What Is Empathy? (Karla McLaren's Six Essential Components) [2018]

[@trentbergen7100]

Being neurodivergent myself. My communication got a lot better when I stopped holding onto the idea of that empathy was something that I feel and then I do. When I realized that empathy is a judgment that other people have on you. That is truly a perception of whether they feel like you are engaged and that you can accurately call out their emotions. Saying someone is empathetic or not empathetic is a judgement it has nothing to do with if you were actually feeling their emotions. Same with you're not listening I could be listening completely and fiddling with something. Oftentimes is helpful for me to zone in and actually be listening. However the problem is that it's not about whether I am doing it or not. It is not about whether I am feeling those emotions or not it is not about whether I am actually listening or not it's about how the person I'm talking to feels. And when you set back and look at it that way is suddenly makes sense. And that took me 40 years to realize. And that realization greatly increase my communication skills and my perceived empathy.

[@rev.draculvonschlotzhauer3832]

Thank you for your support and understanding very helpful

[@HannahEvans-qb5ox]

Great video. I like how you easily explain these concepts in a way that lay people can digest. Excellent work!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I appreciate that!

[@nathaliaperea3867]

Thank you for this . Beautifully articulated.

[@smorioioioarty6154]

Thank you very much, I'm so glad I came across your channel

[@mikebingham9700]

Very interesting at a time when my sister is dealing with Liver Cancer. This video has been enlightening.

[@nasimbasiri5914]

Thank you very much! Very informative

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Glad it was helpful!

[@birdlover6842]

Excellent video. Thank you for posting.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@kelliechauvin4369]

Thank you so much! I am using your content for encouragement in my new job- a case manager for adults with intellectual disabilities.

[@TheElvenKeys]

I don't care at all when people are upset, even if it's really grave like a relative dying. At the same time I'm a people pleaser and I enjoy making people happy.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You don’t care when people are upset? You might want to think about how that sounds.

[@birdlover6842]

@TheElvenKeys Sounds like an oxymoron to me. You might want to explore your feelings at a deeper level.

[@dialecticalspectacle]

Thank you for your work.

[@gwapitongdaks5166]

Thanks brother.

[@vickiegroup9276]

Love this

[@carlosuter3341]

You may try to express her definition in your own words to make it easier to understand. Great video. Subscribed and will share them

[@joannlcabreraa6041]

It was great but could you please give examples more of each one like how we should respond back to someone or what does it look like to understand once problem? Idk if that makes sense.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Yes I can do that.

[@joannlcabreraa6041]

@@HowCommunicationWorks thank you so much. For me it’s like I feel bad for the other person but don’t show it much because I don’t want to get into my feelings. You mentioned it in your video but didn’t go into it in depth

[@joannlcabreraa6041]

@@HowCommunicationWorks I learn better by seeing and hearing. You did a great job. I have ADHD and your teaching style was great. I was listening the whole time. 👌

[@joannlcabreraa6041]

How do you let yourself feel what the other person feel and not get overwhelmed?

[@islamismyway8485]

girl u might check out if u have codependency

[@ericb8342]

I'd feel awful if I asked this question and nobody answered. I like to think I'm "good at empathy", but I'm not vain enough to think I can't be wrong - I just hate to leave without trying. So, I find your phrasing very encouraging: "let yourself feel". That makes me think we both experience Emotional Contagion similarly. Tell me if this analogy feels accurate to you! And if not, let me be wrong! I bet people haven't answered this cause being wrong is such a risk: don't let me mislead you with a perspective that doesn't match yours! If my mind is a castle, other people's emotions come in at the gates. Now, my gates rest in a wide-open position, so a lot of the time, I prefer to hold them closed and bar them, then "relax" to let emotions in. This makes two problems for me: first, since my gates swing open easily, it's hard for me to hold them closed if invaders come to storm the castle with a battering ram (vulnerable to emotional blackmail, manipulation, etc). Second, even when I want my gates open, if I'm not careful, I will let in too many guests at once, and there won't be enough room for them all (susceptible to overwhelm from strong emotions, many people's emotions at once, etc). Now, extending the analogy, I have added three new features to my castle to help secure it. To start, I've built a portcullis and posted sentries: whether my gates are open or not, I'll see those invaders coming, and their battering rams can't get through once I drop a metal barrier in their way! The portcullis, here, means all of the strategies I've learned or been taught to identify, block or redirect manipulation tactics. Even better, the sentries will spot not only enemies, but also approaching delegations from friendly castles - even for my friends, I may not have the capacity to provide emotional support, or even give them a place to vent. I need to know what to expect, and either prepare accordingly or gently turn them away. Which brings me to my third feature: the gate mechanism! Now I have a cunning system of gears and levers, which I can use to keep the gate open at various widths. It's much easier for me to control how easily people can enter, adjust the gates on the fly, shut them faster and hold them with less effort. This gate mechanism, here, means all of the ways I gauge how much emotional capacity I have, adjust my sensitivity to external influence, prepare my tools and coping strategies, etc. Of course, I've stretched the analogy pretty thin here, because I haven't even mentioned my *own* emotions - the countless servants, diplomats, administrators, tradespeople, and other staff I need to keep my castle running. I've also glossed over how hard it is to strike a balance between having the room to host my guests, while still housing enough staff to serve their needs. Long story short - not getting overwhelmed is a whole *project*: we figure out what problem(s) we're solving, draw up a blueprint to plan our solution, build tools that suit our needs and preferences, test them out, see what works, and keep refining. So: what are the most common ways you find yourself getting overwhelmed? What emotion is overwhelming you in those situations - is it the same one, or different ones? What is happening in your mind that ratchets up the intensity so much? What are your castle's weaknesses? And (ideally with the help of a therapist you trust, and whose therapy style suits you) what will you do to reinforce them?

[@islamismyway8485]

I am here after surviving NARCISISM

[@uptowngrafx]

Same here!

[@dorcaencarnacion7333]

I feel that I lack empathy and I want to learn to have it if that makes sense. How do I begin having empathy where do I start?

[@ericb8342]

I'd like to think I'm "good at empathy", but as always, I'm a rando on the internet, so don't trust me blindly :p **TL;DR:** Start with Emotional Regulation, then work on each of the others in the order that feels right to you. Use the skills you learn to get better at others, until you've got at least a little bit of each. If I were to guess why nobody has answered this, I'd say it's because (1) the question is super complicated to answer, but also (2) everyone tends to have their own empathic "style", and what works for one person might not for someone else. Or worse - it might be so wrong for that person, it actually works against their progress in learning these skills! I'd have to be pretty arrogant to think I'm able to overcome that risk and explain How to Empathy. Still, if I had asked this question and nobody answered, I would feel frustrated, discouraged, maybe even some self-loathing...not good, generally. So, let me tell you what works for me, with the understanding that it will almost definitely feel different for you once you get a better sense of your own empathic style. I would start with emotional regulation. All 6 of the aspects of empathy work together, and missing any one of them will make the others less effective. Still, in my experience, emotional regulation is the skill whose absence will have the biggest drawback on all the others. If your emotions are surging, it's harder to feel other people's; harder to identify them; harder to get outside your own perspective; harder to spare the energy to really care and pay attention; harder to take external action. So: what steps could you take to better understand and manage your own emotions? Do you have a therapist who can help you introspect, for example? Are you aware of how your mind sometimes reacts automatically, and what causes that? Are you able to notice those automatic reactions before or while they happen, and choose how you want to act in response, instead of letting yourself autopilot? For example, what kinds of things make you feel angry? The anger rises automatically, but can you choose to breathe through it and let it go, when you want to avoid the consequences of displaying it? If not, why does it feel so important to keep hold of it? Or, when the anger is righteous and justified, can you use it as fuel, without "flooding the engine" (too overwhelmed to communicate) or "losing control of the vehicle" (venting rage indiscriminately)? This is just a single example, based on only one, simple emotion, and it gets more complicated the more numerous and complex emotions you're dealing with. Still, the idea is to identify your emotional reactions, get better at understanding your feelings, and even figure out where they come from. There are all sorts of techniques to explore, identify and regulate your emotions, but the fundamental skill is keeping the "you" part of your mind clear, so you can choose how to act, no matter what you're feeling or how strongly. After that, it's hard to say what order to tackle the rest. The other five all sort of grow around and with each other, and everyone finds some of them easier or more useful than others. For example, I was very bad at Empathic Accuracy, but I found that when I was accurate, it was extremely useful. So, because I find Emotional Contagion very easy, I started by focusing on that, which helped me learn Perspective, which made me feel more Concern, which gave me more Accuracy! I only Engaged the absolute minimum until I got very good at understanding, because speaking actively used to feel very vulnerable. As another example, my mother feels Concern very strongly, which boosts her Contagion, which makes her want to Engage, so she prefers to ask lots of questions for Perspective. She doesn't care about Accuracy as much at the start of a convo, because as long as she keeps Caring and Engaging, she'll get there eventually. For a negative example, my friend has very strong Contagion and Concern, even individually. Together, these will frequently overwhelm his Regulation. When he is regulating well, his Accuracy and Engagement are so incredibly high, he makes everyone around him feel energized and included. However, when he is overwhelmed, 5 of the aspects shut down, leaving only Concern For Others - he will feel completely inferior to his friends, and assume they feel as negatively about him as he does himself. Wait, this wasn't supposed to be an essay. ...I'm still posting it, sue me.

[@c.r.k.7162]

I would like to read this book. Thanks for the info ❤️‍🩹