Should I Date Someone Who Is Closeted? | Chosen Family Podcast Episode

[@MagiCalculus]

I love mak's role here. She's really a baby that is just listening to her parents, absorbing life lessons.

[@sarahcarrillo2128]

This is so sweet - yes. So very this.

[@emerson1998]

The amount of closure SO many people are going to feel listening to this episode, holy shit. This is so cathartic and necessary to hear for so many

[@williambriggs7037]

Hi guys I just wanted to share something. I am an 19 year old gay male and this episode has been so eye opening to me I can't believe. All that Alayna was saying about that performance and internalised homophobia, and that hurting the people you're in relationships with. That is me, I've been hurting these people. I almost friendzone people whilst being in relationships with them! This is just such a horrible feeling as I want to have a deep connection with somebody but it feels like there's always parts of being gay that I'll hate about myself. I've always looked at some of my female friends and thought wouldn't we be a great couple that everyone would love and my family would approve of. I am so aware of everyone else's opinions of what I do that I can't enjoy it when I do it. I know this is a mental block that should fade with time, but thank you so much for talking about it on here because honestly I didn't feel seen until now, I just felt like the shittiest person who couldn't love another boy authentically. The only thing I'm not sure about is what to do next... Do I just keep dating despite knowing that I could hurt people, or do avoid dating until that internalised feeling goes away. Anyhow. Thank you so much for this episode, I don't want to put pressure on all of you but it really meant a lot to me 💙 EDIT I am only in the closet to extended family and even then I am sure they would all be accepting

[@supermilena2846]

Obviously I don't know what's best. But if you are going to date people then tell them this. Have a conversation where you open up about your fears, feelings and so on.

[@williambriggs7037]

@@supermilena2846 yeah this is what I've been doing with the guy I'm talking to at the moment. Fingers crossed 🤞

[@vikkumari]

I would recommend taking time off dating and do some work in therapy (if you're happy in your relationship now you don't need to leave them, you can try to work through it with them but if the relationship doesn't work out I would recommend taking a break) I had to do this after my last relationship. Our relationship ended after I realized I couldn't be with men anymore (similar situation to Alayna at about the same time) and I knew that I needed to work through my sexuality and learn to be comfortable in it before I could start dating again. I wish you the best and hope it all works out!

[@DanielleDrewa]

I just want to give you a hug! ❤

[@m4rthvader]

Hi i really relate to your comment!! im a lesbian and like alayna i also have had that mental block you talk about and im kind of in a similar situation to you in that idk if i should avoid dating until i feel better or date anyway. im out to everybody in my life, now for 2 years but still have that mental block in dating. so now im pretty comfortable talking openly about my homosexuality but im still terrified of getting close to a partner. what i want to get to is that i think it's all a process and not all parts of that process take the same time. like i know i could NOT approach dating if i didnt understand myself better AND come out to tve people in my life. that was step one and two lol. now it's step 3. and im scared of dating and hurting people because i dont think i've experienced my real sexuality (like alayna was saying) but i also dont think i can discover that if i dont put myself out there. i think we have to keep taking risks, always being open and upfront with the people we date. and remember we, as anybody else, are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. i wish you all the best 🥺 ❤️

[@alicewincent]

I unironically vote one day everyone starts eating during the pod and then it's a family dinner

[@amusiclover7340]

Lol I eat breakfast during the time this is released

[@philhatch483]

I just had steamed veggies. Chicken breast and instant mashed potatoes.

[@mirandafaiths]

personally im eating a buffalo chicken wrap rn

[@AW-tv6nq]

poor alayna wouldn’t be able to take the chewing 💀

[@alexiss1457]

I'm eating my lunch/dinner right now and it's lovely having dinner with some of the best gays out there :)

[@kurenno477]

“Do I feel like I was just performing actions, versus having a sex life or experiencing sexuality…” (11m07s) I think my entire adult life just unpacked itself, spontaneously,, onto the table, from hearing this one sentence. Y’all, don’t doubt how you’re helping people. You are. Holy moly. Okay, back to the self-reflection panel, and maybe some more therapy… dang, so on point!

[@norab3341]

What ashley said about her empathy for people in the closet made me forgive myself for hurting my partner when i was closeted. Thank you

[@norab3341]

@@Adulthumanfemale84 I cannot entirely relate to the sex part but just like the emotional damage people like me/you were causing others in closeted relationships. But ashley was probably right and we should also maybe have empathy for our younger selves

[@mingus_catalog]

What Alayna shared about not being able to be present and having like a wall up, maybe not because but while your brain is going through the mental gymnastics of gay denial and gay pain, is HUGE. I have felt that for so long, even after coming out, but I felt I didn't have the words to describe it. It feels like your brain cannot handle being present and so you have to disappear inside yourself. Thank you for sharing it.

[@Popopatop]

You described that so well! Yes

[@matthijsclaessen8152]

That absolution remark by Ashley is awesome. Saintly? Parafrased: “I forgive people who are in any way in the closet because they are in hell.” Beautiful. A sentiment to live by!

[@FuriousDinosaur123]

One of my favorite parts of these episodes is watching Mak slowly get more and more concerned/puppy dog eyes as her friends delve into really deep topics

[@_kuraaiii]

That explains why Alayna almost always sounds like a therapist in this podcast

[@nated5368]

I mean she’s also getting a masters to become a therapist, so clearly she’s cut out for it ✨

[@Harbaniofficial]

Soon it'll be official eh! 🫣😂

[@_kuraaiii]

@@nated5368 OH I DIDNT KNOW THAT lol or maybe I heard it and forgot about it completely

[@tex1622]

It's your almost 42 year old non-binary perimenopausal Grandpa from Sydney Australia here... I'm so obsessed with this podcast! Last week, Ashley's special came into my feed (which was rad!), and then I quickly discovered and binged you three freaks together. It's so fun, and so lovely to see the baby gay with her elders; and your chemistry is everything.

[@francesduncandoes]

This felt like therapy. Alayna's experience felt really similar to my ace experience - and I did wonder if Ashley's ex may be ace too. Splitting out attraction (sexual vs romantic) is confusing and not something we realise is an option. You can be romantically attracted and want a relationship with someone while also not being sexually attracted or wanting a sexual element.

[@kerizella]

I'm speechless. As a lesbian who came out quite recently, and who identified as bi for a long time, what Alayna said about having never felt connected/engaged sexually with women before coming out is exactly how I was feeling too. Hearing someone else having had this same journey is so uplifting, because I kept coming back to thoughts like "I had sex with women but didn't really enjoy it, am I truly gay then???". That's because it was all a performance. Something was blocking my connection with who I was, preventing an embodied and fulfilling sexual experience.

[@lazyscorpio8562]

I love the way ashleys cat is looking at her like "mhm, yeah and what after that?? oh okay mhm, I understand" while shes talking about her ex

[@juliablizin8885]

Ashley, what you've said about forgiving someone still in the closet is pure human joy. So good. So powerful. Totally agree here, obviously. Thank you for speaking to that in such a clear way. I am out and have been for a very long time, but I still can remember the pain of loving someone who was not out, losing that huge love I had and trying to move forward with a life. It's so hard to feel that you may never know this person in the future, that the partner has left you out there...Alayna, you're honesty is so helpful - you made it so much clearer for me about what I felt was going on with the person I once loved...closure!!

[@JuMixBoox]

This episode feels like the perfect hybrid between this podcast and the one that shall not be named. Sharing deeply important experiences that the community needs to talk about and the closeness of you all.

[@ashleycottone]

This might be one of my favorite episodes. Not because I relate to the experience they were discussing, but because it felt so open and vulnerable and I loved feeling how close these 3 are. I was so engrossed in this episode, thank you all for sharing! ❤ Also, side note: I’ve been married to my wife for almost 2 years now and I can assure you, it has only gotten better for us. This may not be the case for everyone, but if you’re with the right person, I think that’s how it should be!

[@mrmaidlemonade]

I relate to Alayna's experience so much. So happy she shared it, I feel less alone and weird lol.

[@FernTv0]

same! and now there’s at least three of us! hi! ☺️

[@zarinamaira3654]

Me too!

[@alanaemily8970]

this!

[@rosieblyther444]

It's me too!

[@Laimill1]

I'm usually not one to comment on videos, but this episode hit me on a deeper level than i thought possible. I relate deeply to what Ashley said about how being in the closet is like being in hell, or in prison. And when she said she forgives her closeted ex because of that, I don't know, that hit a spot in my psyche. Thank you guys so much for talking about your experiences, it means more than you know.

[@freddieblack3751]

I could feel Ashley's grief in this so much talking about that specific experience. I relate to that experience so much and it can be painful to recount even when you're not in it anymore. I feel like I really need to hear this episode today and I appreciate you guys so much!

[@zdf74]

mak has the cutest effing laugh i’ve ever heard in my life i love love love when she laughs and u can tell it’s genuine too :’)

[@ttarotkidd]

Vulnerable episodes like these are so important. Ashley's part about the closet being hell, and talking about the grief of losing someone to the closet was extremely validating and healing to hear. Crying therapeutic tears over here

[@sha2424]

never been this early. hello fellow gay people on the internet! i hope you have a nice day!

[@452xi]

Hope you're having a great day ❤🏳️‍🌈

[@elisanehme538]

You too!!!

[@zelaodessa]

Wow, never thought I would cry because of a podcast, but what Alayna said about feeling numb before coming out hit me real hard. I have always said that I never talked about myself or what I was thinking/feeling before coming out and feel like I wasn't human because of it (I came out five years ago). This past year has been so chaotic for me with going out to more queer spaces and actually talking about being queer, to the point that I feel like I am going through a second puberty. I am so confused and feel like I know less than I did when I was 20, but maybe that also comes with being 25. Thank you so much for talking so openly about this!

[@annabelduran3929]

alayna you literally narrated my experience!! The shame and inability to connect to my sexuality when I was 'straight/bisexual" was so restricting emotionally and physically

[@shivd4445]

Hey, closeted but not by choice person here. I just want to add my perspective here that shame is not the only reason why people choose to be closeted. If i had a choice i would love to shout into a mic that I'm gay but in the country i live in, it could mean less job opportunities, less pay, and a lot more bullshit for no reason.

[@JS-mn4xs]

Are you Indian?

[@shivd4445]

@@JS-mn4xs yes

[@dannieden5049]

OMGoddess Alayna, I resonate so hard with not being present in sex with men but being performative for a partner. Also with hookups with women, you may not realize you are queer without unpacking the wall, or if it wasn't an emotional connection or one you weren't ready to participate in. It's not necessarily obvious immediately, recognizing and accepting those emotions. It took me years to own it.❤ Thank you for sharing that!

[@TheVioletMaze]

To Alayna about if anyone else was in her situation.... I (f) was in a similar situation. I was engaged to a guy who after being together for years and years started questioning his sexuality. So we agreed that he could explore and have experiences with other people. After a while, our relationship ended without marriage. He has been in relationships with queer people and he is happier now that he is free to live his life however he wants to. I am glad for the great parts of our relationship and I am honored to have helped him look at his authentic self.

[@katerinacalounova5212]

I think it’s extremely valuable that you share your experiences of dating someone closeted, especially the both perspectives of it. Your insights are always eye opening to me even if the situation is not 100% the same. I think everyone can find themselves in your stories to some extent and I love when you share them and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable, because that requires the real strength. Thank you so much for this podcast ♥️

[@knownasprince]

Brought me to tears. Ashley's comment about absolving those in the closet. Alayna's conversation about working through the past. Relate to that so much. Coming out for me was so hard because it also meant reckoning and making sense of my behavior/actions for the past 10+ years. And then how those choices have hurt people people that I (platonically) love.

[@sofiairigoyen9888]

this one hit hard. before i came out i was in a relationship w a man who just used me like a doll. i yearned so badly to have autonomy, assert desire, and have that subjectivity in my love life, but with men i just instantly became passive. then i learned about sappho’s poetry and how she was able to reclaim her ability to objectify-express desire for a woman-and subvert that power dynamic to empower herself in loving another woman. when i finally was with a woman for the first time, i instantly felt that balance of energy, mutual passion, and i actually ACTED on my desires. so alayna, i totally understand the compulsive passivity and dissociation between your body and your mind when sleeping with men as a closeted lesbian.

[@zkkarali1640]

the amount of pure happiness and relief I got from this episode is unreal. And yall are worrying about making the episode too heavy... i just want to thank you for everything you discussed. I feel like this helped a lot of people who have been both in Ashley's and Alayna's position

[@zkkarali1640]

PS I did not know it was possible to get closure from a podcast but thank you for that as well

[@gracelarmee]

I dated someone while we were both closeted to our families. However, I was out to all of my friends and pretty much everyone in my life besides family. She didn't want me to talk about our relationship or mention her to anyone due to fear that her family would find out somehow. I kept doing what Ashley said she was doing and kept trying to get to the root of the lack of intimacy despite the closeness we shared and she did nothing but deflect. This episode really made me realize that I forgive her for doing what she had to do to survive while she was closeted. And I forgive myself for all the relationships I've been in where I was acting like how Alayna said she was and was only doing things because they seemed like the thing to do and not because I actually wanted to do things or thought about my own wants and needs.

[@Acemethyst]

Honestly, damn this hits home. I was in a 5 year LDR with who I thought was the love of my life, but she was closeted, and it's why we couldn't spend time together. We knew eachother from 15 to 21 and because we both lived with our parents and her family had Onstar tracking (I think) on her car, and had her banking info we literally couldn't see eachother. I didn't want her to be kicked out because of me, I couldn't live with that on my conscience, but I just adored her, we spoke every damn day for 5 years. Then she saw how much I was hurting and she broke it off, and I still think about her from time to time. Bah. My life is better now that I don't have the headache and heartache of that in my life, but sometimes I still miss her. She still seems miserable though. Sometimes I almost feel like it's better to just swallow your feelings and be who people want you to be.

[@Phoenixfyre1097]

Hi Alayna, I just want you to know that your experience is super helpful. Around six months ago I broke up with my girlfriend when I figured out I was Aroace, when before I had thought I was a graysexual lesbian for like seven years. That thing you're talking about with the difference between being having sex and performing sexual actions is super relatable for me, though for me it was also whenever we were doing couply things. It always felt like a performance for me and while performing was fun at first it started to feel suffocating after a while and the imbalance between us was untenable. Your video about realizing you were gay genuinely kept me sane right after the breakup because I was so psychologically broken down by the whole thing I really needed to see that I wasn't the only one who had an experience like that.

[@kaleyregner2843]

Alayna and Ashley... PLEASE know I value your vulnerability every. Single. Time. I relate to both of you soooo much it's insane. I actually really needed both of your insights with what's happening in my life right now and it was incredibly validating to know me and my person are not alone in our experiences, although I wouldn't wish this on others because it's hard there is reassurance in that. Sex and sexuality is so hard... being vulnerable is hard. Both those are tied together because they involved big feelings. Acknowledge, accept, and embrace those big feelings. It's hard but that's what undoes all that shame we've got rolling around in there

[@Tahlullah]

So so so relatable and such a universal queer experience, literally making me cry feeling like Ashley is absolving me from my closet crimes. Pope Ashley I. Ugh and Alayna our Holy Mother and Mak saving the day making them both feel better. All the love

[@unicornsxhippos]

Alayna making an Ashnniko reference and no one addressing it. I love it💙

[@kahlanwilliams267]

I love your relationships on display here, constantly checking in making sure everyone is ok with how things are going, reasuring, being open, allowing eachother to open to their comfort levels. This is what a friendship should be. ❤❤❤

[@gil8548]

Alayna you should always share. Mak is so right, people relate. I am in an extremely similar situation and just knowing that you were there and how you felt is super comforting when I feel so desperately stuck and alone 💜

[@hannalara7104]

Hi, Im a 17 year old Mexican queer person, I started listening to your podcast thanks to mak, Dear Alayna, I just want to thank you for everything you’ve said, I know I’m young and have time to explore lots of things, but what you’ve said just moved me. My parents don’t approve my relationship with my gf, but I still love her so much, but sometimes when I’m with her, I feel numb, like I’m not there, you made me open my eyes, I guess I haven’t been able to accept myself yet. I’ll work on it, shes got a lot of patience, but sometimes she does get hurt, but I do my best. Thankyou for your wise words Alayna, Ashley and Mak

[@beauregarden]

I'd never presume, but as someone who identified as asexual for a long time, Ashley's ex's experience in their relationship lines up with many people on the ace-spec's experience. Most people don't separate sexual and romantic attraction because for 99% of the population, both line up just fine. It can be difficult for allo people to understand how you can feel so deeply romantically attracted to someone and not sexually attracted, but you really can. Of course, being closeted can have a huge impact on how you engage with your sexuality too. Sexuality can be so messy and confusing. I have found myself distancing from the "asexual" label after coming out as an asexual lesbian a year ago. Trying to pull apart the genuine asexual feelings from all the internalised homophobia and years of comphet feels impossible 🥲 Thanks for the weekly Wednesday gay therapy session Ashley, the special is bangin!

[@FuriousDinosaur123]

Ashley - THANK YOU for recognizing the bisexuals, nonbinary, etc having that gray area when trying to figure it out. This bisexual lady appreciates it❤

[@hannahhowden8980]

This was phenomenal to listen to and genuinely brought me peace. I’m bi and started coming out to myself and unfreezing my emotions around 18. Man I’m sorry to the people in my life then cuz I was a mess of a human 😅 I felt like I needed to start coming out as bi around 20, but it still took me several years to feel genuinely proud of who I am and shed the shame I grew up with. At 26 my sexuality is still confusing to me at times and the challenge now is to try and let go of attempting to define and pin down my exact sexuality under a single word to just live with using “bi”. I’m so thankful to live in a place where my physical safety was never at risk and where I can choose to surround myself with supportive people.

[@imgoingbananaz507]

this pod’s comment section is generally pretty nice and I’m just popping by to say thank you guys for making this podcast, being so vulnerable yet so entertaining. I have been listening to your podcast every week since it first released and as much as I hate parasocial relationships, you guys have been like my lesbian mothers who actually accompanied me through my first relationship from it's beginning till the end. I'm 18 and the emotional craziness would probably felt like a me problem experience but you guys spoke about it a lot so I was okay to just be with feelings and not fight against it. It felt like I was a little more prepared for the relationship and for the breakup because of you. Like really grateful to you guys for being a nice little space for me to grow from your experiences both as lesbians and as adults going through all these issues. How encourage and respect each other is really nice too for me to be that person for other people too. Love ya'll in the non-parasocial way and thank you for not being afraid of talking about everything under the sun.

[@savannahmay6335]

Alayna, your explanation of performing but not really being there or enjoying it hit me hard today. That was my life for so long before I came out. Thank you Chosen Family for being vulnerable and sharing ❤️

[@astormee]

Appreciate you guys being so open and vulnerable. I’m trying to practice and normalise vulnerability in my life so I understand how uncomfortable it can be. Big love ❤️

[@unstableratdog4179]

I’m so glad that the KZbin version of the pod has video because the facial expressions everyone makes adds so much to my personal viewing experience

[@akacj7]

this ended up being such a theraputic episode for me. i was in alaynas position many years ago before i even came out to myself. dating a guy where i wasn't present, i was in denial/repression/wasn't willing to look at what was happening and what my feelings actually were, as just going through the motions. cut to recent years coming out and having my first relationship with a woman, i was deeply in love. she was going through the coming out process with herself, it was her first relationship with a woman, she was trying to figure it out for herself. it wasn't a closeted relationship but our sex life was very much like ya'll described - performative, just going through the motions. like one time she asked me if i felt an intimate connection during sex and i was like yeah duh and she was like oh, huh, i dont know if i feel like that all the time, and my brain is exploding that i didn't connect that with when i dated a man. ashley idk if i'd go so far as to say blanket absolution of their sins, lol, but i generally agree. i'm far enough past my relationship with this woman that it doesn't crush me when i realize the ways in which her behavior negatively impacted my happiness and psyche. i absolutely identify with feeling like how can this person claim to love me if one of the most intimate things we could do together, she's not even able to be there with me fully. 😣

[@nathanmoranx2105]

I've been shaking and drooling since 8am Irish time wondering if there was going to be an episode today. It was worth the wait. Merry May you be! 🥰

[@emerson1998]

Yessss Irish fans come thru, slainte

[@aoife_outdoors]

Woohoo! I've found the little Irish corner of the comments. 😂 🇮🇪

[@emerson1998]

@@aoife_outdoors LMAO WELCOME

[@rosetehrani6502]

I have never related more to your experience dating a closeted person, Ashley. For me it happened four years ago and I am still recovering. Thank you for bringing such a brutal and personal experience to light

[@natalierussell9382]

I literally watch this because of how genuine the interactions look. This podcast is honest, funny and extremely loving. Currently this is my therapy.

[@emmypants6727]

This vulnerability is super valuable, the numbness and weird middle ground of not in but not out of the closet is really good to hear from other people. I feel like idk how to be gay properly? Im bi and it’s really scary finding comfort with myself or making a shift from a pure het relationship. Ty Alayna for being open, it really really helps.

[@lunamller2507]

Recently started watching the content each of you make, and then on this normal Thursday afternoon, I was really struggling and decided to watch this episode of the podcast and I started weeping. From someone in the closet (I think I am bi), I cannot thank you enough for talking about your experiences. Even though I'm 22 and I feel like I should know better, I am carrying around shame for at least 500 other people and it's so fkn heavy at times and cannot for the life of me accept myself...

[@1i1di1]

thank you for the bisexual acknowledgment! for the longest time i thought i was straight. then during the pandemic i explored liking women and thought i was a lesbian. yet in a weird way i felt like i was denying attraction to men just like i was denying my attraction to women for the longest time. now i finally decided i am bisexual and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. but you are right about it being a lot more gray trying to decide on that.

[@theia5767]

Thanks for talking about your experiences with sexuality & relationships before you're 'out' in some sense. I'm a trans woman and the process of understanding my own orientation has been difficult. My brain and body can't quite seem to make sense of it. Hearing Alayna talk about 'doing sex' vs 'being present' is an incredibly useful perspective to hear as someone who hasn't been able to really be present yet, but still finds themselves drawn toward a relationship and sex.

[@twinmamatam1947]

I'm from a homophobic town in Idaho. Having people that are so down to earth that I can watch and relate to makes it feel less lonely. I just want to tell the three of you thank you so much for what you do. Because you impact people in ways that you would probably never imagine. It's incredible how you can genuinely feel like these strangers you are watching are your friends. I was married with a mortgage when I came out at 22 years old. That decision was far from supported and has been a constant battle. Just thank you 💜

[@hurricanecatrina9548]

These episodes NEED to be heavy sometimes because our experience as queer people IS heavy. It makes me feel SO much less lonely to hear y’all describe feelings and experiences that I relate to so much. 💜

[@houseonfire6084]

I love how you guys are able to combine being very funny and wholesome and supportive at the same time. Not an easy thing to achieve and you´re doing it so well and helping a lot of people along the way. I very much look forward to sitting around the dinner table with you every wednesday. Thank you for providing this queer familial bond that I didn´t even know I was lacking.

[@hannahshahinzadeh3396]

The vulnerability! The openness! it is so so resonant. Thank you for sharing parts of your world Alayna, your story is so similar to the experience of my coming out and every time you talk about it I feel so seen and can understand parts of myself that have been buried deep.

[@lydiacoe2320]

I love staying up to watch this every week it makes me so happy

[@saggguy7]

can confirm that relationships are totally different when in the closet vs out. I dated my partner for five years with me thinking I was a woman and he was a straight guy. We broke up when I came out as a trans man. We got back together 6 months later when he came out as bi. It’s been almost a year since we got back together and it’s like a completely different relationship now. You have to cut yourself off from *so* many parts of your humanity in order to survive the closet. We’ve never been so open with each other, so attended to each other’s needs, so willing to explore uncomfortable feelings or to fight constructively, like quite literally anything that requires access to emotions was impossible before and it’s way easier now. It’s mind blowing how powerful the closet is.

[@SarahMaeofMaeGal]

"Food. Water. Shelter. Cunnilingus." (3:48) I would buy that shirt.

[@sammybecause06]

I genuienly really appreciate the vulnerability in this podcast -- the beginning segment with alayna talking about exploring sexuality hit really close to home and was incredibly validating. I know being this publically vulnerable must be difficult but it is so helpful

[@crimsonlavender232]

I just wanted to say I found this incredibly relatable, Alayna, and it really helped me understand myself better. Gave me more language to further understand something I was just bringing up in therapy the day before. Also, I can really relate to it being heavy and strange to get into. It feels scary how we can live so long not being ourselves and also weird bc to us that was just life, so it also usually didn't feel that intense in the moment.

[@sarahr1109]

Alayna!!! I need you to know that the things you share are absolutely relatable! I was in a 7 year relationship with a man and I was about to move to the mid-fucking-west with him. Plot-twist, I’m a massive Dyke :) and your experience is one of the reasons I finally was able to admit that to myself. And then finally live a life that’s worth it to me. Honestly can’t thank you all enough for this space you’ve created

[@isabelluh6450]

wow this was a really enlightening episode for me in multiple ways. thank you alayna and ashley for being vulnerable in sharing your experiences once again. i really think this conversation will help a lot of people.

[@erinconnor2792]

Anyone else immediately pivoting to their journal after watching to process for their next therapy session? ✋🏻😅 Thanks for your openness!!

[@hannahhild6477]

Haha yeeees! I had to pause the video in the middle and started writing immediately. It was so on point, the whole thing with 'doing sx' vs. 'feeling sx', the inner wall etc. - my therapist should bring some popcorn to our next session, there's a lot to unpack

[@barbscosta105]

One hundred percent agree with Mak: I may not have been in a straight passing, open relationship with a man for many years like Alayna said, but the "feeling numb until you're late twenties" part deeply resonates. I still don't know why it took so long, I'm still not sure about millions of things, but just having someone say that makes me feel less of an alien in my group of friends, or just plain "dumb" for not having figured it out before... But I know now it's possible to work throught and feel happy, get what you deserve, be able to give others what they deserve. So once more, thank you to the three of you for bringing up these topics and constantly encouraging self-discovery and therapy.

[@helenajacobs269]

25:52 "i feel like I was numb until i was 27, i was dull, numb, i didn't have feelings or something. I'm trying to handle all these feelings, while also processing 10 years of feelings i refused to look at"

[@cariiinen]

This was very moving. Thank you for sharing

[@akwellman]

Alayna!! I can relate to what you were saying about mourning your last 10 years before you fully came out. I am 47 years old. I didn't come out until I was 41. And since then I've had so much regret and grief for so many lost years, in fact decades of not realizing my true self. It's so hard to not have regret and a deep sense of lost time. I'm still trying to work through that.

[@chewie.speaks333]

Thank you for this podcast. Really. My emotional experience aligns so much with Alayna’s it scares me haha. As someone who grew up in a fundamentalist household, identified as bisexual for a long time, and just ended a 5 year relationship with a cis man bc I JUST came out to myself; this podcast has helped me feel less alone. I’m still moving out of the closet, and seeing y’all’s compassion towards ppl in my situation encourages me to keep going so i can find my people💕 i’m grateful i exist at the same time y’all do.

[@honeybadger811]

Can't deal with the eating!! ASHLEY PLEASE!!😂 Love you guys, keep it coming your podcast gets better and better x

[@ameliamangham4460]

Hello chosen family. I love this podcast I have watched all episodes and several of them repeatedly. I type this before I watch this but I know I will enjoy it. I just wanted to say that watching and rewatching this podcast is very comforting for me especially when you talk about disability. I didn’t fully understand the discussions personally before. But I just got diagnosed with an eye disease called RP (literally yesterday as I write) meaning I’m going to lose my sight and I am relating heavy to the feeling Ashley talked about in a previous episode where she felt the doom of knowing that this is her life now she’ll never get better. That’s how I’m feeeling right now because it’s only going to get worse from here. It is comforting that the feeling is not just my own thanks chosen family love you guys

[@Ashley--L]

I think this was the most powerful episode yet!! All 3 of you were on fire. Ashley and Alayna sharing experiences, and Mak with questions... I appreciate so much what you shared. Most lesbians I know (traditional country) had been married and some for 10, 15 years! And what Alayna explained about feeling numb until 27... I am relating so much to that... I think I still partially am and I am a lot older. Thank you so much for this episode!

[@ariana165]

This episode made me reflect a lot. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I appreciate you very much :)

[@makenzieorozco2789]

This was probably one of my favorite episodes. I love how open, honest, vulnerable, but easy flowing this conversation was. I feel like it was so relatable and helpful in so many aspects.

[@4lovebysara]

My wife & I were friends for a long time before we dated. But marriage has only strengthened our relationship. We also think that some of our success is that we went through A LOT individually beforehand & we started out being brutally honest with each other. We also know that any relationship takes work! And we want to be here so we will always work it out. And I'm with Alayna on the laughing - we really enjoy each other! Even when one of us is having a bad day, we can end up laughing. We can be completely ourselves. I know this probably seems rambly but I wanted to share. 🤗 Marriage isn't required. Some couples don't ever get married & they're perfectly happy. But if YOU want to get married - whether it's for the party or for the security (or both) - you do you! ❤

[@CGA1]

This episode is so important! I have the privilege to have really loving parents that had already accepted so many queer people in our family but even so I can't find the courage to tell them about my own queerness and I feel so blocked in various aspects of my life because of it. Is a feeling of not living my life to its full potential, even with all my friends knowing about me... I hope this always lovely comment section and your words of wisdom can bring me some courage...❤

[@CGA1]

Also, the black cats moment is so cute 😊

[@bee4123]

im queer and as someone who was very homophobic and transphobic while deep in the closet (denial of being attracted to women and being afab nonbinary), ashley saying that people in the closet need to be forgiven.... my god the amount feelings i felt at once. i have been carrying around this guilt over the way i treated people and friends and myself. and i just felt relief of this tension i didnt even fully acknowledge i was carrying around until recently, so just thanku ashley so so much

[@allicuddles]

I think part of how you know you are truly remorseful for your actions is when you don't take your emotional baggage back to someone you hurt when you know they've healed from the situation. The person you hurt put in the effort to forgive you and more forward. That is a lot of work sometimes. Regardless of your intention, you're basically telling them, I know you've moved on, but I can't yet and I think I deserve for you to put more effort into this situation you're already done with. I say this as someone who has been on both sides of the situation. The weight, and personally for me guilt, of knowing you could/should have done better is part of growing and taking accountability. AND with time, I've found that weight gets lighter. None of us are our best all the time.

[@pamelamurillo2966]

This video really helped me a lot. What Alayna says is something I deeply conect with and somwthing that has had me questioningy sexuality for a long time. Basicly everytime I have been with a guy feels performative and I feel more connected to girls in general but I can see this happening with girls too, and thought bc of this I might not be gay. Everything is really confusing but this really helps.

[@noahalexis3100]

Hearing Ashley talk about bisexuals is honestly healing to me as a bisexual. Also Ashley looks so hot in this episode.

[@jmondello3131]

Beautiful episode, thank you all for sharing. Re: those that are closeted are in hell- one of my favorite classes during my PhD was a Psychoneuroimmunology course. We learned about how revolutionary it was only a few decades ago to put forth the theory that your mental health could impact your immune system/life span and vice versa (that your immune health could impact your mental health). There was an devastating set of studies done showing that gay men with HIV that were in the closet had higher mortality rates than gay men with HIV that were out. The researchers linked it to basically a higher “fight or flight” mode in the closeted gay men that was weakening their immune systems.

[@TheEpicPlace]

Every time you guys share something personal and you’re worried that it’s too personal almost every time I have been like oh my goodness that’s me I feel seen I’ve never felt before because people don’t usually get this vulnerable especially about Queer stuff so thank you so fucking much it is so helpful. Please keep sharing. Thank you. xoxo

[@abz-145]

this podcast literally makes wednesdays worth living😭💖

[@rachellew7222]

The look of disappointment on mac’s face when Ashley says “alayna I feel like I’ve had sex with you” 💀

[@crow7137]

i just wanted to thank ashley for talking about how hard being in the closet is. i came out but have been forced back in to most people 😃 it is hard and i dont usually recognize that for myself and others. love this pod so much!

[@KatiCleo]

This episode really touched me. It also made me realize that this was basically my own first experience with a woman. She was still mentally in the closet. When we were around other people, when we were intimate. She was just not "there". She had this blank look in her face, or would make comments to play our relationship down. I spent so much of that relationship thinking she was only with me cause she pitied me. Funnily enough she's fully out and open now even though she's in a straight relationship. We have a very strong friendship, but I guess I just realized why a big part of our relationship was so toxic.

[@gwynnturner8537]

This podcast has easily became one of my favorites I have listened/watched. I love the morbid podcast and their humor but i do not have hardly any gay or lgbtq friends and i am in a state where it is not common to be open about it, I am queer but definitely straight passing lol, and when listening to y’all’s it is simply so comforting to hear people talk about their experiences and lives normally without any judgement. So I thank y’all for doing this and having fun lol

[@JuMixBoox]

I feel like wearing a fancy wedding dress when you usually wouldn't wear a dress ever might also be part of just wanting to play dressup. It's one day, you are pretty much expected to go all out and it's very accepted, you get to do all the things you usually can't be bothered with like makeup and have them done professionally and you are not expected to do this look on any other day. Maybe you just want to feel like this is a special day that's different from other fancy occasions, especially for you, what about that, Ashley? Maybe you want to reclaim it and put your individual spin on it, like Alayna said. Maybe it's empowering to you. These wedding related things are all so individual to the person, like what you expect to change and why you do it. I dream of one day becoming a queer wedding planner. I think that would be dope. Also, side note: When Ashley talked about her in a suit marrying a woman, the image my mind conjured up was her Sweepstakes ad she put at the end of her podcasts where she photoshopped her face on a straight beach date.

[@TheAllieBuba]

Elena, I have to say myself. I'm 32 years old. I'm married with two children. I'm love of my husband, however I am by I fully didn't come to that realization until my mid 20s. My husband knows he's fine with it opens up for some possibilities in the bedroom. However, the way that you described the way you felt during that honestly made me tear up because I've never officially come out to my mom and we're so incredibly close. I just don't know. I don't know if she would believe me speaking you know to that other conversation but that really did resonate me and thank you for sharing.

[@sarahcarrillo2128]

I’m sure it’s very difficult to share when you guys are spiraling/anxious about something you share but wanted to take some time to let you guys know I think it’s so beautiful how you all communicate with one another and how you always see each others best intentions 🥹💗 love you fam

[@emilypalma5763]

Alana every time you mention things like you did here about having issues from not dealing with things for so long, it reminds me I need to deal with my issues and do the work to figure out my sexuality now while I’m 23 instead of when I’m 33. Everything you say is important! Not always just a trauma dump ❤

[@joanaafonsosousa]

Hi... I think that what you did in this episode was like Ashley said "beautiful and vulnerable". And I cried, and I was like, thank you so much for doing this, because there's not much places where you can get this kind of conversations, (actually it feels like nowhere). And to me this is so important, so key to my own life. Because honestly you guys are the family I always needed and thank you so much for sharing... And I really hope that you know the difference you make in a lot of peoples lives, cause sometimes it takes something really small, to completely change and save someone...

[@c0wgirlcoding]

i can not with Ashley’s cat at 27:02 it is absolutely sending me

[@orladeans9166]

I’m so happy this is posted, I’ve been sick all day and it’s perfect to eat my edamame to lol hi from Australia

[@ellenruth7700]

I've been binge-watching/listening to the podcast over the past week, and this is my favourite episode yet. I appreciate the vulnerability you all expressed. Amazing advice and great topics covered. Thank you.

[@savannah1394]

This episode was extremely healing for me, as someone whose first queer love was with someone partially closeted. Thank you both Alayna and Ashley for talking about your personal experiences with this. It gave me a lot of healing perspective on my pain ❤️‍🩹