Should You Confront an Alcoholic (or addict) About their Lies?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download my FREE Quick Guide To Responding To Manipulation: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/drop-the-rope-lead-page-1

[@catequinox1]

Another reason- confronting because you think if you don’t they believe your stupid or they can safely continue to lie about use.

[@annmariedyer4921]

Exactly! I wanted to let him know I know you're drunk. I'm not stupid. All the lying drives me crazy. I have to learn to let it go. What's the point anyway he just lies...🙄😡🙁 Maybe the divorce papers will speak louder.

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

EXACTLY

[@Romiegirl-jq4rj]

It’s so hard to hold back and allow someone to flat out lie to you. It’s hard when you know what they are doing could cause a huge headache for you if they get in trouble. Like a spouse getting another DUI. Like I think your drinking in your car, but now sure when? Like if I ask him if he’s drinking at work or beforehand it’s just going to be a lie if I’m right anyhow. I’ll be the bad guy if I ask. It’s sucks not being able to trust your spouse when it comes to this topic. I’m hoping the universe keeps other people safe while he’s learning his lesson 😢

[@loric3455]

I quit setting my son up to lie by not asking him questions about what he was up to. It's pointless. He's gonna lie anyways and even if he was telling me the truth, I'm not going to believe him based on past history. Instead, I try what you teach in the "Invisible Intervention" series and have conversations that don't involve him feeling defensive then lying about it. If I feel like he's feeding me a bunch of bull voluntarily, I just take a deep breath and move on with the conversation. Full disclosure, I still try to piece together things to see what he's been up to, but I don't confront him about it. I just tuck it away and bide my time hoping he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired and asks me for help.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

⭐⭐⭐⭐

[@christiebailey9941]

I watch all your videos. I've been on and off in codependency recovery my whole life. Today, I learned something new. "The story I tell myself is ..I could be wrong." I don't call him a liar, instead I let him know what's in my mind based on his past and present behavior

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Spot on! ⭐⭐⭐

[@michellewilsondompehsermt4329]

Thank you. I've made all the mistakes 😢. At the end of the line, finally, i hope.

[@judisamoisette1258]

Thanks to your Chanel I have felt so relieved that I don’t need to confront the lies, and I feel empowered. There is a time that I thought I needed to tell others so they believe me, truth is, they see her lies, I need to just be calm and trust that I know she is using and move on. It’s working

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome! I'm really impressed with your humility and willingness ⭐

[@rachelgodoy4410]

Always be mindful. Let them know your here for them.

[@thedeergarden3964]

I have 2 housemates/ renters who are alcoholics. One is an older woman who is more or less functional. She does chores, helps out around the house, has friends and works part time. So far her behavior has only reared its ugly head a few times, I.e. shows up at house gathering drunk off her gourd. Since those incidents I am more mindful of her daily drinking and avoid any interaction if I sense she had a few too many. I am blown away though how all of the alcoholics I’ve known all seem to have the same habits like hiding their garbage and recycling, stopping on the way home to pick up booze, drinking vodka, slurred speech where they clearly think they’re fooling you, on and on. It blows me away. I realize after watching your talk that I probably need to go back to Al-Anon for a refresher.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so right about the predictability!

[@user-rb4jc7dc1v]

Thank you Amber! Very helpful for me moving forward-My hubby just finished his 3 alcohol/tx 7 days later found beer cans when I took trash out. 😢

[@ajaye2021]

You're meticulous and helpful! I listened to a few vids while cleaning and omg the homeowner I rent a room from is an alcoholic. THIS gave me much needed insight cuz I have my own mental issues. I can apply this to a lot. Thank u

[@sarag1158]

Guilty of having done all of these.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

We've all been there!

[@saskiaguy1940]

With regards to passive aggressive behavior. I find that when my husband is drinking a lot and coming home late, I emotionally pull away to protect my heart from hurt. I don’t give the silent treatment (I used to!), but I do become quiet and go about my day. I do however answer him in a civil way if he asks me a question. Why do I always feel guilty about protecting myself emotionally? He walks around looking sorry for himself then I feel bad feeling like I’ve done something wrong 😞

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's okay to back up in that situation. In fact, it's good to do that. As long as you're not huffing and slamming things (giving off giant angry vibes) then I'd say you're operating in the neutral zone.

[@annalisam7011]

I find your videos so insightful I am more versed than I care to be about addiction my daughter is so deep in her struggles but these videos keep me focused on how to help if and when she decides she’s ready I will continue to try your invisible intervention techniques at every opportunity.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words of support, Annalisa! 😃😃😃💖💖💖

[@nicolemccormack4926]

Amber, thanks for all of your great videos! They've helped me tremendously! I must say that I've tried every possible way to say that I know that my loved one is using. I actually started with the "I could be wrong....". It seems that method would always lead to more gaslighting! I would then be told that I was in fact wrong, and how I have no faith in him, and a list of reasons why me saying so is all my fault. Most recently I've just simply said " I found your stash", or when gaslighted simply said " we both know that isn't true". I then leave the room before the excuses or he tries to argue with me. He denies that he uses at all, even when I have the evidence in my hands. I'm at the point where I'm evaluating at what point I need to leave. Thanks for all you do to help so many people! You're a Godsend!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You've got strategy! I love it 🤩🤩🤩

[@nicolemccormack4926]

@@PutTheShovelDown all combinations of things I've watched in your videos. Thanks again for reminding me that I'm not in fact going crazy.!!

[@tonibissett4570]

Spot on Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Toni 😁

[@jaimie0777]

To console myself I tell myself that people usually lie to cover up shame. So, on some level, even subconscious, theyre ashamed of their behavior. It helps me keep my empathy. Theyre not doing it to be an a-hole. Theyre doing it because they care about what I think of them and they dont want to look bad. Still not a great reason to do it. But better than thinking, "they must think im stupid"

[@--ava--5531]

Thank you for this, super helpful, thank you!!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome, Ava!

[@ajm1984]

I'm trying to cope through a very heartbreaking time right now as my alcoholic loved one of 9 years did something horrible to betray our relationship while he was drunk. He was with me at the time and acting very erratically that day. He admitted to me he started drinking that very day. He said he drank 2 small bottles of champagne because he said he felt depressed that he was having such a tough time landing a job. When he admitted this to me, we were parked at a Home Depot parking lot, and while in my presence (unbeknownst to me) he sent a very promiscuous text to the posted telephone number of a laborer truck parked next to us saying he would perform a specific sexual act on them.. I wanted to die when I read that text looking through his phone because he's never done anything like that before and it makes me wonder if he would have actually acted on something so horrific. It also makes me wonder what else he could be doing when he's drunk. I have been suffering in silence. Now that he's finally sober, I'm constantly debating in my mind whether to confront him with what I found out looking through his phone. I'm also debating whether to stay or leave the relationship... but it's so hard because I love him and in my heart I just know he would not have done what he did if he was sober... but still, at the end of the day, I do realize that he still did what he did. Should I confront him? My fear is that he'll start drinking again and claim that I had no right to look through his phone. He was acting so strange that day and I just had this gut feeling that came over me that day to check his phone, so whether it was the right thing to do or not, I'm glad I did as otherwise I would not have known this had ever happened. I've checked through his phone since then and that text has since been deleted; and I haven't found anything else to suggest he's continued this type of behavior. I am in pain loving someone who I think is the greatest man on Earth when he is sober. We've shared so much together, but based on what he last did when he was drunk, I just can't stop feeling this constant ongoing extreme feeling of devastation wanting to bring it up to him, but fearing the consequence of confronting him if it means it could lead to him drinking again. He maintained sobriety for over year before this relapse, so I'm afraid of doing anything that could lead him back to drinking again.

[@KittyKittyBangBang249]

On April 27th/2022 it was my 20th year birthday for being sober and I was a drunk of one of the worst kind. Extremely violent. I tried at least a thousand ti es to stop and then a miracle happened. I woke up from a bender with two black eyes, my panties were missing an empty condom wrapper on the floor, dried blood throughout my hair etc etc. I still can’t figure it out how it happened but I woke from that, and all of that was normal for me but I said “that’s fucking it. I’m done” and it felt COMPLETELY different than the other 1000 times. What helped me to stay sober... actually it has been easy is being very grateful. Every day little miracles were happening and trust me I noticed and was so grateful. I thank God every day I got off of booze. It is just so incredibly dangerous and everyone thinks it’s ok cause it’s legal but it’s not. I believe it can make any alcoholic very reckless with their behaviour. Maybe suggest the practising gratitude? Or maybe he does already? I’m just trying to help

[@ajm1984]

@@KittyKittyBangBang249 OMG that is so awful that happened to you!! I'm soo sorry you went through that!! 😢 I agree with you that remembering the good things that are happening in life and being grateful to God for them is definitely a key helpful tool to always keep in mind. Thank you for sharing your story with me and your helpful words, I wish you the best!

[@KittyKittyBangBang249]

@@ajm1984 you’re welcome hun. All the best to you to you too and God bless

[@mskharys]

Thank you for your response regarding pride. I've been thinking about it all afternoon. My husband and I are currently separated, most likely headed towards divorce. We both agreed to stop drinking last summer, though he insisted on keeping alcohol in the house. By then, I felt threatened by everything, even things that seemed unrelated, and I was so resentful. That lead to a big argument about everything and the kitchen sink. He moved out, and took the alcohol with him. Since then, he seems to be working on the problem with alcohol for the sake of our child, but he is not currently open to reconciling our marriage. I have hurt him, just as he has hurt me. Big mountains of hurts, piled up over years, and only alcohol for emotional comfort. To have a chance at reconciling, we will both have to step outside of our pride. And that's really, really hard, because pride is a sort of armor. To have the strength to stand my ground with humility, that is a strength than I'm not even sure I can comprehend. I want a strength like that for myself, regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I need to think about this more.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

This is so insightful and inspiring! 😍

[@sharonscott1776]

I’ve wanted to confront him because I’m sick of him going around lying to people about me. He recently wrote on fb he found it funny I can’t have kids. I’m so hurt by that. How do I deal with that with him?

[@sharonscott1776]

If u say to them I could be paranoid or I could be wrong. Then they will think there is something wrong with us. When they already blame us. Why is tiptoeing around the truth the way to do it. It just makes us look bad and crazy to the addict.

[@eamsutton]

This makes so much sense… but I’m so angry… and the safety issue is not always that clear cut… what about financial safety … like their using is going to destroy us financially … and I’m so many other ways…😢. And they talk such crazy nonsense it’s terrible

[@Dollyoyo]

my addicted husband will tell me he's ready to have an honest talk and it's like he's going off a script and everything sounds perfect....as soon as I notice something that doesn't make sense and ask for clarification or if I call out a blatant lie.... he ghosts! if I point out that he's ghosting and avoiding the question, he tells me "I'm not ghosting... I'm just not engaging in this b.s." he stonewalls like the best of them. I rarely engage anymore. we've been seperate for a couple years but every now and then he rehearses a new story and tries it on me again. lol it's so frustrating. it doesn't even hurt anymore. it just annoys me.

[@katiemangiagli3878]

They’re gaslighting you. An alcoholic will gaslit until they are blue in the face. You cannot force anyone into rehab. They have to accept it or not.

[@AllisonWinchester]

I am so sick of my alcoholic fince I called off the weeding told his parents he gaslights me to them drinks and drives daily drinker pot head and I told him to stay away this weekend he does not want help it's maddening the lies

[@Conduitgene]

You have extremely beautiful eyes. Lol not trying to be creepy just had to call It out

[@slugthesage]

Amber, what do you do when your qualifier lies to you about how long they’ve been sober? I thought we were at 22 days, but I accidentally saw a bottle in her room that i know is new.

[@amieecollins6267]

My Hubby wanted me to "help him quit drinking, & said he wanted me to call him out when he is Lying" I told him NO do to he is just going to tell me another lie & he has to be Honest with himself before he will ever be honest with me. PD helped him quit drinking.... He was doing a lot of drinking & driving & I wanted him to drink at home so he didnt put others in Danger. He got busted sitting at a park drinking (OWI), we had to cash flow all the court fees & other problems that are common with DWI for the past year. I still dont think he is telling me the truth on anything yet, I just want him to be honest instead of hiding stuff & his guilty contains is making even the kids live on edge and angry. If I knew how to leave I would. Im just to the point of giving him the cold shoulder & won't talk to him & keep a solemn face. Just because he isn't drinking or gambling right now it doesnt mean he isn't an addict anymore

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're right Amiee, it doesn't mean he isn't an addict anymore, but it does mean that he has some level of understanding that he needs to change.

[@MouseOfGory]

What if instead of seeing the problem you just see them getting worse and worse?

[@dallasharlow4431]

What do you do when you find out they have been stealing your money? Mad and want them to know I know. A "good friend." Lol. 🙄

[@AliM-nl7gj]

I have stated "I know you drank." They already have an immediate response and it's usually "if that's the narrative that you want to go with." Or "you're accusing me of doing something when I'm doing the right thing." Idk how to get around it

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Those statements are just fish hooks, trying to bait you into an argument. Don't get bogged down trying to prove it.

[@deanabassett9451]

I've been with my husband for 25 years in June. He spent 12 years lying about his meth addiction and finally owned up after he says he was off of it. Since then he has lied about sneak drinking several times, most recently in the last week. Seems like every time I can get myself pass the depression of the constant lies, he starts again. When he knows I'm upset and he is the reason, without arguing, he gets loveable but never ask why. If he does ask and I'm honest, he gets loud. I stopped saying anything a long time ago because of the arguments. How do I talk to my husband?

[@veronicaguerra2026]

You are amazing. Your stuff helps me a lot with my loved one. Thank you for posting ALL of this. I listen every night. To ALL of your stuff. God bless you a million trillion kazillion times ♥️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww, thanks Veronica! You're kind words have made my day 🥰

[@TheNmv2728]

How do I do damage control if I confronted my heroine addicted boyfriend that he had drugs on him cause I snooped. Then wanted the truth cause I didn't want him to think I am stupid

[@LW-ej6id]

Oh yeah, duh. Lol. Thanks for your reply. It's hard to see that the addict is already suffering when they have a very limited capacity to feel and process their emotions. This is the 3rd time he's been late to work this week and last week he did a no call, no show and this kind of behavior happens every other month and his boss keeps letting him make up hours, blah, blah, second...fourth, fifth, sixth chances...so he'll change his behavior for a short time and then in two months go on another month long bender and the cycle repeats and yes, we all need his job; we have medical and life insurance tied up in it... BUT part of me just wishes he would get fired already so he could go to rehab and make real changes and so I wouldn't have to worry about where he is or what he's doing anymore. And I am very angry that he promised me so much that I had children with him and he fell off the wagon... literally right after my son was born. I'm just irate and really want him to suffer and you might be right. I might genuinely need a break from this but my presence is the only thing keeping him (& us) from losing everything but I'm about to just make peace with losing it all and start over because my sanity might be more important. 🤷🤦

[@melissalarson2569]

What kind of treatment is out there for someone who's addicted to opiods for years but then switched to meth for years? My cousin needs help but I don't even know how to help because the meds they would give him like methadone he's also already addicted to?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're right. As of now, there aren't specific meds to help you come off of meth, but almost any addiction treatment program will help with any addiction.

[@mrs.c9356]

A struggle I have is, finding out lies that I truly didn't know about. Like my husband closet drinking for weeks and me not having a clue... If I don't know, does that mean it isn't dangerous? I mean he was picking up our son, driving him around after drinking and I wouldn't know until he comes clean weeks later. I struggle with knowing how to responsibly handle this situation.. should I breathalyze him before letting him take our son home? Should I just not let him drive our son anywhere?

[@solic8048]

Honestly I worry my husband is going to die... saying that I hear and see him suffering.. I rekind him he doesnt need to feel like that and we all deserve to feel good. New is scary but usually worth it. I dont see a need to punish him... hes punishing himself enough. I also let him know I get it on the pain level.. wanting to numb drown and not feel... but it sucks 100x more when you numb for years and stop...

[@adriedrake8605]

Is making them take a drug test wrong? He did it but wouldn't do the test of 24 panel test. I gave up that war and I decided his major vice was the test he got. And he passed

[@saskiaguy1940]

Amber, is it a waste of time/money to go to couple’s counseling when my husband is still actively drinking and in denial? Wondering if calm confrontation in that setting with a neutral person is advisable?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's risky for sure. Confronting someone in front of another person (even calmly) can make them very defensive. If you're going to do it, make sure it's a counselor with some substance abuse training.