine which is a very hard work but I'm determined to do it, I take small steps but I'm very dedicated and open and let me tell you how much better I already feel. I've stopped dating and just started to build closer relationship with my friend and family first. I'm on my way!!!...😊❤

[@KaraCreates17]

Thank you for your kindness. I've been learning about attachment styles and have become aware that I have an avoidant attachment style. All my adult life, I thought I was just very introverted...but I realized I'm very introverted because I have an avoidant attachment style. But some videos I've seen have felt very condemning, referring to "avoidants" as "damaged", "hurt", and advising people to distance themselves from avoidants and not let it rub off on them. And while that may be good advice, it can feel very isolating as someone who was not even self-aware of my unhealthy processing. Anyways. Just wanted to thank you for being kind and understanding.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

It can help if you recognise that you have adopted a fight or flight survival mode in childhood and got trapped in it. The world outside is not automatically going to hurt you, stab you in the back, trample your vulnerabilities or get in the way. Search out truly trustworthy people and allow yourself to trust a little, bit by bit. (Adam Lane Smith has excellent videos and a good system for checking out who can be trusted )

[@sally5256]

Great info. Love may not be “familiar”; love can feel “overwhelming”; they have a “skewed” idea of love; love is “ten times” more exhausting because they may have to take care of themselves emotionally. Thank you!

[@tasneemyccullah5680]

As an avoidant we grew up having our physical needs met but not our emotional need , so we learned to love in service, meaning if you need something we are there but just not emotional stuff... we grew up being the listeners but we don't share our emotions because we grew up thinking our feelings didn't matter as much 💔 that our opinions are not of importance some how, when my psychologist told me I'm emotionally unavailable and suggested that I keep a journal on how I'm feeling everyday, because I'm not sure I myself know how I feel ,and to share that with someone is overwhelming , I remember one exercise she made me do was to ask my best friend why she wasn't there for me as I was there for her ,her answer shocked me, she said : " you don't allow people to be there for you ,you don't share how you feeling, you don't include us in your space and it hurts not being include or feeling needed by someone you love and care for " and here I was thinking I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems. I think when you all share your thoughts we go into fixing mode and sharing our thoughts are the last thing on our mind ,but in reality you're just share all of yourself with us and just want us to do the same. Still learning

[@fitforfreelance]

The best thing you can do is practice being secure with yourself. It can be hard sometimes!

[@juliansaiz5714]

I think I suffer from this, I know I’ve always had commitment issues but it’s not from being a “player” but most of these bullet points hit my emotions right on point weird having someone explain how I feel put into words

[@hellomybaby7486]

Have a lot of your exes accused u of being a player?

[@mzdejavu3419]

I have more of an avoidant attachment style that I have been aware of for awhile and been working on it. I don’t like when a person come on so strong when it comes to building a relationship. That in itself can be uncomfortable. I prefer my relationships to have a natural flow and unfold organically. I have always had long term relationships that worked. I shared my feelings as well as my partner. I didn’t have a probably giving and receiving affection. The last guy I dated came on very strong and although I wanted to take it slow, it just spiraled out of control. Its not always solely an avoidant fault for the failure of a relationship.

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@iloveTool]

Very good point, there's a lot of ganging up on us avoidants in here lol All the insecure attachment styles have their problems.

[@flower_7890]

What if you're more secure than you think 🤔 you've had long term relationships and like to start slow...that indicates you're more secure😊 the fact that you were put off by someone who was too much too soon only means you're more healthy emotionally than you think of yourself. Well done to you sister 🎉😊

[@saloha808]

After watching this video, I realize that both my ex and I are more on the avoidant side. We both grew up with parents who did not provide enough emotional support. I really resonate with the part of the video that said “sometimes love can feel like a chore” and now I understand why. I used to think to myself “what is wrong with me? Why am I always too tired to provide my partner with what he needs?” Now I understand why. He on the other hand has other mental health issues that would make him truly believe that whenever I acted like loving him was a chore, it automatically meant that he was hard to love, or that he was a burden. None of those statements are true. But no matter what I say or what I do he would never believe me. I just wish I knew back then.

[@bridgetmakesmovies]

This is very enlightening. I’ll be avoiding avoidant people in the future.

[@fsol4595]

This is so hurtful. I was going out with this guy, and things moved on fast. then out of the blue, he dumped me. sometime later he reached out saying how much he missed me, and he wanted a second chance. I did, he tells me he wants to be in a relationship, and I say "let's take it slow", then less than a week later I get told he feels very uncomfortable with me expressing affection, and that I should lower my expectations about him. I felt so played and insulted.

[@allthingsjana7870]

Yeah walked away from one 2.days ago..couldn't take the lack.of communication on his part.

[@ThaQueen5566]

This was such a good way to explain it. This is how I felt most of my life, I just recently started going to therapy and I did make me realize a lot.

[@icehotgaming]

I think I'm an avoidant, i have massive commitment issues, I run away whenever the M word is mentioned, i would always run back to my own place when my ex wanted me to stay over, i would never cuddle, and i wouldn't initiate much (sexually etc), she always said i had no empathy and couldn't care for her, i wouldn't setup dates, wouldn't contact her for days (sometimes even weeks on end)... I loved her to bits, but she eventually got fed up and left (unfortunately in a monkey branching way)... It was only after she left I realised how much I did love her, but it's too late now... honestly I was just scared shitless, and now I'm alone, fantastic, thanks Mum and Dad.

[@bunniewood]

No offence but you sound terrible to date

[@MissSarahGM]

Icehot if you have realised all this now, why not do the self-reflection and start to change? So you felt the love all along, but would repress it? That's how I felt with my avoidant, in the beginning he was more open hearted. But soon he started to act colder, not initiate cuddle or sex, or act like it was a favour for me. One time I even caught him about to hug me, and refrain himself and turned to the dog instead! I could tell he loved me because of many things, but he would really try hard not to make it show! We all have stuff and issues, all insecure people, but now we need to take responsibility for it to heal ourselves and not hurt other people who could love us.

[@icehotgaming]

@@bunniewood None taken, I probably am lol

[@icehotgaming]

@@MissSarahGM Yes tbh, I didn't know any of this before the breakup, so it's definitely forced me to learn something about myself, and as it's now something I'm consciously aware of I can do something about it next time (if there is a next time). And you're right during the honeymoon phase none of this would show up, it was only later on for me too. I don't think I was as bad as I never cuddled, I would do it sometimes, and if she mentioned the issues to me, I would consciously try and sort it out for a while until I'd revert to what felt more natural to me. But anyway it's too late for the last relationship, but as I said I'm aware of it now, so I can consciously do something about it in future, even if sub-consciously I want to run for the hills lol.

[@MissSarahGM]

​@@icehotgaming It is very positive if you are becoming self-aware, you can be proud. It would be helpful to investigate the underlying fears and beliefs about relationships and love that make you act this way. So you can start to see what created them and question their validity. Researching on avoidant style online or through therapy. My avoidant would also correct some behaviours after I pointed them out, but he would revert to his solo mindset and "I should close my heart no matter what". I could tell he was convinced a relationship is doomed, he can't be loved for who he is and so he needed to end it preemptively. When he would act dismissive and volatile, I felt like it was a way to test my love. If I would stay or abandon him like he probably thought. If you think about it, it's like a child acting out and testing his mom's love and boundaries. I remember I told him I'm not your mother, if you continue to abuse me and ignore me like that, I won't put up with it. There is a lot of trauma from childhood to be dealt with, is what struck me. I feel like he was reenacting the bad mom/ good mom trauma with me. Your ex probably felt taken for granted, not wanted and abandoned. I don't know when was your breakup, but if you start to work on yourself, become more mindful of your patterns, it will take some time, you can always repair things. It could be telling her how much you regret all your behaviours and are willing to be more open and communicative. Like you said, this painful event forced you to learn about yourself, and now you are more aware of your inner conflict : that you not only are afraid of commitment and relationships, but you also want love and closeness in your life.

[@Pianowithmitchy]

I was severely abused, sexually and physically and emotionally as a child. I seem to always need a lot of reassurances in my relationships, and always feeling inadequate and needing to prove my worth. I have anxious attachment due to this, and have experienced many breakups. Your videos are very helpful, but could you please do a video pertaining to those who suffered severe trauma and abuse.

[@missbluerain]

There's a channel called "the crappy childhood fairy" she covers all trauma issues from childhood and how it affects us today. Check it out. And best of luck with your healing journey.

[@rebeccasuraci7666]

She’s soo good

[@bernadettemeade7259]

You're a fearful avoidant

[@GurpreetBrar-ht5cs]

I don’t know about you but I have the same childhood as you. I became an alcoholic for decades. Five years ago I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I recommend doing the inner work using the steps to everyone. It’s a game changer. No therapist does it like this and it’s tools for deprogramming yourself of childhood programming. You’ll go through your psyche and pull out all the hidden. Stories in your subconscious which is causing suffering because they are lies. You have to dredge it up to see it and clear it out. I went thigh decades of therapy. And I swear this helped me the most. I awakened to who I really am and that I was awake and aware throughout my trauma and facing it only made me stronger courageous and powerfilled. I hope this helps.

[@jbprice6490]

Dude this little video changed my life. It gave insight into a woman I’m in love with. It helped me understand her behavior

[@johnnysmith1945]

Love the videos Craig, they helped me a lot through a really tough break up (with an avoidant). A lot of stuff makes sense after watching them.

[@MrWilson1]

You and me both.

[@allisonthompson6548]

Thankyou Craig Kenneth for helping me understand how the avoidant guy I am seeing feels. Your videos have opened my eyes.

[@lehuananichai3947]

Thank you for this helpful video. It is uncomfortable to be in a relationship with an avoidant however this information encourages it is possible to be happy in a harmonious relationship with one. Although I’ve been in an intimate relationship for 2 years, I just realized he is an avoidant.

[@MissSarahGM]

My avoidant has a seemingly nice and close family. I think it's more enmeshment and overwhelming expectations from the parents, that made him feel shame and being not enough. The core of the avoidance. The mom was warm and a bit lacking boundaries when she talked to me. Like she knew everything about her 39 yo son. She told me that if she had to do it again, she wouldn't marry or have kids. Which struck me, because she remarried her husband after divorce, so saying that is a bit weird. I get how my ex would feel that a relationship will be smothering and a loss of identity. Also the father was alcoholic and seems quite cold. It looks like a codependent family system. All three children used drugs. I think my avoidant is too enmeshed and can't make decisions on his own. Even about our relationship, when he had doubts, he would talk to his mom and sister. Instead of me. He has never had a longer relationship than a few months. Very sad. Sometimes the family is enabling, like the mom saying "oh X is independent, I wonder why he was dating".. Like it's his destiny to remain alone and only have flings.

[@fujimotochiaki2487]

My ex also faced abuse growing up, wants nothing to do with his family (only a select few he's closest to).

[@acd1168]

They are enmeshed. I left a man like that. His mom was very involved in his life. His dad would go through his stuff and open his mail. It is so weird

[@MissSarahGM]

@@acd1168 Was he also an avoidant type? He was very volatile with me, easily changed his mind about breaking up and I think his mom played a big role. She suggested to me that because it was too much for my boyfriend living together, we could meet for a weekend once every couple weeks. It probably reinforced him to believe his avoidance is just normal and who he is. And not try to face his fears. I told her I want a stable relationship and was thinking that she was controlling. Maybe happy to keep her son to herself.

[@acd1168]

@@MissSarahGM He was definitely avoidant, a people pleaser, controlling, and had very low self esteem. The parents used immigration as an excuse (couldn’t speak English) to keep their children close. These kinds of parents have a lot of childhood trauma and use their children for validation. It is a losing battle and frankly my ex was a loser. Yes he had a great job but he was severely stunted emotionally. SEVERELY His dad used guilt, manipulation and shame to get them to do stuff. The mom is definitely a narc. She is very vain. I promise you I am not bitter but it was just such a traumatizing experience for me.

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@errolm8313]

For me being alone was so much easier..... I'm married now.... And the struggle is very real.

[@Kdoubleanoyla]

Damn, I felt this. Stay strong brother ✊🏾

[@GirlyButScrappy]

Have you tried putting in the work? I mean, you're going to struggle in a relationship if you (both) aren't putting in the work. As an avoidant, you can have healthy happy relationships, you just need self awareness and the ability to put in the effort. I can't speak on what your partner needs to do because I don't know their attachment style, but I do know if you both put in the work and have empathy, understanding, and awareness of each other's styles and triggers, you can make it work. Best of luck to you both and your marriage.

[@errolm8313]

@@GirlyButScrappy just celebrated 9 years a couple days ago and counting. Everyday is a choice. And for the past 9 years I've chosen to be here and make it work.... I plan to continue that trend

[@iyarimartinez3301]

I feel you, when my relationships ended I felt like released from a burden. In the beginning it's like breathing again and later followed by a desire to find love again. The the circle starts again....

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@LaudauteDominum-er2mr is he willing to work on his side of his attachment? If not I don’t see this working. It’ll take both of you and it’s hard work. No amount of you changing you will change him. Both will need to work on it to come into balance and become more secure. In other words if you get back together but he has no intent to work on his stuff too in therapy you’re going to have another rough round of the same.

[@ava-jl1ll]

Would love a video on how anxious attachments should navigate a relationship with avoidants especially early stages/less than a year

[@robertldavisjr]

The best way to navigate is to not engage with avoidants; ironically, avoid them. I stand secure and comfortable with anxious types, and lean anxious with avoidants - avoidants are the worst. The lack of communication and shutting down is a relationship killer. I can’t tolerate even the slightest breeze of their pull away non-sense.

[@LaudauteDominum-er2mr]

My baby's father who is my ex never played mind games but didn't or couldn't give the love that I wanted so much from him. Now I understand because of this video. I would suggest to you to get therapy and become more secure in yourself and be that secure attachment style that avoidants need. Just know how avoidants are and give them their space. They'll come to you for the affection and they'll show you their love language as well. Read up on the 5 love languages as well.

[@user-mm7fx7jh5v]

I remember being very young (around 5-7yrs old) and wondering if everyone feels the way I did. Even then I could sense, barely, that there was something wrong with my perception of the world (it was just a feeling that i couldn't possibly comprehend at that age, but it was present)

[@TrulyHaja]

same

[@forestcop2399]

Thank you so much!!! Ugh, I'm trying to understand her, and this really helped me. I wish she was able to read my heart. I became close to her and her kids, then 💥 boom. She broke up with me. I'll hold on to hope because I believe her when she said nobody has loved her more than me.

[@iyarimartinez3301]

I discover that I am an avoidant now. I am still single at 48 🙈I was born premature in the 7. month and had to stay in a hospital without my mother for weeks or months. I think that might be one of the reasons and later the emotional unavailability of my mom.

[@angelabardoe3752]

As a codependent who had to look after the needs of my mother who had BPd and a little brother, the idea of taking care of someone else's needs is not only a burdensome trigger, but it's also something I am inclined to habitually do and then feel resentful for. So I literally don't know how much taking care of someone's needs is sufficient or normal. Now, I just have a rule for myself that I do/give what I want to the extent that I know I won't have a return expectation. Do I want to do this or be this generous? Yes, green light. No, red light.

[@backtofacts]

This is such a great video! I love how you are speaking as well as what you are saying. I have a friend who is dismissive avoidant and I think I’m anxious avoidant. Wow! Great insight!

[@MissAnthrope190]

I had a mum with post partum depression and a father who is a narcissist. I only look for lovers who will keep me at arms length. But I’m learning to allow love slowly. I also know just what to say to push people away. It’s hard not to use this

[@MrX-rr8cw]

"Don't Cry --- Only Girls Cry!!!' My Father said to me when I was 12 years old. I know he didn't mean it like I heard it.......That was 38 years ago now --and I still hear his words. Great video.

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@iloveTool]

Don't cry! the world is hard and you better get used to it! Is what I heard a lot. So I learned crying/emotions are weak and better to stuff everything down, emotionally suppress everything. So yeahhhh 35 yrs old now and still can't form a healthy romantic relationship.

[@MK-ce9jn]

Thank you coach Craig, Victoria and Margaret for all your work - you do help the world 😇 Please can you do some video about how two disorganized people could help heal each other? We both have huge need of connection and empathy is not the problem (though at least I need a lot of space in between). When everything is alright it feels like we get what we always needed, but when anxiety kicks in, we jump into avoidant style and reconnecting is almost impossible - we try it right now and it's hardcore - I'm planning to buy session with coach Margaret, but I feel it would be very useful to touch on this topic, as disorganized it's not only those emotionless people. :)

[@sataneosm]

i'm 19. 1 and a half year ago i started to uncover that there might be something wrong with patterns of my behaviour when it comes to romantic relationships. i really wanted to find out what was wrong, i really want to define the problem becuase it helps so much when you realize what you actualy deal with so i started digging into psychology and reading a lot of stuff. several month ago i have come to realization that it's more likely that my attachement style is not ok. i've read a shit ton of information, took a million stupid tests and everything just points to the fact that i have the detached avoidant attachement style. i am still afraid that i might be wrong and that i am just being ridiculous so i decided to watch a lot of educating videos. and this one feels like you're describing me. i guess i strarted crying in the 5th minute, but then the words "love feels overwhelming, like a suffocation" 8:32 have just struck me because this is literally the best way i could describe my feelings to myself in my diary. thanks for this video, guess now i am sure to get professional help

[@usernameerrorxx]

i relate to you... i'm 20 and in the same situation 😢

[@ameliapeach3029]

You are so lucky to be self aware and want to become more secure at a young age! My avoidant ex is 30 and still doesn’t understand why he feels this way.

[@bernadettemeade7259]

Craig I've been aware of Attachment for some years, been in therapy and brought this up particularly my childhood ( lack of emotional attunement, dismissed, inconsistent) abused physically/ sexually. So yes I've been extremely aware of having Avoidant problems with relationships, extremely upset each time one ends, either being rejected by Avoidant or triggered by an Anxious partner.. Yes I've been bamboozled by siblings, watching to catch me out make a mistake, use it to punish me. Wouldn't feel good enough, try to be perfect, difficultly in trusting another, Absolutely overwhelming, trapped, give myself up engulfed...all of those especially high anxiety and panic attacks, that is awful as then I feel the need to get away from the situation and end up feeling like a freak... I'm lonely and would really like to be normal and have loving relationship. You say we have to make changes ourselves, the main issue I struggle with is the high anxiety and panic attacks, how do I stop those? I've used mindfulness techniques with little success.

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

Have you tried hypnotherapy?

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[@bernadettemeade7259]

Yes tried hypnotherapy

[@ava-jl1ll]

So what do you do? You can support and be understanding but at some point, they have to do the work. As an anxious working on being more secure, i tried to hold space, I tried to go at his pace but it can’t be all about them, the shutting down, the overwhelm… at 42?! We are two ppl in the relationship. Understanding and having someone meet you halfway - support vs enabling is a tough one with this dynamic. So as an anxious preoccupied working on being secure - who had done coaching with you and the workbooks - is it just better to try “avoid” avoidants and if so what are the early signs of one? Or how do you articulate better your need for them to step up as well and both co create vs only one person’s style getting accommodated?

[@smbritton1]

DA here - Victoria seemed to mention frequently asking a DA how they feel could positively affect a DA. The other 2 coaches overrode that. Repeatedly asking a DA how they feel could be offputting. This is from my own experience (and I understood it was well-intentioned) and my understanding of the DA personality style.

[@malcolmsteel5844]

Coach Victoria offers a lot of helpfu,l meaningfull input, but insight and advice for someone so young , thought it was going to be a waste of time without coach Margaret but not so , still think the combination of all three coaches perspectives is the best !

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@kintuinka]

Craig im learning so much since i've dumped thank you so much... is hard to think that this person might only touched my life so i can start to learn how loves really works..... he was an avoidant and triggered extremelly my anxiety when dumped me by surprise. We had a beautifull short relationship that triggered all his wish to run away because he had feelings too. I dramatized as crazy and things happened during the first days after that. I saw him with another girl face to face he even presented her...i was shocked.... so i dramatized again after 3 days i couldn't avoid to explote.... damnnnnn...... but i apologize as an adult after my melt down and his cold and clear answer ... i say that i understand everything he says and i respect his desicion and won't botter him again and wishing the best. Since that day im in no contact (month and a half almost) watching this videos that are just opening my eyes so much teaching me so much.... i wish we are teached all this when we are young! Is so basic

[@thegratitudeattitude67]

I have an avoidant attachment style. I confirm. It's like wanting to run everytime I realize I love him.

[@spigney4623]

heavily relatable. saying or hearing "i love you" used to be the kiss of death for my relationships. my affection would just disappear.

[@hellomybaby7486]

So u feel like running because u feel love for your guy ?

[@thegratitudeattitude67]

@@hellomybaby7486 sometimes

[@northerncaliking1772]

I will never date an avoidant again . We never once talked anything out. I was discarded

[@adoptioncorner1984]

I wish my avoidant would have had a little more patience with an anxiousness because I just wanted to love him , support him, and spend time with him. 😢

[@andreamuir1959]

It scares them to death. Avoidants don't like to be pressured. Oh I know this toooo well

[@iamjmcha]

i've known for a while now that i have the avoidant attachment style. seen few videos about it from few months ago when i started taking more notes on my mental and emotional state. in the past i've just been disregarding them. the thing about having this is that i dont even know what love feels like. my parents separated when i was a baby. they both got their own family shortly after so i never lived with them. my grandma from my father's side took me in, and i was with her together with my aunts since i was a toddler. they did provide necessities like food house clothing, but when i mess up if i make a mistake they'll hit me, with wood, with slippers, with hanger, with shoes, with a hammer, with a mono block chair, with a belt, punch me, kick me, throw dishware, made me kneel on salt, etc. called me mean names and be constantly criticizing and blamed for all of the things they had to provide to me. saying i havent been grateful enough they took me in and spend money on me when im not their child. i was physically, mentally and emotionally abused. i remember whenever i feel bad i'll wait until everyone was asleep then i'd quietly cry on my bed questioning the reason im alive. i've thought of just sticking a knife on my chest numerous times when i was a child but i didnt have the courage to do so. so i just told myself to just hold on until i'll be old enough to earn money and go on my own. because of the treatment i got i learned to be very independent on personal matters. i dont confide. i dont ask for permission. i dont ask for opinions. i dont outsource for answers to my problems. i act like everything's ok. i dont cry or ask for help for any personal matters. i deal with everything on my own. telling people my worries gives me this unsettling feeling. which resulted in me not having deeply attached friendships. any kind of relationship is give and take and because i only take what they give me, it doesnt go well. i'd notice most of them will start distancing from me as well because i dont open up. i do still have a few friends and i may appear friendly, as i am not shy and may appear extrovertedly when im with people but at the end of the day there's this disconnected feeling in me. so in a way i feel like my friends are at a certain distance from me and they cannot get close. i also havent had a romantic relationship that lasted long. and not surprisingly, i have not felt hurt in any of the breakups i had. i realized i never loved any of them. i liked them, yeah. but it never got deep. i dont even know how love feels. i haven't felt any strong emotion for anybody and im nearing 30 in a few years. there were quite a few moments when i wanted to tell my closest friend what i was going through at the time but i just cant. i cant get it out. it all boils down to me asking myself, what does telling them result into? what can they do for me that i cannot do for myself? its hard. its really hard especially when this is all that i know on how to run my life.

[@GirlyButScrappy]

I'm so sorry that that was the card you were dealt as a child. You didn't deserve that. You deserved all the love your parents could give you. Have you gotten any therapy at all? You may benefit from personal and/or group therapy. I wish you better days ahead. 🤞

[@bridamc3493]

Yes I agree.. Look for an attachment therapist and get it on a long term.. Need basis with a goal setting it up at the beginning. Reading books is also inciteful as "readers are never alone". Books are full of answers and guidance. Good luck.

[@FirehorseG]

I know I have this, also CPTSD. Not sure if I only truly loved one man unconditionally as he left me and betrayed me in a terrible way that triggered a lot of resurfacing of issues I had. I've never really felt that depth of feeling for anyone else in over 25 years. Definitely Avoidant. But is this made worse by not meeting anyone I have strong connection, interest with or just Avoidant issues? Whatever, it's ruining my life as I seem to never know what I feel for people from one week to the next. I'm bored by men and only one sparked a depth of emotion and love in me & since his betrayal and abandonment I'm shut down, distrustful, withering and bored by men.

[@Almsoo7]

My soon to be ex-wife is an extreme avoidant. She just moved out after initiating divorce, accusing me of neglecting her needs and overwhelming her with my expectations but which she had most of the time failed to communicate with me directly beforehand. There might be third party involvement in our marriage breakdown but when I last met her last week when she came to collect her stuffs, she was dressed differently (nicer) but appeared to put on much weight, and sounded slightly depressed and refused to look at me. I wish of forgetting her and move on but sometimes wonder if she still has feelings for me and want to come back to me to work things out. I don't have the luxury of affording a coaching session with Coach Craig though and now just doing no contact.

[@dionquintos356]

Forget about her and just date me instead. 😅🙈✌🏻

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@jasonfromm5637]

Similar situation buddy , do u have kids with her?

[@jahrassicsound312]

Coach Craig...are you an Avoidant? 16:00 you said we! I appreciate your videos...gives me clarity on situations in my life!

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

I’m saying we (human beings) are wired for connection (including avoidants). I’m not suggesting I am avoidant

[@jahrassicsound312]

@@CoachCraigKenneth Thank you for the clarification Coach!!!

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[@joeb5578]

I have an avoidant type personality. Anxious, I think. I've struggled with it all my life. It just occured to me that the girl I met last year seems to be a dissmissive avoidant. It's been a while since I've dealt with this but it's finally come back to me. I have a passion for psychology and minored in Psych. The relationship's ups & downs are making me crazy. I'm going read/write and become more focused on myself and what I can bring to the relationship.

[@kimsmith6206]

Thats all I attrack, he said I love too much and try to hard. I get it I am anxious attachment style

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@Blossomcola]

A sincere thanks for this video, very helpful. ❤

[@gramatius007]

I don’t see the point of relationships. To me, I would be putting myself in a situation where there are now more problems and more opportunities for someone to manipulate and lie to me. My life is rather peaceful as it is without anyone and I actually don’t have any feelings of loneliness or any desires to have a relationship. Then again, I’ve been like this for so long that perhaps I can no longer see myself without bias.

[@carolyn9034]

Exactly same, I don’t know if I’ve just been suppressing my wants and desires for so long that I can’t even access them or if I’m genuinely content with how things are. Might as well decide that I’m content with this peace 🤷‍♀️

[@jeffjones6089]

i think my ex was an anxious attachment style and started to get tired of my avoidant style. its always how ive been. i always hated feeling loved by my family and the attention. i gave my ex as much as i could. and it wasnt fitting to her needs. once she brought up that i was taking her for granted which i really wasnt. its just who i am... she became the avoidant.... because i was putting in more love than i am used to putting out because i didnt want to lose her. it ended up pushing her further... such a strange way of things ending. havent heard from her in months. dont think i will

[@acd1168]

You sound like an avoidant. Good god

[@jeffjones6089]

@@acd1168 lmao i certainly am! Proud of who i am but sometimes not proud of how i treat women that love me. it can be challenging. working on myself everyday. sometimes i dont think it is 100% reversable because it's who i am and who i grew up as.

[@acd1168]

@@jeffjones6089 Excuses

[@jeffjones6089]

@@acd1168 everyones brain is different. maybe you see it as an excuse because your brain is wired differently and grew up in a different environment. there is no excuses here just truth and honesty. Rude of you to say. good luck though

[@acd1168]

@@jeffjones6089 I am quite aware of that. However I made the choice to heal mine and not make excuses. You have to want it. I don’t need luck.

[@silvermont331]

In North America 🇺🇸 🇨🇦 we grow up with Disney fantasy and Hollywood crap. That there is already a damaged to us. Reality y’all - look after yourself bc no one will. Education is key 🔑

[@nielsdaemen]

My ex was adopted from Sri Lanka, she never knew her real parents. She was adopted at the age of 1.5 and her adoption parents are great. Now I finally understand she has an avoidant attachment style, and that's where her unexpected breaking up with me came from. I will leave her alone now, because I know she needs a lot of time

[@markayala72]

After my ex broke up with me, she told me the next day when she picked up her stuff that she felt more relief than sadness from telling me she wanted to end things after 2 years 4 months. How can that be interrupted now after a month of no contact?

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@spigney4623]

ive always felt different because of my inability to bond normally with others. im on the path of healing but sometimes i want to go back to feeling cold and aloof and tormented. at least that was somewhat poetic. now im just sloppy and lonely.

[@TintinMinh]

thank you so much for the information. hope it's gonna help my situation.

[@clairefoxall2313]

So good to hear from you Coach Craig 😁. I love hearing your voice very therapeutic & you are so open and understanding 🙏🙏🤩🤩

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[@waynetech10]

I suspect, heavily that I am an Avoidant. Thing is, my parents constantly told me how important and unique I am. But, that could also have a negative aspect. Here I am, 30 years later, and I'm the guy making everyone else's life a little easier. I was used, by nearly everyone else, but my parents knew I'd be counted on, later in life. I almost wish they hadn't said that.

[@jdprettynails]

I would just like to point out that as an anxious person, I grew up in the same situation as most avoidants. I have the same fears they do. Sure…avoidants may have the fear of rejection and being used…but it’s us anxious ones who are left ACTUALLY getting rejected and feeling used. So I’m doing everything I can to understand the avoidant perspective, but I don’t like the notion that because I’m anxious I become self absorbed. I’m hurting like hell and I’m trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong by showing love to a person I deeply care about only for them to hurt me out of nowhere! “Demanding????” Wanting a text message now and then is demanding now?

[@shelleyfleer9895]

This is very good information. If I am an anxious attachment, what style is better matched for me

[@lesleysole6427]

Thank you this has taught me alot about my partner..I hace my issues too So how they support you too ?

[@nelisiwenothile]

I’m really confused. I broke up with my bf of 7 years last year this month because he was always just cold. Very mean and cruel to me without being provoked. We have broken up twice before but quickly got back together after a few days like nothing happened without any work on our problems.I’m an anxious attachment style. He I’ve just discovered is avoidant. I missed him so much and was hurting so much during the break up. He went no contact I tried to reach out to him and he pushed me away. Then he shared this channel with me at the beginning while I was trying to convince him to get back together but then he totally rejected me. He said he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and I feel the same. I’m confused as to why he shared this channel with me if he didn’t want to get back together and so why was he searching how to get an ex back if that was not his intention 😩. He did alot of indirect reaching out until finally I took the bate and reached out. Was this a game to get revenge? I’m so sad because his actions as much as mine led to out break up but he acts as if I chose to discard him without reason. My communication style was not the best because of anxiety but he was always withdrawn when it came to problem solving which made me feel alone. I’m at a loss. I have decided to let him go and he says he has moved on. I have done alot of work through my local therapist to figure out if I was the problem since I always initiated the break up and through this channel I have learned even more skills. I have so many questions as to why he referred me to this channel and why did he indirectly reach out. Oh well😓

[@nwosungozi5463]

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[@christinasagit]

I finally feel understand finally. Thank you

[@rietta1166]

Thankyou guys🙏🙏

[@kristijones6922]

Most people here I feel like are anxious attachment. Are or will avoidants be open to being told they are avoidant? Do you have any advice on for bringing it to their attention when it's coming from a good place and you want to help them?

[@kristijones6922]

@@lianakelvin8452 even for a long distance ex that blocked me?

[@andrasziegenham6766]

@@kristijones6922 it is a scammer bot. Ignore it!

[@paniq_fnite]

I am avoidant, and I came here after sabotaging a relationship with someone I was deeply in love with… so an avoidant may hear you but not likely. If an avoidant has a true, deep connection with someone they will seem “secure,” and only when they are really not happy or feeling smothered are they intentionally avoidant. Avoidants won’t change, even myself I can try but awareness is about all I will get.

[@iloveTool]

I'm an avoidant, I think it's on an individual basis. Some of us recognize there's clearly an issue but some people are really stubborn/think there's nothing wrong with them. So bringing that to their attention could really offend them. I think the best way to approach that is to genuinely say what you want in the relationship - more time, more communication, affection, whatever it is but not in a demanding way, in a genuine way saying it would make you happy to have more of that from them.

[@kristijones6922]

I really appreciate your perspective and honesty. Thank you Amanda

[@paniq_fnite]

I am generally avoidant, to a fault, I see all the wrongs I have done. As Craig asked, my childhood included parents divorce, mother involved us in a religious cult, and also had forms of punishment such as “dropping us off on the side of the road” 😳 at 7 years old, and being left home alone for her to attend religious functions. And then, dad died from a heroin overdose when I was 14. Yep, we have issues that are deep… but it’s because we have very fragile hearts to protect. The right (anxious) person with the tools from coaches or therapists can love an avoidant but it will be a lot of work. : /

[@acd1168]

Not worth it in my opinion. I wish you healing though.

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[@GirlyButScrappy]

I'm an anxious in a 6 year relationship with an avoidant and I'm trying my best, and so is he.

[@shitherdadsays9296]

Very helpful video! Thank you!

[@evolicious-x]

Can you do a video discussing narcissistic personality. i really feel like that term is being way over used and i have joined groups of narc abuse and so many stories just sound like their ex just didnt like them anymore but the victims seem to be obsessed more than anything else.

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[@mldreams2558]

Basic needs were met… Dad was never there. No hugs, no kisses, no I love you. Now that i have children I hug them, kiss them, cry if you have to so is a-lot of expression in my house. But for me as a divorcee i am fearful of loving and being abandoned.

[@lonewolfmgtow7187]

I live a avoidant attachment lifestyle and the reason why I live like that is because from a kid up to my early to mid 20s I was betrayed by family members and other people that I thought I can trust and from that point on to protect myself I’m not attached to anyone or anything and also to the point that there was even friends who have been shot and killed in front of my face and I didn’t even shed a tear for them in the funeral in mind you these were friends that I grew up with in the hood and to end it with this it’s so bad that I even tell women to their face that I don’t give a shit about them and I also tell them exactly what I think and how I feel and if they don’t like it, I look at it like this type of shit and that’s real talk

[@indyd9322]

Thanks for the video!

[@davide6760]

I have a question for you craig... The way parents treat us in our childhood has consequences on how we attach to our romantica partner, but i was wondering if the way we are treated also in adolescence or even later can have an impact on our attachment style. For example i am 22 years old and my parents have broken up cause my mother was cheating on him and i would like to know if this can have an impact on me like trust issue or something else. Hope you read this comment love from italy

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@GirlyButScrappy]

It can absolutely have an affect on you. I recommend speaking to a therapist to help you process this. Best of luck to you.

[@margicates553]

My parents were fine. My mother would go very cold when I disappointed her, she’d shame me, and scream at me. I was undiagnosed autistic, so she misunderstood my meltdowns. I used to pretend to be sick so she’s be nice to me. My dad was ok. I grew up being constantly told I was too much, or not enough, and I never understood why people misunderstood me. I was always saying or doing the wrong thing. My boundaries weren’t important. In college I was raped, and in several abusive relationships. I moved away and moved into a new space, and was raped again shortly after moving in. First new relationship since the pandemic, and the man I’m dating, texts me 4 times a day. Looks at me all moony, and wants to see me everyday. I can’t stand it. I told him I need 3 days of no texting/ or just one text, so I can think. He said I was being unfair, I said he wasn’t respecting my boundaries and we broke up. Ugggg. I don’t think I’m avoidant attachment. I just don’t want to deal with his feelings all the time. I’ve got my own shit. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@kitty1256x]

You just didn't really love him and need him, it's good you broke up. Don't stay long with a man if you don't desire him very strong.

[@GirlyButScrappy]

First, I'm so sorry about the abuse you encountered. You say your mom was fine but then you described how she was cold towards you, and would scream at you and shame you.. that's not at all okay. And that's so awful you experienced rape. I truly hope you were/are able to get help for working through that trauma.. That being said, with your most recent bf, you absolutely described avoidant attachment style. Texting 4 times in one day is even waaaaay less than the average relationship. Your boundaries are extreme and unreasonable for a relationship. What you describe wanting is something way more casual and you should make sure you're being open and honest with people about your boundaries from the start because most people wouldn't be comfortable with that extreme of a lack of communication and time spent together.

[@michelechiodi7272]

Thank you Craig & Viktoria. By the way, I am Sicilian too

[@djpdyson]

Hello, can you do a video on when you had to breakup with the person out of frustration but you still love them and you know that they love you but you were just so fed up With certain behaviors? Because you weren't being respected and valued so you just had to let them go but really You wish they would contact you and show they care. That you dumped them because you were just so frustrated and not being heard. And you know they don't really want the breakup either But you have to show that you're willing to walk away from the relationship when You're not being met halfway. Does no contact work in that situation when you're the dumper ? When you're the dumper, who's responsibility is it during no contact, when the Dumpee is well aware of what they did but an avoidant, whom should reach out to whom then? I know he's miserable without me. Its now a battle of wills though. I'm not getting certain things that I need and he keeps reassuring meThat he wants to move us forward and work on things but then he turns around And switches things up without talking to me Taking away my voice And prevent me from determining if this is a relationship that I should continue with. I'm ready for a healthy committed relationship, and he says that hes committed to me and wants to move forward but then does everything but do that. We've been having very specific conversations about moving in together,But then all of a sudden he turned around and told me about it how he wants to get his own apartment Why is he going along with this while we're talking together and then out of the blue he slams me with that? I don't know. Maybe I just answered my own questions. I'm so hurt. Just when I think we're on the same wavelength, he makes a comment that makes me Wonder if we've been having the same conversation!

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@r.bishop1127]

Is it normal for a DA to love bomb someone the first few months? I can't get my head around my recent breakup. He was amazing. Long conversations, affection, lots of time together, he had me meet his family and child. Talked about marriage, moving, future plans together. Sex was out of this world. He spent a lot of money on me with amazing dates and gifts I didn't ask for or expect. He was responsive. Always text gm or gn. Then out of nowhere he said he was overwhelmed. Pulled back. Said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I was quite upset and pressed to understand what was going on. He told me there was no one else. He just isn't ready. I am gutted. And now he won't speak to me. He was still kind in ending things. But said it just fizzled out and he no longer has feelings for me. I was reactive which I regret but he said we are just not compatible. We have loads of similar interests. I just don't understand this. Hurts like hell.

[@kitty1256x]

He was in love with his fantasy but not with you.

[@r.bishop1127]

@@kitty1256x certainly seems so. Is that a DA thing 🤔

[@hellomybaby7486]

What fantasy?

[@n26c88]

How are you doing a year later? Your ex sounds like mine, did you ever gain any clarity from him?

[@r.bishop1127]

@@n26c88 we are actually seeing each other again. 5 months we didn't talk. He came back asking me to forgive him and we talked about a lot. Baby steps at the moment

[@evolicious-x]

im an avoidant and lost a relationship because of it. and i have been in great relationships where the female was very understanding and willing to make things work. i think either way, whichever attachment you are, the right person will like you either way. and you'll know because they will be willing to work things out together to make the relationship better.

[@iloveTool]

I hope that's true, I'm an avoidant too and have not been able to keep a relationship because of it. I always get told I'm too distant, they can't tell how I feel about them, not affectionate enough etc. and then they leave for someone who is more of those things.

[@beverlybenjamin5947]

I do not agree. No quality woman/man will give and try and compromise with no effort on your part. If anyone did that for you, I guarantee they were not happy.

[@dianaverano7878]

Both person inside the relationship should try to make it work. Avoidant or not. Why rely on the non-avoidant all the time? That person cant carry the relationship all the time. At first, sure. But later on, it doesnt work if it's just 1 way.

[@lisaraper8053]

So if he says he loves me. What exactly does that mean coming from an avoidant? Can he truly love me or no?

[@mathews0618]

I think an important message here is that although anxious partners seem loving, its disingenuous because they have a hidden agenda. When they are triggered they are emotionally unavailable and that in itself is manipulative. Their partners see right through it and thats why they dont get soothed like they want. We want an authentic partner otherwise we are parenting them

[@westcoastorbust2462]

D@mn, this is good. I fear that I’ll never meet someone with a secure attachment

[@mathews0618]

@@westcoastorbust2462 it gets harder the older you get

[@MIMIDSH]

Sounds like him. Any time we get close, it's like he can't stand it and shuts me out. I thought he'd relax, knowing he was loved but it's almost like loving behavior is annoying to him. I've decided to back off, date other men, and keep it extremely casual with him. Not what I want but trying to love him isn't something he wants or accepts.

[@iamwabisabi3711]

Wow this explains my whole life

[@greed750]

Is first breakups in a relationship always not permanent?

[@roseclimbpaintcont]

I feel so anxious wishing and hoping and I hate it meeting people doesn't even have a fun part it is just torture to even try. And I can't try.

[@patrickhayson7925]

What about an avoidant that never initiated contact in the beginning of the relationship and now we are broken up and now long distance?

[@oluseyelumon1006]

I know of a man who helped me bring my ex back he can also heIp you just as he did mine, he does a perfect work I'm assuring you, you gonna testify

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[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@HappyGirl707]

What's the best way, then, to date (handle) an avoidant?

[@jacquelinedarby8090]

This is brilliant.

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@luxj6324]

Want coaching from coach Victoria.. she seems really chilled

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

She is!

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@ava-jl1ll]

So should we just avoid/break up w them? I think the 42 year old I’m dating is avoidant.

[@acd1168]

Don’t even try to break up with him. Just disappear. He doesn’t deserve an explanation.

[@roofieandraggy16]

Fucking run.

[@gabbymontoya2085]

Even if you break up things will be at their terms only.. it’s childish… You’ll be frustrated that will be your only choice either way..

[@acd1168]

@@gabbymontoya2085 It’s like they are mentally challenged which in a way they are. They are emotionally challenged. They don’t understand interpersonal anything.

[@roofieandraggy16]

@Helen pearls why do you want an ex back?

[@bunniewood]

Because avoidants rarely change, do they end up dying alone? Is the world full of old people who are alone single because they are avoidant?

[@MissSarahGM]

because change and doing inner work is painful, a lot of avoidants will stay single and depressed, addicted to something. Some are avoidants in relationship, more like roommates, here but not fully present. There are many ways to avoid intimacy and emotions.

[@adoptioncorner1984]

@@MissSarahGM that's so sad. Been dealing with an avoidant for three years and the needle isn't moving its so heartbreaking. No matter what you do and how you show them love it doesn't change anything 😢

[@MissSarahGM]

@@adoptioncorner1984 Yes it is disheartening, at some point you need to think about yourself if the needle isn't moving.

[@acd1168]

Nope. They might find someone who will put up with their crap. There are people who are desperate enough

[@peterkimjal4178]

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[@rebeccasuraci7666]

I have a helicopter anxious over protective yet emotionally unavailable mother. I don’t get how Im naturally an anxious . Wouldnt I be an avoidant if I had lack of closeness ??? I’m confused as to if you mirro what you’re given or you go against it . example - one is anxious and needy bc that attention wasn’t there vs being avoidant bc I received avoidance and unavailability .

[@paddywan]

For me I had a good and healthy family life until I was about six or seven and people very close to me started to die and over the space of 2-3 years my grandmother, very close friends of the family anf tehir child and my father all passed away. So like 4-5 really imprtant people to me died over this short period of time, so when i was 10 years old, I was an emotional mess. So my way of protecting myslef would from that point on be to avoid love because all it hurt too much when people left, and I made some unreasonable association that if I didn't love people, they wouldn't die because it seemed that only people I loved died.

[@semulford]

Ive always wondered whats wrong with me. Now i feel like i know. I dont think ive related to anything more on my life

[@kathleenburns4850]

Do you have a book with all of this info?

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

I have Workbooks! Better than just an ordinary book 💪

[@BruceJC75]

The more I learn about this, the more I understand my ex. Her emotionally unavailable parents made her a sitting duck for her narcissistic ex husband. I must’ve been her first taste of healthy love and it scared the hell out of her.

[@kathia.4640]

I just don't understand him. My avoidant ex reached out after 4,5 months of No contact. He called out of the blue and wanted to start talking again. I talked to him for a few minutes and thought to hear from him again. But then nothing. This was 4,5 months ago, in total now 9 months...he still holds on to stuff i had at his place. Is this holding the object? I don't want to reach out because of that but accidently called him once and no call in return, so I don't think he wants full closure....) Any ideas anyone?

[@oldhippieinluv]

I feel like a fool as the anxious - for staying in this painful situation with an avoidant ❤❤❤❤

[@chrishatcher9239]

You've made the perfect case for staying the hell away from these people. Unless of course, you'd like to loose yourself.