SPONSORED: Groundbreaking Video Game Lets Players Customize Characters' Genetic Code

Subscribe to The Onion on KZbin: bit.ly/xzrBUA
Video game customization reaches new heights in 'The Elder Scrolls Online' thanks to a feature that allows players to customize their character's bones, flesh, and nervous system. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
Like The Onion on Facebook: www. theonion
Follow The Onion on Twitter: / theonion
More Breaking News: www.theonion.com/video/

[@finchat9407]

imagine being like 3 months into designing your character and you accidentally press the randomize button

[@jamiedenton2321]

imagine being 3 months into designing your character

[@bryanbarcelo5440]

imagine pressing the randomize button

[@doxo9597]

Imagine being like 3 months

[@jamiedenton2321]

Imagine

[@mike-nc4fq]

i

[@alabalamalamala]

Imagine fighting a boss but your character has to take a shit mid-battle

[@predictless1009]

There is a boss which does that in Sekiro

[@KnightoftheSorryFace]

Just remove the anus and give them a shit gun in their arm

[@jamersbazuka8055]

Not a problem if your character has functioning adrenal glands.

[@anthonyo.thector32]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@abdouaboud7490]

That happene is ark

[@MadsMadsen837]

Imagine spending weeks creating a character only to immediately die of liver failure because you didn't connect a single artery correctly.

[@icrushchildrensdreams4556]

Imagine instead of that you die of a single paper cut because you forgot to connect a tiny bit of skin

[@FoxMaster]

Then you would take five minutes to fix it,

[@APersonOnYouTubeX]

@@FoxMaster or 5hrs searching for it if no prompts are given

[@clarkjonesss1749]

@@icrushchildrensdreams4556 u created a charscter with hemopilia

[@notme8232]

@@APersonOnKZbinX At that point, might as well program the game yourself.

[@EnergizingBane]

Imagine playing a game where the whole point is to create a character in a similar fashion as this and the goal being to survive for more than a few minutes

[@ryanandrews7761]

Like Kerbal Space Program for the human body. I'd absolutely play that.

[@warbrain1053]

there are some, but just for some cells. Like Thrive.

[@encendercolores1684]

I'd so pay for that"

[@TimPortantno]

Basically sounds like Spore

[@giantspiderproductions3356]

Spore lol

[@khalidalnajjar1558]

You know .. even if all that customization was true, the name part would still be the hardest

[@inspectorjavert8443]

+Khalid AlNajjar indeed, and of course the good names are always taken

[@shakirashipslied9721]

I hate picking a name, It makes me cry

[@AmieEss]

"Leon.. Leonidus.. Loki- fuck it, Lord Fartus Buttington."

[@djsweaty2890]

Khalid AlNajjar That's actually true, haha!

[@residentalien818]

Nah, just name them gay every time, always works for me!

[@cypressz]

I love how the neurosurgeon was completely overwhelmed by the complexity of what they were doing.

[@karmabad6287]

hahahaha

[@RuminatingWizard]

And people say it "just happened"

[@noatoth-egeto1576]

@landon L. he literally didn't say anything about evolution lmao

[@exosproudmamabear558]

Truth be told protein folding one hell of a bitch subject so even if you master in that area you would have no idea what you are doing. I am telling you as a fifth grade medical student

[@vinayseth1114]

@@exosproudmamabear558 You're a medical student while still in fifth grade?! You must have an IQ of 200 or something-wow!

[@RobinSwede]

"I felt a real connection with the character" The character: kill me...

[@dinkopausic6357]

Oh yeah haha I watched that.

[@TheCatholicRemedy]

💀🤣🤣🤣

[@symbolitical4158]

@@morallyitsdisgusting.perso6534 I got that reference

[@epeli0035]

We all watched the same video for fucks sake Robin

[@StarAmbience42]

I literally died on that one 😂😂

[@jk7074]

Honestly, why can't we learn biology like this? This could be acctualy briliant.

[@GeneralLDS]

yeah if you don’t learn your character dies and you have less fun so it’s a good incentive

[@deaj8450]

I had the same thought. People will invest so much time into knowing every single thing about a game as it stands, stuff like this could have potential.

[@vladiiidracula235]

I feel like somebody trying to make perfect character will stumble onto a way to make superhumans

[@utryping]

Because it would be hard to program

[@jimnelson9949]

Apparently a LOT of people don't remember Spore. All characters would be made of penises.

[@kingpatty4628]

imagine just being a regular gamer who spends months customizing your character and causally winning nobel prizes in the medical field of science at the same time.

[@bestaround3323]

I mean if this was a real thing that would probably happen

[@HerculesBallsInc]

Fun fact: Because supercomputer time was so expensive, some biologists decided to make a 'game' out of protein folding galled 'FoldIt'. You got points based on the actual physical parameters by which a protein folds - making it smaller, putting charged groups near each other and neutral groups near each other. High scores gone on a leaderboard, though no Nobel prizes. It was actually pretty successful, with humans tinkering with proteins doing about as well as those supercomputers.

[@coolchrisable]

@@HerculesBallsInc did someone find a few cures for a few things playing that could have sworn i heard about it happening

[@coolchrisable]

@@HerculesBallsInc yeah when you put the minds of thousands if not millions of people to work you can crank out some pretty effective stuff

[@HerculesBallsInc]

@@coolchrisable I'm glad memelords are using their powers for good instead of evil. : p

[@Abelhawk]

This is some really convincing CGI for this joke.

[@moonkingkei5547]

I’m pretty sure a good chunk of it was premade stock footage meant for medical videos. The scene at 1:45 seems more like something actually made for the video.

[@someoneontheinternet1516]

how tf is this is a joke

[@spacepug4153]

@@someoneontheinternet1516 its onion news. Its all satire

[@someoneontheinternet1516]

@@spacepug4153 ik i was being satirical aswell

[@pencilgaming1233]

@Abelhawk I love your content

[@jdavis2921]

“BEST DARK SOULS MOLECULAR STRUCTURE BUILD *still working 2021*”

[@DrPAngus]

Best game ever

[@HerculesBallsInc]

Molecule hacks are for lamers.

[@ExHyperion]

@@HerculesBallsInc play lame, win game

[@thehoboking2028]

10 HOURS LONG

[@DamnImb0r3d]

Lmaooooo

[@habboier]

Imagine if you put your DNA in and the game said “SHORT LIFESPAN” or some shit

[@themaidenlesswretch7819]

Imagine if it just said alz... What was I going to say again? Where am... Who the hell are you? Oh God, I'm calling... Who am I calling?

[@t-34-36]

I put in my mother's dna and my dna and I found out I'm adopte-

[@troll4life662]

Zeta Yeah it’s surprisingly accurate I did the same thing and it somehow figured out I was a accidental pregnancy before even I did!

[@yumri4]

Some resistances irl to stuff do shorten your life span. The thing is they are kept due to it not being that long of a shortening so they keep on being passed down. Most of them for preventing cancer.

[@toroselfpropelledgaslawnmo5197]

“High chance of gastrojejunocolic fistula”

[@purpledevilr7463]

The onion has failed at illustrating a point of absurdity, we want this.

[@purpledevilr7463]

@@jellyfishi_ remember, you have presets. I just wanted unlimited creative power.

[@RoseKindred]

@@jellyfishi_ Delete your comment. If a random person like me can stumble on it, imagine what EA or Activision would do. Paid "Character Creator" DLC *cough removed content* followed by paid unlock settings sliders? You know they will do it.

[@guyinaroom7771]

Lmao, yea that's normally the pokt of these videos but literally everyone would love to have this in a game

[@joshdoran9078]

Cyberpunk 2077 new update

[@Christian-rn1ur]

I've not played it but isn't Eve Online customisation ridiculously complex? And then you never actually see your character lol

[@internisus]

"I've been designing my orc's liver for five hours now. It's awesome."

[@davidhatcher7016]

Yup True

[@jonahsoldier9736]

Why do comments that are litterally just quotes from the videos they're on get so many upvotes?

[@Mothlord03]

@@jonahsoldier9736 r/foundthereddituser

[@Benjackalope]

@@jonahsoldier9736 cause they're the best quotes from the video

[@domesticcat1725]

@@Mothlord03 ihaveihaveihavereddit

[@trentlindsey7401]

Imagine if this happened in real life, gamers would immediately start making meta templates.

[@deathpoison1018]

Imagine how difficult that would be.

[@claiminglight]

OH shit me no third reichy

[@stuckonaslide]

and then the other half of the player base would immediately commit genocide on everyone else like nazis

[@scruffmaster0185]

Yeah, maybe after a few months 😂

[@LegendWolfA]

**Dark Souls best DNA sequence for speedrunning (working 2023)**

[@hecc7906]

You could literally make your character into anything as long as its organs and stuff works correctly, mudcrabs, giants, dragons, and even sloads

[@stuckonaslide]

time to return tsaesci rule to tamriel

[@spookyscaryskeletonsmith2840]

so what youre saying is deez nuts

[@myamdane6895]

@@spookyscaryskeletonsmith2840 exactly!

[@linkalot7415]

Awesome to see fellow elder Scrolls fans here

[@waluigihentailover6926]

Slutty toads?

[@DonVigaDeFierro]

"Sixteen times the chromosomes!" -Todd Howard.

[@kaushalsuvarna5156]

It just works

[@JK-ei7wr]

kaushal suvarna was about to comment the same thing lmao

[@jvccr7533]

@@kaushalsuvarna5156 x doubt

[@dimasyanuar1863]

He's dork, he'll goes back to the chess club

[@davidec.4021]

Best comment

[@Frenchy_47]

I think this is what people thought Cyberpunk customization would be like...

[@gregorymalchuk272]

I get to choose my character's circumcision status: uncut.

[@gabandreialcantara4649]

@@gregorymalchuk272 my character's pp status : *non existant*

[@Junesfall]

Cyberpunk was a huge disappointment

[@michaelryan5973]

No one will say it so I will. Who else would instantly make the most fuckable character possible?

[@ramonzambrano8565]

@@michaelryan5973 if most fuckable you mean the most holes then it's me

[@vesselthanatos3033]

imagine being a parent walking into your kid's room and seeing him learn all about the human anatomy at the cellular level

[@cye2310]

Kid: "Yay, my game is here!" *9 hours later* Kid: "...so that's how hair strands work. Let's move on to chest hairs. *10 hours later* Kid: "My hairy monster is complete."

[@skiwnaze1500]

i would send my kid to heaven

[@AwkwardMelody]

@@skiwnaze1500 is that a threat, or compliment

[@e5858]

@@AwkwardMelody Yes

[@Adelei42069]

Are ya successfully forming customized kidneys that properly function, son?

[@geirdaniel]

That slider for "Ovary Weight" killed me

[@darthjekyll3648]

Heavy weight means more eggs right

[@Kyleplaysgames567]

Imagine the lag when the game has to calculate everything that is going on in your character down to the microscopic level.

[@nocensorship8092]

no worries the game engine simply builds your character in a bio lab in the real world and observes what happens to it and then shows you the result on screen

[@razortheonethelight7303]

@@nocensorship8092 wait so if your characters dies in game then it dies in real life so wouldn't you have to build a entirely new body?

[@IsraelCountryCube]

Imagine imagining.

[@dontmindme8820]

@@razortheonethelight7303 one word. Clones

[@razortheonethelight7303]

@@dontmindme8820 you right.

[@DeadUnicornClub]

It's what we all expected from Spore but didn't get.

[@neverfearchrisishere]

What? A tool to create penis models? Spore did that okay.

[@MrToxicB1izzard]

I liked spore... :/

[@QwertyuiopThePie]

MrToxicBlizzard I sort of liked spore too, but it wasn't what we were promised at all.

[@maryapredkobrown3008]

TrulyEvilBob Reminds me of reading the comments on a spore forum and someone was lamenting over the fact that they couldn't create a blind limbless creature that has psychic powers that make up for its missing features. In my opinion they should have just grabbed a few fans and had them make the game.

[@vinesthemonkey]

Spore was such an awful game. So much potential too

[@nat0106951]

2014 : satire comedic purposes 2021: hmm. This is actually quite a good concept for a game 🤔

[@eliascrooker7773]

Yeah

[@NoExplosionsMcgee]

It really is ngl

[@Tpoleful]

Fuck I got bamboozled by that username. Pretty sure you got this comment a million times but I don't care.

[@kormannn1]

This probably will require a shitton of separate neural AI networks working together implemented into the game so they could automatically calculate the results of what character will look like and how it will interact with the world.

[@adrenalineactivate]

You join 12 years ago but your comment is 18 years ago?? What is this witch craft Edit: Holy shit I got tricked

[@Brian-rx9sp]

The Onion: "Haha, this is so ridiculous. Gamers may love customization but no gamer would want to go this far with it lol!" Gamers: *HEAVY BREATHING*

[@chrisgaming9567]

A halfway point between this and Spore would be awesome

[@Magus_Espigon]

Just imagine, abominations that have weird ligaments in the proper places...

[@PositiviteaTheFirst]

*I could recreate every single species within the Nine Realms and beyond*

[@lemongrandad9964]

Chris Gaming I just realized this is the onion fuck I'm stupid

[@thehonestorange713]

its funny how the onions jokes are good ideas

[@owlabouteverything2066]

spore was so great!!!

[@drollfurball2863]

0:46 "If your character have any anatomical flaws they could die immedietly." So.... Gene engineering simulator? Honestly, I'd kinda wanna buy that....

[@drollfurball2863]

Is it weird if I actually wanna play such a game?"

[@tychowozniaki9269]

I think it would be awesome. And it would really help for learning anatomy.

[@geradosolusyon511]

I'd definitely buy that. If not, I'll watch people who bought that on KZbin

[@RadXader]

@@geradosolusyon511 same)

[@Gloomysushiroll]

Id try to build the ultimate perfect being

[@gretathuumberg]

Onion: *Makes a joke* Someone at CDProjekt, probably high on crack: "write that down , WRITE THAT DOWN!"

[@user-pb3jj5vw6e]

LOL

[@ryosuke707]

They couldn't even make a proper game with 8 yrs development.

[@user-pb3jj5vw6e]

@@ryosuke707 its because they started rushing to get the game out

[@genericwhitekidthesecond4330]

Those damn Poles are actually good at something

[@freedustin]

@@user-pb3jj5vw6e "started rushing" "took 8 years" pick one. can't have both.

[@seafgdvhsqrghde]

Honestly seems like something that tes diehard fans would want

[@CHNO-cm1rd]

Can confirm. Source: a diehard fan.

[@ammagon4519]

I just want my Funky Orc to büttfück some Khajiit lady

[@notepadplusplus4923]

@@ammagon4519 it already is possible

[@Ty-vj4wg]

Yes, I’m a TES fan and play ESO. I would loved that.

[@Kim-Yo-jong]

can confirm I want this

[@ralek592]

Imagine the breakthroughs in medicine we could make with a simulator like that

[@CouncilOfTheLostGoats]

Not just the fact that medical experts would have the tools to experiment without repuccusions, but also gamers spending all nighters casually revolutionising medicine by curing cancer because it's getting in the way.

[@ralek592]

@@CouncilOfTheLostGoats at the same time everyone would know how to spread epidemics lul

[@mindlessscientist3772]

There'd be online tutorials to making the most OP characters, and suddenly we have the blueprints to artificially evolve ourselves

[@shadysam7161]

@@mindlessscientist3772 and then the aliens discover us earthlings and flatten us in order to make new landfills for their super drinks.

[@mindlessscientist3772]

@@shadysam7161 umm......what? That made no sense

[@TheBlackdragunov]

What no customize-able hopes and dreams? What about my character's childhood environment that gave him/her/it a number of psychological disorders? I want to be able to put in the scars on my back from my Orc step-father beating me.

[@TheBlackdragunov]

OwlyEagles It's all I ever wanted out of a video game.

[@hey_it_stev]

Shrek is love, Shrek is life.

[@GuerillaBunny]

+Liam Sucks They're saving it for the DLC. Eventually when you reach the level cap you'll get this quest where you get to re-live every second of your past. It's going to be a 10,000 man raid with bosses like Puberty, Mommy Issues, Jimmy the Bully from Across the Street and of course the Triumvirate of Bases.

[@karmabad6287]

maybe designing past memories, trauma, personality querks, mental defects ect will be in the next game. cant wait to find out xD

[@snakebirdnephilem2600]

Liam Sucks and What about my Imperials deep seated fear of women based on the years of physical, mental, and sexual abuse at the hands of his mother who after his father's death when he was a child of six, locked him and his mortality wounded twin sister in a dark cell in the mansion dungeon with a knife in order to ensure he became masculine enough for her tastes and eliminate the twin sister as a possible rival for his affections? yeah... I know... unoriginal to base your characters life off your own but I always do it for my first character to help with roleplaying...

[@redpanda7789]

Randomize Button: That's a nice character you've spent months on. Would be a shame... if you.... accidently pressed me.

[@lokithemischievous2283]

This honestly seems like it could be a solid way to teach human biology in a decently fun way- albeit with far less of all of it in general lmao

[@hasanalharaz7454]

They did something similar. They made a puzzle game based on genes or something to help with research I forgot what it’s called tho

[@sniper6081]

This would actually be a great way to teach people biology and physiology.

[@st.lopikongiii151]

More life if humans acquire the powers of GOD.

[@lordtomlluckrahthegreat9014]

I think it would only last about four hours of character creation, and then you'd just be left with a regular 3d rpg. I don't think people would care about biology that much just because of the character creation part

[@JillianVSJill]

All talking like this shit real 😂😂😂

[@VileClavicusVile]

St.Lopikong III What?

[@Krystalmyth]

@@lordtomlluckrahthegreat9014 You underestimate the power of Fashion Souls.

[@internisus]

"To be honest: most parts of the character creator are a bit beyond me. I don't know that much about protein folding."

[@jassilavkainen9027]

That... Was golden.

[@SAT1337]

Jassi Lavkainen Can you elaborate? What's so funny about that?

[@jassilavkainen9027]

That last sentence man...

[@r.alexander9075]

saffant the funny part is a neurosurgeon doesnt have enough knowledge to customize a character in this game... and HOW THE FUCK does a neurosurgeon not know about protein folding hahahaha you learn that before university even

[@MrUmakemelaff]

R. Alexander So you're saying it's not exactly brain surgery....😎

[@jordythecat7181]

I would unironically play a game like this.

[@invisibleuser_d9fe3H1obHj7]

I'm convinced The Onion was founded by a time traveling comedian from an alternate universe where we didn't have The Onion to prepare us for the universe where The Onion doesn't exist by creating The Onion itself

[@matthewspence7476]

I actually kind of like this idea, there’s so much potential, imagine how far you could push the limits of biology

[@man-who-sold-the-world]

Great way to learn. Hopefully encourage people look after themselves properly.

[@ghuttsmckenzie4269]

I could literally realistically create a space marine! Maybe even graduate to a custodes!

[@nowwhat8209]

Of course. That's part of the joke, that such a thing is instead being used for a video game...

[@lucaslucas191202]

except if it were actually accurate any change you made would probably fuck everything up.

[@khangle1046]

🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤖😼😼😼😼😼💩💩💩😈🤠🤠🤑🤠🤮🤮🤮🤮👾🥶🙁😤😔🙁😩😖🥵😖😕😞😚😎👺👺👺👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹🐢🐢🐢🐍🦎🦖🦟🕷🐴🐸🐸🐸🐸🐻‍❄️🐻‍❄️🦟🪳🦐🦐🐢🐍🦎🦖🦖🐍🐍🙊🙉🙉🐊🦧🦍🦍🦍🦍🦈🦈🦈🦈🐡🐡🐡🦕🦕🐬🐪🐫🦧🦣🐘🦘🦛🐆🐈🐈🐈🦌🐈‍⬛🐈🐈‍⬛🪶🦌🐐🐕🐈‍⬛🐈🐈‍⬛🪶🐟🦭🦭🦭🦭🦭🦧🐫🦧🦍🦍🦍🦧🦧🐪🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉👾😻😻👾👾👻👹👿👿💀🙀🙀🙀🤖🤖💩💩🤠🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤤🤤🤤😪😐🤗🤗🤗🤨🤨🤨😚😚😌😍🥰😇😅😄🤣🤣🙃🙃😚😙🤨🤪😜😝😝😝

[@cesarvictoriano8072]

I hate it when The Onion does something I wish was real, but it’s still hilarious when they do em.

[@yeoss]

Your wish was granted like a day ago. You can customize your genitals in Cyberpunk 2077 (but then again you can customize almost everything in that game)

[@jamesdeegan7365]

shhhh dont jinx it, the onion has a tendancy of predicting current events

[@Sammysapphira]

Just play second life or vrchat

[@centralintelligenceagency9003]

Uh, Isn't Revolver Digital's SCUM basically this?

[@Alpostpone]

@@yeoss Lightweight. We're only getting there once stomach fluid balance, gut biome and consequently ideal diet are fully customizable.

[@Willwillows]

Every day it's more evident The Onion exists in a time bubble where it remains relevant and relatable no matter the year

[@dinglepringle1380]

“I don’t know that much about protein folding.” Holy shit, I lost it.

[@SuperNintendawg]

"Players can find and read hundreds of medical textbooks in game world." So a normal Elder Scrolls game then

[@spiderjeranimo4992]

Autistic Reporter "The Eldar Scolls games have Restoration textbooks, Fallout has Medical Textbooks, you can stack them like many books."

[@zakariaahmed4490]

Designing characters face for 5 hours, only to have a helmet covering the face through the entire game. :)

[@fudgen.a1249]

Sounds like Dark Souls’s characters customization.

[@AC-iz7eh]

The same reason I played ME with the default Shepards

[@Talia.777]

@@Rooivalk_Mk_1.1 😂😂😂

[@YuriG03042]

Why did you decide to directly attack all of Destiny fanbase

[@CarlosGomes-yc3nm]

0:57 That was the most painful "This is awesome" that's ever been said in history.

[@josephnolting436]

This just shows that if there was a game related to creating the perfect human body the gamer community would probably become super doctors

[@roguishpaladin]

0:36 Western gamers: "Ha ha, specifying blood type is part of the joke" Japanese gamers: "Wait, blood type doesn't matter in western RPGs?"

[@shinobix4925]

I've yet to find JRPG that does this, but I've always found it weird that some mangas and animes will give shots of character details and specify the blood type as if something I'm going to remember

[@roguishpaladin]

@@shinobix4925 Y'know, you're right. although I do see some references to certain game manuals if I dig deep, the major known examples (Soul Calibur, Resident Evil, Death Smiles) are all not RPGs. Weird.

[@vanjagalovic3621]

@@shinobix4925 In Japan it's believed that blood type affects your personality.

[@shinobix4925]

@@vanjagalovic3621 I guess that makes sense, but whenever I see it in manga and anime it'll usually has a big chunk of main characters who are nothing alike all have the same blood type for reasons I can't understand

[@11Survivor]

@@vanjagalovic3621 I mean ironically blood type can be the difference between contracting the bubonic plague and catching flu number seven hundred and fourteen.

[@macrumpton]

When the character says "Kill Me" I just exploded.

[@apullcan]

wow i hope you survived.

[@popcornsprite6732]

@Cormac Atherton 🤣🤣🤣

[@thepacificwart8777]

I guess you didn't do your character customization properly... I think you might need to adjust some things in the hearing part of your character so that sound wouldn't cause you to explode too much or blow up some cells throughout the campaign

[@diegomeringer3953]

RIP michael

[@diegomeringer3953]

@@popcornsprite6732 a man has died and you're laughing

[@honestscriberelaxation9542]

That's hilarious! I would actually love to play a game like that. It's like Spore for college graduates.

[@lordofchimichangas2302]

Imagine waking up in the morning and thinking this is real. Just fucking imagine.

[@armyofthewolves]

The Onion: Haha this would be the most tedious, boring game mechanic of all time. Me: Please can I have this please

[@just_a_tepig3611]

People really love their customization in games

[@Hannah-xw4pk]

When even Sims customization isn't enough for you

[@nousername8162]

Genetically optimise your character for interplanetary travel

[@MiloTheCrotonian]

@@lordoa lol naw that's what mods for

[@taokodr]

Thank you! Before I saw it was an Onion article, I got a little excited :D

[@joshuacollins385]

I know it's a joke about character creation going into unnecessary detail, but this sounds excellent.

[@ezucra]

*you can change your dna, literally changing your family tree, thus if you choose correctly, you can get a royal family*

[@Excaliburumbra801]

@@ezucra *make your father and mother brothers and your grandpas realated so you can be pure in bloodline and possibly be of royalty*

[@YataTheFifteenth]

@@Excaliburumbra801 GOTT ERHALTE GOTT BESCHÜTZE-

[@YellowSpaceMarine]

NO, it doesn't. it sounds axtremely boring and extremely difficult. You wouldn't last 2 minutes.

[@micmacha]

This is basically me when I'm modeling a character in Blender.

[@i798]

I feel like this would be an amazing coursework project for a biology class.

[@AConcerningAmountOBees]

5 years later and cyberpunk let’s us customize our genitals, we truly have come so far as gamers Edit: Oh my god everyone please stop saying shit

[@justgrey3114]

yet we regressed as human beings, with every guy acting as a female nowadays we'll be extinct before coronavirus is fully wiped off

[@SecretMarsupial]

Just Grey You seem to have something in your mind? Is society upsetting you?

[@justgrey3114]

@@SecretMarsupial I'm only observing and predicting, society can fuck itself over all it wants in the name of freedom and I still wouldn't give a damn, the only thing that concerns me is the environment my children will grow up in.

[@s7robin105]

Just Grey spotted the fascist :v

[@ticktockbam]

@@justgrey3114 Those are like 1% of the population, but they're hella loud, that's for sure.

[@karmabad6287]

awww. my character is riddled with diseases of every variety, cant speak (just screams in pain), coughs up blood and passes out regularly. is badly deformed (in ways that would upset the strongest of people), bleeding eyes that are blind, teeth growing in random places, cant walk (can only roll in pain actually) brain damage and flesh falling off. also is a carrier of several highly contagious deadly pathogens. how can I fix it, ive already spent 3000 hours designing it :/

[@karmabad6287]

Update: ive recieved a govt medical grant to develop vacines and treatments for the new deseases ive discovered in my charactor xD

[@FUry13131]

+karma bad Laughed out loud.

[@insanityreality1971]

+karma bad r/thathappened

[@robomadness2074]

if this character customization was real this is basically what my character would be

[@DuringDark]

@@insanityreality1971 Dear fucking god. If you do use Reddit, you'd realise how fucking stupid that sounds by this point in Reddit meta.

[@gustavoschnurr1907]

I knew, the first time I watched a video by "The Onion" that my recomendation tab would never be the same.

[@autodidacticseaturtle7955]

The "Top News" aged badly

[@InfraredScale]

The ability to chose your character's race really breaks the immersion, It would be much better if we had to alter the character's DNA to change their race

[@michaelfinlay1412]

But now if we want a dolphin we gotta force them from vaguely human like to nightmare fuel dolphin

[@InfraredScale]

@@michaelfinlay1412 you are editing on DNA level, if you get it right it will be a perfectly fine dolphin

[@michaelfinlay1412]

@@InfraredScale ok so I've worked on it some more and I accidentally gave it two. Mouths

[@michaelfinlay1412]

@@InfraredScale instructions unclear, made shrek

[@alexanderchristopher6237]

Michael Finlay honestly, that’s not the worst that could have happened.

[@AuthorityCat]

Not to this detail, but it would be kind of cool in hindsight. I've always wanted to know how a character as weak as myself would manage within a fantastical realm.

[@dakotaneumann1259]

AuthorityCat agreed, some basic muscle, bone, or organ placement would be interesting

[@npc6817]

*your pg stretches a bow* *three fingers broken, bow lodged into cranium and arrow shot backwards*

[@npc6817]

I just wanted this to be between apostrophees, I apparently discovered bold letters *N I C E*

[@hellothere9407]

Saverio sassetti Dwarf fortress in a nutshell

[@roddydykes7053]

dakota neumann maybe put the heart on the opposite side as normal if you’re making a left-handed swordsman build for example

[@givecamichips]

Playing this properly would probably require Master's level degrees in at least biology and probably biochemistry. It would probably be bought mainly by medical schools and teaching hospitals and there would be like a six month waiting list to use one. The team that made this would almost definitely get a Nobel prize in physiology/medicine.

[@blanclotus]

"Ukraine Holds Referendum On Whether To Split Into 45 Million Countries"

[@gabrielslater2739]

Lol the hidden news feed in 2:03 - "Study: 64% of marriages Held Together By Netflix"

[@sovietunion7643]

that low?

[@Solbashio]

@@sovietunion7643 pretty high tbh. netflix dropping divorce rates by a longshot

[@sovietunion7643]

@@Solbashio i know it was a joke

[@MsZsc]

fuck netflix

[@IsraelCountryCube]

@@Tucker454 Incestually?

[@Superhino]

"Ukraine is debating whether or not split into 45 Millions countries" "NSA denies reading your private emails with a loud sarcastic voice" LOOOL

[@aterack833]

Nice eye, also nice pfp

[@littleblock2639]

As a Ukrainian, I do want to split into one of 45 Million countries

[@polarisation]

@@littleblock2639 as your romanian neighbour, we also want to split into 45 million countries.

[@violenceisfun]

@@littleblock2639 As your Russian neighbour, one is already too many.

[@MarzieMalfoy]

This video came out 7 years ago... if this was real, I’d still be designing my character 😂😂😂

[@sfashaikh1187]

"Ukraine holds referendum on whether to split into 45 million countries" reads the news ticker. Well Well Well....

[@cardiaccoder9622]

Wow, I got this game just over 5 years ago and I’m just about done customizing brain cell no.52,571,355,319, but I heard the gameplay is cool

[@vincentmuyo]

How're those medical studies going?

[@aquila4460]

You made the classic blunder. You don't want to design the brain cells, because then your character becomes self aware and you can't play them anymore.

[@aintdatabic]

🤣😂🤣

[@kelemenkerti]

@@aquila4460 but you can farm xp without playing

[@this_commenter_had_a_stroke]

The barely living blob I made can run on just 4 braincells just like how I do

[@FissionCube]

the guy having to look up references for hands is so funny... every artist Felt That

[@curtiswong7280]

This comment here, dammit, I feel this so much

[@FissionCube]

@@curtiswong7280 yes ive been drawing for over a decade. no i cant draw hands.

[@curtiswong7280]

@@FissionCube Only recently have I learned to draw them with the right proportions, and they still look like they come from a cave troll.

[@HowlingWolf518]

Hands are easy - it's drawing the _fingers_ that screws you up.

[@RobinSwede]

I don't get it like there are two references right in front of you! (for most people)

[@Aaron-nd6hb]

love the helmet falling off the monstrosity at 1:57

[@kingo8914]

something like this would be amazing! Obviously, it would take a little while to code all of biology into a single video game, but something like this might come out before GTA 6

[@maxmoefoe]

I can't wait to design my Dragon Elf's intestinal track, FUCK YEAH CUSTOMIZATION!

[@VaishnavVenugopal]

[@desert0bear690]

How does this not have more comments and likes?

[@BigMan-kp6ug]

@@desert0bear690 this was before people started yelling 'OMG KZbin CELEBRITY!"whenever they see a tick in the comments.

[@IsraelCountryCube]

@@BigMan-kp6ug only cringey gamers do that

[@IsraelCountryCube]

maxmoefoe dead rip lpol

[@notthemama7296]

Me: Selects "Nord" as race and genetically manipulates it to be a Falmer.

[@MechanicalDoll]

That's illegal!

[@redsunrises8571]

But Falmer were snow elves

[@fucku390]

Have a good time trying to see anything

[@gujwdhufjijjpo9740]

FUCK U - imma go on limb here and assume he meant before they were blind.

[@sephikong8323]

Imma pick a dunmer and make it distinctly as fair skinned as possible to confuse everyone when I say I am a dark elf

[@maitri5265]

I think this is the most invested video of Onion. Both content and visual wise.

[@jonathanpowell9979]

This game would probably revolutionize the healthcare system. You could simulate a thin stomach lining, or a bad joint and see what makes the joint bad. There would be so much meat on the bone to the content of this game.

[@TravisHeinze]

1:44 kill me

[@karmabad6287]

this creature must live! think of the potential new medical breakthroughs that could be discovered by the study of this nobel charactor.

[@TravisHeinze]

+karma bad Exactly! We could have learned so much more from the Neanderthals!

[@greenthizzle4]

Travis Heinze haha I seen you before, you're that predator dude

[@headquad5744]

Travis Heinze poor thig suffer from it own creation

[@keopsps3474]

Mitty

[@beanisbeanis7387]

People already spend hours customizing characters for fun, so this would actually make some people happy

[@globurim]

I mean you can potentially make an overpowered character with this level of customization. It's not just cosmetics after all.

[@malachaiuys711]

"Design every cell..." *proceeds to show shoulder muscle*

[@EUROCORP2027]

as a eso vet i can confirm this was a feature implemented in the early days of beta access

[@brodieknight772]

With the ultimate power to craft every cell in a characters body, I would make him into Vigo Mortenson anyway, so thanks for saving me the time.

[@ShatteredIce]

I feel as if a great many of us were planning to do just that.

[@-nightraider-1169]

Imagine being in a boss battle and your character gets a heart attack half way through the game

[@dihydrogenoxide4775]

I would absolutely love something like this. Just being able to set aside some hours in class and design the shape of your blood cells, figuring out good acids for your stomach, getting some of those acids to be in the saliva to help digest. It would be legitimately so much fun for me because I love challenges like this

[@kenneth.lim3390]

I would love a game that lets players design the move sets or have a system that allows players to create quest/maps of their own without programming knowledge. Only game I found for the former was Absolver which is dead and for the latter, Neverwinter Online which remove the system.

[@nucleus5044]

Wait you can do that in absolver? Dang I need to play again

[@kenneth.lim3390]

@@nucleus5044 Yeah, it uses a system where you can pick different moves and then form 4 separate combos of 4 moves each. Each move also starts and ends at a different stance so if you build correctly, you can transition between the combos mid-combo or at the end of combo, resulting in a number of different move sets. You acquire new moves by blocking or dodging them from NPCs or other players so the experience for everyone is different.

[@nucleus5044]

@@kenneth.lim3390 Dang, imma get that game again

[@Too_Tall_64]

... I didnt realize this was the Onion for about half the video... i started suspecting something, then i saw the logo... damn they always start off really convincing before going into crazy territory...

[@vfrl4fma]

Yeah when that woman said about stomach ulcers I had to check who the video was from, then it all made more sense.

[@ThatOneDude7]

"... by letting players design every organ and cell in their avatar's body" at 0:09. they always start with crazy stuff, it just so happens to be very well camouflaged with the whole news setting your mind is focused on other stuff so you just miss those few words or dont process them. its why the Onion is genius

[@barnibussnaples6561]

Oh man. Realistically this would be one of the medicine simulators that charges 200k a license for 100 machines.

[@yomamajeff]

Help I accidentally set my argonian's chest cavity to collapse immediately

[@just-justice-here]

This would be a nice game to include in Doctors Requirement

[@MrGreenBeanBeenBeanin]

I cheesed the system and made it so my character never stops pissing.

[@professionalcommentstealer5271]

Bruh, *tell me your secrets*

[@smokeybrown8752]

You’re gonna need a medical degree for that.

[@anonguy772]

Someone: H- Your character: Can't talk right now, I'm making piss

[@noop9k]

That’s Death Stranding

[@prezentoappr1171]

@@noop9k cold climate moment vs dry dessert still pee if the chara got deficit or is prone to peeing frequently or like my classmate made in a sentence test, the pee gland is small in volume

[@GilPalma]

This is how all channels should do sponsored videos!

[@saucywallnut723]

m nostalgic for when games were all like this, you know, the good old days when you character would have a brain tremor mid battle

[@nathannakonieczny1343]

This actually sounds like a fun educational tool. If it worked exactly as described.

[@PedanticPig]

What Spore should have been ...

[@Bourikii2992]

The funniest part of this, is it assumes bethesda does more than just copy and paste all the code from morrowind.

[@MK_ULTRA420]

They have made progress, they now copy and paste code from player-made mods! Sometimes the person who made the mod gets some money if they catch Bethedsa stealing their code.

[@tree4318]

They really need a new engine at this point. They just add on new features to the old one with duct tape it's a train wreck.

[@sadchibicat9059]

Bethesda didn’t make eso. Zenimax did

[@Bourikii2992]

@@sadchibicat9059 They are literally the same company lmao. Bethesda created zenimax.

[@sentientcircle9769]

@@Bourikii2992 bruh. Bethesda was bought by Zenimax right when they were about to go bankrupt after Daggerfall. Zenimax owns Bethesda.

[@CatsT.M]

I remember spending three years perfecting my character, because I wanted to make him unique so I decided to give him sickle cell. I really love the fact that you have to change each individual blood cell, really makes it feel realistic...oh yeah, then he died after like five minutes and since the game is completely accurate they can not be revived which is something I really enjoy, makes it feel real.

[@yaboihenry1946]

I can’t believe I didn’t realize this was The Onion until 60 seconds into the video 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[@Dude902]

Randomize button = Infect your character with corprus

[@DynoSkrimisher]

Dude902 I'm pretty sure if you infect their body with Corpus...then they're gonna shout out gibberish and shoot plasma weapons

[@unconscious7219]

Is this how you honor the Sixth House?

[@hollowknight8464]

DynoSkrimisher and wear toaster helmets

[@dakotaneumann1259]

There should be a flood option smh

[@aftsten6301]

Nah, Grineer would be much worse. Just imagine them shouting 'TENNO SKOOM'

[@UncleRico82]

1:45 might be the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a video

[@Saedris]

Lmao

[@kid_eisenhorn9438]

@Kian M what might that be

[@n1lknarf]

thank you xD

[@Durgemann]

1:46 Horrid wretch you say? Nah man that’s just what Bretons look like.

[@keyb7431]

holy shit elden ring

[@CommentFrom]

Omg they remade dark souls with a different name so new guys

[@filipfilipovic2974]

I agree that some players demand a ridiculous level of customization, but this could actually be an amazing thing for students of medicine and such.

[@Ninocka30]

Bro your parents were like Firstname Firstnameović lol

[@danielrobertson2154]

@@Ninocka30 more like Last Lastnameovic

[@LKRaider]

Nina Filipovic wait, are you two related?

[@FaithfulOfBrigantia]

@@LKRaider Ofc, she called him "bro".

[@thonkingintensifies9510]

I saw this so many years ago as a kid somewhere and I remember it vividly and i acutely believed this was part of the game and would ask elder scroll players how thier avatar looked

[@AntoniOrszykowski]

1 year later.... lets the game begin.

[@nzeu725]

Cpu processing every cell in the body: *dies*