The Biggest Mistake People Make About Relationship Security

[@annikabirgittanordlander6887]

”If you don’t want to put in the work of establishing security in your relationships consistently in each interaction with the other person, you are not actually committed to relationships. You are committed to using relationships for something else that you want”. Teal Swan. Thank you Teal 🌎

[@abbieyandle4986]

Thank you for helping me learn how to have healthier relationships, and release the need for the relationships that have not been healthy 💖

[@vickipratt1204]

This was the gold nugget for me as well. Thank you yet again Teal 😊😊 PS love the Aztec top on you 😊😊

[@franzabananza]

Right! People seem to not get that with relationships. They get it with work and making money sometimes being healthy. Relationships...nah

[@II-eb6mw]

Thisncomment should be pinned. I rewinded thin part to hear it again because it was so good. I recently found myself in a relationship that was always about what eas best for the other pwrson and my needs were never considered. Theirbexcuse was that because their life is always falling apart with problems that this excuses them to take me for granted all the time. I finally started looking out for my best interest and now I am seen like the bad guy for, so now we are estranged.

[@annikabirgittanordlander6887]

@@II-eb6mw 😘

[@resurgam75]

The timing, and themes within this video are pretty crazy for me. I know I've spent so many lives dealing with the repercussions of having assumed relationship security, abusing trust, and not treating love as something that always needs (mutual) care and consideration. I'll take this video as a sign that finally the penny has dropped for me, a costly lesson lol. Thank you 💜

[@xDannyDLx8]

Wish I learned more about healthy relationships sooner

[@sailyx3jupy]

I think the key point here is "Adam" is using relationships to achieve something else. It's not the relationship he actually wants. Narcissism at its finest. Glad I watched this through, Teal.

[@sahilingale3280]

That makes sense, my family is always confused why i dont socialize with them more, and the reason is that i perceive that they might not be supportive when i come out of the closet.

[@IVICA4876]

I truly believe that people need to be honest with themselves first and foremost prior to engaging in a relationship!

[@Perception_]

The biggest issue I see in any form of relationship is that most people still don't understand that if you want to impress someone you need to impress *_yourself._* That is what will give you something to share of yourself to whoever you are in relation to. In other words, stop trying to impress other people because that will push them away. If I want to be liked, I need to like myself first, and that is what others will see and is what will give them a reason to like me for(there's no guarantees in life so all one can do is hope). There's a big difference between trying to be liked by someone, than to focus on oneself and just simply building confidence(something to like oneself for). If we don't know who we are, trying to push ourself onto someone and indirectly forcing them to like us will always end bad. Lots of people will pretend though(which is really tragic) and others will just leave. It all boils down to that most people have too little knowledge of who they really are, and how can anyone share of him/herself without knowing his/her own true needs.

[@natalierose1072]

I love her pullover

[@Hay_Bay]

Damn this was divine timing

[@FrancisTrach]

Everything is relationships , our entire reality consists of relationships . The relationship of course begins our self , but WHO WE ARE is also defined by who we CONNECT with , and the qualify of our life AND the quality of the lives of the people around us definitely DEPEND on relationships . This doesn't mean co dependant and toxic relationships , but it does mean that we are a relational species , and that to be a successful human , and by successful I mean healthy in all areas of our life , where we feel Peaceful , have our needs met , honour ourselves , and others .. In order to achieve this , it requires that we master the RELATIONSHIPS in our life . This is the only way to truly master your life in all areas , is to master your RELATIONSHIPS . Great video Teal ! Thanks for being one of the people that inspires me to also help others on their path as well . Much Love 🙏 - Francis

[@lisakaufmann498]

I know a Judas who would like to hand you a rope.

[@jatbatman]

Relationship security is just like any other security. You have to do primary work to set up the infrastructure, but just having a lock, alarm, and cameras doesn't protect your house. If you don't activate the alarm, lock the door, monitor the cameras, and call the police if necessary when you leave the house, you are not securing your house. Likewise if you don't build trust, make it a point to never betray that trust, be available emotionally, and make the other person feel loved, you are not securing that relationship.

[@henrimilo1]

The best way to protect your house is to live in it, same for a relationship. And real threat always come from the inside. …

[@jatbatman]

@@henrimilo1 pretty much.

[@lisakaufmann498]

Is this Mother Mary Eddie Murphy?

[@lisakaufmann498]

LMAO (wolf-wolf!)

[@jatbatman]

@@lisakaufmann498 I have no idea who you are talking about. 🤷‍♂️

[@johncox2912]

We truly are in the emotional dark ages. This is the kind of stuff EVERYONE needs to learn. If all of learned HOW to have good relationships, there would be peace on earth.

[@onnol917]

There would still be violence and war. Just less of it

[@oimiu4741]

The issue is that the system is working against generating trust and security. One of the reasons we do not put as much time/energy is because many are: Burnout. So I do not blame people for not putting all that energy. After work you are so exhausted and not your best self. To then create mutual relationship and work on it is truly hard. We never spent less time with our family and partners than today

[@khrystynalyra]

I just listened to 20minutes and I already want to say that I always thought about you making short films of your real life or just examples on how to apply your teachings.

[@Makkaru112]

She used to do things like that. Might become a thing again in the future.

[@Foodloverxx]

Teal gives fairy /goddess energy and I'm here for it 🥰

[@TealSwanOfficial]

Incase You'd Rather Read About It Instead: tealswan.com/resources/articles/biggest-security-mistake/

[@goodhumourman]

Thanks Teal! I recently was forced into leaving a relationship that I wanted to stay in… I was willing to do what it takes to build that security but instead I just got totally rejected. Sadly I think I must have been in denial about some incompatibility, like you say trying to build a sandcastle in the water.

[@kelliel7022]

I have been in Adam's shoes and now I see better how I played a part in diminishing relationship security.

[@ashlee7831]

I was praying all night for some clarity and you come out with this. Thank you Teal. Your work is so important and relevant; please never stop.

[@kimslone5185]

Relationships are dynamic living entities

[@kamalavera888]

Thank you teal. As always my favourite spiritual teacher. These days and now after so many year I suddenly find myself laughing at your cute honesty, in maybe a more open heart way, I have deeper into a possibility management to mix and bring a new way of inner child work and I still love you, so beautiful to have your truth!

[@davidbigd9047]

I agree that you have to constantly work on your relationship security everyday by showing that person how much you mean to them which involves knowing each other’s love languages. Growing up, my whole family was distant and I’ve learned over the last 15yrs of never being in a relationship, that, you need to take the time to truly know the other person in depth and do things every day to make them feel loved and appreciated. Now, as I’m the man I’m supposed to be and know my values, goals and interests, I yearn to put into action what I’ve learned as I’m searching for my future wife to build a family with.

[@kingearth3672]

What if they dont do the same? I would still do it if they didn't but talk to them about why they dont interact with me but its up to them because freedom is love. If they like being non social then so be it but if they dont care about me then I might leave cause I want relationship based on luv

[@lightstream3]

This is sometimes something we need to feel not see. We can't keep blaming our friends, family, and associates for not contributing to our security. Do our best!

[@leonardc7651]

Just starting to watch this video. But wanted to say, I found you several years ago, enjoyed you, and then life took me elsewhere. Now I have found you again, and I'm so happy to see you. Much love.

[@karadiberlino]

Same

[@WithMunchkins]

I'm 43 and surprisingly naive. I recently was married, for the first time. I made a wrong choice. What you mentioned about people being together for a long time, false sense of security, and coping mechanisms - I suppose that may describe the relationship that my husband's parents have. I mistakenly took their long relationship as a token and proof of love, but it looks to have been codependency and manipulation, which seems what my husband understands as healthy, or normal, or what he now follows to be. I think that if I would have listened to your video before getting married, I would not have understood, would have gone over my head. But honestly, I wonder who really, honestly is happy in their relationship. Half of marriages end in divorce, and of the couples remaining married, how many are truly happy and in sync? Honestly? Well now I'm needing to figure out how to divorce and move on.

[@lisakaufmann498]

O, that is what regaining your power back is all about. What did we all learn from this? (answer: how not to give it space to begin with). Now, let's move on ....

[@bexybubbles5580]

I find myself relating to Adam in this example. I'm with someone who asks for my attention a lot. I'm a people pleaser & it hurts my heart to see my man feeling insecure so I'm always there for him & creating ripples of security. I make his needs a priority but I think one important point is there is a cost to putting so much effort into relationship security. Instead of following my joy & flowing with my soul I'm sucked down into dealing with his past trauma & the manifestations of his lower mind. I suppose it's up to us as individuals to find the line btwn relationship security & letting someone bulldoze over you. My spiritual guides nudged me to start asking for my individual time & space & not to be afraid to ask my partner for that time of self-love.

[@ElderTimes]

My GF broke it off several months ago and yer narrative reminded me of us/her. We were both overly codependent, and while the relationship was VERY loving and fulfilling, there were some gaps, and we both were far more focused on the others wants and needs vs. focusing on our own wants and needs. It was a pretty painful breakup for both of us, but I give her credit and respect for honoring herself and giving herself what she really wants. I urge you to do the same. I am far more comfortable putting other people’s needs ahead of my own, and that is learned behavior. IOW - why are other people’s feelings, wants and needs more important than my own? Or rather why do I choose that. In the end, it’s all about self love, and I am learning the hard way to love myself, and out myself first. Not an easy shift, but an important, dare I crucial tenet to true ‘fulfillment’. Who would I be if money didn’t matter, I knew I wouldn’t fail, and I was able to thrive without validation/approval seeking behavior AND independent of the the good/bad opinions of others. Regardless, I wish you nothing but success and happiness in all endeavors. Pretty sure that’s what your ‘true calling’ needs & wants.

[@karenjones782]

Deeply useful Thankyou x

[@stephanieannaolson6316]

This is exactly why my BF and I just broke up. Now I’m stumped with what he truly wanted to get from our relationship, because it wasn’t the relationship he truly wanted… he used it as a means toward a different want. So potent.

[@kamalsarraj-andaloussi5593]

The content kept cheering me up the entire duration of this wonderful wonderful presentation . I have highlighted big time « A whole section of its own to develop « the more sections to elaborate the more ways to discover about to be in love with the partner , « taking her to the tournament « what a way to excel in her presence, show of for her, and dedicate the experience all to her name », « even when not around », she has a very significant role, presence in defining how to act, behave and present one’s self to others so that when they perceive it is clear to them she has the most important role in my life .

[@lightstream3]

Yes, it takes two people making efforts to accomplish that security. If a personal goal becomes an opportunity for growth for one individual and not another it compromises the relationship in general...even if it's being supported. It's interesting to me when people choose relationship growth over personal growth. That can move mountains too.

[@lesliesantos8595]

Yup on personal growth. I never thought I'd be able to drive alone in traffic n sure I struggle but it I's growth for me...

[@Alquimikath]

Thanks Teal 🙏✨

[@ShaqleeToine10.02]

The video I needed to see...thank you Teal💕

[@walkialyon8507]

I will say this, the one thing I've learned watching other people is "don't force it". A true relationship is as effortless as fish swimming through water; some friction yes, but both are practical built for each other

[@amandaharris108]

It's pretty crazy that I stumbled upon your videos around 15 years old, and these still have so much value. Finding you and Alan watts is the best thing the internet could have done for me 😂

[@rsharma45]

your thoughts so true.

[@rhuwrong1135]

Thank you

[@coreymurphy8393]

This was a great and emotionally triggering video. I've been so committed to my path of meditation/personal development/enlightenment the past 4 years that I've basically put my relationships largely aside to work on myself. I found someone who I really love romantically and we have been together for a year now and I've come to the realization that my focus is too much on myself. I had to find a compromise within myself. My path is my first priority, so I had to really contemplate how I can make my relationships one with my path so that I'm not sacrificing my needs for others. It happens that I am naturally a very sensitive person and I have A LOT of emotional work to do on myself as I'm largely shut off and afraid to feel emotions and connection. So I think it's all perfect and I'm undergoing a shift from being so self-centred in my practice into finding a balance. My fear right now though is that as I do this emotional and relationship work, I might discover my boyfriend is the type to do the "one and done" approach where he provides that initial security and doesn't put in the effort. I am becoming more and more aware of how I justify others' actions for fear of being alone so I avoid truths that may or may not be there. I also really pray that if the worst case scenario IS the case, that I can somehow change or heal him into seeing the power and magic of where putting in honest and genuine effort every moment is absolutely awesome (considering I'm making the transition from one to the other myself). Thanks! 🧘❤️‍🔥

[@Bastet32]

Thank you so much Teal and everyone ..

[@nessakapllani259]

this video came in perfect time for me to send to my friend who has been continuously withdrawing and not recognising or meeting my needs

[@Nina_Kowsari]

Yay so excited for this :) Thanks Teal

[@cristinasayavedra5721]

I love the concrete examples!! hehehe

[@sidetracked2007]

Ouch. Awesome information. Thank you bunches!!

[@Morale_Booster]

Esther Perel is another amazing resource on this topic if anyone wants more info

[@kevthepoet]

Shockingly good timing 🙏🏾💜☯️

[@Morale_Booster]

I love your videos Teal, and it means a lot to me that you included some images of queer couples! 💝 Thanks for this one, I learned a lot.

[@jjhack3r]

I hate relationships so much.... my source of suffering comes from other people. Physical injuries hurts way less than the pain I’ve felt as a result of trusting people to not hurt me.

[@n3clar]

You need to change your believe system and do some reframing, if you start to have less expectations from people around you and make an effort to see people for who they truly are ( most of us humans are shitty people) ... and try to accept them as they are and work with what you have .. then your suffering will reduce

[@likavi1574]

Heal yourself first, suffering comes from inside you, other people are just triggers. Once you heal, you will not experience any pain from others. Namaste🙏

[@rob6053]

Stunning coat been watching you transform for years congrats

[@iamtheluciddreamofficial]

Every Video is a Gift 🎁

[@pattiepepper6217]

I love you, Teal. Thank you for making learning in this life easier to understand. So lucky to have you. 💕

[@diddiemcfly6584]

The Swan spoke again. ❤️

[@vibra1562]

Loved the bank account-analogy. Thanks Teal 💞

[@thegrayfortress8788]

Two of the reasons I've always resisted marriage are my birth parents who have both diswoned me. I knew I wanted a relationship nothing like theirs and I had no idea how to create such a relationship, never having had one. I am now, at 50 + having my own thoughts, feelings, ideas and experiences without their influence. Doing this has also cost me all other relationships, save one. I'm hopeful of the possibilities. .ALL BEGINS WITHIN. .N.O.I.S.O.K. Thank you, Teal

[@jewlzn7130]

Where the hell have you been for the past 49 years?

[@lisakaufmann498]

Beware of Jewlz. He may be here to pick up where Daddy left off, which leaves us under the squish of our mother's Diaper Pail. He will CONDEMN you back to square one and still call that luv. You'll rot

[@duskobartok794]

Very useful video. Thanks.

[@kinethecoach]

That exact example has been a thing we have been trying to figure out since we started dating. As my bf wants to go to his type of retreats all the time that aren't suitable for me atm. But we have found a solution that he initiated for it to be a winwin for me too. I'm happy about that!☀️ We listened to that part from the example and the rest of the video together now, and - now as I'm writing he had the inspiration to make the efforts to plan a holiday for the both of us for new years. ❤️ Thanks for enlightening the mutual and continuous effort and initiative to create relationship security! 👏🙌

[@carolsperry3393]

I felt like the intro was specifically for me. Thank you Teal!!

[@jaylee4life]

I've struggled with relationships not because I wanted to but because of the feeling and seeing that I wasn't accepted. I did what I felt was enough to fit in but I've always been an outsider and still am .

[@denel6]

Incredibly wise…

[@harlenjoyramoneda1199]

thank you teal

[@manalibrahim4683]

so true those were all mistakes

[@anacastro4203]

Imma need a lot more examples but thanks this is what’s going on in my relationship ❤ lob u teal 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@santinamarie4699]

I sure do love you so much teal. You unshakable love. And you do a wonderful job with focusing on the right words to describe what you're talking about. We need that thank you.

[@sofiajohansson46]

Excellent video Teal 🙏🏼❤️ Thank you 🥰🥰🥰

[@simonenicole0014]

Could you do a video next about when reactivity becomes abusive? It would be a great follow up to your recent videos💗

[@kristinasolen4053]

Sounds really good!! 🙂

[@Sheriddaan]

This was so good.. amazing break down.

[@alana1119]

I was having some doubts until about 16:15…. Real insight there 💕

[@pedrojorgepereiraeco4348]

Excelent reflection, thank you 🙏❤️😊

[@rozaSkroza]

*exactly. love you tealie 💜*

[@buildingemotionalintelligence]

Wonderful topic. I believe delving in to relationship security a bit more is important. We have to individually understand what relationship security actually means for us at the unconscious feeling level. If we do not have any clarity of our own relationship security needs then we can't expect the other to magically know what we are needing and magically know how to respond to satisfy that need. In that case it all becomes very ad hoc and hit and miss, generating anxieties instead of connection. If I can become clear on what my relationship security needs are, then I can make a request of the other of what I specifically need, in terms of actions/strategies, and give them the choice if they want to contribute to my needs (and chances are they will be happy to). If I am not clear on my relationship security needs, then I can't expect the other person to know them and be able to meet them. This of course works in both directions and hopefully both sides can find ways of meeting those needs, without putting unrealistic expectations on the other, i.e. caring for the others needs as well as your own.

[@willowwolf892]

Is there a time when someone should make you a priority while you're in a committed, romantic relationship? What if your partner seems to not put you first, and tells you he can't because he's lost himself in passed relationships before, and doesn't want that to happen again. Maybe I answered my own question here...

[@joniwink_i]

Great video as always! I do appreciate the explanation including a scenario of how it could go right. It’s insightful and really helps that ‘muscle’ to resolve what’s gone wrong.

[@sharonramsey715]

Great video, thank you Teal.

[@caly6527]

Teal. You goddess, thank you this was incredible

[@fadd2000]

Great video!

[@johnkalafatidis4054]

Love this content 👏

[@cicaizrogace8054]

Hvala za video.

[@sociallyinept5430]

First dates are important, but the subject matter is important. You stay with a girl because she looks good and you had fun, then you find out you not only had different goals, but you had different ideas about raising kids.

[@Ghunvanchit]

You are wise 💯

[@joyoliver6212]

People are too snotty to be nice to another who needs attention and empathy

[@angelinasamson6996]

Thank you ❤

[@nate411]

It might seem irrelevant at first, but I feel this is the way a polyamorous or open relationship can work, or even a monogamous relationship in which a person can be free to express how they like someone else in a platonic way or just like their looks. Sometimes we get jealous even when our partner is just hanging out a lot with their friends. We usually get angry if a parter does either things when we don't feel secure in our relationship. When we have the reassurance of our partner we don't feel insecurity when they show some interest on someone else.

[@Morale_Booster]

That's a great point. A good way to find out if your partner is emotionally mature is when you're feeling insecure, how much effort (if any) do they put towards reassuring you? Some partners I've had reveled in my jealousy and actually wanted to make me feel insecure. Not fun

[@lurple]

Yeah theres always a dude in comments on videos like these trying to use the information as a reason for "polygamy".

[@AlessandroPacifico]

10:45 I wouldn't consider acting upon childhood trauma to be someone's "nature". We should be self-reflected enough to notice external triggers as such and act appropriately, by examining the root cause instead of avoiding the trigger.

[@janetfondacci3070]

I love you Teal!!! 🙏

[@kimslone5185]

"One and done" sounds legalistic, mechanistic and factory -model.

[@rinagetsreal6189]

My only thought is... there are many people (usually women), who are incredibly insecure and it would take the other to erase all autonomy for the sake of their partner. This is where in that scenario, I think Adam would have to realize there's an INCOMPATIBILITY or have a conversation about getting couple's counseling and separate counseling for her to work through her issues. Unfortunately I think most will be too tired from bending over backwards to make their partner feel secure and just end it.

[@docked9953]

nice jumper!

[@tbroad72]

I'm Tracy right now 😭. Sad part is. All Tracy needs is reassurance in small actions from Adam. Adam just fails, most of the time to make her feel wanted and needed. 🤷

[@diroysama8558]

The idea that you can even have security at all in life is delusional. Anything can happen at any moment in life.

[@angelinasamson6996]

I’ve noticed so many men and women start creating subconscious patterns that seem to reflect there parents relationship

[@noana9365]

Like this!

[@alexpyre4045]

I hope they teach your curriculum in school some day

[@lavendertamagotchi]

Ooooo!

[@nejczupan]

Thats a nice sweater

[@kimspirit6510]

What if your father lacked making you secure. How to deal with him when you are an adult and also still want a bond?

[@cameliaturda6472]

... keep telling 💜

[@dek2000utube]

Teal, thank you. Would you define the distinction between needs and preferences?

[@amyallen3269]

Needs are essential to your mental and emotional well-being to the extent if your need isn’t met, you will not feel safe or loved and it can begin to degrade your mental emotional health. A preference is not essential to your mental emotional wellbeing but enhances it and leads to increased fulfillment in your relationship. And to speak in today’s terms, a preference isn’t a relationship dealbreaker- unless your preference turns into a need. Hope that helps.

[@dek2000utube]

@@amyallen3269 Thank you. Is that your definition or did you share Teal's definition?

[@ronaldmckeown8898]

Good video

[@torqputty]

Depends on the relationship - Adam attending the tennis tournament shouldn't have been a deal breaker unless the relationship was already rocky, and/or not secured in other areas.

[@isaiahacia2355]

I like your sweater.

[@angelinasamson6996]

Oh I’m extremely compatible with my partner , it’s actually strange how much we are alike ❤

[@lisakaufmann498]

Maybe the truth is you've got a vampire that doesn't like him ...

[@angelinasamson6996]

@@lisakaufmann498 we split up Lisa , the energy became toxic , it was all masked 💗

[@angelinasamson6996]

@@lisakaufmann498 I am intrigued though because I’ve never heard of that before

[@pocketfulofposey]

This is the reason why labels are so important to people. It’s assumed the label comes with security. I always thought the label or status change should come with “working on security”…but that’s not true either. Instead trust how secure you “feel”.

[@henrimilo1]

😊 🙏🏻 You could write marvellous screenplays and play in movies - a lot of beauty shared here. I’d like to add, that it is very important to differentiate relationship we have with people from the people themselves. The relationship with someone is a common construction, it is was we can judge, evaluate, contribute to, make live or die- people should remain normally untouchable. Immature people confuse both concepts : other and relationship with other…

[@Frenzino1]

I do think you should maintain relationship security.