Shame is Your Friend!

[@karentwardowski9084]

I think shame gets a bad name because it is used as a weapon from childhood on. Society uses shame to control people. Figuring out of you feel shame because you did something against your own values and beliefs or someone else's is a huge knot that is difficult to untangle. I see people and myself being ashamed of things that we shouldn't. Most women are ashamed of their bodies. Why, we have gotten messages all our lives. We should befriend shame, but it might be one of the toughest emotions to understand

[@EmotionDynamics]

Yes, being shamed by others is a rotten way to learn about shame. It's really twists the entire topic around and makes it very confusing!

[@meganjastervid]

I have been visiting your work for over a decade, and it continuously supports me in my journey to become more aware of my powerful emotions. Thank you so much for your work it is deeply appreciated!

[@EmotionDynamics]

Wow, thank you

[@martaperrone2256]

Thank you Karla! So powerful - it helped me understand the person a bit about why the person in my 10 year relationship never developed empathy...he had no shame.

[@hiuhungphong]

You are so kind.

[@postmodernfreak]

Thanks, Karla! I've been such a fan of your work for a few years now. I'm finally feeling confident to bring my emotional awareness to and beyond my own life, my conversations, work relationships, friendships... and I've felt more authentic, more 'seen' and much happier. Thank you...what a gift you are bringing to the world! So I have a question about an obstacle I've encountered right now and welcome ur thoughts. Every year, I choose a word to live by and for 2017 I have chosen "kindness": the word makes me smile and softens my reactive judgments. However, it has already brought a conundrum which is about associating expressing my truth as kindness in order that I feel heard. When my truth challenges the status quo of my family life (drenched in Victorian-esque shame and shadows!) , I feel so anxious pre-share and then immediately post-share I feel 'peer-shame'... which yells at me to return straight back to the shadows! My intention is kind (I think!)... to encourage (eventual!) light-heartedness, transparency and ease. Any tips for a section in your books to consult? Thanks! :-)

[@EmotionDynamics]

Hi Mark! It's a good word and someone who immediately comes to mind is Sharon Ellison. Her work is called Powerful Non Defensive Communication, and this page has a lot of audio clips of her process: www.pndc.com/learning-room/audio-stories.php I think you'll like her approach to kindness and truth-telling!

[@postmodernfreak]

Thank you! :-)

[@jamie_d___]

Your mastery of understanding emotions is a blessing 🙏Thankyou for the work you’ve done , I can only imagine the pain you’ve processed to bring forth this knowledge

[@EmotionDynamics]

You are so welcome

[@creator2149]

Another good one.

[@tanyag8220]

Amazing explanation! Thank you so much.

[@EmotionDynamics]

Glad it was helpful!

[@michaelmcintyre490]

oh and thank you for your beautiful insights Karla :) Peace

[@bpsyked1627]

Just an additional thought, i think healthy shame is like a messenger of the conscience. And one word summarizes my opinion about ur vlog -> WOW!!! 😲

[@EmotionDynamics]

Oh, excellent summary, very concise! Thank you!

[@brunosco]

I guess each emotion is a messenger of the conscience?

[@plantpoweredprophet]

Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. I learned about you in one of the facebook male domestic violence support groups. Thanks again :)

[@EmotionDynamics]

Welcome!

[@LakshmiBaker]

This is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for this!

[@EmotionDynamics]

[@nathanbuckingham6866]

Hi Karla. First off i want to say how lucky i feel coming across your book and how much i appreciate your insights into emotions because it has helped me face and start to accept my own uncomfortable emotions so, thank you. Secondly do you agree that burning contracts is in other words facing deep beliefs that need to be grieved in order to be truly free of their effects because this has been whats happening with me. Thankyou and HappyNewYear X

[@EmotionDynamics]

Thank you Nathan, and yes! That's an excellent description of Burning Contracts. Many emotions will come forward to help you burn an old contract, and grief is an excellent one that helps you identify the loss and move onward. Something to remember about contracts is that you had a good reason for agreeing to them in the first place. Truly releasing them may often bring grief forward, because there is often the need for a kind of grief ritual. Thanks for your good question!

[@nathanbuckingham6866]

Aww thankyou Karla for the response im so glad you did, your comments have encouraged me to keep charging ahead into these tsunamis of emotions :).

[@brunosco]

I love you! 😘😄 Your work is mind-blowing! Barely discovered you (thanks to my lovely life coach) and I think your genius approach to emotions is changing my-messy-life already! I mean, shame is useful and helps me set boundaries from inside and has to be addressed right to really enable empathy, apathy might explain why I procrastinate and is a mask to hidden anger towards an environment that doesn’t respect my space (or something, I’m new to this so I might need to refine my understanding!), sadness is the water of the soul (WTF? 😂), panic is just to check on immediate threat and can be thanked bye when safe, while anxiety is there to help me get stuff done when my situation is precarious... What next? Bring it on! 😄 I guess I’ll have to read some of your books... Should I start with your last one on anxiety? And is your “old” one, The Language of Emotions, not obsolete compared to your more recent work (appart from the anxiety section that was wrong at the time, as you explained in Tami’s podcast (another amazing thing))? Thanks so much! 🙏

[@EmotionDynamics]

The anxiety book is a good place to start because it's short and fast! The Language of Emotions contains a lot more material, and yes, it's still valid even though I was a doofus about anxiety in 2009 when I wrote it. An even easier one, though, is the Dynamic Emotional Integration workbook at 88 pages! It's here: karlamclaren.com/product/the-dei-workbook/

[@brunosco]

Emotion Dynamics Thanks, I’ll go and check that out! 😀

[@brunosco]

Emotion Dynamics Is The DEI Workbook shipped from the USA? Is it also on sale in Europe or will there be a Kindle/ebook version?

[@jabeguy]

I might be in love, lol. Thank you for such amazing understandings and sharing with us! This is super good timing for me.

[@michaelmcintyre490]

to me it seems maybe I feel guilt about having shame, like having shame means I must be guilty, or as you mention in the original purpose of the word guilt "have done" something to merit shame and that then must have been something "bad"

[@EmotionDynamics]

Hello! Yes, sometimes, shame is not supportive or healthy for you, and that's when the practice of Burning Contracts comes in handy. I call this kind of shame inauthentic or foreign. It's often shame that other people force onto you. Your own shame may feel uncomfortable, because it's trying to get you to stop doing something, but it shouldn't feel miserable. Healthy shame questions your behavior based on the moral code you value. If your shame feels uncomfortable, of if you feel bad, it's important to look at what's in your moral code, and who put it there.

[@nathanbuckingham6866]

Just out of curiosity Karla, how would someone like me from England be able to have counselling sessions with you if that is an option?

[@EmotionDynamics]

Hi Nathan, and thanks for the question. I'm primarily teaching now, and the consultation process that i developed is being offered by people who are trained and licensed by me. They're a wonderful group. You can learn about them here: emotiondynamics.org/consultants-in-us/ Most or all work by phone or Skype, so distance isn't a problem.