Surviving The Family Scapegoat Role

Book Recommendations:
Rejected, Shamed and Blamed: Help and Hope For Adults In The Family Scapegoat Role by Rebecca Mandeville
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
Bradshaw On: The Family by John Bradshaw
Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
Support Groups:
Codependents Anonymous: www.coda.org
Adult Children Anonymous: www.adultchildren.org

[@sharrose7594]

I believe the scapegoat is the one who saw through the b.s. even as a child and rejected to participate. We've been the emotionally healthy ones all along but rejected for not playing along

[@johnlovesbridge]

Your chance to be the Golden Child skyrockets the better you play along.

[@Jaxxon123]

💯

[@YOUR-WORD-IS-YOUR-BOND]

Facts

[@kristina7901]

Yes!

[@ulondabrazzle8173]

Agreed. I’ve experienced this as a child and at work. Wooohoo!

[@happycamper3561]

I’m an adult daughter scapegoated in my narcissistic family by my narcissistic mom. I’m starting to notice that my nieces and nephews (kids of my brother the golden child) are getting the vibe from my family that it’s ok to ignore me or disrespect me. These grandchildren are 3,6 and 10 and I feel horrible that as much as I love them and want to be close in their lives, these children are being trained to see me as “bad” by my narcissistic brother and his codependent wife. It’s unbelievable that this persists through generations. Anyone else experience this?

[@kellygarland1624]

Oh yeah my sisters kids won't talk to me...except the scapegoat of her family...he lives with me...

[@deborahlindstrom3140]

Yes only the scapegoat of the new family engages with me. My nephew is an adult now. Crummy to think that if I didn’t start my own family and I almost didn’t due to trust issues and trauma-bonding, I would’ve been all alone. I have friends but they have their own families over the holidays.

[@Heretic1981]

I don't know if it's exactly the same thing. My mom and brother tried to trash me to my wife and even my realtor. That went about as well for them as you can imagine. But it would be the most natural thing in the world, in my mind, if my brother had trashed me to his wife, who I've exchanged maybe 20 words with since we first met

[@radfem2010]

Unfortunately I had the same experience with three of my sisters' kids. They mostly ignore me. I wish it were different but it's the way it is. But yeah it's a multi generational thing. Including the narcissism. I feel badly for them because this dynamic isn't fun.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I remember being confused that it was okay for other people to do and say 'x' but I was castigated and punished for it. My GC brother acts like The Family Spokesperson and his daughter is a little snot, who I have threatened to slap because she used to be so sassy to me. The sad thing is, when he lived out of state, he and I were close and talked on the phone often. He actually seemed to have a fairly good grasp of our family dynamics. However, once he and his wife moved back and spent more time with my family, the narcissistic mother, my flying monkey siblings, both he and his wife suddenly went cold with me, refused to allow me to babysit their children, don't invite me to any of their events, except that which they 'have to' (like confirmations), and largely just ignore me. I brought up a very painful recently resurfaced memory and let all of my siblings know about it. Mr. Family Spokesperson contacted me, castigated the wrong person (a guy I liked, rather than my abusive mother), then told me to read the Bible. I do read the Bible, almost daily, oh brother of mine! I decided that Christmas 2022 would be the LAST family get-together I attended. I felt at peace, and got a lot of compliments from my siblings on my appearance (trying to reel me back in??), but I'm done. My tribe now is by Invitation Only.

[@thegreatjohannes]

I made the mistake of confronting my family, and indeed, I was gaslighted BADLY. But it helped me break away forever. Once I realized my parents will never love me, ever, I could burn the ships, and found some internal salvation.

[@flyingnutrition6199]

waw ...i need to do the same... but is so hard

[@trellcold1650]

I did the same. Same thing happened. I'm glad I feel like I got my power back

[@sarahmoorman6936]

Bless you and I'm so sry. They may really love you but you don't want that kind of love! Peace be with you!

[@garysmith1863]

BURN BABY BURN!

[@SanctifiedLady]

I sent my message via text and blocked them all after I told each one after my covert narc mother passed. I told them what she was how she turned them on me, I was the youngest and the punching bag. Except for my oldest brother who gives no shit and never really got to know me. I told the others seek help I am.

[@johnlovesbridge]

Being the scapegoat is the worst. That damage during your formative years is severe, and haunts you.

[@americandevo]

Advice for all Scapegoats : START KEEPING A JOURNAL! Write down all the bad things your family did and continues to do to you. Keeping a journal will help with 2 things: It will get the negative bad memories out of your head by locking them away. More importantly, when you first go NO CONTACT (which is the only way to free yourself of the abuse) you will struggle with your decision. You will want to reach our to your family in the attempt to plead your case, try to change their attitude towards you and make them see you as the GOOD PERSON YOU ARE. When that urge strikes get out your journal and read a bit. Reading all the memories of the horrible, disrespectful, abusive gaslighting things you were subject to will strengthen your resolve that staying away from your toxic abusers was the right decision. Remember, THEY are "perfect and without fault" and any and all problems were "YOUR fault". That will never change. Just because you share blood with someone it does not mean you have to have anything to do with them.

[@ravenspace]

the other value in journaling is that it allows the person to proceess their trauma with higher structures in their brain, moving beyond the amygdala and into processing areas where it is able to be conciously worked with and rationally overcome with self compassion and patience.

[@cindy7733]

How did you get out?

[@3beads1arrow]

Regarding keeping a journal: This is a good idea if you have no contact. But if you are still living with the family, or still have the family in your life, this is a very bad idea. I used to keep a journal growing up. The "golden child" gave my journal to my "narcasistc mother" and that made things far far worse for me. I do NOT recommend this for anyone who still lives in the home.

[@robceli80]

This is exactly what I should have done because it would have prevented me falling into their trap again

[@gothnerd887]

​@@3beads1arrowthat's why diaries have padlocks and keys🔐

[@fredhubbard7210]

This is a very good discussion... I would add a wrinkle. At least in some cases, the person is the scapegoat BECAUSE they are decent, sober and clear thinking. At an early age you recognized the hypocrisy... YOU were the light that somehow saw through the darkness, so they tried to extinguish you. In my opinion, there is only one way to manage a dysfunctional family... Stop trying to have a relationship with them. You are only gaslighting yourself. They want you to believe they love you just to keep you around to have something to p1$$ on. I saw the abuse not only to me, but the rest of my siblings. My support for my siblings was not only unrequited, but unrecognized.

[@REGjr]

The nonreciprocation of gladly having their backs IN REAL AND SACRIFICING WAYS is tough to swallow. I was also my mother’s Munchausen proxy for psychiatric illness (taking me from psychiatrist to psychiatrist trying to get the answer she wanted/find one who would make me the problem), which caused me to realize scapegoats most frequently being a family’s “identified patient” is a manifestation of scapegoating by proxying factitiously induced disorders. The anxiety of this sadistic thing she used to do gave me a somatoform disorder (psychogenic seizures) in elementary school as well, so that experience also informs my perspective that scapegoating abuse absolutely offloads trauma into a proxy. And my mother was perfectly serious that I was the problem and trying to get validation of that. Nope it didn’t quit, it just became more covert exactly like the video said after one finally made her also take the evaluation. We didn’t go back to that psychiatrist either but she changed the torture to feeding me in silence and smirking while I begged to be told what I’d done wrong around that time, so she got an ugly result in addition to the IQ result she told me she wasn’t going to tell me because those things were “usually inaccurate and just get overemphasized anyway”. Scapegoating is very much Munchhausen in that it gets the abusers a payoff of positive attention at the scapegoat’s unaware expense and is definitely directed toward the one with something they can’t take credit for as a way of destroying that thing. I’m sure other scapegoats also have trust issues that keep them from seeking out therapy too, but for obvious reasons I’ll definitely pass

[@radfem2010]

I don't see that as a wrinkle. It makes sense. The siblings of mine who most mirror the golden child. One was an addict that almost wound up in prison. The other married an alcoholic. I struggle with alcohol sometimes when they're around. It's currency in my family for "honest" communication. But addiction runs in my family on both sides of it. So yeah, if you are the sober one that can be seen as a reason to scapegoat.

[@teresafraser3049]

Thank you for describing exactly what I went through. I chose to walk away from my entire dysfunctional narcassistic family a decade ago which actually freed my spirit entirely 🙏 I am an empath which is a target for all Narc's which doesn't stand a chance seeing that from a young age I was able to not only feel their pain which I constantly offered love BUT they saw my love and affection as a threat. I remember they would ridicule me for being so loving....patient and supportive...they would say....what do I have to say or do to you for you not to be able to forgive me???? These toxic energies will destroy your loving heart if you decide to maintain relationships with. I gave myself the gift of going silent with all of them which created a magical existence ✨

[@fredhubbard7210]

@@teresafraser3049 You are so welcome... Thank-you for your comment... Like you, I am the happiest I have ever been. It is strangely magical.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Went no contact as my new year / 2023 new life resolution. I now choose my tribe and my family. DNA does not.

[@terrancemcclendon456]

Narcs intentionally let you know you were left out of a family gathering

[@imtisaalahmad3410]

I have an older sister who acts very cheery in front of me and takes my younger sister for treats and I don't care but it seems to me it looks like she's trying to shove in my face all these things, so yeah this comment reminded me of that.

[@teresafraser3049]

I'm the scapegoat and also an empath which made my childhood unbearable at times. The empath in me I continuously gave away my power to my entire dysfunctional family because I loved them dearly and wanted to help them heal their wounding which enraged them. They couldn't understand why I was so patient and forgiving because they did not have those qualities within themselves which they continuously projected onto me. I finally decided to walk away from my entire family 10 years ago which saved my life. I've been living a magical existence ever since ✨ 💛

[@starseeds8121]

I am happy you got away and are living well.

[@shareonrivas1458]

i could have written this myself ! soul twin for sure.

[@andyokus5735]

I can't believe how Christ-like you were.

[@moxyismyname5786]

This makes me so hopeful ❤🔥

[@zarif12031994]

SO HAPPY FOR YOUU ❤❤❤

[@jawnsolo0]

I’ve always found it interesting that the term scapegoat is derived from The Bible. The scapegoat in there was burdened with all the sins of the tribe and cast off into the wilderness, most likely to die. Every scapegoat can relate to that experience. I believe the only way to heal these family dynamics is for the abusive family members to become aware of their behavior and take responsibility for their actions. However, since that won’t happen, we as scapegoats have a difficult task ahead of us. Luckily, we’re in an era where we have videos like this where we can all find each other and maybe for the first time in our lives realize that our gut feelings and intuitions were right all along. We took all the guilt and shame of our family members for years. We don’t owe them a single thing. We can move on and give ourselves the lives that were stolen from us.

[@TimesUp8888]

Thank you, I needed to hear this today. 💗🙏

[@cup_o_TMarie]

I hear you & feel your pain. It’s also similar to my pain. I came to also say that I have found TREMENDOUS healing even though I’ve not had a family that admitted fault & worked with me to heal this. In fact, my Mother has passed & Ive had no choice but to find my healing without her. It is beyond difficult but it is by no means impossible to heal without ANY contact of the abusive family. In fact we most often end up retraumatized by those same family members in the way the video describes. Simply wanted to spread a message of hope🙏💝

[@cup_o_TMarie]

This was a beautiful gift of a video 💝Namaste🙏 I came to also say that I have found TREMENDOUS healing even though I’ve not had a family that admitted fault & worked with me to heal this. In fact, my Mother has passed & Ive had no choice but to find my healing without her. It is beyond difficult but it is by no means impossible to heal without ANY contact of the abusive family. In fact we most often end up retraumatized by those same family members in the way the video describes. Simply wanted to spread a message of hope🙏💝

[@altenberg-greifenstein]

I found out the same about the original meaning of scapegoat and it is beyond cruel and immoral

[@sarahmoorman6936]

amen!

[@Krissy_K888]

Seriously, I would have 100% preferred to be told I am not loved. It is so complex to process being told that they love you so much, but you just existing, and breathing air is so inherently difficult that YOU just bring these extremes out of them. Where and how do we even begin to make sense of that?

[@evadebruijn]

This

[@delighthahn3403]

I actually wasn't told that I was loved, none of my siblings were. And I was always grateful for the lack of confusion, but my little sister would cry herself to sleep for years wondering why her parents didn't hug & kiss her goodbye when they dropped her off for school like all the other kindergartners etc. One of my older brothers is 40 & got his feelings hurt when I said "my mom" never loved me. He is a narcicist, btw

[@leahflower9924]

The cognitive dissonance scapegoats face make us feel like we are going insane and we kind of are going insane in some ways. I've had times where I almost begged people to just tell me I'm a POS and get it over with because then my external world matches my internal world

[@TimesUp8888]

Agree.

[@emilyb5557]

When you say YOU bring this out of them it sounds like it's still feeling like it's something a out YOU that brings this out. It's not YOU, any child could have done that, it was THEM projecting onto you. Think of a projector screen with a film playing on it. The screen is in no way the film or it's story. The fact that another sibling isn't being projected on is just timing or luck of the draw - nothing about either child is causing the choice of GC or SG. I hope that helps in a little way?

[@msuebabb417]

I was the scapegoat of 8 children. I could do nothing right. My Dad was a narcissist and he heaped every bad thing that happened in his life on me. I'm 74 years young and can still feel the hurt I experienced growing up in this family. My Mom and my siblings were afraid of my Dad and did not have my back. At age 20, my Dad attacked me physically for the last time. With a broken nose, I left home and never returned. Makes me sad to think about it. Why? Why was I the scapegoat... because I loved too deeply? Because I was an empath? I am still triggered to this day but I try to get past it. No one in my family ever addressed the issue so I was left with this awful feeling I was a bad person. I carried that with me all my life. But I carried on and made something of my life.

[@actionjackson8439]

You may have made something positive of your life but that invisible feeling of inferiority that you can feel and everyone you come in contact with senses, will never disappear. You've done well though. I'm 42 and can't imagine suffering internally for that much longer. It seems as though all of us who went through narcissistic abuse have the feeling of, "if I can get through that shit, I can get through any shit." I can see that being a valuable asset if shit ever hits the fan in the real world. Us scapegoats will be ready to deal with the fallout while everyone else is still in denial of there being a problem to begin with.

[@ricardavandegrootepoort4297]

Similar to my experience 😢

[@marieketrompert4387]

❤

[@mm669]

Be careful when the dominant parental unit becomes ill or dies. The golden children rush in to fill the power vacuum and the scapegoating goes to a whole new level. Especially, if there is any money involved like in a Trust or Will.

[@jenniferlloyd9574]

I can attest that this is 100% true in every way.

[@Jstrong1966]

Were you robbed by the golden child after a death? My sister and I are the only 2 children of our Malignant Narcissist mother. She's just like mom if not worse. She got all of my dad's property, every bit of it. My dad had a son as well and she ended up with his too. He had a lot, seriously. Were you able to disarm and win against the golden child over an inheritance? If so, please share any tips and how it went down. I hope you got justice, if you're still working through it and want to share, I'd love to support you. We could chat in a more private messaging place. We both need our privacy. I'm going thru hell right now. No-contact and homeless, living in my disabled Jeep at the moment, in Iowa stranded at a Rest Stop off 1-380. I need antifreeze, and a new radiator probably, I just don't want to accept that right now. I've been here a week tomorrow. I have to get inside by tomorrow afternoon, it's cold and getting much colder tomorrow night. Wish me luck and hope that my spirits are lifted, I'm very sad, I can't shake this awful despair. 😢😮‍💨😵‍💫

[@anatta467]

this happened to me. I even caught them stealing from me. Got a lawyer, won. moved on and grey rocked them. the experience was terrible but the end result has been rewarding

[@CitizenTurtleIsland]

Yes, that was the cause for the final rift. I have had almost no contact, even indirectly with two older half brothers. It's sad. It's sad because this letting go (including of all the material items they took too) has been a blessing in my life.

[@AR-gn2yk]

This is true, it happened to me

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yes, this is my experience, I tried to point out that they'd hurt me. They threw themselves up on the cross. I argued back and tried to point out the inconsistencies and the lack of logic in their projection............. and I was stonewalled completely. I cannot just shrug over the fact that they think I'm the problem. That is such an injustice. My mother told me that she hopes I can be the person I was meant to be. Wow. The woman who has never self-reflected FOR A MOMENT hopes I can evolve.............. in to a person with no reaction to being hurt, gaslit, smeared, disrespected...

[@dnk4559]

I’m so sorry. I so know how maddening this is. I am trying to let go of any delusion that my family will finally see how abusive they are.

[@kr0wn.aSSaSSin]

my mother is the exact same!! says the same thing too! i feel ya!

[@TimesUp8888]

Do we have the same mother?

[@starseeds8121]

Yep.

[@grapeapeskates]

i hear you, every word.

[@patrickconnolly7799]

Yes, the scapegoat can’t confront, -they will be aggressively gaslighted. That’s my experience wit a family of 7 children.

[@Kim-wt2gl]

I've confronted my family on it. I went no contact with them. They are Sick people and that's an understatement.

[@cocogomez2278]

I turned 50 and my eyes opened. You nailed it. My sister has trained her family of 8 that I'm the crazy wild mean aunt/sister/person. She talks poorly of me even to family friends. I live 2000 miles away and rarely come home to visit because of the disfunction. She also never invited me for holidays although she invites the rest of the family. I tell her it'd be nice if she invited me so I can make a choice to fly home but she never does. Now that I've turned 50 and wasted so many years trying to gain her and her kids approval and try to build a relationship, I'm done and decided that's not healthy for me.

[@summerdogusa]

Same boat here!

[@chicaloca333]

Same here! I moved far away when She decided to get married quickly and not invite me to the wedding 😢 (My narc mom and all family were there)

[@cocogomez2278]

​@@chicaloca333I'm so sorry

[@miss_8thwonder]

@@chicaloca333 she imply as who

[@thelordsportion1273]

Yes,yes. I'm 52 so as a person I'm ready to move forward with my life. As a believer I want to make sure I share my healing found through Jesus Christ, but NOT at the cost of my sanity and healing. Because I just noticed I will also "sacrifice" myself (happiness,peace) in hopes to bring some sort of wholeness. Then I realized, I'm not God. So there's that, heal without them. Hope they get there one day, and love them from a distance.❤

[@mariojanaf5474]

Never give up on yourself... The truth will prevail... Make a plan and leave your family as soon as you can...

[@aena5995]

My country is shit too 😢😢 double trapp

[@starseeds8121]

👍

[@thecringeistoostrong]

how? i have no one or nowhere to go

[@pennycan51015]

They plan and plan ahead so we have no one and nowhere. But there's always a way it just may take planning and reaching out to strangers.

[@JodyFidelis]

@@thecringeistoostrong Me too. If I had money, I could start over. It's depressing. I want to leave.

[@athaisdubaie852]

I was the scapegoat big time in my family. I have no concept of what love is. I, also, have a major trust issue. I have three brothers and three sisters. One sister is a narcissist and I'm her target, probably because I am the scapegoat. Went no contact with all siblings because I needed to go no contact with the narcissist and knew that she would easily get them on her side because I was the scapegoat. Familial scapegoat abuse leaves lasting scars.

[@dnk4559]

Best wishes to you. I too am learning to walk away from them. They have shown me who they are so many times it hurts to think that I kept putting myself through that. No more!

[@deborahlindstrom3140]

I believe you! In the same boat. It just goes on. I have no relationship with my nieces and nephew. I hope you can heal and go on the live a worthwhile, meaningful life full of love!

[@clararob9869]

It’s really hard, I had two older sisters who bullied and were emotionally abusive to me my whole life, but I only had two I can’t imagine how it felt with 6

[@leahflower9924]

We can have our own tribe the scapegoat tribe I wish we all knew each other so we could have scapegoat tribe reunion barbeques

[@KR-ie5rg]

5 older sisters and 3 older brothers. As the youngest, I was labeled spoiled... yet I never had any parenting. Just handed down to each sibling as a burden. Any success I have caused jealousy and any mistake is taunted. I stopped going to family reunions to avoid their humiliation. Now they say I I'm a narcissist... after I gave them most of my money and so much more. So painful that I am a people pleaser and rescuer... yet framed as the opposite!

[@catielove5096]

The family gaslighting is lifelong and multigenerational. Thank you for this.

[@jnl3564]

I think it's important to note that in disfunctional families, every perception of the disfunctional parent is a projection. The children are not seen for who they are, ever. The splitting of the parent becomes the splitting of the children, GC and SG are just ways to describe whether the child has been made to identify with the "good" or "bad" projections, NONE OF WHICH are actual qualities of the child. It cannot be overstated how severely and catastrophically mentally ill these parents are. They do not possess a "self" in order to perceive the self of their child. It's all just playing out externally of the parents disfunctual inner split world. There is no grace, love, truth for the child to relax into. It's hell.

[@starseeds8121]

It is hell.

[@Joshdifferent]

It is terrible that we can’t just tell them exactly what is going on and they understand. I was a scapegoat of 5 children. It’s almost like I have to just deal with the fact that they are going to talk trash on me… Ridiculous. This is not family. These are just some people I know 🤷🏽‍♂️

[@sophibrumby9542]

His is the really hard bit to wrap my head around. I didn't want to believe they wouldn't listen: my brothers are caring, intelligent etc (outside of f.o.o.) they can't go there and now I'm working on trying to not feel guilty for rocking the boat..

[@dnk4559]

I have to accept that my siblings were part of the abuse and chose to be complicit in my Narc Dad’s behavior. We are all in our fifties. I can’t keep making excuses for them and hoping they will finally get it. I am working on accepting them and forgiving them while I protect myself at the same time.

[@KateGladstone]

Through well, the word “family” isn’t a synonym for the word “good.” As I see it, when people are that horrible, to call them “not family” is to let them off the hook: because, if someone can say “they aren’t family,” then that gives them an out to say that they’d have no responsibility to act like family.

[@DogsRuleGrandma]

I love my siblings. But I’m not begging for love anymore. That decision has freed me so much!

[@fifilafleur5555]

You got it! Not family!!!! Enemies. 💯💯💯

[@desireer6915]

To everyone that reads this: I hope you are doing better now. We are all stronger than we know! We will get through this and anything else that we face. I'm happy that you, awesome person reading this, are alive and breathing today. ❤ Wishing everyone well.

[@DawnDreams]

The "highly unlikely mother" scenario is me. If I end up triggered and acting weird, or big, I tell my kid directly "I wasn't treated nice as a kid and so I struggle sometimes, but this is a me thing, you're a good kid and there's nothing you did to cause this, I just need to be gentle with myself and I will feel better soon. I love you and you're a nice little guy". Because I needed that as a kid. It's awkward and I wish I was better. But I am here, so I am going to be real about that.

[@ravenspace]

I wrote my daughter a poem called, 'its not yours' which talks about how all the upset, weird or angry bits of me, existed long before she arrived in my life, that they are nothing to do with her and are broken bits i'm working to heal, I take full responsibility for my upset and apologise. I'm solo so i do get spent and tired. I tell her what i WISH i had been told.

[@emmahedgecock7091]

Thank you! I want to work out most of my issues before having kids but understand healing is not black and white and well I’m not abusive but I can stonewall and shut down and don’t want to turn cold on their father (whoever that is lol). I really REALLY appreciate your comment and will add if I ever do behave a way I don’t like well then how can I accept responsibility and be the best mom possible. This is kind of an epiphany for me and I really appreciate it. I will strive to be my best, but if ever I fall short, even for normal reasons, letting them know that yes that did jsut happen but no it was not because of you and no you never have to accept everything just because someone loves or says you love you (more a fundamental message I want them to understand) is something eye opening. Thank you. Even if I’m too tired to play and it has nothing to do with trauma I like the idea of being honest with them. Healthy honesty. NOT parentification. Appreciate you and it seems like you’ve found good tools for being the best parent possible :)

[@tanyabrayer]

I read something recently that said the most important thing a parent can do for their child is be willing to repair the mistakes they make, because mistakes are going to happen and the expectation that they won't is one more way we perpetuate the cycle of shame and abuse we experienced as children. (Hello Perfectionism, we meet again.) When I see or read about parents like you, who are fighting to break this cycle and do better for their own children it fills my heart to the brim. 💛 Thank you for sharing your courage with us. I hope you and your little guy are both doing well!!

[@xbemos]

Oh my gosh thank you for that wording. I needed this for my kids. I try to explain it but it’s over explaining. This is so gentle and loving and to the point

[@cpuffer7978]

I'm truly glad to see younger moms recognizing how it could affect your kids and doing the healing! I was not so lucky. I knew (long before the internet) that the generational dysfunction was toxic, and I just tried to raise my daughters with limited exposure to it. When I was 49 years old, the floodgates opened when it finally dawned on me that, at 12 years old - being grounded to your room for a month because you developed an absessed tooth while on holiday and "ruined everyone's vacation"- was not only dysfunctional but abusive. I tried for many years to just keep the peace. When I decided I needed space to heal, my adult children rejected me for going no contact with their grandparents. They think I'm the abusive one because I stopped being the family scapegoat and took the doormat off my back.

[@andreadonegan4780]

I’m the scapegoat of my family. My brother was the golden child and was very self destructive. He died when he was 29. I have no time for my family and am successful. It’s pleasantly satisfying

[@gandalfthegray7425]

I am glad you are doing so well

[@laughoncomedy2923]

I can't wait to be successful and ignore them all

[@Frensthescandinavian]

That doesn't make you any better does it. You just have to be proud and enjoy what you do and not be dependent on other people's opinions.

[@pennycan51015]

My brother who is the golden child is finally seeing my parents for what they are and the abuse he sustained from seeing them be the way to me that they were and that it affected him, but is still in denial(or playing along still) of the abuse of being made to believe the lies about me that were drilled in to him his whole life.

[@steveb3303]

You still believing your a victim... Keep being a victim, you'll be one your whole life.

[@joannabrites9857]

This is my childhood to the T. The sad part I’m 58 yrs old and my sister and mother do this to me constantly. No more! They will always deny it no matter what because they’re incapable of looking inside themselves.

[@AnnAndNala]

This is me too, I'm 55 years old, and my mother-sister duo were absolutely horrible my entire life, no matter how kind I was. I can't count how many times I promised myself that if I just acted "perfect" and projected more love, then they would change. But that only made them worse because the outside world sees me as a good and kind person, and they hated that. Three years ago, I had to finally go no-contact for life, as well as that entire side of the family (relatives and all) because my mother-sister duo would speak horribly about me to them all, even though I'm always kind, quiet, nice, try to make myself small to make them feel better, considerate etc. I could not put myself in their abusive line of fire any more. Better late than never. The healing process has been long and difficult, but I hold strong to hope and knowing who I truly am. Sending you love and light Joanna, from a fellow scapegoat. 🕊🦋

[@What_I_Think_Happened]

@@AnnAndNala This was my experience too. I still don't know why third parties don't speak up against it.

[@Alsatiagent]

@@What_I_Think_Happened If your abuser is covert, they may not even think it possible that there is a problem. We've all heard "black sheep of the family" stories. No doubt many of those sheep were the decent ones. Have a good autumn!

[@dkelly6492]

"deny it no matter what because they’re incapable of looking inside themselves." - yes - they absolutely can't see it. Either they wake up to themselves or they don't. I'm going through the same thing now to at 41 years old. I've emotionally and physically distanced myself from my family in recent years and they can't understand why, even after I've told them many many times. Which of course elicits a negative group response (classic enmeshed family dynamics I think).

[@leahflower9924]

The funny thing about narcs is they can write people off or blame others like nobody's business but as a scapegoat I had the opposite problem I couldn't write people off that were toxic when I should have, so I let them in and they put their toxic abuse on me and I became even more of a scapegoat, vicious cycle

[@vanessadavis5771]

You blew my fuckinh mind.. I am diagnosed Complex PTSD. I have an eating disorder, I was an addict for 8 years. I’m 2 years sober. I am fearful avoidant. I’ve started to understand that I am what is called a “scapegoat” and my sister the golden child, but the way you just explained all of my mental illnesses, disorders and addiction in direct connection to being the scapegoat honestly got me crying. All this time thinking every problem I’ve had was because I’m a piece of shit that just can’t get anything right, and in reality it could’ve been avoided if my parents just did there job..

[@dnk4559]

You are not a piece of shit, they just needed a place to dump their self loathing because they are weak. Healing had been very hard work but I’m starting to see that all of the negative projections never had anything to do with me. They are sick people just repeating the cycle of dysfunction.

[@kr0wn.aSSaSSin]

Same, same, same!! I'm crying too! 😭😭😭

[@vanessadavis5771]

@@dnk4559 thank you for those kind words. I appreciate you and hope you the best

[@dnk4559]

@@vanessadavis5771 and the same to you. Don’t give up! Just keep heading in the right direction. Get or stay in therapy get so strong and live so well that when they still try to knock you down you know who you are without a doubt. (This is what I’m working on!)

[@evadebruijn]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@gillmahoney4742]

It is helpful that you said ‘dont expect them to change’

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

I refuse to be spoken to as if I am flawed.

[@steveb3303]

Project much ?

[@firecatwilson]

​@steveb3303 speaking of projection... you obviously can't handle someone else who has a feeling. Work on that, instead of leaving immature comments on YT. Attacking someone else isn't the answer.

[@julia.rhiannon]

Yes i finally see the difference between this and constructive criticism. It can be really subtle and feels true until you can identify it.

[@suellenbrewster239]

You are far more intelligent and knowledgeable than 90% of therapists imho :) . Thank you for sharing your gifts, talents, and the fruit of all of your hard work.

[@PaulyShore898]

The only way for my parents to win my forgiveness is to never talk to me again but leave a considerable inheritance for me when they die. The scary thing about narcissistic parents is sometimes I feel they want to outlive their own children.

[@alicialockard5964]

I'm not getting an inheritance and neither are you my friend. Live your life freely with a loose tongue.

[@PlaywithDaisy]

You’re petty like me🤣🤣🤣💖💖💖🔥🔥🔥

[@vladimirofsvalbard9477]

You don't want their inheritance bud, trust me. It's like blood money one way or another. It will haunt you in your sleep.

[@elaineduncanson1474]

You have just explained my extreme shyness as a young child. I was certain that everyone could see how bad I was and anything I produced was unsatisfactory. My first marriage was truly abusive.

[@joannabrites9857]

You fight with everyone so it must be you! No, I’m the only one being accused of everything and what I feel means zero to the rest of the family. The sad part is the one brother who treated me decent will no believe me or support me. That’s sad because he’s a coward and won’t confront the family and that makes him just as guilty.

[@kmimsatl]

This is what I've just realized with my brother! It hurt pretty badly too..

[@destroyraiden]

my narc sibling and I are fighting as well they want a yes always full stop and since it's always a no from me they hate me so much! this sibling thinks they can bully me, abuse me, cross my boundries and I'm suppose to say "yes come on through!" no way! I'm a scapegoat with claws and teeth and my dysfunctional family hate I can't just "get along" like I'm suppose to do that when they're abusive, threaten me, or try to harm me in other ways I'm the issue for standing up for myself or adhering to/having needs!

[@sleepers123]

Oh gosh I am right there with you. You are not alone. I was 42 the last time my mom slapped me. I am now 44 and have gone no contact.

[@colleenpage1265]

I have a brother like this too. He says he supports me but his actions speak another story. He goes along with the scapegoating family to get along and make his own life easier. Thats Not a brother!

[@jessithanks8082]

Some of us don't end up in bad relationships. Some of us just avoid them altogether. We also don't always get into trouble as adults. I seem to do better the less time I have to spend around certain family members.

[@Jaxxon123]

Exactly. Not all Scapegoats are depressed or have low self esteem. I’ve mostly avoided romantic relationships. I’m more of a lone wolf and rather enjoy it. I was the scapegoat who fought back, the truth teller. I live a life of peace and quiet, so drastically different from the hell I grew up with.

[@Peter-mj6lz]

Isn’t it still kind of an issue with attachment to avoid relationships though? I think although not mentally affected in an outer way as much, it still seems internal as to feel the need to avoid relationships.

[@mm669]

My golden child older sister developed into a very charming highly materially successful person with no empathy and great at gaslighting.

[@johnlovesbridge]

Same exact scenario with my older sister! You're not alone.

[@kattystuff]

Don't worry. She may not be as charming as you think. Enlightened souls will see her for who she REALLY is. The only people charmed by her are probably 'yes men' and sycophants

[@dnk4559]

I am definitely the main scapegoat. Oldest parentified child. I always made good grades though and graduated at the top of my class always trying to prove my worth, perfectionistic and anxious, had my childhood taken away was always blamed when things went wrong. Now parents have passed had hoped things would be better with siblings but they have taken up where our narcissistic father left off.

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

This has been my experience, as well.

[@dnk4559]

@@mayyourwishesallcometrue I’m so sorry you’ve had to go to through this also!

[@CristinaAcosta]

Me too.

[@sallybirks1851]

Its scarey that although my NPD mum is dead the rest of the family are up holding the rules. Im still excluded from family events and treated badly. I have made the decision now that I AM DONE. No more of this for me! Its too soul destroying and not worth it 💔

[@dnk4559]

@@sallybirks1851 I’m so sorry you too are experiencing this.

[@annkelly8613]

I do not agree with the fact that the narcissist parent does not know what he / she is doing. I was the scapegoat and still is according to my narcissistic mother. I can tell you, she 100% knows what she was and is doing. I always knew something was off with her since I was a toddler and that's why she hates me so much. I discovered she was a narcissist in my teenage years and has always fought back instead of gobbling the BS. I came to term with myself and mourned the fact that I never had a mother and will never have one. I was lucky enough to have a loving aunt helping me getting through that. I am now an adult and still working on setting boundaries (for I was never taught how to and learned that it was a bad thing, which got me in some dangerous situations). My teacher was / is life itself and I'm happy I got through all the stuff I was put through. I promised myself never to replicate what my mum did to me if I ever have to have a child. I'm going to honour that promise.

[@damien678]

Generally speaking, a very important quality that makes a narcissist is a shocking lack of self-awareness, and giving no thought nor attention to others and what they may need. So, in a sense, many don't know what they're really doing, in the big picture of it all. They certainly do know when they're being willfully hurtful towards us, though. Which narcissists feel justified in doing quite a lot.

[@emmahedgecock7091]

I started fighting back too. Fucked yo thing is it took me until 28 to realize that me just not having it at 15 anymore and telling her off when she told me off and reveling was like not because it was all my fault but actually I was a kid. Even if you don’t know what’s wrong you can still have an idea somethings not right. I don’t view all narcissists as bad but I’m not sure I can ever view my mom as good because of her utter just like being a total bitch sometimes to put it softly.

[@beingheardmedia6339]

Excellent points. With all due respect: I will not be forgiving them. Period. When they take responsibility for what THEY did, then that becomes a possibility. I don't care that they were hurt. They were grown ups and responsible for their own actions. They all the power and thus all the choices. Forgiving people who aren't sorry is a waste of time and energy and shows profound disrespect for myself and the trauma I went through. And since I choose to RESPECT myself and what I've gone through and to not take responsibility for things I didn't do, that's where it stands. I hope no one else wastes time on trying to forgive folks who aren't sorry. Abusers are responsible for their own delusions.

[@Jaxxon123]

💯

[@rainbowconnected]

Totally valid. I feel similarly. Lots of people told me that I should try to understand that they were traumatized too, have compassion for them, forgive etc. as a first step. That did a lot of harm and kept me believing they'd understand my experience and apologize. Unsurprisingly, they didn't and saw it as a license to continue the abuse. It also stopped me from focusing on how the abuse harmed me, what the impact truly was and taking steps to help myself heal. My attitude at this point is that forgiveness of them is the last step in healing, if ever. It only needs to happen if the person who was abused wants and needs that for themselves. You don't owe it to them.

[@silentgrove7670]

I was the scapegoat. :( I still get told by people on a regular basis there is something wrong with me, too sensitive is common. ENFP.

[@heidipriebe1]

Sensitivity is an incredible gift - it's what keeps us in touch with our humanity (and is therefore one of the strongest and most resilient traits one can possess). I'm sorry you've gone through that. Know that there are many out there (myself very much included) who are so happy that sensitive people like you (and myself) exist 🖤

[@mac-ju5ot]

My dad just repeated the cy me of abuse ge we t through...ive had difficulty with those I have dated abd they were users. Its realky common....psychologist. Therapist always switst my words .ive only had one realky good therapist as a teen...she rocked trained in Prague.

[@JustaMomentinTime]

Those people judge you not because you are weak, but because they themselves fear they are. They push upon our strengths, because they realize its something they can't fake or steal and that scares them to death. None of their fear or trauma is your fault and it is not your responsibility to teach them the wisdom they refuse to learn. Your heart is a gift and this world was waiting for you to be born, because your capacity to shine is going to help heal so many hearts, just by being you 🫂 To me and to many others, you are beautiful and cherished ❤ With love, from an INFJ 🦋

[@sharontansey7449]

Much Love x

[@duchess7752]

@@JustaMomentinTime So poetically written. I, too, am an INFJ and this thread resonates with me so much. My parents scapegoated me, and now that they have died, I am left with a golden child of a brother and all of the inheritance money. His mask fell off the day my father died and he found out that he’d have to respect me in order to work through the burial and probate process. My brother grabbed me during the funeral to try and force an image as the choir sang during the funeral, since I’ve had to call the police for him stealing everything from keys to large equipment to pawn. A boy bum with mommy issues breeding with another codependent woman. I feel for my nephew… but I am FREE AT LAST!!! Years of mental psychological abuse that the world pretends is inadmissible leaves one feeling alone and rejected. Years of therapy thinking it was me and I needed to be fixed- Indeed I did, but I would never have done it if I hadn’t moved away from them when I did. And they have done everything to make me pay for leaving at 17. May they rest in peace, and God do what he wants with them. “Waste not your prayers on those who don’t believe….”

[@billyd1436]

My family problems came from seeing the myths that were being created around the "perfection and superiority" of the family... which was actually patriarchal, racist, misogynistic, alcoholic and narcissistic. I saw all of that, and then did all the personal inner work that I had to do to for myself, and to escape the family culture, which was a huge threat to everyone else. I was the quiet truth teller, and constantly targeted, gaslit and invalidated. I have spent my whole adult life trying to "work with them" in subtle and compassionate ways, but the more you make sense to them, the more threatened they feel. Last month, I walked away for the last time. Can't take it anymore, I need to look after myself and my own happiness. They have stolen too much from me... time to reclaim what is mine.

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

Oh. My. Goodness. Yes!

[@lisabeaumont]

@Dans white yes! The only way to not “cause” a ruckus is to keep your mouth shut and pretend the abuse isn’t happening because literally ANYTHING you say will be used to beat you around the head with.

[@light11116]

Good for you! I am attempting to walk away permanently. I tried before and got reeled back in. But things will never change. They are committed to seeing us in a completely negative light. They are committed to the lies about us. We deserve so much more. We have the ability to achieve a healthy life far, far away from this evil family system. I want that for myself and everyone else.

[@Casiusrogers]

This

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for sharing my work (and book) on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) with your audience, Heidi. Much appreciated. And I just subscribed to your channel!

[@authentictothecore]

I still need to order that Rebecca.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@authentictothecore Amazon also has the paperback and hardback, if you don't want digital.

[@marie-sophielandry3566]

Is your book been translated in french?

[@maribelsantana157]

I went from Golden child to scapegoat and therapy saved me from breaking myself apart.

[@AnnAndNala]

Thank you for this. I was the scapegoat, and to basically save my life, I had to cut out my entire family, relatives and all to keep my self safe from the scapegoat mother-sister duo. It's been about 3 years since I finally confronted them and kindly but firmly stated my boundaries. That obviously enraged them, and so I've gone no-contact for life. It's a healing journey, but to know what it is now, and know that there are others who can relate is mind blowing, yet comforting. I'm in my 50's so the damage has been long and severe, but I have hope. Love and light to all of the other scapegoats out there. I wish you healing, happiness and true love in your life. 🕊🦋

[@gillmahoney4742]

Jthat is very strong of you. I am 76 and my 90 year old brother still ostrasizes me and i cant break off or i just break down

[@thebeautyoflife327]

I hope you’re still doing well on your healing journey! ❤

[@fiat2496]

God bless you . I feel your pain. I wish you all the best in life

[@suap309]

🕊️ I'm exactly the same. I now focus on being kind and not critical in my thoughts, on god's love, inner healing, on my friends, my cats, my artwork, meditation, nature. It's been around 10 years since I've seen any of my family. Since then, God's worked on healing me they are still as abusive as they ever were. They kill the spirit of every person they come into contact with. I've forgiven them but This is a generational spiritual battle for me and I'm winning because I have GOD on my side FOREVER. I'm in a good recovery group for family members abused by addicts/narcs.

[@leahflower9924]

I want to get a t shirt that says I Survived Being the Scapegoat 🐐

[@dnk4559]

Me too!!!

[@creativerebelution]

Every family function was organised without my involvement I was just invited after. Left out of so many things and there's always an excuse

[@dnk4559]

This has gotten worse in my family the older we’ve gotten. They healthier I’ve gotten in therapy the more threatened and abusive they have become. A very sad situation all around.

[@NothingToSeeHere1141]

This happens to me too and then it blew up months ago when I called them out and asked why I wasn't invited to a full family cookout. I'm talking extended family members. I was not clued in until the cookout was actually happening. Of course I was upset and they twisted it and said I was overly emotional and needed to go to inpatient care. I said I'm angry for being deceived I'm not suicidal over it. They threatened to call the cops to do a welfare check. Luckily I could take that power away from them because our local chief of police is on my private neighborhood watch FB page. I reached out to him and sent him screenshots of the threats. He said to tell them they will be charged for false reporting if they call. I did. Nobody involved has spoken to me since then. I just told one person that I'm still in contact from time to time (who wasn't involved in the prior drama) I was prepping to move out of state. This person told everyone and now everyone is attacking me telling me I don't care about the family and how could I give up on them that way? When I reminded them they weren't speaking to me, I was called all kind of names and gaslighted. I am going to have to cut my entire family off if I have a chance to save my sanity. I'm barely holding on as it is.

[@dnk4559]

@@NothingToSeeHere1141 I’m so sorry you are going through this. After studying narcissistic personality and family systems led by narcissistic parents (and now siblings) I now understand that there is no sense in me calling them out on anything. Anything I say or do will be used against me. I’m damned if I do or if I don’t. They are part of a sick family system and I am free now!

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

@@dnk4559 Yes!!!!

[@deborahlindstrom3140]

@@NothingToSeeHere1141 don’t react out of pain. It’s not safe to do so with these people and they don’t care. They will gaslight your ass and you’ll be the problem. If you can, organize your own cookout.

[@katiebee2937]

Wow this is sad. Remember folks life is short, time is precious and some bridges just ain’t worth building.

[@umchinagirard1800]

Scapegoat child in Netflix documentary the ‘trials of Gabrielle fernandez’, and the whole village failed him, in an episode they actually talk about family scapegoating behaviour and hidden abuse

[@HollyJordan15]

That will be difficult to watch 😢

[@thegreatjohannes]

I think this is the best video on scapegoated children because you address all the main facets. The belief you are inherently bad, not knowing what love is, being called insane, not having the vocabulary to expose the parents (until much later in life), passing on your own scapegoating to others, etc. I found Alice Miller as well, a decade ago. In my case, I adopted a self-deprecating style such as Charlton Heston in the original Planet of the Apes movie, so I kept verbally lowering myself, because that is what I was forced to internalize. It took me until age 41 to figure this out and stop putting myself down. ... And now I have to face the fact that I lost half my life due to abuse. But I still have another half to live for.

[@TimesUp8888]

People who actually like me still have to remind me to stop apologizing for myself all the time, to be more self-assured and assertive. People who are toxic (eg my family) are always telling me I've got some apologizing to do for my latest wrong. [Which often was an action or statement intended with highest love for them, that they intentionally misunderstood as something, anything, negative or evil on my part.] At least I have a perfect radar detector for who's who. This knowledge, however, has so far done very little to lessen my sadness about it....

[@davspa6]

I agree I have seen other videos on dysfunctional families, but somehow this one just went straight forward and told exactly what needed to be said. The main thing she was saying is it results in beliefs so you could spend the rest of your life thinking something is wrong with you... So you need help with understanding as well as having friends who don't see you that way ... 🙂

[@peat_dont_repeat]

When the scapegoat gets married. The extended families start scapegoating the scapegoat. They are all having affairs. I get triggered from the song family affair. It hurts so much when the scapegoat realizes what that really means. My case growing up I was The lost child then became the scapegoat. This is really horrible

[@dkelly6492]

I only just came across this concept during this past week. I've known for some years now (I'm in my 40s now) that my family's dynamic was dysfunctional and unhealthy, even up until this day. "The system itself is oriented around ensuring the emotional needs of the parent are either met or at the least, not severely triggered." - this rang so true for me. I also never realised that I was (and still am) the scapegoat child until this week; it's been a massive eye opener but it's also really hard to accept and deal with. I've become increasingly estranged from my family in recent years by my own choice because I just couldn't deal with the toxic dynamic anymore. We are slowly starting to work through this through family therapy but it's early days.

[@ericnorthman9410]

If you are not therapist you are one of the most knowledgable I have heard. You've hit the nail on the head in 95 percent. I knew I was a good person but was traumatized by them not liking me. By the way - you have beautiful hair , Thank you for your knowledge it was helpful knowing someone understood..

[@howtosober]

Yup. And now the narcissist parents (yup, both of them) are getting old, sick, and in need of help, and the siblings are negotiating who takes responsibility for what- so the feelings are 100x more complicated. The accuracy of this breakdown- despite the fact none of it is new information- absolutely fills me with justified rage.

[@janefreeman995]

I fortunately was apprised of the scapegoat role early on. Brother was golden child. Basically my dad was nasty and in order to cope I was constantly the family's channel for disrespect and negativity. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse. This all happened in an upscale community where denial is a strong barrier to recognition. It became even generational. I offered my house in Hawaii to my nephew and wife for their honeymoon and they trashed it. Truly it wasnt just messy. It was the familiar message that we dont respect you. Fortunately, l left early on. I did experience ptsd and free floating anxiety for years. I was blessed unconditional love. I never got involved in drugs. I did have toxic friendships. Never married, but have managed to live a life of rich experiences. To love oneself is a lifelong study.

[@autisticflapper]

I fit both this role and the lost child role, as a child who was labeled "special needs" growing up. Turns out my other siblings aren't exactly neurotypical either, but they didn't have to grow up feeling limited. We rarely ever speak to each other anymore, the bonds never existed.

[@creativerebelution]

I was golden child when I was pleasing my mother and then scapegoat at other times

[@northofyou33]

I was the scaepgoat of my malignant narcissist mother, and she enlisted my siblings to join in the ongoing attacks on me. I have spent my life in therapy and 12 step programs as a result. It's a lifelong journey trying to recover from this horrible childhood. I had a very bad marriage (married a narcissist), clearly because my scapegoating did not give me any understanding of healthy relationships at all. My self perception led me into sexual addictions rather than drugs or crime. I figured, of course I'm bad, so I'm going to pursue this married man. My siblings only started treating me like a human being when my mother died.

[@onemorechance2037]

I have often been the other woman in the past many times. I just figured it's not going to work out anyway so I'll just pick someone who will give me affection and intimacy that they're not getting from their spouse until it Fizzles out.

[@keithstewart7514]

That's more than I can say good about my famdamnly

[@iamintentional]

Or, they isolate themselves, (especially from bad people); they blend in/become invisible as a protective measure from incoming shame and pain. It's like a stink or a sign you wear that says: "free punching bag". I was walking out of the market one day and a woman and her kids were driving by. She slammed on her brakes and began screaming at me. She accused me of trying to break up her family? I am a recluse. I keep my head down and always wear a baseball cap. I had no idea who she was. Her kids were terrified. I knew exactly how they felt.

[@laurakhaydon]

You're not alone - I have similar experiences and am also reclusive for the same reasons. My heart goes out to you. Good luck in the future

[@dean8705]

Oh jesus. Yeah I've had this a lot. Thought I did something.

[@tonigarguilo9510]

To all of us Scapegoats every where: WISHING YOU A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING! YOU MATTER, AND WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER. ***YOU ARE DEARLY LOVED ❤ ♥** Never forget that. Wish I could have you all over for T-Day dinner today. We'd eat, laugh, cry and do some healing. And then we'd dig in to desserts! God bless you doubly today, my beloved brothers & sisters.

[@KellenAdair]

Thank you sooo much, post the entire Holiday Season‼️🎄 ⚖️ May our live*s continue to heal.

[@Luxkywalk3r]

Here to give hope: my family is now split in half. The half thats going to therapy is TOTALLY CHANGED and was able to see through roles and go the other way and start loving relationships with each other. Those who are not going to therapy keep repeating their old patterns and hurt themselves snd others. So even if its hard...therapy really really works

[@jillchaban7693]

This is fantastic and so true.. it confirms all I have dealt with.. I am now 56.. you can’t rationalize with them.. it’s either low contact or no contact.. so sad that extended family who witnessed all this says nothing to the scapegoat…

[@sue5158]

I was 12 years old when I said to myself being good has gotten me nowhere, so I'm going to be bad and be really good at it.

[@Datb2]

YES!!!

[@EveningTV]

This is an excellent video! I was the family scapegoat and of course went on to marry an abuser who was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and he honed in on my family's tendency to blame me and never have my back probably figured it would be useful to him when he was ready to discard me, and sure enough he weaponized my family against me, Once I was destroyed and exiled the scapegoat role went to my eldest son, and sadly he didn't survive it.

[@Leslie-hv7uj]

I'm so sorry. 😢 I hope this doesn't happen to my children.

[@natalies9398]

This is exactly the story of my life. Meanwhile, I do never let them get close enough to my children. I will not let them bring harm to my motherhood.

[@markartist8646]

65 years old. I did a cutoff of my scapegoating mom. Huge step in my healing, but difficult. Thanks for not trying to make yourself a guru, but instead recommending resources outside of yourself.

[@MichelleRenee44]

THIS IS POWERFUL! WOW! My dad is dying and everyone is throwing daggers at me because I am not rushing home. I have done a ton of healing work, but this is interesting and makes sense. My stepmother has always made me feel this way, unfortunately my dad allowed it. The good news is I am at peace with everything, I forgive him and yet they all are still trying to do this to me. It was debilitating my entire life. I am done with all of them, no more toxicity. I have always believed something was wrong with me, until I started doing the deep work. Thank you for sharing this, sincerely!!!

[@NEO_Trojanmuldrop4]

Yuppppppp

[@umchinagirard1800]

This video great the bit at 26 minutes… the warning should be at the front please and stop other scapegoat victims going up all in their families… it’s so dangerous to try to get family to ‘recognise this abuse!!! You will be disinherited! public awareness etc… be careful about when healing ❤️‍🩹 sharing this with family A scapegoat family will not cope or heal I don’t like that Hurt people, hurt people (that’s gaslighting language too 😔) It’s power hungry entitled abusive people that hurt people Some hurt people work very hard not to hurt people

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yeh, my parents told me they have no idea why I appointed them as figures of hate. But the opposite is true. My therapist warned me they would never get it, but I thought that they would be the exception not the rule. I actually elevated them not demonised them. I projected on to them the capacity to eventually listen and reflect. But NO. Of course not.

[@megamillionfreak]

I was 11 when the term "projecting" came to my mind in the context of my highly dysregulated, narcissistic and sadistic mother heaping abuse on me; I literally thought to myself, "She is projecting this nonsense onto me" when I sensed she is hating herself when she's acting hateful and abusive toward me.

[@catielove5096]

Heidi, you describe my life in such clear terms, childhood through old age. 66 yrs and I finally understand myself in the context of the family system. Truly the gaslighting never ends. I’m learning through therapy to dig out the internalized scapegoat

[@christinabalas3218]

Hi catie! I just had my 66th birthday on May 15th. I have listened to many videos in the past few years trying desperately to understand WHY I have hated myself so much my whole life. I watched this video 3 weeks ago and have listened 3 times since. I had heard the term before but didn't think it applied to me. WOW! Thank you Heidi! It was truly a "light bulb moment"!

[@ericnorthman9410]

My mother perpetuated the story of me as the "black sheep" ?! I knew we disagreed on many things But I was shocked when her friend called me that - That is exactly how it was, parents needs only met. We were possessions and needed to be seen - not heard. No love, affection. I was the scapegoat , my sister was the golden child And yes it was exactly like that. Told we were treated the same - NOT true. It's like you were there.

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

Holy Hell! Yes!

[@Joshua_8277]

My mom one time dragged me to her therapist bc she told me she was bringing each of her children there but I was the only one out of 4 who ever went. When the therapist asked what the problem is my mom pointed at me and said “there it is you’re looking at it.” Her big complaint about me was that I washed the dishes but left them on the drying mat to dry, which I did bc that’s what she did. Apparently that was an example of how I’m unreliable. She never got called out by the therapist. I later went to see the same therapist and mentioned it to her and she said, “yeah I couldn’t believe she said that.” My faith in therapy isn’t high. I have found that they just reinforce what the patient wants to hear.

[@dean8705]

They just want your money

[@nobodynowhere21]

I left the family. Kept my mother. It was like leaving a cult. The pandemic has created very unique opportunities for people to exploit information/perception gaps to systematically undermine your reputation with the broader family. They're trying to cut you out of the tribe like a cancer, but they can't allow themselves to say it out loud. I couldn't separate my desire to help with my own needs, so now I start over. Luckily, my new family will be a family of CHOICE that values healthy boundaries and sees 'failure' as opportunity. They told me I was crazy, now I wonder who the "crazy" ones were. It's like in that social deduction game Avalon and you're playing as Merlin but it's not a fun game it's a nightmare-reality and some of the players think they will win the "game" by identifying the Merlin. It's a real life version of psychohorror-Jumanji.

[@umchinagirard1800]

Yes nightmare succession planning

[@TimesUp8888]

Yes. .this happened to me too. I just keep waiting for this knowledge to somehow make me feel better about it, but it still feels heartbreakingly sad.

[@thecringeistoostrong]

this is happening to me now 24/7 it is very sad

[@Spitfireseven]

This is a great description of what goes on. Deluxe, detailed explanations like this can sometimes leave someone floored that they are not the only ones in the world that have had these experiences. Wow!! I wish I had known about all this when I was 21. Now I'm 68 and just making so many discoveries. I can tell you the blackness of the clouds do disappear and the sun shines in your heart like you never thought it could. It all comes with the realization, "I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!" and "I AM GOOD AND WORTHY!" Yes the sun can shine!

[@ericnorthman9410]

My sister being the golden child and was so full of entitlement she said she just didn't believe I wasn't treated the same - we were NOT. We haven't spoken for 10 years because of what she has done. I was anti social and thought why should I care about myself if Noone else does. I didn't think I was bad, I knew I wasn't loved and yes it was for life ..

[@jengalinski]

I was raised being alternated between the scapegoat and the golden/hero child. It's been quite the journey back. And even after 20+ years into recovery, I'm still surprised by some of my blind spots. Both ACoA and Pete Walker's book were total game changers for me, too. I can't recommend them enough. Thanks, Heidi

[@chanellemulan8004]

OMG I'm in tears 😢 This hits me so deep. This perfectly describes my life.

[@christinabalas3218]

Sending you BIG CYBER HUGS! I echo your words! I am 66 years old and am so grateful to Heidi - I can now live the rest of my life - however short - without self-hatred.

[@joannamahar6372]

My teenage daughter and I just watched this and I’m mindblown. I didn’t know this was a thing other than that I live it with my relationship with my parents and brothers. Thank you

[@leahflower9924]

I see people do all these walks for different causes at the park near me I want to do a Scapegoat walk lol

[@byekk2251]

My teenage daughter is at risk of seeing me as the scapegoat because of how she sees my family treats me and also how I have believed I am not worthy. I'm trying to heal and distance myself from the family and have self respect so she escapes this horrible dynamic

[@darkcrystalmagik3369]

I needed to hear this tonight. I cried thru at least 20- 25 min worth of the video. And I've known I was the scapegoat since a young teen, 25+ yrs (I read a lot, not much else to do locked in your room all the time). I searched youtube for scapegoat videos, this one was so much MORE than the others, I was shocked the presenter wasn't a therapist at least if not a psychologist. Just a highly Intelligent, empathic informed person who gets it I guess. Gonna check out what else on the channel I can relate to... I did therapy with a dozen mental health providers in my life but just now started trauma informed therapy and treatment for CPTSD. Just realized my mother isn't just bipolar, (if that's even accurate, tho it seems to still ring true) but also has BPD. And my father is very narcissistic. My younger sister was the Golden Child. While my parents threatened to terminate their parental rights for yrs then to have me

[@ProudEve1]

Evil is a CHOICE.

[@Maybe-jg4ef]

It's about TIME someone said what you said! I'm so sick of excuses such as "it's their pain and fear" or "hurt people HURT people" justifications out there. I've seen people with way worser setups be the kindest people I ever knew

[@steveb3303]

So is identifying as a victim.

[@janwillis99]

I don't feel "badness". I feel strongly that my other sibling was "important" and I was "unimportant". I have an inherent fear that I am boring and unworthy/unlovable.....but not that I am evil or bad. My brother was allowed to bully me with no repurcussions while my narcissistic mother claimed that all was fair in the family

[@yukifeline2037]

This blew the wind out of me. I went no contact with my family after meeting my fiancé at 21. Same kinda codependent abuse but way better than my family. At 30 my fiancé ended things with me and I started healing myself without completing my Core wounds of unworthiness, I immediately tried to forgive everyone who did me wrong only to have the wounds deepened. Thank you for that enlightenment. I don’t think I’m ready to forget just yet

[@fiat2496]

good for you for getting away from them! Have you read Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker? I come from a lot of abuse. I was scapegoated by two sociopathic parents. This book helped me a lot.( I have no affiliation with the author fyi)

[@betinansi201]

Thanks Heidi. Really sad what we scapegoats go through. 😭😭😭

[@monicab8176]

Pete Walker’s book is so deep. I cried so hard thru most of it bc it made me feel less alien but also v overwhelmed at how many problems I have had to deal with. Made me understand why the lingering feeling of not wanting to live shows up in so many instances.

[@protagorastar1220]

I appreciate you being so candid Katie, alot of people beat around the bush on this topic.

[@Mbspitz851]

The other children are addicts. The family scapegoat started counseling at 30 and is the only healthy person in the family. That scapegoat was me.

[@gandalfthegray7425]

You slay girl !!🎉

[@deborahlindstrom3140]

I am getting ready for two more TV interviews regarding my sister Tracii Hutsona. I did one a week ago and I slayed it. I am a therapist narcissistic abuse survivor and am listening to as many KZbin videos as possible to make sure I’m in the right headspace to send a message. Millions will be watching and I want to help. Your video will be very helpful. Our family was so narcissistic that the behavior of one ended up on a national stage.

[@quarteracreadventures855]

I hope you crushed it in your interview. I'd love to see it; can you share a link?

[@nancieerhard420]

I have watched many videos on this topic, having been the family scapegoat, with a set of parents who were addicted, mentally ill, and abusive. This is by far the most accurate description of what is like and what it can do to a person, as well as the steps to recovery. I have worked hard to heal, and thanks to my brother who quite quickly after he learned about family roles validated my experience, I am begin toning to slowly rebuild relationships with my other siblings. What you say at the end about recognizing their wounds and those of the parents is so true. Thank you for this video. I am sure it will help many.

[@Grounded_Gravity]

When I was about 17, my mom told me she had always resented me because I reminded her of her sister, who was favored over her growing up. I'm SO grateful that she had the level of awareness to understand this and admit it to me, even though a lot of the damage had already been done. At least I've been able to understand on a conscious level that it was her deal, not me. I'm still unlearning my self-hatred and learning self-love in my thirties, so unconsciously I still learned that I'm deeply inherently flawed, and the ramifications of this really held me back in life, but I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if she had continued to let me believe that it was all me. This video puts so much of my life in perspective.

[@steve_pooch]

I was the scapegoat.... it's a lonely battle of a life

[@steveb3303]

Keep blaming your family and you can be a victim for the rest of your life.

[@steve_pooch]

@@steveb3303 because you're in my shoes right? Because you know what happened on the inside of my life right? Because you actually know me and my story right? Because you still deal with direct ramifications of it today after cutting contact with the offenders years ago right? Thumb warrior expert over here........

[@dean8705]

Bruh why you on this video saying that?

[@kr0wn.aSSaSSin]

Wow. You just explained my entire life!!! 🤯 1yr ago I realised i was the family scapegoat. But now that i see my 8yo niece is also taking on the role of scapegoating me, i have got to get away, or it will never end. -(hopefully minimal to no contact). To find people who actually want me around. I do now see it all from the 'zoomed out' perspective you described, however, I'm having trouble finding a healthcare professional who actually takes me seriously when i bring this up. Thank you soooo so much for this video!! You provided SO much information & advice, it's extremely helpful! Gosh, I am so glad that i chose to search this today & found ur video, as it had never popped up before.🙏🏼 Thank you for validating what i already knew, as I'm constantly dismissed + invalidated by my f*d up family.😔 Bless you!👼🏻💓💕

[@roxyz77]

Pete Walkers book really is amazing. I read it a few years ago when I was diagnosed with cptsd. It's powerful stuff

[@heidipriebe1]

It's so, so good. Truly one of the most enlightening books I've ever read.

[@autisticflapper]

Validating stuff even without the CPTSD dx.

[@amm0814]

@Serendipity complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving

[@shahinaza.6761]

I had a therapist who thought I was the scapegoat long before I did. I made numerous attempts to believe that I come from a loving family and that they were "normal" with me. But after a while, I figured that as long as I saw everything normal in the way they dealt me, I would never stop the toxicity I was dealing with outside my family. I have been trying to recognize what happened in my family exactly as it was: dysfunctional.

[@7bigapple]

I've watched alot of scapegoat videos and this is one of the best I've seen. 🙏

[@javieroliveras344]

Saying goodbye to them is so liberating 😊

[@Purplenpinkk]

This was probably the best explanation on this issue I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe you are not a mental health professional. Well done. Gave me tremendous clarity. I’ve struggled with understanding the nuances of my role in my family for far to long and spent years trying to reform myself just so I could fit in with them and not be left out. Now I know why it didn’t work. Very detrimental to myself. I wish I had known or really understood.

[@PsalmoftheStars]

I’m the scapegoat in my immediate family as well as my larger family. In my immediate family, my (most likely) covert narc sister has made me the target and my enabling, codependent, enmeshed mother and brother have largely gone along with it. In my larger family, my mother’s (most likely) sociopathic/ narc sister has made me the target since I was about 6 (almost 30 now). It’s gotten so bad she tried to physically attack me a few years ago and has never faced consequences nor apologized to me or tried to make amends. Now other family members are starting to treat me the same way. My heart goes out to anyone that can relate. ❤

[@Saphirefenix]

I remember when my older brother lost his wallet, so my mom grounded me for a week assuming I stole it, he found it and left the house 15 minutes later but she never apologized and said I was still grounded. Then conveniently "forgot" I was grounded the next day and let me do my regular stuff rather than admit she was wrong and have to apologize to me. And this kind of shit happened all the time. She lost her TV remote many times, leaving it by her cigarette rolling area usually, and would scream at me about having hidden it on her on purpose. I was told I was the reason she couldn't have nice things so many times. Even as an adult the topic of an old stereo came up and she insists to this day that I broke it, even though I told her I remember the day it broke and it was a power surge. But nope. Had to be me. It's wild.

[@ashleyrizzo2177]

When I was 13, my dad hid the mortgage money in the garage and forgot (in addition to being abusive, he was also extremely paranoid). The whole family blamed me, convinced I stole it. I was beat, grounded, ignored; they'd set the dinner table and leave my plate off. I was forced to sit at the table and watch them eat, then allowed to eat after they were done. He found his money. No apologies, just business as usual. I tried to bring it up and was gaslit and told I was delusional, too sensitive, laughed at, etc. One instance of too many. I'm sorry for anyone who was cursed with family like ours.

[@Saphirefenix]

@@ashleyrizzo2177 I feel like the average parent has an "It MUST be you because *I* am perfect" attitude. And that's because humans have that attitude. Because humans are shit.

[@sp3357]

Sound like my mom she love to bring up OLD things that I did when I was 15 and 16 years old I’m grown now and sometimes it triggers me that’s when she calls me sensitive smh 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@WalkingScriptureWithShanna]

This is the hardest video I've ever watched, and like your 4th video in a row tonight I'm watching. Thank you so much for this one

[@light11116]

Thank you so much Heidi. Your video has given me hope that I can survive this ongoing trauma and abuse from my family. Thank you for your thoughtful explanation of what being scapegoated in a family system is and also helpful tools to try to recover. It is truly generational. I am not what they say I am. I am good and honest and truthful. I am worthy and loveable and so is everyone else.

[@user-ze4cl1hi8v]

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head, thank you. As the scapegoat I was constantly having the quoted criticisms between the siblings, maladaptive behaviour, ill intent and disregulations of the others placed on me. Am I out of touch with reality, do I have a bad memory, am I, did I? I actually have a lot of trouble believing anything I am told I did, it probably was one of the others! I moved abroad, they still find ways to track me down, so I can’t have socials. I haven’t sought out or tolerated abusive relationships but in hindsight, dysfunction reigns supreme! Before I cut off contact I was met with shock and disbelief when I suggested gaslighting and denial. The stonewalling as a group is quite confronting. I love the wolf story, I have a lovely partner, no toxic people on my life and I live simply in a really wonderful part of the planet far away from them! ❤

[@Trickledowndoesntwork]

I love love this post Heidi, thank you. I’ve known I was the scapegoat most of my adult life. I lived up to the families expectations, I went no contact & feel most fortunate to still be alive today. I know I need to do work to overcome my CPTSD. My parents have passed long ago but my siblings carry the gauntlet of my anointed predetermined flaws. I am broken but still fight on. Thank you for the book recommendations.❤🙏🏼

[@Hawaiiansky11]

This all sounds so familiar. I have the anxious attachment style. My beloved had the avoidant attachment style. We both tried so hard to be together, but my programming taught me that I was not worthy of a good person and that if I disappointed someone, that meant they hated me, so while I pursued him, I gave up quickly because I didn't want to force myself into his life. His programming taught him that he was not worthy of a good person or being loved wholly, so while he tried to love me and trust in being loved, he ran and hid at the first hint of trouble. His life was a nightmare. Mine was too, if I'm being honest, until recently. He's with God now, and I believe we will be reconciled in Heaven, where there are no brokenness, wounds, demented realities or malignant narcissists. I will always love you no matter what, precious beautiful Gary.

[@mercurialbird1]

This made me cry. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love and positivity.

[@umchinagirard1800]

In my Aca 12 step programs in Adult children of dysfunctional family support group and fellow travellers it’s about 50% of the group of family scapegoat and recognise that now it’s amazing and so validating thank you for this

[@heidipriebe1]

ACA is an incredible program, I'm so glad to hear you found it!

[@WalkingFeat]

I'd much rather my mother was open about not loving me. It would have contextualised the countless times she packed up and left home because she couldn't "stand the sight of you", or tried to literally run me over at aged 7.

[@auntihooha]

I've been watching videos on this subject for over 8 years, and this is the BEST explanation I've heard! I especially love your personal insight and I agree with you that we think of ourselves as Bad. How could we not? Considering all the people I've hung out with and the situations in which I've found myself - it's absolutely amazing that I'm alive.