talking to my mom about the hardships of growing up with undiagnosed Neurodiversity

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[@TheStitchWitchPodcast]

As an Asian woman who has autism and also has a traumatic history w her mom this conversation is SO confrontational and I am shaking in my seat lol My mom could never sit there and have this kind of convo it would be a one sided fist fight immediately 😅

[@HShango]

The only way you'd know is if you have that talk with her, so she can understand you better and learn more about you. My mother was very similar (I've got autism too) tok many years before my other understood me better.

[@SteshuShu]

I thought the same too! So uncomfortable. Like man. My mom isn't confrontational at all. She'd change the subject and/or shut me down. (I'm an Asian woman undiagnosed but researching). I'm so scared to have this conversation.

[@FuzzyGecko]

Ive tried to bring it up and got shot down so many times. I feel you. We just cant talk. Our veiws are so different and shes very confrontational.

[@clivematthews95]

So sorry

[@sandragee2864]

@@HShango I wonder if writing a letter to mom expressing what you want to say would give different results. Writing your ideas on paper would certainly crystallize and refine the things you want to convey to Mom. With those thoughts on paper, perhaps you could then put the neurotypical style of “talking” without compromising what you want to say.

[@velvetkatarttarot]

I could definitely feel you were triggered midway. Sending you both so much love & healing💜 Props to your mom for the strength to be a part of this. No one is perfect. Parents don't know what's coming when they have babies & unfortunately mass society gives in to social pressure/expectations, because that's what they learn; and becomes avoidant of what they don't learn. The past is the past, but there's always room to unlearn, to relearn better from today forward. Conversations like these are important & sharing them to the world is so powerful🙌 But also important to forgive, or else we fall into the caged cycle of "hurt people hurt people"

[@thethoughtspot222]

mmmm beautifully said and thank you for your words. I read somewhere earlier this week that "hurt people hurt people" but also: "safe people shelter others" "free spirits free others" "enlightened people illuminate others" & this is such a good reminder to those of us who are trying our best to grow despite our choices in the past or our traumas. Everyone has the ability to grow and heal, even those who hurt us

[@velvetkatarttarot]

@@thethoughtspot222 100%%🙌💜🌟

[@lauriemrdjan]

@@thethoughtspot222 can you share your list of questions. I think these conversations are so important and I'd like to have them with my parents. Thank you

[@QueensNewYorkguy]

@@thethoughtspot222seems like you have forgiven your mom for her role in you suffering trauma growing up but I’m curious to know if you have forgiven your father for his role??

[@colors8310]

I dont know if i'm right. If you have a narsicistic parent who mentally abused you,its good to cut the connection and contact,eight? Im autistic and i wouldnt know how to deal with him on a regular basis...

[@thatcrazyhindu]

I notice it from her mom and my mom, they are so focused on appearances it’s like I need to be exactly how she imagines me or else she is confused

[@Cocoanutty0]

Wow yes, I just realized my mom is like this too!

[@alexs.3383]

;_;

[@Yunietastiic]

Whew this is huge I think with immigrant families. I have always felt like that too… 😢

[@793lefty]

I've gotten this from coworkers too.

[@ranikster9955]

Yes it’s so strange to see They have become so good at masking 👺. It is also clear to me how there’s a total lack of understanding from the mother 😢 its like a reflection of me and my parents except that my mom has NPD

[@ByrdieFae]

**trying to get you to do stuff** "You're very talented." That hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't tell you how many times a mom has said something like that to me when she was trying to get me to do something.

[@two_5]

i remember my parents being frustrated at the constant questions and the rejection of “because i said so”. retrospectively i don’t understand why they found it so difficult to give an explanation because most of the time id say okay and do the thing anyways

[@anitacrumbly]

@@two_5 lmao that's one of those constant memories i have about my mother "do this" i ask why she says "because I said so" omg nothing and i mean nothing made more frustrated than that answer because i didn't understand why it was so difficult to give me a reason. I once asked my mother as a grown adult her answer was that me asking why was seen as questioning her authority not the action. I still think that's a dumb answer as a 32 year old i think they didn't know or didn't want to tell us that they needed a break or whatever because they didn't want to be seen as weak or as people or thought it would be mean idk. I neeed to know why and still do. I only recently realized this was an autistic trait.

[@two_5]

@@anitacrumbly you said it perfectly. i don’t understand why its so difficult for neurotypicals to understand that someone might not have an ulterior motive behind like every question! i remember getting into an argument with my mom and her whole reason for getting mad was because she thought i was talking down to her when i was just sharing something i knew about the topic and i asked what she’d like me to do next time and she said change your tone… i cant lmao. its nice to know the reasons behind these things so we know not to be too har on ourselves!

[@user-kg4tl8or5z]

Oh my this was very triggering, and I kept watching to learn. I’m 58 and just found out last year that I’m AuDHD, and my son as well, he’s 32yr. and doesn’t want to talk to me. Your insight and openness to talk about life with your mom was very beneficial for me. I’m a Libra triple and my son is a Scorpio and my daughter. My daughter told me when she was 6 years old, “mom, you need to divorce their dad” he was abusing as well as my own dad abused me. This is rough stuff, and I won’t diminish that fact. I so admire you! Thank you!❤

[@alainaclemence]

As a teacher who has observed students in my classroom (and definitely has undiagnosed something), I have some unfortunate news about notifying families about potential developmental disorders. Many schools actually caution teachers against directly approaching families about diagnostic testing because if a school employee raises the issue, the *school* has to pay for the testing, not the family. Therefore, schools are systemically disincentivized to train their teachers to detect possible disorders. Instead, we are taught to “differentiate” our material to be accessible to more types of brains so that kids who haven’t pinged on their parents’ radar are more likely to succeed. As someone who’s managed to survive by carefully and frequently masking my difficulties, I feel for my students and I try to help them as much as I can

[@marthamurphy7940]

I agree and I appreciate your concern for your students.

[@jclyntoledo]

Wtf?! That's so messed up

[@alexrose20]

!!! So that's why my sister who is very obviously ADHD and struggles with schoolwork hasn't been addressed by any teacher 😤

[@melissabennett6571]

Thank you for doing this video. I can tell it was hard for both of you but what I really noticed is that when you told your mom “no those weren’t tempter tantrums, those were meltdown” she doesn’t question you. She accepts it and the next time she mentions temper tantrums she can clearly remember your correction and works to use better language so at the end of the video she isn’t using that word anymore. It was really nice to see a mother daughter conversation where both sides are truly trying to understand each other and support each other. You both did great and I hope you keep having conversations like this.

[@andreapalma7570]

I agree. I have a road trip (college orientation) with my daughter next week. She believes she has some issues that my husband and I have not accepted. (Some we have, and some we haven’t). I’m going to try to be a better sounding board to her. There is so much about neurodivergence that I don’t understand, but I can now pick out someone with neurodivergence in a few minutes or less. So something is sinking in. There’s hope for us if we all keep up the dialogue and education. I personally need to have more training on this because I run into it at my workplace, with trying to train and work with people in my field who are neurodiverse. I’m a scientist. So we have a lot of people who enjoy the order fashion of experiments and the relatively low social interaction. So it seems to attract some neurodivergent people. (But I have to train and work with them). So I need more help and advice so I can train them better and work with them in a way that is most beneficial to everyone.

[@haniyyahn]

I think pushing things along is that you have been a support for her during her divorce and after. Now she has a reason to pay attention and you may have even made dear to her that a continued relationship means accomodating you

[@amberbariaktari]

@@andreapalma7570I just want to mention these really lovely books that I’ve been reading because I just was diagnosed and realized I was autistic and have combo ADHD and they’re helping me and they are really good reading for loved ones as well . The Autism Partner Handbook (and its not only for partners, its also for parents and family and friends etc). Self Care for Autistic Adults. What Works for Autistic Adults. Avoiding Anxiety for Autistic Adults. Looking After Your Autistic Self. All of these I highly recommend either for the autistic and or ADHD person or person who loves them. ❤

[@mariecait]

I understand the culture sadly does not understand or is ashamed of anything “different” as your mom kept saying “normal”… very sad and I’m sorry you went thru that. I didn’t graduate high school and was told I was crazy and defiant. I’d have full blown meltdowns and couldn’t concentrate on anything. It is very hard for the parents to understand especially if they are from a strict culture. My dad would call me “headstrong” but once I discovered channels on here of other women who are neurodivergent I relate so much with the frustration and hurt that you don’t feel heard or seen, I hear you and I see you Irene. Your feelings are valid. Your mom being a libra just wants to always keep the peace. But I can tell she’s trying her best. I struggle daily with communicating with my mom too. Sending love and thank you for being so vulnerable I am going to share with my mom. “See! We’re not alone!” ❤

[@foxyfox9196]

Tbh when a parent of a neurodivergent child thinks certain things are normal it basically makes me assume they must be neurodivergent/undiagnosed too. A Very strong genetic component mainly. But also, it's like when you come out to your very straight mom and she's all "come on now, don't be dramatic. Everyone is attracted to girls" (Or even my actively homophobic father that thinks everyone regardless of gender or orientation is inherently attracted to Ryan Reynolds and keeps posters of him around to have something pretty to look at during sex??? And I'm like no bro, that's just you)

[@eks2024]

Didn't graduate high school too. Had a "tantrum" just before exams.

[@ClairePolansky]

Your mom is amazing! She not only engages you with your special interests right of the bat, she recognizes how your brain is trying to cancel itself out with ADHD and Autism and how hard it must be for you.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

I can relate to the feelings of “Why didn’t anyone see this and help me??” I would also caution to be kind to your mom- I’m sure she did the best she could/knew how. The understanding of what Autism looked like (or even ADHD in girls) was just not widely available. I’m 39, and was diagnosed ADHD in college, and am self-diagnosed Autistic just recently. Thank you for sharing your story; I’m sure it will help others to understand neurodiversity better!

[@ellenschrader7971]

Thanks so much for making this video and your mum for agreeing to it! It was really helpful

[@thethoughtspot222]

The resentment is real. Part of what’s so hard about growing up and reparenting yourself/ finding your own peace. But I do think there’s a way to make space for that resentment while also being understanding/ grateful

[@nicolequezada-castro9650]

How? I’d love to learn tools on how to accomplish both with my own parents. My anxiety keeps me from them for way too long.@thethoughtspot222

[@tara5742]

For others asking why didn’t the mother seek help when she knew her daughter was acting out above what a typical child would experience, publicly and through friends and family, mothers are told it’s because they as mothers aren’t setting boundaries or that the child has been spoiled through bad parenting That’s changing as more people become educated I’m so glad channels like this exist to not only help the person that’s been diagnosed, but also for the parent

[@rkivelover]

This! I was not at all safe to have meltdowns in my family home for this reason. My parents were very strict when we were little, they didn't tolerate any kind of defiance. We would simply be punished or neglected for crying at nothing, becoming angry or being stubborn.

[@BloomByCC]

It is such a gift to have a mother who is willing to be vulnerable like this. Obviously you've both done so much work together already. I think it's just as important for us to give our parents the compassion we want from them, understanding is reciprocal. You are both brave.

[@RONHICKSK2]

Your poor mom my mom would be just like her second generation American from Czechoslovakia. She is so sweet.

[@gailalbers1430]

I can tell that you’re mom is really sad that they did not know what was really going on (i.e. autism/adhd) She seems like a strong female person of chinese background; I can see where you got your strength. It shows to me how much she lovesyou to cooperate with this interview. You appear to have a huge anger towards your childhood experiences, snd you express this towards your mother. ( I also grew up as the daughter of an immigrant mother and I believe that there is a gulf that exists because of the different upbringing and cultural experiences, which our mothers just cannot transcend, as they themselves are trying to cope living in a very different country, culture. I can also tell that you’re still very hurt and triggered. I would really encourage you to possibly do family therapy with n autism expert, while you still have your mom to heal the past and your relationship. I am crying, because my mother is gone and I could never get over my rage towards her even though I did my own therapy about what I went through as a child. I have a lot of grief and regret now. Sending you love and encouragement - you’re an extraordinary and talented ( your mom knows that ) person and i feel you can make a difference in many people‘s lives with your videos and your work books and templates. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@violakarl6900]

She's from Taiwan, not China

[@pmo873]

Totally relatable. I wish my mom was as open to discussion as your’s - mine is still so deeply entrenched in the stigma around not being normal that she’ll deny anything related to the topic. Would you ever do one of these types of videos in Chinese? It would be super helpful as it’s tough to find resources / media or anything like this for the Chinese community and us with parents who aren’t as fluent in English.

[@antoinechambon4865]

Maybe we could already use community subtitles to translate in different languages. I've been wanting to translate this content into French to make it more accessible, because this type of videos especially must take much time and efforts, maybe even exhaustion. By submitting subtitles, we could help making them more accessible in different languages ? For some people or languages, written information may not be as accessible as spoken one... but it still could be a first step towards a broader diffusion of this content :)

[@0blivvy8]

I had the same struggle as Irene. Constant meltdowns that my parents knew weren't typical, yet they dismissed them. I was "just too sensitive". From as early as I can remember (around age 4-5), I told my parents "There's something wrong with me", "I'm not like the other kids", and "I don't fit in", etc. I was just dismissed and anything I brought up was invalidated and minimized. I had so many difficulties and meltdowns that were ignored. When I was a teen, I confided that I believed I had depression and asked to see a therapist. That was dismissed as well. *TW* Maybe a year later I imploded and couldn't take the intense stress anymore. I tried to end my suffering and it's only then that I got mental health help. That was at age 16 and I was Dx'd with OCD, ADD, depression & anxiety. It's hard not to feel upset that my parents realized that I was struggling, and I constantly told them that I was & had meltdowns, yet they ignored it all. It's nice to see Irene's convo with her mom because my parents are incapable of having discussions where they truly listen. Talks result in emotional and verbal abuse, no matter how carefully I converse or approach it. I recently had a memory come back to me that I'd ignored because it didn't make sense. I was 4 and my mother was irate on the phone. I asked her why she said that I wasn't artistic and why she was so mad about it. She snapped, that's not what they said! Well, now I think I know what she was upset about! I asked her but she doesn't remember; she's toxic, so even if she did remember, she wouldn't be truthful.

[@tracik1277]

Your experiences with your mum sound familiar to me.

[@NettieFIRE]

Well said and very thought provoking. Thank you. Sometime parents need a similar diagnosis to that given to their own children. (~Perhaps~) Sometime that explains the relational dynamic between parent and child. (~sometimes~) Toxic may sometimes be OCD, ADD, depression and/or anxiety in disguise. (~Maybe~) It is all very exhausting because sometime an open discussion is an oxymoron to the diagnosis. (~sadly~)

[@Sandisile20]

Who else could never be this confrontational with their mom.?Like wow, I was getting so uncomfortable with how mad Irene was getting and how her mom was fighting for her life😂. Like I can't even finish the video because it's giving me anxiety. Maybe that's just the empath in me(and trauma) I really admire Irene for pulling out those hard questions on her mom. I could never.

[@Beafree]

I'm self diagnosed as autism as of a couple months ago. I am of latino culture. I can understand your mom's thinking back then only because they don't ever assume mental disorder. Their first assumption is misbehavior. Mental illness is taboo in our cultures. In my case, I was "non verbal" or "shy" was called quirky. My dad has told me what he saw as odd about me as a child but still refuses to believe Im autistic. It's frustrating.

[@christinadonnelly781]

Thank you both for this conversation. Honestly it's taking me awhile to get through your whole video because it really resonates with me. The way your Mom perceived you as a child is very familiar. The fact that she was willing to sit with you and do this is mind blowing to me. This will never be my reality with my mother. I am so sorry for all the pain and difficulty you suffered as a child and continue to experience throughout this discussion you had with your Mom. It feels so strange to me to try to explain to your parent how you were not trying to be defiant or difficult. I hope parents watch this and I change how they approach their children. I am a parent of two neurodivergent kids and I always try to start from a place that they are not doing anything intentionally to me and everything I see is them trying to cope. My job is to figure out why they are using this thing to cope and why they feel like they have to cope. I don't always get it right but I seriously hope that they won't go through what you went through and what I went through as a kid. And if they do feel I didn't do what they needed that they can speak to me like you are speaking to your Mom here and I will just apologize and learn. Thank you so very much for this and I hope to make it to the end of your video at some point.

[@pedrova8058]

In high school I went to a boys school, which wasn't very strict, but appearance was an issue. They checked you at the door and if you didn't meet the standard, they sent you back home with a note for your parents. Color scarves, color gloves (in winter), shoes, and hair length. If it touched the neck of your jacket, you didn't get in. And it was constant... then one day I got tired, and the most logical thing was "ok, if I have to cut my hair every 2 or 3 months, then if I shave my head I won't have to go back to the hairdresser so often". When the monday came, everyone thought I was a freak, my classmates, my family, no one saw "the convenience of the reasoning" hahah, only the appearance scared them deep down XD... And when I shaved my head, I had to explain myself a bunch of times. Some time later, I simply let my hair grow, very long, and it was exactly the same: "but why do you grow your hair so long? Why go from shaved head to long hair?" ... it was always the need not to obey or submit to standards that made no more sense that "should be" (now I know that's PDA)

[@TakeMeAWeigh]

I’m 42 and I do think I have autism. I went to therapy for a moment and I brought up that I may have Asperger’s but it was quickly blown off that these people are super smart and focused on one specific thing. I did get a social anxiety, depression, and Trichotillomania diagnosis but never has it been connected to the fact I could be autistic. I also feel I struggle with ADHD. I used to sulk that my parents didn’t try to seek help for me when I was young because I so clearly had issues. I’m black and it just wasn’t in our culture or finances to seek any mental health services back then. Although I’m not looking for any more labels, I do think it would help me learn to navigate this thing called life with a bit more ease.

[@JoyFay]

I’m sorry to say, but you being female and black makes it even harder to get an autism diagnosis, even if you are.

[@kewlade719]

Hope you continue to advocate for the help you feel you need. In the end it's just you and the world, and you know yourself better than anyone ❤️

[@carinu5444]

I hear you! Definitely keep fighting for yourself. It could be that you are focused on one or even two things, but it hasn't dawned on you yet. For me, it is how the mind works. That is my primary or at least the one I tend to speak on the most. There is one other, scripture, but most of society don't care about it. It doesn't always have to be things that ppl can see. I can say that watching and studying up more on autism will allow you to see yourself more if you are.

[@NeonKodiak]

This video is really tough to go through because I identify with Irene in a lot of moments, but also see how hard it must've been for your mother who didn't know any better and tried her best but at the same time could be very unsympathetic toward her child, who was still growing and learning how to navigate the world. It's tough, I have my own issues with my mother and how I wish she would've done things or said things differently and it has affected our relationship and at the same time trying to understand that she went in blind and didn't know how to deal with it.

[@kriswalker3275]

Your mom is so brave to talk openly like that. What's funny is we all think we would do different when approached with the question "if we had known then would we do differentt?" We think we would but if we didn't have the tools we wouldn't of done much different. We even tend to get more overwhelmed and it can be worse. Just knowing isn't enough, we have to have tools to respond better and looking at how nurodiversity is handled even right now it's a bit dismal to be honest. With me I was tested for everything but autism, it was the 1970's-80's and the understanding is even lower then. They thought I couldn't hear, or was mentally retarded. Put on special slow classes that insulted how intelligent I am and brought my confidence down till I checked out and was defeated. I stopped trying at that point and just did what I had to to get done with the school year

[@kewlade719]

Meltdowns are so common with children and even more frequent from those with ADHD/ autism.... Interesting thing about meltdowns, kids have them around parents, bc usually it's whom they feel the most safe around. With all the bottled up energy that hasn't been released bc of having to mask or processing so much let's say for example in school around the child's peers , is exhausting! By the end of the day all the extra processing and hiding behaviors that seem weird or abnormal they just want to let go of, and children do so around parents bc they know they won't be judged . I feel adults who have still deal with meltdowns will also lean on people whom (we) trust like our partners or parents.

[@sarahnoke]

As an AuADHD asian woman, also daughter of an immigrant asian woman, this is hard to watch but also so helpful. Theres SO much here! We are working with intersections of race, divergence, social norms within a specific culture, gender social norms, BIPOC women navigating a white supremacist culture, authoritarian school systems. SO MANY LAYERS! I can see and acknowledged both experiences .... you, having the systems in power ( your school experience and home life experience) fail you and then blame you! So much injustice. I relate to your experience spot on. And i can acknowledge your mothers struggles as well...immigrant woman influenced by her cultural norms to stay 'safe' within her community/ family, 'WE CANNOT HAVE THE FAMILY/PEOPLE TALK ABOUT US , we have to blend in and not stand out.' This is a very asian mindset from my experiences I also am realizing how immigrant BIPOC women just have not had access to their voice to stand up to the white man/ woman. Assimilation requires someone to again, blend in and not cause any disruption to the systems in power. Im assuming most of your teachers were White? And for an Asian immigrant woman to stand up to them (for you) just wasnt probably an option in the unconscious mind. We also have to remember technology / the internet was not as accesible as it is now. And the lack of access to information in the 80's/ 90's of ADHD & Autism , especially presenting in girls, just was not a thing. RAWR ! to the patriarchy within the health care systems that consistently overlook girls and women. I have so much anger towards my parents who werent paying attention to my suffering and nonverbal cues and in turn blamed me for being naughty, defiant, having 'anger issues', not smart enough etc . I have to undo all the internalized thoughts about myself. And I can also hold the truth that my parents did the best they could with their limited knowledge and specifically for my mother, the limitations as an immigrant Asian women navigating a white supremist culture. Its complex and messy.

[@AxisXIViral]

I'm really struggling with having a conversation about this with my Mom right now. Quite triggering to watch but agreed it's important, and thank you for sharing this with all of us. It is so personal and so difficult.

[@noconnell874]

This is a very uncomfortable watch for me as I relate to so much of the pressure you were put through as a child to perform for adults amusement, and for adults to have bragging rights about your achievements. You’re obviously gifted with many talents, and it’s such a pity that society didn’t provide a way for you to express that in a safe And private way. I have to stop and start this video a few times and watch it in private so my family don’t see me getting emotional. I’m also autistic with ADHD and I was only diagnosed last year at age 44. I also have a difficult relationship with my mother, and I’ve had 20 years of talk therapy, but I think I’m still only scratching the surface of healing, my inner child, and all that burnout and trauma and pressure to perform at such a young age.You are you and your mum are fantastic to have been able to sit down and discuss this in front of the camera and I have a feeling that maybe your mum would not be so open to this conversation without a camera, but it looks like she’s really willing to learn and to accept your feelings as well and now I wish my mum was as open minded as yours. Thank you so much for sharing this I’m subscribing to your channel.❤

[@kevinroyceho]

This video is so amazing, heartbreaking and so necessary. I can't help but think of all the other neurodivergent people who will never have this conversation with their parents and maybe they don't want to! But maybe this video can still offer them some comfort and solace in the fact that at least someone is able to have this moment with their parent. Thank you so much for making this video and your content and channel. ❤

[@cassthelass7589]

That need to understand why you're being told to do something, and need for logical reasoning is soo core to my entire childhood with ADHD though I don't believe I'm autistic, it is therapeutic to hear someone else had this experience; I too was punished and made to believe I was a defiant "problem" kid despite trying to fit in, I'm sure this contributed to developing anxiey and trichotillomania at 11 among other things. I mourn for us kids (esp us minority kids who had added pressures) who were undiagnosed and parents didn't have any idea of neurodivergence or even mental factors at all. It strikes my nerves everytime my family use the word "normal" like your mom does here, where it carries this weird weight as a "good" vs. "bad" thing and with it, parental denial. And I'm so sorry for your mistreatment from teachers💔 I learned from this and though it is triggering I think its great you've made this video with your mom, so glad she is trying to understand.❤ Lots of love to you Irene.

[@TechnicolorGothic]

As an autistic person who was late diagnosed, the conversation was triggering and I felt so much empathy for you, Irene. As a parent of 2 autistic kids that I had before I was diagnosed, I also felt empathy for Irene’s mom’s blindness. It’s taken me 4 different viewings to comment, and I still can’t finish this video. I cannot even imagine having a conversation like this with my mother (who I’m positive is also autistic). Thank you for your content ❤

[@okforevigt]

i saw so many parallels between your story and mine , that i decided to show this video to my parents. They told me it helped them understand certain important aspects of my life experiences, and i just want to thank you for making this video so i could use it in this way.

[@zarradsana5888]

Irene , thank you so much for being vunerable in your videos.. I love how you frame this with so much respect and kindness for your mom while also portraying a relatable dynamic.

[@LDPink60]

Thanks for sharing this very difficult conversation 🙏🏻 I’m a parent of a 27 yr old son who was diagnosed Autistic with ADHD too at age 25. It’s been a big learning curve but adult autistic creators like you were so helpful for him to understand himself but especially for me to understand all of these different ways he was experiencing the world and his inner thoughts, emotions, and sensory processing. Every parent with an autistic adult child or late diagnosed child can learn so so much if they watch content like this. Paige Layle , Monique Botha, Aucademy, and Dr Nick Walker and our friend Aaron Orsini have all been great educators as well as now your channel ☺️

[@tishyloo]

This is hitting so many spots. Meltdown/tantrums. Chinese family issues. Bluntness got me fired this week. “Rudeness”. Thank you for making this channel.

[@Seevawonderloaf]

This is so important as a conversation. I’m Indian and I remember a family friend crying to my mom that the teacher told her her kid has adhd. She cried saying her kid is perfect and doesn’t have a ‘mental issue’. We have a long way to go as a community to both accept mental health and mental disabilities but also to realise it is totally ok. Funniest thing of all is that a decade later i realise i probably have adhd and so does my mom. 😂 I hope the friend realised it is just neurodivergence which needs to be accommodated.

[@houseonfire6084]

I have just self diagnosed as autistic at age 45. I´m going through a kind of rage period because it seems impossible to me that no one ever caught on to my autism. It would have been a great help if they had. I insisted on going to school counselors and then to psychologist starting at 9 years old until college because I was struggling so much and they never even hinted at autism. I went to psychiatrists, went on to major in psychology and did years of psychoanalisis and never even suspected it myself. So I´m not in the least bit surprised that your mom had no idea. I was constantly around professionals who never detected it. The results have been devastating in my life in every possible way. I really hope that the visibility that you and people like you are providing is helpful to kids going through the same things now. Thank you to you and your mom for doing this. It was very brave and vulnerable of both of you.

[@samirah4786]

I'm sorry for how you were treated and are still treated in this video :(

[@Belenshares]

Parent of a self diagnosed autistic young adult, diagnosed with anxiety and adhd in her mid teens. Watching your video I realized that one of the reasons why my kid didn’t get a formal autism diagnosis is because I accommodated instinctively a lot during her childhood which prevented a lot of behaviors. Perhaps this is due to my being -undiagnosed- adhd as well and having some trauma from not receiving explanations during my own childhood. My parenting style definitely included explaining the why, and tried to listen to her input. At school she always had caring teachers and she was happy. The ever changing friend group and not fitting in didn’t happen until middle school because in elementary school we had a mom group that provided a stable kid group. I simply thought she was unique but didn’t realize there was something wrong until she hit puberty when friend dynamics got really tricky and external demands went up. I understand the cultural aspect as well. We are a mixed household, South Asian and European. My husband had a lot more trouble accommodating but at least I was in her corner.

[@papamaanbeerVideo]

props to your mom for getting on cam with you

[@carolynsuedickens]

You and your mom are both incredible women Your discussion was very familiar to me. My mother, daughter, and I are autistic and because we were undiagnosed, have dealt with many of the situations you discussed with your mother. When we became aware of our neuro diversity, the door opened to forgiveness, which freed us all from actions born of our ignorance. Anger has been replaced by peace. As Maya Angelo's so wisely said, "When you know better you do better." ❤

[@jeromegilly]

I can see how much pain your mom is in. Gosh she looks absolutely gutted putting on a strong face. God bless you both For me I was tested and they said I had ADHD but my mom ignored them because she thought they wanted to put me on meds to make managing me easier in school. My mom isn’t from this country and she was born in the 50s. I think I have autism and ADHD but I’m very good at masking to a certain extent. Social situations are super difficult because I learned how to socialize from tv so it was very Surface level. Now I hyper fixate on reading people so that I understand. I have been diagnosed and I don’t know where to go to get help.

[@Dreamingofpoop]

as a late dx autist, it’s hard hearing those ableist words from a parent, even if it IS the truth 🥺 i just wish things had been different

[@miriamceornea97]

to be honest tho it is really nice of your mother to say, she sees you as a normal child despite your behaviors, like se sees you as normal, even with a diagnoses, she knows what you could behave like and can act differently now and keeping on pushing on her trying to get out of her to tell you, you are not normal, I think is kind of trying to put her on the spot to reinforce that

[@miriamceornea97]

also "could have, should have" but they did not do it at that time also and it is not to excuse someones hurtful behavior, we have to take into account that teacher do not deal with one person but with many and they have to bring forth their program in school and it is kind of sed that they are also put into that situation too and can not "do much about it" but only to a constraint amount. The things about moving on from the past is also learning to see the behavior and forgive the people that did not know better. I do appreciate you bringing those topics to light with person examples but it is also the heaviness of the topic, which I understand that dose sounds a lot like the teachers ARE the problem but there are a lot of things that play into that dynamic, every one is broth up differently, every child has also their own issues, there are family issues and so on, it is A LOT for teacher as well. I had a similar dynamic in school and one of my brothers has ADHD and the other one has Autism and I have had very deep depression throwout childhood into my teens until my early adulthood and it was not easy, it dose not keep one from having a good environment and support, now a day more then ever, there are so many sources we can reach out too, to get the help we need and we can expect it from people that have little undressing of this whole stuff but also there are many people that do not go throw autism and have compassion and a lot of understanding, we should give credit to the people that are still trying their best for us, to make us feel, like we are normal and we do belong and there is nothing wrong with us. Good point with the asking people why they say no and wanting to know the reason behind it, I hated when my parents did that and I was always "too curious" and I do believe it is because they do not want to admit to themselves, that there is litteraly no actual reason for them saying no, other then them wanting things to be a certain way and the presssior they put unto themselves and all of those things all together

[@miriamceornea97]

one last thing, the bluntness, yes, why can't you just tell me to wash the damn things, I always say that to my mother, if you want me to get something done then just ask me, you don't have to give me back handed, passive aggressive comments

[@everglow-simp]

Well that's an autistic person right there. The bluntness. The blaming.. Etc

[@PepitaPulgarcita123]

Thank you to you and your mum for this open conversation. It's not easy and in a way I can understand both of you, the different perspectives. I was also diagnosed as an adult recently and sometimes it's difficult not to feel some resentment towards our parents, but I guess they did as best as they could, including the mental/social/emotional limitations they themselves had and the knowledge available at the time.

[@yogi8903]

My mom is a social worker and therapist and denial prevented her from ever getting services for me. She just said I was different. I'm almost 30 and just now exploring my neurodivergency. I can feel the trauma radiating during this conversation but I really really appreciate the vulnerability from you both in putting this out there. ❤

[@kelsqi-books4835]

There's definitely a phenomenon where parents subconsciously idealize both their children's abilities and health. Like, my dad isn't good at remembering my allergies, and he always says "your fine" even if I'm like... ill. It's not that he doesn't care, but that he desperately wants it to be true. It doesn't occur to some parents that something clinical is going on, because they can't accept that something might be wrong. ❤ I feel like I can see how distressed your mom is at the idea of you struggling, she clearly really loves you.

[@yetropolos]

'locked you in a room until you do your work', mmmmmmmmmmmmm hearing that sure stokes a special kinda rage, my biggest fear since getting my diagnosis a month ago is facing more isolation and judgement from others. Late diagnosis at 30 goddamn sucks.

[@user-lq4sw1cx5z]

yes, we really have to take a multi angled look at how we are treating children, children need to have rights and be respected.

[@adhdblack1401]

I love what you’re doing!! This is something I want to do with my own dad and shine a light on the African American experience with neurodiversity. This is a great example of how to do that without villainizing your parent, and highlighting the complexity of it all. This is a topic wis really difficult to unpack and I think you did this really well. Thank you❤

[@melvamelendez9817]

"...your tone of voice is, like, so rude..." Funny, because I remember my own kids, when they were school-age, telling me the same thing - they said my tone sounded rude when I would order food at the counter of a fast food restaurant. I had no idea what it was that they were referring to. I thought I was just being specific and precise about how I wanted my food prepared.

[@absolutelyfab]

Awesome that you both were generous in sharing this difficult conversation with us! That was courageous of your mom to not let the fear of judgement stop her from participating (in a convo that will help many ppl). My mother has often said something to the affect of “we did the best that we could” (which is true more or less to the level of their consciousness and information available at the time). but the takeaway to me is that now that we’re both adults it’s incumbent upon you to learn about my diagnosis and the way that played a part in my upbringing and your perception of my personality. I understand it’s hard for parents to understand the impact (or relevancy) of how they treated/treat us and I feel we get triggered for having to hold space and parent them at the same time as explaining how damaging it was/is when we were treated as “normal”. That we were never bad children. Anyway, thank you both!

[@Julia-el3lu]

Holy cow. This video and comment makes me feel so seen. Thank you

[@sarac4850]

I really appreciate a different perspective of parent child relationship. I'm also 2nd generation immigrant daughter and i no longer have a relationship with my own mother because of denial and willful ignorance. I actually really really appreciate how open and vulnerable your mom was here. As both a daughter and now mother, i really feel that she loves you deeply and is trying her hardest to cut across cultural barriers that were ingrained in her so that she can have a better relationship with you. She may have not taken the correct actions in the past but hindsight is 20/20. As a society we knew so much less about mental health back in her days. Even in my own experience it was a nightmare getting a sensory processing disorder diagnosis for my son just 10yrs ago and i had no idea what i was facing when he did get it... but thankfully i had just enough alternative thinking individuals in my life to nudge me in the right direction. Truly, there was so much less of that in her days as a mom to young children. She didn't have internet forums or webMD. I'm not sure about your mom but my mom faced a LOT of discrimination after she first immigrated, so having a child acting out was just even more difficult to navigate (not to mention her navigating what sounds like an abusive relationship). It is really hard being an autistic child, and really hard being in charge of caring for an autistic child without understanding what is really happening. I know both sides of this and feel a lot of sadness for both of you talking about the past. I know there's a strong desire to push her nose in her mistakes but honestly she seemed like she was trying to be a good mom in the way she knew how to. Her best may not ever live up to your expectations or what you deserve, but it's not nothing. Asian culture is a b*tch and it really seems to me she's trying to dissolve her conceptions of what is acceptable and appropriate. She really seems to be listening and trying to understand all the new terminology and ideas you toss her way and i think that's really amazing for the both of you and your relationship together 👏 💗

[@TheTimeLord725]

Listening to you recount your meltdowns with your mom and other experiences with undiagnosed autism really reminded me of many of my childhood memories as well. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 7-8, but it wasn't until recently in my mid 20s that I recieved an autism diagnosis. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in my experiences and others have had similar childhood struggles that many people didn't recognize.

[@chrissles]

Hi Irene, thank you for creating this content. It has helped me immensely as a mom. I am in the process of getting my son diagnosed with ASD at the age of 25. For years I have been researching what the root cause of his behavior is, leading to a graveyard of supplements and doctor appointments and books. Growing up, his defiance was through the roof. I remember actually having him sign a contract for an after school activity he wanted me to sign him up for which always ended in meltdowns and such struggle. I couldn’t understand why he would want to sign up for things when it created such stress for him. I have a daughter that I needed to take to sports as well and we were always late due to his meltdowns. The contract stated that he was the one that wanted to participate and he would be ready to leave at a timely manner. After doing all the research, it got me nowhere closer. When he went to college, my stress was through the roof. If he didn’t answer my texts or calls, it was gut wrenching. I would get calls from him in the middle of the night to ask me to come over which was 1.5 hours away. Of course, I would pack my belongings and jet out the door. This created a lot of tension with my husband and my father. It would create added stress since they were afraid he wasn’t doing well but then more stress about me driving in the middle of the night. One time, after getting off the freeway, a drunk driver was driving on the wrong side of the street coming straight at my car. I finally reached out to a therapist to help me cope. Her advice was to let him know, I will get help for you in the morning or turning my phone off. NOT helpful and not something I could ever bring myself to do. The only helpful thing she mentioned when I told her I suspected he has BPD is that BPD and ASD overlap. That is when I saw so many similarities and it made more sense. My husband and I feel like such idiots that we couldn’t see it before. My son has also excelled in school and every single one of his teachers loved him. His manager at work actually teared up during his exit interview when he was leaving to college. I say this to preface that with all this, I never suspected ASD. It wasn’t even on the radar. I sense your annoyance with your mom for not knowing how to cater to you. As a mom myself and growing up in an abusive home and having to go through life trying to unravel that, I would like to say that when you become a parent, no one gives you a handbook. You’re plagued with your own past childhood trauma’s and you do the best with what you have. I would do anything for my kids but I don’t what I don’t know. I resonated with your mom when she said, you seemed normal but you had behaviors that weren’t normal. My son was diagnosed with ADHD during high school and not once was ASD mentioned. If a doctor didn’t catch it, it would be difficult for anyone else to come to that conclusion. My hope is that you forgive your mom for not catching it sooner. I love my kids and seeing them suffer is the last thing I want. If I had known what I know today, of course I would do things differently.

[@alyciaholloway2151]

This is truly hitting home with me and my 14 year old daughter. I wanted her to be different, to do all the things I could never measure up to: grades, dance, cheer. As a single Mom, I couldn’t afford for her to do anything, now, she just doesn’t wanna do anything -bc executive dysfunction. She is in therapy and is seeing a psych for her ADHD, PTSD…trying to find a provider who accepts our insurance for the actual Autism diagnosis is difficult. Thank you both for this video!

[@EtherealEarth945]

Thank you for sharing this! I wish my mom would agree to do something like this but she’s in even more denial than it seems your mom was. Her answers to what she thought of your behaviors as a child are so similar to what my mom would say. I appreciate how direct you are with her and in the video. I watched a bunch of your videos yesterday while I felt like I was in a brain and body shutdown (I strongly believe I am Autistic and I know I have ADHD, among other diagnoses), and I find your voice and what you say super calming and grounding. You definitely helped me, and I wanted to say thank you for what you do here 💚

[@kelliestledger5290]

I am sure that both myself and my daughter have autism/adhd I think my daughter is much more unmasked than I am. I try to be sensitive but have unfortunately said and done things that have made her feel the same as you have, I also received the same from my mother and felt very alone and misunderstood. I don’t mean to do it but sometimes I forget she struggles so much because she looks normal. And I often hope that I’m wrong and she can be taught to cope better. also I am triggered by her meltdowns because I hate loud noises so it’s very hard to manage. Even though I understand a lot of what she is going through I have different experiences. And sometimes societal pressure and ignorance can become too important. To parent and support her in her comfort takes everyone to be on board and so many people don’t understand. Sometimes my worry and stress and fear makes me want to force her to learn how to get on with things 😢 now I’m a mother I understand how we can get it so wrong sometimes. And unfortunately being so misunderstood can be traumatic for autistic and adhd people.

[@angelalovell5669]

Got a minute for some co-curricular activity storytime? Hearing about all your childhood activities and the effect they had on you, and your mother's reaction got me thinking... My godmother was fairly well off and was kind enough to pay for horse riding lessons for me for YEARS, because I loved horses and all four of her daughters had been riders so it made sense to her that I would want that also. She even paid for me to part-lease a horse - I don't know what that entailed financially but it just meant that I got to look after and ride someone else's horse that was part of the riding school when they weren't there. That made me so happy, to have this connection with first beautiful stubborn Emma (she wouldn't work well with just anybody and people called me stubborn too so we got along... she died of colic, oh god my heart) and then Phooey, this lovely little horse who could jump way higher than you'd guess and was my friend. I was so incredibly lucky and privileged to have all of that, and I knew it at the time (obviously not as well as I do now, with greater context). But the weekly lessons were on Friday afternoons. After an entire week of school, I was supposed to pull on a tight pair of jodhpurs in a hot car, sometimes no snack or drink and go straight from school to a lesson with my amazing but a bit abrasive teacher and all the sensory overwhelm of switching from primary school to a country riding setting on top of a large animal I may or may not know very well, depending who was available. And this is in Australia so fairly good weather, but sometimes the sun is so bright, you can't stand it and so hot, you can feel your skin burn in under a minute (somehow, it always hit me first). Holy freaking moly. I often moaned and whined to get my mum to cancel the lesson. I didn't even understand why, and I was so mad at myself, but I just couldn't do it. What's worse, if my mum refused to let me out of it and managed to force me into my gear, out of the car and onto a horse - THEN I WAS FINE, HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE. You'd think knowing that would have got me out of those meltdowns more (and I think it did, eventually, as I got older) but of course not, you can't just overpower sensory overwhelm at will, at least not without a lot of practice, tools and support. This dynamic of me not wanting to go, but loving it if I managed to get there, drove us all crazy and kept the situation going for a few years, thank goodness for our collective persistence (said with hindsight - I did love being with horses) Thinking about it now is rough as guts, I feel so bad for my little self and I still feel the same confusion, anger, frustration and misery at missing out on something I loved for reasons I couldn't describe and could barely understand. I also feel bad for my mum, not understanding the situation and getting super frustrated, but it's hard... because I feel like I HAVE to feel more sympathy for myself, because that's what I had to do at the time - she didn't have much, and there was no one else, so it had to come from me. So even now, as an adult and long after she died, it's still really hard to fully extend that sympathy to her position, because I'm so stuck trying to protect myself from feeling utterly alone, completely misunderstood and somewhat genuinely despised. It feels a little stupid because I can't even do it as a theoretical exercise when I'm low (which is pretty frequent) - I mean, she's not even around for my sympathy or forgiveness to even be offered, what's the problem? But it hurt so much going through most of my childhood feeling like I had to be fundamentally different in order for anyone, but particularly my mother and only parent, to even consider loving me. Um. Heavy. But thanks for helping me think through those memories in context of my actual neurodiversity rather than "Well, you have always sucked, haven't you?" Gosh, I identify with your experiences related here so much! Edit: Ha, forgot - I'm AuDHD (ADHD diagnosed, ASD self identified, in diagnostic process). Seems self evident, but good to identify.

[@tina1061]

Our mom was probably similar on where she thinks that we were just throwing tantrums to get what we want. It might have been true as a toddler but as I grow up, Im always the "too sensative" chid or have anger issues. Ironically, my mom changed profession as a special needs teacher when I was 10 (she said it was simply because it was the only vacancy available). After that, she probably saw that I have similar meltdowns as her students. But even then she always resorted to alternative treatment (mostly because her father is one of the one doing the alternative treatment) to "fix" me. I felt very invalidated to the point I doubt my own personality. She did mention that she suspected that I was autistic in my late teens but due to multiple reasons, i rejected her offer to start theraphy. Ive only started ro go to theraphy once I made my own mony as that was basically my bucket list. Now Im on med for ADHD and sometimes my mom does point out on "weening off" the meds. I do suspect that she also has adhd because the two of us are extremely forgetful 😅

[@HShango]

My mother was quite similar to your mom in how she handled me when I was a kid (with undiagnosed autism spectrum back then, I'm 29M) My mother deep down knew here was something wrong with me, she told me how i used to get upset and cry (meltdowns) when I was a little boy over things that I didn't agree with, there was so many signs that I needed more help professional in the education system too ( I struggled with education, because I was not confroming to the norms at all and I've got historical learning difficulties with my ASD). So just like your mother...my mother also just thought i was throwing temper tantrums, she couldn't understand why back then I had meltdowns or shutdowns or even at some point be muted (mutism) at certain times. She also couldn't understand why I behaved so differently compared to my brother who is a year younger than me and also has ADHD but was still able to do normal things, while I didn't do the normal things. it took me al the way up to my late 20s (28, last year) I'm now 29 to get my diagnosis that I have ASD and for me it was a sense of relief and happiness, because it answered a lot of my questions in my head (all those years ago) i started to get flashbacks of my childhood and my teenagerhood as well when they disclosed it to me. That was when I realised that i wasn't being weird at all, I was being me. I only started masking when I got in my adulthood, because I was quite ashamed of who I was, I didn't know how to embrace my slef yet (I'm referring to my late teens and early 20s) it took me so many years with challenges and struggles to overcome a lot of it be comfortable with who I am. A lot of the times it got so bad that I questioned why i even exist at certain times, because I felt I was misunderstood by my friends and family. But now, I feel better because I'm to discover there are people like me out there who have gone through a similar experience. I'm happy I'm not the only one out there.

[@user-lq4sw1cx5z]

yes I relate, it is so hard to be misunderstood in this way. I was pushed into all these activities that were all overwhelming for someone as sensitive as I am .

[@thiswave499]

This was amazing and something I’ve never seen before so thank you for sharing. I deeply sympathize as an autistic daughter of an immigrant adhd mom who did not listen to my needs growing up and still struggles to understand now

[@SP-uj5jn]

That was so brave of you both. Thank you for sharing this. I'm a mom of 2 boys who have autism, one also has adhd. I strongly feel that I have both autism and adhd. I was never diagnosed. When I recently told my mom I think I have undiagnosed autism, she instantly responded while laughing, " You don't have autism." Then I asked, "how do you know that? A lot of ppl my age ( mid-40's) didn't get diagnosed".. she then says emphatically, "because I'm your mom." This conversation that you had gave me an example of how to ask the hard questions. I also love that you had the questions written out so I can use them if needed. Thanks again for your content, bravery, and honesty. I'm a new subscriber. I also really liked your video on executive dysfunction. I'll be watching more soon. Edited to add that when you talked about being in school, that really hit home for me as a little girl, masking/ppl pleasing. Also for my 2 children who were treated very badly in the public school system. After years of me trying to figure out how to keep my children safe at school (my children were locked in rooms, isolated, screamed at by aides, physically restrained, dragged, I was DESPERATE! I would go to sometimes 10+ IEP's per year, write the behavior lans myself, meet with te director of the sp. Ed dept, etc, read laws, school regulations, classroom observations, talked to a lawyer. Ultimately I am now happily homeschooling my 2 sweet boys, we moved to a very tranquil environment with lots of trees, animals, etc. I felt so alone and helpless as a child and as an adult. The public school is driven by their money, accountability reduction. It might sound silly but my inner child thanks you for this video!! ❤

[@erisadamo4625]

so very brave of both of you to be having such a vulnerable conversation, on camera. Thank you for doing this!!! I love your videos xxx

[@suddenlyautistic]

This was a very powerful video. Thanks for making it. Watching this after having my own kids and failing in the most spectacular way with the differences in all of our emotional landscapes, I felt sad for both and protective over the mum. I don't know what it's like where this family lived but here, during my parenting time (my kids are early 20s), I sought and couldn't get answerers or support anywhere. In fact, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was the problem, not that there was a problem and our family needed support. So yeh, it's great in theory to say 'go get help' or 'just try this'. That's not necessarily going to work. It's just so complicated and triggering. Parenting is so hard and everything is somewhat easier with hindsight. Anyway, so good and kudos to you both for sharing so openly.

[@xlovur]

I just wanna say how glad I am the algorithm suggested your channel to me. I'm Autistic, and I find the way you speak about the Autistic experience just resonates so well with me. I tend to not watch alot of content about being Autistic these days, but the way you speak and relay information about ASD makes me feel really glad that people will be finding you, and having information delivered to them in a really kind, chill, informed way. so.... thank u for your excellent work!

[@taoist32]

I’ve always clashed with my parents all my life with no discernible reason. I am deaf now, but as a kid I could hear, so being deaf would not be the issue. I had many experiences just like Irene with the exception that I had more shutdowns instead of meltdowns. I would be quiet for hours, not saying anything to anyone. I had no real friends until college, and still friends with two of them. Both are most likely either ADHD or autistic like myself.

[@clivematthews95]

This was so profound, I am flummoxed ngl, as somebody who isn’t as familiar with any of the autistic mannerisms and difficulties and realities, I learned a lot and I’m thankful for your transparency 🙏🏾. This was such a beautiful, and difficult conversation. I’m glad you had it out as people who know each other and love each other, because it was at times very brutal and very confrontational, but ultimately and essentially was showing the truth and being as bare as possible. I’m really thankful, and I’m sure your relationship grew stronger as a result of honesty and understanding ❤

[@shelbytaylor25]

Thank you so much for sharing this, I think I’ll watch it with my mom to start a conversation about this exact thing. I could relate to each point, and I think she will to. We’ve had a surface level version of this where she said she just didn’t know what to do a lot of the time with me when I was young. Hopefully future generations can overcome this.

[@617Kedd]

This video was super helpful. I think it’d be easy for some to be judgmental towards your mother, but like you said, it’s not so black and white. I understood how you felt and all I could think about was how thankful I am to be autistic myself while raising my autistic child. We’re able to always meet in the middle with compassion, understanding, logic, and explanation. I think my autism allows me to see things much differently than a neurotypical parent would and will greatly have a positive effect on her upbringing. Im able to drop that “because I said so” pride. If she “sasses” me or is upset, I get it. If you choose to raise a child one day, there will be difficulties, but this will be your super power!

[@thethoughtspot222]

This gives me hope! And I look forward to be a parent one day as well and exhibit this sort of guidance and empathy. Thanks for sharing

[@rkivelover]

Despite your justified frustrations about your upbringing, I think your mum dealt with this talk very well considering her generation, her culture and the general understanding of parenting at the time. I know many parents who would have shown more of their hurt pride at having their child tell them what they did wrong, even years after leaving the house. It's really difficult to see the other side when something hurt you so deeply and was a cause for so many regrets, especially if you were a child who was forced to care for your parents and consider their feelings over your own. You are both very brave for having such a vulnerable and difficult conversation. Thank you for this

[@gameprogramme]

Irene, I love your content and thank you for posting this. It was very brave of both you and your mom to address these topics so directly and publicly. I can only begin to understand the hardships you experienced growing up. Thank you for giving us a window into your lived experience.

[@DeniseSkidmore]

My mother complained to everyone that would listen about my behavior but couldn't find any help. 80s and 90s smart kids didn't get these diagnoses.

[@EternalKernel]

Irene, this is amazing. Thank you so much from the very bottom of my heart. and Thank you too Irene's mom!!

[@Salmoninyourrice]

I have to have a lot of grace for my parents. I think the general lack of understanding about what exactly constitutes being autistic or having adhd makes it where people in general really don’t understand what it can look like. I wish my parents had known or made me feel like I was okay even if I was different or recognize that I needed help. But they only did what they knew. I commend you for the amount of grace and composure you show through your hurt. You are contributing to so much change.

[@blazi64]

Girl you are so strong for doing this and I want to say thank you so much for all your videos. I'm proud of you. It's really important to educate about these things and knowing there are more autistic women with parents that are not supportive is kind of a "relief" to me, not because it's something good but because I know I'm not alone. My mother is narcissistic too, she always makes everything about her and she just says I was crying all day when I was a child, NOW I realize those were meltdowns... She's always telling me I'm lazy, too dramatic, and all those harmful things. It's so sad to hear your mom say "of course" to the question "was I a hard child to raise?" as if she didn't 100% DECIDE to have you! Sending love xx.

[@caseyj1144]

This video is heartbreaking. I hope your mom chooses to educate herself on autism, she clearly cares about you and it might be a language barrier but some of the wording made me feel really tired as though I needed to explain myself to be accepted (even though it wasn’t about me, just too much empathy)

[@Meerkat_93_]

Thankyou to you both for this interview. It seems like your mum has a lot of remorse and guilt about not supporting you enough. I could feel your restrained anger and frustration throughout as well, which i relate to very much. Its hard to forgive isnt it. But we have to try.. something im working on at the moment. I appreciate you spreading awareness and clear messages to parents for all of us.

[@stefaniam.]

SO relate to what you shared here!!! I was the same way in school! Hated it! I still get really triggered when I feel like someone is telling me what to do. And I also need to know the why!. My detentions started in grade 1... I so get it!

[@claudiaochayon2730]

Thanks you for this video. Being an autistic mom of five and having experienced much of what you described myself I think that generation didn't have any clues to what we were experiencing. I blame the medical system for not educating mental health practitioners. The damage done to so many of us can never be measured but left us with severe challenges along with societal stigmas have left some of us pretty disabled 😢

[@EMVelez]

Your school behavior issues and constant questioning of hierarchies/authority figures and stupid rules was VERY relatable to me.

[@haniyyahn]

I thought this is an important conversation. I also have immigrant parents and I take into account that culturally my parents, like your Irene, assumed that children should be obedient to teachers no matter what. You are meant to do things because you are told to - things don't have to make sense to you. For my immigrant parents, respect was and is a huge concern and value so anything that smacked of disrespect would be a problem. Every interaction with my parents was framed as bounded by respect. We could not raise our voices when speaking to them, for example, even if we were angry or upset. And this wasn't peculiar to them. It was cultural and part of how you raise children in our culture. They also expected that what they set up for you is for your betterment, so even if you don't want to do it, it is necessary to nudge and even push that. As she said, your Mom thought you were a defiant child. Also, to be fair to your Mom regarding the discussion of your appearance at your brother's wedding, her explanation about it is logical - the social expectation that a wedding is a time when your family members may be judged for their appearance and conformity of appearance is expected. Unfortunately, she did not voice that as I think NTs expect those things to be intuited and assumed. However, even if she had explained I dont know if you would have accepted that as these aren't ND considerations. Consideration for social expectations isn't illogical though, since it often has real consequences when we don't respect them. It was how they were raised and was part of a larger philosophy that said that this is how order is created and replicated. We can critique this from the outside and see that this can squelch self expression and create lots of opportunities for abuse, etc. I am mindful though that they acted from their ingrained worldviews. I think it is also very hard for most people (NTs) to understand our uneven abilities. You asked your Mom if she thought you were logical. She said yes. You asked her why that didn't dispose her to seeing why you were saying No to something. However, you can think someone is logical and therefore intentional with their actions -- and therefore defiant or manipulative. Whereas your meltdowns were involuntary, a nervous system reaction to being overstimulated. That is the part that she did not understand. And because you were so logical and so smart it did not occur to her that you had a disability. As a parent, it isn't easy. It doesn't come with a handbook and we bring our experiences, culture and worldviews to it. Even being ND with ND children does not make it easier to parent (sometimes it is harder) or mean you are always or even most of the time doing the right things. A lot of times, one is learning as they go. I think now as well, Irene, you have developed a greater awareness of who you are that allows you to have a better understanding of what happened growing up. That retrospective awareness was of course not there for you in the past and definitely not available to your mother. I wonder if you have considered whether either of your parents is ND? Some of the behaviors you mentioned related to your father made me wonder about him. I know that I realize now that both of my parents are ND and for my father manifested in some toxic behaviors at home.

[@sandragee2864]

I think your thought about whether one of Irene’s parents is neurodivergent is an important point because I understand there is a genetic component to autism spectrum brain functions. I wish that being ND will someday be considered like hair color and the ability to tolerate sun exposure - like people with fair skin & red hair have to be super cautious about sunscreen & wearing sun protective clothing and darker haired people tolerate sun exposure for longer periods of time. And that having less ability to safely tolerate sun exposure isn’t a point of shame for the parents or for the person. I hope this makes sense.

[@CocoKitty19]

Hi, I was diagnosed like this week lol, at age 26 (and a cis woman Your mother seems sweet and I love her voice, she speaks super calmly. I'm very grateful that she agreed to talk with you (and us) about your upbringing, how hard it was for her and how you reflected on how difficult it was for you. It was very insightful and I appreciate it. Thank you

[@sunnyhanif7496]

I'm a mum, recently diagnosed with ADHD and self diagnosed. Still navigating through my own diagnosis whilst learning about my children's struggle who also show traits of ND. Having come from an abusive relationship myself i can feel overwhelmed with learning about Autism/ADHD and all the other responsibilities parenting come with. This podcast was super insightful. I truly empathise with both of your journeys and the struggles you've gone through.

[@Ivypidge]

Great video, as always I can see your mother struggles to word her thoughts when it comes to this subject and that this is a difficult topic for you two but it is something very important to discuss (when possible, of course) I was pretty lucky to have a mostly normal childhood, I only started to struggle from 5th grade onward. My mom didn’t understand why I struggled so much with socializing and judged me for slowly distancing myself from our family members. I was officially diagnosed a couple of months ago and she said it finally made sense for her. We don’t have the best relationship in the world (I struggle a lot with family relationships) but at least now we are both aware of my condition and can actually work to make things easier for both of us. I love your videos and wish you nothing but the best! I rarely say this but I don’t understand how you don’t have thousands and thousands of views per video, they’re all so great!

[@foxyfox9196]

This interview is such a cathartic fantasy for me ngl. My experience growing up semi diagnosed: My mom is multiply neurodivergent (ADHD/dyslexia/left handed) and grew up in special Ed. So even when I did get diagnosed she wanted to ignore it basically. In part because she didn't like special Ed or is prospects. But also cause she just hates autistic people and just wanted to break me down the same way she was forced to perform as right handed etc. (So yeah partly generational trauma she doesn't care to own up to) (at 14 and only because my dad got diagnosed and her therapist took note that everything my mom complains about me for is just autism. Being inappropriate, poor volume control, talking too much on certain subjects, being too literal, needing things explained more, meltdowns/shutdowns in already stressful situations etc). Once she had the word she had a list of autistic traits and an understanding that she just hates autistic people. And would try to punish or otherwise do away with anything autistic about me. Whether it's a favorite blanket I get sensory comfort from that has to be thrown out while I'm at school, or deciding disagrees must be washed right to left now since I've gotten too used to left to right. LITERALLY everything she could possibly relate to autism just to systemically torture me apparently. Then in adulthood it's all "that was a long time ago, get over it" and she still punishes me for being overwhelmed/melting down when I'm crisis (eg threw me out on the side of the road because I was highly triggered about her judging my inability to drive after she sent to me the psych ward for a suicide attempt in the wake of the abuse she hurled at me for hitting a trash can when backing out once. And ended up melting down about not being listened to when I was already having a mental health crisis). She's dying of heart failure and trying to paint me as evil cause I won't come in to help her or keep her company post divorce etc (beyond buying her a copy of I'm glad my mom's dead). But she won't ever put in even an ounce of effort to admit fault or even just acknowledge and validate my trauma. So I'm done with her and anyone else in my family that decides to just buy up her rhetoric against me

[@michellehipsher7507]

How wonderful to see you have such an open conversation with your mother, without either of you blowing up and being defensive. There is a lot of love here. I can see how your mom is just being honest about where she was at that time. And having you question her in a way that allows both of you to keep the conversation going. Our parents’ generation just didn’t know there were such things of diagnoses. If I was in her shoes at that point in time, I would’ve been so hard on myself, like, “Why am I such a bad mother? Why can’t I connect with my child?” But I don’t know if I would’ve even entertained a diagnosis to be the bridge to connect us. Our parents were very, “It is what it is.” And label us as bad, lazy children. Look at you two now, though-the communication and being open to seeing each other’s side is HUGE. Had you two done this a lot before the video? How did you get to this place? Time and maturity? That’s how it worked in my case. This was a very triggering conversation, but so helpful in more ways than I can count. I just found your channel, and I’m happy I did. Thanks to the both of you for sharing these experiences.

[@AMBanner]

This was triggering but healing and I wish I could have told my mom how much it hurt me to be locked alone in my room when I had meltdowns. Thanks for sharing this. My mom is still alive and I wonder if I’ll ever have the courage to have this sort of talk with her.

[@psychoticbunny6983]

Thank you Màmà for the interview. Me relate a lot with the "why" and the immigrant culture unacceptableness of died hair. As early as potty training i have been known to ask why and adults often said i talk to much... i talked and asked questions because i was trying to understand.

[@AndreaTang]

Appreciate the bravery of both you and your Mum in sitting before the camera and talking about such personal and difficult history. I really want to show this video to my own parents. I relate so much to what you’re saying as a Western Chinese woman on the spectrum, such as the cultural stigma of being ‘not normal’ and the difficulty in getting traditional Chinese parents to understand autism and how it relates to you. I’m the same way with how I always want to get to the point of issues, whereas my parents never can say anything directly. This is such an important video that gives insight into the difficulties experienced by autistic Chinese children growing up in a demanding and restrictive culture. Thank you both for making this video.

[@Alex-kj9rc]

Your mum seems like a really nice lady.

[@Bakuraliciouss]

I really admire this video and you're very strong for being able to do this. Around 21-25 mins in especially I see you're getting quite distressed (and you do mention you're getting triggered in the later half)-- arms folded, guarding yourself, taking a deep breath but not in an obvious or dramatic way, in order to calm yourself, your eyes started really darting around so you could carefully choose your words-- the way you handled everything was very admirable and strong. I also, as a late-diagnosed autistic adult woman (29, diagnosed at 27), struggle(d) with not doing things that didn't make sense to me. My mom also shamed me for a lot of physical appearance things because she feared judgment and standing out, but I kept doing me because her reasons didn't make any sense. I also questioned her like you did and she was also having that realization of never actually questioning that. It's interesting how little our parents practiced critical thinking, but it sadly just created very traumatized adults-- made even worse for autistic/neurodivergent adults. I am happy that your mom seemed relatively receptive to you/the conversation/learning as well as that can be difficult with people in their generation especially. Our generation has to deal with a lot of resentment and they just don't understand why because they were just ignorant.

[@lizhyink5636]

You were both right about the importance of more education in society for adults to help kids earlier, with more understanding, and peer support. ( As mentioned, each of you experienced isolation as both a neurodivergent child, and also a mother who was trying to fit into the culture around her, whether as in the Asian American community, and/or the different gender and social expectations in the US that was still less aware about neurodiversity at that time. Understanding continues to evolve.) This was a very courageous thing for both of you to address together. Thank you.

[@user-sk1un8wl7k]

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you! I needed you and your channel at such a pivotal moment in my life. It feels so good to know that you are not alone in your experiences and how neurodivergent experiences almost mirror each other. Being Asian American, your story resonates with me on so many levels. For me, the greatest challenge in life is discovering who I am. The second greatest is being happy with what I find, by changing the dialogue in my head, but also doing my best to ignore the dialogue around me. I haven’t been formally diagnosed for AuDHD, but through personal research (after severe burnout) and online screening tests, I have come to the conclusion that I most definitely am. I feel like most neurodivergent’s journeys haven’t been about becoming anything, but about unbecoming everything that really isn’t you. Unmasking to be who you are meant to be. Breaking free from society’s pressures, expectations, and conditioning. What was very difficult for me to accept after disclosing my self diagnosis to family is that they can’t believe that you came from the same place due to the stigmas they have surrounding autism. Even though autism is highly heritable. I started recalling family’s behavior that could have indicated that they were on the spectrum, such as “t-rex arms”, lisps, walking on tip toes even into adulthood (highly masked), or just the inability to regulate ones emotions (meltdowns). I’ve had to tell myself that they just don’t have the capacity to understand my struggles, but after watching some of your videos, I feel so much more confident in being able to verbalize them and my needs, so I am truly thankful.

[@vampsarecreeps]

My father is Filipino / Chinese and my mom is Chicana. I see so much of my own rage and pain here, not necessarily at my parents but at the world and all of the combined circumstances that meant no one saw me and could help me when I was a child. So much time hurting and screaming and suffering and being blamed as having poor character rather than getting me help. And knowing what I know now, even though you and I are both high masking, Irene I can literally see that you are Autistic as much as I can see that you have dark hair, that you’re Taiwanese. Maybe it’s the way birds recognize their own flock, or something? It’s in your facial expressions, your body language, the way I see you processing what you are hearing. Anyway, I see you. Thanks for helping us all be seen ❤️

[@TashaRansomArt]

Good job to both of you for going through this together. 💕

[@aliciapayne761]

Thank you for being so transparent this was really great to be able to relate to

[@haxe1313]

This is so great and informative

[@jrshaffer87]

I use one aspect of my divergence on my resume every time: I am an asker of why!

[@TheaLightweaver]

This was so helpful. Thank you for doing this.