Signs NO CONTACT is WORKING Based on Your Ex's Attachment Style | Romantic Relationship Advice

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[@ams3666]

No contact is PERFECT for the anxious attached style who has unfortunately found themself with an avoidant attachment style partner. Once the initial heartbreak and deep core lonliness heal, you realize you were alone most of the time in that awful pairing anyway if you're with an avoidant style and you can begin to move from being UNDERSTANDABLY anxious with an avoidant to becoming secure with another secure or even anxious style.

[@ams3666]

@@inhop2443 "Holy hell" on you so grossly misinterpreting my comment. Try reading the book Attached, which was actually authored by a neuroscientist who specializes in Attachment Theory...or better yet, the work of Bowlby & Ainsworth who Attachment Theory was proposed by before assuming I don't know or understand the concept. "Damn." indeed.

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

As an AP I can say it helps to realise why the relationship wasn't working, partially but it's difficult for me to heal my wounds and unattach myself, this takes so much time

[@hamzahkhan4319]

@@goulnazgalieva3121 only takes a couple weeks. Guess I went from AP to secure through this experience 😆

[@Cv_224]

@Flagirl1985 oooof yes, I felt that!!!

[@Unxpekted]

If the anxious attached never wakes up to there failures in the relationship even if they find someone secure they’ll continue the same behavior and push a secure attached partner away. I am a DA and it should be my job to love you not have to sing a lullaby to soothe over your insecurities nightly. We both are human, we booth want to be heard, we both hurt. Communication is key, if communication is broken then it doesn’t matter what the attachment style is.

[@DaebakDaemon]

My current ex dumped me 'cause he told me he always gets stressed out when we have misunderstandings and petty fights which don't happen that much. Very mature of him (🙄) but as an anxious preoccupied, I actually embraced the pain, cried a little and walked away. Never felt this much empowered, not even with my past relationships. Doing no contact for me, 'cause this time, I'm choosing me, not him nor everybody else. Time to move on and accept the change, life is too short to stay with the one who doesn't have the guts to fight for love.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

Bitchy Quotes you are so brave, strong & powerful.

[@solidcatink]

wow, i feel the same, and am doing the same.

[@LL-uv1ej]

same situation here. but i felt bad because i said a lot of mean words before i walked away

[@thornodell8680]

Same for me. I dated an avoidant ( went between fearful and dismissive) she wouldn’t fight for our relationship and always wanted to do what she needed or always needed space, she blocked me on everything and so I told her I love her and am letting her go. Been on no contact for almost a week now

[@thornodell8680]

Dino Cengic at some point you gotta realize you deserve love and do things for yourself. Let them know you care and love them but can’t keep going on like this if they don’t respect that it’s their loss.

[@katiefoster5369]

This post came at perfect timing. My dismissal avoidant reached out yesterday after 8 weeks no contact. Two weeks ago he like a post and last night texted saying he was cleaning out his closet and had my things if I wanted to pick them up. I’m so grateful that you posted this video and I was able to see it today. I lean more towards the anxious avoidant and I did process the breakup early and don’t really feel interested now. You definitely nailed it. Thank you.

[@lFrenzied]

So you didn’t go back to him?

[@johnabreu1782]

Wow

[@Unxpekted]

I’m heart broken I miss my secure attachment girlfriend. I couldn’t see how I was allowing the relationship to fall apart in real time. I know she played her part to, admitting to withholding love. But I’m absolutely devastated.

[@RJ-zt4of]

I needed this badly. I reached out to my DA and she lit up… so many emojis and so loving like the early days. I sent her a playlist for Xmas and she keeps posting songs on her stories and won’t stop telling me how much she loved it. The biggest thing is she told me she started reading about attachment styles. I was so shocked that when I asked her what she was reading she said this… I think she knew I’d reach out and has been working on herself. Comms has been a bit slow as we are both on vacation but I am hopeful! I always said to myself if I see she is healing or changing I’ll reach out and I saw her completely withdrawn on social media… so I was thinking NC was impacting her. For her to react so positively and to say she’s reading AT without me even asking or mentioning felt like a blessing. I’m nervous for where we go from here but trying to stay relaxed.

[@ahreen2665]

How long did it take you to reach back out ?

[@tnxdot2565]

Were you the one who broke up woth her?

[@Reptilefan101]

I hope this happens for me too … I’m beyond happy for you … all the best

[@RJ-zt4of]

@@Reptilefan101 thank you so much, we are now planning vacations together...shes a changed person, don't give up! I hope the same to you :) All the best

[@MAXIMUSWE]

This is so awesome to hear. I am currently in NC with an avoidant, so it's nice to hear how yours has some hope. At least a year ago anyways.....I hope you guy's were able to keep progressing.

[@arh3861]

Please talk more about the FA acting out of spite when they’re hurting. I’m having a hard time with my partner doing this and id love more insight. It triggers all my anxious wounds... Thank You!

[@sydneynewsom6896]

Yes agreed, similar situation.

[@CharlestonGirl81]

Yes! So painful and they don’t even realize it.

[@rachelbellworld2831]

FA here. Sorry about that. For me I react to the core wounds of rejection and abandonment with anger. I feel like I am as ‘duped’ or tricked in some way. It is shameful behaviour I engage in. I CAN tell you that after it has subsided and i get space to think about it, I am always remorseful, ashamed and empathetic for pain caused. And desperate to make amends. And miss the person terribly. It takes quite a few weeks, as the video says, to have processed all of that and get to that stage. The avoidant part is like numbness at first. But rest assured, thereafter you ache for the other person, like an AP. It’s self preservation. Attack when feel attacked. Wishing you healing, love and, that your FA is working on healing. Be firm that you love them, know they are hurt, but cannot accept that behaviour and ask them to present themselves in a way that you can accept. Let them think about that too.

[@rynoart1]

@@rachelbellworld2831thanks for sharing this… definitely gives me hope. My FA ex and I got along so well almost always. She was my best friend up until one morning when we had one of our first arguments in 6 months over something so stupid that could have been handled so differently and in most stable relationships would have not been a big deal at all. I ended up leaving to just go home and figured she would calm down if I gave her space but she broke up with me via text about 10 minutes later and has been holding strong to her decision for over a month. I’ve only been in no contact for a couple weeks now after trying to fix things for a few weeks at the beginning but wasn’t working. Do you think NC might still work? We really did have a close relationship before all this.

[@jamiesouza]

He always deletes me on social media when we break up. So I have no idea what he's doing on social media. A lot of videos talk about social media but not when you're not on social media.

[@mymiche11e]

Yes, I have an anxious attachment and once I’ve made the commitment to no contact I mean it. It’s because I need to heal and move forward with my life. It’s because I’ve given everything I can to the relationship, sacrificed and have started to abandon my own needs and emotions. After this point, unless you show up for me with flowers and chocolates, sincerely begging to work it out, with a real reason for me to turn around, I’m not coming back. Processing early on is so hard and painful, it’s feels almost unbearable. After time, you begin to find yourself again, and finding you helps you let go of the other person. You learn to love yourself and you give yourself the love you weren’t getting out of the relationship.Take care of yourself, find ways to self-soothe, bubble baths, face masks, long walks, nature, podcasts, new people & places, new activities, favorite hobbies, new hobbies, family & friends, etc.. There will be easy days and hard days, over time the pain will gradually subside. It’s take time to heal, give yourself time. You will get through it, emotions change ❤️

[@brianteeter8796]

The no contact I used, was similar to yours, to start the process of moving on. It has worked for me, by taking up reading and watching videos similar to this, went back to the gym and I feel better than I have in a long time. Do I still think of her after two months, yes, but I don’t go into that low that I used to. The one thing that I’ve started to think, if you’re both doing no contact, isn’t it simply just both walking away? I just started learning about the different attachment styles, and I believe she is a fearful avoidant. She’s told me from the beginning, when she takes a break, she seldom gives ac second chance.

[@mymiche11e]

​@@brianteeter8796 yes, both people are essentially taking a step back from the relationship. However, people experience this in different ways. There are people who seek instant gratification / pain relief and rebound quickly (rebound relationships don't often work out long term). There are people who numb themselves to avoid processing the breakup with alcohol, drugs & going out or completely get lost in activities such as tv, video games, books, etc. -- there's a level of healthy and 'avoidant' behavior to these activities. Then there are people who experience the pain of the loss, take time for themselves, reflect on the relationship, process the breakup, learn from it, and experience growth. If the person who is calling the breakup also puts in the work on themselves and then wants to give it a second shot, they will find a way to do that and reach out. High value and secure individuals won't chase after their exes because they know their value and worth.

[@brianteeter8796]

@@mymiche11e good morning. I just happened to be on my phone, watching other videos and drinking coffee. Sometimes writing things out help, and other times I wish I could just talk to someone (which I do counseling too, as I was a mess with this entire process). I understand what you’re saying, and appreciate you responding. My actual no contact is on day 11 today. I don’t really have an actual breakup date, as she said she needed some time to think over things, as she was dealing with some health things on June 28, 2021. I backed off and two days later she text me and said, she really appreciated me understanding and said she loved me, I didn’t respond to the I love you. She said it again a few minutes later and then I said it back. Then on that Friday, July 2nd she asked me to go to dinner (we went), again Saturday the 3rd she asked me to dinner (we went), Sunday the 4th she asked again, we went, then we hung out on Tuesday the 6th for a little bit and Friday July 9th we went to dinner again (she brought her daughter). Then the week of July 12th we had a COVID scare at work and she was scheduled for surgery on July 19th, so she self quarantined to avoid getting sick and missing her surgery. We do work together, which is important to our situation. Monday July 19th she had surgery, and stayed home in recovery for four weeks (returned on Aug 16th), she didn’t have anyone over, her daughter took care of her (but we did briefly talk throughout that time). I did feel like we were starting to drift apart. On august 3rd I asked her where we stood, she sent me a long response, basically saying she was trying to evaluate things and was still processing things and thought maybe us taking things back to step one of the relationship (some positive things) might be good and she still cared…. I responded with, I’m going to read through these texts and I’ll respond later (as one of my issues was, I would react vs respond….. she actually responded with, I appreciate that, thank you). I responded that night and sent a long email explaining the things I knew I had done (no cheating or fighting…my communication skills or reacting, projecting), I also stated that I respect her needs and the time she wanted and I wasn’t saying I didn’t want us to be us anymore, but I was going to respect her request for time. Then I text her and said, I just sent you a response via email (just so I knew she knew that I responded). She text me in Friday Aug 6th saying she saw the email and she would respond as soon as she could (as two members of her work team were out with COVID and she was still recovering from surgery, I know I’m making excuses). Saturday the 7th came, no response. I text her and said, I’m going to be near your house tomorrow (Sunday the 7th), will you please have all my stuff together and put it on the front porch and I’ll grab it. I picked it up around 10am Sunday, she text me around 1pm and said, “hey you, hope you’re well, I’ve been thinking a lot”. I responded with, I’ll text you when I’m home. Then the 10th she text me and said, “when I get better, let’s try to sit down and talk, maybe dinner“. I said ok. We continue to talk here and there, well on Aug 26th, no contact started. I took a few days off at work on Sep 1-3, she moved her daughter out of state to college. We return to work tomorrow Sep 7th which will be day 12 of no contact. I haven’t seen her at work since the week of Aug 23rd (we both work in the field and the office). That’s where we are…..

[@HustleHabit]

@@brianteeter8796 How's it going so far?

[@silviam.9224]

Updates?

[@sepehr_moghani]

3:58 you’re welcome

[@AshleyLebedev]

Goodness thank you. Love her loads but man she goes on

[@saralondon6]

@@AshleyLebedev she really does in every video

[@typing81]

I am an AP (now in progress of becoming secured), I can confirm that I grieve heavily and intensely, but I move on pretty fast after I'm done with the crying and the missing and the mourning. So if you break up with an AP and do no contact, 3 weeks max, reach out after that and they are long gone.

[@sushisam3010]

I am an AP and my grief is intense and takes much longer, around two to three months. Grieving does not depend on your attachment style, it depends on what you had with the person, how important they were. Everyone has their own way of going through grief. It is very personal and must be respected. Unfortunately, most people tend to pretend that mourning doesn't exist and already enter into other relationships taking the same problems.

[@sadiesoul776]

You have really widened my perspective on what avoidant people go through, so grateful for that as I am anxious and prone to take it very personally! 💖

[@sherryd6255]

I absolutely love your videos! A random set of events landed me with a recommendation to join. I have been watching your videos all evening. Can not wait to listen to all of them!

[@kiyoko0903]

SO accurate! Please do more videos like this - I am so confused what to do now that my ex reached out.

[@arielpalma3691]

This was such a great informative video Thais! I would love to see a deeper dive on the No contact topic and each specific attachment style, specially anxious preoccupied. I love how excited you get when discussing these topics, it makes me excited to learn more. Also thanks for offering those flexible options and scholarships with the current state of the world. You’re helping me stay on track, informes and sane during my journey, THANK YOU

[@TheHinnerksen]

Would love to hear more about this! This should be tought to everybody!

[@BboyGraphicx]

Dear Thais, watched this video again, it was just so rich with needed information, so appreciated.

[@FlavinhaOliveira]

Yes! More videos on this please! Thank you, Thais! ❤️

[@12345678abracadabra]

Your videos give me so much insight. I'd love to know what we should do now that we know no contact is working. My ex is dismissive, and he is doing exactly the things that you said in your video. He's sending memes, texting me everyday, and replies to me pretty much immediately. But he's not actually letting himself be vulnerable and talk to me for real. I'm not sure what to do.

[@nateg.4488]

I’m sorry but I keep hearing these time lines of weeks? That’s crazy if someone breaks up with me and they want to come back within weeks I would be even more upset and question how bad they actually wanted to break up or how bad they actually wanna fix things. A break up should be atleast 2 months in my opinion, honestly to work things out with an ex atleast a year or 2 should pass by. That’s a more realistic time frame for both people to have reflected, grown, and understand what they took for granted or may need to change based off patterns. If you’re getting back with someone after weeks then do yourself a favor and prepare for the next break up.

[@BboyGraphicx]

Thank you Thais, I would also love to hear more about this, learning a lot.

[@OddBranch]

Reaching out to an ex after THEY broke up with you is a terrible advice. Do not EVER reach out to them and let them make a move towards you. Go into no contact indefinitely! It usually takes months for them to reach out (90% of dumpers will eventually reach out), but when they do, you have hopefully improved significantly and might not even want them back anymore. There is no „window of opportunity“, as long as they‘re not married or dead there’s always a chance.

[@stewart2313]

Lol I guess I needed to see this

[@Ckyt572]

Lol I had my "window" the first 2 months and I didn't take advantage. It's been 4 months of NC :( I didn't reach out for his BDay... Nothing. If he's alive there's a chance but I will not reach out.

[@FaithGainspersonaltraining]

Great video! Im anxious and I have definitely done some of the behaviors listed thanks

[@crenulateriver9847]

I was dating a dismissive avoidant for over 2 years, we were getting closer and closer. As a fearful avoidant myself it took me a long time to let him get close to me. When I finally allow myself to be vulnerable around him, and finally said I love him, he said we should end things, that I deserve more and better. I expressed myself in a way that I was considering walking away because he wasn't making the time for me... that triggered his response of ending. It's been 5 months... he blocked for no reason... I haven't tried to reach out before then. Two months after the break up I send him a xmas card and last month I send an email but in both of them I just say I hope he's well. I know we still have feelings for each other, but I don't know if he'll get out of this unworthiness type of mindset and reach out to me

[@josecv9444]

How was your DA after all this time? Any update?

[@crenulateriver9847]

@@josecv9444 After one year of no contact he reached out to apologize and say he should have treated me better. I replied saying I made things hard too. We both said it was ok. One month later he messaged me saying he thought he saw me, after I said we should catch up sometime he told me he's with someone else. It was heartbreaking to hear that.

[@austinnguyen9107]

@@crenulateriver9847 Keep in mind, if they haven't done work on themselves, chances are their future relationship are going to fail to no one's surprise. Not your problem anymore. Still heartbreaking tho

[@jennypj8044]

I would definitely love to hear more about this topic!

[@fatadesculta]

Me too! 🙋‍♀️💕

[@SilhouetteASMR]

Can we get a video dedicated solely to dismissive avoidants and ways they’ll reach out, and how to make progress with them if we broke no contact early when they weren’t in the optimal phase for reconciliation.

[@ripps999p]

I second this.

[@chasesebastian3064]

yes!!!!

[@mochipurrez3767]

Yesss please

[@mochipurrez3767]

DA bein the dumper...and you the anxious as dumpee

[@lovebug9814]

Yes please! I’m in this situation. Did some begging following the break up for 2 weeks.Then NC and ex reached out to me 28 days in NC. Some nice back and forth messages and when I asked to meet in person he went silent again. Starting all over with NC :(

[@d.o.speaks9229]

No contact has been a true struggle for me during my break up. Finding this channel and taking on the principles Thais has taught me has been so enlightening. My heart hurts, but I’m correcting patterns, core wounds to become secure. My hope is to reconcile with my ex, because I solely believe we can be amazing with both committing to the consistent work. I ruminate with the thought they have moved on, it’s excruciating, however I will stay strong through the process of growth. Thank you so much for all the help and knowledge Thais

[@pegbuckner5074]

I feel the same as you. Hope things are going well for you now.

[@jurgenwehner3607]

Just curious to hear, whether now a year later the work has been made/started and how it has worked out for you?

[@ConfidencePT]

Perfect video. Thank you. I always wonder this when I see NC videos. I was sure it wouldn't be the same for the different attachment styles, let alone individuals, depending on circumstances.

[@lisaia7877]

We were together 11 years. After several years of trying to talk the issues out I split us and set it for 9 months 🤷🏻‍♀️ and then I extended it . We’re together again and doing better but we were split for a total of almost 3 years. When I’m healthy I’m secure. When I’m not healthy I’m fearful avoidant. Hubs is mix of anxious and dismissive when he’s not healthy.

[@willdowell8392]

Very excited to get your new book in the mail!

[@tj4787]

Thank you Thais appreciate you and your content so much ! ♥️♥️♥️

[@nigeria7324]

This is great, please do more of this.

[@naomichokr3829]

Yes please... talk more about dismissive avoidant!!!!

[@eggs3015]

You are 100% accurate! I’ve been in no contact with my FA for 5/6 weeks. He has started liking my post on Twitter this week. Then last night he liked an irrelevant post I made a month ago (it was just an emoji) & then he immediately posted sad love song lyrics about hoping an ex will respond to a message. This was the first thing he’s posted online in a month. He was obviously trying to get my attention. I’m debating now whether or not reaching out is best for me. Great video!

[@FM-zg5hz]

Update?

[@SonicDephect]

I really appreciate your caveat about the long term relationship situation. Would love to a video just on that.

[@retriggerrallyslots]

I would love to learn more about this and more in depth for each attachment style.

[@shelbyhirsch7345]

Yes more please! This is fascinating!

[@howarddempsey3398]

Thank you So much, so helpful!

[@tulip5210]

I’m a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive and my friend is a fearful avoidant leaning anxious. Also thank you for the video! I really appreciate it

[@googlephill]

I''m also fearful avoidant its very do deal with when a break happens

[@darrylyusko8615]

Yes. Would like to hear about the dismissive attachment female! Good job on videos. Info overload though

[@Generation3k]

I'm binge watching your videos

[@sierram7116]

For sure do more videos like this! I've learned a ton about relationships/no contact from him (CK) and attachment styles from you. It is very interesting to see how it's playing out in my personal situation over the last 3 months because you have both been right and the strategies are working, so I've been fusing information to navigate through everything. Actually, I was wondering what it would look like if you guys collaborated a few videos because you seem to specialize in related yet separate areas. Can't wait to see more research on this stuff in a few years. Thanks for everything! :)

[@silviam.9224]

Who is CK?

[@fionaheat718]

Conclusion: dismissive avoidant partners are completely fucked up. As an anxious type, I say run for the hills

[@silviam.9224]

AMEN!!! I experienced Hell in these last 3 months after his deactivation. I am really destroyed trying to heal.

[@laurabeigh283]

AGREED!!!

[@bazalbaz]

Let's try not demonizing people? If I were a DA and saw this comment I would be filled with shame, allowing no chance for healing and change. They need more empathy. Everyone is deserving of love. They're not mean or heartless: they're just afraid.

[@decklensworld1755]

@@bazalbaz I honestly think we AP’s get so hurt and frustrated is because we CANNOT READ MINDS and DA’s rarely show or talk about what is going on ( I tried and he freaked out). We’re adults, if my DA can stick body parts into me and vice versa then we should be able and willing to sit down and have open dialogue about how we give and receive love

[@Sweenie75]

@@decklensworld1755 💯 💯 You took the words out of my mouth! The most traumatising experience of my life so far 😩

[@jeremynicholls5810]

@thais Gibson - Would e nice to see a dedicate “dismissive avoidant stile” ex in regards to no contact and after you start having some back and forth but as you mentioned, they tend not to reach out much. This would great for my situation to see and see if it makes sense to what I’m going through. Thanks!

[@lovebug9814]

Mine reached out after 28 days NC and had some nice light back and forth only to go silent again after I mentioned the possibility of meeting to talk.

[@oldschoolabrahamhicks2742]

Gosh 6 weeks to 2-3 months for a DA, that is so long, it blows my mind!

[@laurak4024]

Love this video. Thanks

[@lilove6560]

Evergreen content…appreciate this 💗💚

[@stormfalcon72]

But 3 to 4 months is like 13 to 17 weeks... I’m confused 🤷‍♂️ I’m not reaching out to someone who broke up with me. She determines her value to my life if she reaches out to me. To expect me, the dumpee to reach out to her is absurd. The bare minimum would be three words... How are you?

[@estherh.1106]

Agreed

[@jeffrey2003]

Also agreed. Reaching out to an ex no matter what attachment style they are is usually not going to pan out well If you are the dumpee. There are some relationship coaches That deal with this stuff day in and day out for years and believe me they would know if they saw an exception to the rule for certain attachment styles. I think there is some truth in what she’s saying but I’m not so sure it applies to a hard break up scenario. if I’m wrong on this then it’s a whole new revelation but I believe it has been tested time and time again by many people and most of the time it does not pan out well.

[@KurtvonWasmuth]

Please do more of this!

[@markv5613]

SOOooo much relevant content discussion in this video! I am 57 and my "anxious pre-occupied" partner of 1 year (who is 53) has broken things off several times and admittedly KNOWS the reasons why (adopted, abandonment at early age by both adoptive parents, mental health issues of one adopted parent, first marriage failed due to infidelity (and other woman getting pregnant at same time as she) and I can go on and on...Knowing all that and being UBER supportive of and for her (as a mostly secure person that I believe I am) I found your explanations around timing of "no contact" to be very spot on! Simply having knowledge of your partner's attachment style/timing isn't enough to assuage the pain of their tumultuous decisions on your life when they do "meltdown" out of nowhere. But it does help to remind you that you are not crazy when they DO have these episodes. (If that makes sense) Thank you for your read on this.

[@ccibarra3812]

Yes! More videos like this. Should we totally ignore a fearful avoidant, or can we answer shortly to some messages?

[@AB.926]

Ignore unless you can maintain strong boundaries. FA struggle with boundaries so they will take what they can and won’t take cues to back off usually. It will hurt you in the process cause before you know they will be back into the on off situation

[@honour6524]

Great topic more on dismissive and if it is better to wait the full four months.

[@jennzhang4040]

My dismissive counterpart actually went into her shell mode a couple weeks ago and went completely MIA but now has started liking some of my posts. Occasionally responds to some things I say to her but I often get left on read.. not sure what to do now but I know we still care for each other! This was very helpful to hear though, thank you so much!

[@dawb87]

Hi. I wont leave you on reas. :)

[@illogically]

Please make more deeper dive videos about this! :)

[@CD-qc1ue]

My now ex was so full on at the beginning and super loving. 6-8 weeks later she done a U turn. Few weeks apart and I reached out and another great 6-8 weeks later another U turn. This happened a couple more times, on the last occasion she reached up. Whenever I felt things were progressing, our kids got on and life looked great. Then boom she backs off again. She states communication issues but I didn’t see or feel this 🤷🏼. 3 months apart now and I still miss her.

[@downhomegirl5]

I wish you broke this up into 3 video's one for each attachment style. I can't recall if dismissive avoidant was even talked discussed?

[@MsRipley76]

Yes pkease- more on this topic ❤

[@jeffdhartman]

I’ve watched all of your videos on this topic and there is little to mention of the secure attachment timeline. Can you please also include them?

[@redrumax]

I did not know about the attachment theory in so many details . I met a guy on social media and we hit it off... he was sweet and funny and we shared many vulnerable memories of our childhood. He was younger than me and told me he is a virgin although old enough not to be. I thought he was joking... but no, he appeared genuinely interested to know about a lot of life things... how relationships work, what I think about this or that thing... always psychological stuff, ethical stuff... he appeared to me so inexperienced and I guess that is why I fell for him. He started telling me I love you by sending cute gifs and he even typed it in a message a few times, told me we think so much alike and it is him and me against the world, we are a team and so on. He warned me from the beginning that he is 'weird', afraid of rejection and is a Narcissist and a Borderline, cause he did some online tests, said he had never been in therapy. He is kind of a loner, goes to work, then comes home and all his life revolves on groups on 'social media' that he tries to build friendships with however this is a way to keep everyone at arms length. I am AP and I suspect he is FA or DA or both, so I realized one day that he was leaving me 'unread' and I confronted him about that. He said it is nothing intentional that he does this every time and with everyone. But I felt hurt as I thought I was not just 'anyone'. And I told him 'I want more', more intimacy, more connection, he said he had been hurt before and would not let anyone get very close this time (despite he had been sharing with me painful times of his life, but only in little drops, always running when I asked for more details) and told him I will go away for a few days to figure out my feelings. I went back online after 3 days of silence and he went into a rage, he started deleting all the voicemails he ever sent me, like trying to withdraw emotion and intimacy (thank God, I had saved them all) and he used to sing to me, he deleted all that, leaving the chat just with text. Then I had to speak to him for 1 day till he started to send me messages accusing me of betraying his trust, being 'demanding' and 'forcing things. Since then he warmed up slightly again but never to the level of closeness of before, he would initiate contact (I left him with no contact again for 2 days and he reached out twice... I was just testing as I was not sure about his feelings). Now we are in this horrible place where he told me he wanted to keep our relationship close but I kept on pushing for more and he cannot give more and he needs to detach and he became now very 'robotic' . Although he threatened me once he would block me, he never did it and gave me some bs reason for why he did not do it, cause I am 'the shadow of a cool person he once knew' and that we have a shared interest in magic. He is prone to all this poetic and romantic big words 'it will be just an online friendship for all eternity because you betrayed my trust'... It is so painful to experience this after all the sweetness, and to see he is online but does not reach out and when I do, he just throws back 1-2 words... he cut off all the emojis and all the voice messages... I feel he is taking hmself out of it slowly...I still have his voice message when with trembling voice he told me he is a very emotional person but he covers this up with this rational shell but he actually has difficulty controlling his emotions... So I know he feels... 2 weeks ago I left him with no messages for 6 days and when I reached out he was so quick to answer and so sweet, we chatted for 2 days in a row all day then he went cold again... maybe he realized he still cared for me and wants to control that....I told him I loved him and he said I cannot love him, then I said I will be here for him any time... It is so painful for me and I decided today to leave him be if he cannot be the one initiating anything after a week of me trying to start conversations on all sorts of subjects just to get him involved. I am tired and I think I deserve better.... So painful though. These videos have helped a lot.

[@riririri5155]

Love this vid💙

[@Makor1966]

I would defenitly like to hear more on this topic.

[@johnabreu1782]

Wow I just saw this video it’s very useful I did the reach out as I always do but I won’t do it anymore 6 months past we didn’t see eachothervin person November was the month I send a message but saw still the way things end so now it will be 9 months we haven’t meet again. And I believe it might be for the best I don’t wanna be rejected or humiliated myself if that person really miss me or loved as they said gonna has to reach out to me ! If not I have to keep moving on with mylife no contact is definitely working healing process time is the best thanks for this awesome video 😊

[@arikkarin3866]

Hi Thais, thank you so much for your content and wisdom! I am an anxious attachment style and my friend is a dismissive avoidant. We used to date, tried to be friends and recently, I ended the friendship. I admitted to myself I hadn't healed nor let feelings go for him, so I had to ask for NO CONTACT because it wasn't fair to either of us. It's only been a week and he reached out via Instagram. He's not a fan of IG, and it's odd to hear from him so soon. I was kind of taken aback by this because it seems out of character for him and for the dismissive avoidant in general. If I'm being honest, I still have hope for a future, but I know in my heart no contact is necessary right now. Any insight to share?

[@helenachase78]

How did things go ?

[@smohammed2821]

Amazing videos but because you are talking about all the styles together gets a bit confusing can you pls do a separate video About dismissive avoiding style and no contact in detail please this would help me thank you

[@ltacoach7650]

I’ve been back and forth with someone I have a lot of love for but they are dismissive avoidant. First time we separated it took 9months for them to reconnect then things built up again over 4 months and as soon as they showed their true feelings they shut down and friend zoned despite this massive pull towards each other, so I explained how I felt and let them have their space, non of it made sense. 6 months of another no contact separation and they have come back again but she was so indirect and still is! I now understand her attachment style and what she is trying to over come and work through that has helped me look at my own style so it’s been a very painful but transformative dynamic. I’m just taking things super slow and letting them see I’m a constant in their life and there for them whilst also focussing on my own life too. No expectations

[@FreedominLove711]

I am sorry. That is so sad.

[@junelee5975]

Yes after they show true feeling like they actually liked you alot they go cold or shut down.

[@amberlindsey5662]

I would love to hear more about this! My DA just broke up with me and I'm an AA. Zero closure. I'm in freezer nice, but I have learned a lot. It's taking EVERYTHING I have but to contact him, but the last time I broke up with him he wouldn't respond for almost 4 days and only then bc I apologized for something... I'm frozen...

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update ?

[@silviam.9224]

Same here! I just started NC

[@Ash-yi1en]

Hi thais. If I didn’t start no contact with a DA until 4 weeks after the breakup and keep contacting them (now stopped for a month), does that push out the deactivated stage and start it from then? I don’t intend to contact him anytime soon but it would be interesting to know what could be a good window should I decide to when he is less triggered and feeling emotions? Thank you, you are amazing 💗

[@r.bishop1127]

I've been watching all your videos and in a lot of ways they are so helpful. I think I may have initially thought my ex was DA. But he has TONS of FA traits. We are not speaking now. His decision, although my AP side came out badly. I miss him so much I can't stand it.

[@AshleyLebedev]

Please cover THESE topics on SECURE people. I watch these but don’t find them for my secure partner

[@SB-td3ov]

FA IMMEDIATELY jumped into rebound after deactivating from serious loving relationship (we were still communicating when the rebound started). Would love more videos about no contact with rebound relationships involved. I don’t think my ex FA has ever processed a breakup.

[@jessica76311]

Going through the same. But I messed up the relationship.

[@Jaxson8157]

Any update?

[@dillonshuffle]

Update ?

[@TimeWaveOfficial]

same here update?

[@roshawngreene7069]

Duuude, I'm going through the SAME EXACT THING...!!! Update please!!!

[@keliasmith7465]

I really am fearful avoidant i feel it ALL just depends

[@DWilliamsJr41]

Thais...this was great! But how does this info line up with the attachment styles that tend to enter rebound relationships quickly? Context: I am recently divorced from a 2 year marriage, and ex monkey-branched with an unsuspecting "friend" days after we signed papers. I've been learning all I can about this and feel she's an FA where I know I'm more AP. Separation and divorce was kinda bad...heart says I want her, head says I shouldn't. Help. Thanks!

[@kristiemcinnes304]

My fearful avoidant ex said He's overwhelmed - cannot do it Needs time off from the relationship and wants to be alone for some time. Those thing I understand but.... Also said - I loved being with you, I'm beautiful, he knows he will never find anyone like me or that loved him like me. Said I know you'll do well in life and the final thanks for being with me and it was nice to know me. Those were very final goodbyes in my eyes.

[@Duke_Desmo_888]

Excellent alternative analysis compared to the non-expert YT’s. The AP timeline is interestingly different.

[@malka4500]

I've had enough with this DA

[@DrexelGregory]

What’s your opinion of indefinite no contact? Some say that’s the way to go

[@PsychedPerspective]

I wanted a committed relationship. The other person didn’t want a title or any real commitment. It was mostly physical / sexual looking back. I wasted 14 months trying to pursue someone who never wanted me and was basically using me as a placeholder. We’d argue about the same things over and over. I finally called it quits 2 weeks ago. He never responded to my last text message …. And I naturally went into no contact … healing and focusing on self … I’m not relationship material and I’ve accepted it.

[@musicandart9711]

How are you doing now?

[@andyle3693]

So I tried limited NC for an anxious for a month and started conversation, but she didn't want to talk to me and never reached out. It's now 3 months since our seperation. Did I miss the window?

[@MyaLevis]

That last bit about DAs not usually wanting to be friends... My ex really wants to be friends and he's definitely DA. I think it's his way of not losing me from his life but still keeping me at a distance. What are the signs that we could actually rekindle things vs just being friends? It's just passed the 8 week mark for us and he's reaching out at least weekly with memes or reactions to my posts or short videos.

[@leslieliveslife]

Hi Mya, can I ask if there’s been any updates? I’m in a similar situation but just finished week 4 of nc

[@StarSamantha]

Thank you for this topic. I am an FA (leaning anxious) and my ex is an FA (leaning avoidant). Should I wait for him to reach out to me, or should I reach out to him? I'm just really not sure what to do as I don't want to scare him away but I still really care about him. I know he does too because he will post on socials (which normally he does not do) and will watch me stream online. The patterns are the same, but what would be most effective? Me reaching out or waiting for him? Any feedback would be truly so helpful.

[@tominthetux]

My ex seems to be so DA and this video just destroys any chance of hope I have that she will ever reach out to me to try and reconcile and rekindle this relationship

[@FuzzyAason]

I know how you feel. same here.... any updates?

[@austinnguyen9107]

If you were a good person in the relationship, they usually come back eventually. But by then you probably have moved on and too much trust in them has been lost

[@jessteubner9928]

Can you do a video on signs no contact is working when your ex is a secure attachement style?

[@iwatchvideos9187]

Yes, please!

[@lisarose4435]

What if the FA blocks you on FB and messanger(they wanted no contact space) but not Ig watches your stories and liked a picture what does that mean?

[@ambivalent5842]

Would you discuss why a DA would tell you he loves you when you were breaking up. I tried to break up, and my DA in our back and forth, not only shared he loved me too, but shared that I hadn't invited him to my place, met my friends or family. So he though our relationship was superficial...even though I expressed my love, always traveled to him, worked in his garden, cooked for him and his family...how can they not see the commitment???

[@chasesebastian3064]

So if you're in no contact with a DA and they block you on everything and vanish how the heck are you supposed to know? I thought no contact meant no contact. Like you don't reach out to them. So confused. We had a good relationship for 7 years and then things got a sideways a month ago and when she told me she couldn't do this anymore because of the "drama" and the very next day. poof. She shut everything down and completely vanished. Devastating for me to understand initially but, these videos have been ex termly enlightening.

[@cloudslady3400]

I'm trying to figure out when my DA ex is gonna miss me.. we are not in that no contact stuff we broke up forever...but It still hurts me so bad thinking that he might never misses me 😣💔

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

I'll say as an AP-leaning person, if you leave a relationship the way my DA did you'd better make an epic effing amends for your contempt and spite within a couple of weeks or I'm gone forever. Passive aggressiveness won't cut it, and no excuse for taking months will change my mind. IDGAF what your intentions were, I care about my experience.

[@Makor1966]

Like the eyelashes and makeup in this video. Are they smaller?

[@healnaturallytv4948]

I told my aunty how I feel that she's disrespectful. She won't leave me alone. Hoovering like crazy. The more I ignore her the more she calls and texts. It's feels so suffocating... But I'm gonna continue until she finds other supply

[@Psychocoko]

I really enjoy your content, but could you please fix the audio? You seem to use such a good microphone, but the sound doesn’t match the quality of the mic. Something must be off. Just trying to help. I really like your content.

[@Vi.wo13]

I think so, too. I'm not a native speaker but pretty good at English. But this bad quality paired with the voice really makes me not want to listen. Sadly. Because those are really interesting topics.

[@DemonFromSun]

What if my fearful avoidant blocked me on everything besides email and is even seeing someone else but doesn't have it on social media? It's been about a month since contact although I have left her emails and voice-mails between this time period though asking for closure. What do I do?

[@alshimasalah1813]

i love your videos

[@jeremywayne7605]

Can you talk specifically about text or phone conversations with dismissive avoidants after a break up and what constitutes good signs versus bad signs of getting back together with them? like around that 6 week mark or before that you talk about when the dumpee is initially reaching out to break no contact? Specifically how they react and maybe some examples of situations. I’m dealing with it now and I think it’s all positive but I’m an anxious attached so I obviously ruminate one overthink. Working on that lol. Thanks in advance if you talk about this in a video

[@josecv9444]

Just keep NC. How are you doing now?

[@silviam.9224]

Updates?

[@MellowBellow1]

Hi Thais, I’m really interested in the long term relationship situation with an FA acting out of spite and the requirements for the FA to take responsibility for THEIR stuff in the relationship, when committed. ( I’m S ). My question is also around projection and the use of grossly false criticisms as a default mechanism to pick fights to create distance and the repetition of their original abandonment trauma by acting out of spite. In my experience there is a massive swing between affection and truly bitter spite from the FA. It’s cruel and really unnecessary. I find this FA encourages spite in their children too. The whole extended family has so much spite for the world. Can you go more into the really “other person” destructive elements of the FA? ( inevitably of course they only hurt themselves though. ). This FA loses friends and can’t form friendships well.

[@verohb79]

Same here, except the FA doesn’t have children. They nitpick to deactivate to abandon us before we abandon them (according to the story they invent).

[@MellowBellow1]

@@verohb79 yes. Really lame nit picking. But the lash out and real spite “swing” is another aspect of the pattern. Totally irrational lashing out. Really huge mood swings.

[@AdrenalinePeaks]

This describes my ex completely FA acting out of spite and projecting pain onto me. An anxious attachment. Healing from it ending has been so difficult

[@rubyanaya126]

Thank you

[@winkmurder]

So I just want to say, I'm (most likely AA) going on 4 months now of complete no contact with my ex (most likely FA) since the breakup, and although I feel I have healed and moved more into an independent state, I do still sometimes find myself thinking about her. But I guess what bothers me the most is that she hasn't even attempted to make any sort of contact whatsoever even once since I initiated no contact, 4 months ago. It's as though I'm dead to her.

[@silviam.9224]

I think we have to think they are death or something like this in order to delete em from our mind and moving pics, videos and not follow em on socials. know more interesting people, just to go on with out life.

[@theculturebrewingchannel5619]

I think I pushed an FA too much to admit their feelings and they responded by requesting 2 months no contact - we've been doing the 'just friends' dance for 3 years. What does it mean when they put a time limit on it?

[@TimeWaveOfficial]

what happen if a FA Female (first anxious at the end avoidant) breaks with a FA Male (first secure? then because of work avoidant and at the end nice guy anxious?) we had NC 1 month then we had some orginazing stuff and i said to her at the end because she jumps in a rebound after 2 weeks ( she texted with the guy 2 weeks before) that she should think about her character and i know all things ... now we are 1 month more in NC, 2 month before break up i changed with actions but she said no matter what i will do she want find faults... 2 1/2 weeks after she dumped me i wrote her a letter that i be ashamed what i done her and for messed things up, she wrote back that i should take a therapist (im on a waiting list now) and i should take care of me and that there is no taking back -.- (she was already in rebound)... what can i do? (i dont exactly know wether she is AP or FA but 3 months before break up she travelled a lot with her family and went all the time to her family while i was working in a 2 shift work, at the beginning of RL she was heavy jealous and clingy, i changed my job so i dont have woman )

[@brittlefevre898]

Thank you so much for this video! It helped me understand why my ex is acting the way she is. Could you do a video on why an ex will reach out after months of no contact and then disappear again?

[@mochipurrez3767]

Any updates?

[@brittlefevre898]

Mochi Purrez yeah, she gets really concerned and needy when I go a few days without responding but she is ultimately boring to talk to when I do talk to her. The key is to be very neutral when you talk to them. Be willing to let the conversation die out and let them chase the conversation with you. Don’t even bring up what happened between you guys until they do. My ex might be more complicated but don’t ever invest more than they do in a conversation. They are essentially testing to see if you are still into them but it you make it too easy for them they run off. They always come back though

[@peachblossom.phlox3403]

@@brittlefevre898 is that true that ex's always come back? It's been two months and my ex shows no sign that he regrets breaking up with me

[@brittlefevre898]

Peachblossom.Phlox :3 it’s true! My ex had me blocked for close to five months. They come back. All you need to do is personal growth for yourself and it will happen. As long as you are focused on bettering yourself it will seem like perfect timing. The ex will always put themselves in your orbit again.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Update?

[@marcdriggers3335]

My ex is an Fa who is in a rebound, does it take a little bit longer for them to come to a place to where they are ready to talk and maybe make a reconciliation? We broke up in at the end of april, and around the middle of may I went no contact for about four weeks.

[@tnxdot2565]

My DA ex dumped me for whatever reason. First was she felt stuck and needs to find herself. Told me she would she will come back as a better person. Told me on that day, i can still talk to her. I went no contact, she didn't see that coming. After 6 days, we talked again and probably she was drunk that time, her emotions were high. Told me she didnt plan to come back. I asked her what happened, she told me she didnt know. I asked her if we would still get back in the future, she told me she don't know because that's in the future and we need time to heal. I reached out to her after 3 weeks to ask if we can catch up(bc i saw mixed signals from her spotify songs, she felt abandoned. So i wanted her to know im just here) she told me i can call her whenever i want. I called her, she didnt pick up bc she was busy studying. Told me again that i can call her whenever i am free(bc i became busy working on myself, gym, new hobbies, adventure). What does this mean? Btw, factors that affect the break up was, she needed to adjust in her new environment. She is finishing college. She felt pressured. I got needy. She made a lot of promises.. so into me at first then she just changed in an instant. Im not trying to win her back, but one factor that i see was we were arguing and fighting that tooted all traumas. Esp she has childhood trauma and me, i have fear of being left out. I was always rejected before. Now im learning to be more secure. There is a part of me to reach out when she comes home after two and a half month but also there is a part of me not to reach out to her bc i am working so much on myself that i dont want anybody to take it away from me. Your thoughts? Ps. We still have open communication. Still friends in fb. Still connected to our "bond touch" app, etc. And i still feel connected to her..

[@jasonweir4024]

What if Ur ex is fearful or dismissive not wrked out fully and they block Ur number and Facebook. I am anxious and she is most prob fearful verging on dismissive. She txt my mum said would contact in a few months and that was 6 wk ago. Am working with a therapist on.my issues now