STOP CHASING SELF-ESTEEM & JUST BE SELF-COMPASSIONATE with Kristin Neff at Happiness & Its Causes 18

[@eversunnyguy]

Self-esteem is greatest sickness ever invented by humans. Unconditional self acceptance is so liberating.

[@ChrisDoyle2112]

her work, along with dr. germer's book, "the mindful path to self-compassion," were really game changers for me, a doubtaholic, a professional self critic and depressed/suicidal person...it all starts with mindfulness and self-compassion! she's much easier to listen to than her colleague, but his book is a must-read!

[@lyvsix]

I ndesperately needed to achieve the smallest ammount of self esteem but I just couldnt do it.... I hate my life, I have bPd, always either suffering from dysthimia, depression or Psychosis, I was addicted to fentanyl for 13 yrs.... ( Got sober on my own just so that I had sth to be proud of, it was a nightmare but I am so hqppy I did it) I had lost all hope. I tried to kil myself in 2014 but this time even if I wasnt suicidal I stopped feeling thirst or hunger, wouldnt bother going to the toilet and let the sensation go away instead of getting the waste out of my body. I was shutting down, I couldnt move nor think from the dehydration so I ended up forcEd into ER. THEN i found her book. And I feel like this approach could be my fucking last resort. I need to love myself asap no matter how, thats my only way to save me from this illnesses, from myself.

[@elin_8400]

I have the same issue.. were you raised by a critical mother?

[@curtisgrindahl446]

The way I say it is "self-compassion is an antidote to shame and self-care a confirmation that we are worthy, loveable, cherished." Love this video. Thanks Kristin.

[@nathananderson8720]

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel 6 months ago about self development. Now I have 574 subs and > 100 hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.

[@krishnapartha]

Keep it up. Don’t worry about the results. You realize people will benefit from your sharing even after your death.

[@nathananderson8720]

@@krishnapartha Whoever you are, I don't know you personally but I can say that you're one of the non-judgmental and open-minded people who is not fixated on tangible or external factors in order to learn from someone like me. Just because someone doesn't have a piece of paper as a credential, doesn't mean that person is not entitled to share personal experiences with the hope & intention to inspire others. Keep up with whatever it is that you're doing to improve mankind or improving your life even to a slight degree each day. This is just one part of a bigger puzzle for creating my KZbin channel about holistic health. I literally could have died back when I was 14 years old due to major depression but here I am right now replying to you, a KZbinr, who's full of fulfillment and dedication to help others to be a better version of themselves. I ain't better than anyone else but my old self. That's all that really makes this KZbin thing more meaningful and enjoyable. Thanks so much for your support! I am hoping that you can join me with this endless personal development journey! :)

[@Simplesimple123]

​@@nathananderson8720 I don't care if you don't have the bit if paper to prove anything. You sharing your story and your courage to begin has inspired me . Thank you !! These things and you being you and doing that is the important stuff in life.. I tip my hat to you 🎉

[@nathananderson8720]

@@Simplesimple123 thank you! That means a lot Recognizing the impermanence of life also gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel. Recently, I uploaded my longest video not too long ago, which is about an hr long and it doubled the number of my subs and watch time hours and most of all, I've been impacting more lives positively and this is the best part of it all. I created this to share my opinion about these main things that truly impacted the way I live and how I became a minimalist. It's the one most vulnerable videos that I had been hesitant to post for many months because of the fear of being misunderstood but I finally decided to overcome that fear so others can learn from my experience so we can all grow together. Remembering my why's is much more important than the analytic growth. Sometimes I get trapped in focusing on any external rewards from this channel to the point that it paralyzes me from taking actions and I think this is what makes most people not even start at all.

[@andradeanita]

I did come to this conclusion on my own and the secret was simple so to put down shame, to refuse shame 🎉 then i love myself more, then i start to believe i deserve and then i stop binge eating and go to the gym because I DESERVE IT. That is self compassion and empathy

[@laineynae7943]

Kristen, you’re a blessing!

[@flosotall3041]

My life has changed forever through watching this video on self compassion. I am so grateful for being educated. Thank you Dr Kristin Neff

[@dr.gbailey]

If we learn to be compassionate ourselves we lay a foundation for growth! Thank you for all your research and work Kristin

[@integralstanley]

I appreciate Kristin pointing out that self esteem is based on thinking we are better than others. Self compassion is based on thinking that we are a part of common humanity. It is an expression of the Christian virtue of humility. This is a beautiful thing.

[@StefanGBucher]

Yikes, I thought my goal with self-esteem was just to feel not worse than others anymore.

[@heartworkbykitty7933]

I love her gentle maternal vibe along with that comforting voice Those are traits that have surely helped her get this info out there

[@CatherineLong-d3u]

Enjoyed this teaching. Lack of self esteem comes from not being held in esteem by a n other, a caregiver. When we practice self compassion we become the caring other.

[@Gothicforever1790]

Another way to reparent yourself! Thanks

[@artman02458]

Guided self-compassion exercise is at 33:50

[@tiffanysar-lecluze5679]

Art M. Thanks!

[@deskreverse]

Thank you Kristin for helping take so much pain away from my like through your book, Self-Compassion. Truly grateful ❤ and hope you're reading this

[@adrianapfranco]

Your research and personal testimony are inspiring and a game-changer on the field of Mental Health Substance Use Disorder. I have an LCSW and have been in the Substance Use Disorder field since 2005 when I change careers from over 15 years as an IT engineer and attended UC Berkeley which open my eyes to an area that I had no knowledge or experience. I feel very passionate about helping people who struggle with substance disorders, anxiety, and depression. I decided to use this video on one of the residential patients' groups. I was given a worksheet, by the coworker who introduced me to your video, for clients to work on and have a post-video discussion. I was surprised at some of their reaction to your video and found myself redirecting their strong emotions about your presentation, and in some cases, you, to a discussion about thought distortions and navigating life as it comes - not "throwing the baby with the bathwater". 40% of the group had an adverse reaction to your comment about the President when you were speaking about narcissism. Even though it was a second blip 40% of the audience got stuck on that comment. As a professional, no matter how strong I feel about my political views, I find it distracting, and at times unethical, to use my platform to promote or vent my socio-economic-political ideology. We need to remember that we are speaking to a wide audience and most likely some of the audience have different ideas than ours. Sadly, for 40% of the group, the information that you shared was lost and the post-video discussion became another topic. I will keep using your presentation and I will present a disclaimer before doing so.

[@QKLIENTE]

@Adriana Franco #Ady. Interesante tu cv. También tu experiencia en estos casos... ¿Cuál es el principal motivo por mostrAr este contenido en tu praxis?

[@adrianapfranco]

@@QKLIENTE El Principal motive es darles a los clientes/pasientes de SUD una nueva vista de su proprio ser y una herramienta para practicar self-compassion counteracting sus proprias exigencias internas de verguneza, juzgarce negativamente, y el castigo personal por sus recaidas.

[@wildhorses6817]

It is educational and important to identify that the person holding the highest office in the USA has a Mental Illness, he is also committing crimes. It is necessary for people to have facts on the behavior of someone with so much power and control. He is a Danger to everyone.

[@adrianapfranco]

@@wildhorses6817 I am in agreement on holding people accountable and responsible for their behaviors. I also believe that there we must discern -- audience, platform, time, place -- and this was not the right platform. BTW, I am wondering if you are talking about the former President, when this video was recorded, or our current President. Both seem to have mental disorders, committing crimes, and placing nations in danger

[@quarteracreadventures855]

Agree. While I agree with her sentiments regarding Trump, the statement was unnecessary, off-topic and alienating. Voicing a political opinion distracted from her important message.

[@MrEmotional33]

6:08 Real self-esteem simply doesn´t have anything to do with a specific kind of social status/worth, achievements or qualities! As long as we interrelate self-esteem or self-love with some sort of scoring system, we are actually not talking about ourselves but only about our role and position in society, and that´s the complete wrong approach! Self-esteem means a form of identity, which reflects a strong, positive and unconditional attitude and self-awareness. We cannot learn to love or respect ourselves by judgement or comparison, that´s definitely not working! Every human creature is unique and he/she should learn to feel and act like this, a unique, precious and wonderful expression of nature or even better, the universe itself!

[@afettene]

That was a great talk! Thank you for sharing! So many gems and really able to apply this during the talk and hopefully beyond. Thanks again!

[@MarkThrive]

22:50 STRENGTH TO THRIVE: by holding ourselves in self compassion during hard times we gain strength...

[@leanneharris1582]

Wow! I had exactly the same experience on a flight with my autistic child - changes in lighting - though from darker to brighter. I even had a flight attendant twice ask me to control my loudly crying child who was so distraught she was intermittently choking. She was in her seat and doing nothing wrong but apparently there had been complaints. I'd seen plenty of dirty looks. My biggest thought was ok, these people are less comfortable because a child is crying and choking. I understand that. Did anyone stop and wonder how u comfortable she must be to be making those noises? Did they think how distraught a person needs to be to cry like that? There seemed to be a total lack of compassion for her. And for myself, did the complainers wonder how it feels to desperately want to take away the pain of your child and feel helpless because none of the usual soothing techniques are working? I only just discovered self compassion through your website. I realise in hindsight that I felt self compassion in this moment. I told myself that we were both doing the best we could in a situation that was extremely difficult for both of us, that neither of us can please everyone all the time (and also that those others got on a public flight with expectations of a private charter experience). I had moments in lockdown of feeling like poor me I have to work a full time job, homeschool and I can't go outside in nature because my child hates it. I did remind myself that it was ok to feel bad and that most people were feeling bad for some reason. I identify that self compassion does always make me feel better and I want to develop more of it. I especially want to help my child develop more of it, because she is now very self critical, easily embarrassed and very self esteem dependent. ***I would really love to see some resources for children if possible.*** Also a question, are those who are very low in self compassion attracted to very high compassion individuals (something the dating example made me curious about).

[@microreactionary6832]

Self esteem will always fail you. Self compassion is eternal.

[@kanguruster]

A powerful story of coregulation with Rowan. Thank you for that.

[@maeazeez1354]

This is the most amasing TED talk i have heard it deservs way more views

[@jenjenpeterson101]

Thank you Kristen for this information and it is going to be very helpful as continue to read your book and do work to be self compassionate to myself and also watch this video again when I need too.

[@abdulrehmanmemon7887]

I m really much impressed the way you have explained the self compassion .. U have have excellent presentation skills.. U have changed whole perspective.. I believed till now that being self compassion will make make me lazy and proscratinate....and prevent me from achieving goals.....even I will finish my meal in two minutes ...to get extra work done ..I was harsh on my self to work hard .., U have changed my perspective really ... How can I have your book .. would like to read it ...

[@DV-dt9sq]

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!!! Thank you so much! 😘

[@sophiakh9590]

Self compassion break ❤️

[@georginaryan382]

Thank you dear Dr Neff , very motivating :)

[@mindfulconfidence4774]

Wow, this is truly fantastic!

[@kaiserjebri]

maame, after i watched this video, like i love you for god sake, what an important content, thank you :) !

[@susanbrown7185]

You are AMAZING

[@MarkThrive]

20:55 Self compassion science base study!

[@davidk3009]

Yea this is the answer.

[@adrianadarocha3253]

Thank you! feeling great after the talk

[@buzzingnoise]

She is smart and stunning.

[@tetrahexaeder6312]

33:08 Absoluetly. Kids with autism are very open to the emotions and stress of their caregivers or other people in general. It is a misconception that autistic people are stuck in their own world on don't interact or perceive what happens around them. Far from it! They are often very sensitive for their environment.

[@esthaltap9499]

Yeeess... Better compassion than self esteem

[@bkirstie]

WHY are we like this? for me, it comes from my mom. she’s extremely critical. do people that have kind moms still like this?

[@fatemeha2767]

Good points!💚

[@Ritzy87]

So how do you start being compassionate towards yourself? Thats the tricky part.

[@elin_8400]

Were you also raised by a critical mother?

[@br00klynnative58]

Talk to yourself like you would your best friend

[@Blessedron1]

Be compassionate to others

[@sohpd1981]

No wonder your self esteem plummeted is because you're getting them from outside your self. A true lasting self esteem comes from within - the knowing that you're enough just the way you are.

[@vanessanorton455]

you actually just described self compassion

[@alleahffrancisco2922]

@@vanessanorton455 hahaha exactly

[@ikillgoliath327]

She is the best example of Self-compassion just in the way she presents herself and speaks in such a kind and gentle caring way. Also when Kristen meets the Personification of Self Compassion, and compassion for his children ( he is the creator) that's going to be one Beautiful encounter the same type of encounter as the ( outcast)samaritan woman Jesus met at the well. 25 The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things.” 26 Jesus said to her,“I who speak to you am he.” REF > John chapter 4 read the whole chapter ty :D

[@marcoslara230]

❤❤❤❤

[@beautyroses8771]

There's nothing wrong with self-esteem. It's healthy to esteem yourself. True self esteem is based on inner self love. You don't have to bash one theory to promote something else. Just talk about self compassion and be done with it.

[@MARAHJE]

Thank you! This makes so much sense.

[@treasurechest2951]

If self esteem gained traction but now she claims it’s harmful, how can we trust that self compassion is now the answer? Research is always changing

[@deno9607]

Because we are learning what works better and we learned self compassion works better than self esteem. If we find something better, great. Or maybe there are multiple paths to the same destination.

[@Janewomanpower]

At 37 minutes: self compassion exercise.

[@MarkThrive]

18:40 self compassion cultivates connection with humanity!❤️‍🩹

[@jamesleon2770]

He's not autistic,he's just a toddler

[@unaluv88]

In lak'ech ala k'in

[@moffmoffie]

i really liked the information and research shared in this video, i found it really insightful but i felt really sad when you kept going on about how autistic kids aren't "normal" and calling your child's overstimulation induced panic attack a "tantrum" really felt upsetting... i'm sure raising a child with autism is difficult, but i suppose because i could understand and relate to the child's experiences it felt a bit invalidating, and i hope that he was validated during those times where things were just too much

[@HopefulTarnished]

Terrible audience, fantastic presentation

[@elainehiggins713]

Trump is not a narcissist. He has the capability to be self-deprecating, a sure sign of not being narcissistic. He is, however, a scapegoat-which is an entirely different subject.

[@WonderTracks]

Why are some more self compassionate than others? Maybe we should we talking about what we're completely powerless against - Our childhoods. Maybe it's just bad luck. Your parents for whatever reasons they had, or didn't have, weren't good. And you can't do anything about that. You were dealt a bad hand. Who becomes homeless, a prostitute, a drug addict? Most likely someone with a shitty childhood. Self compassion isn't built up in a vacuum. Show them some videos of self compassion, I'm sure that'll heal them.

[@Kim-jo8px]

I am not an American and I don't support or oppose Trump. But mixing political choices and science are unacceptable. And all politicians are more or less same. Barack Obama wasn't saint either. Keep Science and politics separate.

[@MuscleGirl420]

What? She like isn’t saying Obama was a saint dude. She is just saying trump is a narcissist. Which is objectively true no matter your politics are.

[@suckkmycandles]

@@MuscleGirl420 exactly. and trump was a celebrity in the media before even becoming president, where he also displayed narcissistic behavior... Kim is probably a trump supporter and got defensive on his behalf.

[@hyperhoopa]

@@MuscleGirl420 It doesn't matter if Trump is truly a narcissist or not. Insulting/attacking him or anyone is not a good look for her even if it was true. She gave off a judgmental attitude, ironically.

[@MuscleGirl420]

@@hyperhoopa of course she was judgmental of a narcissist which is a trait she criticized lmao. its not ironic its pretty consistent.

[@hyperhoopa]

@@MuscleGirl420 Criticizing a trait is one thing, pointing out a person is another. You can criticize obesity as unhealthy, doesn't mean you get to call someone fat because they are.

[@nikiyen6]

Haha butthurt Trumpers in the comments But yeah she should have left politics out if her goal was to reach as many people as possible

[@pauljeand3659]

why did you have to feature President Trump 's picture associated with narcissism .........you just destroyed all credibility

[@Red42829]

Except that he is narcissistic? Whether you believe the man is a criminal shouldn't change the fact that he's got a lot of character flaws. Anyone who isn't full on cult mode can see that he's more than a little full of himself. In fact here are a list of direct quotes from the person you think isn't narcissistic; “I know more about [campaign] contributions than anybody.” “Nobody has better toys than I do.” “Nobody loves the Bible better than I do.” “I’m the king of debt. I understand debt better than probably anybody.”“You know, I’m, like, a smart person.” “I am a really smart guy.” “I’ve been known as being a very smart guy for a long time.” “I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.” “I’m intelligent. Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent.” “And then people say oh, is he a smart person? I’m smarter than all of them put together, but they can’t admit it.” “My IQ is one of the highest - and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” “My two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart…. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star, to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!”"I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me... I would bomb the sh**t out of them." & the one I find funniest : "I think I am, actually humble. I think I'm much more humble than you would understand." -Donald Trump So again, how is he not narcissistic?

[@dkin860]

lmfao i can't thank you enough for this comment. oh my god that is funny. i think my fav is " “I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

[@PeterKoperdan]

@@Red42829 Very funny quotes :-D

[@yehuditchannen5447]

I agree. Sadly typical and unoriginal

[@mwloos1]

True… But at the end of the day, anybody that wants that job has to be extreme on the narcissistic scale

[@tptarh]

Narcissistic

[@Rockafella1861]

I really wish she didn’t bring up divisive politics in this. People are hurting and have a desire for unity. Her president comments do not help her cause but damage her credibility. A real shame, because she could help more people if only she could bite her tongue. Her ego and desire to be liked trumped her life’s calling to help others in that moment. I’m grateful for her research, but disappointed in her in this moment.

[@michaelplace]

Eric Matthews Insane lol

[@rhaenentargaryen9996]

shut up!

[@SuperSilverJay]

I live in the US and she could not be more spot on with trump the narcissist. He is the textbook definition of narcissism.

[@treasurechest2951]

STFU

[@Anto_81]

It was just an example. One second in 40 minutes of speech.

[@holleywhittemore267]

Great information and so informative. But I agree with others why did you have to bring in our president in this discussion. It took away your credibility.

[@cave70]

Actually, Trump needs this more than anyone I can think of. Pointing that out doesn't take away from her credibility, it just states the obvious.

[@rcw93277]

It is a trigger point for a lot of people including me and I found it very distracting and yes, it lowered the professionalism of the talk and made me defensive. IMHO.

[@rhaenentargaryen9996]

shut up!

[@kakao-ze4ct]

MAGA again.

[@atsz.]

I wish you kept politics out of it. There's a reason narcissism is a diagnosed condition, there are many scenarios that can look like narcissism. A true narcissist could never build such a large international enterprise, overcome bankruptcies, and maintain such an estate. Because in order to accomplish that, you would need to trust a lot of people and have confidence in them. Also a true narcissists children wouldn't be so loyal to them. Sure you can imagine up explanations to these things, but chances are it would make you sound ridiculous.

[@mfun503]

It sounds like you don't know hardly anything about narcissists. And Trump just had much of his wealth handed to him. He never built that from scratch. Perhaps you should be honest that the reason you have an issue with her comment is because you are a Trump supporter and you felt personally attacked by her comment which really is a you issue and something you're going to have to deal with and figure out on your own.

[@jerryaranda3641]

Trump 2020

[@benyamin7363]

Trump 2024

[@comfortablynumb6294]

YESSSS!! The One thing that bugged me about this video.... The Trump jab. Wish people would leave their politics at home so we can just enjoy the message without it.

[@sandram.d.6164]

After several years of watching KZbin videos on many different topics I have never left a comment nor have I ever felt so compelled to do so until today. I struggle with self esteem and self compassion and was very much looking forward to watching this video with the hopes of getting some insight. Instead, within minutes I found myself VERY disappointed. Why would you use this platform to show your political bias? I hope that trying to shame the President of the United States of America made you feel better about yourself, Kristin Neff. You've lost all credibility with me.

[@michaelplace]

Wow

[@sentientexplorer]

You have just treated her with greater disdain than she did the US president. People are entitled to their opinions but dont write them off because of it. Are you really going to shut someone down because their beliefs/opinions are different to yours?

[@sandram.d.6164]

@@sentientexplorer Yes. I am. I choose to listen to people that come from a place of love, not hypocrisy. It was obvious to me, maybe not to you, she had an agenda with what she said, and insulting the President of the United States was in very poor taste, like him or not, it's a position to be respected. I expect that from mindless, immature people, not someone I'm seeking advice from on how to improve one's self esteem. For now, everyone has the right to their opinions, myself included. ✌

[@sentientexplorer]

@@sandram.d.6164 Thanks for your reply Sandra. I am not sure its a position to be respected these days. Each leader is as corrupt as the next. We are given the illusion that our vote matters. I believe leader of the so called free world put corporate interests before the people these days.🙂

[@sandram.d.6164]

@@sentientexplorer You're welcome. I agree that our government is corrupt, and has been my entire lifetime. Voting is a joke, especially when they tell us who to vote for. I do disagree with your opinion of President Trump. I don't know where you get your information but I do suggest not getting it from the msm. I respect your beliefs. I honestly do. We're just having a little back and forth, which is good. But, when someone in a position of authority, especially in a forum that has absolutely nothing to do with politics, feels the need to use it to push a bias where no one can counter, I find to be in poor taste. I wish you peace. And, thank you for being respectful.

[@Queef_Storm]

Went to the website and there's no self-compassion test on there?