Midweek with Dr. C- Breaking Free From A Narcissist Is Hard

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Breaking free from a narcissist is so hard when you have been gaslit for so long and made to believe everything is your fault. The relief afterwards is amazing and this is the answer that verifies you have made the correct decision!

[@morningglory3681]

Idk about that. I went a bit crazy after a horrible relationship of violent abuse. I'm not sure that was the only reason though.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@morningglory3681 This was just one example. Everyone's situation is different! Take care 🙂

[@mythologic]

We all can reach that place. I am feeling and living well. A lie that narcs spin can only be broken because it’s not real only a deception.

[@l.5832]

I get very sad though, when it is your birth family and you feel such a loss. You know they will NEVER love you, never HAVE loved you and it is like they are lost souls. I grieve so much for them and I cry for them....more than I cry for me though I have had decades of abuse from them. Some of them have died and I am so sad that they lived their life this way and destroyed others' lives. ( I guess this is the downside of being an empath) I have no contact with them but I grieve....

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@mythologic They don't do truth!

[@anyscaleclassics6880]

Breaking away is hard, but putting up with it is harder

[@anniebrowning7354]

Exact!

[@dianezielinski1735]

Yeah & way way MORE DANGEROUS!!!!!

[@allison5530]

I can't afford to leave

[@dailydoseofmedicinee]

Grandiose sense of self-importance Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur. Needs constant praise and admiration. Sense of entitlement Exploits others without guilt or shame Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others.

[@cindytrayer4279]

Every word you wrote describes my ex to a T. The only change I will make is instead of frequently,he ALWAYS demeaned and belittled others. Total POS.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Doing something hard takes bravery and determination. Persistence is needed to maintain the freedom. You have to ask yourself "Is it worth it?' My answer - "For freedom? Every single time."

[@BeMe33]

Thank you for this reminder @aaronkwolfe!

[@Christina-ot9ie]

I only watch this channel for company , hearing a person talk for a while , makes me feel like I have spent time with someone. Thanks for the company

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be there with you!!

[@TC-gx3qn]

For the woman that lost all of your childhood friends due to lies being told to them by your ex; they were not your friends. A true friend wouldn't be so quick to believe the worst of you or accept someone else's version of the story over yours. Hoping you find a new partner and true friends that love at all times.

[@julienatoli8561]

Perfectly said. God bless you.🙏✝️🕊️

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@julienatoli8561 God bless you as well! 🕊🌷

[@ND-or5so]

@TC-gx... Yes, that's true. They weren't her friends in the first place.

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@ND-or5so Right, so even though what her ex did was evil, he actually did her a favor by exposing the frenemies in her life.

[@kellymackie4836]

I love this!!! Thank you 🙏 I lost my own brother due to a group system of narcissists in an alleged church. I had to finally realize he never did love me really or hee would have one darn time came and ask me what happened.. hee chose them

[@generategoodenergy14]

Just love in reality. It's that simple. And, pray often.

[@mandycote5662]

Breaking free is a mind - set - it starts from within our soul I take myself where ever I go 🧐

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true!

[@shahadah1451]

I am feeling a lot of relief since I acknowledged my part in the dysfunctional relationships I used to suffer before breaking free. Yes, they caused me a lot of trouble, but neither was I perfect. I was raised in Texas, but I now live in Virginia. Also I feel better because I can take comfort in the fact that I admirably soldiered through their discard of me by getting much closer to God and starting new endeavors of study and work. Today I look in the mirror and say "I love you," and I mean it. But beware, I still suffer days when I am not at all serene.

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. I’m currently in the process of escaping from the narcissist. This morning I woke up to a text from him saying that he doesn’t understand how I’m so intelligent but don’t comprehend reality correctly. Textbook gaslighting. And my comprehension of reality is just fine, thanks.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes moving forward...I hope you find peace!

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Good for you, we all have a breaking point. They are not worthy of our love and kindness. Hate from my own family was shocking, even family can be like this. Good luck to you. Don't share your plans, they go cookoo when we have had enough and leave them, crazy when they know it's coming. You can't walk around hurting people without karma

[@valeriemaltais1782]

I feel like I have to leave when he’s at work. My kids think he wouldn’t hurt me-even the one my drunk husband slapped in the face. But after years of verbal attacks, I don’t feel safe around him.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

@@valeriemaltais1782 Get out of that hot mess, their nuts thinking we will stay around!!!! What, for more abuse, NO WAY!!!

[@chazbreese8106]

Interesting how narcissists are so free with offering their opinions, isn't it? As if we care about their opinions. :^) I usually respond with "I have a different opinion."

[@Dgirl2]

Truly believe the Lord brought me to you. Thank you for what you do.

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. Being stupid has nothing to do with it. People that are very smart can be narcissistic people too. I just had my 51st anniversary. If only I knew then what I know now before I wasted my life. Thank God, He has been with me the whole time. My Faith has carried me through this and I am so thankful for that.

[@Tahoejt]

51 years is a very long time (I’m on 42) but I don’t believe you’ve wasted your life. You sound like you’ve come through strong in belief and self respect. I haven’t wasted 42 years but I regret that I didn’t figure it out before I was half a million in debt! I survived, now working on thriving.

[@Alice-fr1ef]

@@Tahoejt Oh Julie, thank you so much for reminding me of how blessed I really am. I knew he had problems but I did not figure out what was going on until I found Dr. Carter's channel. Lots of money was lost but now there is no debt and God has blessed my richly. I am so thankful for those like you that remind us and I am so thankful that you have survived too and you are thriving. Just know we have an Awesome God and we are never alone. Thank you so much and may you be richly blessed always. My strength comes from God.

[@daylenestaneart775]

Required to be dishonest to keep everyone happy - is one of the reasons I’m done. Soo tired of “putting on a happy face”.

[@LynnTrammell]

My mother in law always told me that I treated her son like dirt when he was the one causing all the problems with his drug use and alcohol abuse.

[@sandracaezza7234]

45:58 that’s where I got into trouble. I learn so much on these videos, thank you. I’m very grateful I have found these, trauma based therapy also. I’m being enlightened everyday.

[@janblackman6204]

I’m watching for help for my son who is in a relationship with a woman who is definitely a narcissist. He’s miserable in the relationship but can’t seem to get away from her. He was talking about suicide a couple of weeks ago. It scares me so much

[@sannajohanna5579]

Try to save him. About two years ago I was travelling in Berlin, Germany. I lived in the hostel and in the same room there was a German woman. She was very kind to me. I asked why she had came to Berlin. She said that she came to her son’s grave. Turned out that he had kilked himself a year ago, because of a woman eho had sucked him in backrupty emotionally and financially. It was awful to hear. She was so kind. She said that she has 5 other children, fortunately this son was not the only one. Really, try to talk to him, he must leave that woman, now, and save himself. There are women who’d live to meet him and give back all love he gives! But, whatever, he’s an adult and makes his decisions. It is nit your fault whatever. You are not in responsible. Anyway, as a mother I’d try everything to save my child, even an adult child.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Why can't he break away if he has a supportive mom? Kids maybe? He still needs to break free, I've been there, I know how it feels, it's like you get brain washed. It's horrible.

[@murielbiggs.4701]

This speaks to my heart. It was my experience as well. Suicide at several points seemed like the only option. But it was the thought that I'd be leaving my children in his control that kept me going. Support him. Believe him. Give him options of where he can go when when he talks of leaving. He's got more support outside of the relationship that he knows.

[@janblackman6204]

@@cynthiafortier2540 no kids. They’re not married. She just seems to have an unnatural hold on him. I have talked him into seeing a therapist. I’m really hoping that will help. He says he loves her but she’s not good to him even hitting him at one point. I sometimes think it’s like a nicotine habit. You know it’s not good for you but it’s so hard to quit.

[@Judygurl2]

Is there any way you can get him to watch some of these videos?

[@annewrites...8385]

Thank you, Dr C. Absolutely! The 'language of psychological wellness' is why I switched from another channel. The other channel was a wonderful introduction and quality education, but I need mentoring in communication and self-talk because I was raised from birth by a narcissist. Your comments are very timely. I am practicing new ways of managing and motivating myself at the moment. My new mantra is "Being peaceful, orderly, purposeful and planning will not put me in danger." I plan on sticking with you until my automatic panic when I try these things is extinguished. I know Gus is under the desk. Give him a pat from me xx

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning, Anne!

[@snowbear1877]

Human relations are so difficult. In the last 10 years I have lost two close friends due to conflict. I would not describe them as narcissists though. I am currently dealing with a friend who has been misusing my hospitality, staying with n my home as a guest about once or twice a year. She used to give me a gift, but now she gives me nothing and is rude to me, so I have decided never to host her again. My partner says she could be suffering from the onset of dementia. She is aggressive and sometimes confused. My partner says she is suffering and to go easy on her. But I am consumed with anger and hurt. I feel used.

[@snowbear1877]

@@Chris-dw7gq More a feeling of disbelief and not knowing what I could have done wrong. I have been good to this woman. For 36 years she has come to stay at my place from interstate in Australia. I've regarded her as a sister. She's always been a bit gauche and aggressive, but she is getting worse. She is 76 now and I wonder if it's the onset of dementia. Because I have no family I value my friendships greatly and I am devastated when they fall apart.

[@andreah6379]

"...Team healthy?" You are a very kind person. Some positivity sent your subscriber's way is always needed. Thank you, Doc.

[@heathermixson1265]

Yes......i married my mother, so to speak. Generational curses are very real. Then you come across videos such as Dr. Carter teaches and a light bulb comes on. And yes, it takes time to break free of the unnatural programming. Stay the course.

[@lgarelick]

Thank you I needed this I left 8 months ago and it is still a journey of healing, understanding and forgiving myself. Your words and thoughts are always so kind, caring and helpful.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Greetings from New Zealand. What I learned about explaining the abuse and smear campaign to someone else, is DON'T do it while you're still traumatised. You will over-explain, and your desperation and anxiety will be easily misinterpreted. WAIT until you've recovered your composure and have a calm heart and mind. I needed at least two years of being educated about narcisstic abuse, practising self-care and compassion, mindfulness, recognising my triggers and learning to regulate my emotions, and just being with kind people, before I was ready to attempt it. I regret blurting out too much in the early days. I wish I'd known that it was okay to wait and the right time would come. I wish I'd said, "Thank you for asking. I don't know why some strange things were said about me behind my back, and I'm learning about why that might have happened."

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@Chris-dw7gq I am so thankful for all the good teaching which answered my big question of "Why?!" May we enjoy the rest of our lives with more wisdom and keep learning. And it's amazing having Team Healthy who understand!

[@gloriatrescher9389]

Thank you for this insight! I'm less than three months out as of Jan. '23, and have been trying to figure out how to explain my situation to people, since some of the ones I thought to be my safe people are believing him hook,line, and sinker. Even though they've known me for years.🤷🏻‍♀️

[@kristenmarie9248]

New Zealand. Every culture is different. "Life begins to end when we stop talking about things that matter." - MLK. Say what needs to be said. Don't be a martyr. People need support during a challenging time, and you don't have to be a one-man army.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@gloriatrescher9389 courage and peace to you. I found Dr C's video Calm Confidence very helpful in this regard. It's so hurtful when relatives we love are turned against us behind our backs, but then I remember that I too, was fooled, and forgive them. I have had to detach emotionally and let them go, remembering that we all have a right to believe and do whatever we choose. I find it comforting that God knows the whole truth, loves me unconditionally and accepts me as I am. I entrust them to Him and find something else to do and think about.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@kristenmarie9248 it's a question of balance. Some of us talk too much; others too little. Those of us who were raised by a narcissistic parent often are inclined to over-explain and give swags of extra info in the hope of not being misunderstood. My kind husband once told me, when I was about to make a phone call, "Just ask the question. You don't have to give a whole backstory." I realised what I was about to do. In the same way, sometimes people ask me a question, and I start by giving background and then regret talking too much. I'm working on answering just what was asked. Sounds obvious, but it's a life-long bad habit.

[@notagain779]

If a narcissist sees that you are a person who takes others at face value, they'll like that. Add to that, your willingness to reciprocate a favor that they do for you, but that you didn't ask for, and didn't even want, and you can expect them to set you up to feel obligated to them. This has happened to me numerous times with three different people. It seems they read the same book! Now that I recognize this pattern, I no longer take people at face value, and unless I know the person well and believe them to be genuine, I discourage people I don't know well from doing any favors for me, or giving me gifts of any kind.

[@tbunnyshy1]

This made my day with the “yucky coat” 🧥 metaphor! Thank you Dr. C. for keeping us balanced, stable and peaceful as much as possible. It all truly makes a difference. You “armor us up”. 🛡🤺😊

[@windysmith7367]

I started feeling unsafe in my 2 year relationship when I realized he was going to control the relationship and I would never have an opinion or share hurt feelings. There is no mutuality. I felt very anxious and unsafe and knew it would never work.

[@kaycooke2929]

I had such a lifelong difficult relationship with my mother. One of the ways that she punished me was to have nothing to do my two little boys and never acknowledge their existence. I spent my entire life trying to please her and have a relationship with her. Nothing I did ever worked. It took me a long time to understand and forgive her (in my mind). In her 80's she dove into dementia, her fourth husband who supported her in her hatred passed, and the positive out of that was that she forgot how much she hated me. She began to rely on me and love me as her darling daughter when I visited and took care of her in the memory facility. I finally got to feel a mother's love.

[@sodonewithit4370]

But was it really love

[@anniebrowning7354]

I read your story and I can understand how important it is to have a good relation with yr mum at the end of her life. If I as a doughter feel she and me have a warm connection, who is going to decide what is love and what isn't.

[@wendyelliott6828]

Our conscience is our “off switch”, or even our slow down and think switch. A narcissist doesn’t have any speed control, any filter, any ability to slow down and consider other options. And most alarming is they see no need for self control; their way is working just fine.

[@snowbear1877]

It's so true what you say Dr Carter about the message of the narcissist in your mind. I still hear my mother's message in my head: nobody likes you, you don't have any friends. Because of this I've put up with all sorts of abuse and maltreatment from people. Because I believe it's all my fault. I am still trying to break free. But as I am losing these toxic people I am becoming more isolated and alone.

[@BSmall-yr4qx]

It's so true. I always believe everything bad that happens to me is somehow my fault. It's like a narcissist makes you believe that you are defective. They blame everything on you. My mother told me I killed my father, and I believed her. I was 12. A month or so before he died, he sat up with me until I fell asleep after breaking my arm. It was around 9 pm. Weeks later, he got sick and was hospitalized. He had leukemia and had been sick for a year. But she convinced everyone that his staying up with me had caused his decline. At 12, I believed her and was a servant to her for the rest of my life. It's only now after her death that I see how manipulative she was. I am 72 and finally realizing that I was gas lit my whole life.

[@valeriemaltais1782]

So the moral of the story is, it is better to be alone than to spend years being abused.

[@anniebrowning7354]

I remember a neigbour screaming this to me, in the garden. Where everyone could hear it. "Nobody in the house likes you, because, because, because...(he didn't know what to say) because you got no humour!!!" I almost died. Well, my bloodpressure...

[@snowbear1877]

@@anniebrowning7354 That is awful and very cruel. What kind of house is it? Is it a share house or apartments? Can you avoid these horrible people?

[@anniebrowning7354]

@@snowbear1877 It's a common small house with 10 apartments. Everyone has his own place and door. But we share the garden.

[@TheKak933]

Yes! I told the narcissist insulting me to stop her immature manipulative behavior. She stopped real fast

[@thenorthface4]

Healthy and peaceful is a foreign and scary place to be in recovery because you’re unlearning everything you’ve ever known. Chaos was normal for me.

[@Hatbox948]

For me putting up with it is harder. But, until I reach my financial goal it's necessary. I'm almost there. You have to endure a lot of verbal abuse. If I voice any opinion of course it's always wrong. And, it usually gets thrown back in my face. Never reconnect with a narc like I have. They'll punish you for every slight they believe you've ever done to them. They're indefatigable.

[@texaspatty458]

I've been NC from my toxic family for 4 years now , and since the holidays , the hoovering just doesn't stop 🛑 . They have never in 4 years done all of this 🤷🤷🤷 I do know it's causing anxiety from sheer duration . I'm using every tool in the shed to get past this , I'm hoping my anxiety will ease up when they finally stop . In the meantime I am being mindful and taking extra care of myself . Thanks for another insightful message Dr.Carter .

[@texaspatty458]

@@Chris-dw7gq ...thanks friend , it's helpful to know that there are people that truly do understand this healing journey . 🙂

[@petershaw2566]

Narcs see civility and concern on the part of their mark as a key to the back door of their Keep! Once in they cause ruthless chaos 😒 My view from Australia😉

[@shellyn802]

This is me. My parents told my kids something I did 34 years ago! When confronting them about this… they said “It was relevant” and I was being too sensitive if I was hurt by it. They constantly try to undermined my parenting to our kids. So incredibly hurtful & these are Christians🤦🏻‍♀️

[@valeriemaltais1782]

I’m dealing with this right now. My husband is a cluster b. He’s been to prison 3 times in a course of over 20 years, and started substances as a teenager. Now he’s an alcoholic and opioid addict. I’m barely holding on. I have a secret apartment and he will soon come home to an empty house. He can blame his addictions on me, but he did drugs long before I knew him.

[@gloriatrescher9389]

Much strength to you!🤗

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes this happens don't take it personally obviously the problem was long before you got there just you and what you need to do

[@Hatbox948]

I know it's not nice, but I'd love to see his face when he gets there. 🤭

[@suesuepake6002]

Hi 👋 I love your channel. I’m from S California

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks!

[@peacerun]

4 years with narcissistic boyfriend who was borderline sociopathic (IMO) and when I finally ended it - no contact for nearly 2 years now - I started remembering what I loved. I had completely given up running, once a big part of my identity. I only recently started back and it was like embracing myself again. How did he trick me into thinking I wasn’t a runner???… it was so subtle, comments on my form, me being slow, that I’m not “really a runner” but just in little ways over years. I am a bit annoyed with myself that I fell for it so this talk by you is really helping me get some perspective and know I’m not stupid that I fell for it. He also told me that I’m not really attractive, it’s just some weird thing where the photos of me make me look good but it’s not really me. OMG I believed that too. 😢

[@sandrakeller6308]

I'm from Dallas As always thank you for the message

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

FYI, before retiring to Waco, I lived near Preston and Forest, not too far from the Cooper Clinic!

[@sandrakeller6308]

I'm living in Arlington now I take care of my mother ❤️

[@skywalktriceiam]

Doctor Carter, you really are such a relief! Thank you💜🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@leeanderson2998]

I got blamed for things I didn't do!!

[@taraarrington2285]

Are you a scapegoat? This happens from childhood.

[@belvederebaileycambodia]

That's what narcs do. Blame everyone except themselves. And their specialty is making everything YOUR fault. You can never win against these types of people while they are in your life. You must cut them off and never see or speak to them again. TOTAL NO CONTACT.

[@MCat-yv3hl]

The “yucky coat” is a great analogy to describe how a narcissist tries to transfer their negative emotions to you. It is almost like they are desperate to rid themselves of an itchy, tight coat by giving it to you.

[@kingbee9778]

There is no negotiating with someone with high narcissistic traits. Your attempts to discuss a relationship issue will be met with defensiveness. You will be marginalized, attacked, and threatened with abandonment. Your desire to resolve an issue trigger narcissistic injuries. You will be guilted and shamed for daring to suggest the narcissist is not perfect. Everything they have ever done for you will be thrown in your face. Your brain's neurology will overload. You will lose your ability to think clearly as the narcissist dismisses your emotions.

[@jerseygirl4623]

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

[@reddawn8230]

100% I’ve had to stop trying.

[@pugnasilvia943]

The ”niceness” of the narcissist is just for the public show... 100% TRUE! Hello Team! - From Cluj-Napoca, Romania

[@leeannerose8393]

I am from Tasmania Australia. I broke free from scapegoating family in 2014.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Leeanne.

[@veronicafadel8693]

8:44 there’s an Arabic saying. The caravan is moving on and the dogs are still barking.

[@shahadah1451]

I love the saying. Thank you! I am studying Arabic.

[@veronicafadel8693]

@@shahadah1451 ‏ما شاء الله👍🏼😊

[@pamgodsoe9076]

California-Enough about you, let’s talk about me. I have listened to your book at least 4 times. I probably should not be commenting on this because I will be monitored. After 32 years I am tired and broken, so I don’t really care.Your book gives me focus and hope. Can you break free after so many years?

[@elzechristinedun6387]

I finally feel me speak my own truth again!!!! That is sooooo cool!!! Freedom to speak ME!!! And the people around me like it so much!!!! Thank you, God, me, my friends, or whom ever ...

[@bettyboop7738]

Doc I went through this year's ago...(before Internet! ) Then , later in life I discovered your channel... WOW now I know what this is ! It's SO good to know what it is that I was going through. I'm divorced ,have no regrets and am better equipped to see trouble ahead,and have the faith to step away! If something doesn't feel right I realize I'm being pressured...or I'm getting ghosted...this knowledge really helps to ease the sting and I can , ALWAYS with GODS help deal in a loving way and not wonder what's wrong with me. ( I'm not perfect either...) Thanks for the insight, don't let us get you down ..you do a good job , with kindness ...have a good day 👍👍👍👍❤️ PS. I'm from somewhere in Louisiana.

[@marietellen246]

With a narcissistic family someone has to always be sacrificed, the scapegoat, etc.... if you're their scapegoat, an empath walk away you can't reason with a narcissist because they are always right. It's very dangerous for an empath to continue to have contact with them, they will ruin your reputation, diminish you as a person, discredit you with anyone and everyone they can for them to feel superior and it never ends, and you can walk away for years but if you need to return for any reason, like a death or someone who is sick, they will try to force you back into the old role they expect you to play, for them to have the dominant role again and when you won't play that game, then they will return to the formentioned. So limit your time with them in those situations.

[@valeriemaltais1782]

Dr. Carter, I’ve needed this talk. My husband is deeply disordered. I feel dismissed by my whole family tonight. But this is no life I have here. I’m a whole staff running a 5-star hotel and my husband is the ill-tempered maintenance man who lives in the basement.

[@Cherrypopppp]

I am from Lebanon and I am an infp 😊 I am a psychometrist and having trouble with a narcissist at work … thank you for the information

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased to be with you there in Lebanon!

[@shahadah1451]

So true....we try to bring decency to an indecent situation.......Thanks, Dr. C, you bring much peace.

[@lindamoore9729]

Thank you Dr. C. I'll tell my kids I don't want an anniversary party when it comes round in March.

[@Tahoejt]

I will be cheering you on. Also tell your spouse you don’t want anything-dinner, gifts, or flowers. If he’s like my husband, he’ll pretend to be hurt and and victims. Try to be somewhere else on your anniversary. If you’re close to Tahoe, come visit me!

[@lindamoore9729]

@@Tahoejt Thank you Julie. I'm chuckling because I live in Canada. It might be a good idea though. lol. I actually have planned to maybe go to a B+B close to home, take a good book, and some of my card-making supplies, just stay away for a few days. Yes, my husband LOVES to be center of attraction, so he'll be expecting 'something' from our kids but I already spoke to my one son and he's perfectly fine making sure there is no party or 'celebration'. Just to be fair to the man... he's been an excellent worker and father and provider.

[@leslieromero589]

I left my narcissist last year and was happy , he hovered me saying he 100percent changed and cried and it took time but I ended up moving back. Now, he ends up calling me a narcissist when I have an opinion he doesn’t agree with. I feel stuck because the first time I left it was a 4am and he didn’t even know. I end up feeling guilty of thinking to leave again because he says I’m all he has. Im constant at war with my inner self.

[@veronicafadel8693]

36:47 evil is the absence of good.

[@ceceliadavis471]

The takeaway from listening to your videos is always accurate and on point in so many areas, Dr. C. I think the Narcissistic personality is very, very competitive and knowledgeable in playing a person. How do they get this way, Dr.C.? They are so skilled at it.

[@chloerodgers692]

I constantly ask myself how a person (my ex of 36 years of marriage) is so skilled. He’s not the brightest bulb on the chandelier but somehow he mastered narcissistic behaviors. So good at all the textbook behaviors….did it come naturally or were those skills honed over time?

[@seaofjoy2822]

11:59 that’s me, I applied my trustworthiness onto the narcissist and took years to see how wrong my assumption was. 😢

[@brightpage1020]

I can accept that they won't see things or act the ways I do just as I hope for their acceptance when I don't line up with their expectations. The best I can do is provide an example of kindness during those frustrating conflicts.

[@zuhal5327]

Greetings from Istanbul, Turkey.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be with you there in Istanbul!

[@akai.christo]

Thank you Dr. C♥️🙏🔥 Wish you and all here a beautiful day!! 💪🙂

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Same to you, Papu!

[@majestic.feminine]

Amazing what Hate means to a narcissist, subconsciously.

[@anniebrowning7354]

They hate themselves.

[@windysmith7367]

Loved your projection comment. They do this during a rage too. You can see their self hate.

[@Uberqueenbee]

I finally learned how to hold a grudge enough to keep myself from their clutches and machinations

[@deweybeach2833]

Terri from Upper Chichester, PA, I wanted to say I miss you, youhave turned on so many lights in my life and by life I"m talking over 50yrs of seriously bad people do bad things to me , yhey had me convinced this is normal to be treated this way , so you started saving my life March 2022 and I know God put you in between my music and violin lessons, the fist video was This Is What Trauma Bonding Dose to A Decent Person! It took a couple days to come to terms that it's real. I watched it a little at a time , it was hard to swallow, I'm so grateful you are you

[@tullysoulliere8103]

Thank you for your ongoing tools ! Both my husband and my family have a number of narcs in varied degrees in them and its a navigation that takes some forward thinking for shure. I have gone no contact as much as i can short of saying hello when I run into one of them at the store or a event ,etc. I often remind myself it doesnt mean i dont care, because i do love people i don`t like. But acceptance , release, and surrender are my goals to practice with my own emotions in regards to my self for my own well being. And I do want to be a well being! I had a phone call from a family member recently and I chose to explain to him because he litterlly put me on the spot! That no matter what has been projected to him about our life it is just that "projection " and not my truth! and im not seeking the approval of others and am good with things as they stand for now! I must say it felt good to do so. One because it felt good to be honest with him because i love him, It also felt like a warm firm hug to myself , a high five to my own soul not the person think others might be projecting me to be ,but who " I am" . I matter ! Love your content and btw those little bear bookends are so cute ! Give Guss a pat on the noggin for all your followers! Have a good day Dr C.

[@SoSouthernGirl]

2:03 pm. Florida. I’ve broken away from my friend whom I believe is a covert N. She accidentally left me a 3 minute voicemail, Butt dialed from her Husband’s phone. I finally got to hear her true self, talking about me. You would think I would have been hurt. But really Dr.C, because of you, I understand and I’m really grateful and relieved. I’ve Blocked her and I’m DONE. We’ve had periods in our relationship where she has stopped talking to me or I’ve told her, I won’t be spoken too this way. But this was the Icing on the cake for me. I don’t cringe when I hear my phone ring anymore. What a relief 😅. I don’t have to have a 4-6 hour conversation about her or her horrible Sister’s or Friends, sister in law or neighbors that she refers to as Pompous and Mini Pompous. Life is too short to have this much aggression and aggravation. Thank you so very much for helping me see and Hear, the underlying issues.

[@gjthomas9770]

I have come up with a new term for team healthy. FREEDOM FIGHTERS 🙃😃

[@katehannent5701]

I'm from Australia, love listening to you Dr. C.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hi Kate...glad to be with you Down Under!

[@Stolat79]

I have had to deal with a few alcoholic friends in the last two years who seem fine when sober, but lash out narcissistically when drinking. I’m only beginning to recognize this lately. I forged these friendships in my early 20’s, decades ago, and where my own drinking has become tempered and less indulgent, many of my friends are heavier drinkers now than before. My brother drowned this past summer, drunk on a boat in a storm making bad choices and this has made me introspect about my own drinking and of those around me. I thought it was the alcohol driving the narc behavior, but Dr.C you truly believe it’s the alcohol that releases the behavior? What can one do then to help? I fear I will be left with no friends soon as I try to change myself and set better boundaries with others.

[@hartofnixie7060]

Joe, Perhaps these friends truly are no longer friends anyway so you really don't have to worry about losing them. There are many people in this world who need friends, who can be friends, and will be happy to be your friend. Reach out with your healing self for those healthy relationships. They are out there to be found but my suggestion would be don't look for them where the focus is on drinking.

[@Stolat79]

@@hartofnixie7060 we are of like minds and your own advice echoes that of my partners. Thank you. I suppose I need this advice drummed into my head a bit more. I need to mourn that unhealthy boundary-less me that invited these friendships and continue onwards and upwards.

[@hartofnixie7060]

@@Stolat79 Blessings to you as you heal and set up those boundaries. Something I need to get better at myself.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes alcohol can be the worst because it's socially acceptable

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This podcast covered several issues I can identify with. Hearing the questions and the answers are supportive and confirming for me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@NatalieJong82]

Hi, I am watching your videos from The Netherlands. Your videos are a great support for my healing process, so thankful!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be with you there in The Netherlands!!

[@sherrihaight2724]

My 1st husband been dead almost 20 years, and my dad is STILL spewing malevolent crap Dad didn't like before he met him, and still doesn't. And won't shut up. Narcs just won't let things go.

[@julieytuarte6557]

Im so sorry, my Dad passed in 1980, I was 15. My mom has done nothing but bad mouth him for all these decades. It’s so sick and sad. He was a truly good man.

[@DavidR-ds2po]

I packed, and my daughter and I left in the middle of the night. No looking back.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you!

[@leeanderson2998]

They are good at mind games!

[@nikiaharvell27]

and manipulation

[@steftucson9651]

It was very easy for me once I understood what the narcissist was doing to me. J-U-S-T do it. Listen to Dr C's talks - he's very good at explaining things. Stef (Tucson)

[@marylourodriguez9227]

False Optimism. Good way to put it

[@heatherbarnes-ameur1997]

From Dorset England many thanks Dr C ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be with you there in Dorset!

[@lesliewoolnough7871]

Born in Missauga, Ontario, Canada started moving as a 3 month old baby and kept moving ever since.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be with you there in the greater Missauga metroplex!

[@cynthiateramura3307]

Okay, I do hold on to optimism . . . I like "my optimism" . . . wasn't at all aware of the concept of "false optimism" and now . . . I can see what most likely happened with me according to my way of thinking . . . "let's just keep going . . . " resonates😮

[@sandrakeller6308]

It made a lot of sense about the disorder then the behavior Since the opposite of addiction is connection and narcissists lack the ability to connect with others in a healthy way, that they would very likely have substance abuse problems, I know the abusive relationships they form are a source of "supply" but like all addictions you build a tolerance and need more of your drug to get your fix. Thank you for another wonderful video Doctor 🙂

[@elminieholland4586]

Happy New Year! I am from Charlotte, NC! I love your wisdom. Thank you for your time.

[@snowbear1877]

Narcissists can lack insight but often have plenty of low animal cunning. My mother had a agreed ability to read people. She was a good judge of character and would use this to her advantage. People were attracted to her self-assured black and white thinking.

[@marysuzannajayne1340]

Breaking free in NC!!! Thank you Dr C!!!!!🤪🤪🤪✊✊✊

[@tinyfacemcgee9211]

Would you please do a video on being in narcissistic jail! Why do we let ourselves be controlled and give them the keys to our cell. Why do we allow this imprisonment! Is it because our parents were controlling?

[@edwarddesloover637]

From Ghent, Belgium

[@martineverhulst1070]

Also from Belgium : Sint-Niklaas 🇧🇪

[@John-sk8cm]

I knew it! I was asking myself just the other day where you might be from & l said "I'll bet Dr. C. is from Texas." Not to brag but l was right! I used to live in Austin where l met folks from around the State & your charming accent brings back fond memories of my time there. I'm a much happier & more capable person in dealing with my own situation since l started watching your channel a year & a half ago. Thank you Dr. C. from Toronto, Canada.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You guessed correctly! I spent my entire adult life in Dallas, then 2 years ago retired to Waco. Right up I-35 from where you were!

[@reddawn8230]

Accent? What accent? Lol Fellow native Texan here.

[@hooch6381]

LOVE YOU DR.C!!! 💗💗💗💗 LINWOOD, NJ .. THE REAL SOUTH JERSEY!!!😬♥♥♥

[@Tahoejt]

Thanks so much for this topic. I especially appreciate 40 minutes in when you answered the question about 50 year anniversary. I dreaded my anniversary (42 years) so I managed to be out of town! I agree, be honest with the kids. Since it doesn’t do any good to be honest with the narcissist, try to be out of town and just call him. Best advice a friend gave me: Take the high road. And make sure it’s a long one!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated!

[@veronicarhinehart9431]

Great episode. Taking a mental health day today and what a great way to start it ♥️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's great!

[@charmee4045]

My aunt doesn't want a celebration of life for her husband who was an abusive alcoholic for 50 years. She feels no pangs of grieving at all, relief is what she is feeling.

[@roberthaden6009]

Dr. C. I have watched your channel for the last 4 years, since discovering narcissism & the realisation that my deceased Father had N.P.D. & sadly, my surviving twin is N.P.D. too. I am the scapegoat. I find it very difficult to break free from my twin brother, because I do love him & know that he has been damaged by our Father & his upbringing. Of course, I am damaged too. My twin’s behaviour ( Which I realised he did try to hide. ) went to a whole new level, before our Father passed, but even to a greater level, immediately from the moment he passed. Just before my Father passed, I found his Will had been changed, I was completely cut out. My twin was left everything. A large amount to live on. He now lives like he has no money, hoarding it, but happy to financially take from me, without any shame. He is obsessed with money, to the point of damaging health, to the point of risking his life. I have been in relationships & friendships with narcissists and I witnessed the attitude of money, i.e. hoarding & spending other people’s money, but I never witnessed them putting their life at risk, because of money, like my twin brother. His behaviour is like witnessing insanity & I know in one instance he was crying out for help, I’m not sure if that was narcissist collapse, if it were acting, then I would be amazed. I hoped this would be a turning point, even though I know he will never change, deep down. I did not know what narcissism was, really, until I came across it by chance & it was a light bulb moment after 42 years, now knowing the answer to my Father’s behaviour & subsequently & sadly, my twin. I did attend some counselling & my counsellor, honestly said, “Your twin brother is a paracistic leach & to let him die. I was shocked. I didn’t see him again. I know my twin is very damaged, but I wouldn’t want him to die. I’m trying to understand why he is extremely obsessed with money, to let it risk his life ? Sorry for the long detailed message, I suffer from severe M.E. so I tend to go into mode of typing away, with my thoughts, having cognitive impairment. I have found your channel so helpful to me, although, I think I will always never be completely free from narcissistic abuse & guilt & blame was drummed into me by my Father, for at least 42 years. I only now realise the level of abuse. I think I’ve been mentally strong, after everything I’ve gone through, since the age of 9 & over 22 years, now of illness & disability, but my twin brother situation, feels at times, like it will eventually break me ??

[@taraarrington2285]

I'm sorry to hear this and yes unfortunately this happens a lot The Golden child sucks up to the parent and is basically there's showpony so they get everything or they intentionally cut you out of the will or whatever this happens a lot if you look into it

[@Beholder777]

The one thing I get now from your great talks, is the pointlessness of trying any of the methods that normal people use to get along and understand each other. Iwas in such pain of longing and self condemnation over divorcing my narc husband, even now after two years of divorce. Now that I understand that pointlessness, and the injury it has caused me, I find that I don't have any thoughts about him at all- no revenge, anger, sadness, longing, ruminating. I only discovered your channel 2 weeks ago, and I am wondering if I will have a delayed reaction, or are there recommended stages of grief and loss?

[@sandywatts2649]

We just had our 40th anniversary. I’ve been unhappy in the marriage for years, but I stuck with it for my sons. I filed for a divorce last year and then withdrew it because my sons said they might not speak to me anymore. Two of them are getting married this year. I might change my mind after the weddings because it’s a big struggle for me. Being so unhappy.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Your situation illustrates why going no contact is easier said than done.

[@sandywatts2649]

@@SurvivingNarcissism That is so true. We will see what this year brings. Thank you so much for all your help and I listen to you all the time.🤗

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

I'm in Blacksburg, South Carolina.

[@Therealpennybunger]

Wow . I'm all ears and an empathy drivern person. This is like water to a dehydrated soul. Honestly as above I care and thank you so much for your info.. your a rare soul Proffesser. I hope you realise how your words are like rain in a dessert perched world. I love a beer just to survive I have the best dog and I need to shine empath yall around this horrible situation we found ourselves in. most of all have been touched by your work. I've made mistakes yes I choose freedom and forgiveness. Fair winds prof.

[@monikamikolajczak1902]

Thank you! The metaphore of learning new ways of thinking and being speaks to me millions!!!

[@tintrung468]

Just chant om mani pad me hum shri or whatever your beliefs and they will go away. The most important is you have to connect to yourself strong.

[@hartofnixie7060]

Thank you for your discussion 23 minutes in regarding the narcissists seeking and in positions of public power.

[@henrykujawa4427]

This also goes for positions of power in THE WORKPLACE. I've seen more psychotic behavior at work than I would ever have believed possible when I still in high school, naively hoping things like that would be behind me once I started working. Some people DON'T grow up-- they REFUSE to. They LIKE being abusive A**H***s.

[@emmak.1787]

I have a question for Dr. Carter. I learned 5 years ago at 50 yrs of age that I am the family scapegoat for my narc.mother, my enabling siblings, my ASPD ex-husband and my daughter with diagnosed BPD. I have been married twice and have 2 daughters who are now in their late 20's (who I raised) from my first marriage to the sociopath (my therapist identified his behaviour patterns). I remarried a wonderful man 20 years ago and have another child with him. We raised the girls with our younger son. I put some well-thought-out boundaries in place to help curb the daughter with BPD from teaching my son how to scapegoat me and passing down the dysfunction, so, she ghosted me. She hasn't had anything to do with our family for a year. The problem now is my other daughter. She comes over for dinner twice a month. She seems to only be here to see our son and has taken up the cause of putting me down in front of my younger child, she demeans me, rolls her eyes when I speak, questions my parenting and only speaks to our young son; when I try to share in the family conversation she rolls her eyes and makes snorts of derision, etc. These dinners have become toxic and difficult to bear. I have C-PTSD and an auto-immune disease which is inflamed by the stress. How can I have a conversation with her without causing her to ALSO ghost us, to share how hurtful this behaviour is and how it is hurting her younger brother to see his mother treated this way? I just don't know how to handle this. My therapist says she's an adult and she can behave how she wants and there is nothing I can say about an adult's behaviour. I disagree. Please help! You have been an integral part of my journey through narcissistic abuse and scapegoating since my therapist gave me the words for the abuse. Thank you for every video you've made to help us all

[@CarrellDavid]

It’s difficult when the narc is your grown firstborn son. We had a great relationship until he went away to the Marine Corps.