Tools for living alongside shame after narcissistic abuse

[@lolo9553ify]

Thanks for these tips. I've had what I call 'freezing episodes' since I was a child. In social situations that go longer than an hour or two, I sometimes suddenly freeze and can't speak. It's nearly impossible to think or take action other than running away from the situation. I never linked these episodes to shame specifically but the narcissists in my life would insult, ridicule and accuse me of so much that I eventually deigned myself unfit for human company. Even if you're on your own in doing so and no one in your unit supports you doing this, you must root out the source of these insults and reject the shame they injected you with. Use techniques that work for you. Adapt them to yourself. Claim your mind and body for your own purposes so the narcissists can no longer use you to maintain themselves. They already have a body and mind. They cannot have yours. Yours is for You.

[@Uberqueenbee]

I felt almost like a fainting goat

[@lolo9553ify]

@@Uberqueenbee I hear you.

[@christar9527]

I froze up and couldn’t speak and a few times I couldn’t move! The latter was frightening. Like you I deemed myself unfit for human company. I’m a little better now. Thanks for your supportive words.

[@lolo9553ify]

Thank you for sharing that. Here's to unfreezing and continued progress and better adventures in life...

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I agree.

[@prettypenne662]

I am a survivor. Trying my best to get back to my old self.

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

Same, we got this.

[@missyk2984]

@@TheBlackSheepDiaries r

[@DavidFraser007]

You know you're winning when a narcissist calls you shameless.

[@honoryourself2098]

Or selfish

[@DavidFraser007]

@@honoryourself2098 Refusing to be shamed is selfish? Please explain.

[@honoryourself2098]

@@DavidFraser007 when a narcissist calls you selfish

[@DavidFraser007]

@@honoryourself2098 Ah, right, you had me going there. Yes, You¨re right, I was called selfish too, lots of nasty things.

[@TomHuckACAB]

Projection. Yes!

[@martialmusic]

You may or may not know that your psychological attack on shame exactly parallels Joseph Wolpe’s method of undoing anxiety- systematic desensitization. There one alternates in one’s mind between the anxiety producing situation and a profoundly relaxed state. This results often times in the person often recovering from their anxiety disorder.. You are suggesting here alternating between a shame state (which should produce anxiety too) and a pride state- which we could hypothesize should gradually cause shame to diminish or disappear over time. This is worthy of systematic research. Robert Morecook, PhD Psychologist

[@helenas7416]

The dual awareness concept comes from Marsha Linehan ?

[@palominoshine7838]

There is a yoga pose called legs up a wall and the first time I did it was in a yoga class. I spontaneously started to cry ,no warning just it was out before I new it . The yoga instructor was a calm witness and affirmed my contact with grief was normal. I think it had something to do with the accessing the nervous system like letting it’s guard down. The body wants to heal as much as we do.

[@DJBenito304]

❤

[@Sipndoodledoodlers1]

The same thing happened to me!!

[@ravenel2]

Your thoughts on shame are life altering. Thinking about it this way makes me free. I’m thinking like my role in life was that of an oyster or a tree filtering out toxic environments. It helps me make sense of all the narcissist abuse. Like I had a soul contract, I did it, and I’m free. I wonder if we can apply the same neutralizing tactics to fear as well as shame-or really all negative emotion? Thinking it was only there to dial us down in childhood so we didn’t attack the abusers? Would that cause us to eliminate all negative emotions with ease? The shame tricks are so mind blowing that I just think, oh, well, it’s there because I am filtering someone else’s shame. I no longer feel shame about feeling shame!

[@mariaridler1831]

Your comment has helped me make sense of my shame! Thank you 🙏

[@vee1267]

Damn. I really needed to see this right now. I’ve been slowly but surely recovering since I finally left my parents and moved in with my grandma (who unlike them, is actually emotionally supportive, patient, understanding, and willing to let me exist without constant judgement)… and yet, whenever I have to do something for myself, I all-too-often find myself freezing up. I used to think it was just a product of my executive functioning problems (courtesy of ADHD and Autism, lucky me) but now that I’ve had time to process my past better I’m realizing just how much of it was a holdover from my old narc parent survival skills - “stay quiet and perfectly still so dad won’t notice you, and he won’t tear you to shreds like a mental chew-toy” and “just stop setting yourself up for extra stress & allow mom to take complete control of the situation on your behalf like she’s always frothing at the mouth to do, because it’s not like you’re capable of doing anything for yourself anyway and she always meddles anyway, so why not cut out the extra effort & just passively screw around on the internet in the meantime so you can at least enjoy the one thing that makes you happy at home” those might be effective methods to survive until tomorrow while keeping the emotional pain and fear to a minimum, but they’re TERRIBLE habits to have once you’ve escaped and want to be a functioning member of society. It doesn’t help that being stuck at home with them during the first two years of the pandemic, turned everything up to eleven. I would literally spend HOURS hiding in my room, on my bed, playing games on my phone and watching KZbin videos as silently as possible so the household tyrant wouldn’t notice my presence & use me as a verbal punching bag for the next 30 minutes just to take out his frustrations about being cooped up on me. I think that chapter of my life really just made my self-defeating habits even worse because again, at the time, they were *necessary*.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Jay, I've been watching you since early '21 but not sure if I've ever commented. I come from a narc / schizophrenic / sociopathic / alcoholic family and you have helped me so much after another "discard". You understand and explain these concepts so well and have helped me piece together my shame responses, etc. and understand what I'm going through. With therapists like you and a few others on KZbin, etc., I feel like we're in a sort of revolution addressing these ruthless abusers and how they run families, institutions, etc. What's so fascinating to me about them is that while they create tremendous damage, they are like the Wizard of Oz, just a terrified puppeteer lacking a soul hiding behind a curtain. If we create awareness about these behaviors and the effect they have on people, we can create a level of awareness as we have with racism and sexism (not that either have been solved ...). I see Epstein and Maxwell being arrested and prosecuted as a signal that the tides have truly turned (and how infamous narc Trump assisted in Epstein's cover up in Florida). Thank you for helping us see our worth and helping us reclaim our voices. This abuse is harsh and at times they are very dangerous, but the attacker is a damaged person who is tormented in ways we will never have to feel. It is traumatic to be victimized but we can recover, our abusers don't have that option.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Thanks for this comment.

[@amaliasher2832]

Thank you, Jay, for clearly and compassionately explaining the complex components of being raised by, or in living with, a narcissist. These effects permanently warp a person and, like unwinding a knotted ball of string, take clarity and understanding from others to unravel. Your videos have compassion, patience, and show a relevant path for all of us trying to figure it out and to hopefully, regain our lost and authentic selves. Your work is worthwhile to so many people. Your extensive research, understanding of a complex subject, elucidation and connection through video is a miracle to us who need to hear it. Thank you, with great gratitude, for who you are and what you are doing.

[@narcabusevictimgermany9687]

Jay, the biggest nightmare that has happened to me is that I am totally isolated, loosing touch to humans and they spit me out or even ignore me fully now. Noone loves me, noone wants to be my friend and if they do, they abuse or hurt me or use me or exploit me.

[@edgreen8140]

If your w a narc of course they want to hurt you it make them feel strong in a compensatory way. So don't let them know how u feel.

[@MshAhmxiO1]

break free and redefine you life... self compassion through the process

[@honoryourself2098]

We have to take care not to ignore or abuse ourselves. Getting in touch with your own truth, your intuition and honouring it will help you to determine which friendships are really not in your best interest. Fortifying your personal boundaries is imperative, to ensure that untrustworthy people are kept at a distance.

[@rascallyrabbit]

hi darlin....I felt this too. forgive me if my suggestion offends you, but I ran to Jesus and watched Joyce Meyer videos and Joel Osteen to rebuild myself in a safe, loving environment. God can comfort you and little by little you will BE again who you were created to be.🙋‍♀️

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@rascallyrabbit Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen are wolves in sheep's clothes. Just read the Word of God (Jesus/the TRUTH) and avoid those liars. They mix ear tickling things in with lies to deceive you.

[@ananovakovic5579]

The resources given here, the thought that went to this video.... Thank you. It is so beautiful and nurturing❤

[@charissaschalk5175]

I've been pretty well buried by shame all week, and I must say, it's really hard to remember a situation in which I felt proud of myself! It really struck me that shame is an emotion that grows with attention, because I've noticed that almost all other negative emotions seem to fade more rapidly when given attention. It's helpful to know that shame is the exception to that rule. The Medusa analogy is interesting. I'm wondering if another way to implement that would be to identify the freezing shame as being imposed on us from the outside. Like, I'm experiencing it, but it isn't mine; it's just a reflection of the snake-lies someone else internalized and imposed on me. Because that level of shame is ALWAYS a lie, isn't it? Is anyone who has the capacity to experience shame actually deserving of it? As always, thanks, Jay. Your videos have been a great help to me.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Nobody is sinless and perfect (Romans 3:23). However, we Scapegoats of Narcissistic Abuse are forced to carry THEIR PROJECTED SHAME as well as our own shame, which usually came about by our naivety of the abuse we were experiencing and trying to please these monsters, thereby lowering our standards and doing things we would never have conceived of much less considered even for a second under normal circumstances. So, we are carrying a huge load of shame, our own AND the narcissist(s).

[@christar9527]

@@reesedaniel5835 Yes, that’s exactly right! They are evil monsters so you’re right about that too.

[@anniethompson1041]

Very well put

[@petakucas7389]

Hi Jay, I'm constantly in the past , both my parents have died and I still live like my Mother, she's the one who was the abuser, is living, the home phone still has her voice on the answer machine and it's been 2 years since she died. I was doing fine until I called my sister , who inherited the house , I was cut out, because I stood up to her, and hearing that voice it triggered me and I'm back in that sickening head space. I live 3k km away from that part of my life and now it's here inside me again . It's though that's for sure . I over react to everything

[@firehorse9996]

Hi Peta, Don't be too hard on yourself. Seems like you are not overreacting at all. You are living in the here and now, unlike your sister who has carried on for 2 years as if your mother were still alive and could return people's phone calls. Seriously, that's creepy. Like the guy in Psycho! NPD abusers and flying monkey family members always live in denial. Refuse to see reality. Good for you for getting -- and staying -- away. We are emotionally "enmeshed" with abusive family and it's really tough.

[@laurenonthecotee8466]

Thank you for all of your videos and especially for these tools and tips. I'm recovering from being the family Scapegoat and recently WOKE to my big sis (my hero, closest friend & only support from the fam) as my biggest gaslighter and narc. As I grieve & allow myself to remember decades of her abuse I'm also feeling a lot of family shame. I feel ocd with educating myself, arming myself and healing so I can get back to a very beautiful life I actually created for myself. I'm Forever Greatful!! ❤

[@DJBenito304]

I didn’t know I was freezing until he described what I thought was chronic shoulder pain in my traps and my grandpa used to notice me curling my toes in under my feet that I still do now as an adult” it’s amazing how we adapt unconsciously to these conditions as kids and just accept it as part of our selves as adults

[@lightbulb888]

Your heart is so big it takes both sides of your chest x

[@girlbythebeach]

This is a very timely video for me. I’m currently stuck in a shame spiral and it’s deeply unpleasant. Thanks for giving me a mirror to fight the Medusa

[@d.h.fremont3027]

My thoughts are now like a jumper able to avoid people who shame me and also my own bouts of shaming people who have hurt me. Your focus on the shaming aspect of abuse had been the gasoline for my recovery from a series of unfortunate events that kept spreading out through my lifetime. It's amazing how epidemic this shaming behavior has become.

[@fuzbugg]

it's true there are many many shamers in the world right now

[@CurtisMoe]

Jay, you are helping me so much with your videos. Just tonight, my girlfriend and I broke up, and the shame immediately came in like a tidal wave. Feeling unwanted.

[@johntim3491]

Jay, I'm pleased to see a mainstream therapist pulling on IFS, Parasympathetic Breathing, Peter Levine's work, Grounding & even Qigong. Unfortunately I can't work with you in California as I'm based in the UK. Your content is VERY useful for my own recovery in terms of establishing all the myriad ways in which the past has impacted me.

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

This is another helpful and enlightening video. It's the first time I have seen anyone to explain autogenic and somatic experiencing technique as well as psychological techniques to deal with the encompassing expweiences of shame. Thank you very much. You always offer so much of great value, Jay.

[@jpscali1386]

Your blog is so money. Love your KZbin channel too. Thank you for your insight. Please keep making content. It’s very helpful.

[@fancynancylucille]

Medusa. I love that interpretation.......Oh, man. I just remembered one of my all time greatest dreams. I was walking along the road with a little girl, holding her hand. She was about the size of a six year old. I didn't look at her right away. When I did, I realized that that was not hair on her head, but a thousand little black snakes, snakes with an eye at the end of each one. Black snakes, black eyes. She looked up at me so sweetly and innocently. She didn't even have a face, just snakes with eyes. She is my Little Medusa. I don't think I want her dead. But when I read people a little too well, I think she is the one doing it. The inward perspective on others that is the unique gift of the Introverted Intuitive. No wonder no one wants us around! Can it be that SHAME is the foundation of this creature who wants to turn everyone else to stone? Let me finish the video, again.......Ok, so Jay is saying the turning to stone thing represents the "freezing" experience we have when our shame is triggered (stage fright on steroids). Our interpretations aren't lining up..........

[@annastone5624]

So helpful thank you! Such practical advice. I have struggled to find any useful advice on shame, this is so helpful. 🙏🏻

[@denisel780]

This is such a great video and full of so much important information. Near the end where you are talking about learning to let yourself feel your anger.....that is such a big deal. It is so uncomfortable at first when we let ourselves do this, and it does make us feel ashamed. But over time we do get more comfortable with the range of emotions and the legitimacy of them too. Thank you.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Ya I saw Clash of the Titans in theaters when it came out. One of the last gems of stop action animation.

[@mariaridler1831]

Thank you you help me so much. This video has really struck a cord 🙏🙏🙏

[@ChuangSarah]

Thank you for offering practical tools to calm our traumatized self. I’ve been watching your videos for the past few days & they’re immensely insightful & helpful. So thank you!

[@KJ-ci7td]

My mom's favorite line to me growing up and well into my early 20s until I got out of that house: "you should be ashamed of yourself" and it would be for the dumbest things

[@mysticsuzi]

When my big red headed narc mother was screaming at me, I would freeze and melt into the wall or the furniture so she couldn't effect me. Then I noticed I was doing it when my Ex would do the exact same thing I had the same response. Going invisible saved me and I notice now when that is happening and try to notice and register it.

[@zzulm]

I can see your channel blowing up you have quality content

[@static-remission27]

Pegasus was born of Medusas blood. Medusa being the negative mother complex, an old dark presence in the back of the cave that extinguishes any light at the entrance. The horse is the human symbol of raw instinctual power in the psyche. When the mother is symbolically killed your power is available again like before you were shamed

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Glad there are two more in this series. I'm going to check out Adriene's Yoga for when you are stuck

[@izelleduvenage605]

Thank you Dr Reid for helping me on this journey, is there a link between surviving narcissistic abuse and a deep distrust toward religion and authority? Also if you can please give us some warning signs to look out for as parents who survived as scapegoats to be able to raise our children to be mentally stronger en healthier, is there things we may do to spare our children the pain of what we experienced? I think most of us are very conscience of trying to do right by our children, to be the parents we so desperately needed. I still live in fear even now, just commenting makes me fearful that my parents may read this and I will suffer their rebuke, I am in my late 30s, it took all my courage to comment.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Religious hypocrites nailed the Truth to a cross (Jesus Christ is the Truth). Religion is man made. They want you to confuse the two so that you will reject Jesus. He is not in those "churches"......You can find Him in the Bible on your own. He said "you need no man to teach you...."1 John 2:27

[@reesedaniel5835]

Jesus Christ was the ultimate Scapegoat.....

[@mariaridler1831]

Gosh you’re so brave to comment! I feel exactly the same way about parenting my two now adult children. I was so wary of making the same mistakes or damaging them like I was, it haunts and terrifies me still. I’ve done my best and always with the highest intention and love. But I still feel terribly guilty I’ve hurt them. I’d love to learn more about parenting as a scapegoated child but it’s probably too late for me

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Glad you commented.

[@thistree9028]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful insights and healing ideas. Very helpful. I’d add that I think groundlessness may mean vulnerability..

[@sarahbrown1398]

Really good information, how our anger shifts to shame. I see it in small children too. Thank you for your sharing insight.

[@avanimashroo]

Love ur Vocabulary

[@spetsnaz4027]

I need a lot of intensive therapy

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Thank you for these very useful much needed tools, tips and information.

[@aking3624]

Wonderful, amazing & life changing!! ❤ Thank you!!

[@prettypenne662]

Enjoying and learning glad for the information. I found myself looking for this today about shame. Thank you!!

[@karineanddanify]

Thank you! Very helpful!

[@HomeFrendsten]

Toxic relations create shame guilt and traumas If v have narctc relations v cant b what v want to b , in such relations v should get back our power and peace

[@longstoryshort8657]

thank you so much doctor

[@michaelgarrow3239]

It is a “shame” that an adult would teach these self destructive coping skills to a child.

[@jeananne2408]

Im glad i found this channel. Im learning lots of helpful new thingx and gaining insights. Thanks.

[@stardustinfinite5469]

This is so good! 🙏🏻

[@1980beeks]

Thank you so much. Your videos are a life saver.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Happy to help!

[@AmanDeePSingh-gi2og]

It was very helpful i love you so much❤

[@LP-kw3kj]

i dont want to feel shame anymore, i want to overcome it, not live with it

[@cairosilver2932]

I'm trying to find the video and timestamp for where Jay describes trying to feel emotions but not too much and to think about them but not fall into just thinking and not feeling. I thought it was this video but after a quick look I can't find it? Can anyone help, please?

[@Sereneis]

For shame, "self compassion" by Kristin Neff youtube

[@narcabusevictimgermany9687]

Hello

[@amyludwig8685]

Great!

[@heatherbowman9450]

737 likes💋👄💄

[@johnathanabrams8434]

This guy puts him left arm over his right chest. Our hearts are in our left chest. Unsubscribing and downvoting