Supporting Men’s Emotional Journey: Helping Them Open Up

[@TheJapanZone]

I joined a men's group in London almost 6 years ago and it utterly transformed my life, or rather, how I experience my life. I was so emotionally shut down and disregulated that, compared to the men around me, I couldn't even recognise or articulate why I was there, what my 'problem' was. Being in that group and listening to the other men share taught me so much. It was like learning a new language and then having a regular place to practice using it. Healing and transformation are by no means guaranteed, they often happen only when group work is combined with a lot of work outside the group space. But I've witnessed some astonishing transformation. The impact was so profound that I went on to train as a men's group facilitator myself. Sensing that this wasn't enough to overcome my core feelings of being an 'imposter' I decided to do some basic counselling training. As your video suggests, I found myself one of just two blokes surrounded by 15 women but more importantly I found that I was in my element. The training sparked a whole new level of passion in me for this work and it has been so helpful in my men's work facilitation. Until recently, well over 50% of the men who had approached me to ask about my therapeutic support group ended up not taking that difficult next step of deciding to join. And part of the reason is how I 'sold' the group to them. I spoke about the potential benefits and support that were waiting for them. But now I have a clearer understanding that for these men, entering a space where they can be vulnerable feels not so much like tentatively opening a door as taking a huge leap of faith, a leap into the frightening unknown. And what they need first and foremost is some sense, a felt sense, that they can trust me with their feelings and feel safe - safe enough - to visit some scary places. As I'm not someone who is widely known in this field, that usually requires a face-to-face meeting so they can sound me out and get a sense of whether they can trust me. @blurglide, I'm sorry to hear that you seem to have had a less than helpful experience with talking therapy. I found it a bit hit and miss myself, at least until I realised that it's an iterative process and what I get out of it is directly proportional to what I put in. For many men, the practical, shoulder-to-shoulder approach provides as much challenge and support as they feel able for, and having this available is certainly helping. When it comes to facing the deepest fears, pain and trauma, a consciously holding therapeutic space can offer much more.

[@BanzoUnchained]

Beautiful thx

[@katrina3407]

There's a group near me called 'Andy's Man Club' which has grown very quickly and is now nationwide and also online. It's a very informal non-clinical group where they're all just a regular bunch of blokes meeting up for a brew and a biscuit and open up to support each other. The key messages of their club are, "It's Okay To Talk." "You Don't Need To Man Up, Just Speak Up." One would expect they also have either a trained counsellor or therapist who also attends these group meetings. Perhaps that's something Alex could ask them...?

[@larsstougaard7097]

I think Im on therapist no. 7 and the first 6 were women that didn’t held a safe space ,met me or helped me. In fact I was retraumtized a few times in these sessions. Now I found a guy that uses NARM somatic trauma work that seems great. I also tried many other things over the years like healers, yoga, breathwork, meditation. My conclusion is it can be difficult to find a good competent therapist , you can waste a lot of time and money. Seen a lot of similar complaints on Reddit and Instagram. Also the male & female dynamic may be a problem in trauma work. I have been forced to do tons of research myself because nobody could help me. Clearly if you put in the work everything becomes apparent, but you still need a therapist to do some of the deep exploration. Also the somatic part and nervous system is super important. Body mind connection.

[@lisedauphinais5024]

Men's group in which they can do physical stuff together while finally having some good talks seem to be of good support for many. Brotherhood, being surrounded by other men who face similar challenges. Watching other men having the courage to share their struggles before they get enough comfortable to do the same. Without being forced to talk when they are not ready. Wild at heart (John Eldreridge), Iron Council (Order of man), Man's camp (Brian Tome) and so many other groups are growing right now to support men and they really seem to help them in a way that is more suitable for many. I just think the kind of therapies usually available for them in social services are not the kind of support they are looking for. (Although I believe that many women are not healing that much with traditional talk therapies either).

[@mirandaandrea8215]

I like your style of working Alex

[@maciejsiedziako680]

I feel like I don’t want to talk with my therapist, rather I want solutions, accountability or action steps, which then get followed up by therapist by asking: „Did you do it, if so, how was it?” For woman talking IS problem solving, for me it isn’t.

[@suem.3651]

What if they absolutely DO NOT believe in therapy?

[@blurglide]

Because most therapists absolutely suck for men. Women just want someone to listen to them complain, and that's what most therapists do. As a man, I want solutions, and you get little or none other than "try journaling" or "take some deep breaths", which you don't exactly have to pay a bunch of money and retraumatize yourself to do that. Telling my story would shake me for a week, and all I'd get is that, or nothing and just a "see you in a couple weeks". Most therapists are far LESS than worthless for most men. Go do a project with your hands and apply yourself is the best advice for men.

[@thetaoofkim5185]

Stating that women "just want to complain" is unfair and untrue. We are looking for solutions as well as a deeper understanding. Sounds like it's a case of finding a good fit.

[@blurglide]

@@thetaoofkim5185 How many times have you heard 'I just want you to listen" when you try to help a woman solver her problem? Men typically don't even talk about their problems unless they want advice on how to fix it.

[@mirandaandrea8215]

Sorry you have a negative view of therapy and perhaps this has been your experience! The relationship is so important. I have worked with many men and it has been extremely productive in my experience