Recovering From Male Sexual Abuse: One Survivor's Story | Jamie Forbes | TEDxHartlandHill

NOTE FROM TED: This talk contains a discussion of child sexual abuse. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
It was 2016, after Boston Globe’s Spotlight team published an article about their research into educator abuse in the independent schools around Boston, that Jamie Forbes decided to reveal his own experience to his family and friends in a FB post. The outpour was striking, both the love and support, as well as the degree of shared experience. It was more than healing, it shifted his life and career trajectory. As it would happen, his TEDx talk would take place the week before he would face his abuser in court, 40 years post experience, finally, for sentencing.
For the inaugural year of TEDxHartlandHill in Woodstock, VT, we compiled an amazing group of speakers to dive into the question, "What is Community?" Each speaker, taking on aspects of being our best-self to help foster a truly healthy environment.
In this talk, Jamie takes on the formidable task of speaking the shame that comes with being a victim of this crime coupled with the clarify of how to bring forth personal healing and how to create greater protection within our school systems. Jamie is the founder and leader of Learning Courage. His experience includes nearly two decades in the private sector in both finance and marketing roles, where he honed his business acumen, strategic thinking and creative approach. Jamie has also consulted with, helped start, and been involved in board leadership of other nonprofit organizations.
His work with schools began when he shared the story of his own abuse as a student at Milton Academy. During the resulting investigation, he observed first-hand how important and yet challenging it can be for both survivors and school leaders to support healing.
Learning Courage came out of his observation that schools needed guidance keeping survivors at the center of incidents of sexual abuse and misconduct. Central to his findings in this work is that being survivor-centered is in the best interests of not just survivors but also the institutions where the abuse occurred. The best way to improve the sector's response to sexual abuse, he reasoned, was to create an organization that collected and shared what they learned. The Learning Courage name speaks to the K-12 school audience which focuses on education and learning and also the necessity to always learn about how we can do this work better.
Jamie graduated from Connecticut College and lives in Portsmouth, NH with his wife, two daughters and a dog that thinks he’s actually human. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@richardburke3612]

As a survivor, it difficult to imagine the courage and strength to stand up and speak about this horrible ordeal. A Truly Brave Man!

[@KingFriday274]

I didnt speak for 30 years and when i did it wasnt voluntary.

[@Kass-gk3dq]

Noone cares

[@userwater777]

Spoke up after 23 years. I dont know how . I just decided to face it. So I got a notebook- it turned into almost 8 to 10 notebooks of Journaling. Meditation is a great help. Thank u for sharing

[@nancymclemore9944]

Awesome comments on shame. As a survivor myself it has taken me decades to get over the shame. Bravo!

[@jamieforbes2130]

Thank you Nancy. Shame is so powerful and shows up in ways I never imagined (or recognized) i would. So glad to hear you have been working hard on overcoming yours.

[@tomtbi]

I know exactly how you feel as a molestation survivor.. amen brother..

[@jamieforbes2130]

Sorry for what you experienced. I wish you health and healing.

[@happygucci5094]

You are the best of us Sir- the very best of us. I wish you and your family healing, love and an abundance of joy. I feel seen.

[@snowcountry322]

Yes, it is important to know that "it's not my fault." Thanks for sharing. It helps to listen to someone who went through a similar abuse as a survivor.

[@joshuanattinger9694]

I never thought that shame was something I needed to deal with until I listened to your talk. It has cleared some things up for me. Thank you.

[@luciavelasco-evans5672]

What a difficult subject to address, yet you did so well. Thank you for being a voice

[@jamieforbes2130]

Thanks Lucia!

[@kingt5245]

I'm in my 30s and I'm suffocating right now

[@jamieforbes2130]

Sorry to hear. First, it was not your fault. You have to know that, to feel it in your bones. That helps scrub the shame away. Also I hope you're able to share what happened with people you trust and love. That doesn't mean you have to pursue justice (unless you choose to). It just means you don't have to bear it alone. Sending strength your way.

[@miriamchao4161]

Its so brave of Him to speak about it. Just like you've said do whatever is necessarily to take care of yourself. Sending lots of Hugs

[@lambsandswans]

Sending all my love ❤

[@sweetbb125]

Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very brave man. I could only tel my family (my mother and my sister) about my abuse, after my father had died. I was abused by our neighbour when I was 17 years old, in my 2'nd last year of high school.

[@jamieforbes2130]

I'm sorry for what you had to endure. That was no your fault.

[@axeldaar9100]

The amount of activity under this video says a lot about our society

[@victormanueleinhorn]

Wow, that is strong, talking about your story full of shame, pain and brokeness but also of surviving and healing...KUDOS....!

[@jamieforbes2130]

Thank you Victor. I appreciate your encouragement.

[@boogerboy4533]

Very moving and insightful

[@jwm993]

This is so powerful and affirming. Thank you

[@rwd2011youtubization]

Well done, Jamie!

[@spindriftstudio2727]

Very well done.

[@jamesdean0885]

0:50 dude, I could see your shakes. I hope you both come out S better people. My 'abuser' I have forgiven, but we each have our own journey. Also I know, I was the only one.

[@luism93g]

Really overcome example, a great man and very concious.

[@rbroughton13]

Thank you, Jamie

[@NN-et7xt]

So brave.

[@KingFriday274]

I dont think my abuser knew what it would do to me. He told himself it was no big deal. I think most abusers wouldnt abuse if they knew the damage they were doing.

[@happygucci5094]

They know- they don’t care- we were a means to their sick end.

[@tbizzelltx]

Thank you❤

[@jamesdean0885]

4:18 I had minor trust in my older sister. She doesn't know it, but I think she saved me.

[@cheekychoc5132]

Brave, courage shown

[@sgreen9088]

I will also reclaim my voice.

[@jamieforbes2130]

Good for you! It will help you heal.

[@akshattejas4348]

The guilt of getting him expelled from school because i was not strong enough to stand up for myself. Only if i had the courage to stand up for me, then all those hiding in the bathroom stalls, all those scratch marks across my chest, all those sleepless nights filled with fear would never have happened

[@jamieforbes2130]

The guilt and the shame you experienced is not your fault. Your abuser was wrong. You didn't lack courage. You lacked power. I'm sorry.

[@elisemorse-gagne28]

The common shame-producing narrative says that the person harmed was accepting the harm simply by being in the situation where it happened. I was just thinking about this today, and this is what I thought: To hope that other people will do what's right, and to act in that hope, is THE OPPOSITE of hoping they will do what's wrong.

[@jamesdean0885]

7:11 when I got 'lair off' it told me, no matter how good I try to be. I can't make people care for one another.

[@TyrusJa]

❤❤❤

[@fatimangara4538]

GOD bless you and thank you for speaking up.. God is for you always even though the pain..Men are going through a lot and it's shelved but God Almighty is aware

[@jusadude7162]

Questions that I don’t even know how to ask😔

[@jamieforbes2130]

I know how lonely it can feel. The questions come easier over time. I'm sorry for what you experienced.

[@WaywardSon-pl2rn]

Me too

[@jamieforbes2130]

I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve that.

[@tomtbi]

I sometimes have the fantasy of harming my molestor...

[@jamieforbes2130]

That is a fairly common (and understandable) fantasy for survivors.

[@user-kb6ly7ro3x]

That’s human nature many want to destroy their abuser . God will take care of it

[@happygucci5094]

Completely normal.

[@doug4494]

me too.

[@jamieforbes2130]

Can't really thumbs up on this. I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope watching my talk was helpful and that you have people you trust to support you.

[@doug4494]

@@jamieforbes2130 what makes it even more screwed up is that it was my mom.

[@lovelylipbonesouwwwwwwwolv2198]

1:16

[@Popunkwillneverdie]

😂😂😂😂😂 ...... they apologized to me after they refused to believe what I dealt with and witnessed but they all profited from it and now my dad is dead

[@kava6109]

he has a wife ….oh wow

[@nedcabot6954]

Gobbers of blubber

[@quantum32]

first comment whooop yeahhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhh

[@caseymurrow7803]

I vivdly remember the letter, which I am sure Milton had a hard time sending out. I also remember my own worry: Was I abused in this way? I don't think so, as I thought about my own history at the school.But was it far away? Of course not, Thank you,Jamie for this Ted Talk. I agree with Richard, who wrote (above), "it is difficult to imagine the courage and strength to stand up and speak about this horrible ordeal. A Truly Brave Man!" Thanks, Jamie❤