"So Much SHAME" | What Divorce Is Really Like For Women

WARNING: If you have been badly hurt by your ex wife's actions and are still feeling deep pain or strong anger, please DO NOT WATCH this video. It will be triggering and unhelpful at this stage of your healing. If you're in this position, please focus on yourself and your needs. This is not the time to try to understand her perspective.
Many women look like they're fine during a divorce, but they're often the complete opposite of fine. A women's divorce expert shares the truth about what women are feeling during divorce.
Christina Cuevas invited me to ask her all the hard questions, like:
- What is divorce really like for women?
- How do women move on so quickly?
- If she 'seems fine' does it mean the marriage didn't mean anything to her?
- Why do women leave good men with great jobs who don't cheat?
- How can a woman choose her own happiness over keeping the family together for her children?
Christina is a divorce healing expert who specializes in helping women overcome the shame from divorce in order to heal and transform for their future. She focuses on empowering and teaching women emotional tools they can use to heal.
Connect with Christina: linktr.ee/herh...
00:00 "She's Dying Inside" Intro
01:14 Christina Cuevas - Women's Divorce Healing Expert
04:04 How did she suddenly go so COLD?
09:06 What did she want that she didn't get?
12:26 What about the children?
17:00 Being with someone's painful emotions
22:34 How do you help women?
25:00 She seems 'fine'. Is she?
27:00 Women are good at hiding emotions
29:20 How women prepare for the next relationship
36:56 How we repeat past patterns
38:04 The easiest way to start feeling better
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't handicap you in relationships. You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future.
Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma
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► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time
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► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose
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► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential
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► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive.
amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.

[@kencarey6483]

As a husband of 15 years (relationship totaled 19) 3 kids .. wife bailed 4 years ago ( with a co worker ) and used the exact reasons outlined. Our marriage was problem free,sex was good . She blamed me for not understanding her but her ap did. Divorced in 2020. Met current gf , later in 2020, been together 4 years in Jan. Learning to listen , sympathize and not attempt to repair . Will not let 2 nd chance slip away. Ex was completely bitter and extremely vile towards me . Blindsided.. things got worse with her after my new relationship grew into a possible long term commitment when ex realized I was gone for good and being a good man for “ another woman”. Will I ever truly understand.. no .. will I learn from this .. absolutely. To other good men this has happened to.. it’s not your fault , however it is your responsibility to learn and adjust so the next relationship is successful

[@IRONMAN79101]

Thanks brother for sharing ,

[@duanehumphrey2547]

80 to 90 percent of all divorces are initiated by women, which in turn destroys nuclear families. Marriage does not work, primarily because women think it's about their feelings.

[@4EverEvolving1]

Very well said brother.... Going through a divorce (similar amount of time invested in my marriage) and I can say many lessons have been learned here. I have such a better understanding now and will implement this knowledge one day hopefully into a new relationship if I'm ever that lucky.

[@user-kl9th4dm2y]

The fact that she left you but when she found out you were in a serious long-term relationship suddenly became outraged and jealous just shows that she never did the work to heal. If she was emotionally neutral toward you and even wished you and your new partner happiness, it would show real growth and maturity on her part. She never healed and her current relationship will likely fail because she has all that baggage which will (if not already) infect her current relationship and cause it to collapse. It's a death cycle.

[@Mr101HAMMER]

16 years in a relationship/ marriage and 4 kids, wife filed last year. Similar experience. Thanks for the encouragement. Lifes a roller coaster like that. The strange part is, I'm a great Dad but now to another man's kids as well.

[@Minnow4397]

Men, if your woman has social media that’s the beginning of the end. The death of joy by comparison and jealousy. They see friends post only their best moments and they believe their man isn’t providing or their life is sub par. Then they start to gossip about their relationship behind their man’s back with her toxic friends. It takes one miserable hot mess women in that group(she’s probably divorced)to affirm her feelings and the papers are all but signed. The drop of attraction and then the belief they can do better. That’s it game over. There is no other reason a healthy relationship would tank. Minus infidelity. Her man is depressed cause he knows she blew up one marriage and he’s walking on eggshells in his own house. Prior behaviors is the number one indicator of future action. She divorced one man, you won’t be different. The dating market is full of these single mommies and 40+ 50+ who thought they could do better and want us to pick up their loans. Hold fast boys. Rent don’t buy. David’s Bridal just filed for bankruptcy a few weeks ago it’s a sign of time ladies. It’s called accountability. That’s the metric men are held to. You want equality, you got it. 2030 50% of American women will be single. It’s over. I know I’ll be shamed and they’ll say I’m hurt or triggered. It’s a tactic to silence dissent. My life doing just fine now. The freedom is fantastic and I have to share with no one if I so chose. Date if you want but as long as there are women out here trying to justify their poor decisions by blaming men it will never be safe to let the state enter a man’s life through marriage.

[@fjschneider]

It is never safe to let the state enter your personal life no matter what the times look like. NEVER. EVER. DO IT.

[@chrisomalley1105]

That's why it's called " Fakebook" . These women who constantly post " look at me and my happy vacation" look at me and girls night out - loaded down with alcohol and never a husband in site!!

[@enjinman]

Best written reply I ever read 💯

[@73ryan]

My marriage ended because of facebook, I have no doubt. My wife loved Facebook and her girlfriends more than me. The person who raised 3 kids with her. I was her soulmate until facebook came along.

[@jimigreenwood950]

She’s dying inside because she refused to do the work while married so ran off to focus on her happiness. She surrounded herself with singles who would support her. Then when that one thing happened I realized she checked out years ago and now has a broken family and even more baggage and BS. For years I was open and she was closed. I see it now i got so used to living in fear she would leave I ended up also shutting down.

[@t-pain3343]

My ex wife 36F ran off with our 22F daycare worker. I’m sure that will last

[@woodchipwedgie]

Christina, like many women like to focus on how men can better understand women, versus how women can better understand men i.e. me are the problem. The whole tapping, breathing, nature walk stuff, it is all so self absorbed. Women today are conditioned to be selfish, self-centered, self-focused and if they get any internal negative feelings they are conditioned to blame men. 75% of divorces being initiated by women is a horrible statistic for women; Christina never mentioned physical abuse, cheating, it seemed like she was fine with women leaving men for some inner emotional turmoil, lack of communication, etc. Is that a rational and justifiable excuse to end a marriage? When kids are involved, it is this self-help unhappiness / male blaming justifiable? The emotional and economical impact of those involved, is it fair to be that emotionally vulnerable and sensitive to burn down the lives of family members? Women, today, are conditioned to think that their selfish emotional needs trump those of their families. Making a commitment, getting married, where loved ones come from coast to coast to witness and celebrate a marriage; the reason why it is such a big deal is that the commitment is forever; it isn't like you are dating and you fall out of love and you leave. When you commit to getting married, you are promising to be together through good times and bad. Women today, think marriage is about a dress, matching dresses, flowers and a fairy tale. Christina seemed to have such a casual attitude towards the commitment of marriage, and very little expectation for the woman to take ownership and bear some responsiblity and sacrifice to uphold their commitment. Rachel, you seemed to validate her like a typical woman validates a typical woman. The statistic about men killing themselves because of divorce seems to stand up to the absurdity of women's casual attitude towards the commitment of marriage. Suffering in one's mind, one's self-centered, self-absorbed mind is totally different than physical abuse . Blaming men for women's unhappiness needs to come to an end if our society really cares about marriage. 75% of divorces initiated by women deserves real criticism and distain for woman's casual attitude towards commitment and blaming men is ridiculous. The problems that this prevailing attitude of women is causing children and men is profound. We have a generation of very selfish, self-absorbed women and they are not accountable for the damage that their selfishnness is doing.

[@outstate9218]

Well said...

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

you elaborated perfectly what i attempted to describe. i am going to advise my sons, the oldest is now engaged, to avoid this emotional pitfall. i’ve already told him that what i’m going through will happen to him and most likely sooner than the 31 years it took for my marriage. as far as christina, her first husband was mostly likely correct in divorcing her. it seems she needed a simp to give her a sense of control. i thought rachael was more sensible than this. i guess i was wrong. of course, i’m a man!

[@plahoda9242]

It’s almost like dealing with an unstable dictator from the emotion side. As I stated in my post, miscommunication and internalizing emotions that only the woman know that are there is not the case for divorce. If this is the primary reason to divorce, then woman really need to get to the internal route problem with help from a psychologist before beginning a new relationship, or before blaming the man in their life. This is just projecting what they have internalized inside without actual validation. If woman don’t know what they want, how the hell are men supposed to know. I was actually hoping this video was a little different, something more sinister or deliberate. I wasn’t prepared for the playground emotions that never got resolved.

[@4thHermit616]

You hit the nail on the head. Too many women do not take the marriage commitment seriously. They don't share their feelings honestly with their husband in time to fix the marriage. They hide their feelings to build up sufficient justification to leave their husband. Just look at how many women regret their divorce many years later after they find out how good they had it, and find out how awful dating is or they have a 2nd or 3rd failed marriage.

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

thanks to all for the support & validation. i wish all of the men that is experiencing this trauma well & peace.

[@emanuelandrade2779]

"She's dying inside" was a catchphrase to drive guys to this video, and this is understandable (no sarcasm). She might be dying inside but not for the same reasons as you guys are. She is dying but she does not care about you, and she never will, she is dying inside because she is struggling to deal with the fact that reality is not like a Hallmark movie. Women are self-centered, and this video proves that!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're right in the sense that I pulled that phrase out of the video to help improve the CTR. But it was in no way planned or orchestrated. That is simply what Christina said, about 20 minutes into our conversation, when I asked her how women could leave a marriage and show no emotion about it. It hit me pretty hard when she said it, and it surprised me very much. It wasn't what I expected. I imagined that it might have a similar impact on some of you. I can see that you're angry, and I imagine that you must be angry for a good reason. I'm sorry for whatever it is that you experienced. You're right - each of us, man and woman, has our own internal battles to fight, and just because we are dealing with something painful on the inside doesn't excuse abuse, neglect or cruelty. This is true for both men and women. I hope that you have a good support system in healing the wounds she inflicted on you, and coming back to yourself in a way that feels whole, solid and safe in this messy world.

[@emanuelandrade2779]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks for your comment. Nice haircut by the way!

[@JohnDc]

Agreed with you. I tried to do everything for my wife. She was my world, and I thought that I knew I made mistakes, but nothing that justified her leaving. Rosanna, my 3x wife, left me 35 years ago, and I never recovered. This video truly proves the point. Women are programmed to detach easily. They don't care how much they hurt the men who love them. They are the selfish gender. They are ones who almost always the root cause of male suicide. Yes, some exceptions but overall they do not inside. This video is one of the worst from Rachel.

[@GoDaveGo]

I think this is true. Stated another way, the only woman who will love you is your mother (and some men don’t even get that)-and your mother does so because she views her children as extensions of herself. The cold math behind evolution is that women who take care of themselves survive long enough to raise children. You can’t blame a woman for being exactly what you’d need her to be to protect your children. You also need to look at the possibility that men and women don’t experience the same thing we call “love”. Adult men have never needed women to survive. On the contrary, supporting a woman and children takes substantially more effort. Humans are one of a relatively few mammals that have fathers. That’s because the children need it, and so men that form an attachment to a woman strong enough to stay have children who survive. We call it “love”, and it’s just an attachment that keeps (some/most) men from leaving. For women, they don’t need that attachment-they need the feelings that come from getting stuff (safety, protection, food, etc) or seeing their children get those same things. So “love” for women is more likely a collection of all sorts of emotions, but it’s based on an evolutionary tally of benefits measured by her emotions. It isn’t an attachment as men experience it. Not enough benefits and she starts feeling like her very survival is at stake if she stays. That’s the code we all carry inside of us, and hating each other for being what we are doesn’t make much sense. You might as well hate a squirrel for climbing trees.

[@michaelwhite6614]

@@GoDaveGo So true. At the start of the video I heard the guest talk about incompatible communication being the major reason for breakdown. I instantly thought to myself it's because men and women don't naturally communicate or get along well! We're curious about the opposite sex but relations between a man and a woman are purely transactional; we tie ourselves together for the hope that we'll prosper financially and have the good life and children. But lighting the candles on a wedding cake is in turn lighting a slow fuse on a bomb.

[@chipsteve]

In an outright majority of divorced couples in the USA in 2023: -the woman more-or-less begged the man to marry her. He did (he then proposed). -the man more-or-less begged the woman to keep her vow to him. She refused (she proactively divorced him). Really let that sink in. Despicable.

[@tyronebates2215]

This is exactly how it went in my case and now my soon to be ex wife has filed for divorce

[@kb.3589]

Its always the same

[@user-kl9th4dm2y]

Right. They complain or act impatient about "why hasn't he proposed yet!" And then the man does, and 5 years later she's divorcing him against his will. Alot of strong-willed women out there that want the control or if things are hard or not "perfect" or her ideal image of how her life would turn out, they just cancel the marriage and tell themselves they'll just start over and keep chasing that ideal. There are thousands of women who admit they regret their divorce or after so many years of post-divorce life, they start coming back because they couldn't find a replacement like they thought. I'm not saying men don't need to start waking up and showing up in relationships, but we live in a period of history where people are encouraged to walk away from lifelong commitments with total abandonment and the culture celebrate it as a "power move" because there's nothing more important than individual power in the 21st century.

[@jimindiveri2373]

i think the divorce laws favor women so much that they are enticed to file instead of working on the relationship.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Divorce laws could use a re-write at this point. They were put in place for a very good reason, but society isn’t there anymore and it is a little lazy of our lawmakers to not put in effort to think about fixing them

[@urbanart7325]

You can't read their mind . My wife avoided conflict and hard conversations. My fault was not making sure she knew what I expected outside and inside the bedrooms

[@fjschneider]

1,000%.

[@melkerner]

It's simply an industry, at the expense of men.

[@slaucInDaHouse]

Oh please. All that sausages. You made total justification for women to give up on good marriage and nice husband and emotiinaly destroy him in the process. Not to mention kids... Love is choice and nothing to do with mental state, ability to understand and communicate. All marriages have problems, 70% of problems cant be solved and if one dont invest himself to adapt to the problems at the expense of his ego and beeing humble, that person is unable to consciously choose love. That person choose himself and he/she should not get married in the first place. I wasted 15 years on such person. All that emotional abuse i endured over the years. I sticked with her couse i chose to love her just to be served with divorce papers. Now somehow its my fault she cant handle marriage and "we dont think alike"... And its digusting to see that people find excuses for such people... Complete bollocks..

[@fjschneider]

SPOT-ON.

[@mw1606]

Rachael, I started the video thinking that you were doing this video to humanize the ex-wives of the men that follow your channel. This interview went sideways so fast and so deep, that your guest made a perfect case for men to cheat on their spouses and ditch them at the first opportunity, or never get married, ever. I wish I was joking but when you line up that she is stoking memories of perceived offenses for years, pretending to be someone she is not, failing to do the hard work of actually creating HONEST intimacy that helps solidify mutual empathy and understanding, breaking a vow because of ephemeral emotions, and then serving their husband with divorce papers without warning, after her mind has been made up maybe for years, and without any true opportunity to hold a marriage together...and then claiming HER pain is so bad she would gnaw off a limb to get away...what guy on earth would not prepare himself for that by cheating? And then they do it a second time having convinced themselves they were not the reason the first marriage broke up...she used every rationalization except "the patriarchy." I would caption this one "Divorce: How women ruin the lives of their husbands and escape accountability."

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

When I shared this video with my email list I included a warning: WARNING: If you have been badly hurt by your ex wife's actions and are still feeling deep pain or strong anger, please DO NOT WATCH this video. It will be triggering and unhelpful at this stage of your healing. If you're in this position, please focus on yourself and your needs. This is not the time to try to understand her perspective. After seeing some of these comments, I have added it to the video description. You've been put through hell. You've been hurt and abused and treated horribly by your ex wife. You don't need this video. It can only trigger and hurt you more at this stage. Please, for your own sake, stop watching things about her. It doesn't matter what she's thinking, why she's acting the way she did/does. Stop focusing on her, and focus on healing the wounded parts of yourself. They've been through some truly traumatic experiences, and need your love, compassion, kindness and care. Watching this video is not helpful for those wounded parts. Thank you for commenting and helping to remind me to put the warning on this video.

[@mw1606]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Yea, I know who I am, and what I am today. I am the cautionary tale. cheers.

[@that_tj_brute]

⁠@@mw1606100% spot on. I listened to an episode of Christina’s podcast, and she couldn’t last 5 minutes before talking about the “patriarchy” 😂. Complete gaslighting if you ever listen to it

[@kat-601]

The problem with good men is we want JUSTICE!

[@melkerner]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Her perspective is EXACTLY the real PROBLEM which you blow off and makes excuses for. LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY by Women to communicate and OWN their own issues and mitigate them, instead of making it MEN need to do more, feel more, be empathic more, etc... The issue is not MEN, it IS Women and their screwed up mindset.

[@BikeRiderReviews]

My wife cheated and left after 25 years of marriage. The term flipped a switch is exactly right. The simple fact is that women's nature is 100% self centred. When a man truly loves his wife she is the centre of his world and there isn't anything he would not do for her or to save the marriage. He will put her first beyond everything else in his life, where as all the woman cares about is her own feelings, what she wants. Deep down when her love for her husband becomes tested to the extreme, she will always bail. Where as a husband who truly loves his wife will never stop loving her no matter what. A man's love is unconditional. Women will never know what it is to love someone unconditionally. They are not capable of doing it. The statement she is dying inside and so lonely is prety hard to see when she is sleeping in another man's bed every night.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Respect is a central part of love. You claim that men love women unconditionally... and yet from this comment it sounds like you don't even see women as whole human beings, but rather as some lessor creature incapable of feeling the depth of love that you can feel. How can you love someone that you look down upon so strongly? That isn't love. Maybe it's a desire to protect or a committment to care for... but love includes respect and requires you to hold the other person in high regard.

[@duaneh1973]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Women love with conditions. Also, love means sacrifice, accountability, and respect. It's not about a happy feeling inside.

[@130VonKleist]

​@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach he wasn't 'looking down' on her, he was stating a fact. Society has allowed women to grow up from childhood avoiding accountability and responsibility at any cost, and be treated universally better than men. They aren't required or encouraged to treat men as equal or as valuable as themselves, and are taught to view men mainly in a utilitarian fashion. You don't offer unconditional love towards your tool collection or toaster, you throw them away when they aren't useful anymore. Nice try with the deflection though.

[@williamhood3277]

It’s just your turn. Anyone can wake up and say I don’t wanna be with you anymore. It’s cold but that’s the reality. Love should always be conditional.

[@130VonKleist]

@@williamhood3277 tell that to your children right before you introduce them to their psychologist.

[@eckhardt76]

It's tough to be a man today. We live in a gneration of weak and self-centered women, even though they claim to be strong and independent. Our grandmother's generation was able to cook, raise kids, keep a household clean, and be supportive and have respect her husband. The only reason why a divorce happened back then is if the man was abusive. Now a woman will get a divorce because she's bored, looking to upgrade her options, or just because her feelings tell her so.

[@sbentsen2714]

100%

[@benrodriguez3668]

100%. I was raised by a working woman. She was very successful in her work. But she was a mother and wife first and took pride in that.

[@steveos5112]

Women are only loyal to their feelings, first and foremost.

[@gettingschooled3094]

That's a really hard sell to say "she's dying inside". Most women run their husbands and turn them into betas. Hubby is always trying to appease the wife in order to get peace or sex. After a few years she gets bored and pulls the pin on the marriage. Instead of staying friends with the ex she has to make up bullsh*t that he is abusive so she can justify the breakup and lock down full custody. Sure there are some exceptions but they are rare. Its a fight for resources after the break up and the guy is left scratching his head saying to himself " i did everything she wanted". Chicks????

[@johnnymnemonicmtl]

Women have no idea of what they want, they beg us to marry them and then they divorce us when a better deal "in their head" comes along. We change for them without even noticing it, it's done slowly and over so many years, when we do wake up it's too late, she's moved on and "she's dying inside". 🙄 When i met my ex wife, i was a gym rat and she loved all the attention i got from the girls, maybe it fed her ego that i chose her, idk... after we moved together, she would always complain when i would go to the gym instead of spending time with her, little by little, the gym routine took a back seat and i stopped going altogether... she then complained about my dad bod. i was also very into being an entrepreneur, not working for the man and trying to be my own boss, always trying to get out of the rat race to create a better future for my family, i made good money, we bought a big house with a pool, had 2 kids, 3 cars, mercedes, she was always complaining of me not spending enough time with the family... same story, i get a 9 to 5 and she complains about the money issues... Women have this idea of a man they want but don't stop to think what it takes to become that man, then when another man who is fit and successful comes along and gives them attention, they monkey branch not thinking that that's exactly where they were and ruined it all with their "emotional" demands! 20 years, a family with 2 children down the drain, don't they realize what they are depriving the children of also?

[@steveos5112]

Women are only loyal to their feelings. Men need to understand that.

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

i found that getting in touch with my emotions isn’t going to work in this relationship. because she can’t express her emotions, it’s too late to repair and i truly believe that i can’t fix her needs for a better relationship. a typical male trait is to react in a pro-active fashion but a woman can’t share her emotions with a man until it’s “too late”. it’s disgusting that men are accused of the problems that they aren’t aware of. i feel it’s the duty or obligation of a partner, regardless of gender, to make their partner aware of their thoughts prior to the deep angst and resentment builds. why are women’s emotions withheld from the man that dedicated himself for years to ensure her safety and security only to have his future recklessly destroyed? how can a man ever succeed in marriage when their mate one day wakes up to finally reveal it’s over after she has withheld the issues she claims you’re guilty of after many years? the fact that 70-80% of divorces are filed by the wife would indicate that there is something deeply concerning about how women view relationships.

[@plahoda9242]

Well said. Take care of yourself.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Dan, thank you for watching and sharing some of your story. I know that in this video we made some pretty sweeping generalizations, however, I would caution you against projecting your partner's behaviors onto the entire gender. Not all women are unable to share their emotions until it is too late. Many women are taking responsibilty for their emotions and intiating these conversations with their spouses. At the same time, many men are not receptive, or brush off problems when they are told about them. I've interviewed about 400 divorced men over the last two years and many of them have told me that they went to couples therapy twice - once years ago when she wanted it but he 'didn't think anything was wrong and just went to make her happy' and again at the end when she was leaving and he was finally able to hear what she had been saying. What one man does is not representative of all men. The same is true for women. There are some patterns, and we all, every single one of us, could be more aware, more empathic, more curious about what is happening inside of the people we care about.

[@emanuelandrade2779]

"something deeply concerning about how women view relationships"

[@emanuelandrade2779]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I have no dogs in this fight, but Don is not necessarily projecting his partner's behavior, he just used the same generalization your guest used on the video to make his point!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

@@emanuelandrade2779 fair point! In this conversation we did use many sweeping generalizations about women which, in retrospect, definitely invited generalizations in response. It's been fascinating recently - I've been making some videos about what's happening for women and others about what's happening for men, and it is easy to get caught speaking or thinking as though the experience of one man or woman represents all men and women. I can see how so many men end up writing off women entirely, and how many women end up writing off men. I think from my end this is a good reminder to be careful with language and avoid falling prey to generalizations myself. Thanks for the reminder!

[@kevincrittenden6501]

The way these 2 don’t even see how dispicable all the behavior they are explaining is. Unreal!

[@monkeyboyalcoholic]

"You hit the nail on the head. Too many women do not take the marriage commitment seriously." Guess I wasn't ready for this video. I've been on a youtube video tear ever since my separation, soon to be divorce. It's interesting how often they explain that dumping responsibility for one's internal happiness and self esteem on a partner is a sign of a toxic relationship; Yet it seems so commonplace in the thinking of women. They aren't pointing to any actual wrongdoing, they are blowing up their families over their own neurotic bullshit. When I was younger, I remember that there were women who would push back, basically say WTF? I don't hear those ladies anymore. For my part, I'm coming around to one of the waves feminism; the one that used to point out that marriage is an obsolete, outdated concept. You can't own a women, why would you even want to? If you are a Man, You're on your Own in this world, whether you are married or not.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I don't want to agree with you... but unfortunately in many ways I do. There is a lot of hypocrisy in much of the personal development work going on for women. Behavior they might consider toxic in men is often considered legitmate or 'meeting my needs' when a woman does it. I am hopeful that there are many people pushing for greater honesty, openness and personal responsibility on both sides of the gender divide. I do disagree that men have to be on their own in the world. There are people out there, both men and women, who are willing to do the hard work of self reflection and self inquiry. I wish you the best during this difficult time. There are good people out there doing the hard work, on all sides.

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

this is addressed to all the men that had the same experience as i’m going through. research parasitic covert narcissism. my wife checked most of the boxes & now i’m moving on. i don’t intend to ever look back.

[@fjschneider]

YUP. Learning their true colors is probably the only way to truly pull out the heart strings and move on in peace.

[@MegaNugent]

We were married to a Lie

[@easlern]

Bro this woman comparing herself to a rat in a glue trap? A rat does not look at the trap, understand what it is, and say “yes” and “I do” and purposely step into it

[@assketchum5266]

Truth! 👏👏👏

[@sstevo4066]

I"m going to finish this at some point...But i'm only 8 minutes in and I already want to vomit. So our marriages with women we loved more than this world, women that we were good to, families that we built are over because they didn't copmmunicate their needs or desires. I wasn't perfect but I did everything that she ever asked from me. When she left she got so cold when the day before she was telling me how great I was and we slept together (literally 12 hours before she packed her bags and discarded me)...This is going to be a tough watch...

[@Shawn-zt3gv]

I hope any guy who wants to get married listens to this before hand. And just don't do it. This was very tough to listen to realizing how women operate and how they can justify their behaviors. It just doesn't make sense to me

[@erin_with_the_e]

I hate to say this but if I am living in reality especially in 2023. Marriage does mean anything anymore. The vows women take can’t mean anything because as soon as things are not perfect they want out. This is not me talking, this is the divorce statistics. I recently got divorced. It is all about the woman’s “self care” forget about the kids feelings. In many of these conversations they talk as if the woman is being held in a dungeon meanwhile the kids are in private school and the house is $500k to $1 million, vacations, eating out and a maid. Their lives are so hard. But I could be wrong 🤷🏾‍♂️

[@t-pain3343]

They get bored and bounce. Highest divorce rate is lesbians. It’s never enough for them.

[@fjschneider]

Yup. Enough said.

[@thewhiskeyranch]

Honestly I DO NOT think this is fair... I know if I knew my ex wife was in pain - Id jump to save her. BECAUSE I loved her more then anything in this world. Thats why I made the vow = Until death do Us Part! Now I have to hear women does what ever they feel makes them happy? MY GOD ! Id never thought this is a excuse to be used to break hearts and justify the pain. I say this again ! I will and would of done everything in my power to see my wife smile and be happy,,, because I loved her. And valued her. And denying the growth of growing parallel to the relationship is EXTREMELY selfish from her to NOT willing to do THE WORK ! now its seen as empowering to become this NEW person for a NEW person after the women filed the divorce in pursuit of her own reclaimed justice for happiness ... Now I as a hurt man has to be _ OKAY , sure go do the work become that person for the real man I wasnt for you. THAT hurts! And evening saying this brings be pain ! I was not the man she wanted... My GOD - What have I done. And after hearing this interview - All i am hearing is my ex wife was a victim of neglect And I as a souless man with no feelings deserved to feel alone. Confused and ashamed to be a MAN. Because men has become the problem and women has all the rites to make men feel they belong in the dirt,, either crawling or dead,,, THANK goodness for the women MEN kill them selves because it is easy to ovoid yet again responsibility for the broken heart. I know I sound bitter,,, I am ,,, and I am hurt and dealing with this shamfull thoughts on my own because I am a man, And All I ever wanted was to be loved as a man, to be allowed to serve my wife as her husband to bring health , happiness and peace to her life that I AM Sharing... HOW would I ever EVER EVER know that I am ever loved by a person that has been programed to have one foot out the door? I didnt want to feel this way... nor live my life out , feeling this way. With the brutal truth that I am a MAN ( A PIG in the eyes of women). Why is it noble that women needs this , hurt and heal to become this beautiful butterfly for a damaged man passed 40 years of age ??? And if a man Has to go through a life time with a burn would that left scares on his soul but is better he has to settle with what is given to him as 2de prize or a prize as you took part in life and here is something for your effort, but you are still a loser.... Congratz

[@ShaunyP26]

Tell me you cheated on your husband and got dumped by the AP without telling me you cheated on your husband and got dumped by the AP.

[@perryhopkins3195]

You're on an online dating site.

[@timnichols7760]

I got a divorce a little over 4 years ago. It was a 25 year marriage in which she cheated multiple times before I found out. After being with the same woman for that long I knew that my emotions were all over the place and began to REALLY deep dive into figuring out who I had been, and who I wanted to become. I've spent thousands of hours discovering the responsibilities of men in their relationship, their jobs, in their community, and their lives in general. I've spent about as many hours working on building a resilient and bomb proof self worth, self confidence, and self control. Thankfully, there's a TON of good information out there on building resilience. Through self talk, meditation, manifesting, affirmations, etc. It is extremely important to study women, to understand their physical AND emotional needs, to understand their love language, AND to understand the man's role and responsibility in the relationship. THEN, we must select the right person!!! It's imperative to find an emotionally healthy mate with strong/ healthy values. Compatibility is key!!!! Men, do the work on yourselves. Become indestructible!! Become what you want to attract!! You CAN become so strong that your identity, your happiness, and your emotional health will never be able to be taken from you again!! I am remarried, now. I'm happier than ever. I understand my role as a man. I understand that my wife will ALWAYS need to be courted and dated. I understand her love language. She's 100 times the woman that cheated on me, in every aspect. I make sure that she feels heard and understood. And, I'm so happy with myself now, that if she ever does decide that she wants to leave... I'll be just fine!! 😊 Yes, it is possible!!

[@WhiteGhost21]

i regret neglecting mine's love languages and not acting like they mattered. it all adds up in the end.

[@safethamzagic7226]

I’m scared to get married. I’ve seen what happens to man after divorce. Family members and friends.

[@michaelwhite6614]

DO NOT GET MARRIED MY FRIEND. AND ONLY EVER RENT A HOUSE/UNIT WITH A WOMAN.

[@bruceryba5740]

Absolutely get married. The upside is growing as a man and father. A prenup is best and consider we are probably heading to seven year contract marriages. Do your best as a husband, with the full knowledge that your partner "May be dying inside'. There is no solution except a lot of uncomfortable talking. On another channel one of the confused ladies made the comment "that as a twenty year old, signing a lifetime contract, they did not really understand what they were signing up for." That sort of made sense except when children are involved. Plus, my wife divorced me, for no reason out of the blue, & when I told a Christian co-worker what happened, he said "We are all flawed." The answer shocked me, but then it makes sense, humans are flawed creatures, both men and women are flawed. --So Go forth, get married, love, do your best, and keep in shape to replace her when the time comes that she is confused and needs to move on. Is she going to hurt the children--yes. (been there) If she hurts you, well toughen up, humans are evolved as survivors and in the past, child-birthing issues meant you were upgrading anyway. After reading some of the comments: don't put up her bullying in order for her finally agree to bi-annual sex if she is going to drop the big Divorce on you anyway.. Something else, all marriages face is the mismatched sex drive. It is going to be fantastic for for the first two years and good for the next five. Then Okay till menopause. Then...... But for a laugh, consider the divorced ladies are then going to get remarried and have to "Put up" with the two year fantastic period newly wed phase, when their bodies are actually craving the "Okay, I will do it if I have to," phase. Funny unless you are the dude. Anyway love as hard as you can and stay in shape for that day when she is dying inside again.

[@markcollins1012]

I think that men who watch your videos will inevitably be in some form of pain, because we are looking for answers. If women don’t communicate and shut down when things get hard, then what hope was there ever to have success in marriage to begin with? It’s almost like the expectations and responsibilities that come with marriage are too much for most women. If it is ‘too late’ to go to therapy, then the problem is you because you closed him off and quit selfishly rather than be honest about your feelings and needs while still married. If it was all about your needs and your survival then you devalued the greater good of the family. Self-care shouldn't start when you get divorced. It should have been there all along. And all you end up doing is modeling for children that they too can quit when life gets hard. I’m not the most religious person, but I see walking away from marriage when there is work left on the table as sinful. You created trauma for the children and for him. Divorce is an official adverse childhood experience. It is cold and selfish and lacks in accountability. You should be ashamed, or at least feel guilty. Shame and guilt point us to our value system and who we want to be. I’m not an engineer. I’m a social worker who understands human connection, emotions and the need for validation. And what I see in modern women is selfishness and a lack of self-awareness. Many of them think they are more vulnerable and emotionally intelligent then they actually are. If you walk away from your spouse and family because you couldn't manage your own self-care and feelings, then the problem was you all along, and you should feel bad about that. Your ex and your children have to carry the emotional burden that your lack of self-care and boundaries caused for the rest of their lives.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Please don’t think closing off is always due to selfishness. It could be constant consideration (maybe the spouse is depressed and needs lots of wind down time) or obedient (maybe they never seem to want to talk, or they are verbally aggressive). There are always many other factors in play, but it is difficult to think that way, it is a lot of work on the brain. Being in social work I am sure you are well aware! People are hard!

[@cantdrive-simracing7567]

Men are asked to get married and make the life long commitment, women then get bored and leave with the reality of what they wanted. Regardless of if a married couple have issues they should work through them for life, divorce shouldn't be an option but i've seen the reality. I feel like im done with women all together.

[@carlmarch9591]

💯💯💯💯

[@767dag]

they are the biggest hypocrite’s in hiding the truth until she tells her husband, all the time criticizing him internally and outwardly about his faults…

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You're right, the action is very hypocritical. At a certain stage in the healing process there is value in trying to understand why someone would behave in such ways. However, now is likely not that time for you. If you've been badly hurt by your ex, then this is not the time to try to understand her position. It is a time to focus on YOU. What you need, your healing, your mental and emotional health, your relationship with yourself.

[@767dag]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach yeah 100%

[@chrisomalley1105]

Two different languages? Wow... What? Just more DARVO! The woman certainly spoke the same language to get married and have a family!! And how many millions of " little things" are men trained/ forced and raised to just accept because he's the rock, and to keep her " happy".

[@patrickoshaughnessy5097]

Christina should just wear a t-shirt that says women are not responsible, divorce is men's fault because they didn't read her mind. This video is just about women justifying cheating and divorcing and blaming men for their lack of happiness. Men are not responsible for women's happiness. The lack of accountability from these divorcing women needs to be addressed not stepped around.

[@melkerner]

They pat each other on the back for it, and expect Men to just accept it and all the responsibility

[@melkerner]

She's dying inside over it - so much so that she hasn't kissed, touched or had sex in 15 years - yeah, she's really tore up. Dying inside because NOW everyone sees the situation and she has to accept he won't be her asexual ATM any longer. And the supposed Wife role you describe is simply Women refusing to accept their feminine, and battling constantly with their masculine instead of actually being a Wife. This is a societal and mental issue that Women propagate and encourage each other to simply be / act incompatible with what makes marriage work, Complete and total lack of accountability - every excuse in the book, while men are just told they have to put more effort to understand their spouse from HER perspective, Women en-mass are going to find themselves very alone because quite simply men are tired of the mental and emotional gymnastics that today's Western Women demand.

[@jonathanmurray4325]

Men try to fix things because they care. It is an act of love as helping someone in need is. Perhaps if women want someone to just listen it is their responsibility to just say that. And maybe your husband isn't the only person you should have in your life to meet those needs. Instead if divorce, how about finding a friend or therapist to help you feel listened to? Husbands can listen too, but he can't be expected to "complete you" and all that unrealistic nonsense. Instead of keeping score to all the ways their husband's have failed them, women need to be help accountable to helping solve their own problems. It seems like some therapists/coaches/content creators just feed off these kinds of toxic ideas about unrealistic marriages. Marriage is about way more than your feelings. Love is a choice.

[@hieug.rection1920]

If women would just say “I need help with this… during this timeframe. ” most men would jump to it.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm with you 100%. Unfortunately you're right that a lot of content out there and even therapists encourage women to be dependent on others (namely men) for their emotional well being instead of supporting them in taking ownership of their thoughts and feelings.

[@jimigreenwood950]

If this video is upsetting you, watch more of Rachel’s videos she provided tools and most of her videos are very helpful. We don’t have to understand her. We should strive to grow. After 27 years came home from work and she was gone. Of course she is also hurting. She’s no longer my concern, I have to work on myself to move on. No choice but to move on and grow or live a life of depression and anger.

[@weston0614]

Wish I was as strong as you sound! 🫣Going through it now and it’s painful. Getting easier every day though.

[@sstevo4066]

This is true. I'm glad I didn't watch this video until 16 months after my separation because if I seen this back then I would not be ok, even now it's not easy. Rachel has so many amazing videos here, I hope that everyone finds them before this one.

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

the reason she’s dying inside is caused by her own hand

[@anthonyharmon9265]

So true....but she will blame the man

[@fjschneider]

Yup. And a man who loves still struggles with thoughts of how to make her not hurt. But she is gone and she CHOSE this.

[@bensnooks4830]

What confuses me is when a woman wants a man to sit and feel emotions and a man wants to solve a problem and move on why we say the man always has to try and do what the woman wants. My partner tells me she just wants me there when she’s down. To be honest I have no idea what that even means. I don’t think anyone has ever been there when I’m down really. For me to resolve feeling down then I need to kind of gather my thoughts, figure out why I’m feeling down and put a plan in place to move on. I work out how to replace the negative situation with a better one. Where do I start?

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

This is a great question. I'll try to help. To start, this isn't a question of doing what the man wants or what the woman wants. It isn't a competition where one person wins and the other loses. It's about understanding what your partner hears and experiences when you talk. Most of us learn pretty early in life to identify with our emotions - it's built into our language. We say things like, "I AM sad" or "I AM angry". This is not actually true... I feel angry, anger isn't the core of who I am. But our language doesn't reflect that, and often it feels like the anger or grief does define me. If I am identifying with my emotions and someone I love tells me not feel sad, or not to be angry, or tries to fix it for me, the message that I may receive is that my emotions are not okay... if I'm identified with the emotion, that means I'm not okay. You don't love me or want me as I am, you're asking me to change to be worthy of your attention, affection or care. Now, obviously, this is NOT the message you are hoping to communicate. In trying to fix the negative feeling for your partner you're loving her - you want her to feel good and you're willing to help! Each of us has to learn to move through painful feelings in our own way and in our own time. You have a method that works for you. You are welcome to share that with her, but she may choose to work with her feelings in a different way. That's okay. She gets to choose that. If she's asking you to be with her when she's down, you can do this: Sit with her. Touch her or ask her if she'd like a hug or to cuddle. She might, and she might now. Tell her, "I see that you're hurting/sad/unhappy right now. That's okay. I still love you/care about you. I'm here if you want to talk, and if you don't, that's okay too." And then just be there. Slow down. Notice what comes up inside of you in response to her suffering. Do you feel pain? Discomfort? Anxiety? Often we try to 'fix' what the other person feels because we don't like how it makes US feel... so practice sitting with your own emotions, allowing them to be there and not trying to fix them. See what happens. The body knows how to move through emotions and rebalance the nervous system. Usually we don't let it - we get busy trying to 'fix' ourselves and end up stifling or bottling in pain, which then comes out in unhealthy ways later on. It's fascinating to watch what happens when we sit in discomfort without trying to fix it... it moves, it changes and eventually it passes, leaving us in a much calmer and more balanced state than we could have achieved trying to 'solve' the emotion on our own.

[@bensnooks4830]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank you

[@Bewoulf1223]

​@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach well said, thank you for your content and helping men heal post-divorce.

[@horizonofj362]

Accountability is a woman's kryptonite. Women enter a relationship as they enter a business transaction - they "feel" to be entitled, that they can gain stability, security, social and economic safety - it is not about the man that provides, it is about them - what they gain by it. It is an outlier of hypergamy/biologically ingrained female preference, to "one up" a man, to find a better one at her disposal. As soon as she feels you are not enough, she replaces you, regardless of what you provided/achieved/contributed/created. A man will sacrifice his happiness for his family. A woman will sacrifice her family for her happiness.

[@chrisdob1980]

I love your videos , my ex filled for the divorce, I didn't cheat on her, I was not violent with her, I was broke, and that's why she filled for our divorce, and even so, she makes me crazy every day, she began a new relation first than me and even so, she is jealous now that I began a new relation. its not fair!

[@plahoda9242]

So woman ruin a man’s and their life because of a miscommunication and internal emotions known only to themselves? This sounds like hysteria. I understand the logic behind this for a woman, but as this being the reason is beyond profane. Men have the ability to forgive and move on, where as woman never forget and hold onto situations back to the start of their relationship, even if they said I forgive you, they never really do. Please understand, I’m not talking about abuse or other illegal situations. Men will do many many things to try and fix the situation if they know what it is, even at a detriment to themselves. Men are able to sacrifice so much for the unit. If a partner became upset, depressed, if you sat with them, they would say “I want to be alone”, if you left them alone, they would be upset that you weren’t there. This again falls under hysterics. So much of this video shows woman are walking contradictions, from a man’s point of view. Do you ever try to work out the problem to get the woman back with their partners, or do you continue to promote the divorce? I would hope that before a woman separates from their men and file for divorce, they have sought some sort of physiological support to try and work through the problem since it’s inside themselves. If they do not work through their emotions, are they not able to fall into this emotional trap again with another partner? and you just said the second marriage is more likely to end in divorce. So again if you have someone who is broke inside from a route cause inside themselves, but you only focus on the divorce, you are not truly helping that person get better for themselves. It’s like using a pillar to hold a beam that’s been damaged, and move that same damaged pillar to hold up another beam. It can’t be done. PS I’m an engineer, and just analyzing this video. Thank you for the insight.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Thank you for watching and taking the time to write a thoughtful comment. I agree with a lot of the things you are saying - when the root of a problem is internal, changing the external circumstances is not going to fix it. There are a couple of other factors I'd invite you to consider. People get caught in cycles in their relationships. We tend to be attracted to relationships that feel similar to our early childhood experiences, because the human brain equates familiarity with safety. Unfortunately in the modern society we live in most children's emotional needs are not met in early childhood. Then, as adults, we find ourselves attracted to relationships where those needs are not met in similar ways. This is one reason why divorce can actually help some people, men and women, to feel better. For some people the intense pain of losing a primary relationship pushes them to try to understand why they were attracted to that relationship in the first place. In the process they may identify the unmet needs and dysfunctional attachment patterns they are carrying from childhood and do the necessary work to heal those wounds. In this case the damaged pillar couldn't be repaired until it was no longer supporting the weight of the beam. If it is removed from that position and enough time and work is done on the pillar it could be quite capable of supporting a beam (different or the same one) in the future. You ask a great question, and honestly the answer for me is that I really don't work much with women anymore. When I do (or have in the past) it is usually much earlier in the relationship when they are trying to figure out how to save it. I've seen women go to pretty remarkable lengths to try to stay in relationships. I've seen them succeed and I've seen them fail. When they succeed it is usually for three reasons, and if they fail it is usually because at least one of these factors isn't present: 1. They gain an understanding of their own relational wounds from childhood and do the work to heal those injuries 2. They gain an understanding of their spouse's wounds and how that impacts his thoughts, feelings and behaviors. 3. Her spouse ALSO does the hard and painful work to understand himself and his wife through this lens. I worry a little for you and for the many men like you who tell me in these comments that women are walking contradictions or 'hysterical'. If you fight for that perspective, women are going to remain confusing, mysterious and inferior in your mind. Without respect and understanding you don't have love, just affection and care.

[@plahoda9242]

I have the upmost respect for woman. The hysteric comment comes from watching this video and listening to how she is describing woman’s emotions. Woman are more emotional but not misunderstood, at least from my perspective. I am patient and my partner understands who I am and my reactions. I also understand her but even in our communication she will say, I don’t want you to fix this, just listen because it was a tough day… or she will say, I’m stuck what’s your opinion, or how would you fix this. This puts me on notice that I just have to support her, hug her and say ok, or listen and give my thoughts on the situation that maybe she didn’t think of yet. An outsiders point of view. The video is full of contradictions related to woman. Confusing the situation more and blaming the uncontrolled emotions/ outbursts by woman, in my point of view. That is where I said hysteria, contradictions related to woman by her example. If women feel backed into a corner or men feel like they walk on eggshells, they must approach a family councillor psychologist and bring these route causes or relationship problems to light and work through it. From a man’s point of view, once it’s forgiven, it’s over, there is more to do, more to focus on. Men don’t generally dwell on emotions after a make up occurs, it’s generally a closed book at that point and able to move forward freely without this book being reviewed or re opened. Where woman will go back to this book though it’s closed and open it again and again feeling the pain over again. This is the problem that needs to be addressed and “fixed” for women, is being able to let go and keep the book closed. Thank you again for your response.

[@MrCatchmy600rr]

Watching this video is sort of crazy to me. These women have such a good understanding of what and why divorce happens. However, even with the tools and knowledge they have, they choose to focus on "self healing", that is not really self-healing at all, but accepting singleness and or moving on. For families especially, but even with putting that aside, for the individual overcoming the obstacles that brings a marriage to this point. The best possible outcome for all involved with any obstacle is to overcome that "obstacles" and bringing it to a point of a non-issue. This thought should always be on the table and never forgotten or pushed into the background.

[@johnryan3374]

If you have children, you owe it to them to try and work things out. Getting upset, not communicating with your husband and running away from the marriage without honestly trying to fix these issues is so harmful to the kids and your husband. It's selfish and leads to misery for the entire family.

[@danielramsey]

Absolutely no shame.

[@abdoulayeadam5622]

Nobody is stress free in relationships and that’s the reality of life

[@CM-rm3xj]

My wife completely gave up less than 10 months into our marriage, and filed just over a year after. Her demands are preposterous on both childcare and finances, I don't think she feels any shame or regret whatsoever. The marriage was merely a conduit to get what she wanted.

[@anthonyharmon9265]

Same here...mine used me for 15 years...she stayed home and homeschooled our sons, I paid for everything. She took my sons away, had me arrested, humiliated in court, accused as an abuser, made homeless and now wants $2200 a month. At some point I will have my lawyer fix that.And she continues to try and destroy me....there is zero care or shame. Pure evil..

[@Coachchioma]

Mine is the reverse

[@maurotolari9215]

This woman just waffled on and gave out a lot of disinformation for male consumption to alleviate womens guilt .The truth is once she leaves she is as happy as larry. She speaks in such glowing terms of her second husband .I wonder how long before she gets sick of him and starts to" die inside" According to statistics it has only 25% chance of success. Women are capable of communicating and expressing their feelings when they want to get married but hide their intentions and feelings when they want to leave.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

If you really believe any woman makes the decision to leave a marraige and is simply 'happy as larry' as soon as she does it, then you have a woefully low regard for women as human beings. This is a big issue in many relationships - if you see your partner as less human than you, there is going to be a massive void of respect, compassion and empathy in your relationships and they will likely not succeed.

[@melkerner]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Or he has seen himself and friends be put through the wringer by Women - you know the ones you make bullsh*t excuses for instead of addressing their culpability and accountability. Women need to step up and stop emasculating men and expecting them to be and relate like Women.

[@jamesbrantley8105]

​@RachaelSloanRelatGas lightionshipCoach

[@kellymilton943]

Exactly what my ex-wife did.

[@5280CinemaGroupTv]

Why did she leave out how many of these women were in this black hole and made this decision while still in the marriage already had somebody lined up or were already fooling with someone else (talking Fantasizing Not always fkn but more than likely. Can you give us a percentage based off your expertise?

[@4EverEvolving1]

I've watched a lot of interviews on this topic. This interview by far gives so much insightful and helpful tips as to the so needed communication between a couple. Thank you both so very much for doing this interview. I believe most men and women should watch this interview. The dialogue here has been more than helpful after watching hours upon hours of many other interviews in the area of "where did we go wrong". In this interview the two of you did shed so much light on to what the communication issues are and the two separate viewpoints of before & after divorce from both sides (men and women). Thank you so much! It really helped me understand where I went wrong and how I need to be in the "feeling/understand" of her pain and the safety that by doing just that would bring to her. I'm so lucky to have found this interview. Thank you both again for all of your dedication and time in the work that you are doing. It is making a difference. 🙏

[@slycescott]

My failed marriage would be from as I called it Death By A Thousand Cuts, I went through a phase of chronic pain and I physically and emotionally rejected my wife for a spell and she said that was the main reason she left she has crippling rejection issues that she never acknowledged internally and her reason for not speaking up is effectively as she should have is cuz she asserted that she was emotionally neglected as a child and wasn't allowed to speak her mind and she carried that through into adulthood and stored everything inside of herself for 40 years and then the emotional Mount Saint Helens blue October of 22 and that's when I was told that I'm not loved anymore. So I can say is if you're in a relationship with somebody you've got to find a way to communicate because not communicating anything that is seriously bothering yours, will turn into an emotional cancer that spreads and if it gets unacknowledged for too long it will destroy the marriage.

[@tayo778911]

My only question is, if marriage has no sanctity, then what's the point of marrying, or remarrying for that matter?

[@bobathefett1985]

This video has been a source of comfort for me as I navigate the end of my 21-year marriage with my high school sweetheart. It's incredible how communication plays a crucial role in why women may feel trapped in a marriage. While it may be difficult to understand their emotions, it's important to try and be present for them. This experience has taught me how essential it is to acknowledge and feel our emotions, something that is often overlooked in our society. Despite the pain of divorce, I am hopeful that by learning from this experience, we can all grow and become better versions of ourselves.

[@kellymilton943]

I've learned a lot about women over the past year or so. I tried to get my ex-wife to better understand how this affects men, but she refused to watch anything I recommend to help her understand what I was going through as a man.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Kelly, we can always offer our partners information, but unfortunately we can't make them accept it. It is possible that she didn't feel understood, and wanted you to understand her first... often couples struggle because both partners feel misunderstood, and both want the other person to see and hear them FIRST. If no one fully commits to doing so, resentment builds. However, it may also be that she wasn't in a place where she was ready to do the difficult inner work of examining and taking responsibilty for her thoughts, feelings or actions. The more important question is, are you ready to do that work? Regardless of her actions or choices, there is going to be healing to do within yourself. That relationship, the one between you and your brain (and also the one between you and your emotions) is by far the most important one. When it is healthy, you'll find yourself drawn to different kinds of romantic partners and able to navigate these misunderstandings without anxiety, resentment or anger.

[@jbouse64]

What's the old saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. However it can drown.

[@jamesbrantley8105]

N​@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachGas lighting

[@dmnspd]

It’s called Walkaway Wife Syndrome.

[@t-pain3343]

Happened to me

[@melkerner]

It's better to call it the "Disposable Husband Habit" - Western Women support each other and avoid ANY accountability while men are simply thrown away once she gets what she want put of the situation. At this point, I doubt Women are actually capable of real true love for anyone except themselves or maybe their kids (to a certain point)

[@ted2136]

31:39 how can you do the work if you dont kniw why she wanted to leave? 1.Love you but not in love with you 2. Want my own house 3. Want to feel young again 4. Want to be free 5. Want my own money. Re no.4 i was not controlling. I do admit i had my faults but how do you work out what they are?

[@gglehteswhtemnAdChrstns]

I’m sorry but as a man and hearing how a woman “is dying inside” yet she still gravitates towards divorce as her only option, comes across as deliberate stereotyped subconscious female behaviour that she is trying to be a victim to gain attention within her social group.

[@melkerner]

Anything to avoid accountability and that emotional vulnerability that she avoids.

[@skaziblu]

It's like a light switch, it's traumatizing. Literally after the words are said she goes 180

[@mansourzanaty691]

I found so many of the comments on this video more informative and telling than the video itself. Thanks to all who shared thier stories in here to help other fellow men.

[@Ariel-sv9de]

So let me get this straight. You love a woman, protect the woman, care for the woman but she is sad anyways and blames you for her being sad? I swear women have the devil inside of them. God almighty loved Lucifer and blessed him with everything he had and Lucifer was unhappy and left God. It's the hell inside of a woman that destroys marriage love. Don't listen to this mumbo jumbo "my sad feelings" lies. A faithful woman would battle the devil inside of her and win and keep her marriage and family.

[@bradanderson4202]

Thank you fr bringing up the spiritual part of the subject

[@Dehmigaahd]

The fundamental problem with these supposed insights is that they expect men to be the equivalent of women’s girlfriends. Much of this sounds as though there are other aspects of many women’s social lives that are underdeveloped, and because of this, the expect men to be able to behave as women. The guest also mentions communication numerous times, but fails to demonstrate even once what communication issues exist. One thing that should be noted is that often women do not express their needs or desires and in keeping to themselves have assured a rift. Placing the onus on men to understand things that have not been said and then also to just listen while not being allowed to solve problems as we are inclined really leaves everyone helpless. Halfway through this interview, I couldn’t be more disappointed and frustrated.

[@VanlifeNoonan77]

my divorced single mother of 4 years of being together dumped me by a single text message. what a great woman

[@StradTrumpeter]

The problem isn’t that men and women communicate or experience emotions differently. Hell, that’s a feature of the sex differences not a bug. Trying to get men or women to change is a Sisyphean task that generally does nothing but cause suffering. Instead, both men and women would do better to find appropriate outlets for their needs. Your spouse isn’t your therapist and a woman bringing some problem to her logically-minded engineer husband and expecting him to sit there and feel the feels without offering solutions is potentially abusive and is definitely insane wishful thinking. Instead, women should go to other women when they want to experience a feels session or whatever you want to call it. Just like men should go to their own tribe of men when they want a masculine approach to an issue they’re having. Your spouse can’t be all things to you and they shouldn’t try. Therapist is perhaps the role that your spouse is least suited for in most situations. In short: Quit trying to square this circle, especially when dealing with a couple that’s already married.

[@chrismoore9997]

People that use the word, deconstruct, don't deserve to have a life or be listened to by anyone.

[@drumsnbass]

After putting up with my ex-wife’s bad behavior in the past, she wanted a divorce a few years ago. Does she feel ashamed? I don’t know. I hope so, but probably not as I recently heard she was blaming me for the divorce. Does she feel any pain or remorse? I hope she feels it for the rest of her life if she does.

[@luisnunes5274]

This happened with our relationship,for 15 years I would always ask if everything was ok or she felt something was wrong... Even though I wanted her opinion and choices to be put forward she thought that letting me choose everything and not expressing herself would make me happier so I wouldn't leave. It's just so backwards thinking, specially when your husband listens to you and ask you to express your wishes. Honestly I see it as breaking lives because of a few simple words not being said.

[@gravisan]

As a 38 year old, married for 4 years, I filed for divorce last year over a false DV allegation and having my kids essentially abducted. I am not part of the statistic of who initiates first, so I feel a sense of shame about doing that to my own family. We reconciled, but I echo with the idea that my spouse has checked out and is working on herself. I think she is very far ahead of me and probably planned for all of the contingencies. I feel terribly isolated because no longer are we a team planning for the future, we are two seperate people preparing for life afterwards. I know I'm constantly scared of the financial impact, and making sure I create a tracable record (photos / doctors appointment / daycare pickup) of the time I spend with my kids. I love my kids, but as a man, I'll need to prove it. I've asked her to let me go, but she won't. Maybe a question here, is it possible that she will ever turn off that switch?

[@Coachchioma]

Yupp

[@stanmoney8470]

If she feels awful! Then why the hell did she do it🤷🏿‍♂️. Oh to please her girlfriends! To show them how she doesn't need him . That's sickness! 👎🏿 Especially if he tells her ,I don't think this is the answer to our problems! I don't want this! She does it anyway!

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I think it's usually a lot more complicated than this. Both men and women tend to come into relationships with preconcieved notions about the roles they are supposed to play. If there is conflict, a lack of safety or emotional disconnection in the relationship those roles can easily become heavy burdens for either party, and that often leads to divorce. The tragic part is that the role you or she played was likely not what the other one really wanted or needed from you, but rather just the deeply ingrained societal story about who you are supposed to be as a husband or wife.

[@zoopfvisualeffects4721]

You know what's crazy? We know women file 70% of the divorces in straight marriages and about 80% of the divorces in Lesbian marriages for all the same reasons they state in the divorce between men and women. Although I believe it takes two to tango always to keep it fair, but at this point, I put a heavy weight on women today to figure out why they're never happy and it's never enough for them as it sounds to me the problem no longer fall nor can it be blamed all on men. Men always get blamed for everything and equally get screwed in the court system. But, the light has been shed among lesbian marriages falling apart higher than straight marriages for all the same reasons women in straight marriage complain about. And now, I say, yes, men can be horrible, but a high majority aren't as we are designed to provide and protect, and as such, I dont think it is no longer men's problem especially if that man did everything to make his wife happy and she still filed for divorce because she needed to go find herself and destroyed years of a good marriage because it is never enough for a woman to be happy. And, it is the husband and children who suffer for it in silence. In the end, it isn't happy wife, happy life. It is and always has been - happy husband and wife, happy life. Both have to continuously have to work hard to make each other happy but also continuously work on themselves to make themsleves happy with the support of their spouse. It is an incredible juggle act, especially now if having kids and also ensuring the kids' needs are also taken care of. So, why do marriage fail? The simple answer is this: "People are only in love with idea of words and never truly understand their true meaning." It is only when we truly begin to understand their meaning do we ask ourselves if we are truly ready for that journey emotionally, mentally, physically, and professionally. Hence, why some win at life and some lose at it. Men are logical creatures and women are emotional creatures. How do we marry the two? "Know thyself." Relationships should always be experienced emotionally, but problems and the way to evolve through the intrecacies of that relationship should always come from a place of logic from both parties. Although it isn't always easy to do, it is a good place to start with.

[@joyfultrails]

It's never "too late" to keep the promises you made...to live up to your vows. For better or worse. Till death do us part. There's nothing in the wedding vows about "my happiness" or "finding oneself."

[@benrodriguez3668]

I have mixed feelings on this video. You're describing how my family ended. But all too often, the focus and sympathy is on the women. Many men are good men, good fathers and divorces are much more initiated by women. Judges, counselors, all already focus on the female. And the opposite of the male, regardless of the situation. Please understand that how men think and their needs being met is just as important but not treated that way. I love your recommendation, "it's about communication"... Spot on. But that requires a deep level trust. Too often women say "please communicate" and when men (who have been told not to communicate feelings and weakness all our lives) communicate, it's met with disdain, causing even more disconnect. My situation and what I've heard from other men indicate that women are walking much more because their needs aren't being met. But nobody ever asks if she's meeting the needs of her husband. Did she emotionally support him? Most times that doesn't even come up because society deems it irrelevant. Just my take.

[@sk1nhead23]

Mine gave up after 11 years together and a week before our 10 year marriage. I felt the distance but i was still blind sited.. no cheating I’m aware of But that she just just gave up and fell out of love.. the worst pain iv ever gone through in my entire life. If I didn’t have kids I don’t know what would happen.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have a good support system? The human nervous system does co-regulate, so having trusted people by your side can make a huge difference for dealing with the pain. I also made a free masterclass that gives more tools than I can share in these shorter videos. If you want to check it out, I think it may help. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register

[@robsmith8933]

Had to shut this off. Christina is all wrong. Women who are not happy with themselves will never be happy in a marriage no matter how great the guy is. If the man is highly competent and knows how to lead and is always looking out for the best interest of his wife, it is not on the man that his wife is a self loathing fool who sabotages her relationships. My wife leaving was the best thing for me because she was sucking the life out of me and all I needed to feel normal again was to get away from her. She took all the shame of divorce with her because I never gave up and I never quit. I simply gave her what she asked for by signing the papers quickly and without any drama. Now I’m thriving financially as I always have and she’s working two jobs just to survive. She is her own worse enemy.

[@melkerner]

EXACTLY - this is simply all horesh*t of Women counseling couples to have men be and communicate like Women. It doesn't work that way.

[@Livingthedream1225]

This is exactly the justification for women to never be happy. This woman will quit on her next marriage as well. Just give it some time and she will find a reason. She is promoting women to not talk about their issues with their spouse and leave them to find another spouse. The cycle will just repeat itself and she is crazy enough to think it will b eedifferent.

[@tracydubose265]

"backed into a corner" = not living in Disney

[@4152008085]

I feel differently from my experience. I don't think my ex feels any kind of shame or pain over this.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

It's possible. We spoke in big generalizations in this video, and many individual men and women are going to have different experiences. How are you doing now? Have you been able to move forward yourself?

[@brianoswald6970]

Yes my wife came to me 2 weeks ago wanting divorce. My failed marriage #2 😢 The 70 % is crazy. Women change their mind more than men wanting to go back during divorce proceedings?She didn't wanna put in the work on the relationship. 🤷‍♂️

[@bruceryba5740]

So my understanding, if I had sat down with my ex-wife and just sat there and sat there and she didn’t know what the problem was and I didn’t realize what the problem was. I thought we had a good marriage. What you’re saying is that solved the problem? And then I wouldn’t have got kicked out of the house for no reason and watched my three children crying when there was no reason that would’ve solved everything. I’m not really buying that story or rather you two didn’t express it well enough other than you’re dying inside

[@THECONTROVERSIALCYCLIST]

The best men can do is stop listerning all the time to how complicated and special and emotional they are. Women are only happy when they are getting what they want. Communication can not be successful with someone who never knows what they want, changing their mind on a flip of a dime. Just try and be the best dad you can be for the situation you are in, and never be in your ex friend zone, or you will continue to be emotionally drained, your wallets already dry. This is a sisterhood video in my opinion.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

You have to be in the right mindset for this video, per her warning. This is interesting though, because it describes a lot of what I feel in day-to-day life. My mother in law said once my husband and I are almost switched, where I am more masculine and my husband is more feminine sometimes. So what does that mean? That I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife? That I am too selfish? That my husband is too selfish? That we communicate badly? It is across the board. At the end of the day divorce hurts everyone. And I think it hurts a lot. Just women and men are on different timelines for the overall experience and that makes it even harder

[@russellheyns1846]

I can say from my own experience that I was more selfish early on in our relationship. My wife was more codependent. We met at 17. Married at 25. She asked for a divorce at 44. I did not treat her nearly good enough in the early years. I had anger issues, and I broke up with her 4 times, last one at 27. She took me back. We had kids at 31. Had our 2nd child and bought our dream house at 34. Then things started to change. She found herself. Rose through the ranks of her corporate job. Started making a lot more money than me. I thought we were happy til she started to pull away. Lost interest in intimacy. Started saying I was emotionally abusive. Said I used to treat her better when we were younger. I kept asking her for dates or weekend getaways but she kept spending more time at work. She lost 35 lbs in about 9 months and then said she wanted off the rollercoaster. She reminds me more of myself when we were younger. Think she was just afraid to tell me that she lost attraction to me. I feel like I became the codependent. I lost my identity to be a family man. I thought that is what she wanted.

[@NickTerry]

It is interesting to compare the themes and personalities of these two women and who their message resonates with. If a coach mangled string theory into multidimensional woowoo to support the good advice about adapting to change I would dismiss the advice. I think most engineers would. The mature, rational response is to use the differences to get a better lens on how many women approach divorce. But honestly, it's tough to not want to dismiss the lot of them as a lost cause. It helps to remember that any belief that dismisses such a huge portion of the population is never going to work.

[@fearless7424]

I just got divorced and I think you’ve had a lot of good points. Think that’s what happened to our marriage died. I’ve learned a lot from it, but I don’t think I’ll ever do it again 18 years is enough.

[@hadiitiniguez2393]

Wow... I understand your perspective. I came to the conclusion to forget about everything and heal yourself and children. It's a shame to go through this.

[@user-kl9th4dm2y]

I figured all the anger, hate and cruelty that she switches into after she files is her way of justifying her decision and white knuckling through the process. If she lets up or softens toward her husband, she might start to regress and reconsider her decision. So, the more she can embrace this narrative of "he's the villain, I'm the victim" or he's the main problem in my life and If I don't rip the Band-Aid, I'll never be happy...etc. This does not suggest her husband wasn't unloving or even hurtful to her, but when we're hurt and making huge existential decisions, people will often exaggerate or having a strong negativity bias in order to feel justified and avoid any shame or guilt that may manifest. The same principle applies if she monkey-branches or rebounds for displacement (artificially feel the void). Again, there may be a genuine sentiment to be desired or validated, but emotionally, this is only another avoidant tactic to help distract them from the pain of their past and the fear of the future.

[@Rooteeta]

I am a woman, but identify myself so much with everything Rachel is saying about how men feel in a divorce. Same with many comments here and your comment... He was so awful to me after he left, I interpreted it just like you. He felt guilty starting a new relationship right away, that the only way to justify it was to blame me and be horrible to me.

[@John-ku5uu]

Healing from divorce? Why did she divorce?

[@maximuscomfort]

The comments are for me an abundance of information with real situations. I thank the video for that. Divorce damage for older children is so unfortunate.

[@humanistology]

Most women are so lost now, so removed from reality thanks to Social networking, Grass is Greener Syndrome👍

[@elwalker9034]

May want a woman when I want a woman, but better than that was having a wife. However, being the wiser man I have become, repeating anything close to a marriage episode is something I don't desire, or feel to be a smart path. A redo may work for some folk; I'm comfortable alone.

[@jasonporter2921]

There’s inner work that must be done to heal,unfortunately it comes when we are older,& it all comes down to trauma that has happened before you both actually met each other

[@2TROLL1]

When you're in love with a beautiful woman, 'never take your eyes off her, but never look to close'.😊

[@adbraham]

What “flips the switch” in 90% of cases, is the woman meets someone else, then that’s the husband’s fault to, because women typically refuse to be accountable for their actions.

[@jbouse64]

There is no excuse for a cheater stop.

[@jj3simpson]

The first 7:49 min. Is exactly what has happened to me recently. Thank you for discussing this as I was told by him that I’ve changed so much and obviously want this marriage to end. And it is due to the fact that I’ve been fighting an uphill battle for 4+ years- really more like 10… And something snapped in my this past Christmas and it has catapulted my decision that I cannot live this way.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I'm really sorry you've been living with that. I'm glad that Christina's story resonated and validated some of your experience. She is awesome, if you're looking for more support I would encourage you to contact her. Jentrey Rey is another coach who supports women in situations like yours, and she is fabulous. She runs a free facebook group here facebook.com/groups/1727330734440021 I hope you have some good support systems in place. If you don't please try reaching out to Christina or Jentrey, they are both really good and having a good support system makes a huge difference.

[@4ND1Y3P35]

It is all true but what if they do this when there are kids. It is not fair

[@hieug.rection1920]

It’s downright evil.

[@anthonyromagno2297]

Mine was an avoidant

[@Poipounda007]

What this sounds like to me is, women failed to communicate. And when they get to their tipping point, then its the man fault because she was lying the whole time! As a man, we are bad at reading her mind. Thats why god gave us a brain and mouth to communicate. Most men will do whatever it takes to help our wifes, all she had to do is communicate. I know, because this happened to me. Marriage of 20 years waisted!

[@DCrais]

Men sacrifice their happiness for their family. Women sacrifice their family for their happiness.

[@jameilsanders1492]

Why can’t the couple find solutions to help her feel less trapped and less alone and rebuild the marriage on a foundation that will enrich their lives and love instead of destroying it and the family? Men go through the same things and suffer in silence and yet if we did what women do and that’s check out and quit we are vilified.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

A lot of couples do exactly that. And you're right - men who check out and quit are vilified. Women who check out and quit are vilified too (just read some of the comments on my youtube videos! You'll learn that women are dishonest, monsters, incapable of love and all kinds of other forms of evil). The reality is that we are all human and we have to learn to relate to one another's humanity with respect, compassion and humility. Fortunately a lot of couples do manage to do this, and sadly many others don't start doing the inner work required to get there until after the divorce.

[@kellymilton943]

It doesn't have to be lonely for her. Maybe work on getting the two back together. I did nothing to push her away. She just became cold and did her own thing and wouldn't communicate with me.

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

same here.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

Hi Kelly, I agree. It doesn't have to be lonely for her. In some marriages the husband is detached emotionally and not able to be present with her, but often that isn't the case at all. Unfortunately the saying, 'hurt people hurt people' is very true. Her loneliness may be due to pain she experienced before she met you, which left her unable to express herself or open up emotionally. Relational trauma is sadly a fact of life for many people as children. How are you doing now? Do you have some good support in your life to help you move forward?

[@kellymilton943]

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach There were traumas in her life, and she told me those traumas after we were dating for a while. One trauma was a rape at age 13 by three male friends. She was adopted as a baby. She was emancipated at age 15. Worked as a stripper for a short time. I accepted these things and loved her anyway. I think these things came back when I did on my garage floor, was revived and recovered. After a year of recovery, she dropped the "bombshell" on me. She said she felt like a roommate and was empty inside. Gradually, over time, she had a laundry list of my deficiencies over the 23 years we were together etc......

[@christys.3912]

I think a huge issue is that people only "fix" issues short term. Ive heard from both men and women and experience this in my marriage... couples tend to only change behaviour for 2 weeks to month and things start to feel better so they fall back into their normal... and its a cycle. One gets upset, calls the problem out, action is taken... but it is only short term. Until it comes up again and again... and one or both get to the point they stop bringing it up because it seems to them the other doesnt care. But honestly people are just caught up in their own lives, and its hard to make long lasting changes. When things are ok, people revert to their bad behaviors.

[@MAJESTIC-SU9]

10:40 Keith Sweath warned us of the switch in the 80's in his song: marry go round. One minute I think you love me and next one I think you don't. I DNT UNDERSTAND IT! LISTEN, IT'LL HELP...

[@ed000]

@7:47 minutes - well explained. It's not the one off situation that leads to the divorce,its the accumulated tiny issues - lies, cheating,DV, inconsistencies etc that leadsto the big blow divorce filing

[@peemartick4655]

If someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, let them go. Doesn't matter why. Women also on average don't lose their children that is a big reason men stay in relationships they don't want to be in, but that always rares it's head somewhere in the relationship.

[@babydollkincaid4584]

Why don't any of these Utube Channels talk about the grey divorce when the older person gets divorced left pennyless and don't recover financially and has no support system?

[@kentwood9821]

Perils of the trophy wife.

[@Imnotyourdoormat]

2 vintage music videos show the origin of the social engineering induced 40 years ago that bring us to where we are today. Bruce Springsteens "Tunnel of Love" and the The Tubes "Shes a Beauty" illustrate their future plans for relationships all too well. In Springsteen's video he escaped and was "thumbs upped" by the men still stuck on the merry go round that didnt. In the Tubes video he didnt escape and was prematurely aged into a wore out extracted broken down old man.

[@kentwood9821]

Never saw the Tubes video before, that a riot, with the poor kid being 'taken for a ride' through one tantalizing illusion after another.