SIGNS YOU'RE IN A TRAUMA BOND AND TRAUMA TRANCE | DR. KIM SAGE

[@wiser1254]

I’m seriously dealing with this at 77 years old. My mother is no longer here, but her extreme religious fervor and related discipline made me feel extremely unsafe, unloved and constantly on alert! I don’t remember ever being hugged and told I mattered or was loved on any level! I was told when I was five years old that I was going to Hell.

[@carrielassiter8455]

😢💔💖💕

[@cathychase663]

I am 65 and had similar and as we age it's that "fear of hell" - my mom was loving though. It's more my dad. My dad is 99 and has throat cancer - I am sad. Ten years ago I had breast cancer- he didn't show any type of care- he yelled at me for not having my then younger sons in college "help me financially" as he was mad he had to..He is definitely a narc but I still love him and have so much compassion for his cancer and I have to REIGN my empathy in- my boundaries suck. I love Dr. Sage - I told my therapist she's the best on KZbin.

[@CatalinaFOIA]

😢 I'm so sorry; this post made me so sad for you. 🫂

[@carrielassiter8455]

@@CatalinaFOIA me too. Wish I could give her a hug. She matters very much.

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

I’m so sorry that happened to you 🥺🥺🥺

[@druidathanaric7582]

I had to learn that you will often find a mate that treats you the same as the narcissistic abusive mate if you don't learn why that relationship was toxic. Thank you.

[@cindyc]

I always described my dad as being like a tv changing channels, and you never knew which channel you would get.

[@nancybartley4610]

Trauma bonding produces intense feelings of guilt. The good times convince you you were loved. BUT then you are abused and confusion sets in. It becomes an approach-avoid dilemma. You move away went you are hurt. You move into trying the relationship again when you are treated in a loving manner. Back and forth. If I decide to go no contact to protect myself, I feel like a bad daughter abusing my mother. I thought I loved her but I'm not acting in a loving way. I am not able to live up to my own standards and beliefs (that I love my mom and must treat her with love) and my conscience is destroying me.

[@carrielassiter8455]

I totally understand. It’s a constant battle of ‘what should I do’ and also needing your mother.

[@juliaoconnor5798]

Ive distanced myself from my mom. For yrs I struggled with feeling like I was being a bad daughter over just thinking of distancing myself & I do still struggle with that just on smaller scale. My oldest brother has said for yrs she is a narcisist, I never really thought about it when he'd say that. But then when I realized I was married to a narcisist while she was living with us & in the middle of my marriage ending with so much ugliness coming to light she verbally attacked me in a very vicious way very evilly it's like any illusions I had about her were cleared up. Truly had I been a weaker person I would have lost my mind it was that bad. I had noticed things for a long time but as Dr. Kim said we justify things make excuses etc etc. I haven't cut her completely out of my life I just limit any time I have with her & it's easy in so much she never asks how I am or even have me over for dinner (that might not seem like a big thing but 3 months ago we had to move out of a house we'd lived in for 8 yrs since they decided to sell it & am now living in a motel. Almost ended up completely homeless) when I call her all she talks about is herself Slowly I have been realizing just how bad it was with minimizing & dismissing my feelings growing up & here I am at 57 & she is still stuck in that treatment of me. I do love my mom & when she does pass it's going to break my heart however I've realized she isn't a nurturing person & I don't really remember her being nurturing even growing up. She doesn't invite me to dinner or sometjing like that because all my life with her I've been the nurturing one, it feels like in a way that she groomed me to take care of her but she didn't take care of me. She thinks my distancing myself from het is because of how my brothers & I grew up that I'm holding the past against her when that's not it at all its that she doesn't see anything wrong with how she treats me now & I'm finally realizing at 57 that I don't have to accept being minimized/dismissed by her even if she is my mom. The relationship I wish we had & the relationship we do have are worlds a part I've accepted that it's not going to change & that it's toxic so I minimize time with her for my own well being.

[@juliaoconnor5798]

When my mom verbally viciously attacked me she did it in front of the now ex she just emotionally verbally attacked me & this is why. In the middle of waking up to my marriage coming to an end & all the ugliness coming out about that, she kept going on at me with "I can move out if you need me tp" The house was big so there was no reason for her to move out but she kept asking that even sending texts msgs while she was upstairs & I downstairs saying "I can move out if you need me to" I kept telling her no she didn't need to move out but still she kept at it constantly & I just wanted her to quit asking me that as I had other things going on with my marriage ending & so much underhanded behavior that the ex had been doing. I was right in the middle of finding out just how bad the ex had been. I finally said, " okay if you want to move out then okay " I just wanted her to quit going on about it let me deal with what was going on emotionally with my marriage ending. She then flipped it on me she then said I was kicking her out etc etc she got real ugly verbally. Afterwards I went outside & cried for 2 hrs gut wrenching sobs. I felt all alone & like I had no one during 1 of the worst times of my life. Then after the marriage ended she moved out as I was financially trying to get my feet under me & I was working she moved out right after Christmas but she had been planning to move out long before then as she had been hiding she was moving things out & many things she took weren't even hers I think that's why she was hiding the fact she was moving things out because she was taking things that weren't hers. At the end of the day it was good she moved out because it woke me up to a lot of red flags about her red flags that had been there all my life I just always justified or made excuses & yes a good deal of denial had been in there too but all this really woke me up. My oldest brother said she stole from him as well when she lived near him. It has been a very eye opening heartbreaking realization. The thing that makes it difficult to be around her isn't just that all she talks about is herself it's she doesn't want to have simple conversations she always wants to go into the deep end & play mind games.

[@nancybartley4610]

Dear Julia, Thank you for sharing. I hope you are getting things straightened out as far as finding a place to live, etc. Your mom sounds like mine and you seem to respond to her the way I do to mine. I do not stay away from her to punish her. i stay away because it hurts to be around her. I want to show respect for myself. If my mom ever called and asked how I was and what I've been doing, I would not believe it is my mom but someone playing a joke. I understand completely your example of her not asking you to dinner. It seems like such a weak example of neglect but it is very telling in our circumstances. Only those who have experienced such indifference repeatedly can know these little signs are important. It is how we have been treated our whole lives and it takes forever to recognize that it is why you have struggled in other areas of life. Hang in there, Julia. We are not perfect but we deserved better. @@juliaoconnor5798

[@juliaoconnor5798]

My oldest brother was her golden child & today he hates her he wants nothing to do with her he's basically washed his hands if her. If she calls or texts him he responds however he doesn't initiate any contact with her.

[@whitezircon]

Letting my mother, and sister go years ago was the healthiest thing I’ve done for myself and my family. Unfortunately they will never change, and refuse to get help. Just because your blood doesn’t give you license to abuse me. I’m much happier not having either of them around. Sad but true.

[@traceykemple2768]

I really appreciate this take on trauma bonding. It never occurred to me this could apply to the relationships we have with our parents. My childhood was pretty sheltered and not overly traumatic, and I've spent my life keeping my mother on a pedestal. I have only started to recognize how our dynamic has negatively affected the way I relate to friends and partners in the past two years. I'm working on how to sort this out and move through it. It's so .... crushing.

[@boscarinoma2305]

Thank you Kim. I appreciate your gentle videos. I thought I had a normal childhood until I moved my parents closer to me because I couldn’t handle teaching full-time and flying out to take care of my parents during every single vacation. I almost self destructed. I asked my PCP for a therapist recommendation. Thank God, she was wonderful. I was raised by a narcissist and I didn’t realize it until I was in my late fifties. I was hyper vigilant and exhausted all the time. I was trained to respond like an animal. To this day, I fight that impulse! My parents were unreasonable and entitled. My dad tried, but he was her enabler. And when they were in their nineties he would cry because she was so cruel. He was a brilliant Colombia University graduate who fought in the battle of the bulge in WWII. This is what a malignant narcissist can do. Thankfully, through hard work in therapy, I am very happy with my life. From time to time issues surface that I have to deal with, but I can do that now.

[@katieg7679]

I am trauma bonded with my mother and she was very trauma bonded with my Grandma who passed away last year at 93. I think even though my grandma is gone, my mom is still trauma bonded with her. I think I've finally come to understand that it is not something that time or distance can really solve, the damage has already been internalized. The only way out is to strengthen and enforce your sense of self which has been trampled on for years and years, whether intentionally or not.

[@chuck3999]

I'm 73 years old. I have never truly resolved the trauma bond that incurred in my childhood. My mother was a Narcissist to whom I could never truly please. You speak about the issues surrounding this (bond) however, no one seems to address the love that the child never received. What then occurs to a person, whose carried this issue throughout ones life? What impact has on a person, when it goes unresolved?

[@oliverrojas3185]

Hello, thanks for sharing. Later in life,it’s true, that what falsely perceived as parental love, during childhood, was actually something else. I agree it can do damage.

[@wiser1254]

It’s up to us to recognize the disparity between what we received and what we deserved and should have received in terms of love. We then have to strive to give ourselves love and respect, and recognize those who bring toxicity into our lives.

[@Sheywh12]

Yes the damage and hurt they do Trying to heal feels like ripping your own skin off of your body and giving it back to her where it belongs So ai can grow new skin! Sometimes it's more than I can handle I find myself doing absolutely nothing on days where I feel her ghostly presence pressing on me. It's like I think I need to do without so she could have everything and I have nothing!!

[@gingerrivas5354]

Omg I feel you completely almost crying😢 it is heart braking because you always need a mom

[@carrielassiter8455]

I’ve had trouble putting my memories together and clarifying what I went through. You have helped with that and I thank you. The descriptions you gave are so spot on. My mother loved me and I loved her. She suffered so very much, but her BPD caused me to suffer too.

[@emilyc8074]

It took decades to realise that I was constantly seeking ways of navigating the abuse in order to remain in the relationship with my mother rather than seeking ways to distance myself or leave. I managed to repeat the same pattern in relationships, friendships and work environments. I would smooth over those by blaming myself and thinking well, this is familiar, I can deal with this - and I'd ramp up the hyper-vigilance and keep walking on eggshells until they were dust rather than walking away. There was love where my mum was concerned but it was conditional and impossible to predict and could be gone in the blink of an eye. Thank you so much for talking about your own experiences and explaining it so clearly.

[@janswimwild]

Thank you Kim for expressing such a familiar experience so eloquently ❤️ I was raised in a trauma bond with my mother. I didn’t start to realise something was wrong until my 50s by which time I had married a grandiose version of my mother. The final straw for me came when my mother deliberately excluded me from my father’s funeral service. I had asked for a few days delay so that I could be there, they had moved to another continent decades before and I had to organise kennels, flights at a peak time and had succeeded in organising things for a week later. Several days later, having spoken to her every day except the day before, she phoned me waxing lyrical about how wonderful the service was, who was there, who said what, etc and how it was best I wasn’t there. For a lifetime in a minute I found myself in a state of deep shock while simultaneously trying to work out how I could react so that life would go on as normal. But the shock was too deep, I could no longer bear to hear her words or her voice, that tone of one-uppmanship that was suddenly so horribly familiar. I remembered her telling me just a week before that ‘unfortunately’ I was just like my father, and being stunned by the malice. We never spoke again. I couldn’t physically cope with hearing her voice, I would shake at the thought of it. That day I lost who I thought I was (that was strangely a gift) and have been exploring who I am ever since. It takes time, and lots of self care.

[@suesteig3025]

My mom did something similar to me when my dad died. I have been saying I'm just like my dad. I gringe every time the phone rings. I don't want to talk to her. I don't like her anymore. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤

[@deborahbailey8246]

🙏❤️

[@justinwatson1510]

We have had enough time to formally study early childhood development that I think we should make parenting classes a prerequisite for being allowed to have children. I know there will be people who argue about the "parent's right" to create lives, but I think we should worry more about protecting children from being born into abusive or neglectful environments. We may never be able to prevent stuff like schizophrenia, but I think we could make significant reductions in the number of personality disorders by trying to disrupt the cycle of intergenerational trauma.

[@JenX7391]

❤❤❤ I felt like I was sitting in my living room with a close friend describing exactly to the T how I feel everyday! I am so much a combo of disorganized and anxious, leaning more toward disorganized with an eggshell single mother & married to a 28 day sober alcoholic husband of 30 years.I have never been able to express or explain to myself, let alone anyone else how I feel, see, everything! I found myself nodding along as you were talking. I feel like I just won the lottery because I finally know, after 50 years on this planet and several therapists, where to start and how to explain to my family my reactions so they fully understand it's not them. I need to work on changing my thought process! Thank you for all of the videos, tools and wonderful conversation is what it feels like. I truly feel like someone unlocked a door!

[@eottoe2001]

Safety is a big issue for a lot of us. It's only been recently that even thought of it is a value. TY for pointing that out.

[@rodking779]

Wow, of all the hundreds of KZbin video I’ve watched you explained my relationship with my father perfectly. And my most recent romantic entanglement of 2.5 years. Thank you

[@rfeyman3682]

Honestly one of the most painful but informative sessions I had with a therapist is when she suggested we reverse the roles and have me write down what my mother did vs. what I would have done as a loving and caring parent. I am not sure why but this technique really worked for me and just showed how abusive and unhelpful my mother was on a regular basis. She came in to "help" to get her own needs met and it was never about me or actually helping me.

[@jeremy19175]

It sounds like my mom i realized that my mom and step father are the same way and that they are and always have been abusive and unhelpful not caring about me and my siblings wants and needs and only cared about having theirs met.

[@fdauphine9595]

Spot on..listening reminded me of numerous habitual bad emotional times with mom. The hypervigilance .. I felt like I was on high pitch c when she'd come in from being gone for a while..what mood..what step do I take.. All the dysfunctional people are passed or I divorced them. I'm alone now with the dog and absolutely love the peace, quiet and lol boredom. I am so grateful I have a chance to stop my insanity. Thank you for your life and strength to share. I'm so proud of you..❤👍🕊🙏🕊

[@kimberlychristine9284]

Thank you Dr. Kim for making these videos and for being so open about your own experience. You are helping me understand what I've dealt with my whole life and how it was all normalized when it was toxic. I am heavily trauma bonded to a covert narc mom who I also suspect could be quiet bpd or mild bpd and have dealt with the trauma bond cycle you talked about in this video.

[@PBinNC]

And these are exactly the reasons I have had to limit my interactions with my mother. I refuse to be treated the way she treated me as a child. Yes, our relationship is very shallow. Yes, I wish it was different. But until and unless she decides to talk about it, or admits her mistreatment of me, I will limit her access and engagement. I, and only I, get to decide how much interaction there is. Boundaries were my weakness. No longer.

[@robertathomas8503]

I appreciate you so very much. I needed to hear the impact of intermittent reinforcement and trauma bond. I have been married 47 years and STILL make excuses for bad behavior because he can be nice...I feel like the little girl in the exorcist, my head is constantly spinning. I am tired. My husband has many characteristics of my mom who is deceased, but the difference is she could be nurturing. I also made excuses for her being raised in the Great Depression. I just want peace and to stop being a people pleaser. And though I have been in counseling, I just haven't been able to more on. After all, he can be nice...etc. Maya said when you know better you do better, I guess it doesn't apply to me.

[@AsianDHD23]

You can't change others, you can only change yourself and accept not everyone will understand nor like these changes and that's ok. Your family of origin does not want you to change because they prefer to keep you in your dysfucntional childhood family role.

[@mariahernandez8705]

It is a great example of the duality we are living in and how it effects all of us . We all do some of that to our own children😢 but we are learning. Thank you Kim!

[@wendyrobinson-wr4lg]

Thank you for articulating this. Everything you're describing is starting to make sense of my life. Even into my mid-forties, I would visit my mother daily and it was an exercise in extreme anxiety for me because I never knew in advance who would show up - 'good mum' or 'bad mum'. Can't believe I let myself be treated like this for all those years! I knew it felt wrong but I had been taught to believe that I deserved it because I was an inherently 'faulty' and worthless individual. It was this belief about myself that stopped me from advocating on my own behalf. Thank you for your videos

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

OMG…. I felt stress for you listening to the description of what you went through in your own home. I’m sorry you went through that.

[@heifie2540]

I had a very dramatic childhood with emotional and psychological abuse but the fact that hurt and shocked me the most was that nobody believed me.Not my teachers , not my friends , not my grandparents who where part of the abuse. I was very lonely and depressed and had no chance to get help in this situation. As an adult I found a therapist who helped me to understand what had happened.But I' m still struggeling with a lot problems in my social life.

[@marionwigzell7334]

Thank you Kim for helping me to understand my relationship with my mother. I now realise that I have stayed because of my trauma bond. It totally makes sense to me. Sadly, I feel that I have missed out on so much and I am now sixty two. My mother is facing her end now and I feel for the first time in my life that I will be free to discover me (-: Marion ❤

[@emmadahlkvist-gt7ji]

I think one of my problems is that I have a hard time even validating my experience of the emotional and verbal abuse. A part of me keeps denying that it was abuse. I feel so very put down in many different ways but it's like I believe the picture she (my mum) paint up to be true about me. It's difficult work finding yourself in this trauma bond. Especially when it's been there since early childhood. I grieve the relationship that coule have been and I work on forgiving myself for giving up on it. It's never going to change so I couldn't stay in it and I couldn't expose my children to it.

[@terry4O]

I recognize I had a trauma bond with my mother who I ended up caregiving the last 8 years of her life after escaping a cult. I don't know if my mom had BPD, but she did have a special talent for sucking the joy out of any situation. It's was like she couldn't tolerate anything good, always fixated on the bad that happened or might happen. She never saw a solution she couldn't find a problem with, and didn't know the meaning of taking responsibility. Getting her to just drink water and anything to take care of herself was a constant struggle. Several professionals (doctors/teachers) told her she needed to get me to a therapist when I was a teen, however when she had taken my brother several yrs before the therapist said he was fine, but he would like to meet with her. She refused to go. I think she didn't want to hear that again, so avoided taking me. She finally passed in January, and I mistakingly thought I just needed a couple months of rest and I would recover. Instead it's been a time of confronting just how toxic she was and the effect it had on me. I am no longer chronically exhausted, but the chronic stress is taking a bit longer. I had a ptsd blackout and hit and ran a car 2 mos after she passed. I still don't remember but it woke me up to the degree of my pent up anger and resentment. After a 30 day stay in a crisis residential and 5 months after the incident the dizziness, nausea, sensative to sound, body jerking, etc continue but are slowly resolving. Your channel has been as helpful as my own therapist, thank you!

[@max-cs9ko]

Trauma Reenactment and faithful bond with trauma is quite real

[@laurataggart8018]

Thank you for your work , Kim. I am 62 years old and it’s nice to think the rest of my time can be free of trauma bonds. Each video takes me a little further. 😊

[@christinelong1071]

Wow.... how insightful to where I am now. I sold my house and moved in with my son and his family, to help take care of my DS Granddaughter. I can clearly see that I am in a trauma bond with my daughter inlaw. I need boundaries badly. Thank you for opening me up to see. It is a pattern I thought I fixed, but I guess not. But I see it now.

[@anitawaclawik4286]

I found your explanation of the cycle of the trauma bond useful.

[@carrielassiter8455]

I have to comment again while still watching the video. The letter sending happened to me too. I’m telling you, my brother and I and my grandparents needed support through my mom’s BPD. We didn’t know what was going on. Mom was such a good person, but these episodes were so hard. No family support in the mental health community for BPD, misdiagnosis, severe ongoing pain and suffering for my mother…I wish I could do something to help others not have to go through all this. It affected my entire life and I struggle now at 61. Lost mom 11 years ago to suicide. BPD is horrible. Thank you for tackling this illness for the children of those with BPD. Everywhere else deals with the patient themselves. I need help as the adult child. Thank you! ❤

[@karenlanghofer8762]

So helpful. I have the same relationship with my mom. I don’t really talk or see her anymore. My anxiety has gone down significantly.

[@anitaweeks972]

Thanks for making these videos, they have helped me to understand better my childhood and my relationship with my parents, I am also an only child so I resonate with a lot of how you are feeling. I love your vulnerability and honesty and really appreciate that, we are just learning in our family the role of neuro diversity, I resonate with giftedness, whilst my husband is just being assessed for ADHD this as you can imagine has played a huge role in our 32yrs of marriage. We came to these findings as my son in law was diagnosed with ADHD so my daughters exploration of this has led to one of my grand daughters being diagnosed with giftedness and autism and there is probably more as we believe her other daughter and son are on the spectrum. It feels like, as you say if we had known these things growing up life needn’t have been so tough, however now I get to be there for my grandchildren whilst they navigate this word without labels and society’s prejudices. Thanks again for sharing ❤️❤️❤️

[@belleturnedtowords]

Thank you for this video! I’m working my way out of a PTSD / guilt based OCD battle, so I often put on informational videos about things that happened in my situation / story. I had this happen from when I was eight years old all the way until now, in my early thirties. No one’s quite put it like that: tension, incident, reconciliation, calm. I have picked friends / partners who would treat me that way and I’d have NO idea why. I have a pattern, and I’m seeking to fight it. Your videos are so gentle and informative, and I want to let everyone know: you’ve got this. You’re not alone.

[@Harpeia]

Ok, here comes a community participation comment. It's hard. It's hard to know all this and still not be able to get out of the cycle. I'm what's called middle-aged by now but I am still taking care of my mother due to all of what was described in the video. And her behaviour, our relationship, has not even once changed. As the most banal of all examples, just a week ago, she throws a heavy object at me, substantially injuring me, and then, the next day, buys me an ice cream maker I wanted but couldn't afford. I know it's bad. I am fully aware of everything going on, but I can't just leave. She'll genuinely be left alone in the world and I wouldn't do that to anyone. But dr. Kim's videos help in terms of feeling understood. It's pleasant.

[@helenshard2247]

I loved my mother but she never love me ,I tried to please her by being good but it didn’t make any difference so I wouldn’t speak to her in the end ,I could tell I was in the way she would carry on with what she was doing like I was never in the same room as her , when I got older and I was married she started to speak to me , then she ended up staying with us for the week it was hard having her staying with us I couldn’t deal with the situation I didn’t know how to show love or caring I tried to stay out of her way she sat in the garden in the sunshine I made excuses not to do the same , it just carried on like this forever !😢

[@amberlonsdale3660]

It’s so validating to hear this story from a fellow psychologist. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share your story.

[@sandrabailey2433]

At 63 I still have not been able to care about myself and believed that I deserved it now she's passed and now I am trying to get away from a toxic relationship with someone one who is the same physical and mentally abusive 😢

[@CabinGirl]

Thank you for explaining this in such an authentic and relatable manner. I had a trauma bond with my late mother, and learned it may impact how you parent your children. If you don’t realize it, it may then continue to impact how the grandparent treats the grandchildren, especially when they babysit. The multigenerational cycle of abuse and neurological (somatic) and psychological symptoms may remain until finally broken, or reprocessed. Grateful for your wisdom and insight.

[@samirakassem92]

I am VERY Grateful for your channel bringing Self Awareness 💗Thank You

[@allwellandgood8547]

I'm so sorry for all you have experienced Dr Sage. Your children, clients and our community are so lucky that you have used your experiences to be a power for good.❤🙏 I'm in my 40s and only in the last few years have realised how the historical family trauma bonds have been driving my whole life. I too had the day of my c section result in a blow up from my mother and so much upset, us paying an elderly neighbour to sit our son. Knowledge, acceptance and boundaries have helped me to start living life with more awareness, but I can see it is going to be a long healing journey of therapy and self development ❤

[@Faithisfuture]

Thank you for that I am really struggling with relationships and decided it’s worth it after the last one I keep going back to my childhood where my dad was very controlling and often mentally abusive to my mom and us I remember getting in fights with my dad a lot of times over my mom to defend her or for lots of other reasons I did not realize until now how deeply hurt I am because of this childhood and struggle with this especially these days where everything is unsocial and online

[@imwatching2960]

Describes perfectly my fathers' behavior. His recurrent rage issues and the next day like nothing happened. My hypervigilance that defines my relationships and being able to do like I haven't even heard an offense.

[@kellydickens82]

The absolute scary sense this makes is epic! Crying with relief that I am not crazy!! I cannot thank you enough!! I am literally sat here like - WOW!!! It’s my whole life and I am totally blown away.. thank you for your totally healing words. ❤

[@tommachniak8899]

I was in a trauma bond with my mother who I believe has undiagnosed NPD. Since 2011, it became worse, I thought things would atrophy. I began to self harm (this year) as I have BPD, as she immensely triggered me, and yes, I did cut her off on January 1 of this year. She never apologised for telling me to go and kill myself because I am a homosexual. She always gaslights, controls, manipulate ms, etc. she now no longer has control. Her life and blood, oxygen is all about control. I was discharged from a private psychologist because I told her I had self harm thoughts, on the contrary I have been accepted to an LGBT trauma program for free. They focus on suicide and self harm. I was in hospital in April due to tylenol overdose , the nurse manager dated me and discarded me. I saw my mother with him. I always fall for narcissists. I’m working on myself. Thank you for this video. ❤

[@freebird968-wg4ye]

It was absolutely the right length. Fantastic video. It has come at the right time for me. 10 years out of a 20 year narcissistic relationship. Have been struggling to fully recover.have devoured content on the internet all this time. It’s like I understand it all but still stuck. I had a mentally ill parent who I always cared about till her death. This video helps me to understand the trauma bond, childhood walking on eggshells, my people pleasing behaviour throughout life, avoiding conflict etc and staying with my ex all that time (and the aftermath with all the ruminations, cptsd symptoms). Thank you . ❤

[@sandrabailey2433]

Now I'm with someone who treats me the same making me hate myself worsen with the pandemic

[@mdel4541]

0:15 I had an extremely dysfunctional childhood with sexual and mental abuse from my father and a mother who tried to cope but was unable to break her bond with my father. Thank you for this video I understand my trauma bond with my ex and my parents, my friends and my siblings, my lover better now. I hope to be able to one day learn to love myself better and put myself first

[@karentyndall7948]

Bless you you are here now. You are a star. Been there with mum and husband. Divorced Mum dead and starting to parent myself at 63. We have hope xxxxlove you thanks for all your help xxx❤❤❤❤❤

[@jaclynbrooks4684]

Very grateful for these videos. The way you explain things is really effective.

[@kayak9078]

Went no contact with my mother 16 years ago. I’ve healed and in hindsight the best thing I ever did because she’s only got worse, or so I hear. I know this sounds terrible but I really don’t have much love for the woman anymore. I don’t wish anything bad for her but if I had to be honest my day wouldn’t be ruined if she passed away.

[@shawntelewis7108]

This is my story 😢. Thank you.

[@rubenvargas8288]

Dr. , dealing and dealt with same issues. Different specifics or details . The similarities are really surprising to some extent. But then again it shouldn’t be to me because I’m sure it’s happened to hundreds of thousands of people. Same craziness! I went no contact when I understood to some extent the psychologically damaging impact of my mother’s behavior. It has taken me more years to understand it to a greater degree but I had distance myself in a great way. The narcissistic abuse, unconscious and conscious, was too much to bear. Thank you again. It helps understand it a little better. The world is disaligned. Thank you for your intervention in this matter.

[@DRSmith8808]

Thank you so much for your amazing insights! So proud to call you my sister, as we clearly had the same mother.

[@sandrabailey2433]

I wish I could have had this alot sooner I need a therapist and am frozen when it comes to get one

[@katharinabuccarello4329]

It's totally fine that your videos are longer than planned. I think most people who are watching your videos like it even more that way. At least that's how I see it ;)

[@SonicFreedom]

Dear Kim...Thanks for sharing honest helpful life experiences for subject matter; Love the Erik Satie gymnopedie music outro! Sending you light n love... 💕

[@cintalopez-teijeiro5683]

Thanks for sharing both your experience and knowledge, big part of my problem was going though therapists that told me I had to move on, childhood problems were not that important or that a really abusive partner was ok and I was the difficult one 😅

[@Eshrimpski]

I can relate to SOOO much of this…! And I’m the “identified patient”. I can count on one hand how many times my parents went to family therapy. The whole egg shell scenario is very relatable also!! I’m going to send this to my therapist…!

[@NDE_Wise.MariaLupitaGurule]

This is extremely helpful, thank you.

[@robertafierro5592]

No better way to.spend a quiet end of summer evening.

[@healingcharm]

I can relate with feeling like I didn't grow up. I never felt warmth and safety, and I'm just always ready to run and hide as my safety, so responsibility seems like a tether I can't allow to restrict me.

[@anjuska007]

Thank you for changing lives with the power of truth, awareness and knowledge. Highly appreciate you and your work ❤

[@oliverrojas3185]

Thanks for sharing, I am 50. . I relate to a lot that was said, other than not having children or being married while it happened. I am a custodial worker with two part time jobs, with varied schedules. If l had more financial success l might elaborate more transparently about the child hood living conditions. Admittedly, into my late twenties, l stuck around longer than l might have, had l not thought l was going to receive an inheritance. I officially parted from my mother at 44.

[@cmack5713]

Your right I'm glad for this series!! Thanks dr.!!

[@butterfly-kb4cn]

This makes so much sense in my life and have lived it all my 50 yrs of life. And unfortunately it has went over in my adult children. I feel so trapped in my situation with no possibility of being able to take care of myself. I have to find a way to help myself but feel no way to support myself.

[@Stratus909]

I’m 34 and have had many unsuccessful relationships including one that recently ended. I am working to overcome the challenges that I didn’t really know I had. I grew up with a scent and angry fathers. A mother who was unavailable and step moms who used my biological father. I notice now (finally) that I do the same things. I get frustrated, few used, disrespected and then we fight. I say mean things and then eventually all goes back to 90% ok but as the cycle repeats that 90% dwindles lower and lower to eventually a separation. I don’t remember much of my childhood so I find it difficult to pin point the reactions and responses. I also spent time in the military which I believe made it waaay easier to just exist in anger and frustration towards those around me and heighten the distrust and hyper vigilant behaviors. I’m in therapy and really want to be better. I desire a loving relationship. However, I haven’t really seen one other than the pendulum (really good/really bad) I truly do believe it’s possible, thought right now I feel defeated and that there is something truly wrong with me.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

🌱🌏💚 Thank you very much for providing links to your free courses in the description. Fee based courses aren't a resource option for alot of people.

[@polyrhythmnix9723]

This video really rang true for me, it was an eye-opener, thank you. 💚

[@JessTipton-w3f]

It is like listening to my own life…. And doesn’t hiding the truth to outsiders along the way to be the bigger person , comes back to bite us in the ass.

[@ashleykane7353]

I just realized I treat my partner the same way my mother used to treat me….I thought he was the problem this whole time. I think it’s me. I truly think I don’t deserve him. What have I done.

[@StanTheRiverMan]

Another awesome video,I know you're constantly saying your striving to produce shorter videos,but I think the way they are are perfectly fine.They get there when they get there,I think in this video everythign you said needed saying so please don't edit them down in the future,or go for a shorttee the way they are are always very impactful to me,and I get something new after each viewing plus they like refreshing to my soul if that makes sense.

[@lealian8200]

Wow! Trauma trance, this term really hits me.

[@sandrabailey2433]

So true the verb was worse than the physical

[@TMMT4]

Explains everything. As an overlooked and unheard child I catered to everybody else and wasn’t worried about myself. I would want to fix what was wrong when there was tension. Incidents occurred over and over and made me immune to it and I’d overlook it. Her mom was toxic with her and to me too. Her mom helped here and there and when she wasn’t there that’s when I was playing that part at about 10 years old. It’s from there I felt as if I am obligated in assisting my mom with everybody else so I stuck around if I’m not here who helps. This made me bitter because to me I was living life for everybody except myself and they acted unappreciative. It’s as if Im unable to function for myself from basically being that committed to those circumstances. I wonder if my mom made me dependent on her so she’d depend on me. I think the good and bad causes confusion because then there’s “she isn’t so mean to me” but then the mean moments seem to stick more. It’s ironic that in my mind love isn’t hard or hurtful yet I attract individuals that seem similar to my mom and that type of toxicity.

[@ratics29x]

iv never been able to love, until something happened and i really loved someone late on in my sixties better late than never. it didn’t work out i eventually moved on it hurt but now in the past but i eventually knew what love was, learned a hard lesson from a great person, God Bless her. am now happy with me and my family.

[@sandrabailey2433]

Wow so true thank you for this

[@monikagrunwald3689]

The examples you give of your mother behavior are taken out of my life, quite literally. The same gaslighting behavior and god forbid that now I am finally setting up boundaries & saying out loud what hurt me. Oh no, what an awful ungrateful daughter I am after ’everything that was done for me & my brother’

[@JurassicCrinoid-fj1wt]

Thank-you. Very helpful. My dad could be a real prince, but it required a payment of my self esteem and feeling of worth. When I was a young adult having lived through a year of being molested, my girlfriend's folks were always interested and wanted to hear my mind. I loved her dearly cause she saved me from that pedophile. That was forbidden in my family.

[@vaggelissotiropoulos4140]

amazing info that i wish i knew years and years ago! thx very much for the wisdom and sharing it with all of us! a total God-send!

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

Thank you for these amazing videos…. Truly life changing, life saving really!! 😇😇😇

[@BeccaL2016]

Thank you for sharing your story I just found your channel. It’s always helpful to listen to others stories on how BPD behaves could give us different perspective. I don’t know if I have BPD never seen see a doctor but I feel I have the tendency at least.. like my friends told me I texted too much I didnt feel it until I have another friend texted me none stop and then I know how others feel… I was like what’s wrong with him?!? I blocked him and unblocked him he was still texting 😮… so it’s good to be on the other side to hear those stories

[@lial2713]

thank you Kim ❤

[@samanthaenriquez509]

My mom always bought us something no apology ever

[@angelagibbs6776]

I get what you’re saying. Coming from a mother who abused me all her living life. However I do believe we live in a world of blame and I think we have take personal responsibility to stop the ripple effects. Also understand that’s there “In their opinion “. I’ve been going through PTSD and been told “To get over”. That triggers me. But I have to accept that’s in a 80 year olds opinion. That’s my mother in law and partner. It’s hurtful, but I’m not going to change their minds. It’s very hard. But that’s just generations I guess. I went the opposite of how I was treated growing up. 5 children and they all say I was too soft on them.

[@sally5256]

Not too long! Always helpful 🙏❤️

[@chiaraA.]

thank you for sharing - so helpful

[@happysharing6933]

Dr. Kim, thanks for your generous sharing.

[@JessTipton-w3f]

I like using the words “narcissistic tendencies” to describe the person(s) in my life who have sustained relational patterns such as your mother versus “BPD” or “Narcissistic.” I am bpd - but I am you in your story. which essentially - complex trauma survivor - I am deeply afraid to just say “perhaps this person, in my case my mother as well (that I deeply love and want to love me back) * has “narcissistic tendencies” - * it is hard to say. I still don’t, even after she has passed. Your struggle to understand that person, their abandonment of you, their words, and especially your description of your cover-up of it to the outside world to protect them (your ideal of them, others’ ideal of them which is what we crave to be real bc it is our protection and shield) - …. This struggle I have lived fully, and still STILL STILL struggle to accept reality, talk about reality even in my defense - that struggle? I feel with my whole heart and soul as well. I want to, perhaps, defend the diagnosis of “BPD” , and suggest kindly “narcissistic tendencies” as a phrase instead simply bc your description of her character, behaviors, and relational patterns are being labeled as “maybe BPD” - and that hurts. Lol Someone with bpd might have “intense narcissistic tendencies” or they might not. Bpd is wildly wildly misunderstood - but it stems from- baseline-a childhood with intermittent reinforcement as the ground whether due to 1 or both parents having addiction or 1 or both parents exuding narcissistic “tendencies” - the people I know with borderline do not say mean things bc we are on eggshells and then go on to attach to other eggshell relationships ….. I just want to say that narcissistic tendencies are what they are - the insults the storming out and name calling and inability to connect in order to create sustainable relational results - narcissistic “tendencies” . I think calling “tendencies” “tendencies” instead of classifying someone as bpd or narcissist prevents your fear - of Mis-diagnosing someone and then classifying other people with the same diagnosis as “that” …. I love your videos so much. The way you communicate brings a peace because it is similar to the way I feel and communicate. Thank you for sharing and for your authenticity , vulnerability to share videos. I want to share my perspective, which could be completely wrong- but it is not meant to criticize - quite the opposite. Please keep posting. Nice to not feel isolated in these experiences I have had. Thank you for your work.

[@Michelle0920]

Wow ... this was insightful . Thank you.

[@noone-op6yg]

...doing fine, it is because you are sharing the information from your own perspective that i can understand better, sometimes perspective makes it what it is, or seems to be lol... Thank you very much Dr. Sage, ask of me a favour that i'm able to do for you... will be done.

[@larsstougaard7097]

So useful 😊

[@Sheywh12]

Yes the damage and hurt they do Trying to heal feels like ripping your own skin off of your body and giving it back to her where it belongs So ai can grow new skin! Sometimes it's more than I can handle I find myself doing absolutely nothing on days where I feel her ghostly presence pressing on me. It's like I think I need to do without so she could have everything and I have nothing!!

[@cherylparis4056]

Thank you. I understand exactly what you mean, it's like you are talking about me.❤

[@sandrabieckmann2187]

❤❤❤ how do you change (or let go) the trauma..(-bond) And i think most people don't now that they have it.. How do you recognise it..

[@philkoch7666]

I had this with my dad and now with my son..