The pain of hiding your true self | Ruth Clare | TEDxYouth@LGS

Ruth Clare is the award-winning author of the acclaimed memoir, Enemy (Penguin 2016), a book about her experience growing up in a home with domestic violence and an exploration of the psychological impact of war on veterans and their families. As well as working as a copywriter for over a decade, she teaches creative and non-fiction writing, and is a passionate advocate for the rights of children. Her work has appeared in publications such as Meanjin, Elle, The Good Weekend and Better Reading Ruth Clare is the award-winning author of the acclaimed memoir, Enemy (Penguin 2016), a book about her experience growing up in a home with domestic violence and an exploration of the psychological impact of war on veterans and their families. As well as working as a copywriter for over a decade, she teaches creative and non-fiction writing, and is a passionate advocate for the rights of children. Her work has appeared in publications such as Meanjin, Elle, The Good Weekend and Better Reading. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@kubrad.375]

the key point for me in this presentation is: instead of asking what other people think of me if I say that, I started asking myself 'what will I think of myself if I dont say that'

[@calebgutierrez2173]

agreed

[@teresajohnson6258]

Yessss!!!!

[@kaay.baabii3115]

Good point

[@lillianedwards11]

Just commenting to try make this too comment instead of shallow one about looks

[@Kaylaalovee18]

i love this

[@huda8762]

“It is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found”

[@giftphiri6919]

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest achievement. Don't wait for people to come and find you, take your true self out of the hiding and see how your world changes"

[@user-ou7ll9qb9b]

thank you

[@catherineo8689]

in my experience, it's not "the world" that's the issue; it's the internal need to belong. as the speaker says, her friend didn't care about what she had to say. in other words, "the world" does not care enough about what we become to try to make us something else. the world DOES expect conformity, and we conform because we don't want to take risk. that's about all.

[@ayushimathur27]

​@@catherineo8689 yeah I agree

[@dot4207]

@@catherineo8689 If the world expects conformity over individuality, may be the world is the issue as well.

[@Bsarahkristy]

“I kept twisting myself into whatever shape my father wanted me to be.” - this one hit hard.

[@michelsoft9093]

I am 53 now, broken, and only now just realising I sacrificed my Self as a small child. I am in therapy and will Change. There is hope.

[@Yahweh5995]

Hi I'm 20 years old . Your story has motivated me to change while there is still a chance.

[@theemilbarna]

Key point: Nobody cares as much as you think they do. This was a great talk!

[@cereal_qilla]

True story

[@louisavonweiler6594]

precisely, everybody are busy working through to their true selves 👀

[@theemilbarna]

@@catherineo8689 🤣 I see what you did there!

[@user-kx6rv8gw6w]

yeah but sociology says you can't uncare what others think about you, that your self forms from what you guess others think about you. if you are completely isolated, including imagined people, there's no self

[@abby999]

i felt so proud of her when she spoke about her parents - it was so brief and honest, yet she didnt try to hide her feelings about it! i could see her acknowledging her pain and continuing forward bravely - so inspiring ♥️

[@jamiewilliams8107]

Never be scared to be your true self even if it goes against the grain.

[@petesaria-hf1xh]

What grain?

[@user-ng8gm9pb4v]

@@petesaria-hf1xh “go against the grain” is an idiom (figurative language, not literal) it means to go against the masses/majority

[@diamond852]

This is generally only true when you have privilege and don't really need others to give you opportunities.

[@pv4685]

She was bending over backwards to please others. Then her back gave way. Our bodies are always showing us where we are going wrong. The danger is that when we dont listen to the small signals it will amp up to make us listen.

[@katiehall4973]

So true. I recently read When the Body Says No by Dr Gabor Mate and he writes at length about many of the ways our bodies tell us something is wrong. Ultimately, if we are not true to ourselves and we don’t say no, our bodies will do it for us.

[@fleep9008]

Authenticity with Empathy with SELF is GOLDEN.

[@ashleybursch2804]

she was 26 in 1999?! I thought she was 26 right NOW

[@jodygolemon3361]

Right? She was 46 when she gave this talk!!

[@esg3813]

Ze looks great

[@rachelthompson7487]

Ikr lol

[@mateomusclezae]

She fine😂

[@DannyPodcast]

Shes 205 now. Still looks the same.

[@robincrowflies]

The most subversive thing a woman can do is to talk about her life like it matters, because it does. ~ Mona Eltahawy

[@FancyNelli]

It resonated with me so deeply I started to cry half way and a weight lifted off my shoulder. I feel like God sent me this message when I needed the most.

[@kukulcan9119]

"You had to sacrifice who you were to be what other people needed you to be."

[@wapistani]

“I kept twisting myself into whatever shape my father wanted me to be.” - this one hit hard. No pun intended.

[@Yahweh5995]

I hope you find freedom .

[@dazed3947]

Another thing is feeling like you’re the only one going thru this, so you hide it and don’t share these feelings. It makes it snowball. So relatable. Never thought others felt like hai

[@Kaylaalovee18]

fr. hearing this like lets me put a name to these emotions. like i didnt even know these things i was doing was me hiding my true self, and to know that other people have felt this way too i always find myself saying "you just cant understand" or "they wouldnt be able to handle the pain i go through" or "no one else has felt a pain like this" but we all do, i wish it was easier to find community in this

[@MS-ns4ki]

@@Kaylaalovee18people think mg life is peachy.

[@moderndaynostalgics2728]

"How will I think about myself if I don't say this" was really powerful and inspiring!

[@bloopbloop8371]

i wish for everyone a group of friends just like the people in the comment section on the youtube videos youre watching

[@jennifermoody6987]

I'm just stunned to my core because of how deeply and intensely this just affected me.. I am in awe of how her feelings and experiences were almost exactly the same as my own.. I didn't know what to expect when I started watching this, but I definitely wasn't expecting to be so impacted by it in a way that I needed to so desperately.. I'm so humbled and grateful for this and I know God led me to it because He knew what I was needing to hear..

[@Living_Connectedness]

From your first sentence to your last, is how I feel right now. Wow. Our stories show we’ve never really been alone after all.

[@inanna153]

Amen

[@juanitagallego6684]

Same thing just happened to me. So glad to be able to know we’re not alone and by sharing our experiences we’re helping each other ♥️ healing together.

[@MrMoy6003]

You say God led you to this video, but it’s actually the KZbin algorythm doing it’s job. Man-made :)

[@inner-healingwbrendabhopkins]

@@MrMoy6003 God moves through us ... through whatever channel, system, situation, etc. available.

[@shirleneedwards5493]

I don't usually comment but I had to for this. The content of this presentation was great and very relatable. I like how you used the pain you experienced physically and linked it to the pain one can experience when not being her true self. If we will be ourselves amidst a world that is constantly trying to change us, we will attract just what we need for ourselves to live a fulfilling life.

[@MyEverydayGarden]

It was brilliant. It’s always amazing and powerful when you see someone speaking their truth. I am finally acknowledging this and expressing my vulnerability.. not everyone likes it. It can be quite raw however it is better than living a lie.

[@MyEverydayGarden]

Brilliant. Being vulnerable can be very difficult however living your own truth is necessary in order to truly live.

[@clivegable9387]

Thank you I am sad and relieved that I’ve realised this truth quite late in life

[@Ea.rth.]

I have spent the past few days thinking over how strongly I hide my true personality, and thinking over how it came to be, in hopes to change it and come out of my hiding place.... As a child I believe I was told to "settle down" too many times that it just stuck, and asked to "wait until we are home" to be dancing or singing or whatever else I was up to... That's how I think it went down that got me this way. But I found this video after spending today with this pain in my back. I've even thought of it as a problem with one of my disc's... so this is extremely profound to have stumbled upon this video. I will not give up on bringing my true self out. I want to play and never worry about who's watching. People can stay settled down just like they were taught. And the ones that would enjoy me will. It's just a matter of time and patience but I hope I don't take too long. I'm 28 right now ♡

[@silei2597]

“ what will I think of myself if I don’t say that” cut deep

[@ryder1658]

It’s better to be liked for who you really are than to be liked for who you aren’t. It’s better to be true to yourself and be disliked than to put in a bunch of effort to be something fake and still be rejected anyway. Friends made while pretending to be something you’re not are often not very good friends. A good friend is someone you like for who they are, and they like you for who you are. So how can you have good friends if they don’t know you? I’ve had a lot of friends in my life. Not many of them knew the real me. The ones I still have knew the real me. And I want you to know, once you’re friends with everyone, you begin to wonder why you ever wanted to be friends with everyone. Some people aren’t worth being friends with. Some people are perfectly okay among their own people, but you realize you don’t want to be in that circle. And that’s not to say you can only be friends with people similar to you. It’s deeper than that. Just cultivate authenticity in yourself. Be true to yourself. Don’t offer a false self to others. You will find yourself with friends with many things in common, and many interesting differences as well. You will find people you mesh with who are very similar and very different from you, and you won’t get along with people you are very similar to and who you are very different from. But all the people you’re friends with will have one thing in common: they like you. The real you. There is a person from every corner of the world who could possibly like you, all with completely different things going on. And their neighbors might not be so fond of you. It’s not your fault. No one has to like anyone. It’s good that they don’t have to like you. It means the ones that do like you are more meaningful. Imagine if everyone just had to like you. Then it would be like no one did. Plus, pretending to be something you’re not - you’re hiding from your real friends. You’re actively making it harder for your people to find you. What about popular people? Well, most popular people are doing exactly that. Pretending to be something else. It might look fun, but in reality, many popular people feel lonely. It looks like they have a lot of friends, but they don’t feel close to anyone. Sure, some popular people are liked by many, and seem to have genuine friends. I’ve known people like this, and they’ve been stereotypical popular kids, but curiously, they’ve also been all kinds of other types as well. We all can think of popular people who don’t fit the classic stereotype. In reality, these people are extremely varied. But they all have one thing in common. They’re liked for who they really are. They’re comfortable and genuine and authentic. Chasing popularity won’t guarantee popularity. And if you get it by chasing it, it will probably feel empty. If you instead prioritize being authentic and forging real friendships, never mind the popularity, you’ll have a better chance at becoming popular. It’s also like how if you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. It takes more effort to try to give everyone everything they want, and you’re less likely to succeed. As opposed to trying to please the people that actually matter, it taking less effort, and it actually being possible. Often, people want contradictory things. You will end up displeasing some by pleasing others. Also: when riding in an airplane, you put your face mask on first if the cabin loses pressure. If everyone does the same thing, then no one needs help. But if anyone can’t, then you won’t pass out, and you can help them in turn. You are a better force for good when you have first fulfilled your own needs. You can help more people if you are strong. It’s okay to not be liked by everyone.

[@DarkS1ayer100]

That sounds like someone who speaks from experience. I hope your path has gotten at least a bit easier since then, fellow traveler.

[@sqzl3969]

I Had the exact same experience of bending backwards to please people (especially my parents) and my back giving way; still took me a couple of years to start finding my true self. But I've found him now and everyday feels great :)

[@bugrist]

She didn't report nor explained the how. But she absolutely moved towards authenticity.

[@dr.redphdleasurestudies.5399]

At the risk of being a proverbial wet blanket it's important to do the work of removing yourself from abusive people, finding yourself, and slowly revealing yourself to people you can easily do without in your life. Take the time. Do the uncomfortable work. Hiding kept you alive so cautiously find a safe environment for your true self to thrive. Most people will not need this advice but those who do need to follow it to survive. If you are one of them please take heart in the fact that you're one of the few and there is value in being rare. Your unique perspective may not be wanted by all but it is needed.

[@checreates]

I appreciated this comment ❤

[@bakhytgul4457]

Wow, I haven't even realized there are such people 'who hide'. I am, quite on the contrary, too open. And it's fun, you know, life is both tough and fun when you are true to yourself.

[@MissInternasionalz]

Me too

[@okjanija6017]

I want to be myself because i am not happy with pretending to be someone else, i think if i can be my “true self” somethings going to change.

[@IslandAwakening]

yess!!

[@brightprime4900]

I so resonate ! Thank you for sharing this ❤️

[@maivo7568]

Okja Nija, never change that! Someone told me to pretend to be a role model staff at work, and I said I don't want to pretend - I just want to be myself and learn to be a better staff along the way.

[@JuliatteJ]

Excellent talk. You could feel the pain of her struggle when she talked about being out in the ambulance. How it all came crashing down

[@wolftickets1969]

Much like the case studies in Dr. Gabor Maté's "When The Body Says No".

[@josephtein3835]

Absolutely. I thought of his lectures on authenticity when I heard this talk!

[@lamourdujourr]

she's gorgeous and funny and genuine

[@BamBam-ib6qk]

Yeah, but her goofy pants makes her less attractive though.

[@ernststavroblofeld2109]

@@BamBam-ib6qk no way. Let me get a pair of those pants.

[@h.s.l6875]

My problem is- I've been hiding for so long, that I can't even know who is the real me... The real me never had a chance to see light. Maybe the real me isn't so great, but it bothers me not to know myself.

[@cynergyyy]

“Take your true self out of hiding” 🔥💚

[@elinastanford5402]

It’s really tough growing up as a girl too I gravitated watching princess movies as an escape, and it made me feel the “knight in shining armor” would find the me I hid so long ago. And I wish I realized earlier so I didn’t try to find it in men who didn’t deserve me anyway

[@adilahaz]

I used to hide because I feel anxiety in public..but being a teacher made me learned to overcome the problem..sometimes it's not easy but doing what I love certainly reduce my anxiety..keep fighting and may the light shine the path for you

[@learnwithbinh]

Same here. We're strong and we'll survive all the storms of life🌻

[@OksanaHypnocoach]

Such an important topic. In fact many diseases are from not being true yourself, from breaking yourself not listening yourself.

[@sherot4309]

I find her story beautiful! Don;t wait for people come and find you. Take your true self out of hiding and see how your world changes.

[@AYASHMUSIC]

so beautiful. proud of you girl. and proud of anyone who's reading this comment and is on their journey to find themselves.

[@georgeandraos2509]

one of the most relatable TED talks to me ever.

[@lauraluey]

Feeling greatful to have stumbled across this inspiring story ❤️

[@abby999]

me too. 🥰

[@mattwood1323]

We hide when there is danger - and then we forget we are hiding when the danger is no longer there, coming out of that hiding place not only takes courage, it takes illumination - to REALIZE that you are hiding and to REALIZE that you are not happy and to REALIZE that things could be different and to REALIZE that you can try something new. It's not easy - it takes time - but once your realize you need to do it you have EVERYTHING to gain. Courage and strength to anyone who now realizes that this is what they must now do. You CAN do it... you are not alone... good luck... and welcome back.

[@properpsychology1276]

Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, "something is out of tune" - Carl Jung

[@silverceleste007]

Yes! This is such an important message for people, especially young women, to hear! So proud of you for getting into therapy and being brave enough to be yourself, Ruth!

[@charusahu5961]

"What will I think of myself, if I don't say that?!" That makes the real difference.

[@Trix-ex5mc]

This is courageous of her to stand there and be her self! She should know that the nature of humans is weird. Don’t let it get to you. We all have our own ‘soul clan’. That’s where you will be totally accepted. And if you on your own, try your ‘soul’.😅❤️ Great speech👍❤️💐

[@blueskiies]

This was a truly touching talk. I'm going through my own journey of peeling back all the layers of conditioning that has made me feel hidden, unseen, unheard. I really appreciated tihs talk!

[@Schall-und-Rauch]

This story at the station is an example of how pain in your soul can make a back pain really bad and make you pass out to show that you crave relief (didn’t want to call an ambulance, interestingly) when other people with a herniated disk just keep walking and take a pain killer.

[@albaya1641]

I cried so hard watching this I don't know why

[@johndoe4073]

12:50 - "What will I think of myself if I dont say that?" Such a powerful question!

[@Seeyatellite]

We spend so much of our lives suppressing ourselves and smothering our passions for fear of judgment that eccentricity be labeled crazy. Such beautiful souls pressed into corners of a room afraid to speak, act and sing... thank you so much for sharing this talk and thank you Ruth Clare for your magnificent perspective on the subject of embracing oneself. We have a lot to learn about our social lives and very rarely does that social life actually teach us. It's magnificent to see someone speaking on their experience particularly highlighting the triggers in her personal history which caused such repressive self-judgment.

[@gailclay4905]

“Bravo!” It takes a lot of guts to speak your mind but it takes a load off!!!🌹

[@ananya_soni_]

And this time, the most confident you can ever get- accepting and revealing your flaws and your strength in front of the world ❤

[@Sbannmarie]

I’m a Californian lived in Europe Canada and Middle East and wasn’t really drawn to New York either.

[@lilmayomouldycrouton170]

2:16 REALLY resonates with me in a heartbreaking way.

[@michaelmokotong]

Brilliant beyond belief. A gem of a presenter, I hope she acts soon. I would love to see her work.

[@PinkWytchBytch]

This really hits home on a lot of levels. I’m going through serious health issues. Issues that wouldn’t have gotten this bad if I hadn’t been so focused on whatever awful event was going on in my life at the time… I really didn’t think this was how bad off I was until just under a year ago, when my health finally collapsed and I literally couldn’t ignore it any longer or I was going to die. I’d gone through so much prior to this crash, that what caused the crash was me giving up, I just gave up and waited to die, I quit eating for years and only drank things, which dropped my body weight by almost half. I was already skinny and this pushed my body over an edge through exhaustion and starvation. It was around that time when I looked in the mirror and realized I couldn’t even recognize myself, if lost so much of my mass that I literally looked like a walking sickly half dead thing that could kneel over any second. I promise, the pain of rejection hurts less than the pain of realizing you nearly killed yourself to please people who treated you like no one should ever treat another living creature

[@selinaedlund4641]

Thank you for sharing. It’s very brave of you. I’m so sorry that those people treated you like that. I really hope you are doing better now. Please know that you are enough, you are worthy and you are important. Sending hugs.

[@PinkWytchBytch]

@@selinaedlund4641 The kind words are appreciated. I am indeed in a better spot, my husband has been absolutely crucial in that process. If not for him I couldn’t have recovered to such a degree. I try to let others know my story because it’s an example of how extreme and drastic things can become if you give up on living and just exist as a husk of a person. It can feel very isolating to go through that level of emptiness and sometimes hearing someone else’s story is the nudge another may need to realize they need to keep trying

[@selinaedlund4641]

It warms my heart to hear that. I definitely agree; hearing someone else is having/has had a similar struggle as you can make all the difference. People’s stories have affected me as well, and when I think of them I remember that I am in charge of my life and I need to keep going, that I can do it. Thank you again for speaking up.

[@kukulcan9119]

This is so sad yet full of hope. I have felt very similar to you and my husband has also been my saving grace. I hope you continue to do well.

[@ad.worldlearning]

Scary how some people live their whole life without showing who they really are and what they love because of fear and made up scenarios in their heads. This is great advice.

[@bestill365]

I took myself out of hiding and the people that truly love me, loved me more and the people that don't love me, fell out of my life.

[@AnggiSahamCantik]

Instead of saying: What will other people think of me if I do that? Say: What will I think about me if I don't do that? That's 💥. Thank you!

[@catherineo8689]

Showing your true self can lead to abandonment and anger, make no mistake. That is a risk. Still, the risk may be worth it to people who truly want to be known and who want relationships that go beyond mere good times and politeness. Some people do not want anything more than that; every day I read on insta and other sites, "Abandon friends who introduce drama, negativity. Draw BOUNDARIES against such persons." So there is a cost to be considered in every human relationship, depending on what you want.

[@tcircled2578]

Enjoyed the talk. St. Francis is my role model. I dreamed of living on as little as possible. I finally got the courage and now am a cashier/stocker at a Salvation Army's thrift store, making minimum wage.

[@rose-mh1ry]

It did hit home. Can't say words more than this, I don't know what to !

[@anonymouslee4470]

I’ve had the habit to put off my dreams for anything that might seem to keep myself connected to what I am comfortable with no matter if it lead to happiness or not...

[@sofiagabler8325]

This is so true. What a great talk. Thank you.

[@ts1331ts]

These ted talks almost make me cry every time I watch them. It's so close to home.

[@josephtein3835]

This is SO good! It applies to so many people in our world,!

[@sonja7711]

A wonderful person! Thank you..

[@Trendspottify]

I needed to hear this. Thanks, Ruth, for your courage to share your story. Inspiring.

[@johannabergstrom5030]

I understand you completely. Thanks for your inspiring story!

[@user-fb1ys2lj9c]

Ruth Clare your story reminded me of myself. Many women and men can relate to this topic. I love every detail of her story.

[@dhrubamaharjan8732]

Amazing. I am going through this stage right now. I am needing to sort out.

[@amitavaroy4709]

Great talk. I love all her three ted talks

[@charndrefick231]

A Beautifully presented talk, that spoke the truths that many of us are finding hard to say

[@yinmaysoe7140]

Thank you very much for the brilliant talk. I've learned a lot from your story. I hope I can find the real me and stick to it.

[@ninabambinabambina2304]

I can relate to this. Changing who I am to please other people family & friends. Do you ever think to yourself who am I?

[@frankdelaney9642]

Absolutely wonderful to know that I am not the only person who survived self sabotage. 🙏🙏👍👍❤❤

[@luciaengel3]

So proud of who you are! You have come a long way, well done! 💝✨️

[@yolkycheeks]

Thank you so much for opening yourself up and sharing your story with us, Ruth! I think this is so relatable for so many people including me. I will try to implement your advice in my life starting from today!

[@terance9551]

well done Ruth, thanks for sharing your brave journey

[@vinodinismily7506]

I had a huge smile on my face when i finished watching this..&i really like ur quirky side

[@elroyjetson6298]

Hard to explain how much I resonate with her and this topic. Sad but true! Most the time people hardly even notice you’re trying so hard to conform for the sake of their happiness. Inspiring to say the least…

[@musicsoul1708]

Exactly approve of yourself first. Trust your gut. Always. And the people who will honour and respect you, will be attracted to you.

[@ejt321]

There will always be some people who don't like who you really are, and what you really think, as well as who don't like what you pretend to be, so you might as well be what you really are. At least, then, you are on your own side in agreement with yourself.

[@arlinegeorge6967]

Beautiful impressive amazing soul. So true we are trying to fit what others us to be. Believe in yourself and slowly steadily n surely reach your intention. Very inspiring. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.

[@petaosborne234]

SO relatable! Thank you so much for this story Ruth ❤

[@gellycrazy5117]

I felt this. 😭 Not bcoz I am afraid to be judged or what.. But a lot of people are dragging me down.. So I dont let them see my true confident self. That I want them. To conclude what they want to think about me.. But I think I have to get myself back on track

[@marianacioffi]

Just what I needed to hear at this difficult point of my life. I realized I've spent nearly all my life second guessing what people want me to say/be and trying to please them, that I forgot who I am. I'm gonna spend some time trying to figure me out from now on.

[@seema5244]

Beautiful talk ...thank u for sharing 🎉

[@Shootinforthestars1]

What a great talk!

[@souleyes7467]

Those words are so powerful. Such an amazing truth and message, thank you so much for sharing so beautifully and gracefully

[@troisangroi115]

"don't wait for people to come and find you, take your truth self out of hiding and see how your world changes"

[@ayansheik5303]

Rue and authentic! Great one! it’s beautiful when we truly except ourselves before anyone else!

[@ellenhendricks4606]

This TED talk in particular captured my attention

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

She's a year older than me. And so much of my life was very similar, people pleasing. Some of my inner voice wasn't really mean, but what I was programmed from childhood. I am smart, brave, resilient, and as I validate myself and quit trying to please everyone I can please myself first.

[@user-nm6dr4uy3d]

At core, I am naive, kindly and mellow. I pretend to be tough because inside, I guess I'm afraid I'll be trampled, taken advantage of and bullied like I was as a child. My mum (well-meaning) told me to toughen up a bit. So I did, and now I find it very hard to be myself.

[@_emilytyson]

This is such a brilliant talk, I was hooked right from the start. Thank you so much!

[@shellymillerleer]

This was such an honest and vulnerable talk. I think most of us contort ourselves somewhat, thinking this will ensure we’re still included in the tribe.

[@anmolkasaundhan]

to be yourself in a world that it constantly trying to make you sth else is the greatest achievement ♥️

[@thatomalemela9774]

Thank you Ruth.