TEDxSanAntonio - Alicia Maples - Recognizing Glass Children

Speaker: Alicia Maples
About this talk: Having lost one brother to the world of autism and another to a terminal illness, Alicia Maples never knew a normal childhood. Expected to always put on a brave face, Alicia played the role of good girl on the outside. One the inside, however, she was dying. In this heart-wrenching talk, Alicia tells parents of children with special needs - and their surrounding community - to stop looking through the siblings of children with special needs.
About Alicia Maples: Alicia Meneses Maples is an entrepreneur and small business consultant at Brilliant SMB.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
Video Opener by Rod Guajardo foursandyfeet.com. Music: MUSICXXX Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons "Attribution 3.0.

[@krfl9871]

I wonder how many of us 'glass children' have also grown up with disabilities that our 'glassness' covers up? Particularly relevant for those of us who are neurodivergent.

[@eadanime1741]

Agreed, especially if the sibling (like my brother who was very similar to the speakers brother, and myself being mild on the spectrum

[@Jewlelil]

I’m a glass child with an autoimmune disease dx at 21 and depression/anxiety dx at 29

[@KittyMax97]

Yep, I was diagnosed with adhd when I was six. I was the "good child" except I was failing in school and my special needs sister was doing great. So I was always told to try harder, never praises for anything. Just be better.

[@daiseuets]

I have, but it flew under the radar until it was too late. I have selective mutism. As a child I never spoke a word to anyone but my family and one friend at school. I'm in high school now, and I AM better, I CAN talk to teacher if I need to. But I have social anxiety, and no friends because of that. I also have general anxiety. I'm afraid of not being perfect. I can't get behind the wheel of a car without shaking, even though I know I can drive. I might have some sort of OCD at this point, I have very strange habits to regulate late to make it less overwhelming.

[@carlygalbraith4592]

So many. So many...

[@biancaharper2530]

I still can't watch this Ted talk without busting into tears. This really hits home for me. Thank you for sharing.

[@judimonroe4300]

Me too... you are a Pillar of Strength; and I value your feelings, go ahead and cry it's heals the soul

[@redswan40]

I never cry and I bawled like a baby listening to this in the car driving home from work tonight. I’ve never heard a better description of my childhood and subsequent coping problems in adulthood. Thank you for sharing your story Alicia.

[@DonutsandDownDog]

Same here, it's so intense/soothing to hear somebody describe this very particular experience, you know?

[@vidyashastry6335]

It took me several minutes to get past the 5 minute mark - I was crying; I was a glass child and made the same mistake with my own daughter. Her brother, my older child took all our attention as parents and this girl ran amok to get my attention and all I did was reprimand her. Luckily I did many many things to show both my kids how much I loved them even when their dad fled at crucial times. Today after 35 years of struggle, my son assures me, mom you did well. And my daughter sent me this link.

[@leah986]

I just cried way harder than I’ve cried in probably years

[@newmexico8746]

My parents always told me I was too sensitive and making things worse by talking about my sister...it means the world to know other people have gone through this and are okay admitting how hard it was

[@AnnaBreit]

I hear you! I really do.

[@daiseuets]

It really does. I've never met a single person in my life who has gone through this same thing.

[@SToUpiTGuUUyS]

The “your being to sensitive” is so accurate, anytime you try and bring up a discussion it gets shut down by being told to “be positive” or “don’t talk about it or you will make it worse” so much you internalize it

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

You're not alone. There is a 🌎of us here who understand each other. PS - I see you. 🫶

[@kimmarie3699]

I am a 51 year old glass child who just severed ties with my parents and sister. My sister is bipolar and has borderline personality disorder. My parents are trying to save her from her erratic behavior and feel responsible for her well-being. As a result, I guess you can imagine that in the process, I am neglected, abandoned and ignored. When I try to bring it up, I just get “your sister is sick and needs us.” It’s helpful to know that I am not alone in this.

[@J0kesOnYou]

Everytime I asked my mum why my autistic brother behaves the way he does and gets away with it, she simply asked "would you like to swap roles with him?!" ....no. I NEVER wanted to be in his situation, I just wanted to UNDERSTAND...but instead I got silenced by that

[@daiseuets]

This is exactly what I was told. Constant guilt-tripping from my parents. It's a difficult situation. People feel that, due to morals, glass children do not have the right to be angry with their autistic sibling because the autistic sibling cannot help it. But we can't help how we feel either, and no therapist or parent can seem to understand that. My parents both lived decently hard lives and were both adopted for different reasons. They try to compare their lives to mine to show how easy I have it. My grandmother is the only one who seemed to understand me but I haven't seen her face to face in years now, and I know she's not going to be here for me for long.

[@J0kesOnYou]

@@daiseuets I feel you...and I see you. My brother is 2 years older than me, so I don't know what it's like without a special needs sibling, but the world wants us to understand and care and we must remember that we're not perfect either and especially as children it's difficult to understand everything that's going on with our sibling...I want you to know that you're strong, regardless what your parents say how "easy" your life is. It is not and you can be proud to have dealt with that and still be here. We shouldn't feel guilty for being human and no superheroes...

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

What an unsupportive response from the person who was supposed to be taking care of you, helping you develop and grow. I'm so sorry she didn't get you and didn't see you. PS - I see you. 🫶

[@isaschneider7876]

I wish more people knew about this. I am a glass child, my little sister has a rare genetic disorder that can land her in the hospital if she even gets a bad cold. I spend a lot of my time by myself, it always felt like she was more important or of higher value. We would have to cancel trips and special events and even my personal events such as concerts, auditions, etc.. I remember her always being the center of attention, in and out of hospitals and doctors appointments and therapy and everything. She would always get gifts and everything she wanted, when I would just get a “you’re so independent!...you’re so brave and strong!...you’re the best big sister ever!..”. I always felt like a bother or a burden, so I would just stay in the sidelines. Just watching and helping and doing whatever I could to help them. I wouldn’t ask for gifts even if I felt like I deserved them or wanted them because I didn’t want to cost them money that they had to spend on prescriptions and equipment and everything. I wouldn’t ask for help on homework or with a test, I wouldn’t ask for advice or the definition of Ockham Razor or the science presentation that’s due tomorrow. To this day I still feel like a glass child. I’m getting better, but I still struggle with it. I still love my parents and my sister but there’s still a part of me that hates them and feels forgotten. I hope this helps someone. ❤️❤️❤️

[@Above_Parr]

I am the sibling with disabilities among my 2 other siblings & I’m 23 now and I’ve never heard the term glass children before today. I’ve never really given much thought to how it effects my other siblings but I’m glad I’m aware now. Thank you for sharing because new perspectives are never a bad thing. I hope things have gotten better

[@buyop9441]

Thank you for sharing this.

[@ceoofcurls]

Zoe, I’m thinking of you. Sending your inner child my love and regard.

[@torshachowdhury3560]

Relatable 🫂

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

Your feelings are normal, especially for the glass child experience. I hope you have received some help and are doing better since you posted this 5 years ago. Bless you. I see you. 🫶

[@ThatLaurenThing]

Oh jeez. I’m a glass child and I’ve been to therapy and thought a lot about it over the years (I’m 25 now). But this video made me realize something. When I was maybe 10 my parents went to a camp for disabled kids with my sister, and they sent me to my favorite aunts house for a week. I had SO much fun, and my memories from that week are some of my favorite childhood memories. Until this video I didn’t realize that it was because it was one of the first times I got to hang out with a family that was “normal” for a week. Now that I think about it, most of my favorite childhood memories were of activities that let me leave my family. Oof.

[@313Mulan]

As a glass child with childhood trauma, neglect, and ptsd, I felt guilty even watching this 😔.

[@Notorious-AP]

Resonate with you. My heart goes out to you, we will get through this

[@KD-vw3bv]

Prayers Mulan ❤

[@313Mulan]

@KD123 thank you 🙏💜

[@313Mulan]

@@Notorious-AP we are strong 💪 ❤️ 🙏

[@PixelML]

I swear, when I heard about this Ted x and go for it, this thought immediately came "if my family knew...what a shame, I don't have problems" Wish you the best

[@onlyshayy]

Im a glass child. On hearing her case i swear i was bewildered, not one but two special need siblings? She's one of the most strongest people i have come across. My brother is similar to hers, he has behaviour and speech developing issues and is extremely violent. I dont usually go around telling people about it either. I've always observed people and their siblings and made up lies so that people wont look at him differently. Not that im embarrassed of him, i just want a quick recovery from his end. All of us glass children will make it through all this, stay strong.

[@smkdhorselover]

The first time I watched this I started crying so hard I had to walk away and finish it later. My brother is autistic (among other health problems). I do not want to come off like "look at how horrible my life was", but my family went through many of the same issues in our rural, isolated community. Because of gossiping, my parents forbade me to talk about my brother outside of home for our own privacy, but now that I am an adult, I see that it is better to spread the word. Thank you, Alicia.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

Yes. 100 times yes! And your experience is not uncommon. There is a lot of shame associated with talking about what happens at home. I hope you've shared this and your story since you posted this 10 years ago. I see you. 🫶

[@escape4603]

Glass child- the feeling like you don’t deserve any respect, thinking that people act to yourself like a ghost, the feeling that no one is understand you in any way. The feeling that you will never archive something even if you believe you are. The main feeling is that people are not believe in you and the world is letting you down.

[@escape4603]

But we are **all** glass children, glass adults, we are so emotional. Everyone feel empty inside.

[@nopost990]

this is probably the most relatable thing i've ever heard.

[@DesertRose76]

It sucks to be a glass child. I am 43 going on 44 yrs old, and I've lived thru this for 36 years. My parents are in their mid to late 70s now, still taking care of my "special" brother. By the way, this term "special" has always gotten on my nerves. After hearing my brother was "special" all these years, I came to resent him and my parents. I was an only child for almost 8 years, and I received all the love and attention. After he was born, they turned all their attention to him. They became, like Alicia said, consumed with him. They started looking thru me. Man, I am crying as I write this. I need to write a book. I battled with guilty feelings for so many years, guilty for feeling this resentment and emotional neglect towards my parents. I wish I had the money to pay a therapist to deal with these feelings. I ended up moving away from my parents almost 20 years ago, 5000 miles away, because I coupd no longer deal with the chaos anymore. My parents never understood why I moved. I just wish all parents of "special" kids with other normal kids could watch this wonderful video and understand us glass children.

[@Qandoluk]

I have three toddlers bone is autistic what advice can you give me for my two glass daughters ?

[@torshachowdhury3560]

@@Qandoluk just don't neglect them and say that their sibling has worse... being a glass child is something that cannot be expressed but mostly experienced. If there is a lot of violence at your home do talk to your other two daughters about it. Send them for counselling if you can... and don't expect them to be the "perfect" child because being perfect is something that is so difficult to be growing up in such environment. Send them for extra Curicurlas outside. ~ another glass child :)

[@sameenfatima143]

Same with me. I was the only child for six n a half years. Then it all changed with my brothers birth. All the attention was shifted on him. Uptil now. Evrything is abt him

[@user-xs9ct8rh5p]

@@Qandoluk Spend time with them MINUS the disabled one. Kids just want to be "normal" and like everyone else. Allow them this. Let "it" be about them once in awhile. Do not drag the disabled child to their activities. Allow them to forget once in awhile what their home life is like. Thank you for asking.

[@courtnie.carlisle08]

I am a glass child, my twin sister is severely autistic and is paralyzed in her legs and was born with water in her brain, she would hit and scream for hours, her favorite stuff to eat was Cheetos and milk so I couldn’t eat any. This really resonated with me because I didn’t know there was a term for it, I’m now a caretaker of myself and can’t accept comfort because ive only known how to comfort myself

[@daiseuets]

The last sentence made me realize why I've always denied the help of therapists. They don't seem to understand nor help anyways. I've just learned over time that no one can help and have internalized it.

[@courtnie.carlisle08]

@@daiseuets That’s the same for me aswell. I hope we can find help through others eventually. You’re so strong

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I was trained so well to suppress my emotions that I didn't even recognize I was in an abusive relationship while it was happening. But eventually I got help and I hope you do too. You deserve to be seen and to be cared for by others. It is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I see you. 🫶

[@helendeandrade3461]

I've always refered to children like me as "invisible children". I didn't know the term "glass child" until today. It is important that parents know about this situation... Although I doubt most of them will want to have to worry about one more child. "I already have one child to worry about" is probably what I heard most frequently from my mother. Thank you for this talk. You make us less invisible, at least to the world. At least other relatives may step in and help.

[@wayneblackburn5858]

same i used the term invisable now glass child syndrom is spot on and some one needs 2 step up if the parents cant ...or wont

[@user-xs9ct8rh5p]

I am a glass child with a much older, violent and aggressive, adopted older brother. My parents never even asked me if I was ok. I was raised to believe it was MY job to take care of my poor disabled brother, who "couldn't help it". Please to anyone reading this, the glass children matter too. My parents spent their entire lives dealing with him and all of his problems and now that they are gone, he blames my parents for his failures with no appreciation for anything they (or I) have done for him. He's now in a nursing home, terrorizing those poor people who are forced to care for him. But he has a roof over his head, food, medical care, and people caring for him 24/7. All thanks to my parents and myself with our financial planning. In our family, he was all that mattered. Sad but true.

[@Refinersfire1971]

You matter ❤

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I'm so sorry for your situation. You are not alone. You matter and I see you. 🫶

[@catchmeifyoucan1095]

I’ve never felt seen or heard in my 20 years until now 🥺😭😭😭

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I see you. 🫶

[@OFFICIALDJFLASHBACK]

13:59 hit home the hardest. I'm a "glass child", the oldest of three, my younger brother was born with Down Syndrome. When I was seven I remember the hip surgeries my brother had to go through and the constant back and forth between being dropped off at my cousin's house or with grandma. One of those times, I was picked up by my Dad. I remember the car ride down to the hospital, but that day was different. The sun shone different, the music on the radio was just right, the food we had tasted better and that's one of the moments where I was finally at peace. I'm sure my Dad didn't think much of it, but now that I'm 30 and go back to that moment, I realized the reason why I remember that day so vividly and it was because it was when I truly had that moment at peace with my Dad and I was happy. I wish I could go back to that moment, but I keep that in my memory now to remind me that there are happy moments in life and there is hope for glass children.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I see you. 🫶

[@ShelleyCook]

I am also an adult glass child, and I had the chance to watch Alicia deliver this talk live at TedX San Antonio. Alicia's talk has given me a fresh perspective on many things I went through as a child that I carry around like a martyr bellhop hauling some serious emotional baggage. If you had shown this to me 10 years ago, I didn't have the ability to see it as clearly. Now I'm pursuing counseling and learning how to stand on my own and let emotions out instead of protecting people from them.

[@freddie_nyx2676]

I remember my brother (ASD) hitting me in the temple, and I blacked out and hit the floor. I was told, "You know that's how he is." I was an honor roll student, but I wrote my first suicide note at 10. It was compounded by my mom being severely disabled, and she passed away 2.5 years ago. I could say SO MUCH more, but this speaks to me SO MUCH.

[@Retrosenescent]

I relate a lot to this as a middle child with 2 neurodivergent siblings. I was the perfect golden child too. I never really thought if that ever negatively affected me. I just figured I had it way better than most people since my parents never divorced.

[@tnew3344]

I am the twin sibling of a fully disabled immobile and nonverbal child. So many things fell into place once I watched this video

[@Dezzy1539]

I am still struggling with this trauma and insecurity of not feeling seen and heard. You would think even through therapy and I’m well into adulthood that I have put those feelings away but my parents still do this actively. So it’s not easy to “get over it”

[@ingazurbrugg9478]

I am a glass child, started crying 5 minutes into the video. Thank you for this. It's good to know that I'm not the only one

[@Melissa-eo4zu]

I am 50. I tried a few times over the years to bring up my feelings. This never went well. Passive aggressive guilt victimization and martyrdom blow back ensued. Not only was I isolated at home but we moved continuously, usually every 1-2 years placing me in a new social and environmental situation. These moves were to benefit my brother, never thinking of or listening to my needs. I finally pushed the subject this past Christmas. This resulted in my Mother childishly freaking out, barricading herself in the guest room, a hunger strike and demanding a divorce from my Dad because she was such a horrible mother and grandmother. They left and flew home on Dec 21, costing them an extra $6000 to break their travel plans, essentially ruining our entire Christmas. I refused to apologize for my feelings. If history shows anything I don’t think I will see them again. Last time I got brave enough to say anything it took 2 years to reconnect and only then because my husband and I adopted and they relaxed enough to be grandparents. I know my parents had it rough. They never had support…I was their support system. I adopted two children with a history of physical, addiction and mental health concerns. They were unable to help my husband and I navigate being parents because their thought process was that they had it harder in the 70s because, at least, we had programs, teacher assistants, medications and service workers to help us. I finally stood up for myself and ruined my relationship with my parents. The guilt continues…

[@rozenii1]

I have a younger brother with autism, i've been told that i have to work hard to be succeful to provide a comfortable life for my brother. But i don't have the best grades or behaviour. I tend to be angry and stubborn alot and the only thing i have is that i can draw decently. I envy my brother sometimes, whenever he makes a mistake they'd comfort and assure him but for me it'd be "Your brother is trying his best and here you are" "You don't have anything wrong with you so why are you making this so difficult" I feel like a burden to them because i'm not helping at all. I envy the way they spoke so gently with him and how they didn't have to shout at his face. My mom stresses alot when teaching my brother with his studies. It's hard finding schools here that are capable of teaching autistic children. So my mom took it upon her own hands to teach him. After every lesson i can see that she gets sort of angry and frustrated. So i don't interact with her until after she calms down abit because when i ask something or when i do something wrong she just takes it out on me. Sometimes i get scared of the thought that they'd kill themselves over something i've done. I don't want them to hate me but it just feels like our relationship isn't casual and affectionate like other parents and kids have. I don't know what to do

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

Our relationship with our parents is usually very different than most of our friends. The best thing you can do is find help, find a teacher, a counselor, someone who can help you process what you're going through. I see you. 🫶

[@just_go_with_it]

For once in my life I actually fell valuable for my feelings.

[@badgerandbee7769]

I am 52 years old and just now learned this term "glass children." My youngest sibling was born and diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when I was 11. From 11 years old on, I no longer existed to my mother. My brother and I asked for a dog repeatedly - when exasperated my dad said to us, "you can't have a dog, do you want your sister to die?" and then once we were both moved out of the house my sister got a dog. While the dog example is a glaring example, my teenage years were riddled with the comments Alicia describes - always being lectured to "be good" so you don't take away from your sister's care or create more problems for your parents. I am still exploring my childhood and the impact it has had on my life and I know that any changes are my responsibility. But the other thing I took away from this TED talk is that I need to go find a glass child and give them what I did not have. I'm going to do just that. Thank you, Alicia, for the reminder to be the wind.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I love this post. I see you. 🫶

[@shootdj]

For the 1st time in my life I actually feel represented fully

[@emmale21]

dear alicia, thank you for sharing your story. I cried instantly after the first three minutes. I myself am also a glass child and have two siblings with special needs. I always thought that I was alone with my feelings and no one understands me, but I could agree with you on everything you said, because I experienced and felt the same. This means the world to me (even tough I would not have the courage to show the video to my family) but it helps me personally very much. I love my siblings and my parents more than anything, and yet I have traumas; I always think I'm not being listened to; my opinion doesn't matter, I put others before myself and much more. Thank you for your video and I hope that many people see it!! to all glass children: you are not alone

[@vjcorbs3950]

Thanks for this talk , I never knew I was a "glass child" until now and it reminds me so much of my childhood . I have a ds sibling who I love dearly but I'd like you to have touched on the hidden guilt and shame experienced by the glass child. Maybe another ted talk?

[@Genizara_85]

I had a sibling with severe behavioral issues. My parents tried but it was and is always about her. I was the good girl until i ran away at 18 and got married to get away.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I see you. 🫶

[@Genizara_85]

@@aliciamenesesmaples 🫶🫶🫶🫶

[@kristinerolingher6385]

When she talked about the destruction, I froze. We used to call my brothers bedroom (although the damage spread far beyond- it was just the epicenter) “little Beriut” because it resembled a war zone. I didn’t realize at the time what a metaphor that was for my whole childhood. I so want to meet people like Alicia so we can share and maybe then let go a little.

[@ismerieroos3105]

This really hits home for me, today I found the term ‘glass child’ and I didn’t know there was a name for that and never really thought about people going through similar experiences as me. I’m 20 now, still living at home with my sister who’s now 17 with a lot of mental disabilities that no one knows really what it is that she has. She screams all the time and gets very violent when things don’t go her way and she has the thought process of a 6 year old. my parents are trying to find a guided home for her but there’s not a single place in my country that is able to handle her. Due to all this my mom is depressed and most of the time takes her anger out on me and blames me for even the smallest things. My dad and I have a better bond but he’s always working because he has his own business. So here I am still living at home, wishing I could live somewhere else for as long as I can remember, and I’m so lost.. I don’t know who I am or who I wanna be or what I want to do. Ive tried to talk to my parents multiple times but when I speak my feelings they invalidate them by telling me that they have it much worse and that I shouldn’t be so jealous of my sister, I’m not jealous of her… I just wished I could have a bit more of my parents attention and guidance. There’s not much things I like to do other than smoking and forgetting about all of it.

[@daiseuets]

I want to move out of my house as soon as I turn 18 but I know it's not realistic. I'm 16 and have no clue what I want to be or do. I can't imagine what the future will be like when my disabled autistic brother who is currently 13, gets any older. He's just like your sister. Thought process of a six year old, although that may even be too old to compare. He can't write his name, do basic math, can't follow simple instruction, can't carry out a normal conversation, and he repeats phrases and questions over and over, often yelling and screaming them. My parents adopted my disabled brother. They would never give him to a guided home. I don't know what they to do with him when they become too old or die.

[@user-xs9ct8rh5p]

@@daiseuets Go AWAY to college. You can get financial aid and loans if needed. It will get you out of the house and living a life on your own, minus your brother. You deserve to have your own life and I'm sorry your parents don't have the energy to focus more time and attention on you as you deserve it too. Focus on securing your own future. Hugs to you.

[@sharonchilds-purcell9341]

You need to get out of that very toxic situation while you all still love each other. Your parents need to take care of responsibility, and that means all children, not just one and you are not the parent of your sister. They are guilt tripping you and if they think you are jealous they need to go out of their way not to do things in a way that will cause jealousy. They don't seem to care how this affects you and you should go. Yes you love them but this is a toxic situation

[@EJulia33]

I know this is a year-old post, but I have an older brother that is special needs and violent. He lives in an apartment with another man who is special needs. He has a waiver that provides for his care through our local county board for people with special needs. My mom also takes care of her niece in my mom’s home. She is also special needs and a little higher functioning than my brother who has the capacity of about age 5. My mother tried to guilt me for years saying she would disown me completely if I didn’t take over guardianship for both of them. The county board I mentioned earlier that takes care of “waivers” for people with needs, only cares about that money and has bullied families with family special needs in our county including my mother denying them services and threatening to take them to criminal court if the special needs person falls and gets a bruise. They want the person with special needs to be moved into apartments with other special needs people so the board can control their waivers. Waivers are money allotted by the state for special needs people for their careo. I grew up seeing this abuse by the board and did not want to go through the same treatment as my mother from them. I found out that I don’t have to be the guardian and I can refuse when my mother either gets sick or dies. The state then has to appoint a lawyer and that lawyer serves as the person’s guardian. The lawyer then is responsible for finding them care meaning a place to live and take care of their needs. I was told this by a lawyer in the county I live in. Oh, and I found out I have a right as a sibling and family member to visit my brother and cousin even though I would not be their guardian. If I was blocked in any way, I can go either get a lawyer or ask a judge to give me visitation rights. You are so young to be feeling this way and worrying about these things when you should be doing kid things and just living your life. If I were you when you are a bit older, I would talk to a lawyer and see what things are like in your area. I wish you the very best and hope you can concentrate on your future. You can have a bright future and if I were you, I would try to focus on that.

[@ismerieroos3105]

@@EJulia33thank you so much for sharing your story the way things are handled there seems so difficult, it is so so good you are standing up for yourself and making decisions that are best for you. I’m actually doing better now, my parents finally found a group for my sister to live. We live in the Netherlands and she now lives in this kind of village where there are people with all sorts of disability’s and she’s guided well there. We are so so happy that there was finally a spot available for her. She still attacks a lot of her supervisors and one even quit because my sister hit her so hard she got a concussion.. but she’s learning I guess and they won’t give up on her. Due to her living there now (we visit almost every other weekend) the relationship between me and my mother has improved so much, we even went out to lunch today! I am so grateful that my sister and our family got this opportunity and we keep building our relationships. Me and my boyfriend are trying to find a home for ourselves which is very hard in this housing market but we will get there! Again thank you for sharing your story, it means a lot to me. I wish you the very best in life and I hope everything works out!

[@harrymason8283]

This is by far the best TEDx Talk I've seen. Thank you for sharing your story. Your imagery and descriptions bear such great power.

[@Pastelpinkplz]

parents who take proper care of the glass child r so rare

[@joannethomson9667]

First time hearing this term 'glass child'. I visit my parents and sister once a month or so. We live about an hour apart. And I always cry when I return to my life. I have so much guilt about being healthy and having my independent life. It never feels appropriate to share my accomplishments. And sometimes it feels... there's not much emotional investment by my parents when it comes to my feelings and interests. And I feel selfish for saying so. I have nothing but guilt and self hate. For being alive.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

One of the most difficult things we have to do as glass children is determine what is true and what is false. For example, for some of us, we were raised to believe that we are less valuable than others, that our feelings and emotions didn't matter, that we were to accept physical/psychological abuse from our siblings because "they can't help it," that we were selfish for wanting to be noticed. All of those belief systems are FALSE. You are a gift. God made you like no one else on Earth. And while I can't take your hurt away, I can tell you that you have a purpose and it's more than taking care of your sibling. Your purpose is to live. I see you. 🫶

[@joannethomson9667]

Thank you Alicia ❤

[@dabadabadooba]

I cried so hard during this. I have never known that the term glass child was a thing or thought about how other children might have experienced similar things to me growing up.

[@loudloveen]

Parents should spend time and give attention to all children. Obviously in cases where one is a special needs child parents can't spend equal amounts of time with all children, but they must spend some time anyway.

[@sethdias6889]

Wow this really made me put together my childhood trauma. I also once wanted to kill myself and tried when I was about 16. I never knew why I felt that way, there was no clear answer but now I realize I wanted to end my life because of how invisible I was to others especially my family. And all the emotions that come with being neglected and watching your parents focus on someone else my whole life just were bottled up and finally exploded in that moment. What’s crazy though is that my parents never knew that I almost committed suicide until I told them months later…

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

You don't need to make yourself smaller or hide your feelings. You have the right to express and feel as much as anyone else. I hope your parents responded to you in a supportive way when you told them. You are a gift to the 🌎. God loves you. Don't give up. I see you. 🫶

[@gmbmarketingsolutions2448]

Fantastic video Alicia. Thanks so much for sharing your experience and bringing more awareness to Glass Children!

[@Anne-uc2hv]

i honestly do not know what to say. I, like many in this comment section, am a glass child. My brother got severely sick with Perthes disease when I was nine. I was the one, who took all the slack. I was the one trying to put on a brave face when my parents couldn't. I had to be okay with moving to my grandparents when he needed surgery. When I was crying, my parents reacted by telling me to stop being selfish as I wasn't the one unable to walk. They did not react this way because they were bad parents, but because they were feeling incredibly overwhelmed, they grieved, and lost their "normal". To this day though, I still have a tendency to suffer from imposter syndrome, as I find it hard to accept that my struggles matter just as much as everyone else's. Even though my brother's disease is quite different than the autism of Alicia's brother and my brother ended up making a full recovery, I experienced the same emotions, guilt, grief, anger, sadness, and sense of worthlessness as she did. I also felt passive suicidal thoughts. Never ever would I have hurt myself, as I did not want to cause more trouble, but I did go through some rough patches. I related so much with Alicias stories about her interactions with other adults in her life. I remember being called "brave", "strong", and "grown up", but feeling powerless, helpless, overwhelmed, anxious, tired, lonely, over-looked, and guilty, as my situation was never as bad as my brother's. Luckily, I overcame these feelings. Luckily, I was able to stay strong, even though I was never meant to be this strong in the first place. Today, I am grown up and I was able to distance myself and heal. I want everyone currently fighting a battle like this, everyone who feels overlooked or see-through or invisible, and everyone who is always second priority to know that things get better. There will be a day, where you are able to distance yourself. You can learn to focus on yourself. Eventually, you'll be able to discover your own strengths and hobbies which is so fun. That does not mean you do not love your parents or siblings. It just means you are growing up and finding your own path, in an independent way. In case no one told you today, I want you to know that I am so proud of you and I see you and the strength your showing. Allow yourself to cry, but also to laugh and do things for yourself, it is just as important as caring for a loved-one

[@projectacuhope]

No one has time to talk to the healthy child. They just grow up and hire therapists.

[@TicePatricia]

There may be a significant difference between the experiences of glass children based on the disability of the sibling. Brian Sotko identifies several positive traits that siblings of kids with DS gain, but I have frequently seen issues with everyone in the family of an autistic child. The path you have walked has been undeniably difficult, but may not be the case with all siblings. Autism is so isolating and emotionally demanding, it's not hard to see how their siblings will be adversely affected.

[@Ghostie03]

You also have to keep in mind not all siblings of disabled people are glass children, The term mainly refers to the children that were emotionally, mentally or physically neglected in some form by their guardian. Thankfully not everyone experiences that, and some also aren't as effected by it and may not identify with the feeling of being a glass child

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

You are 💯 correct. There is a spectrum of differences that glass child experience base on their individual circumstance. For example: - Some experience abandonment, some don't - Some experience physical and psychological abuse from their siblings and/or parents, some don't - Some were so invalidated that they became victims to predators, some did not I am not familiar w Brian Soto's work but I will say when talking with glass children (adults or "littles") it's important not to heroify their trauma. Yes, we can turn ashes into diamonds, but our diamonds are rooted in trauma. Acknowledging that helps glass children to be seen and doesn't minimize their trauma. (I don't think that was your intent BTW.) I know it was 8 years ago but I appreciate your comment. Thank you.

[@grace847]

Another soul who has been through therapy for a decade before hearing of the term glass child. This is me! I remember having the self awareness that our family dynamics were off when i was younger. Remember being a teenager and telling mum I felt i had to grow up too quickly because of my younger brother's autism and learning difficulties. Her response? "No you didnt. That's not true." **sigh**

[@greysanatomy123]

sobbing while watching this. i feel so seen. i felt so alone for so long.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I see you. 🫶

[@siriuslyconfused1]

My parents (and I) took care of my elderly grandmother when I was 11, and though I’m not the sibling of another disabled child, an elderly person with dementia definitely counts. I also have a younger brother, who was not the glass child, he called attention to himself with behaviors my mom found undesirable, and I meanwhile took care of grandma as one of her two primary caregivers (I’m not sure what my dad was up to…work?) I have so much trauma I’ve really struggled to unpack, and this term is very helpful to that. Thank you.

[@qwipperty]

I hear you. I am not a glass child, but a lot of what was said hits home. I had both parents with severe mental disabilities, and felt like I had to be perfect and invisible and the "good kid" who never asked for plaything or did anything wrong in order to stay safe. To this day, I am always "fine"...half a century later, no matter what is going on on the inside.

[@zalisinkic1516]

thank you. I'm crying my eyes out right now

[@lisachevallier1008]

I relate so much to this ... tysm , i really thought i was alone .

[@nem0philist]

My brother with autism and mobility issues passed away in February of 2022, she encapsulates what it was like so well. Although unintentional, I was emotionally neglected, and it had long term affects.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I'm so sorry. I see you. 🫶

[@BeansonsBeans]

This was so good. I feel seen and validated for the first time. Thank you

[@aworldofhopes7627]

I rather recently discovered that I was a glass child, as I never had the right words to describe my experience growing. But the thing is, now that I know, I can't help but feel guilty for having these feelings. It feels as though I am placing blame on my parents and sister, which isn't fair or right to them or something that I want to do. I have all these feelings of resentment, frustration, and sadness over my childhood experience, but immense guilt for feeling this way.

[@nikitaellayasmin1963]

This is me.

[@evelyngreen9597]

Nikita Ella Yasmin Whooaaaah And I know that I deserve your love There’s nothing I’m not worthy of (Those lyrics are so fitting)

[@wallofwords]

@Raelara1 I want to encourage you to think a little differently for a moment. There is space enough for there to be compassion for all sides of this issue. Autism doesn't affect just one person. It affects the entire family. "Pity Me" can go too far (on all sides), but that's not in Alicia's message at all. In fact, she went out of her way to make it not be about her, but about how community can reach out and make a difference. And from personal experience - such involvement can be a lifeline.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

Well said. Thank you.

[@frozenfragment6882]

Damn, this really made me shed tears. This has never happened to me before.

[@reinventingLifeinyour50s]

Alica - thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am a glass child. I am the youngest of 4 kids and two brothers are mentally challenged and my sister was a slower learner. I have spent my life caregiving and now I oversee my brothers life. Life was never about me and you said it well. No one ever knew because they always felt I was strong. But hey guess what. I spend so much of my time alone feeling lonely because it was never about me.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I see you. 🫶

[@shellc76051]

Thank you for sharing your story...very thought-provoking...

[@marielaylen9907]

I feel so seen ❤️ thank you so much 🙏

[@tracyneal3243]

This is so powerful thank you for sharing

[@cnohero]

wow amazing!

[@taragrier6383]

thank you

[@kenthuffman]

Very powerful video, Alicia. Also very inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing such an important message.

[@vijayasingh7210]

This hits home. Thanku so much. ❤️

[@moodyuniicorn3565]

Wow I am so relieved that I have found a literal term. Im a glass child....

[@KathyCustren]

Standing Ovation!! Alicia, this is such an awesome video and great message! I am sharing it and asking that this awareness be spread far and wide. It needs to be experienced, and we need to BE that one-mile-per-hour wind for sure. Get out the tissues now, but get ready to make change happen. Blessings!

[@shootdj]

Everything in this video is so so relatable. Thank you so much for talking about it . It gives me so so much relief that there others like me

[@torshachowdhury3560]

same

[@sharigrande]

Thank you, Alicia for sharing your story. You are an amazing daughter, sister and advocate and I am so thankful for you for sharing your life story.

[@JastaAdventures]

Hi Alicia, thanks for sharing your eloquent & poignant story. As you know, I work for a special needs org. Several co-workers have siblings with significant needs. We've been planning for them to share their stories to increase staff understanding of the sibling experience, not just as children but ongoing in adulthood. As I listen to your story, I wonder how Mario is doing now. Where does he live & work? Is he happy? Are you and your family at peace? Hoping all is well, Krista

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I know you posted this years ago Krista. Mario is doing okay. I lost my Dad since I gave this talk and my Mom has full guardianship of Mario. TBH there is much more I would like to see in his life to enrich his life. It will take me getting full guardianship for that to happen. But the good news is, Mom is open to that thankfully. Hugs!

[@taorroarcano7626]

I came here to understand the meaning of glass child and i found it at 5:09

[@dbreiden42]

Wow.

[@imanisnipes8411]

My sister has severe mental issues. I have always felt like my feelings never matter my mental health would never be as bad as my sisters. My feelings have always been downgraded, I know that i was always loved and cared for but i have social anxiety like most people and get depressed sometimes but my sister always comes in and says "well my mental issues are worst". I will always love her but sometimes I wish that something happened to me so that i could be noticed (I know that it's selfish). I know it's not the same as special needs but I feel like I relate to glass children as well.

[@HeyoitsJay]

It’s not selfish to want people to care about you too

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

What you're describing is super common amongst glass children. I met a man who told me that the happiest time in his life was when he had an accident and was in a wheelchair. It was the first time he got as much attention as his brother. Please don't feel guilty about it. You're having a normal reaction to being unseen. I see you. 🫶

[@sarahdenton7246]

I’m just learning about this now, from my daughter who has a special needs sister. I didn’t know she felt this way.. I don’t know how to fix this.

[@Beccasbutterfly138]

They don't know what fine is.

[@michelebailey2780]

Wow. I'm a glass child, still, at 48 years old. That's a new term for me.

[@theawkwardnat]

I think people are missing the point of this talk. I too am a "glass child". I have three brothers, two of which are special needs with a severely rare genetic disorder that hinders them both physically and mentally in separate ways. And growing up, I definitely felt angry that I had responsibilities when I was younger that my friends didn't have. But I did not resent my siblings for it. It was not their choice to spend months in a hospital so often that I stepped in as a parents and helped with cooking cleaning, medicine, doctor runs, etc. I am PROUD to be a "glass child". You know why? I learned things other people will NEVER know. I learned compassion beyond words. I learned how to take care of myself and be a caregiver, sister, warrior, best friend, multi-tasking wizz, and most of all, a defender. Yes. I struggled from depression and self harm because I learned that my siblings needs and feelings and wants came first. But that wasn't their fault, nor my parents'. But now, as an adult who still aids my brothers, I am thankful that I've been blessed with two amazing siblings to love and care for. I don't resent my siblings and I don't think my parents focused more on them on purpose. I don't think my family was broken. Yes, we struggled, but doesn't everyone in their own way?

[@wayneblackburn5858]

we all have our different perspectives if yours is something akin the the waltons or touched by an angel good 4 you some of us its nightmare on elm street

[@lauragiglio9735]

Yes, I agree with you. I am 51 and a glass child. However, I would prefer to be called a Titanium child. I had a horrible experience that ruined me mentally for life. That's my battle even today. On the other hand, it prepared me to be the strongest, most aggressive goal chaser, surrounded by friends, and accomplished version of myself that I could have ever been. Because I am a glass child!

[@user-xs9ct8rh5p]

@@wayneblackburn5858 Thank you Wayne for saying what I wasn't sure how to put into words.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

@@wayneblackburn5858 It's really easy for some to "heroize" our trauma. I see that happen most often when the person hasn't faced the trauma. It's another method of fulfilling our training to suppress our emotions and live in denial of what we went through. Thank you for being real here.

[@laurafedora5385]

Oh jeeze. I didn’t learn about glass child syndrome until a few years ago and it really hit home, sadly after my parents had passed. It can really mess you up. Thanks for talking about this, it affects so many families.

[@lizmstoeckel]

I have two glass children. We needed the support of our friends and family DESPERATELY. We were kicked out of church and completely cut off from all our friends because we were dealing with ADHD ("You must not spank him enough"), and drug addiction ("Clearly you're a bad mom!"). Support might have changed the bitter, angry response from my two glass children. Instead, it pushed them away from God, away from Church, away from family....away from anyone and anything that might cause more pain.

[@rainbowgirlism]

I'm sorry

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

My prayer is that I will have more opportunities to speak to clergy and the important of supporting the entire family. I hoe that you've received help and support since you posted this 11 years ago.

[@DragonFire9278]

I grew up with two older brothers one with autism and one with dyslexia I did everything thing my parents asked and my mom still hated me and i ended up having really bad anxiety and when my oldest brother left it hurt me bad because he was the only one who paid attention to me

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I see you. 🫶

[@padowo]

2:55 9:55 17:25

[@DesertRose76]

I would really like the opportunity to contact Alicia for some questions. Does she have an email I can write to? Thank you. Excellent talk!

[@rainbowgirlism]

She's on Reddit now. 😊

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

@@rainbowgirlism Yes I am! 😍 It's a great sub. I wish more people interacted there.

[@sandrakleiserblack5140]

OMGsh....

[@abbyoneil]

How do you deal with the guilt knowing this may have happened because of your disability and how your family views it.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

Know that it's not your fault. 🫶

[@abbyoneil]

@@aliciamenesesmaples thanks I needed that

[@Raelara1]

I have never hated myself more than when I was watching this video. I am the embodiment of the OTHER side of the coin. I am autistic. And I have spent most of my adulthood trying to come to terms with MY miserable childhood. The last thing I needed to hear ... again ... was that my very existence made my siblings lives miserable too. Alicia's message is heartening for glass children. It is a spear through the heart for those of us on the "other side". I wish I'd skipped watching this.

[@pipermenerndez5652]

Raelara1 I realize you wrote this 7 years ago, but I’m sorry you had to feel that way. I may not be disabled in any way, but I do understand the horrible feeling of causing pain to others. Actually I am a “glass child” and understand that it’s not my sister’s fault that she is the way she is. And it’s definitely not your fault either. There’s always two sides to every story; both sides deal with different things and that’s okay. I hope I helped in any way... I just wish it wasn’t 7 years later :)

[@joannethomson9667]

No one is at fault. Those with autism live a different life. My autistic sister has learned to cope by colouring in. She loves it. I like to buy her new pencils and books. And I guess glass children learn to cope too. I found therapy helps me. It's no one's fault. Life happens to us all anyway. Good things, bad things and it all shapes us. I know my sister sees me, even if she doesn't quite understand me fully.

[@redj1101]

I realize that this comment was posted 12 years ago, but I just wanted to say: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Glass children are emotionally neglected by their parents. It’s the parents’ responsibility to attend to the needs of all their children, so if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s your parents’.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I remember seeing your comment 13 years ago and it made me cry. If no one has said this to you yet, what your siblings went through was not your fault. I see you too. 🫶

[@sharonchilds-purcell9341]

I believe being a glass child is something you can be without a special needs sibling. I think there are other situations that would cause this. In fact I am certain of it. I was only 7 when it was clear to me that there was something very different about how people interacted with me. I was the third daughter to a couple who very much wanted a boy. I guess they were tired of girls and a year later got their boy so they had no interest at all. Out of 4 there were almost zero pictures of me. Photography was my dad's hobby and there were tons of pictures of the others, no pictures of 5 years dance performances, or of my graduation or of my wedding. I was the one who was mostly ignored and the only one my mother abused. I got married and left home at 16 and was not pregnant. I have seen this in families. I am 78 now.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

You've been through so much. While the definition of a glass child is someone with a high-needs sibling who was unseen, I want to make sure to affirm something for you - you were definitely unseen and there is trauma behind that. I'm sorry for what you went through. I see you. 🫶

[@Raelara1]

@nshaalla I would like to know that as well. Too often I see "glass children", my own siblings included, thinking of how difficult childhood was for THEM because of a special needs sibling. I can honestly say that none of the great number I have met have ever said anything about where that sibling is now, never shown any concern for that sibling's happiness. My siblings aren't quite that bad, but the narrowmindedness, the "I suffered SO much because of ___" goes WAY too far.

[@rugzbee5983]

This is filmed horribly

[@freddie_nyx2676]

Recognize the point.

[@lilliangraham9850]

i'd rather be a human being than have to be "a glass child "

[@lifeisbeautiful1250]

Your perception

[@lilliangraham9850]

"whatever "

[@krfl9871]

We don't really have a choice in that part of our lives, to be fair...

[@lilliangraham9850]

@@krfl9871 that's your opinion

[@wayneblackburn5858]

@@lilliangraham9850 and your opinion is duly noted

[@mfredcourtney5876]

What a mess! I feel sorry for the person with the special problems but does the entire family have to be destroyed because of this one person? It becomes a choice of who will you salvage.

[@jesspalombo961]

I don’t like how she’s referring to autistic people as unhealthy. You can be perfectly healthy and autistic, autism is just a different way of thinking, feeling and viewing the world.

[@joseyerena1218]

I mean, she is just talking about her borther, who happens to be among those autistic people who suffers from physically challenging behaviors, she never claims that all people with autism are like her borther

[@dawncorona1653]

I am crying my son suffers with ADHD and Bipolar and I did IEP counseling. The sad part is my older son Bryan was smart good great student.I didn't have a great childhood my Dad committed suicide my mother is Narc our family just realized so we have no contact.I feel so bad know I no I have more knowledge to make this right.Thank you so much

[@asterling4]

yeah, this tedtalk definitely shows its age

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

I know you wrote this 4 years ago, so I hope you see my comment. You are 100% correct. 💯 I've been criticized a lot for supposively "attacking" people with Autism in this talk; not my intent. If I had it to do all over again, I would emphasize that everyone's experiences are different and certainly that my brother's issues and behaviors do not reflect the sum total of all people on the Autism spectrum. But I wanted to get on here and say thank you for saying this. ~ Alicia

[@singinwithceline]

I understand that my disability & mental health issues have made things hard on my family, but I feel bad enough about that without having to watch a talk about how my brother & sister are ignored by some lady whose never met us.

[@helendeandrade3461]

I'm sorry you feel this way. Remember that she is not talking about your family specifically, and that she is not blaming the child who has the special need. However, if your brother and sister are really ignored by your parents, you may understand that they, too, deserve care. And if your brother and sister are not ignored, great! Most brothers and sisters of children with special needs are ignored, and parents need to know about it. I was so neglected I don't even know how I survived, but i never blamed my brother. He wasn't the parent and he wasn't responsible for their choices. If your siblings are neglected, you can show this video to your parents and help them understand your siblings. No need to feel guilty.

[@aliciamenesesmaples]

In case no one has said this to you - it's not your fault.

[@CA6989_]

This is just my thoughts: yes being a glass child is trauma, but no. it's not your siblings fault for being disabled. it's your parents fault for neglecting you I feel like this whole discussion on TikTok is just the product of misplaced anger and blame. like they're blaming their disabled siblings and not the parents I’m the disabled siblings, and I honestly I wasn’t the best child (seriously I wasn’t) but it’s also barriers in supports and funding that Us disabled people can’t get and I was told before by doctors in my older years, you can chose you wanted to be euthanized (specifically what’s happening now where I live in Canada ), Me growing up, I wish at times I never existed because my conditions and what my brother had to endure. my sibling should never be my care taker and I won’t allow that (meaning they will never be my care taker I forbid it!!! The thing is disabled kids/people always need more attention than a regular kid just to survive, My problem with a lot of glass children is that so many use it as an excuse to use extremely ableist language. Like you can share how bad it is that Society doesn’t give families of disabled ppl the adequate resources which leads to the glass child phenomena. But it’s not an excuse to be ableist

[@rideshare9657]

Everyone suffers in these situations, there is no villan but to make a comment attacking ppl who are venting a trauma they rarely can even think about expressing somewhere else is wrong too. To blame parents who are struggling is awful. We know that our disabled siblings had it the worst, that's why we never talk about it and the inability to even talk about the trauma without being villinized is exactly what causes these feeling to fester to this boiling point. Maybe read the room and have some empathy.

[@redj1101]

THANK YOU. I was a glass child, and I think this absolutely needed to be said. If a child is emotionally neglected, it is the parents’ fault. That doesn’t mean that they didn’t do their best; most parents do. That doesn’t mean you have to hate them. We just have to recognize that they had the responsibility of fulfilling their children’s needs, and for whatever reason, they didn’t have the resources to do so.

[@HeatherValentineMsFoodie]

🙄🙄 to me this is every family pretty much. On the flip side I see this as just another excuse for having people walk around with labels.

[@HeyoitsJay]

I’m a glass child, My mom and dad literally did not want me to see my bf in high school (now husband) because my sister with severe depression said my relationship was making her depressed. When I asked my dad about it he said “you can wait it’s for your sister.” Now me and my sister don’t talk anymore after she lied to me and got off her medication without getting an okay from the doctor and not seeing my son (her first nephew) for the first 9 months of his life, even though I spent my entire pregnancy trying to make sure she was okay. And my dad still wants me to talk to her apparently. 🙄