What is Stonewalling?? The drama when someone does this!

[@FreeSpirit47]

When someone gives you the "silent treatment" they are teaching you how to live without them.

[@Mereship]

Wow…this is so profound. I’m writing this down and memorizing it. This is exactly the truth. It feels horrible. Thank you.

[@sharonjluckey1282]

Well said - thanks for this! X

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@Mereship If this lesson I learned from such a pain filled experience, helps others, it was worth it to go through it. It's better to love, cherish, treat each other with kindness instead of treating people like they are convenience items, only contacting someone when they want something or need something. Even Keanu Reeves, who is known by family, friends, even a few fans, for his kindness, has a similar view. In an interview he did just 3 months ago, he stated: "If you walk away from me, ignore me, freeze me out, I won't be where you left me, I will have moved on. You're free to do the same. "

[@beyondbex4276]

How does this correlate with the deliberate attempt to gray rock someone you think might be a covert narcissist? I was in a relationship with a overt psychologically abusive narcissist for 16 years. It traumatized me. I healed. Then I started to fall for my best friend. After 5 years of friendship and 2 months of romance, it ended with no contact, a complete discard. Leading up to the final discard, during the month prior, 3 specific instances left me feeling sad, unheard, and weary. He seemed upset over things that were innocent. The first 3 times, I was all apologies. But it felt like no amount of apology could remove his grudge, and I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells. On the 4th incident of words being misunderstood and interpreted suspiciously, I began what you describe as stonewalling. That is because I felt threatened by being subjected to someone's continuous disappointment and anger. Like my ex. I felt like I had no choice but to not respond to the attacks because I felt emotionally unsafe. Silenced by being told I don't listen, by being told not to use certain words or phrases. It had left me speechless 3 times before. So much extra meaning being assigned to every little thing, which seemed to stem from insecurity on his part. I felt so weary. Looking back, the only apologies ever spoken were from me. So is stonewalling the same as gray rock, depending on whether you knowingly employ the tactic in conscious consideration of the other person's possible narcissism? In my first long relationship with the first narcissist, I often cried and let it break me down. I gave in. Always apologizing for things I didn't do. This time, I felt I was being cornered and apologies hadn't worked before, so I stonewalled. Or gray rocked. Immediately afterward, he cut me off and called me a manipulator and gaslighter online. Do I understand this accurately? I keep wondering, was I wrong? Or did I do the right thing? Is gray rock the same as stonewall? Are both bad?

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@beyondbex4276 Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds so confusing, pain filled, difficult to have lived through. From your comment, you seem to be an intelligent, deep thinker. As you probably realize, we are all different. We go through plus process differently then it also differs in every situation. The one constant is that it's difficult, painful, traumatic. It's good that you took time to heal. Many people will take less time to heal, move right into the next relationship, wanting to vanquish the loneliness & pain. I hope that you are feeling healed, strengthened, able to be happy in your life. It's what most people desire. To be happy, feeling whole. We all have to do it in our own way.

[@GodHelpMe369]

I was best friends with a psychopath. I always admired how calm he was. Cool and calm. He was a nice guy. Former preacher. He always drove as fast as he could. Drove in the left lane. He faked empathy. He future-faked me all the time. He betrayed me in the end. After 12 years of friendship. I now realize that psychopaths want to see you beg. It makes them feel powerful. He did the same thing to his ex wife. He abandoned her when she was pregnant with their baby. He refused to help her. I now understand why she despises him so much. He has no conscience. He lies to everyone. He steals every chance he gets. If you meet someone who shows little emotion, watch out!

[@Alice-ts3vl]

Exactly, they want to see you bag😮 i laughed and exposed my psycho friend during silent treatment and blocked😅

[@danieljellers]

I didn't realize that I am so guilty of doing this. Oftentimes I go silent at the moment because I don't know how to effectively communicate: organize my thoughts and articulate my feelings. Thank you, Stephanie, for making me aware of something I need to work on.

[@debt4692]

It makes me so happy to see you recognising this in yourself and hopefully starting to work on it. My boyfriend does this and I really wish he’d see it in himself and work on it too before it’s too late for us. I hope it’s working out for you

[@luxuryqueen42]

My boyfriend does this too. It’s very detrimental to our relationship. I won’t hear from him for days at a time whenever I say something to him even what I say is very innocent. I don’t know how our relationship can survive if he doesn’t communicate.

[@Fadwaspiritual]

I have the same issue :(

[@Raymlewis23]

Same I didn’t realize wow. Especially if the person is super aggressive it makes it even worse.

[@charliehobson33]

@@Raymlewis23 I think if the other is aggressive, going quiet isn't a bad thing imo

[@heartspeaks]

I see this as a form of immaturity as well. Gaslighting, narcissism, passive aggressiveness are all forms of immaturity in my opinion. They lack forms of proper healthy communication skills and resolution skills.

[@mgn1621]

And don’t forget covert communication. I

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

Not really. It often has to do with fight or flight… people’s bodies get flooded with chemicals/hormones and they don’t know how to respond. Some people do stonewall in a manipulative way but some people have never been taught better methods to work through that very strong emotional response that shuts down the brain/language centers.

[@helstonew05]

The stonewalling in my last relationship was horrible. It was withholding, lonely, painful. I was in AGONY.

[@sheilathomas3618]

I'm going through this now I have never felt so much pain and it's like no one that hasn't experienced it doesn't understand

[@FreeSpirit47]

Giving someone the freeze out, cold shoulder, stonewalling. Same things. Being married to a Filipino national, I learned that it's a part of Filipino culture. It's even accepted as their culture! They call it, "tampo". It is done spontaneously, when it's least expected, for any reason real or imagined. No thanks.

[@davidburnette4857]

Eleven years of marriage every month she stonewalls me for weeks. It hurts a lot. Always praying for her to change but she always reverses it on me

[@photographylover87]

Same here. 😢

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@davidburnette4857 That is abuse. Have you considered counseling? If she won't go, go by yourself. Freezing you out is damaging to you, it's childish & all about control. People who freeze others out are getting a thrill from throwing you into a place of pain & uncertainty. If she won't go to counseling or address the issue with you, there is nothing you can do about it except to end the relationship. I felt instant relief when I made the decision to divorce. I had not noticed the level of pain he threw me into, as I had been dealing with it for so long.

[@meenamathew410]

The saddest part is that you dont realize it at all when someone is doing this to you. They drive you absolutely nuts with this tactic to a point where you lose it and then they blame the entire situation on you. The worst part? You're so emotionally exhausted and messed up at this point that you actually accept the blame and believe maybe you are the real problem here and not them. All they had to do was acknowledge your concern, sit down and talk it out as that's all you were asking for but they are such cowards that they'd rather stonewall, gaslight and manipulate you into feeling like absolute garbage. At which point what could've ended with a healthy discussion turns into a heated argument as they keep beating around the bush/avoiding the issue that was brought up. They wait for that moment you lose your patience and snap to pounce on you and blame your temper for the fight..a fight their spineless stonewalling started! Ughh..I went through this hell for years, it's a vicious cycle that drains you emotionally and exhausts you physically. You spend years of your life feeling like there's something wrong with you and thinking maybe you were the problem all along. You blame yourself and hate yourself and end up apologizing to them while they shouldve been apologizing to you. In the end they play victim and make you the villain. It's hell..sheer hell!

[@earthangel3108]

Oh my gosh! You just explained my relationship perfectly. Thank you.

[@meenamathew410]

@@earthangel3108 if you're still in it, get out! Trust me you stick around thinking they'll change one day, but that day never comes. By the time it's over you'll be emotionally damaged beyond repair.

[@Ruffwun]

It's been 10 days since my gf and I stopped talking we are or were in an ldr. Things went sour. She'd never communicate with with me or hear my concerns.. she'd stonewall me and or punish me by not calling me not taking my calls or messges turning off her data and then get back to me hours later. My concerns were exactly about this.. i wanted her to stop doing this so we could talk but she would ignore me even while trying to talk about this via video calls and it just got progressively worse.. she started taking hours to reply things started changing all the time.. it's like she punished me even more by asking her to stop shutting down on me and making our distance even more felt. She made it worse. So I told her I couldn't do it anymore she didn't seem to care. last thing she said to me was "I'm sorry that I'm bothering you" via voice note... I didn't bother to reply.. I'm sad I miss her so much

[@sonamteotia2663]

Thanks for this comment.

[@LG-ly7di]

@@Ruffwun Yup exactly my situation. Mine is long distance too! Now she’s refusing to answer my calls or texts! And I’m sitting here apologizing like I did something wrong

[@four-x-trading5606]

The problem is a lot of hurt people who like to hurt other people want someone to love them but don’t ever think about how toxic they really are they need to fix themselves before ruining other people if they are not relationship material they need to realize that they need to help themselves before hurting others but unfortunately they don’t care and seem to enjoy it

[@yolandafrelow5472]

Because they are selfish and they don't care

[@yolandafrelow5472]

The wall stays up so get away from them.life is to short

[@yolandafrelow5472]

Gets soon old ot worth it wasting your time. It will never ever work move on

[@joycek367]

Yup. These people live in denial and would never take ownership of their issues. They just want to use others to make them feel better.

[@ilektrakaratasiou3352]

They truly believe that they are superior and therefore nothing to learn from others. God forbid someone questions them or suggests something needs fixing in their character. With their noses up and cold behaviour they go through life and are proof that you can live shallow and even be treated well in public. If none of us tolerate their sickness they will find no grounds and will be forced to change or live in isolation.

[@kirstenwilliams9246]

One of the four horsemen and a major red flag! I find this completely disrespectful. If someone needs time to cool down before taking, no problem, just let the other person know :) I think it’s important to realise that you can’t make them talk to you. You can make it clear what you want, and if they still don’t respond you have two choices 1. carry on not being able to resolve the issue or 2. you walk away. I cannot tell you how much I’ve learnt from you Stephanie, but thank you so much!

[@misstlove7621]

I agree with this. It’s disrespectful and childish. Why can’t they just be an adult and communicate 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@Mereship]

Agreed 100%

[@la381]

What's a horsemen???

[@SR77736]

Yup that's showing healthy boundaries. You can't force someone to do what you want but you don't have to tolerate less than what you deserve.

[@strongerbythesecond]

Ghosting is the modern stonewalling. Love your channel!

[@StephanieLynCoaching]

You nailed it there! Thanks

[@strongerbythesecond]

@@StephanieLynCoaching Thanks coach! 😊

[@mariotibbrine1]

Not the same these are stages in relationship failure stone walling is self strength building boundary setting with communication and connection with the other party Ghosting is severed communication no contact connection loss and symbolic death or murder of the other party

[@johnnyblaze2257]

Mario Tibbrine I agree with you!!

[@laracroft1800]

@@mariotibbrine1 I agree with you also. Ghosting and stonewalling can overlap. Ghosting and complete ignorance that you exist or are even present in the same room. Stonewalling is designed to hurt. My soon to be ex-husband grew up with a narcacist mother and single parent with lots of children to different men. She was selfish and physically aggressive. Her way is to talk above you and it's all about ME and listen to what I say. She isn't interested in a visit for my ex partner to talk about his life but the bad bits only. He is co-dependent with his mother and they talk in secret on the phone at his office. Strange for a 46yr old man!!! He cannot communicate as after 23 yrs together he has turned into his mother. They say woman do. Well men can too. It's ugly to see him being a bitch. He was brought up with his mother pulling his sisters hair out etc they're way of resolving issues and constant drama family. My mum and dad are so cute. In their seventies and I saw them communicate and my dad didn't like raised voices. He wouldn't see my mum cry. He was a true gentleman even through her life of being unwell. The other night she text to say your dad is upset he can't cuddle me in bed due to my kidney stone as it hurts,he can't sleep in the bed if she's not in it. They're lost without each other. Our families are world's apart and I think most girls who have been lucky in having a good dad will look for that type of man subconsciously. Shit.. I was a deliquent 🤣 so picked the bad boy. I fell for his charm. I blame his mum for his problems in how he treats others. It is and can be from your parent or parents abandoning you during childhood which she did numerous times. 2 different languages is a great way to put it. I've been getting ghosted. Then stonewalled and all the other games that a weirdo plays which in a sensible person will never make sense of. Ditch them if your reading. Life's too short for their parents problems to be played on you. These people enjoy tears,then stonewall you,they do it in stages to eventually make you feel mad, rejected,etc. These people are boring. I'm ready to liven my life up and no I never conformed to cooking his Xmas dinner. I went to sleep. Ate chocolate. Today he's about to get up. I'm supposed to have the house clean etc well it's not. I've learned the art of not caring and it's wonderful. Ditch these bores,meet someone fun and get away from reading this stuff that's my advice. They'll never change but get worse.

[@claudiacastillo5898]

My ex narc always used to play the victim when there were issues in the relationship. He would tell me “you make me shut down” and then avoid taking responsibility for his actions and for fixing the problem. I used to believe him and blame myself, which is exactly what he wanted. Stonewalling, withholding, silence and blame-shifting were his favorite manipulation tactics. He was so covert.

[@Viviennitta]

It sounds like what I'm going through

[@aikaterineillt9876]

My mother is the exact same way. She is killing me.

[@boop5287]

Exactly what I went through. It’s gut wrenching

[@biba350]

In this kind of relationship now have been for nearly 7 years

[@HeavenOrHell74]

This is exactly how I'm feeling about a particular ex of mine who I feel or felt as though was my possible soulmate, being that I am an Aries fire sign and she's a Scorpio water sign

[@laverdadesmejor]

NO communication = NO relationship.

[@BCHODOSH01]

Stephanie, being in a relationship with a BPD individual, now my ex, i was given a front row seat to gaslighting, the silent treatment and stonewalling. This is abusive behavior! I tried to communicate with her about how destructive it was to our relationship. , but i made no headway at all. She didn't want to hear it, and in time i realized that her defense mechanisms were a wall between us that were not ever coming down. Conflict is a reality in relationships,and if you don't have healthy communication between you and your partner then there is no conflict resolution. A relationship can't survive under those conditions. Thank you for talking about this topic, and the great guidance you provided. As always, enjoyed this video and looking forward to the next one.Be safe and well.

[@skyejacques]

I hope you're on your healing journey and have been able to be around healed people ☺️

[@theonewhogiveslikes]

Stonewalling= childish behavior

[@snoopcow]

@David Zello So true. Hahah.

[@justlynn5382]

@David Zello it depends on if ur doing it for self defense or intentionally doing it to get back on some one

[@nursegaines3519]

Amen

[@la381]

Childish is ABSOLUTELY different from CRUELTY. Sulking is childish. STONEWALLING IS CRUELTY.

[@offdogs6217]

Maybe some one is afraid that fighting back will end in them leaving. My wife accuses me of this but anytime growing up if i "talked back" i got kicked out of the house. That shit isn't easy to get rid of

[@stuartlobegeier2701]

Yeah stonewalling, they say, I don't know how to communicate with you, its your fault, you don't listen to me, your attacking me, geez the list goes on. Great work Stephanie. Your so spot on woth your sights.

[@confettybetty]

You've helped me realize a lot of I was living and be able to walk away with whatever little dignity I had left after letting that person use me as an emotional toilet.

[@lifebeginsat404]

This happened to me for 10 months untill I left. It ruined my mental health so much.

[@sonamteotia2663]

Wow! I see people got tired in 10 months. How the hell did I take this for 8 years!

[@youngsey]

Just walk away,it's going to be alright.The healing begins when YOU decide.

[@kenyanaw.3108]

Dealing with someone who does the latter (unintentionally)...so much brokeness😔 ...even had me confused and questioning myself🤦🏾 the self awareness and understanding piece is 🔑. Good content. Thank you.

[@ArchAnto]

Just by listening to this I have major spikes in anxiety and panic. I can’t help but realise I have dealt with this for years in my past relationship

[@skyejacques]

It's okay. We usually have been in relationship with the same behaviour in our families. This makes us normalise such behaviour ❤️❤️❤️

[@ilektrakaratasiou3352]

I get you. I'm so sorry for the time and pain I spent in the last 5 years of my life when it could have been the nicest part of my life....I had enough of my in laws. Everytime I get worse anxiety to the point of suffering psychosomatic symptoms like strange stabbing pains, difficulty breathing, memory loss, can't concentrate or listen to others. Can't focus on anything I do. My joy and motivation is rock bottom and stress superhigh. It is unbearable and I don't want see the again. Plus the extra dental appointments and the cost of them...due to my gums suffering from stress was horrible....

[@ritahemmerly4224]

This is exactly the relationship with my 93yr old mother. So shut down there is no conversation that gets anywhere. Just a lot of lumps under the carpet!!

[@bunnibunni667]

I cannot stomach this behaviour, its actually making me want to stay away from my partner. he does it too often.

[@insightdesignusa]

I stonewalled my fragile narcissist because anything I revealed came back to hurt me, no conflict ever got resolved and communication was manipulation.

[@macnchessplz]

You probably “grey rocked” . Stonewall is punishment or for control. Grey rock is no conversation for your own preservation.

[@TruthAboutLies]

Not everyone shuts down because they don't know how to handle conflict. When in an abusive relationship, you are told to walk away. And you should. No contact can give you your life back. Often abusers don't want to solve problems. They thrive off conflict. Therefore, not engaging in a discussion with them is best. Then, the abuser accuses the abused of stonewalling.

[@GothicKitty22]

Thank you. I was watching this, thinking, "I have to do this or I'll be involved in another emotional attack. I don't do this with anyone else. It's only the one I have to communicate with who will at any moment find a way to abuse me if I'm not guarded."

[@tucky3191]

All it takes is simple communication about what you’re doing. “I’m walking away now” etc. to not be considered stonewalling.

[@abkerrye1]

OMG IM LIKE SCREAMING OVER HERE!!! VALIDATION!!!!!!!! You need to be able to validate to have a healthy relationship. Period.

[@SS-in1ts]

I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship with validation, I had to learn that I need more than validation.

[@rainbowneal4603]

... when l was younger, l was very positive, but quite self-unaware, & so eventually attracted a narcissist, whom l struggled with for far too long ... until l finally learned, to escape !!! ... l now distance myself from anyone who doesn't 'play fair' or communicate honestly ... now l am devoted to universal love ... but absolutely not romance ... even the thought of romantic involvement, the enmeshment, the co-dependency factors required & involved in these situationships ... makes me cringe, & reminds me of 'junior high school mentality' !!! ... completely in the dark ... but by becoming aware, the abuse cycles ended, & now l have paid my karma in full ... l now live in beautiful freedom, tranquility & peace ... from the agony of foolishness !!! ... & for u to be truly happy, too ... escape just as fast as u safely, quietly, & financially possibly can ... & do it permanently !!! ... (-_-)

[@YellowJelloXD]

you're such a beautiful and strong woman, stephanie! thank you for making videos! they've truly helped me during the hard times in my life

[@MysticButterfly22]

Thank you Stephanie you have allowed me to heal and educate myself on emotional abuse and narcissism. I never understood this negative and toxic behavior till I left my Ex Narcissist who did these tactics on me for yrs.

[@TashaAnder]

I am currently living this with my soon to be ex-partner. Stonewalling is emotionally abusive, and it gives no room for resolution or reciprocity. Coming from a childhood full of emotional neglect, this has been extremely damaging to me and has completely opened up old wounds that I am now seeking therapy for. I have never seen someone literally seen him shut down when anything emotionally comes up. He doesn't know to communicate his own emotions so I know mine can't be understood. He can't talk to me in person but wants to act like we are old buddies once he is a good distance away. I had him go get tested and he came up positive for having Aspergers.....I have to focus on me and my kids. He is a grown man

[@elipotter369]

What Ihave found even harder is the more covert stuff like: "yes, yes, I agree with you". But then it's distressing and confusing until you eventually realise that is just a tactic and their bad behaviour isn't going to change. In the past, it took me ages to work out I was wasting my time with someone who just had zero interest in any meaningful connection.

[@greeneyedparadox6609]

Yeah, their saying was "nod, agree and do whatever the fuck you were going to do anyway" i was like, is that how a partnership works? Yes, i did make some decisions with my finances i shouldn't have but it wasn't to the detriment of the whole family.

[@shanecherry5403]

I need a time machine and this video, I go back 20 years and show my 20 year old self this video.

[@donnawoodford6641]

Often when I confronted ex, he would leave the room, out the front door, and return hours later acting like nothing happened. The subject was dismissed by him, and issues could not be resolved by this method. Very unhealthy, one-sided in favor of him.

[@thevorpalone1045]

It is an epiphany. To understand what is un-understandable about someone else and yourself is the work of introspection and self responsibility/self healing/self validation...time passing and growing self love like a plant slowly and carefully helps to see clearer, as does wanting to change unhealthy behavior/points of view while learning as much as possible while you heal. Self discipline is super crucial when dealing with toxic hope, devalue/discard, rumination, depression, no closure, etc. I still smile and treat them with respect, even though it is the final act of the play, I have tried hard to be nice to the end. Not stupid, just nice; sometimes I have to fake nice when I have to..

[@cindydorsett7004]

I gray Rocked The Hubby, After a Super long Discussion on our Relationship: (I’ve had this Conversation with him Multiple Times.) There Is no form of Intimacy. He has ignored me over and over again. I need Healthy not Confusion. Yes. I brought up the no Respect too. I’m DONE.

[@ilektrakaratasiou3352]

I simply had enough and don't want to see certain people any more. I say a genuine joke and they don't laugh. They intimidate and insult us and expect to find it amusing and even loving and expressed out of concern and love!!!! Can you believe that???? I wonder how they would talk to their enemy...

[@oliverschroder3944]

„ I feel insecure and this makes me defensive“ never ecperienced someone saying this. This is Yedi master level, not seen on this planet

[@lornaelizabeth6290]

It’s a real relationship killer- it’s so sad that when you have your first conflict that the whole relationship can be over - due to not being able to communicate authentically and healthily! If neither parties or one of the parties can’t communicate healthily it can cause a push and pull dynamic- which is very unhealthy and sabotages everything! - as I have just come to realise! Despite my best efforts- and then finding myself being sucked into old patterns after becoming triggered myself due to unhealthy communication! A big no no for me! x thanks for sharing x

[@Mereship]

This is exactly how I feel right now. It’s heartbreaking.

[@nickbargas7352]

Great advice. Learning these communication skills and understanding how they affect you and how others are affected allows you to become not only a good communicator but a good listener. Developing the skill of being a good listener and taking the time to process the information is not an easy skill to master especially if emotions are involved.

[@StephanieLynCoaching]

100% because we have been programmed to be reactive to our ego and emotions. It is about slowing down yourself to be able to do this. Just takes practice. You got this 💪

[@davethenerd42]

Jesus I almost cried when you said "I don't feel that way but I could see how you could feel that way". My wife has never let me feel like any of my emotions or issues I try to bring up are valid. It's always been exactly like you described. Unfortunately, we never learned how to deal with things in a healthy manner and now we're splitting. I've tried to get her to watch some of your videos, and other great stuff, but she has refused because it makes her feel like she's being criticized and just like you said, she acts all "woe is me, everything is my fault" if there is any obvious amount of responsibility she would need to bear. I'm ready to move on. I just wish there was some kind of emotional boot camp couples could go through at an early stage to know for sure, "ok, I can really trust this person and know they have my back and I know they know I have theirs."

[@monslay5624]

When I married an abusive man and was trying to make my marriage work, a loved one told me "It takes TWO; not ONE". That was a huge eye opener! Keep that in mind. You can do only do so much. You cannot sacrifice yourself because the other person won't work on themself. You only have two choices.

[@jannamartens8066]

I became this way from a lot of abdonment and disappointment and being hurt so much . And avoiding confrontation I just got used to being disappointed and let down by other people that I built up a wall .

[@amandasligar9269]

You were the very first video I looked up...your help with emotional abuse video started my road to recovery. Thank you 🌬💕

[@chesmariefrance]

You look gorgeous! You must be making the most of this quarantine. Just so you know, you are my favorite life and relationship coach. I've learned tons from you. Sometimes, my brain still tricks and reminds me of the happy memories with my toxic ex. That's why I'm working on my positive self-talk and parenting. Thanks to you!

[@startupcapital4266]

For extroverts, introverts silence or not reacting can look like a silently treatment or stone walling. For introverts, over reactions from extroverts looks like attention seeking behaviour, borderline narcissism. Just the way introverts need to use words, and communicate better, extroverts need to know that there is something called nonverbal communication. The problem is not just with introverts but also with extroverts. Just the communication type is different.

[@kusumlata1390]

C'mon. Being an introvert and stonewalling are not same. A lot of extroverts do Stonewalling.

[@Mereship]

Not at all the same. I am an introvert and I stonewalling hurts so badly. I would never do that to someone. Completely separate things.

[@LevelUpYourLife]

Hello dear, this is such an important topic. Communication is so key and it is important to respect each other enough to talk. It is better to be assertive and upfront about your feelings and plans so that you can leave if needed while also letting them know. BLESSINGS and FULL WATCH!

[@HialeahScience]

This is amazing. I learned a lot about my faults watching this quick video.

[@skbains86]

Wow this is so true -when somebody abuses you it is because of their own emotional wounds that they are not dealing with 👍🏽🌿

[@vermiliongourd4619]

That's not always the case. Gaslighters aren't "wounded" they're just have poor tendency to deflect blame.

[@98TxT]

Wow. Thank you! My ex responded with "it is not my responsibility to validate you" about 8 months prior to divorce. I believed it at the time so I blamed myself wanting a response of any kind. I would explain how I felt or what led me to think or do something and I'd even ask her directly with that exact phrase, "can you see why I feel this way?" and sometimes follow it up with "does that make sense?". I would get zero verbal or non-verbal reactions followed by silence of usually 2 minutes. I would open my moth again to try to get some type of progress from our talk. I didn't notice this until several months later (post seperation) when I listened to many of our talks because I recorded them without her knowing. Apparently this is common for someone in my position. I too was trying to figure it all out like you said in another video. Thank you!!!

[@HAL-mu4ey]

Once again I wanna say your an angel and I’m so grateful for your videos

[@samaalabbas]

You are going to be rewarded by the divine consistently for sharing all of this valuable knowledge. You may not know how many people you are helping. Thank you!

[@silverreins3501]

Stephanie Lyn is training us to have a cool calmness for going into battle and surviving.

[@joancollier4488]

A very helpful video to understand how to deal with and to use phrases which can calmly move forward with empathy.

[@earthangel3108]

This happens with so much more intensity when he drinks. He runs constantly and won’t look at me, rolls his eyes, criticizes, blames me for everything!! I love him and he is such a great man sometimes and sometimes for days. He is so invalidating and horrible others. One day I’m the best woman on the planet and the next he thinks I’m the cause of his drinking. I have issues too with jealousy because he makes me feel so broken and I think why wouldn’t that other girl catch his eye. I don’t know what to do anymore. He was a drug addict and alcoholic in the past before I knew him. It seems like he is becoming one again. I think at this point I have to risk losing him so I don’t enable him and also I need peace.

[@nicholesap]

Where do you draw the line between stonewalling and enforcing boundaries by not engaging?

[@aliabettar2468]

Thissss!

[@mysticrain5308]

By communicating that you don't want to talk

[@lorielsa3584]

I've had the experience of people wanting to get into a big confrontation and wanting have a big production over nothing and I get so enraged at them because I like peace and quiet and they like conflict and turmoil. I avoid eye contact and say nothing because I don't want to give them any entertainment. Later on when they're not around, I usually explode. I didn't realize there was a word for what I'm doing.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This question is on my mind too. Do my parents have the right not to discuss something? They hurt me and have hurt me repeatedly over the years and they've doubled down on their right to hurt me (from my perspective) but I cannot bring them in to a discussion. It's my boundary to step back from them hurting me and stonewalling me, but it's their boundary to step back from anybody ever giving them feedback. Total impasse. But I feel prepared for their death by this. My hopes have already died. It was worse when I cared and still had hope that one day they would discuss it.

[@z1z2z3z]

@@SusanaXpeace2u Everyone has the right to not discuss something, but personally if someone won't apologize or change their behavior, you should move on from the relationship. You can't control them and they can't control you so if the relationship isn't healthy, it's time to move on. Hope that helps.

[@helstonew05]

He lied to me. I should have left but he told me “give me the benefit of the doubt. I know ppl who have lied and they were able to just move on from it. Idk what the problem is” so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He stonewalled me instead of keeping his word-disappeared that night, cheated on me and gaslit and stonewalled me to make me feel guilty for his dishonesty. I was apologizing to him and he was absolutely not sorry and never had any intention of earning my trust back. He hurt me at my most vulnerable. Anytime I reached out, his response was to stonewall and if that wasn’t an option for whatever reason, he’d scream and curse and intimidate me to tears.

[@kirklarsen1207]

You are awesome! I’ve learned this bad communication trait of stonewalling from my past marriage, it’s toxic and unhealthy. I found myself doing this to my girlfriend because of a lack of boundaries with her toxic narcissist ex. I am trying to break this behavior to be better at dealing with it. She can’t see what’s going on with his manipulation and it’s frustrating, So I put up walls. Thanks for all your great videos, learning a lot!

[@elizabethbass3826]

Love it! Great video. There definitely needs to be more education about this to the youth.

[@manderzzz]

Beside the point, your hair looks amazing!!

[@thomasdengel-gx2dk]

Thank you for all the helpful content!

[@dippah1]

Thank you, I think I need to learn/understand empathy more. This is motivating!

[@garyfan6664]

Thank you so much for many of your YT videos, I never even knew there was a word for how my wife more or less slams the door on important relationship conversations. I’m not looking to blame I’m looking to fix a damaged relationship. I so appreciate all of your advise and have learned so much in just a few weeks about myself and my troubled relationship. Thank you again so glad I found you on KZbin.

[@girlsnetworking5363]

My ex is stonewalling me right now. I don’t have time so I blocked him. The whole read my messages and say nothing in response tells me he’s full of it. His communication is a big red flag 🚩 which is not healthy.

[@thelostboyscout1489]

I just went through this with my Xgf. The most inconsiderate behavior I've ever encountered.

[@kusumlata1390]

He is your ex. It's not called stonewalling, it's called healthy boundaries. Stonewalling is way too sinister a thing.

[@goldenhair1981]

I had to live with my ex husband until our house was sold, this was for a year & half and he was like this & it was painful. Only for the fact I needed to for own sanity keep the peace but I was way too nice & patient with him. Never again will I let a man like that into my life

[@katereaves8710]

Thank you so much; I have learned so much in the past year-and-a-half listening to your videos. I wish you did live events!! You would rock it!!

[@StephanieLynCoaching]

It will happen 💜 thanks for your support!

[@erikaarnold4780]

Off topic, sorry...but you are so pretty. Lol...On topic...This is a really REALLY important subject. The older I get, the more important I realize it is, and the more I try to get better. Thanks for this!!!

[@seanj11421]

It is often the case we find this pertinent information AFTER we’ve suffered the abuse we’ve suffered. The key is, as life does go on providing our time on earth isn’t up, is to identify these behavioral dysfunctional tactics from dysfunctional people and address it immediately. This emotional abuse can drive a person over the edge into reactive abuse. That is the narcissist’s goal. Work hard on yourselves. Know when these tactics are happening. Once you’ve educated yourself on this, you’ve given yourself a punchers chance in the fight (not literally).

[@itsgracehui]

this. is spot on. TY Stephanie.

[@ElainaWilliams994]

It's happening to me right now between me and a male friend. When I was actively hanging out with him, my mistake was admitting to him that I liked him more than a friend. Turned out that he was gay. Instead of communicating to me like an adult, he kind of let me know his preference in an encrypted-like way on social media. Instead of sticking around and trying to make the friendship work, he started running. He failed to realize was that I accepted him for who he was & valued his friendship. Since I already deal with anxiety & depression, his behavior towards me made me feel worthless and once again, unwanted. After admitting my feelings, our friendship started to fade. It's all my fault though, because I should have noticed the red flags a long time ago. For example, he invited me to see live music, baseball games, out to eat etc., and I would go. However whenever I invited him to go places with me, he would decline. I remember that I enjoyed being with him, but in a way it was like walking on eggshells. I recall the last time we went out. We went to a concert. Afterwards on the way back to the parking garage we were discussing traveling. He mentioned that he was going to New Orleans. As a friendly gesture, I brought up that we should go on a road trip one day. He responded to me by throwing up his hands like he was aggravated by me asking. I don't even remember what my immediate response was to him, but i drove off feeling bad for even asking him an innocent question. When i look back on the friendship, I know that he was using me for supply. At this point I'm tired of his behavior. As of the beginning of this month I've started to ignore him as well.

[@Werewolf0216]

Where do you draw the line between “stonewalling” and “boundary”? Because I have been stonewalled by a friend who says she doesn’t want to talk about a problem that occurred between us, but she believes she has a boundary where if she doesn’t want to talk she doesn’t have to. But though I am certainly willing to be accountable for my part in the conflict, I believe objectively she does have a little more part, so it just seems she is putting up a, well, stone wall, so she doesn’t have to look at anyplace she should be accountable too.

[@sarahmatas9426]

Very good question!

[@strongerbythesecond]

Conflict Resolution is difficult at times. If your friends has learned that it infuriates you when she mentions she does not want to talk about it, then she is stonewalling ( Passive Aggressive Control ). If you allow this to upset you, she may see this and use this technique to control you emotionally. If you are not effected by her choice to stop the conversation then, she may not have the confidence or coping mechanism or feel safe enough to voice her opinion. Create a safe environment for her to share and you'll find these conversation will flow uninhibited and more frequently.

[@StephanieLynCoaching]

Good answer!

[@Werewolf0216]

StrongerByTheSecond well I think she stonewalls mostly as a defense mechanism because she has experienced a lot of abuse in her life and has CPTSD severely. And actually we have been friends for 9 years and were romantically involved early years but she went on to get with 2 abusive guys since me (I’m the only non abusive guy she’s been with). This last abusive guy she left him and came to me for help. We became involved again but then she went back to him and now acts like I’m the bad guy and refuses to talk to me when actually she has a trauma bond to him. So seems she can only rationalize her rejection of me, someone who would never harm her, by making me bad whilst she is with a truly bad guy. But I know having sensitive conversations scare her because she’s afraid they will escalate.

[@DaveG-kb2sr]

@@Werewolf0216 Leave this girl behind, she's using you. How do you know for sure the other guys were abusive? It might be true, but it may also be something she says to garner sympathy. She may have even described you as abusive to them. When you find you're there for someone when they need you, but they can't or won't be there for you - as hard and painful as it might be - detach. You're probably right that she has justified and rationalized you as the bad guy. It makes it easier for her to justify treating you like crap. Speaking from experience. Do not pursue or contact her.

[@karenenglish8732]

Sadly i do not know how to handle conflict most times so yes i will shut down and stonewall in hopes that he walked away instead of continuing to scream and hit me... its a sad circle

[@sittaraatayee3889]

This is the same situation I am in it’s to protect myself and not get emotional and to his level when he behaves this way. This triggers him so much. He will start to threaten me, intimidate me and gets worked up and raises his voice of me. I tell him many time calmly to stop. It’s kills him that he can’t see me emotional or break down.

[@sittaraatayee3889]

Im so sorry you have to go through that please work on yourself and find a way out. Do what it takes every day to find your happiness and to find an escape from this person. Sending love of love to you ✨💗

[@karenenglish8732]

@Bailey Vaughan thank you. I am grateful he left, he did it to teach me a lesson and regrets it now because now that he is gone I have time to work very hard everyday to not take him back as he is wanting to.

[@karenenglish8732]

@@sittaraatayee3889 sadly very similar to what i was going through, thankfully he left and now the hard work to keep him away and work on me. I have a new saying though I hope it helps you from Fearless Soul, "its not happening to me, its happening for me" to teach me how strong i am and that some things i need to work on to become a better me like dealing with SLDD, self love deficit disorder by Ross Rosenberg.

[@karenenglish8732]

@@sittaraatayee3889 ahhhhhhh thank you so much, hope you are also safe and able to get away, its the hardest thing i have ever done but its also the best thing.

[@CM-zf3id]

Stephanie is a beauty speaking the truth , and looks like she practices what she preach , want to know what’s her regiment for self care

[@carolines6798]

My partner isn’t interested in discussing anything or working together towards a solution. There is literally no moment or nothing I can say to get him on that level of communication. It feels like he just wants me to agree with him and is bit interested in listening to an alternative. If I push he ignores me then I get angry and act like the crazy one. I feel lonely as I can’t connect to him on any level other than superficial. I think it’s hopeless and have talked of ending it but all he says is that I am giving up because I don’t get my own way??! I am beyond frustrated and miserable ☹️

[@msliberated3899]

Crazy making

[@ML-rr7gn]

He’s not ready to leave you but the time will come when he’ll decide it’s time to go. Don’t waste your time, respect yourself and walk away, eventually he will. Take care.

[@moshenewsletter4620]

You sound just like me

[@bonniehafeman9757]

Thanks for sharing. You are appreciated.

[@gratefultammy]

Thank you so much for this teaching . Super good 👍🏻💜

[@noelharvey7232]

The person I deeply loved stonewalls me and gives me silent treatment for four years.

[@AvitalR88]

100%!!!!!!! people did it to me so many times and made me feel im angry or start figthing while i cared.

[@eliefranko2132]

I recently discovered your videos and wanted to say thank you. I ended a long term marriage about 3 year ago and I was really spinning my wheels in my personal growth....i was really stuck....was searching for something but sidnt know where to get what I needed. So thank you. Very helpful that I can turn on one of your videos and really connect to what you are saying.

[@coachgpodcast]

Thank you so much for all the videos that you’ve done. I stumbled upon your channel accidentally when I was just looking for some resources. Right now, with all the COVID-19 stuff going on, some of the counselors that I have reached out to Fall. I grew up in foster care and I was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. I am going through a marital separation and without going into a credible detail, I was married to somebody who is a narcissist who gaslights, is narcissistic, and is codependent. I watched many of your videos because I wanted to learn about those issues in detail; but, I also wanted to make sure I confirmed my suspicions. Also, I looked at videos in regards to: standing up for yourself, emotional abuse, and narcissistic tendencies. These videos have really helped and I would be very interested in learning about some of the coaching services that you provide.

[@chelseabunker2391]

This was my ex husband to a T. If I pushed him to engage, he got nasty to me. Turns out he is an Avoidant attachment type that wanted nothing to do with our marriage.

[@greeneyedparadox6609]

Yes, i am very outward with most of the stuff that i am thinking about or planning. Feelings was really hard to get and know since my family raised me that males can't be sensitive. I am very sensitive. Well, the ex partner was passive aggressive, hypervigilent, silent treatments, guilt tripping... so i would argue against and defend myself. I digress, yes understanding your partner's communication style is very important.

[@kallyritter1006]

My narc MIL has been stonewalling me since July and i can’t begin to tell you what a negative effect this has had on the relationship with my spouse and the entire family. It’s made birthdays and holidays so complicated that i dread their existente and everybody is walking on eggshells. She knows exactly what she is doing and even though i know she is a narc i still feel like I’m guilty of something.

[@Red_1976]

Stay strong. She knows very well what she is doing.

[@Leslie-n3q]

Love listening to first time I'm on this channel

[@wanfel4]

Ive learned alot of this in 12 step work.. understanding that its not my job to judge others for their failures to learn because i was so unaware myself for so long. I can honestly say i have no ill feelings toward any ex had. I played a role in all of it. And now its my responsibilty to find the things within me that set the ball rolling. Who would of thought 🤔🤗

[@matilda4406]

that was wonderfully explained, insight is the key. Thank you

[@sincityquinn]

The mother of my children used all of these tactics. Gaslighting (and when I provided evidence of her gaslighting she would say i was using her words against her.) “Listening For” not listening to. Stonewalling. Baiting. Passive Aggressiveness. Projection. And the kicker is she acts like she doesn’t do it.

[@andyhill3964]

Hi Stephanie, I appreciate your advice on unhealthy relationships behaviors. And I agree. My challenge in whole accepting your views is thinking then that I am capable of change, but the other not. To give up on another’s ability to get ownership of their wounds is to also then give up on my hope to have ownership of my past trauma. How do you protect yourself but also have compassion for the other?

[@allyblucher3645]

Didn't even know I was doing this till I watch this thank you

[@FreshAFUpcycle]

I learned how to communicate by having a sibling I'm so glad bc my mom was a stone wall PERIOD

[@embracedchimera5886]

men if you want to keep the woman, this is no joke. im a woman already packed. women cant stand silence. its evil. its so so childish. i was engaged and wanted even to marry him. now im done. there is a point where it snaps. and the love dies. the fight in me (constant talking to address one small issue) was me holding on. now I laugh. I feel nothing for him. not even pity anymore. nothing.

[@peterreed9566]

Am I to suppose that you are perfect and don't do anything in a relationship that is evil. I suggest if you answer yes to my question, I'd suggest you are a liar. Women and men both utilise techniques to maintain control and/or feel safe. Yet when men do this it's down to toxic masculinity and/or misogyny. But when women do this it's considered to be OK. Double standards I believe.

[@inspiredx3866]

Took me a lot of reading, watching youtube and prayer to realize. Its not personal...it really is a issue with them. Being empathetic...we take it personal,, but be strong dont overthink, and decide what youre willing to put up with. Especially if they admit they have these issues. But they have to change and work on it themselves. You cant fix them..and dont try.

[@keithfreeman5840]

Very good information, and very helpful. Thank you.

[@RC-ey4gm]

Too many thin-skinned people nowadays. I really do think that people who can take constructive criticism without becoming eternally wounded AND don’t scapegoat, lie, belittle are the strong people.

[@downhomegirl5]

I most recently discovered by my own research on his behavior that he is a dismissive avoidant. He had 2 bad parents, narcissist & a abusive childhood where he was abandoned. 3rd time he ghosted me, I told him it would not be tolerated any longer as I express the hurt it causes. I went no contact. He has not reached out or apologized, everytime this behavior happened it was based around vulnerability. Very sad, lots of Love for him.💔🙏

[@buzzingbee9499]

My ex narc when I would try to resolve something that He did He would talk over me. When it was my turn to talk He would walk away and say I dont want to argue with you. Never ever a calm talk or resolve to anything and I would try to explain to him if I did something wrong I will try to fix it but I was just talking to a wall.

[@TheTalisman515]

Great and helpful tips thanks for sharing !

[@How.Dare.You.]

Great, I had a toxic dynamic in my past relationship. Id get really angry and he would stonewall and become defensive or dismissive every time Id try to communicate my needs followed by withdrawal of affection. It was an awful dance that ended in a breakup. No argument was ever resolved. Stonewalling at age 30+ and a handful of failed relationships shows simply immaturity and stupidity. Pity

[@bonniehafeman9757]

It is all about how to respond to the world... Thanks. Amen.

[@rdripps1]

This has nothing to do with anything, but you have the most beautiful eyes😍

[@DS-ug5yu]

She's a beautiful woman!!

[@helenhingston2661]

This is not applicable to someone who stone walls because they don't communicate and shut down, you can never understand why they react the way they do, you can never fix any issue because they don't tell you. My partner used to say things like, "You'll know when you upset me" and "I like to keep you on your toes" and "You'll know how to get around me." But of course I never knew WHY I had upset him, what I had said or done and sometimes what I hadn't said or done because he would not communicate this to me. You literally end up walking on eggshells never really fully understanding what has triggered the stonewalling.

[@Mereship]

Oh wow that is so abusive. Im sorry.

[@ghostghost7067]

This isn't always a bad reaction. Some people just don't get it. The clingy ex who doesn't accept you've dumped him and keeps calling. The person who has no interest in your opinion, only them imposing their opinion on you and wants to argue until you agree. Stonewalling and ghosting in the eyes of the "victim" can often be the case that they didn't listen to you and only hear things they want to hear. Be healthy. Say your piece once. If they don't listen then walk away

[@boop5287]

You’re missing the point. This is a lack of conflict resolution. Not ending a relationship

[@techniteazyceomaynardmorga5608]

It is always a bad reaction within a relationship. She is not talking about somebody who can't take no for an answer or an ex

[@biancapacheco8497]

Thank you, Stephanie !!

[@flamingo690]

I am experiencing what I think is a very sneaky form of stonewalling in which there is a serious problem, and when I ask the person in question to talk about it, she will reply with a deus ex machina scenario, tell me everything is resolved and not to worry and that all is well, when all is absolutely not well.

[@TinaSellsLasVegas]

If someone is to busy for you then that is your answer to how they feel.

[@patriciaeverard6537]

I think your very clever and I find your videos helpful.I have been stone walled and it's not a nice experience.