Good/Beautiful/True: Healing Your Self-Esteem As The Family Scapegoat

Videos Referenced:
• What Are The Dysfuncti...
• Surviving The Family S...
• Toxic Shame: How It Le...
• Emotional Neglect: Hea...
• C-PTSD: From Resentmen...
Support Groups Referenced:
Codependents Anonymous: coda.org/
Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families: adultchildren....
Rebecca Mandeville's Website: www.scapegoatr...

[@Rut-vi7iz]

Heidi.....you are extra gifted at this. ❤ I also realize you work really hard to make these videos. Thank you, I have learned so much and look forward to everything you put out.

[@skycolinregan]

Agreed!

[@curiouscomplex290]

Facts. It's wild the perspective she gives.

[@djihanekiram7004]

Sooo true !! Thank you for bringing it up !

[@amytv787]

Heidi you should make a button to donate. For the impacts you’ve made on me alone, I would pay!

[@Tass3030]

@@amytv787me too!!!!

[@TK-cg4ks]

Over the past year I’ve been crawling my way out of a deep, deep depression that had been my baseline since childhood. Finally feeling like my existence is valid and worthy of protection has awarded me peace worth more than gold.

[@AsToldByBrittanyy]

Your comment gave me hope. Thank you for sharing. 💕

[@kjbkjhkjhjk7775]

omg worthy of protection, love

[@whipwalk]

You are worthy. I'm glad you're still here. I got through it and you can too. Hugs.

[@victoriao1828]

You are an inspiration to the rest of us 🥰 Thank you for being you 🙏🥰

[@natsu-machi]

I was an only child, combo golden child and scapegoat at the same time, constantly moving back and forth between being idealized and being shamed for being human. I’ve healed through a lot, but I’m still struggling with thinking that feeling anger means I’m a bad person. I used to straight up not feel my anger and feel shame instead, but about a year ago I did some somatic therapy that let me get in touch with my authentic anger. I’m still struggling a bit too with taking blame all the time. It’s so nice to hear that these reactions to being scapegoated are normal. So good to know that my confusing feelings of believing I had secret “bad intentions,” that I myself was not aware of, are not the truth. Now I know that if I don’t have bad intentions, I don’t have bad intentions. 😅

[@Tass3030]

I’m so glad u mentioned that you had combo golden child and scapegoat because as I was listening I thought “ well man I relate to both”. Best wishes on your healing journey 🤗

[@elizabethh257]

Thanks for that point of view! I had siblings and your point helps me see that I was combo golden child and scapegoat at the same time, and then as I got healthier and more autonomous in college, I was a scapegoat. The mixed message trauma-bonding imprinting badly hurt me as an adult. This kind of insightful public eduction was not available in my youth.

[@natsu-machi]

Thanks to both of you guys for your thoughts and I’m glad it helped. I think a single person can have a variety of roles especially if your parent is really enmeshed with you. My mom took my identity as her own for most of my young life so I had to reflect on her in the most positive way and also take the blame for everything so that she didn’t feel rejected. Thankfully I’ve separated as an adult and got the help I needed. I’m feeling like I still have parts who are burdened with the grief/anger at how unfair it was to take on blame all the time. I did it in my romantic relationships too so it wasn’t even that long ago.

[@ryanbarker3978]

Great callout as dysfunctional family roles are rarely static and the response you receive can change based on your behavior. I was also combined golden child and scapegoat as the oldest of three sons

[@tygulick]

I relate. Thank you for sharing. You were heard.

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

I was my raging, abusive, alcoholic father's Scapegoat. I was my codependent, enabling, neglectful, voided out mother's invisible child. Feeling invisible was worse than the beatings

[@amandipa8368]

Very very sorry you went through this. You deserved infinitely better than you experienced as a child. I hope you have grace with yourself and are developing love for yourself and an understanding of your strength and resilience ! Much love

[@evanathome]

This hits deep. I am with you. You are heard. :)

[@Realaw1]

The abject loneliness is soul-crushing.

[@heatherjasminejorge]

I can relate to you.

[@paulineklostermann5877]

My grandchilderen are treatet bad bij narcessist who use cocaïne, alcohol. They yelled so terrible to their little children ,that hurts could not take it anymore. They treatet me like i did not exist, bullied and offend me in front of my grandchilderen. I was so ashamed and the example to bullie grandmother i do not want for my grandchilderen to learn thats normal. When malignant narcessist are in the familie they poison the whole familie against the scapegoat. Its realey sad and realey painful.

[@gracehillcolorado2668]

SCAPEGOATS UNITE! "Salt of the Earth"

[@chrisf3875]

"The truth is a threat"...... powerful 😮

[@tedwilson1477]

The most difficult part of healing for me is to no longer resent my parents and siblings, who are all still in an abusive family system, willingly.

[@evanathome]

I know I’m just a youtube comment. But I feel you. It sucks. I give you my strength. Good on you for doing your beast to break free from that bs. :)

[@sunsetschaser7749]

I know! It is so triggering to even maintain regular conversations with those family members. It's so easy to feel minimized

[@Seeyatellite]

Sometimes it's just easier for them, especially if their lives are somewhat stressful or simply full... they don't want to revisit healing concepts because what's dysregulating for us could just be "life" for them. I hope you're able to find balance and peace. Thoughts are with you.

[@connectropy]

In recovery as an 'adult child', it helped me recognize why it hurt so much more -- this may or may not be the same for you-- is because I was trying to save my family and failing. To come into healthier ways of being requires change, and it's often easier to stick to what is *familiar* (see 'family'?) I breathe easier having recognized those old familiar pains of contorting myself, and trying to manipulate them to wake up and focus on healing and waking myself up (thanks G*d) for a life worth living, with newer challenges, and projects. I practice (imperfectly) letting people go, with my love.

[@tedwilson1477]

@@connectropy Yes letting go with Love is the answer. I now dont argue, prove my point, defend or judge (well, to the best of my ability) as that only took away my life energy. Letting go with Love gave me my life back.

[@ryanbarker3978]

50% golden child 50% scapegoat, childhood was a fun time

[@mostlyvoid.partiallystars]

Ditto. And oldest at that.

[@century66s]

Scapegoat 100% time

[@ReneeB-mz9cx]

GC/SG checking in. "Either you live long enough to see yourself become the golden child, or you cut them off early and permentantly"

[@jennw6809]

"You might have to look at someone like your therapist or psychologist, and tell them, 'I know you think I'm not in pain, but I am. And I need you to take it seriously.... I learned to hide my emotions from a very young age, and now it's very instinctive for me. So I might not look like I'm in distress, ut I am.' " If only I had known this phrase when I started therapy a decade ago. So many of my therapists looked at me and thought, she seems like she's doing ok, and failed to do anything helpful, or even added harm with EMDR that my system didn't accept.

[@kjbkjhkjhjk7775]

that's me too, often the people who have the most pain and are used to experiencing it are the best at hiding it

[@can-gh1oo]

That one hit hard for me too, I always used to think this though but I I wasn't able to put in to words or be assertive enough. I just always wondered what it was about me that no one saw how much I was suffering, Even though I did try my best to tell them. I guess like y'all said, it was not delivered 'emotionally' enough for them.

[@artuitivebysam]

I’m more of the golden child archetype, but during times when I was a scapegoat I noticed my coping mechanism of limerence take over. Where there is A LOT of shame around. Grounding myself out of fantasyland has also triggered the belief that the pain was never real if I just created something better for hope Thank you for all your videos! I’m struggling to wrap my mind around all of this because it’s intense and I want to show up healthy in relationships but I can’t seem to crack the code yet? I will keep doing my best

[@sophiequichannel]

"at the core of the wounded scapegoat is that belief, I should not exist"... this is something I wasn't aware of for such a long time! Your explanation with the transcendentals is so insightful, thank you Heidi.. Beauty is very important to me as an artist, and now I understand better why. Another one of my guides on the healing journey is Marie-Louise Von Franz, who says something similar: "existential fear is perhaps one of the most basic problems in the case where a child has not received enough maternal love. It is a deep, nervous feeling of insecurity about everything." Then she mentions a patient's dream which gives a solution to this fear: to be more like a cat, the way they enjoy life and give you the honor to serve them! I've just had a cat for a few months, and I find that is so true... my cat is completely shameless, very demanding when he wants something, like jumping right on top of my keyboard and lying all over it so that I stop working and pet him!

[@jennyfox6667]

❤

[@ImaginarySusan]

Yes. ​@@jennyfox6667

[@AndiAlexander1]

I was scapegoated as a child and developed a saviour complex as a result.

[@nishasankaran]

This video was just released and ‘Why unloved people hate themselves’ video from school of life came across my feed today as well. Kinda wrecked. But man, so happy these professionals are getting the nuances in these experiences… So good. Feels true 🙏🏾💝✨

[@TurtleJulia]

Thank you so, so much for explaining the way healthy parents talk about their children. Even after years of therapy and talking to friends who get it, my parents telling me and everyone who wanted to know that I was a "difficult child" and "a real bitch as a teen" still makes me wonder if they're right. I would never speak about my own hypothetical child that way, and I thank you for confirming that healthy parents don't do that. It's easier to dismiss my parents' words knowing what you said.

[@shelleyf7676]

It is so clear that you have done the work of healing each of these areas you speak of today. You have the superpower. It is rare, and that is why we all lean in so hard on the words you say. You are exuding this energy as you actually speak the words. Thank you, Heidi. Your messages deal with really hard issues and topics, but each video holds such beauty. Thank you.

[@nishasankaran]

This had me bawling. I think each member of my family was scapegoated at different times but this also reminded me of the impact of being Parentified. Just whew… bawling. Heidi, pls keep doing what you do so well ❤

[@extern83]

This is so true. The roles of the scapegoat and the golden child change back and forth at different times within the family unit.

[@evanathome]

Heidi, it was so apt to put in the words of Thomas Aquinas. I hope psychology as a discipline is open to the spiritual and religious being a healthy part of mental healing for some. I know my recovery did not truly begin until I embraced Buddhism ( Jodo Shinshu Sect ) and began to see myself as a worthy part of a world of being ( Dharma ) and that my actions, even small ones had meaning ( Karma ). For me that integration of the spiritual and the transcendent was like the final piece of a broken wheel that was put into place and got me up and rolling again. I speak generally of spirituality and religion so as not to push any belief system on any one. So thank you for being brave enough to use the great ideas of a philosopher/theologian. I think our generation is waking up to the power of spiritual engagement and the idea of having a religious or spiritual sense of the world. I often separated them and told myself that “psychology alone” could heal me. Psychology got me to understand my trauma, but my spirituality got me to open up to life again. I really think that for some people like me, we need both secular healing and spiritual healing as one. Thanks! :)

[@spacecat8511]

I was my peers’ scapegoat. No matter how Kind I was, I was always the one At Fault whenever a conflict came up-and it came up A Lot because my peers learned they could bully me daily and multiple times a day 6/7 days of the week-it was a tiny church school system owned by the same church we all attended. As a child/teen it was acknowledged that I was smart, musical, artistic, but always passed over and then that Shock when, yeah, I am that good. As an adult, I’ve only been valued because I sing well. But if my real feelings or hits of trauma reactions slip out, well. Now…because I can’t stand being on a pedestal for my talents but a very clear rigidity…I’m kinda…embracing my defiance. Since. It’s all just superficial anyway. And that feels Worse than the pain of fighting back-and fighting to protect myself and others. Might as well draw the crossfire intentionally this time since. Well. This time I *can* leave as an adult. I’m not forced to stay. And as much as I hate isolation, better to be literally alone than feeling alone around the same faces

[@SkyeMpuremagic]

Near the end Heidi states "At the core of the wounded scapegoat is that belief 'I SHOULD NOT EXIST' there is something wrong with the fact that I exist" that really hit me cause just this past Wednesday I had written those exact words "I should not exist" The synchronicity of that...

[@kuma9771]

Do you think you would be able to make a version of this for the golden child? I was first the golden child but ended up as the scapegoat but because of the enmeshment in the first part of my life, I think I never was able to build my own self esteem to begin with, even my low self esteem was a copy of my father. I am struggling to even find my identity.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

my brother the golden child was always told that he's rational, he's logical. so it shows you what they value. Except that they're the ones who are so defensive that they're the ones who are irrational. My family is so complicated.

[@TurtleJulia]

Same! Also, was he really rational or did they just believe his words over mine? And isn't it easier to stay "rational" if you're not constantly antagonized?

[@Saar114]

My N mother often says im defensive, overly sensitive ect..i told a outsider who doesn't know my family at all and he said but isn't it normal to defend yourself if you are being attacked?

[@garnaxaqueen]

My sister told my husband he should beat me. It was a joke. So she had to say it a few times because no one could stop laughing the first time, I guess. And yes, that's my moms golden child who told me I need help.

[@can-gh1oo]

@@garnaxaqueen Truly disgusting and sorry you had to deal with that, really hope you aren't in contact with them anymore. Sending you strength

[@garnaxaqueen]

@@can-gh1oo ❤️

[@solomonherskowitz]

A few years back I went through a toxic relationship, after which I had a spiritual awakening realizing that I'm really traumatized and in bad shape, I immediately started recovering, becoming addicted to self improvement and realizing that my mom is narcissistic I never even noticed, educating myself and relating to the golden child family role, now it's been a few years, I finally left my place of growing up, went no contact with my family, and only now watching your videos and realizing that I was being the scapegoat until 13 years old, when my mom decided that she's treating me really badly and she turned me into The Golden child successfully hiding how badly she treated me when I was younger I had tears watching this video realizing how much I can relate to all of this as a young child, your video's are incredibly insightful and very much appreciated.

[@greenmint-99]

I had an alcoholic father and all the problems that goes along with it, but it never occurred to me to talk about it outside the family. I always told others what a fun family I have, hoping they would think I come from a loving, joyous family. In my opinion, this is something people from secure family can never get, of desperately trying to make others believe that I'm happy and come from a healthy loving family. So in a way, being able to understand this paradox in people's mind is my gift.

[@bourbon_sketcher]

Yes, the defense of the source of ones misery. In my case, i believe that 'defending' originates from the gaslighting of the father; how they trick us in to being 'loyal'. The guilt used keeps us in place. Ive wzsted my whole life fighting this toxicity. What a drain.

[@greenmint-99]

@@bourbon_sketcher I feel for you. Even though I've been doing a lot of healing works and feel mostly satisfied with where I'm at in my life, I still can't help feeling it would have been much easier for me if my parents were more 'decent' and caring. I know it comes from generations and generations before them and stuff, but why do I have to pay the debt?

[@bourbon_sketcher]

​@@greenmint-99 Maybe we 'pay the debt' because we have the desire and strength to make the change, make the 'buck stop here'. Its a big reason why I 'fight'. Becoming self-aware is such a big part in dealing with these things. Plus, we also have access to the knowledge and experience available today; gleaned from the struggles and discernment of others before us. Its like a constant 'swimming against the tide'; and of late, I am extremely exhausted; but I will surface. Thanks for your thoughts. I wish you continued insights and peace along your own journey :)

[@sarahjane0804]

Your delivery in this video is making me cry because it's so powerful yet kind. Thanks so much for your work! ❤

[@cheslinscheepers2547]

Thank you. This is all true. It's time to heal. I had to seek out so much ways to heal. Beautiful video thank you so much.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yes, i have been shamed a lot (via the cold shoulder) for being angry!! like the cold shoulder isn't anger............

[@curiouscomplex290]

Hiedi you're completely changing my life, day by day. I would have been lost without these videos. Keep going!

[@benjamintice6400]

19:10 - 20:13 I knew loosely I had been scapegoated to a degree by my family, but this information hits so hard. I'm always agressively seeking my own blame in things, even if it doesn't actually exist so I can feel like there's something for me to fix, or to feel like I can take responsibility for what happened, because the mere thought of someone else having to acknowledge and take responsibility for their actions is so scary and foreign to me that I just shut down that it could happen altogether. It's so much easier to assume I'm the whole problem and people who externalize a lot of blame eat it right up. It inevitably devolves into me trying to be "good enough' just hoping I can feel as adult as them some day if I just keep trying. I constantly feel like I'm trying to prove I'm competent.

[@MickGoodman]

I think my comment didn’t show because I included a link to my blog on Medium. Your work has helped me a lot this past 2 years. Thank you so much. I'm estranged from siblings for speaking out about abuse and being the scapegoat.

[@dnk4559]

I am too. 😢

[@dopplarwaves]

Mine wasn't "I'm a bad person" mine was "I'm a mistake." I was conceived through an affair between my mother and father who was married and related to family friends. To keep my mom in a good light, my family scapegoated me. Because he didn't want to be apart of my life they were able to keep who my father was a secret from me. Thank you for this video. It's a breath of air after drowning for so long

[@andy.monsanto]

I'm so sorry, this is so awful... I hope you're healing and no longer in that environment.

[@SuLawn]

Heidi Priebe is Ace. Thank you. ❤️🙏🙂🤗

[@r.p.8906]

I do understand the amazing knowledge you have but I am very aware that you are also divinely guided. Thank You and thanks to your Guide. The way the words flow out of your mouth, your eyes' expression and the love you send to us with such hard topics is beyond what a simple human can do alone. You are blessed and you are extending this blessing to us.😇

[@kjbkjhkjhjk7775]

Thank you, you have saved/changed my life

[@SoulfulJerd]

Finally learned to let go of any past pain and working on building my confidence back up. 34 seconds and 1 view is what I saw this at. I would never have healed this last year cutting my parents out, you helped me heal properly after hearing about my childhood history that has been a blur for nearly a decade. I am officially at peace, thank youuuu queen ❤

[@nikicollins5809]

I cried my eyes out on the part of being the scapegoat and hating ourselves, I’ve never had my exact thoughts and feelings put into words.

[@ImaginarySusan]

OH HEIDI! That you are aware of Rebecca Mandeville gives me so much joy! Between you and her, i may heal a bit at 60!

[@silverscreech6851]

Thank you. I have never felt more seen or validated in my life. I've been in therapy for almost a decade now, and it's only within the last couple years that I've begun to realize/ understand that POSITIVE qualities can also be repressed into the shadow. This video articulates so many things that have been "just out of sight" for me for such a long time, and I truly, genuinely appreciate it. ❤️

[@gowx]

Story of my life. Perfect timing ❤ Also, was JUST learning about the transcendentals :) Safe to say, this is blowing my mind a bit. 🙏🏾

[@Hairyderriere]

Of all the channels I watch on YT, and there are many good self-care practitioners, Heidi's is the channel I repeatedly return to when I'm ready to feel a) seen and heard, b) cared for and understood, and c) the need for practical and loving ways to feel better about myself. Heidi gives me hope for my present and my future.

[@JC_124]

Funny, i started off as the golden child to my father but once i started "not delivering" everything he wanted me to be, and rebelled as a teen, i became the scapegoat. It felt like stalking, like he had some kind of vendetta. That thought still weirds me out. I was a kid, he was a grown ass man. So weird

[@DHW256]

I'm so thankful for the teachers and other adults who stood in the gap, who let me know I was a good, talented, intelligent child. Yes, coping compelled me to escape into art, escape to a nearly full-time after-school job, to move away for college, to seek the antitheses of my mother even as I was reacting to decades of abuse. As for the "pain", I learned to turn it off, to the point doctors that I had to be careful: I've literally broken bones and not realized it. Talking to our mother about her problems, about the abuse and pain she experienced, was impossible. Confronting her just made things worse :(

[@magdalenagutierrez3072]

Muchacha! First reaction: Beautiful poetry of truth! Heidi, your superpowers are an oasis and a defibrillator 😢 at the same time. Depth! Clarity. Cannot put it in words. Philo sophy. I’m fighting to keep up with these processes. Thank you!! ❤

[@lucisangelum]

Heidi, you've been so instrumental to me in my healing journey. I don't remember which video it was when I first heard you mention that as soon as you feel an emotion, it's already too late to try and escape it. It's real and all you can do now is try and tend to it. It really helped me to see my emotions in a less shameful light, as someone who struggles to accept them. Especially the feelings I consider bad as you said in this video. I've had a habit of disowning them as soon as I feel them pop up, which I've been trying to break. It has been a really challenging journey. But your words stuck with me. When I feel an emotion come up, followed by the subsequent instinct to push it down and away, I hear your words ring out in my mind and I tell myself it's too late. It's here and it has a reason to be so even if I don't understand that reason, and I have to feel it and tend to it. And it helps immensely to stay in touch with these emotions without attaching extra feelings of shame and judgement onto it. Instead the whole time I get to be present, and loving. An energy that I realized I've been craving from no one else as desperately as I've been craving it from my own self. Thank you for doing what you do. I don't exaggerate when I say that you're a gift to many of us. Just listening to you speak with the empathy and compassion you so effortlessly give out can already be so healing. Thank you for being a part of my journey, you are an immense help ❤

[@GagaCRoy00]

You are my actual best friend. I’ve never known anyone who understands me like you do.

[@oliolioliX]

Bruh

[@Irma0101]

I think you're possibly the clearest speaker for topics like this, thank you for sharing and you're gifted.

[@AthenaIsabella]

I remember in 2020 when I found your channel. I was wanting to learn more about ENFP’s and kept listening to all your videos. They absolutely changed my life. I took them with me to therapy and into my new relationship. They helped me realize I needed to change careers. I’m going back to school to be a social worker, with empathy and strength. Thank you for your videos. They are amazing and I will keep sharing them! 🙏

[@tachibanamei6647]

First comment. I’m so excited to watch. Heck yes I’m on a date with myself to get sushi. Yay.

[@tachibanamei6647]

Also, just a comment I think the camera was focusing on the books and not you the whole time even though you’re in the center but honestly I watch most of these while I drive so I don’t mind

[@deborahbrown6929]

I went through a number of years in therapy and these terms never came up. My therapist did a good job and helped me see myself in a better light (to some extent) but I still had a long way to go. But when i saw the phrase “the family scapegoat” it resonated with me and I knew I needed to look into this. I couldn’t get the time right away to delve into it, but I had already watched one of your other videos (which was great) and I planned to come back to this. Wow wow wow. I’m so glad I did! It’s so right on with my experience. Thank you for giving me this new perspective. It opens up a lot of realizations and I really appreciate it. ❤

[@paulcatiang]

Thanks for this video, Heidi. A lot of what you said matches my experience, and while it all falls short of me being scapegoated, it's all still relevant and useful to me. What matches my symptoms is childhood emotional neglect. Your work is pretty valuable to me.

[@shawn1995.]

In my area I'm Revered and scapegoated but it's all part of a little campaign. Thank you Heidi for all you do, you're truly a blessing to anyone that watches you

[@monaami555]

Dziękujemy.

[@ChaiTogether]

This video helped me a lot, thank you very much. 😊💙

[@kimedison6677]

This video is incredibly helpful. I forgot how much I felt responsible for everything that goes wrong. Learning the truth has been liberating.

[@aJordan21]

Bless you, Heidi! Your work has changed my life. Thank you so much❤❤❤

[@LurkingLinnet]

37:26 Oh my god, those words are gonna stick with me for long....Thank U Heidi, thank you so much!

[@tamalyth5018]

I am 6:47 into this video and my inner child is already sobbing. I’m at work doing inventory so I can’t properly let myself cry. But hearing this description of childhood trauma through being the family scapegoat is hitting me extremely hard. Maybe it’s just because of my spiritual practices coming back into my life after a long hiatus. I connect with this material very strongly, definitely coming back to rewatch it again later💕

[@whatever2873]

Amazing! I left a comment on one of your videos for precisely this sort of advice and now here it is! Thank you. I have been on this healing journey, not knowing exactly what the problem was for decades and the things I still struggle with is going back to my family and dealing with the same behaviour pattern, which I now recognise, but they don't and refuse to in spite of my attempts to share with them. Secondly the beliefs that I am wrong or it is my mistake are so deeply ingrained that even though on the surface i have masked them, even just unearthing them does seem like an archeological project at times and tends to be very incidental, taking me by surprise and taking a very long time. It still feels like a journey with no end and can lead me to despair at times. Even so, I am in a much better place now.

[@joannk5259]

Truth in a nutshell. I wish I had heard something like this when I was younger to make sense of what was happening. Thank you for this illuminating video.

[@shockedpikachuface7376]

Would love to see you do a video around anger in relation to trauma. I have awful rage when I get triggered, and I've noticed it's gotten worse when I gained awareness of my childhood. I know you've done some before, but revisiting it from a different perspective would be great.

[@jennw6809]

Perhaps I do have a child part who does believe I'm bad, but I also have a protective part who gets very angry at being told that I'm bad and the cause of others' pain, and fights assiduously against it. So my fight response gets triggered in response to being scapegoated, and unfortunately then that deepens my family's belief that I *am* the crazy one!

[@juditszilagyi6610]

Heidi, have you come across any material surrounding the experience of being an only child in a dysfunctional family system? As an only child I identify just as much with being the scapegoat as I do with being the golden child - sometimes concurrently by different parental figures, and sometimes as a shift from one role to the other in the eyes of the same parent. It feels like I've internalized the core beliefs and shadows of each role. Thank you for bringing light to so many hidden truths!!

[@wildunfurling]

Bless you Heidi. Thank you. 🙏🏼🕊️✨

[@Tass3030]

Hiya Heidi 🤚 I’m so grateful that you are so into what you do here and the natural talent and time you’ve spent developing even more the natural talent you have in the delivery of the knowledge you’ve spent so much time in acquiring. I commend you, I appreciate you and I love you back ❤❤❤

[@chrisdonohue1607]

Scapegoat as a child have beening training in aikido for over 20 years helped alot.

[@gerrygregg]

Thank you, Heidi, for yet another powerful and illuminating video. Your generosity with both your hard earned wisdom/knowledge and your beautiful soul are blessings to us all. I have looked for some information about how a person can be both the Scapegoat and The Golden Child but can't seem to find any. As mentioned by a couple other commenters in this thread, I definitely resonate with the experience of both roles and wonder if you might have any light to shed on this. Regarding the Scapegoat experience, I would hold up for consideration that the stance of feeling always to blame for discord in any situation/relationship might not be the only response. I think that it is also likely that, for some, blame must be avoided at all costs because it is never just about "I made a mistake, like all people do" but rather "I can't have done this because it would mean that I am completely vile, worthless, beyond forgiveness and will now be abondoned, as I should be". Thank you again, Heidi. Blessings to you.

[@Alazsel]

Advocate for your pain and do things that will help you move

[@alexandrajulecipriotti3043]

Omg I have all of these!!! You give me hope that I actually can heal I had started to give up all hope. Thank you so much for this. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard this .. I’ve believed I’m morally bad and bad to the core no matter how hard I try to think I’m not

[@kathyh3717]

From my whole heart, thank you for all your content, Heidi ❤️

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Heidi, the compassion and detail with which you explain these experiences offer so much validation and clarity, and really facilitate self compassion too ppl listening. I can’t explain how grateful I am for your videos.

[@pedrosette]

Thank you so much for all your work! Your videos have been tremendously helpful. One of the transcendentals you did not mentions would seem to actually encompass the goal of therapeutic work: unum, one, oneness, which can be understood as wholeness, as being whole, fully present, not disconnected from oneself. The way you connected the transcendentals with healing work also has profound connections with mimetic theory. Thanks once again!

[@More-than-Matter]

You help me way more than my therapist. He is suspicious of me and invalidates me. I’m so grateful for you.

[@missrissa37]

ugh for better or for worse you are sooooo on point

[@postcardsfrometernity]

You are changing (saving) my life, Heidi. I had to tell you. Thank you so much for what you do ❤

[@atesah]

absolutely floored in the last 5mins. Heidi thank you for helping me to understand my self 😭

[@juliadawnolson]

Thank you for sharing your thoughtful wisdom! I love this information as it relates to me and my own healing (because that is all I can control) but I have to say that I struggle to get to a trusting place with other people. I've been wounded and harmed by so many people and systems that simply refuse to do this healing and repair work. I just really don't know if I can ever trust and feel safe with people (in general) again. It's kind of heartbreaking.

[@kljsth6669]

Integrating psych and philosphy is awesome. I like using "morality and mortality" to simplify how affective and cognitive info are distorted by Type A and C. Morality = distorting semantic representations between positive cognitions and bad cognitions e.g idealisation / derogation. Mortality = distorting affective representations between vulnerable and invulnerable affects.

[@milarepa1234567]

This episode is particularly insightful, illuminating, and an absolute gift to humanity! Fantastic reference to the Transcendentals. Such talent, Heidi! Thank you!!

[@bogifabian1]

Your work will save lives! I am beyond grateful ❤

[@extern83]

Would love to hear your take on how the spiritual community/industry thrives on scapegoating people (probably stemming from the same kinds of dysfunctional family dynamics) into disowning/distracting from their truth/pain by meditation, manifestation, focusing on positivity and ”love & light” bs…

[@critter_paws]

Omg Heidi, stop stalking me! 😅

[@roketonkun]

Regarding the beauty aspect I had been having this realizations lately: As a kid I always thought I was ugly, and that was the reason I wasn't loved in my family, I envied my brother thinking he was beautiful. And I never let anyone touch me with affection, I was very "undomesticated" in that sense, and didn't accept compliments, thinking that being cute or pretty or whatever means being weak. But as I grew older I always fancied the prettiest girls, and now seeing this videos I realized that I subconsciouly thought that if I dated a pretty girl I would be prettier myself I've also realized that a lot of times in my past I've got compliments on how beautiful I was when I dressed better or took better care of myself. And a few times some girls that have more trust with me have told me that if I dress better, groom better, take care of myself better, I would look very beautiful. So it was me who wasn't enabling me to be beautiful or feel beautiful all along. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

[@juan_castellanos19]

I cried at least 3 times watching this. It felt like you were speaking directly to my soul. Thank you so much Heidi ❤❤❤

[@BarbzLpz1997]

Heidi you are a freaking genius for this, tysm!!❤ youve helped me see my innocence with this

[@stacyrect143]

The path to freedom is illuminated by the bridges you have burned, adorned by the ties you have cut, and cleared by the drama you have left behind. Let go. Be free.”

[@ImaginarySusan]

60 years old. I smoked a doobie at 13 and it dissolved the hyper-vigilant anxiety/self-criticism / judgment, i carried like a brick in my chest. ONCE i snuck in the br in 9th grade w a gf and got busted smoking a bowl. Since 13 i have been labeled by my family as a "druggie" . Labeled for life. Just a year ago after a life of stability, single parenthood, success and three well-adjusted adult kids, i defended myself once again... but admitted the pot would hold down my pain from the heartbreak of being beaten, blamed, screamed at ... and ignored. We havent spoke since.

[@critter_paws]

I know you get a whole bunch of comments and likely don't have time to read them all, but I wanted to ty Heidi. You've really helped me figure so much out and illuminate a path forward.

[@JanvanOordt]

Thank you Heidi. I needed someone to tell me that I was not a bad person for the the actions I took to protect myself in two different abusive relationships in my work life. Do I regret how it played out?-absolutely....were my actions while defending myself normal to me?...hell no....I hate what I became but I was in fight mode and refused to be crushed under the boot heel of my abusers. Hind sight-I should have left both jobs instead of staying back to try and keep the job that I once loved alive for me. Live and learn deeply....

[@jenelle152]

You are so appreciated. Your videos are incredibly specific to this, and you hit on so many overlooked details in a short time. It's like being firehosed with true empathy and understanding. I'm truly grateful. Thank you.

[@diggitydank1083]

Your awesome. Rebecca is awesome. Thank you both.❤

[@idontknowyetwhoiam]

Coming to see myself as human would be enough.

[@1RUTHGroup]

Wow, you speak with such authority and sincerity! Thank you for the highly useful information you share with us. God bless you.

[@nyssalynn5216]

Almost started crying right as you said whats in the shadow. Wow that was a needed reminder, thank yoy

[@tdogandcjs]

This video made me cry! Thanks for the encouragement, the clarity, the light..I love the resources that you share as well. This is really positive work that is so necessary. Thank you for all you do.

[@RoninChemist]

Heidi, thank you so much for these videos. They've been so helpful to me as I navigate my own healing journey. This one in particular was really powerful for me. Again thank you so much, your work here is really appreciated!

[@ramanmonkey]

Very well presented. Thank you for sharing this information.

[@SwatiLaPerre]

Thanks so much Heidi, I have spent almost 15 years in therapy circling around these issues without really getting any solutions other than acknowledging my experiences which was definitely important but didn't help me change or give me a plan for how to overcome my limited and tainted self-concept. Grateful for your work and that you make it free for everyone on KZbin!!

[@Kali_Yugahhhh]

You've summed up my life. Thanks for the insights ❤️

[@watermelonsugar6909]

Thank you Heidi. Love from Sri Lanka 🇱🇰💚

[@tammijatti9164]

Sister, I love you. I am so grateful for this one.

[@annal2740]

Thank you, Heidi.