Shame & recovery from narcissistic abuse: Part 2 - How shame can show up in our daily lives

[@mores5780]

I always thought I am an extreme introvert by nature. No. It is because I'm afraid of other people. I don't feel safe unless I'm alone.

[@diatribe5]

Nothing wrong with being an introvert either way. But, yeah, other people can be complicated.

[@Shayne_T]

I relate.. I was more outgoing as a child but became more introverted as an adult.. my mother hated my confidence and made sure to squash it.. she’s a malignant narcissist. I wish you healing and a feeling of safety around safe people.

[@lindac6919]

Frankly, I think that's a very valid attitude. People are the most unsafe things in the world.

[@JessAnonymous]

Same!!! I always said I'm just an introvert...to an extent I am, but I definitely had agoraphobia for yeaarrsss

[@kimberlymccracken747]

When I really had had enough I began to recite out loud and at least once to my narcissistic Mother 1) "There's nothing wrong with me!" 2) "I deserve better!" and 3) You were supposed to protect me! 👍💯 I appreciate that explanation of the contempt these abusers have for those they scapegoat. I couldn't understand what that was all about - the contempt my own parents had for me before, during or after their emotional or verbal attacks.

[@MD-vb1hq]

I have literally described the physical pain in my body like I'm trapped in a shell.

[@matc2679]

You are the most talented therapist by far. I really wish you get the recognition and reward you deserve.

[@pavla2055]

My hands would get so painful all the time particularly riding in the car until I realized how much I was tensed up through my shoulders and clenching my hands - my mother often used to rage at me while only her and I were in the car - no witnesses . She was so convinced that I owed her a lifetime of offloading her shame and rage onto me that she had the mother of all out screaming rages at me when I was 30 yrs old when no one else was around . I managed to unfreeze myself and gather my things and walk out without saying a word . By this time I was well aware she wanted a scream off with me when she went into this behaviour . She was so shocked , mouth hanging open . She appeared at the front door as I was getting in the car screaming ' I PUT UP WITH MY MOTHER"S MISERABLENESS !' She showed up at my door 4 months later after no contact to tell me she had cancer thinking I was obligated to care for her now . Too late . Such relief when she died . What use to the human experience these type of people are I don't know .

[@Ottermoonoracle]

I feel like our moms are the same, I’m so sorry you went through this.

[@fancynancylucille]

I am a Mom. I am a victim. I have raged at my children. I have watched my sisters rage at their children. The amount of rage that I have expressed toward my children is a drop in the ocean compared to the 9 hour days of constant screaming and swearing and character assassinating that my father indulged in. It is a ripple effect. It doesn't all go away in one generation. I wish. And my adult children hate me, too, sometimes. Thank God, not all the time! There has to be some forgiveness somewhere. I am going to say it again: The abuse my father suffered as a child was OFF THE CHARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poor little guy. He didn't stand a chance.

[@Lyrielonwind]

You did what you have to do; break her chains upon you. I have a narcissist mother who is old and she might survive me since I don't think she ever miss a minute of shame, guilt or sleep. She's over nine years old (I won't ever reach that age and I don't want to) and b*tching about me for sure...I hope there's a Hell awaiting her, although she may be able to trick the 😈. If she dies before me; no way I'll attend to her funeral...there will be the whole Inquisition there in all forms; siblings, relatives and friendnemies. A whole court of vultures.

[@linneajohnson5362]

My mother also played on her cancer to call me asking me to run around for her. She was too sick, etc. I said no one time and am positive she never forgot. I had a small child and other probs. Anyway, I was family scapegoat and a servant according to mummy. She did pass away.♥️🌛

[@leahflower9924]

I had that too, riding in the car with anyone was always a more tense experience than being at home

[@suzannebunbury2961]

This is gut wrenching. I’m crying

[@djhrecordhound4391]

Thank you for these videos. Shame is hard to get rid of, even if the people who instilled it are long gone

[@kaystephens2672]

I think as children we know something's wrong. We just try to love them through it.

[@TheDenizsaribas]

Now, I figure out why my trapezius muscles are tensing so often. Wow! I could never imagine I freeze like I did in the times my mom yelled at me or hit me when I was a child. This was really insightful. Thank you again!

[@fancynancylucille]

I freeze like this all the time. It just feels like a malfunction. Nice to know what it is.

[@DavidFraser007]

It took me years after I left home to realise and recognise when people were trying to induce shame into me. If you don't know what it is , it can really shut you up. When somebody told me the about the tactics of it, the penny dropped. Strangely it was just a casual conversation and not directed at me , but it kind of changed my life.

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

Jay I believe you have important insights to offer on the.internal experience of being a survivor of narcissistic abuse. Not only was the abuse relentless and pervasive in my case including recruiting flying monkeys, smearing me behind my back to extended family, but denigrating any childhood friends I might have or relationships with friendly neighbor ( the possibility of developing any of those relationships very soon withered away) left me profoundly isolated in a very unique way. I developed the passionate desire to protect my little brother and was always trying to protect him. This goal helped keep me alive metaphorically as Well as possibly literally. I often felt suicidal as a child but.i felt I must hold on for my helpless little brother. This is the first.time I have heard of the mechanism of focussing on others. Thank you. I was somewhat aware of this process but not quite so clearly until I watched your most recent video today. I firmly believe you have so much insight to offer. I hope you will write about this too as thus needs to be articulated in the world literature on the subject.

[@taniab845]

I'm so sorry for what you experienced. In one of Jay's other videos he explained that becoming a people pleaser was the child's natural ability to survive. We have to give ourselves a lot of credit for how smart and resilient we were as children. The narcissist is not as strong as us, when they are challenged by forces greater than them they crumble quickly.

[@dakoderii4221]

@@taniab845 "Forces greater than them" Like a small breeze? Everything seems to cause envy and hatred in them

[@taniabluebell3099]

True

[@JessAnonymous]

​@@dakoderii4221fax 😂 they're jealous and envious and anything and everyone it's actually insane

[@charissaschalk5175]

Excellent points - thank you. I can especially identify with focusing on others, because that became what I believed I should do. I felt guilty if I focused on myself! As I've learned more about narcissism, I've become convinced that the position in relationship is an important factor. My mother was the narcissist in relationship to her children, but she was the victim in relationship with her father and with others in positions of power in her life. I'd describe it as, if a person suffers from that deep sense of shame, and can't bear focusing inward, they'll be caught in the narcissism/victim pattern, always focusing outward and always playing one role or the other, but not necessarily always the same role. I think it depends on who has the power in the relationship. Have others noticed the same thing?

[@gheles]

O yes, my parents were both narcissictic, my father's victims were his children and my mother and my mother's victims were her two daughters ,but my brother was her golden child.

[@nancywutzke5392]

@@gheles Your brother served as your mothers surrogate husband. Same as my brother-the golden child.

[@kerrymillar1267]

You have just described my whole life. I have spent my life being blamed by others and then turning inwards on myself. You are spot on with the freeze response and the holding of the shoulder muscles and hardly breathing when I feel unsafe. Even though I understand this cognitively it’s so hard to change. Thank you for making people with these patterns feel understood. Spent my whole youth being a people pleaser and in service to others, I’m also a nurse. Now I just avoid people because I’m unable to keep boundaries.

[@piprogers4638]

What you say about shame being a coping mechanism to survive, to keep the abuse at a certain level, without which I may not have survived, is a very helpful insight. Thank you. I can't wait for your advice on how to heal this shame.

[@alicecoppers8980]

It’s called empathy. Narcissist lack empathy for all except self.

[@RippleDrop.]

I am processing feeling guilty as my sister, often has this incredibly guilting, aggression and *contempt* towards me. Like I am wrong, she looks at me with disgust and contempt and it has created self-loathing and a sense of powerlessness in me. There is something about the power dynamic as being the smaller sibling. I do not even know what she dispises and finds me disgusting in me. It _seems_ to be that I do not praise her as much as she thinks I should and she feels I owe her. What? I think she actually feels disgusted with herself but tells me she believes she is the perfect woman. Just writing this makes me see how ridiculous the whole thing is and she is placing that shame on me!!

[@tanyakashyap6944]

Your premise is quite similar to Dr.Ross Rosenberg.. I have to add from my own childhood experience that the shame that's inculcated creates a fundamental dissociation from their sense of self.. This is very unconscious.. if not identified you inevitably live in a state of dissociation from your real self for the rest of your conscious life.

[@taniab845]

My sister was the lost child until she reached college. Her and my mom grew close when she was no longer afraid of my mom. They became 'fast friends' sometime when my sister was 20. This is when my sister started her covert attacks on me, I'm two years younger than her. I often felt she had disproportionate contempt for me, especially since her and I were friends in high school and college. It also led to triangulation, often my mom and sister who would team up and attack me. By the time I reached my mid 20s my sister would often say "if we weren't sisters we would not be friends". She let me know she disapproved of my interests, even minor things like movie genres. It was another way she could shame me.

[@vivianvennicia]

My mom groomed my sister to hate me as well. It took a few years of going no contact with my mom for her to show her ugly side to my sister. But now she can see it but it is too late My sister has no idea how to treat me with respect. The relationship is dead. I moved away.

[@taniab845]

@Sara Fox I knew my parents would likely never be there for me. So I really trusted my sister. In a way her betrayal was worse than my parents. Because I thought she was my friend and I trusted her.

[@taniab845]

@@vivianvennicia Sorry to hear that. That was one of the hardest parts for me to realize, that my mom setup for me and my siblings to be pitted against each other. I thought we could band together. I told someone recently "your siblings fear of your mom is stronger than whatever bond they have with you". I thought I was the exception but like you realized things will never change and they will always cave to the mother.

[@vivianvennicia]

@@taniab845yeah nah. They can pretend to be on your side but only to stab you in the back in one way or another. They can't see what they are doing or understand why it is wrong. If they do have some awareness they get more emotional energy out of causing harm. Just get away from them and never look back.

[@taniab845]

@@vivianvennicia I agree. The relationship is conditional and any loyalty you think you have with them they are quick to betray you to save themselves. I have since done that, moved away, went no contact. My brothers were the last people I went no contact with. They were more afraid of my parents rather than keeping their word in not sharing anything about me with family members.

[@gheles]

I love all your videos Jay,they go to the core of narcissism and to the real feelings of the victims,you have given a new meaning to my experiences in my life ,thank you.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Listening to this over and over….it is brilliant!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

[@fancynancylucille]

When I was in school, we did not call people "Narcissists" when they had holes in their souls and never felt whole. We said they suffered from "ego deficit".

[@nancywutzke5392]

Seriously i just wish people would stop having children. The majority of people are horrendous parents. I chose not to because i knew i was so emotionally damaged that i was terrified i would ruin them. I just wish people would THINK. Most people have children for their own selfish needs. It's so sad.

[@Shayne_T]

I agree with you. Even non narcissists can be damaging parents, imagine narcissistic people.. and narcissists. It’s sad.

[@josiemalone1013]

That’s why I didn’t have kids, either. Then deal with the pressure to have them as if women aren’t whole human beings without being a mother.

[@nancywutzke5392]

@@josiemalone1013 Exactly!

[@barrymcnamara]

Lol😂

[@lindac6919]

I think people should be born sterile. I think people should have to make effort and pay money and work hard to become fertile. Maybe then, parents would treat their children as precious and important.

[@christinag.2137]

Jay - you are right on about this. I can vividly remember my earliest experience of trying to ‘hide’ after a nasty comment from my mother. I would sit on the bottom step in a dark stairway feeling pain and confusion but hidden. A great deal of my life has been has been characterized by a sense of needing to or trying to hide. And this has gone on for a very long time. Thank you for helping me to be able to understand the origin and the characteristics of this part of my identity that I knew was there but struggled to understand. May God bless you and your work.

[@jaredmclaughlin7806]

Oh Good Lord Jay. You are fantastic. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For going into such great detail and helping me connect the dots on things that I've experienced that I didn't have a vocabulary for. And didn't really know how to manage. The first example that comes to mind is my experience with college and money. Both my parents are narcissists. My mother is the center piece, the dominant one in the family, that controls the show. But my father is strongly narcissistic as well and manifests it differently. He's the silent type, that you mentioned in a separate video, that has trouble connecting with others, and was, I am sure, targeted by my mother for that reason. But anyway - he has his own deep insecurities and need for dominance. How he deals with it is through money. He has always wanted to control money. That's how he feels good about himself. And this has lead to him using money for the purposes of financial abuse. Example - I come from blue collar roots, although my family was largely lower middle class growing up. They didn't save at all for my college education. The way I thought about our financial situation and paying for college was originally completely without shame. I didn't think bad about myself at all. And I didn't think bad about them. I was actually in many ways proud. I thought to myself "Every generation of McLaughlins has worked hard to get better and better and to provide a better life for their children." I was proud of that progress. And It didn't bother me when it became apparent that my parents really couldn't afford my college education. I thought to myself, "I can work for a year and save up. Or I can join the military or something. And we can find a way." When I was "going up in the world" I always wanted to take my family with me. But they definitely didn't see it that way. They once said to me "We're not hicks!" And I thought "I never once thought you were." So the money part. I got into a really good, expensive school. A huge opportunity. And easily 90% of the people there came from wealthy families and attended private schools as a leg up before college. When it came time to figure out how to pay for college, my father would always freak out. But of course, he would never take responsibility for his freak out. He would make me the one who was freaking out all the time, but my response was only a reaction to him. He would always say "I'll take care of it." But then never would. I would plead over and over again, "Okay, if you want to be involved, just tell me how much you can afford. Or how much you can contribute." But he would NEVER do that. He would freak out on me and then end it with "I'll take care of it." Well, he didn't take care of it. I was left without money for basic expenses. And by that, I mean food. And junior year it was customary for the students to live off campus. He was late EVERY MONTH with rent. Embarrassing me in front of my roommates. I'd have to take time away from class and instead of putting my mind on studies, or finding a wife, or developing as a young adult as my focus should have been at that time, instead I had to always worry about money. It's like he got off on me having to go to him for money. He derived pleasure for me basically coming to him and having to beg. Me having to humiliate myself. So, I became ashamed about money. If I couldn't afford money to go out with my friends, I was ashamed. My friends thought I was rejecting them, but it wasn't really that, it was just that I was ashamed and didn't want to tell them what it really was. This continued all throughout college. I never really crossed the line of getting pissed and just putting my foot down. I should have said "Obviously, you can't handle it." And then just joined the army or something. But I didn't want to believe that my father was like that. Or that he wanted me to be humiliated, and that's how he felt good about himself. So I kept giving him more chances and more chances and more chances. And it pretty much ruined my college experience. My ability to get into a PhD program. Not only because of the preoccupation of having to always worry about money when I have been worrying about school work. But also the EXHAUSTION I was constantly experienced. The only thing that got him even a little bit off my back was working some bullshit minimum wage job. And minimum wage isn't going to pay for Boston College. It's like he couldn't do 2nd grade math. Jared makes $500 a month from his bullshit job. His expenses are $2000 per month. Should Jared continue to work this bullshit job? Or would it be better for Jared to take out a student loan, so he can get a job making $4000 per month after college? The things he made me do out of shame, kept me from. achieving the goals I had for myself in life. And then in grad school (masters), I was literally working 60 hours a week WHILE also working full time. Up till 2am, up at 5am, work, class, work, studying all night, being a zombie in class, and being BEYOND stressed out every day. I carried that shame with me for the next 20 years. Working bullshit jobs that were below my abilities. Jobs that were basically "dead end" jobs. But carrying with me the shame that it was my fault that I couldn't my bills. And when I got into credit card debt for FOOD. The shame was even worse. It took me a good 10 years to get out of credit card debt working these bullshit jobs. And valuable years that would have been better spent doing other things. And I was alone. Always alone. I didn't want anyone to know me. I thought I basically wasn't okay, wasn't acceptable to interact with friends, or to find a wife/girlfriend because I couldn't do that while in debt. I didn't connect with others because of that shame. I though of myself as inferior, as undeserving of basic human contact until I pulled myself out of my financial hole I was in. I couldn't get the good job because I didn't have the education for it. And I couldn't get the education for it because I was always working bullshit jobs where I couldn't earn enough without working myself to death, and not even then. I carried that shame with me for the next 25 years. I let all my college relationships go because I thought of myself as unworthy until I achieved financial success. I didn't want anyone to know me. One time, I remember listinging to Dostoesky's Crime and Punshment and feeling like I was the main character (Raskonicoff) and feeling the incredible shame. The main character was a MURDERER, and I felt so bad about myself that I identified with him! For what? Just because I was in credit card debt because my dad insisted on paying for everything but then wouldn't pay for FOOD! Looking back my friends would have understood. Girlfriends would have understood, and not held it against me. It was all in my head. And I lost some great relationships because of it. I was alone, always felt alone, for upwards of 25 years because of this. Even later when I went no contact, I still felt that shame. And still self isolated. I had a lot to offer. I denied my gifts (like in your other video). If I wasn't achieving something big at that money, I immediately went to "I am inferior. I am a loser. I am ashamed. No one can know. And I must be alone because I didn't want to know that part of me that I was deeply ashamed. So the way you described it, is perfect. That is exactly what I experienced. Shame. Alone. And I stayed in A LOT of abusive workplace situations. Looking back most of my bosses were narcissists. And when everyone else quit, I stayed in that work situation even when I was treated like shit. One job I worked a 48 hour shift, and didn't even get a thank you. Another job I averaged 86 hours per week (plus an hour commute each way) and worked 89 days in a row. And then my boss demoted me to cover his own ass. And I just took it. Feeling like I deserved that treatment. And I spent 25 years alone. 25 years where I didn't connect with others because of my intense feeling of shame. But that's not the real me. The real me isn't scared. The real me isn't ashamed in starting from humble beginnings. That's nothing to be ashamed of. The real me is logical. And doesn't feel shame at things he shouldn't be ashamed of. And the real me is good with money. And very of making sound logical decisions. He put that shame in me. And I was alone for 25 years because of it. But now I feel worthy of connections with people. I'm not ashamed when I struggle financially. People go through things that aren't even really their fault. As long as you are taking responsibility and taking actions to improve your situation, you're okay. You're respectable even when you have fallen on hard times. Thank for helping me understand where this came from. And thank you for helping me understand this voice in my head, making me feel ashamed, isn't my voice. It's the voice they put there. Thank you for helping me reclaim myself. Thank you so much Jay. These videos are truly awesome.

[@crshia]

These videos are so amazing - the analysis is so helpful in bringing everything to full consciousness.

[@prettypenne662]

You have a soothing voice.

[@nancywutzke5392]

Ya he does.

[@darya5293]

What a brilliant and percise perspective and knowledge, thank you!!

[@johnnyappleseed6960]

On the contrary, I lashed out in Anger & Disgust even as a small child.... Self-Presevation??....You bet ya! However, I could never get rid of the Anxiety & Tension...And my outward Anger & Disgust only caused everyone to believe I was a troubled child worthy of Suspicion.

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

So many things to consider in this one Jay, very deep analysis and spot on with this old black sheep. I did turn to helping others after I went no contact. I think it was for 2 reasons though, the 1st being what you speak about here, the 2nd was just a realization that I'd led a pretty selfish lifestyle, had been too focused on my own pleasures and comfort. So it's I guess a coping tool, as you describe, but I also have a strong resolve to be a positive influence on those I come in contact with, anywhere along the path. None of this is easy, and your videos are so helpful Jay, thanks so much. Stay strong friends.

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

I have had major health issues and now I believe it is from clenching my abdomen and chest area. I have gut, lung, and heart issues and pain. These videos describe my experiences in ways no one else has. I recently found this channel and am deeply appreciative of the insights and explanations of topics. I am gaining so much awareness that the new understanding is giving me a foundational lattice to open up feelings of anger I could not genuinely feel. I tried to intellectually access my anger for last decade, but now I am feeling genuine anger, like something has been unlocked for me. My anger was caged and muzzled and hidden…finally it is set free so I can feel and express it. I believe this will help me with my physical recovery. Thank you so much for freely sharing this vital information. You are such an important resource for me and I’m sure many others.

[@yerin2272]

Inspiring! I appreciate your videos, Jay

[@cassandramartin-smith3354]

I grew up with an abusive violent narcissistic parent and have still yet to have a long term relationship without turning into my mother because i learnt all my communication things from her and I am doing my best to forgive and let it go and work through it so i can finally have a healthy relationship one day with another man

[@leahflower9924]

They determine you need to be the scapegoat so you sell yourself out to them so you aren't abandoned

[@jillloy3319]

Wow! This statement is so true. It kind of sums it all up.

[@dapsolita]

Also, tucking one’s tail....this eventually leads to the pandemic of knee, low back and hip injuries.

[@suziedickinson6202]

I can really relate to the tension in the shoulders and stomach. I look back on some of my teenage photos and see myself hunched over, or trying to make myself look smaller as if trying to avoid an attack or impact (psychologically/emotionally). Also hunched over the heart to protect that. Really love these videos - they make so much sense.

[@Chahlie]

Huh. Spent my whole life attacking and demeaning myself. "Mild dislike to intense loathing" is what would happen when I looked in the mirror. If I could have a 'super power' it would be to seek out and vapourize narcissists. Mm, no, more like pouring water on the wicked witches, just to have that one moment of triumph.

[@annewoods3528]

I have several versions of my inner child. One of them looks like an emaciated concentration camp survivor. I imagine holding it. It was limp on my lap. I think it was my youngest inner child, at a preverbal age. It showed up in my dreams sometimes, often with reference to death. Sometimes I simply hear the unconsolable wailing of a baby. I try to get in touch with it by imaging holding her close to my chest. The other day, that exercise made my whole body warm, down to my finger tips and toes. It was amazing.

[@irenahabe2855]

🤗🤗

[@zahara6355]

Being around us reminds them who they really are...the wrongs they've done. They hate the shame they feel for treating me badly. They hate the shame they feel for who they really are, what's inside of them which they try to hide by putting on a facade.

[@lisbethsalander1723]

Do they even consider that they were anything but so righteous and justified ?.. have experienced nothing but more attack and ongoing slander... and I am a senior.

[@firehorse9996]

@Zahara Don't try to pin normal human feelings on NPD monsters. In the past couple of years I've confronted my parents unsuccessfully numerous times. Neither one admits any wrongdoing, accepts any responsibility, both completely deny the fact that my siblings and I all had a horrible childhood. To make things worse, my mother gaslights me, insisting "That NEVER HAPPENED." These old Narcs have no conscience and will take it with them to their grave.

[@kellyyork3898]

….apologizing for things that are not your fault and for issues you did not cause.

[@mariasmith2297]

Thanks for taking on this confusing yet essential topic

[@lauriedmills7581]

The thumbs down/dislike button is really "The Narcissist's Button".

[@THEECHOCHAMBER1]

This is absolutely fantastic. Thank you

[@linneajohnson5362]

Thank you Jay, for your videos. They are helping me to understand my family dynamics. I am/was the scapegoat ♥️🌛

[@emmabrooker166]

An example of contempt from my narcissist mother: she and her partner took the train to visit me and my toddler age son. She was in excitable mood and delighted in telling me they had just managed to have sex on the train - on seeing my shocked face and "EW! Mom I don't need to know this!" she transformed instantly into a contemptuous, sneering, eyerolling superior "Ohhh, you're such a prude! So boring!".

[@mysticsuzi]

Freezing and melting into the fabric of the chair or into the wallpaper. I would get super still and slow down my breathing when my mother or my ex would be raging. If I said anything it would make the raging worse so if I just froze and took myself out of the situation by becoming invisible, I could wait till the raging was over, I knew it would reach a peak and then start to come down. Yikes

[@vivianvennicia]

Very insightful. I enjoy your videos.

[@sittingstill3578]

This is why shame is an overwhelming reality in Asian cultures. Listen to the stories from children that have grown up in this family environment. The “narcissistic tiger” caregiver is lauded from the outside but their parenting produces all of these symptoms in their trustees.

[@lauriedmills7581]

Thank you :). Very meaningful. Your words brought to mind the concept of Moral Injury; perhaps there's a "healthy" amount of shame in that the acceptance that there is "something wrong with me" because human beings are capable of both good and evil, mistakes etc so being mindful of that is perhaps a mature self-assessment for eg we all have the potential to commit murder/adultery/theft/whatever. This suggests self-discipline is the appropriate response to this understanding of basic humanity. However (there it is) when we are "victim perpetrators" then the grey areas can cause havoc in the psyche, soma, soul of a person - I refer to Moral Injury, where someone in authority &/or a situation forces a choice between one thing or another, both of which are wholly against one's moral values, spiritual beliefs, humanity... then shame bites hardest. A person learns the limits of one's self, obtains one's own measure, finds the edges of who they are as a living soul, preferring love for one's neighbour (in the general sense) yet having to choose something harmful against him/her instead. Moral Injury is a hellish way of learning that there are, and need to be, absolutes re certain things, what is right and what is wrong, and discernment of the dynamics of the situation, who is/not responsible for what. Some of the most wonderful moments in life is the realisation that certain shame does not belong to me and returning it to its rightful owner is a good thing.

[@Ottermoonoracle]

Is this freeze sort of dissociative? I feel myself going into this state now and then in my adult years, but definitely during attacks while my mother would berate me for hours alone in her room. I’ve forgotten a lot of my childhood, good and bad, and i wonder if this chronic freezing were moments where I was not forming memory

[@Chahlie]

I've noticed lately (been in recovery for two years) that it almost seems like it all happened to another person and I look at any memories in a very detached way. It's weird.

[@narcabusevictimgermany9687]

I am a Scapegoat til this day or get easily triggered by humans.

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

I have not finished watching yet but I have two thoughts that just came into my brain & I want to archive them here 1) 9:35+ "tensing of the trapezius muscles " oh, my, god Oh my god My whole life & with the few ppl I've been able to trust they see me do this & I also flinch my athletics help me have a smooth controlled appearance but my hyper vigilance will wake this up when put on the defensive. You are so correct about the skills victims acquire & I agree they are amazing I have met other victims & I am always amazed to witness the incredible disciplines they have they are very polite law abiding people. One skill that is hard wired into me is to be noiseless this is extremely advantageous because when you dont make a single sound ou can easily tell if someone is spying on you it works as you know we have many long term skills like this having adapted without any family support not allowed to have friends & preyed upon by other criminal predators & as children---. 2) Also something I will not clarify for reasons that might be obvious to you that I'd like you to perhaps address even more in the future if you feel compelled :is how narcissistic abusers attract more predators to their victims. I know you know global statistics shows this to definitely be the case We even have scales of narcissism where we celebrate unrepentant abusers & erase their victims and this is always always set against those who are empirical who use data & records to see events as they actually happened & their effects (evolution of law, psychiatry, freedom, science, medicine, etc ..) terrified of celebrating unrepentant abusers & terrified of erasing their victims very interesting paradox you also explain very well .Dr Reid Paradoxes.

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

"FEELING ALIVE IN ONES MIND" OH MY GOD.

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

*I literally painted my brain as a child* ill post in the future this painting to you: I thought "I will forget myself as long as im abused by everyone in my life, no mother no father no siblings no friends no one helping me isolated forced to exist in poverty not drive no health dental literally nothing used hand me downs, everyone beating burning raping me, blaming me for these things, I dont exist" holy crap dr Reid

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

Thank you so much ❣️😊 🙏

[@jpscali1386]

Thanks for another great video!

[@michaelgarrow3239]

I used to crawl into the kitchen cabinets and close the door.

[@kimlec3592]

@ Michael Garrow : i'd escape by climbing into the milk box in the wall & get out & walk up the road. Yes i was very small.

[@wendyralekoa9729]

Lol

[@michaelgarrow3239]

@@wendyralekoa9729 - It was a coping response to abuse. What is funny?

[@oliviaswann4686]

I'm a self-attacker. I wasn't a child but I worked for a bunch of narcs, and I only got romantically involved with one of them cos he raped me, but that relationship was hard to leave. I left the job I loved too of course. It's still my go-to strategy in survival mode.

[@karineanddanify]

Thank you so much for this info! Soooo very helpful to know while on a healing journey.

[@Harry-qw5jv]

Thank you so much, this one is just going to be watched over and over by me

[@kaworunagisa4009]

Oh, crap. Seems like when I finally get the funds for a psychotherapist, I'll need a unicorn who gets narcissistic abuse, neurodiversity, and gender dysphoria, because there are way too many overlaps between different things with different reasons. Like, finding oneself physically disgusting from narc abuse vs the same from gender dysphoria, or tensing all over from a freeze vs the same as stimming. Or is it possible to work with 3 therapists explicitly allowing them to consult with each other? Looking forward to the strategies. Even though every time I untangle a piece of narc crap, a bunch of other issues, previously masked by the narc crap, jump out.

[@faridahnakigozi2895]

I wouldn't be surprised if you discovered that neurodiversity and gender dysphoria are coping mechanisms or co-morbid with the narcissistic abuse trauma. Whatever you discover, good luck with your journey to healing and wholeness.

[@kaworunagisa4009]

@@faridahnakigozi2895 Thank you for the sentiment but that's not how these things work, actually. Neurodiversity is the result of physical differences in the brain, inborn in the vast majority of cases, although it is possible to get a pretty close equivalent via brain injury. And gender dysphoria is, to oversimplify (not insulting your intelligence, I just don't want to go into lecture mode), a disconnect between your physical body and how society perceives it vs. how your brain is wired to see it and what your brain is wired to expect your body to be, and that is also inborn and unchangeable.

[@sarahbrown1398]

Really good content. Thank you. Just one thing, do you think you could pause a few seconds between sentences?

[@Maria-cd5bz]

Thanks

[@everyonehasincommon1216]

I watch Jay EVER DAY. sometimes I watch a few times during the day. But some content is just too much for me. Idk why. I can't bare listening to it. Like this one about shame. I had to stop in the middle. Anyone else experience that?

[@nancybartley4425]

What books can you recommend on this topic?

[@eatingsushi3408]

How do you know this shit?! I feel understood finally

[@chris-vo1nh]

We would siit there , if you have nothing decent to say , say nothing , say nothing , everyone in total silence , we laugh , what have i said if you got nothing decent to say , say nothing , sit up straight , dont slouch , what have i told you sit up straight , total silence , family night in , total control freak

[@Lyrielonwind]

So, scapegoats become saviors of any pitiful being, who usually is a covert narcissist, in order to feel there's a resurrection for their own self and feeling entitled of being alive...and the wheel keeps on turning in the same direction...that's why I hate people who jumps saying "to follow and surrounder to the path of Jesus Christ" which is a way: " die for our sins...and I respect Jesus Christ but narcissist don't see him as a rebel or someone who was his own self despite everyone; they see him as the one who should pay for their sins...and that's why I think the messianic psycho is the worst in their evil species.