Steven Willis - Instead of a Suicide Note, I Wrote This

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Steven Willis, performing for #theoneactseries.
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Button Poetry is committed to developing a coherent and effective system of production, distribution, promotion and fundraising for spoken word and performance poetry.
We seek to showcase the power and diversity of voices in our community. By encouraging and broadcasting the best and brightest performance poets of today, we hope to broaden poetry's audience, to expand its reach and develop a greater level of cultural appreciation for the art form.

[@wreckitremy]

"but really the fear, of getting the dosage wrong" this is something I have been trying to express for years

[@isabelg7085]

Same here. People just don’t understand it.

[@margied8561]

Oh my...heartstopping😢❤

[@justmai2476]

"Nobody ever survives a suicide You just gain a suicide attemp" YESSSS

[@wallyscholtz1215]

Could not be more true

[@randomunicorn1791]

If you’ve ever felt like this, i’m glad you’re still here. This poem is something i needed tonight

[@Hmza92]

I feel like this everyday 😔

[@sarahgrice3504]

Thanks ):

[@4411shady]

I’m glad you’re still here as well. Stay here.

[@zaitaancuta3844]

I need help

[@eveh3028]

@@Hmza92 I'm glad you're here. God bless your sweet soul.

[@iansmith7969]

The pain. The passion. The emotion. The delivery of this poem. I NEEDED this. I love you all.

[@ButtonPoetry]

You are so welcome Ian! Thank you!

[@barihubbard3751]

“The courage to take my own life came as an impulse”. I’ve been looking for a way to describe this feeling for almost a year now. Thank you.

[@Lauragreat913]

“It’s the fear… of waking up… of getting the dosage wrong” “Nobody ever survives a suicide, you just gain a suicide attempt” “Since when have you known the suicidal to have such egos?” Yes. Hard relate.

[@jaidebrooke5946]

Living in a body with a mind that wants to die, Doing the expected life things. Asked in an interview where you see yourself in five years and knowing that "dead" is not the answer they looking for.

[@rachelmcguire6739]

Heartbreaking and beautiful.

[@eveh3028]

It's when they ask where you think you'll be in the future or what your goals are, and I'm just thinking, "I thought I would be gone a long time ago, I'm still sitting with the shock that I'm alive. And thank my God for keeping me here and reminding me I have a purpose. But sometimes I feel like staying alive becomes the bare minimum for most people, but for others it's a battle they face every single day and no one knows it. I think I, we, should feel content with being alive, not worrying about the goals or future, because guess what interviewer? I've already exceeded my wildest dreams, those of moving forward, and I deserve to feel so accomplished and proud of that." Anyway that came out longer than I thought it would be but I like it so I'm leaving it. God bless you all, He's got a plan for you and a reason for every struggle.

[@TheCombatBard]

The truth of this is so fucking painful. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you know this pain. That anyone knows this pain, myself included. I'm so sorry. I'm proud of you for writing this. I'm proud of you for feeling this. For the bravery of writing this. For the honesty of putting your pain into ink. I'm proud of you for being here. I'm proud of you for being here even when you don't want to be here. I'm proud of you for being here, even when you don't want to be. You are here. You are in pain. You are. And I am so proud of you for that. I hope you find a reason to want to live. I am still struggling with grasping mine. It flickers and fades quickly, though it always seems to return (sooner or later-- usually later and for much too short a time). I am so proud of you. I am so, so proud of you.

[@cottoncandy4174]

I'm jealous & proud of the ones who have a reason to want to stay ! 💯

[@elenasolonnikov4716]

Thank you for writing this ❤ it's so hard right now and I don't know what to do. This is like rain on my mind.

[@GurenSuzuki]

One of the best performances I've ever seen, this guy is amazing, the whole poem resonated so much with me

[@NiteOwl2000]

"An impulse to be pulse-less An adrenaline rush of all the audicty it takes To play the Fates in your own Greek Tragedy." This part gave me goosebumps. Really glad this channel introduced me to Steven and I can’t wait to read more of his work.

[@NatashaLeecole]

An impulse to be pulse less One last jump to conclusions 🤯😩

[@kealebogakamodi3348]

the delivery it is just overwhelming and now i understand am not alone who feels this way

[@chrishouston968]

I am literally bawling. I relate to every single word.

[@barenakeddrummer]

I'm laying on my floor in tears, with these exact words running through my head, and this shows up in my feed at the same time. This is beautiful. ❤

[@wiktorianewska2539]

I'm glad he was brave enough to do this performance

[@missforever2802]

Someone finally put what I wanted to say into words

[@mohmmadyousaf8781]

same

[@cottoncandy4174]

💯

[@ganjagoober]

this really makes me want to get back into writing. his entire soul was in this piece. chills is an understatement.

[@taylynnweldon547]

He is saying what i feel everyday. He is saying what the voices in my head say....

[@foreverxo8693]

WOW…”Since when have you know the suicidal to have such egos? It’s rich men who leave wills, it’s terrorists who leave manifestos, It’s activist who leave an ethos. All of which you the living will argue over but us, the brave, we, the suicidal, we leave you nothing but this body”

[@onyxalyx6065]

I wanna give Steven Willis and everyone in this comment section a hug. I'm here.

[@myiamccullough]

The simple fact that you summed up the 17 yr depression of my 19yrs baffles me, because you said everything I was feeling that I couldn’t even voice. This video has never failed to find me when I’m at my lowest and another battle has begun in the war

[@jaamesfn]

I couldn’t breathe and then I breathed with this human. Wow. Thank you for your honesty, art is how we stay alive; even when it fucking hurts every day. We are alive. We are hopeful, we are still here.

[@poet2681]

WOW. Thank you Steven for writing this and speaking it with such emotion. I feel less alone in what I am battling whenever anyone shares their own experiences . I've written a few poems myself on what it's like to feel Suicidal and struggle with being here . Thank you for being here and sharing your heartbreakingly beautiful poem . I appreciate you.

[@samanthaoconnor1982]

My uncle was brave enough in Jan 2012. RIP Uncle Dave...miss you like crazy...

[@vitki_thorson]

Leaving a note is leaving guilt. More guilt. The “I’m sorry” that makes them feel worse. “What could I have done” that will ring forever in their mind.

[@neerajtiwari5365]

Is "what could I have done" something written in the suicide note, or something the loved ones of the person who committed suicide will keep thinking for the rest of their lives?

[@lauriesmith4575]

"The myth of the suicide note was made by the living to absolve themselves..." I couldn't agree more.

[@user-lg3yn3yn6h]

I've felt this way for years, this left chills hearing it outloud

[@Undercover_Pineapple]

As someone who has been actively suicidal very recently and passively suicidal most of the remainder of the time for 25 years of my 38, I hear this with my heart. As someone who lost their best friend to suicide only 7 months ago, I have to tell people that this is the worst thing to ever happen to me. The worst trauma I've lived through and I have a lot of trauma. Losing someone with whom you connect more than any other human in your life and not being able to get them back this time is one of the things that has prevented me from ending my life when I genuinely couldn't cope with being here anymore. Knowing the intense impact this has had on so so many people. Knowing that over 100 people came to their funeral or watched it livestreamed. Knowing the finality of what it would destroy in others. I can't put my loved ones through the pain I feel losing my best friend. Finding them dead and knowing they were in the same building as me, up one flight of stairs, all night. Feeling like I failed them because they weren't able to reach out to me this time... There will be a time when things are easier. Even if brief. There are joys in living. Even if most of the time it really feels like I'm completely alone... especially now. I'm only alone if I allow myself to die. I won't be here to embrace the small moments of reprieve and I would be selling myself short by not seeing what might come next in life for me and those around me. Having two cats has been the one barrier to ending my life at times. They're rescues and they need me like no human does. It's helped me personally to feel too guilty to leave them. They love me. I love them more. You are worth fighting for. You are never alone while you're still here.

[@rachelmcguire6739]

Thank you.

[@ambergee1918]

I lost my brother to suicide , and you are right it's whose who stay behind that really suffer . SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!!

[@neerajtiwari5365]

Wow! Thank you sooo very much for writing this! I also suffer from suicidal thoughts and have severe trauma and some other mental health issues, so this was really helpful to me. If you don't mind, could you tell me if you have a blog or social media account where you post your thoughts?

[@meganwoehl5277]

As someone who attempted suicide for the first time in 4th grade and as someone who lost their father in law to suicide last year, I understand all of this and still resent it. I never understood the gravity of taking your own life until I saw our family try to pick up the pieces afterwards.

[@nathanrobinson3208]

I am so moved that this beautiful being, put the words bravey and suicide together. So many people say suicide is the cowards way out, and that has always disgusted and saddened me. It takes a real lack of empathy and understanding to not see suicide as the ultimate act of rectifying a pain that is so unbearable. I am profoundly grateful I am still here after many suicidal endeavors, but he is right, you gain another failed attempt, and you take that with you. Thank you for your bravery, Steven Willis. Much love to all that are suffering through, to another day.

[@Jason-fx6pb]

he gets me he gets me he gets me he gets me he gets me

[@lexi2046]

i’ve been saying for years i’m not alive because i want to be i’m just not bold enough to follow through yet

[@idkusername2981]

That *FUCKING END IT* broke me

[@soliloquiesbyshailja5416]

This is so intense and relatable, each and every word from the beginning to the end. ❤️

[@larau1474]

Wow! Thank you so much for expressing this so honest and pure. Fucking truth felt by hearts.

[@tonithetiger3757]

I needed this tonight. I’m holding in my tears because finally, finally someone was able to put to words how I feel.

[@NatashaLeecole]

This delivery is👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽

[@Eghma]

a message in sick calligraphy.... written in the lines...

[@msblair327]

I know damn well this man dont have me over here crying. I dont know what to tell you. If i should tell u to go or stay. But stay... i hope u stayed

[@moeblackx]

some people are so talented it is unreal. thank you for this, so gorg

[@sanchiadawson3357]

Im so glad that I came across this very real representation of my brave journey.

[@xdali8792]

I wish every single soul could hear this poem

[@wtf.iswrongwithella]

Steven has always been such a powerful voice. It's nice to hear something that shakes up my countenance every now and again

[@skyluxeh]

I never thought I'd come across something in which every line just resonated with me. I have always been able to relate to a lot of poetry, but never this much.

[@fireball5898]

I understand what he is saying all too well. But at the same time my daughter has used the not brave enough term towards her own thoughts. I don’t want people that commit suicide to feel brave committing the act, I want them to feel brave in finding help. I do truly understand his point but I believe Not following through is what Brave is.

[@abbycaplinger]

wow. holy wow. this hit close to home. steven is incredibly talented. wow

[@alexshulman8252]

This was truly beautiful and haunting. I have no words.

[@kianamacharia7935]

there is so much emotion in his voice, every freaking poem omg

[@chompytv8591]

Thank you for having the strength and clarity to articulate this complex emotion. You are not alone.

[@patriciasaldanha25]

Steven Willis, thank you for penning down the thoughts that terrify me. Thank you for this poem!

[@maggiereid2865]

Oh that hit a spot in my head that needed it😭

[@GooniesGirl]

No truer words have been spoken. That hit hard. Just wow. 🥺👏👏👏

[@bgphoenix0775]

This encapsulates so many feelings but genuinely hope he's okay!

[@kenk4269]

Powerful.💯

[@duckb0at575]

wow, this is such an amazing powerful poem

[@michael-reneegodfrey6554]

Having 5 "notches" of my own, I must say that THIS IS THE BEST EXPLANATION OF OUR PAIN I HAVE EVER HEARD! Thank you, Steven Willis, for being brave enough to speak the sugar-free truth of our existence!❤

[@inezj1310]

I've always connected with Steven Willis poetry, but... this time, i felt this deeper than my bones. WHAT A POET 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@ButtonPoetry]

Love that!

[@sherrybogan6740]

Wow brother, l felt that 😢…..l too know all of that shit. It doesn’t get easier, just easier to go through the motion of life and fake it. Lately, l don’t give a fuck about much of anything…that in itself is a freedom.

[@getoffmygrass4857]

and all i want is to be happy that I'm alive, but something inside won't let me.

[@jasminetiller9712]

oml this is so good and the lines!

[@elleneawesumnes]

Feels like the first time someone understands ...

[@aworldwithnoend82]

Well. If this ain't me 😭

[@lunaticpng]

this made me cry

[@Chloe-dv9hf]

“i don’t wanna live with that okay? shit, i don’t wanna live”

[@praisevandeh52]

So much emotion ❤️❤️🔥🔥

[@DLWhitePoetry]

Wow. I felt that in every part of me.

[@MEETHOPEBEINGHOPE]

Damn this hits, every single line hits so hard. Hmmmm life....

[@faithmckenzie1127]

This is so powerful

[@ramsay2234]

Stick around. We need writers like you. I need writers like you.

[@zamahsithebe8458]

I felt this in my soul❤

[@sav1988]

I thank you so much for putting this out into the world

[@liahrenee941]

I love button poetry’s performances ❤

[@michelledeleon7129]

Someday soon I’ll be ‘brave enough to do it this time’ 🤞

[@Elizabeth-yy8jw]

I hope you stick around. You deserve love, even when you think you don't. I'm rooting for you ❤

[@TheRetroWoman80]

I felt this so deep.

[@sisterimprov]

god. this here. this is it. thank you.

[@allisoncarrigan8223]

Thanks!

[@nikooriii]

an impulse to be pulse-less

[@fuegoredlego]

I needed to see this. I just lost my uncle and have been contemplating ending it too. Thank you.

[@antoineharris1037]

Keeping you in my prayers. Just know you are worthy of life even on your worst day

[@Ralphies_Mom]

amazing

[@tasneemmohamed9400]

This made me cry 😢

[@ButtonPoetry]

Thank you for commenting and telling us how this impacted you! Much Love!

[@oStuffx]

Steve Willis is one the greatest of this generation

[@brandihein5585]

Just...yeah. I hope writing this brought you some peace, writing always did that for me when I could do it. I wish you more times it's further back in your mind than forefront...cause I feel like it's never really entirely gone.

[@TheM1lkMan...]

“I was brave enough to do it this time” really got me

[@Deadgurl717]

This could have been me speaking these exact words ..😢😢😢 best one Ive ever heard . Jesus Christ 🥺🥺

[@Freedomrings4433]

This is IT! Man!

[@vidsbymarie5406]

Thankyou

[@em-b3856]

Holy. Shit.

[@cynhanrahan4012]

Damn, man. Thank you for the real. It's real. Goddamn. Yes.

[@wildchild574]

His face tells it all

[@icsgabrielo]

we leave!... respect!!

[@lunardruidcyprian6572]

BRAVA!

[@CandaceChentel]

“The fear of waking up” if I fuck up my own suicide I may have to do it again so I wouldn’t have to explain my failure.

[@kenk4269]

I won't do it today.

[@bainiksan]

Brave in correlation with this scares me as I just wrote a farewell note and I am afraid to view it this way, as writing the note actually releived me from the impulse for now, but thank you for this

[@siphe_basi]

Wow 💔

[@KuzemjaAsobuto]

its ok to be you in the moment im not your enemy i wont judge you or hate you when you tell me something and I will take your words for what they are now and you dont have to give a description so i understand i will always atleast try to get you your point your mind your ways your thoughts your ideas everything you dont have to expect me to say anything or disagree or agree with you there are no limits to you you can trust me with your mind your thoughts your ideas you dont have to hold back with me or hide your true self no edits needed or wondering whither i will like it while overthinking your own soul i wont attack it everything you can say will not be looked over or minor but noted all the things you tell me i wont forget no matter what you say it can be anything i wont push that away its incredible thats not an order its a choice yours you can be whatever you say you are and i accept what you will become what you are now and who you choose to be is ok and easy for me to embrace and hear know and see for what it is everything you do is incredible as long as its you you are grand in all ways and i just cant get enough of seeing you for who you are just in case no ones told you that i would you to know your worth Just know to always take your time and normal is fine dont feel rushed by anyone or anything you dont have to hold back on saying things its ok to be you in the moment take your words for what they are now you dont have to worry simple is ok Its ok to be normal the soul defines you always so no matter what you feel or become your soul will always be with you just believe you may feel something in your body saying no but you know who you are trust it and have faith in that without your body what do you have a soul what does your soul need thats here on this planet what do you have to do be what do you have to lose is it important to your life or anothers do you have any regrets what is there to remember cant you feel what do you have to prove without your memories are you stuck you can forget it all one day but the very thing you’ll still have is your life so no matter what happens it will be with you that just goes to show you your worth your life wasnt a mistake and it goes how far you take it so why hold back its ok to be normal have a bad or good day or night and its enough because your still here with us so please for a second look around you breathe a little know learn more as you go on in your life hear things see things with your eyes you define yourself you are who you choose to be you choose its fine to be simple just be grateful your alive and dont hold back on that see it through like water and whatever blocks your path make a new one go and take whatever is given to you keep walking forward move when you say so no one else feel embrace that emotion those feelings dont fight it or react to it or not just know its there dont break for anyone or anything you know who you are dont doubt it no one can see your soul you define yourself because of it you cant forget what you feel because of it its not far away its right there with you no matter what is going on its your life its your choice and its a chance everyone has a chance a choice forgive yourself carry the weights of things you regret understand it consider it be fair be free in feeling and live walk forward and keep going and know everything is gonna be alright ok and have faith and believe it and know that you are gonna wake up in the morning and go to bed at night and dont lose track of that your life or you will forget how important it is and become lost and forget whats right in front of you your life youd be amazed to know how precious you are and worthy as well speak your mind dont be so serious live as and cherish that smile its ok dont be afraid to start over from scratch at least than its real because you can create amazing things when you speak your mind fully without doubt overthinking underestimating holding back you can just be yourself in the moment and thats ok because being alive is enough sometimes you have to let go of the things you want the most to be steady i love to be me in the moment and it feels great to as well so your welcome to give it a try whenever youd like its only fair i love to write i speak my mind thats what i do i keep going until everything is out all at once just so i know i have nothing else to say i just write i can edit take my time come back at anytime i misspell misplace words alot of the time but i do try my hardest to go over it anything you do whenever you find yourself mispelling or misplacing its ok to mess up your fine just the way you are so when you look in the mirror at yourself whenever just know thats your face and there is nothing wrong with it dont doubt it please you dont have keep a guard up accept yourself and embrace yourself anything you say you are worthy one of kind and amazing so please dont try to hard its not a schedule live your life in the moment its ok to start over from scratch you can create great things from your honesty the more you do the less you notice be natural it”ll come im sure dont give up on the path that was given to you I only speak with reflections of myself so its true i cant help i can only give you a push and you must do the walking on your own but we are not that far from the air we breathe in and out you’ll know what to do in time just hold on tight when a path blocks you make a new one see it through like water keep walking no matter what happens your still here to talk about it enjoy that while you can dont get stuck or caught in a loop because thats how you become lost how far are you willing to go to find out how much faith can help you soar to higher places as much as you let it it wont give up on you isnt your life enough proof of that your worth your life being here in the midst of all this crap accept for your life and others what really matters to you deeply its not hard to know only you do move at your own speed and you wont even need to answer that your alive your life matters and you are worth it every breath you take is dont change for anyone or anything you change for yourself you are who you choose to be you choose choose the rest is up to you trust me i know Its a reflection of myself dont break know learn adapt and grow mature and live understand consider be fair be you be natural see hear feel live in the moment for what it is in general and look around and just know that everything is gonna be alright alright and aaaaalrrriiigghhtt life is great and a chance dont throw it away paying it forward i tell you something helpful you tell someone something helpful they tell someone something helpful and next thing you know youve got a line of people by your side its a circle its like saving a life lighting a candle saying we are with you no matter what you do your not alone so take my hand and stand with us together and its all the people you gave a little something to with you no matter how good or bad your life is they would like to make sure you keep your head up every day and night for the rest of your life and wake up tomorrow and so on its just my kindness not a rulebook or an order im just passing the torch because i see the best in everyone its simple try it

[@audreylynn2128]

The bravest thing we can do is survive

[@CheapThrillzz]

Had to pause every so often to take a breath

[@cherylvidal6779]

This hit me hard..

[@ashlynnmcmurtrey3075]

Damn, this one got to me. I am currently crying. My best friend killed himself and it was because he was over-medicated. He told me he was going to kill himself the night he did it. A lot of people blamed me for his death because I didn't tell anyone what he told me.