A Narcissist's Hidden Misery And Desperation

Narcissists like to project an image of confidence and certainty, yet inwardly, there is much going on that is the opposite. Dr. Les Carter teaches the necessity of seeing beyond the fake veneer, recognizing how narcissism is a pattern of life based upon unresolved turmoil. You can't afford to allow such a person to take the lead in the ways you manage your life.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@USNBLUE]

I learned a Narcissist is ONLY happy when they are stealing your joy and happiness. Making you miserable and cry. Then blaming you. RUN, don’t walk away, RUN.

[@googlieking]

Yes. It is called sadism. They have extended the dark triad to the dark tetrad to include this group as well.

[@christanatwork]

It’s the willingness to trade relationships and happiness for control. The lie they don’t get, though is that they will have neither.

[@marieldavison5121]

Good advice ~ they want you to come down to their level. Very envious people.

[@USNBLUE]

@@menotyou6254 AMEN 🙏🏻. You deserve better. 🤗

[@googlieking]

@@menotyou6254 Wow! It is great that you are aware. The house has many people in it and they all deserve a place that that they can make a home. That can only happen in the absence of materialism/competition. It is a harsh reality when you realize, you are the only one who cares about control.

[@1286cassandra]

They cant stand it when you are happy. Its blatant.

[@ianmclaren9721]

I went from sympathy for a narc colleague to hoping his pain and failure endures.

[@joefox9765]

They're not hoping that their victims will take away their pain. They just need to project their demons on to someone

[@shelley7975]

Being miserable is just another way to get supply. It's amazing how they can turn a minor thing into a tragedy. Ugh! They are definitely downers.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Man!!!! She was having minor surgery of the 48-50 year old woman variety! How she was acting I thought she was having quadruple bypass twice

[@tmo.48]

I use to call mine, Chicken Little, because the sky was ALWAYS falling.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Catastrophizing!!!

[@tmo.48]

@@amandaliverpool3374 nice word for defining it! I will remember it♡

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@tmo.48 👍

[@douaa1934]

Yes Narcissists are miserable desperate people full of unjustified envy. Narcissists secretly don't want others to be happy. -shut the door 🚪 on these toxic relationships and keep enjoying your life.

[@PussnBoot2516]

They envy our ability to regulate our own feelings because they've never experienced true joy without having to bring down somebody else to make themselves feel good.

[@tbunnyshy1]

It really is like that. I’m tired. This is chaos.

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@PussnBoot2516 Absolutely. I think regulation is a key factor. I can’t handle their dis regulation anymore. If they were stable they’d be less miserable.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Yes, our joy is like toxic acid to them, very sad!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

That's true. Their envy is like a fear!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Something I have noticed is that they don't hide their elation when someone else is miserable or they've made them feel miserable. There desperation shows on that level totally!

[@tbunnyshy1]

Absolutely. This is what I can no longer witness or tolerate. It’s exhausting.

[@SendItForward]

Good morning Amanda

[@SendItForward]

@@tbunnyshy1 good morning

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@tbunnyshy1 If existing in the same space becomes unbearable it's time for change!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@SendItForward Good Afternoon 👍

[@sithlord3913]

Narcissists have no empathy or shame in the damage they cause...... 😔

[@secondhorizon]

Their choice of ingredients ~ their stew.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Yep. They can stew in their own juice 👍

[@carolnahigian9518]

Nonetheless! May cousin Windy D. Windbag and Sibling Kinney " tattle" Loosecannon spent Eternity ALONE; no one can trust the 2 EVIL- Doers.

[@annreyes004]

What they hate in you is missing in them ..- d

[@kathie6585]

That's what I am seeing/understanding at this point. !

[@marieldavison5121]

True agreeableness & a conscience. Cheers.

[@kathie6585]

That is so sad, how can my child be this way? I did not teach her these things! Those things are deplorable . :(

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Definitely 👍

[@griff791]

Dealing with a narcissist is very complicated. I have a covert narcissist sister. Confronting her is like going into battle.

[@janetstephens9563]

Dr. Carter, Thank you so much for literally saving my life! I was sinking into the depths of depression and physical illness. Your videos helped me understand what was wrong with my husband and what to do about it. Nearly 4 years ago, I forced him to leave. Even though he had depleted our bank and retirement accounts. He had future-faked me into an early retirement because he knew that would make me dependent on him. It hasn’t been easy financially, but I have not regretted my decision for one minute. I am free, happy, and enjoying my life at age 67. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. God bless you.

[@jeanettecook1088]

Your story similar to mine. Glad things are better for you now. 🏞

[@Anne-ih3jm]

Same story here! Look-up “Betrayal Trauma” as that’s what we suffer from after being betrayed by our Narc husbands.

[@janetstephens9563]

@@jeanettecook1088 Thank you. ❤

[@amandaliverpool3374]

This is so shocking. No wonder you were ill. I too have experienced physical and mental illness through this form of stress. Your own health and sanity is priceless though. You're worth it 🙏

[@Alice-fr1ef]

I am so very happy for you Janet. May God bless you and keep you. Remember we are never alone for He is with us always. This has helped me every day. Age 80. I took his name off of all of my accounts years ago and he had a fit but I did not care. It was coming off.

[@MsBizzyGurl]

These are truly defective people in that they appear not to be able to learn. Once it becomes apparent, their shortcomings become everyone else's fault.

[@marieldavison5121]

Expert blame shifters. So true. They are like Teflon nothing sticks.

[@ebony41441]

Bingo!

[@beauthentic7493]

They come across as demented.

[@mythologic]

No matter how big, popular, charming, or beautiful a narcissist may be they truly have no sense of letting things go and being at peace. They must harm, conquer, groom, and destroy to feel good. A person not caring about popularity or impressing a group and living in peace is their ultimate enemy and no matter what evil such a person suffers at the hands of any narcissistic loser the narcissist will always lose.

[@lindabell2940]

0 my other comment, at least i can feel disfunction, my narcissist traits or not bent out of control, watch out, man you will turn like, me bad ,i finally got to really tell you your a weak minded person, now nothing sets right with me, i played retard even more now, get this bent trait gone now, someone out there is hitting rock bottom, they have red blood. help me stop hating, this out come that became forth, my humanity left, so i turn on to the danger zone, this was not supposed to happen ,this brain wave, please dont let me believe it could even be in my history, all i want is a natural love to feel not, this, you is responsible for my tears, the Bible does say, my brother my sister my neighbor shall know horror, suffering, pain, the actual heart of people, a personality disorder caused horror, not the Lord, the devil put his two cents in my life way to long. and now i walk in hey is it true. I can turn on you

[@EYE_GOTCHA]

You have described my mother and sister so very well. I allowed their poison to keep me desperate, hysterical and ill for decades and just recently had enough. Now, they shall not have me as their punching bag any more and shall have to concentrate on each other for their “supply”. I have no doubt that they shall completely destroy each other and I don’t feel at all upset or sad - for the first time in my life. 😊

[@francesbernard2445]

The weird part of it is that while doing that grooming, conquering and destroying of us some of them believe they are helping us after starting to believe their own lies.

[@marieldavison5121]

Everyone loses ~ the complex trauma they cause with their havoc is so damaging.

[@emil5884]

Exactly. That's why they target people who don't "fit in", regardless of the nature of that environment. If you're not conforming, you represent everything they cannot obtain for themselves: freedom to be yourself.

[@anyways661]

The "suffering" narcissist is a very devious, dangerous creature.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

I swear!!!!! Bad game all the way around!

[@patriciafry8634]

I think there is a type of N that was a spoiled “golden child” and they can’t stand not getting that constant validation once out of the home, as an adult. Plus they grew up with a competitive, “winning or losing” mentality. Yes, totally simplistic, and immature, and either manipulative to get their way, and/or vengeful toward the world that is not worshipping them.

[@kathie6585]

All explains my daughter minus the winning or losing mentality. She wasn't raised with that! She was spoiled and demanding. I don't believe they all have this deep pain, unless it's from knowing how rotten of a person they really are. I think they have a dark spirit in them. Not ALL narcs are from bad homes/parents. !!

[@henrykujawa4427]

THAT'S my brother all over !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He "had" to WIN every single game he ever played, every time. After awhile, that's just not any fun, who wants to "play" with someone like that? Ironically (but maybe not, Dad was NUTS, too), the only time my Dad ever got pissed off at my brother... was for something my brother was NOT in any way responsible for-- when some woman's car left in neutral rolled down an incline RIGHT into Dad's car while my brother was driving it. It was insane-- year after year, Dad praised everything my brother did, knocked everything I did, yet that time, he went into an insane rage against my brother, and it WASN'T my brother's fault (I know, I was in the car when it happened). I often wonder how I wound up being the only person in my immediate family who WASN'T crazy.

[@25N77]

Well put.

[@michelesimmons1658]

This is my daughter in law!!! Growing up, her dad put her on the biggest pedestal he could find. On her wedding day during his speech, he looked at my son and said, “She was mine first” 😮 she’s not into competition, but she wants all attention on her. I don’t kiss up to anyone, not even my own kids, and she hates me for it

[@sandramunoz6300]

Yup

[@mainakduttamajumder2473]

I think setting boundaries with narcissists may require some strong emotions because they try to be pushy.

[@jcnlaw]

Experienced divorce attorney here. I love Dr. Carter’s videos because they help educate the unwary recognize and possibly avoid marrying a narcissist. Get educated about narcissistic personality disorder. If you get a whiff of narcissistic behaviors from someone you are dating, run! And don’t look back! Stay safe out there.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good to hear from you again, Jonathan. Thanks for the encouraging words!!

[@moxiepooties6363]

Comes down to, "I'm not happy. I feel terrible about myself, but I am not able to process that or repair myself or the nasty things I've done, and my misery must be YOUR fault." Misery loves company, and they resent the capability and happiness of more authentic, confident people. So they try to swamp you and take you down.

[@brooksz.3143]

That is exactly it!............Well put.

[@phyllistouchstone7136]

They sure don’t know how to take responsibility for their lies. They just block you.

[@LindaLouise625]

Better that We block Them. The ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is to put them in the past and don't go back. **Only 1 reason a narcissist might block You > They want you to beg for them to pay attention to you :) They think You are like them and incapable of being ignored. :) Don't fall for that manipulation.

[@jmr152]

That's one thing to be grateful for.

[@phyllistouchstone7136]

@@LindaLouise625 never

[@jamaalhorton2343]

I just got blocked!!

[@jamaalhorton2343]

@@LindaLouise625 Spot on!!

[@sandrab2589]

For many years I sympathetically tried to understand my narcissistic father and whatever trauma he had in his life, but it was a total waste of time. Narcissists cannot be cured and they will not change. NO-CONTACT is the only solution. After my father died, we found out that he had lied about his education and his military service. He was a real piece of work.

[@sammylhpate9382]

IF I EVER FLEW A SIGN, ONLY THREE WORDS: "NARCISSISM DESTROYS LIVES"

[@shoshannacorner8753]

Do not engage or respond to a narcissist. They will try to contact you and get you to respond and they will try every trick in the book to get you back in. Block them out of every aspect of your life.

[@janetstephens9563]

Great advice!

[@bitsybugaloo]

How do you extricate yourself in a healthy way from one ( flying monkey as well) that doesn’t get the hint. Or get them to stop without being the bad actor? No conversation, blocking, no contact works. Now they’re coming to my house & sending notes after the master puppet sent them to get info on my family. 🤦‍♀️. I thought I’d gotten rid of them. Felt so good when I cut the cord.

[@johnebrecht1656]

The biggest issue is you’re usually enmeshed into the relational dynamics before you realize they are indeed narcissistic

[@MzChelle]

Agreed

[@TheDivayenta]

After years in denial, I learned the narcs in my family scapegoated and ignored me to some degree out of envy. I had the working marriage, no divorces. On my wedding day my mom told folks, that it would never work out. 45 marriage years later I must be doing something right! 🎉

[@janpressler1491]

I've been married too long to this Narcissist and it's at the point where there's just no more communication, it's just him snapping at anything I say...so NO talking..no eye contact, no eating dinner together, and when they see you happy..boy do they want to take that away too.

[@benruffo1197]

Safe to assume I'm not the 1st person who came down the pike that the narcissist unleashed his monstrous ego on.

[@brainboosterrva2320]

Before I realized the abusive ex was an NPD, I kept thinking "why is he always so miserable but arrogant at the same time, why is he so blind to his hypocrisy, why is he a failure but expects everyone to believe and obey him?" Now I know.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

That’s exactly how my ex girlfriend was

[@sandramunoz6300]

Same

[@MJ-qb5ph]

My good you know my family!

[@anamartafaial1916]

Same…..

[@AAXS-op1vo]

Those questions sound/feel extremely familiar!

[@swim10]

One thing I don't miss is his face when he was home with me and the girls. Always looking like he'd rather be somewhere else. Calling his momma several times a day. Now he lives there with her Hope he found his happiness now that he has his freedom and endless supply.... Miserable people. Now I'm free to be happy and no more drama

[@googlieking]

I have noticed a connection between some depressions and other cognitive difficulties. Like not understanding that triangulation, alienation, invalidation, hypocrisy, gaslighting, glibness, entitlement and projection are anti-social behaviors. This can manifest as a person who does not understand boundaries and competes with people who are not competing with them.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

“Competes with people who are not competing with them” …gold…

[@henrykujawa4427]

"competes with people who are not competing with them" This instantly brought to my mind the guy at work who was hired by his friend (the new chief engineer, an incompetent guy hired by the owners STRICTLY on the basis of his expensive DEGREE). I heard 75% of the people in the factory hated the guy, but he picked ME as his enemy, because he realized one day that I KNEW he was an idiot. He was so insecure about his job, he was terrified I might try to have him fired-- so he spent 3 YEARS trying to have ME fired. I'm not a violent person, but every so often, I fantasize, that guy better hope & pray he never steps in front of my car... (Fortunately for me, I haven't seen the jerk since 1988.) He always reminded me of the character "Max Zorin" played by Christopher Walken in A VIEW TO A KILL. (His boss, the incompetent chief engineer, nearly destroyed the company-- I don't how know they're still hanging on in businees to this day.)

[@christanatwork]

Like I always told “her” - “You win, we lose”.

[@marieldavison5121]

@@christanatwork 🤔Yep if they set the pace it's a bumpy ride to toxic land 🏴‍☠

[@jamaalhorton2343]

Was you dating my ex too?lol! I swear this her!

[@stacyweyant5013]

I AM IN CONTROL OF MY MIND! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY BODY! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY SOUL! Repeat this every day when you wake up and then whenever you need it! It Helps!

[@nicholecornes1915]

Amen thank you!

[@darknessfierce4209]

It’s such a trap for a caring heart reading the narcissist’s pain.

[@Picca65]

Yes🥴

[@jamaalhorton2343]

My ex girlfriend just told me after I told her “ you can’t keep transferring all that negative energy onto me” she said “ well if you not gonna be my support system then this is not gonna work “ I said “ ok” we haven’t spoke in a week

[@janetstephens9563]

Stay strong. No matter what, your ex will never change. ❤️

[@racebannon96]

Get out early. These creatures get worse as time goes on. They will destroy you.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

@@janetstephens9563 thank you it’s been on and off for 5 years for this reason and similar!

[@jamaalhorton2343]

@@racebannon96 I can see that that’s why I broke out!

[@beemonroe4330]

Don’t ever speak again

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

They are very controlling, always correcting the words you speak, always have an agenda, twisting your thoughts on things and definitely have triggers ! I stand my ground, I walk away, I put boundaries in place , grey rock them & I display my happiness in full force around them ! They really hate when they see that what their doing has no effect on you. They usually go very,very quiet at that point.

[@johnjohnstone9805]

Scott peck the author of "The Road Less Travelled" said that "Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at all costs, while Emotional health is facing reality at all costs". Beautifuly simple idea but difficult to live up to. It really is the road less travelled and seems like getting lonelier all the time.

[@rkbllc]

He also authored "People of the Lie".

[@johnjohnstone9805]

@@rkbllc Yeah truth might be the road less travelled? I heard someone say It's actually the road Never travelled which feels sobering.

[@pamb2656]

thanks! i am going to look into that book

[@mfcmxtt6490]

I know he can't and won't heal and awaken in this life but I light a candle of love and healing and protection for the young child, baby, teenager and young man in him that had a diabolical Narc Mother and absorbed all her toxic desperation and projection, damaged ego and inner rage..and one for her too, against whomever treated her that way and right down that whole family line, right back to the original wounding in time. Light of healing and protection and guardianship of their true sense of self and worthiness.. against repressed and projected, denied and defended darkness. He was absolutely rotten to me, no doubt and I light a candle for my heart and for anyone reading this who is in pain. Soothing, guidance, protection and gentle profound healing ♥️ I am leaving his sensitive dark soaked heart in the hands of the highest good..not my job to heal him, nor can I ..but please life help us all to accept the things we cannot change and to change the things we can. Much love

[@tmo.48]

That was absolutely beautiful ♡. Thank you ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

[@MM-kt4is]

After you light that candle, be sure to light one for the warriors who stood up to these monsters and broke their insidious family lines.

[@suzannebryan1194]

Lovely💕💕💕

[@stacyweyant5013]

I told my bastard husband the same thing! I told him, "it's not my job to fix you; that's your job!" I won't allow him to do that to me! He's sick! I always tell him there's something wrong with you! He's been going to therapy for 36 years that I know of! I don't think anything will ever help him! I just have to take care of myself now! I've had so many physical injuries! I told him how come I always get hurt (God forbid); never you! I'm working very hard on getting out of this sick marriage! I cannot stand the sight of him and try my best to stay away from him! I totally don't even know him any more! We need to pray for each other~that we get them out or we get out! Praying for you and every one of you who is living this nightmare! I wish you PEACE.🕊💙

[@fredfischer9359]

They try to diminish your work as menial. Quote not a real job.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Consider the source!

[@OccupationalThpy]

Yes! I get a lot of that from family and (ex) “friends.” Just another way they throw shade. I find it humorous now (seriously so ignorant and unhinged) but it used to be so annoying and unsettling!

[@roblox_explorerfromspace]

Just When You think you have heard enough to understand this individuals. You end up learning more about them each time. This thing is really deep.

[@billyrayvalentine7972]

I am a compassionate man but after what I've been through I'm not concerned with their feelings. Did I love them and does it hurt ? Yes but I've closed that door and thrown away the key. To be on team healthy I must do what is best for ME

[@amandaroberts5111]

in the same place, good luck

[@marieldavison5121]

@@amandaroberts5111 me three ~ 🙂peace & freedom

[@janetstephens9563]

YES!!! I love that - “team healthy”! ❤

[@aaronkwolfe]

Hidden only in that there was no healing or consoling them. Everything was tragic. Everything was devastating. But choosing to live in tragic desperation? Not for me.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Even when things seem on an even keel and you dare to take a breath, they will look for something to upset the apple cart!

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Look, or create.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@aaronkwolfe Both! Anything to create drama and make them look the victim!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@Chris-dw7gq I second that 👏

[@jamaalhorton2343]

This was the case for me!! She is operating at very low frequency but I burnt out and she couldn’t get me!

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

Is it that narcissists are unable to stand feeling bad? We all have times of feeling "negative" emotions, but narcissists use projective ego defense mechanisms to try to "cope' with these feelings. Perhaps, their childhood was such that parental rejection and disapproval became for them an existential crisis; namely their parents were under pressure to succeed above all other considerations and projected their own inadequacies onto their defenseless child(ren). I have found being at peace and feeling contentment to be a trigger for some people and an excuse for them to find flaws and create issues. As a sensitive person, I find it incredibly easy to internalize their disdain and vilification. Their projection usually brings out my own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, but rather than recognize your discomfort, they double down and increase the "abuse" "for your own good." Yes, I have weaknesses, but I also have strengths. I recognize their discomfort; I can sense their deep hurt and sense the rejection being directed my way, but herein I need to stop and analyze what is happening. I am sorry they "feel" that way, but nothing can justify their "abusive" behavior; certainly their behavior is out of all proportion, and I know that I have my own issues and inadequacies with which to come to terms. Fault finding and argumentation aren't healthy, as far as I am concerned. So much is going on, so many demands, so much argumentation, so much implicit criticism. It feels as if narcissism were more the rule than the exception. Just being able to stand apart from everything for a few moments, is itself a blessing, to not internalize their pain and dysfunction long enough to recover one's truer self.

[@betsyhood1548]

It's more important to them that you feel bad, that's the only thing that makes them feel 'good'.

[@thabomuso6254]

Narciccists who truly try to look into the inner depths of their soul will react like a person being pushed towards the edge of a cliff. Staring into the abyss.

[@tbunnyshy1]

They need us to need them. I am tired. They are saying I’m “tearing the family apart” because my son and I are looking to move out to our own separate apartments. Yet, I am abused. Translation:who will be our “release button” when you’re gone? ……I am depleted.

[@SendItForward]

tbunny you're correct, if my NH doesn't get a response he wants he'll keep asking me "are u alright".

[@amandaliverpool3374]

My ex hubby said to me, 'Don't do this to us' 🙃 My father out law never spoke to me again. I 'Broke up the happy home' 🤪

[@hortensemason4073]

@@amandaliverpool3374 good for you.

[@marieldavison5121]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Oh my gravy! Amanda I also was accused of breaking up our family ~ luckily for him I guess ~ our "family" was unscathed by his womanizing and DUI charge not to mention the temper and lack of any real emotional investment. It was all me. I can live with that now they don't have the insight of a cow staring at a passing train. Cheers Amanda

[@lauraantic1384]

Family member dont abuse women.Who cares what he says if he leaves you and your boy alone,they dont know what love is ,what home is and respect to his wife.

[@sharoncohen8127]

This is my mother; she is 86 and also has dementia which = narcissism on steroids. Her "good daughter" visits her at the nursing home, takes her out to lunch and does what my mom tells her to do. PS, I have no siblings; but I am glad for my mom that a "good daughter" finally arrived -- clearly that was never me -- and the "good daughter" can be the one take away her pain these final years of her life. Perhaps when the dementia gets a bit further on and she forgets who I am, she might come to believe I am the good daughter. SURE

[@mariaawake4502]

Yes, she needs you now. That is how they are.

[@sharoncohen8127]

She has been this way all 65 years of my life. The needing more and more and more, never ends.

[@marieldavison5121]

Your Mother suffers from dementia now ~ but she was plagued by blind spots before. You are the daughter that showed up ~ showing mercy where none was given to you. You got this Sharon ~ I assure you Florence Nightingale herself would give "mother" a pass! Do the best you can and give yourself credit for showing up. If I was in a jam I would want a daughter just like you. Cheers.

[@janelambley807]

Sharon. I am in the same situation. I hear you very clearly. With a heavy heart, I have learnt to wear two hats, one a daughter and one a carer. I never wear them together. I have learnt to be a carer in her presence and to not let her attempt to emotionally control me affect me. Be strong within yourself. It is hard but doable. Take care dear lady and remember you are strong, you are important and you are beautiful 💕

[@snowbear1877]

I have a friend who I think is in the early stages of dementia. She has been coming to stay with me for 40 years with very little reciprocal hospitality. She has always had anger issues and is now getting angry with me for her cognitive decline. It's really horrible. I don't think I can have her stay with me again.

[@janeydoe1403]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. When I was pregnant with our first born, my ex offered me the opportunity to be a full-time at home mom because that's how he grew up and he thought it would be good for our kids. He didn't insist, it was up to me. Being a latch-key kid who was shipped off every summer, of course I overwhelmingly accepted the opportunity to be home. It used to grate on me every time he told me, "Good job." Rather than show me the respect and appreciation I deserved. I get it now. Not only was I being "lorded over", I was "put in charge" of tending to his latent needs (being an attentive mother to "his" kids meant I was an attentive mother to him, too.) Except that instead of being on the same level and allowing me to help him work through the damage, I was the proxy through which he took out his pain. The set-up and passive aggressiveness was non-stop. I see the cycle now. I also see that it was never my "job" to fix what was broken in him.

[@trumpeterswan4177]

Same as my marriage was.

[@AAXS-op1vo]

Ugh. . . A you have opened up a whole new thing to consider . I stayed home with my kids and my ex was the only child of a single mother and absent dad. He secretly hated my family and I for what we had that he felt robbed of. I am now wondering if what happened to you was the deal with me too. He did the old “wait until the kids are of age and then leave” deal. 25 years of marriage and he just drops. It was a hot mess in the end and he did all the classic narc moves: tried to paint me as crazy, launched smear campaigns and tries to turn all of my closest friends against me, played the “poor me, I am the victim here” card. It was astounding what came forth when the mask fell off. Very difficult the radically accept that the entire quarter of a century was one big game to him. I truly think he was waiting for my parents to die so he could cash in on inheritances as he planned his escape. My parents are still very much alive and kicking and he got ZERO in the divorce. My one consolation is our two beautiful kids who I pray every day don’t inherit his narcism!

[@janeydoe1403]

@@AAXS-op1vo Sometimes it's just about appearing "normal". Married, two kids = normal. Divorced, two kids = normal. Note, wife does not appear in either equation. Twenty-five years is a lonnnng time to earn a windfall. Hard to accept but those 25 years were "nothing personal" (for him). Absolutely for you. His loss. You will be ok. Just remember, 50% of married couples die alone. So *do not ever* settle or be afraid of being "alone". You'll be ok. Hugs

[@NancyBrown1975]

Narcissists are too entitled and lazy to do the work and help themself. This is when you anchor down inside yourself and help yourself by responding in an emotionally healthy way and not do their work for them. Let them carry their own load like we all have to do.

[@joinahmukanangana2993]

When someone is happy ,I feel happy for them too when someone is sad ,if I can not make their day better ,I put myself in their shoes and let them be when someone is not well I wish them to recover ,when someone achieve something I celebrate with them .I dont look down on anyone .even a narcissist when they are not there I see their beauty outside their behaviour .

[@madguruJ]

In all honesty, I really hope/glad they are miserable

[@rllght]

No need to take pity on narcissists and their misery and desperation! They WILL use their sob stories and any shortcoming that were pointed to them to manipulate and control everyone who listens! Everything can be a resource to exploit for the narcissists - including what have happened to themselves. When a narcissist presents themselves as pitiful, suffering and looking remorseful, that is when they are calculating a new move on you the target, and is very dangerous! DO NOT FALL FOR IT!

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

Never ending story 🎉

[@jamaalhorton2343]

This here was profound! I’m thinker so I would catch her way minimal but new! I would bend and then when she thinks she got me I will call her out something and she would be livid! It worked every time!

[@sharleenplacek3698]

Not all narcissists had bad pain or abuse or neglect in their childhood. My husband would blow away the diagnosis process as he is a full blown Covert Narcissist and his childhood was great compared to the molestation, loss of parent and other abuse I entailed. He and his brothers were treated very well. The disorder just seems to run genetically in the whole family tree.

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

Narcs just can't find pleasure or happiness in life not even if it jumped up and bit them on the arse, positivity doesn't register. We've all got some form of trauma quiet possibly. Some worse than other's. Life can be shit, but it could also be alot worse. Just keep going, 💓

[@marieldavison5121]

[@cairosilver2932]

I think it's deeper than narcissists learning to think affirmation is transactional. I think it's rather like if someone says they love fish, but then they pull a fish out of water, kill it and eat it. They don't really love the fish. With narcissists and affirmation, they love it like the person loves the fish - as something devoured. Not something that is a connection. Like, if healthy affirmation forms a bridge between two people, with a narcissist they are eating the bridge and destroying it. Swallowing it inside and removing the connection to the other person in the process.

[@majestic.feminine]

Amazingly, it appears narcissist have no understanding of the concept of “unconditional love.” In my interactions with such people, I have come to realize that they haven’t understood the meaning behind living in love, without conditions. As a result, their children likely suffer silently and tremendously. They create a cloud of confusion that’s illusory and maintained coercively by controlling people that encircle them. It makes them miserable and those surrounding them, lost. I have been told countless times by the narcissist, that I need to “earn” their respect. Wow. And with this mindset, they attempt to rip away dignity and civility when in their company, and the company of others they seek to impress. I am worth much more than these people are willing to give. Honestly, they waste my life when I am in their company. I choose WHO surrounds me and lives within my reach. Not fatalisticly. Not helpnessly. An it truly is a relief to understand this negative pattern of existence and veer clear of it. Once again, thank you Dr. C. for sharing your tools. Your insight in invaluable at every turn. Subtle and affirmating. Absolutely necessary. 💝

[@lindarusch9660]

I was told the same thing by my ex husband (a covert malignant narcissist), that I had to earn his respect. How that was suppose to happen, I have no idea since he was so condescending, sarcastic, argumentative and cruel most of the time.

[@majestic.feminine]

@@lindarusch9660 I feel for you 💝These covert one are the nastiest kind. They know, so they hide under rocks. I finally had it in one email chain of abuse, and placed a friend on CC. (Hey, it’s all public domain, you know. The internet.) And that simple act SHUT DOWN the narcissist in his tracks. He (yes, “he”..) NEVER said anything any more. Like a reverse gaslight. Le he gaslighted himself to oblivion! It WORKED! That was how I got the upper hand. (BTW, it could even have been a fake email address.. and it would have still worked!) Good luck ✨

[@JoneleBenaine]

I dont believe all narcs had childhood trauma

[@maxinemoo6972]

Spoiled, raised with no boundaries.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Correct

[@stingylizard]

Asking my mom or sister to do their fair share or to be honest traumatizes them just like a physical beating would do to a normal,decent person. The reaction is the same...

[@JoneleBenaine]

@@stingylizard sounds exhausting

[@stingylizard]

@@JoneleBenaine What you said! I was clueless until I went back to the home place to care for ailing father and found a crew of toxic ankle-biters. It was the flying monkeys that woke me up to take a better look at what up. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with NPD's.

[@tinyfacemcgee9211]

I was totally faking who I was and I couldn’t maintain being his geisha girl, the more I slacked on my slave duties, the more he raged at me. Now I’m single at 50!

[@janetstephens9563]

I became single at 63. Good for us! 🙌🏼🙌🏼

[@Hatbox948]

I can relate. My narc does nothing. He won't even carry a cat food can 5 ft to the trash can. I'm blown away at the way he orders me around like I'm his maid.

[@wendybond2848]

My husband justified his cheating by saying “I wasn’t happy”. I asked “what do you do to make yourself happy? And listed the things I love to do. He just looked at me. Of course he didn’t get it. He expects everyone to treat him like a God and keep feeding that ego.

[@lastthingsministry]

Your husband can never be happy with anyone he is incapable of happiness, they all are. They may take pleasure from others' pain but that is not happiness, it is sadism and is evil. They cannot be happy, it evades them..all they feel is a relief from pain that is all, never feel happy ever.

[@jonathanwest3062]

Knowledge is power, but the more I learn, the more depressed I get. To realize having a normal relationship with my narcissistic mother who is afraid of rejection, is never going to happen. Thanks Doc.

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

I feel you on that.

[@janetstephens9563]

It’s one of the hardest things we can ever do. Find a good therapist to help you work through this. ❤

[@Picca65]

You're not alone!

[@NoJudgementOnlyLuv]

I called my ex narcissist out on all of the hurtful things he’s done to hurt me. And why I am done. He never hesitated to say what he didn’t like about me, hurtful stuff as silly as saying I don’t look as attractive as I do in pictures, ouch. Blame shifting, I am crazy due to reactive abuse when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and now he says I am the narcissist! A little background, in September I sold all of my furniture, rehomed pets, because he lovebombed me and said he wanted me to move 800 miles to live with him. In less than 12 hours after getting there he changed his mind and left me homeless. He says it’s all my fault from things preasking me to move in, that he said all of a sudden hit him. He said me losing everything is my fault because I disrespect him. FYI I would stay silent for hours as he would go in a rage with him belittling me, criticizing everything about me, and when I finally give him my truth I am mean, and was blocked across the board. I don’t get these people, I said he refused to acknowledge any wrong doings, and he sits back and thinks he is perfect. A few months before breaking up I thought I had cancer for a 3rd time, and had to go in for biopsies etc. the night before he caused an argument and then I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks, he didn’t even reach out to see what my results were, luckily I was okay but if the cancer came back I would’ve been dealing for the initial 2 weeks alone. When I remind him of that, he said that I shouldn’t be such a f*ck up, my attitude is why he didn’t check up on me. And since our break up all he did was say how I destroyed his life. Amazing. I hope he doesn’t unblock me, because whether I block him or not he finds a way to get in touch with me! Gotta love modern technology! Anyway wanted to share a quarter of my 10 month relationship. Don’t expect any of it to make sense because it never will. And I am left with nothing but a broken heart.

[@bcampbell1826]

There isn't a person I listen to more Prestigious than you Dr. Carter. talking about Narcissism. 🙏 Blessings to you and your family.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Such encouraging words! Thank you.

[@jeanettecook1088]

I understand what you're explaining... but please also include why they are chronic and preposterous liars.

[@janetstephens9563]

The narcissist is suffering from a very fragile ego. Their lives are built on lies, and they’ll do anything to protect their false identity. Most narcissists are virtually pathological liars. My exhusband would rather lie than breathe.

[@bonniekesic8040]

Your spot on. I was with my Narcussist 14 years. He would call his parents and talk to his mom and tell her everything that went on and it was always my fault. He was always blaming me.

[@janetstephens9563]

So were they. That’s why he’s the way he is.

[@PureNRG2]

Worst job ever. Being made responsible for somebody else’s pain and they’re not helping.

[@Giulia_1410]

With this kind of people, I can no longer put my needs aside. Unfortunately I am not always patient. And if I understand that the other person is always impatient, then I can't make any effort to understand. At best, I close the conversation and run away. I still have a long way to go, possibly with patient people. Thank you

[@elzechristinedun6387]

Just to share with the community. I had a short dream, before I woke up. My ex-friend is sitting behind me. His face is full of pain and grieve. He is crying desperately. His arms are tight around me. Faces touching. I lay my hand on his hand, and say, from the core of my being: "I miss you". He says: "Why did you return to me". I answered: "Your soul is longing desperately to me". Then I woke up. It was as if God had spoken to me. This experience was so intense and so real. I now can explain this to me. I know, what they call, my True Nature. As a very sensitive and empathic human, I feel what is behind all the walls of pain and fear in a human. When I met him for the first time, I could see "through him" and saw beyond the immense pain and sorrow, a longing soul. My intention was to experience if there were any holes in the walls around his heart. The helper in me was very much present. I did not know anything about narcissism. After a few months of confusion in me (he messed me around by telling me that he was a very spiritual person that wanted to go into the depth with me) I noticed that something was off here. Then, when I googled my experiences, I alway landed on narcissistic. It took me 4 more years to finally go my own way. And now, after 6 weeks of not seeing him (I have my own house and finances), this dream came to me. I am so happy with it. It is so exactly spot on the living Truth in me. And I am so grateful for it. It makes the "hard spot" soft and almost liquid. God knows and lets me know: "It is accomplished". As we say: "Het is volbracht". The words of Jezus at the cross.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes.

[@graveyardghost2603]

Sweet Gus! ❤

[@henrykujawa4427]

Still waiting to get back to work (my home care client's new insurance is really dragging with the paperwork). So, listening to this video, I'm not only reminded of incidents with them (particularly the older guy, who always has to be in charge), but also, my BROTHER, who apparently has been like this his ENTIRE LIFE, but, I never knew what was really going on. It's almost shocking that after all this time, it was only a couple weeks ago (thanks to this channel!!!) that I suddenly realized... YEAH, as a matter of fact, he IS a narcisist. So much is starting to "make sense", in a sick, twisted sort of way. It's vital that I stay in touch with him, and remain on as good terms as I possibly can... BUT, thank God that he's 3,000 MILES away, and except when emergencies crop up, I only have to deal with him once a MONTH. As I was listening, I was reminded of a conversation I had back in the mid-1990s, with a (now-former) friend of my brother's. She'd known him for over a decade, and this one day, she suddenly asks me, "WHAT'S WITH YOUR BROTHER?" It was jaw-dropping, as she'd spent much more time with him during that period, yet, she somehow hoped that I might be able to explain HIS often-bizarre behavior. If I'd been listening to this channel back then, maybe I could have.

[@richardlandis793]

A narcissist can acknowledge a certain behavior when it’s pointed out to them, but deny that it’s hypocritical or wrong. When asked what they fear, they have no fear.

[@elzechristinedun6387]

Kirtana: "The only measure of our words and our deeds, is the Love we leave behind when we are gone..."

[@cedricdecat1999]

The older I get (I’m still young, 23), the more I realize what I grew up in. My mom is a covert narcissist. My father passed in 2021, and the more my stepmom tells me about him (things he said, when they were divorcing, I still have good contact with her, and she is on team healthy), the more I realize how toxic he was too. Both very controlling, dismissive, entitled, and sadly… my older brother is becoming one of them. They always operate(d) from a selfish point of view, I’m repulsed by it. I would say I grew up/am growing up into an anxious adult, but I have psychotherapy now to cope and learn from all of it, plus your videos are great, Dr. Carter. In a way, I’m relieved my father passed. Life with him was caracterized by invalidation, control, entitlement, and lots of silencing me and my feelings. His passing set me free in ways I could not have imagined. Again, thank you, Dr. Carter. Your videos are very good to understand the patterns. Besides that, I really like listening to you. You have a very nice voice and a peaceful presence. We’ve never met, but I like you very much!

[@jessicadumoulin7119]

You're so young and getting help! You're going to be great at living your life on team healthy. So proud of you!

[@cantstanditanymore]

This describes my husband to a T......🙄🙄🙄 He even wants to control how I speak!!! "But, baby, I JUST WANT YOU TO BE YOURSELF"🙄🙄🙄 Ive heard it a million times... OVER IT... Currently being given the good ol SILENT TREATMENT...🙄 SINCE YESTERDAY A.M. ....

[@christinadennis1223]

Sending strength to you 💪❤️

[@thisisme1981]

Silent treatment….me too!!! Praying for the day I can leave. Praying for you too!

[@berkshire88]

Can you leave ASAP? They never change!! Life with them is impossible!!

[@thisisme1981]

@@berkshire88 I want to. All of my cards are maxed out. I’m “too stupid “ to hold a job, haha. He always says this. Even though he sabotaged every time I worked. Also, 3 children in school. My plan is to leave after this year. My daughter (13) cheers and I can’t rip her out. I’m just trying to pay down on some cards for emergencies!! God bless you. ❤️

[@amandaroberts5111]

@@thisisme1981 Good luck with your plan, they don't improve as nothing is ever their fault, with love from the UK

[@mariannethames962]

Dr Carter thank you for this wonderful video. There is a something I don't understand, as to why they cause trouble. It almost like they are trying to always break rules so they can be challenged and win. This has always hurt my head as on the road when people make mistakes everyone is a jerk even though he is guilty of these things on purpose. If it says please don't park here, he parks there. It's like in their minds "lets cause trouble then I will win. If there is harmony, they often throw a wrench in it then complain. This is a puzzle I will never figure out.

[@marieldavison5121]

They just want everyone to be as miserable as they are ~ they are proactively oppositional and defiant to get attention. Pitiful really. Cheers.

[@janetstephens9563]

Everything is about control and power, even the road and the rules.

[@BodyMusicification]

It's crazy how often my ex more or less outed herself as a narcissist over the years, but unfortunately I didn't know what NPD was until after our marriage ended. She literally told me "I have no empathy," and would get annoyed with me unusually quickly whenever I was physically sick or having whatever other problems come up in life. And relevant to this video, over the years there were so many "arguments" (more like her ranting at me) about how I'm "not doing enough" to help ease whatever pain or feelings she was having. Or that she can't help but wonder, "What if I ended up with someone else. Maybe they'd have made my life better." There were so many times I wanted to say to her that she needs to take some responsibility for her own feelings and choices in life. I tend to have a high internal locus of control and blame myself for a lot of things, but it's like she was entirely externally focused and would point the finger at every human being in the world-alive or dead-before even considering she was to blame for anything!

[@cassiebennet4262]

That's the crux of their whole disorder. Their entire existence is predicated on avoiding the toxic shame that comes with being "imperfect." They cannot and will not accept any responsibility for their actions because that would mean something is wrong with them. The shame that comes with personal responsibility is unbearable. Trying to convince them that it's ok to make mistakes is like trying to convince most people that 2+2=5.

[@stevensmith8580]

I think this is a very good description of what a narcissist is, its origins and why they differ from others who, beginning at an early age, took responsibility for their own personal development. Thanks

[@davidciccarelli4367]

Total war was the education I received in my family of origin. They’ve never met a man like me. Their loss. I have such hope for the future outside their predatory gazes. God bless freedom.

[@kemina1]

Let's get this one thing straight, all relationships with a narcissist are karmic relationships. It's always hell on earth with them. Just complete chaos dealing with these npd bullies. No doubt at all.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

When you say karmic relationship. I think that means that Karma will always come and bite them on the bum in the end!

[@marieldavison5121]

@@amandaliverpool3374 😁one can only hope! Lol

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@marieldavison5121 It's true! Every dog has its day...woof 😁

[@laurelbarlow5733]

Sounds like my late stepfather. He acted like that I caused his problems and rejection.

[@Circuit7Active]

This perfectly describes my narcissistic adult daughter. Ever since she was a child, she always had an excuse for her mistakes and would always find someone else to blame. I wish she would get help, but she won't.

[@notaclue822]

Gus is a lucky boy. Was he a rescue? I love to see that. Thank you for this talk. I'm listening twice.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yep, Gus is a rescue. He's almost 9 and we got him when he was 10 months. He's been very loyal to both me and my wife.

[@elainesmith5313]

Dr. C. .... It has now been 1 YR since my narcissist husband died. Was told not to make any great changes for the 1st year. His family as it turns out, apparently is a cult of narcisdist, lead by his 90 yr old mother. She had quite a following of Flying Monkeys, and keeps them stirred up and antagonist towards me. Have now put my home and property up for sale. Living in close proximity to them all has made life difficult to move on. I just wonder who becomes the New Escape Goat after I leave???? Much peace has been restored since making the decision to move. This decision was God made, He is directioning my Steps. Thank you for all the healing I have experienced the last year. And Thank you to Team Healthy for prayers and support. God is Good!! Hugs for you and Fuss from North Carolina!!🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾😄

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Time for a new set of circumstances. It's like shedding yourself of shoes that fit too tightly, or getting away from a hornet's nest where they continually swarm.

[@mandycote5662]

Desperate- YES Misery- YES Hidden- NOT TO ME- ANYMORE It sure has been quiet around here 2023 and ME! ♥️

[@lindabell2940]

Man Doctor Carter, your killing me with this ,big time flaw, cant wait for your special guest, i tell ya im a big time dog, walk on by, but get bent out of shape and loose your , your killing me Doctor. I got me a narcissist to play with in my rewind, your like, 0 no, im out of here, im just lost, i cant believe i have lost my understanding of, we is all in this disfunction together, 0 yea feed me to the narcissist, im fighting 3 wars, its a thing ,live with it, it can form , a ,it should have been different, carrying a human on your back, with all its best flaws, your killing me Doctor, hey doc you ever play, let me , be against myself, the narcissist, love ya Doctor, thanks for my heart, thanks for my Doctor always

[@marieldavison5121]

Enjoy the peace in your self made sanctuary ~ it was hard won and you deserve it. 🤗

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

🎉❤yes

[@joyg4853]

Once again, spot on! Thank you, Dr. Carter! This helps a lot in dealing with the narcissists in my life.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Joy!

[@noorsalem519]

That's what I wanted to say in my comment , but I said excellent

[@LucyFre]

This gentlemen explains really best among all people having podcasts on you tube, problems with narcististic relationships. Especially covert vounerable narcististism . Its only because of him I was able to figure out what really probably happend in my marriage( as I don't have closure and explanation in normal way). Podcasts " Covert narcistism control with slight twist " I watched and analysed 100 times, is so on spot & accurate to describe what was going on

[@jamaalhorton2343]

He is the best

[@pamb2656]

AGREE!!

[@JackieOgle]

You have really helped me navigate with narcissistic family members. It's truly helped me realize it's NOT ME. I'm weary of being the bad guy and whipping post. I do see the insecurities with them and they projected on me my whole life. . Yes conditional love or acceptance only..never unconditional love. Never accepted or praised. Back handed compliments too. Left me scratching my head. Omg..Yes...My life has been a running competition!!

[@gmcconcord]

Boy, I know that feeling being in constant competition when you’re not even trying to have one. It doesn’t matter what you say the narcissist person will always find a way to turn it into a competition you could say the sky is blue, and it becomes a competition because it’s not really blue it’s chartreuse blue or robins egg blue or they saw a more blue sky than you’ve ever seen. It is exhausting!

[@akai.christo]

Thank you Dr. ♥️🙏🔥 Wish you and all here a blessed and beautiful weekend!! 💪🙂👍

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you!

[@Bloomingdelight]

This is real and it causes a crisis in your life. The narcissist will tear you down and then not care. Dr. Carters expertise has helped me so much to move forward from a narcissist mother.

[@kathleenreardon8943]

Your compassion shines through like a light. I wish you had been my father. I love your channel Dr. Carter. Keep doing these informational videos. They have really have helped me.🥰

[@terryfriend16]

It's amazing, people, such as this doctor, puts himself out there to help replenish one's soul.

[@gailmellem9751]

Yes, they carry an amount of pain as many of us may as well. However. We do not intentionally plan and plot to Steal, Kill and Destroy others.

[@castnetdevon9907]

Spot on. Just sad for them but reaching my limits of empathy. 59 years old and been married for 29 years to a miserable sad women who was raised by a narcissist mother. I have made mistakes in the past and we should have divorced years ago but my shame was harnessed to her misery engine and therefore cue the emotional blackmail any time things not going her way. Just leave people say. Not that easy. Have courage people say. It would unleash the true colours of one very smart vindictive narcissist. I don’t not love her. I just don’t like her and I know the feelings are mutual. We will see where it goes.

[@mariaawake4502]

Yes, I am afraid too, that leaving the narcissist would blow up in my face. The back biting , the stalking, he just seems to have his hypersensitive "antennas" everywhere and people think that he is so helpful and friendly. I already left my n father and he was very vindictive. So I am trying to create "free spaces" for myself ,wherever possible and I tune him out when he gets negative.

[@marieldavison5121]

I don’t not love her ~ Do these 2 negatives translate into a positive? So you do love her? Do you mean you have a trauma bond? Just curious how day to day one would show their partner genuine "loving" behaviors if they don't like them? Feeling guilty over past indiscretions would seem to be a really self destructive way to live each day ~ this situation can't be easy. Take good care CnD ~ you seem to be trying to figure things out for yourself ~ wishing you clarity.

[@castnetdevon9907]

@@marieldavison5121 Trauma bond it is. Unfortunately she has Huntingtons which compounds the issues ( and probably explains a lot of things both with her and her mother. Do you leave someone to deal with this on their own or suck it up ( for better for worse) despite the fact she refuses to take any sort of medication? Tragic situation. Grateful for some thoughts .

[@sandywatts2649]

That’s exactly the same with my situation, except it’s my husband. I nearly got divorced recently but called it off because my sons said they might not have anything to do with me. I’d call that blackmail. Got to keep very busy. That helps.

[@castnetdevon9907]

@@sandywatts2649 I understand. They have a knack of turning your children against you. Wish you peace somehow.

[@evonnamann2251]

I was envious of my friend because she would do things that would get her into a mess of crap and at times things happened that got her in a hard situation. Her parents would always get her out of whatever situation. I told her when I fall into a crap pile then I get up out of it then I smell like crap. When you get up out of your crap pile then you smell like a rose. She said I've never thought about that before. I've dealt with my envying because she will never be happy with anyone or anything.

[@cassiebennet4262]

Her parents are actually doing her a great disservice. She will never take responsibility for herself.

[@lynnemccully6014]

"Pre determining how I see myself". How very wise, thank you Dr C

[@jonnyblade46]

There's suffering and anxiety for sure. It's not like narcissists lack feelings. They don't understand themselves but they're not blind. They're not monsters. They see the chaos and the destruction that follow in their footsteps but they can't change. As years go by, they accumulate pain and sorrow, of course they do. I think they understand that something is deeply wrong with their lives but they don't dare to probe their problems. And I'm sure it's hell.

[@lastthingsministry]

If it is hell enough they could ask God for help but they don't do that as they do benefit personally from being so broken. They are sadists and enjoy hurting people so they don't want to be fixed as they love being broken as it excuses them (they think) from the evil they do. They enjoy evil and they love darkness. Darkness is light to them and evil is good.

[@yvonnewilson8578]

Thank you Dr Carter for another inspirational video. I am beginning to learn that I am stronger than I thought and hold on to knowing "who I am", not what the narcissist wants me to be. I have my own reflection!

[@pamb2656]

they want our 'help' but their version of help is not the same as a normal person's version. we must always just agree with them and are not allowed to give constructing advice, THAT turns them into the crazy mode and you will be on their major S list until they need you again. been through it many times while trying to help. i am free of them now. thank you doctor for all of your advice.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Amen, Amen! This explains why I never felt loved by the family I grew up in, and the family I married into. Kindness was based on how we performed and not unconditional. I never remember a kind and loving talk with these people to resolve anything. I also was not allowed to try to have deeper talks, in fact deeper talks were met with rolling eyes and snarky grunting sounds as though it was weird to express what we see and what is going on. It is the culture in our region which is why I meet more people like this and it is rare to find someone who wants to " have a discussion" about anything. Discussion is discouraged in my environment.

[@deborahstoker935]

I say, no narcissist! Got a dog like Doc. I got a yorkie! 😅❤😅

[@rocheller750]

Is it futile to state the reasons and behaviors that finally caused me to leave the relationship with a narcissist? After the many times I’ve tried to discuss my needs and frustrations without him acknowledging his part, I finally left pretty abruptly. Do they have the capability of reflecting at ALL? I feel it’s a waste of my breath to explain why I left yet again, but wonder if they can ever see the problems their dysfunctional behavior causes.

[@cynthiae6230]

I think the key is that they don't want to see, hear, or understand. It's so sad but it's their choice to cave in to despair. It's too threatening to them to look inside themselves, face it, and make the effort to grow healthy and change. Now I understand why despair is considered a sin; it's like spiritual suicide. And faith, hope, and love for neighbor are virtues. 🙏💝🌿

[@janetstephens9563]

Rochelle R Yes, not only is it futile to explain anything to a narcissist, but you are just setting yourself up for frustration. Also, you’re giving the narcissist another opportunity to lash out at you. No, they can not reflect at all. They lack the ability. I actually sent my husband emails. “Your behavior is abusive. It’s time to go our separate ways.” “You need to leave. When can I expect that to happen?”

[@user-wl1ru3tg4h]

Yeah they are totally measurable I've been going through this with this person for almost 4 years I have walked away I plan on keep walking away never will come back and bother her again but she will not leave me alone she is totally miserable

[@-gordon3817]

This is such a POWERFUL POINT & so TRUE re dealing with toxic people!!! I live in the U.S, & sadly there are many people like this in every area of life, such as religious leaders, leaders of companies, medical professionals, relatives, & more. I hope that anyone who comes in contact with such insecure/self-loathing people will realize that you are WORTHY of being treated with LOVE, RESPECT, & KINDNESS.❤💥 NO ONE has the right to mistreat & abuse you in anyway!! If you are in a toxic relationship & the person is unwilling to get help, please know that the best thing to do is to CHOOSE a PATH that leads to self-love, respect, & empowerment.💞 And sometimes that means you are better off loving the person at a distance or cutting off contact. You are TRULY WORTHY of being around people who treat you with KINDNESS & RESPECT. Jesus LOVES you, & He created you for a beautiful purpose (Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 138:13-18, & John 3:16). 🙏There is NOT another person like you on this planet!!! You are LOVED, WORTHY, & ENOUGH!❤ And remember that there are kind, accountable, & genuine people in the world, so seek.to surround yourself with those people. My husband & I are this way, so we do our best to love each other & treat others as Christ would.🙏Keep an open heart & TRUST your INSTINCTS, esp. when you sense that a person is toxic.

[@lovecat4everxxx401]

Im hackstalked by a narcissist, he drops messages and is torturing me. Thank you for your expertise Dr. Carter 🌸🌿

[@mostHigh23]

Block him..

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Yep, there too 🤷‍♀️

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

@@mostHigh23 🤣😂😅…😬

[@janetstephens9563]

Go no contact. You have the power to set boundaries.

[@Ivan-bf2jx]

When I look at Dr.C's teaching from above it's always about becoming respectfull of myself as well as others at the same time. This way is not just about healing from a narcissistic abuse but it's also a "vaccination" againt getting into such troubles ever again. I'm accepting the responsibility for getting myself into a relationship with a narissist by lacking life long respect towards myself. No point blaiming my parents, they did their best. Thank you Dr.C for for appearing in my life ❤❤❤