Shy/Quiet Borderline “Diagnosis”, Reality vs. Phantasy/Fantasy

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“SHY” or “QUIET” BPD vs. CLASSICAL BPD
I reject the “diagnosis” of shy borderline. All borderlines are sometimes shy and introverted ("act in") and sometimes act out aggressively.
Someone who is “shy” ALL the time is not a borderline. She is either a covert narcissist or has CPTSD.
REALITY vs. FANTASY
Impaired reality testing is not the same as no reality testing. Fantasy is not a hallucination: fantasy borrows elements from reality and builds around them.
The narcissist, borderline, paranoid, schizotypal cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy because they share elements, have a lot in common.
NPD fantasy is infantile (phantasy). In the absence of a fully constellated and integrated self and ego, the fantasy is limited to self-regulation via cognitive distortion and to the resolution of early childhood conflicts (separation-individuation). All the rest is intact.
BPD fantasy involves external regulation and outsources ego functions.
When fantasy fails in NPD the outcome is shame dysregulation and mortification, when it fails in BPD the outcomes are dysregulation and lability.
In NPD shared fantasy, the partner is unreal (internal object). In BPD shared fantasy the partner is hyperreal. Borderlines perceive themselves and their lives as Unreal (dissociation). This is why borderlines cling, hoover ferociously, won’t let go. They leverage every opportunity and contact to reconstitute the shared fantasy. Example: We all seek closure. But borderlines abuse this quest in order to hook you yet again.
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[@crystalmaltby3202]

I like that you don't sugar coat things. Thanks for being so blunt.

[@chamomiletea5424]

Thank you for sharing knowledge... great intro too!

[@Psychwardetiquette]

I’m getting sooo tired of people armchair diagnosing their partners as having BPD or NPD over relationship issues. We’d be ruling the world were that true.

[@cb2514]

Thank you, Dr. Vaknin, very informative.

[@warsmith100]

I went through so many diagnostics, medications and professionals. Basically until I threw the whole psychology field in the bin . The feeling is that my diagnostics were all the fashion of the time. Thank you for the vidéo.

[@julianalemos6375]

I found out my narc ex was cheating on me, text messages, photos, & even a writen note from the New supply in his pants pocket He denied everything and had a rage tantrum "you're crazy, you don't trust me, you're so childish blabla" He gave me silence treatment for a few days till we went to visit my family on a 6 hours trip and He behave quite normal, and promised my nephew to be back shortly As soon as we got home, He discarded me late at night and told me to leave cause I doubted his honor I left, found out about narcissism and all, He tried to hoover me like 5 times wich i refused, used flying monkeys pretended to be ill, lied about his mom being ill and all that usual b.s. BUT what I found out among the lies: He had a "preference" for underage teen Girls (being a 54 yo himself) I'm devastated to learn i was pretty much with a criminal 😢 why do they like very young victims?

[@samvaknin]

Because they are children, emotionally.

[@sonyasuarez5115]

@HelyenS This is my experience as well in my early 40s after over a decade. Good luck with your no contact this time! Mine began as of December 3rd. Stay strong! 💪💜Happy holiday season to you and best in the New Year! ⛄

[@julianalemos6375]

@@sonyasuarez5115 we will make it! No contact for a few months and not willing to screw it at all Happy season, happy freedom, happy Life!

[@edmckay8001]

Was he Christian? That would pretty much explain it

[@julianalemos6375]

@@edmckay8001 nope not a religious guy

[@fredifeinkost1985]

Nice Jacket, Dr. Vaknin! 😎

[@christianzelinka2071]

wow great video! never did hear so good comparing of the borderline and narcissistic dynamics side by side.😊

[@ykaromarques6383]

you're great!

[@Psychwardetiquette]

😂😂😂. You are on point. I have BPD and I can attest we are crazy

[@kalina4545]

Sam, This is an unrelated message. While you're interesting and informative, you would be great doing voice overs for Disney animated movies and alike. You have a great voice in all its aspects. Have a great day:)

[@cyoa4u]

Please please please. I beg of you in behalf of the many people who watch your videos to make more videos where you speak only about borderlines or narcissists. I have found immense value in your videos. My wife has bpd. I’m very adhd. Sometimes the information you give about npd and bpd get jumbled in my head because you never speak just on one or the other. It’s like a geography lecture where you are talking about South America and Africa. And you go back and forth so much I mix up the facts between the two. Please make more videos where you talk only about bpd. Thank you so much for your videos

[@samvaknin]

Watch the BPD and the Covert Borderline playlists.

[@CesarRezer-oy9dr]

Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin! G-d bless you! (Cesar Rezer) 🙏🏻❤️

[@jimmy-jamesolivier-mccutch2126]

Thank you 💚

[@violancetherapy]

Hello, i live in iran and i can’t buy original books, even in pdf, online ,”, because of the restrictions in here , and i don’t have a visa or master card to buy the pdf formats of the books you recommend and suggest , I check second hand book stores and found some books, but it’s by chance. I’ve browsed lots of online libraries and archives but mostly they need a subscription to keep reading, but i can’t even pay for them, online (limitations in iran ) . What shall i do ? I’d be greatfull if you could help me . 😊

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/freebooks.html

[@violancetherapy]

@@samvaknin I’m grateful for your guidance.

[@avtrixx]

Are there known signs of women with BPD of how they are or were before and when they committed suicide compared to those who have not or don’t?

[@samvaknin]

Good topic. Thanks.

[@AmOn9]

I know a BPD woman who suffered of "conversion trouble", she lost the capacity to walk for 3 days. It happened the day her boyfriend left her, because she was cheating. Sam (or someone else) do you have any informations about conversion trouble (named Hysteria in the past) and BPD ? Thank you so much for your work !

[@samvaknin]

On my list.

[@AmOn9]

@@samvaknin Thank you very much !

[@nigeria7324]

Thank you for your work! I have spent 300h and evry session you put out here on youtube is true. Overt narc that sometimes vasilate to apsykopath. I have seen and experiensed all of him. I also gave him the 4 s. Thank you!

[@ClaireGraceMarshall-jr5mm]

Its obviously not an exact science and putting it together seems sonewhat complicated. Here's my conundrum between my narc mother who is determined that she is right and she doesn't care if she does the wrong thing in scaring me or my daughters who are both autistic. Mum has never been seen by anyone as far as I know?. Zoe my youngest was 13 at the time of diagnosis of schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder, she is 16 now. I mentioned it to the psychiatrist at the children's hospital in Perth 3 years ago, because she was determined she was correct about something and the arguments between my husband and Zoe were becoming frequent and somewhat animated. The hospital said she had borderline, but she is on an SSRI and has shown no symptoms since. Were they correct is my question? I hope its ok to ask sorry

[@Catherinemarkham2357]

My narcissistic daughter-in-law is never shy and quiet. Very overt.

[@lusherenren4222]

Amazing! applying your Einstein level IQ to the inner workings of the mind. Once the borderline 'let's go' after realising this covert narcissist cannot be the rock. In my case, it's a 4 month "relationship". I showed her your videos, as any covert narcissist would, haha, and asked her to do DBT. (all the typical covert narcissist behaviour, trying to get at her good object as you say) She was compliant with dbt for a while. However, One day she said she was feeling overwhelmed. The next day over a silly argument, I've been blocked and given the silent treatment. No amount of pleading or cajoling seems to work (silent treatment). What to do, Professor? It has been a month. How do I get her back? ( I know, it's my need to complete the cycle) How do I get her back? its tough.. If I go no contact she will forget me.

[@laurachowanski9933]

Does a person with CPTSD and Bipolar 2 become a narcissist when deregulated and in a highly emotional state? I suffer from the diagnosis mentioned and sometimes I feel I had gone into a state of not living in this reality. I feel justified in acting very selfishly and basically become a loud angry asshole. At the time I feel justified in my actions. when I come out of it I’m horrified at my behavior and get depressed. Beating myself up for losing control. I call it Bruce Banner syndrome because I’m mild mannered and extremely compassionate but when in that state I become the Incredible Hulk. It is like having two different and opposite personalities. It can change suddenly. I don’t like that me that seems to just take over.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the videos linked to in the description.

[@justjamie7577]

Does the diagnosis affect the way a therapist works in a session and how would misdiagnosis affect the therapy experience.

[@samvaknin]

Yes, of course it does. Misdiagnosis is a disaster.

[@byaweenja]

What about codependents fantasy?

[@dorototka]

Thank you. I recently watched a video about depresjom in BPD. It focused on how depression in BPD is different from MDD because it comes from BPD symptoms and doesn’t react to depression treatment. It does a however react to BPD treatment. I would think that there might be some correlation between the quiet periods and BPD depression but maybe I imagine that withdrawal for a BPD would naturally be accompanied by depression due to the nature of the disorder.

[@Al-Ba-]

hi prof. can we say Constant nail biting and hair pulling are self-mutilation ?

[@samvaknin]

No. They are self-soothing reactions to anxiety.

[@Al-Ba-]

ok thanks prof. i was thinking nail biting is first sings of borderline lol @@samvaknin

[@rubyredfrog]

@@Al-Ba-where did you get that idea?

[@carolegyptienne]

I am a borderline but not like this 😂

[@carolegyptienne]

I am just kidding I am a borderline and just like that

[@torrellmorton]

Why was my borderline girlfriend normal for two years? Until we had a child.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

maybe hormones .. maybe extra stress, she couldn’t keep up the facade .. stress isn’t good for borderlines

[@user-lt3yb4fm6q]

Could also be a performance act until you were hooked. My husband was the sweetest man on earth during the dating phase and until a few months into marriage, when I was confirmed pregnant. Then all hell started. I ended up leaving, literally running away with my child. I hear the same story from others, regardless of gender. A close male friend of mine have gone through something similar. His girlfriend was sweet for years until married/pregnant. He is still in hell, even after divorcing her

[@torrellmorton]

@user-lt3yb4fm6q Exactly. The borderline shows their true colors after they sense the relationship is solidified. Marriage, move in together or children. Abandonment and engulfment start to trigger.

[@ririimari]

Do borderlines snapshot people?

[@samvaknin]

No. Search the BPD playlist for introject inconstancy.

[@ririimari]

@@samvaknin I do tend to idealize my partner until he does something that I feel could be a threat (of abandonment) and at that point I demonize him. I'll go search those videos thank you.

[@ririimari]

@@samvaknin I see now I was not fully grasping what snapshot meant thank you.

[@marlysjurko5433]

I am still trying to figure out if my ex spouse is BPD or NPD. I am more concerned about what to expect after the no contact order runs out. It seems I may be legitimately in danger according to this video. Prof. Sam Vaknin is the only source I have come across that actually knows his stuff.

[@crystalmaltby3202]

Don't try to diagnose people. Your not a professional. If they are harmful to you just stay away. It's not your job to diagnose nore are you capable.

[@pyru4208]

Do borderline has attention deffict like ADHD? Forget things, lose things, has problem with attention during listening boring things like instruction, job interview, reading long text or pay attention to boring conversation or problem with organisation and operative menory?

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@sarazadeh5591]

Just I want to know how much genetics diagnosis play in narcissism

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.