Surviving Betrayal | Roselyn Aker-Black | TEDxUStreetWomen

Surviving Betrayal: A 3 Step Guide on how to Heal from Ultimate Betrayals! Award winning Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Expert, and Media Personality, Dr. Roselyn Aker-Black provides a 3 step guide on how to mentally shift to begin your healing journal from any betrayal.Dr, Roz believes that everyone can have a healthy relationship if they are armed with the right tools to navigate through disappointments,betrayals, and trauma from their past. #DrRozEducates #DrRozInspires #DrRozMotivates Roselyn V. Aker- Black, Psy.D (affectionately known as Dr. Roz) is a native of Rome, Georgia currently residing in the Washington, DC metro. Dr. Roz received a B.A. in Psychology from Fisk University and completed a doctoral degree in clinical psychology at The American Schools of Professional Psychology at Argosy University.
Dr. Roz is an award- winning psychologist and has over 13 years of experience in providing psychological services as a subject matter mental health expert to children, families, and couples in the nonprofit, government, and private industry sectors. Currently, she is the Chief Operating Officer for the Goal Grinders Foundation, a nonprofit organization that provides Leadership and Entrepreneurial training with a STEM Focus for at risk middle school girls. She is also a psychology professor at local universities in the DC Metro area. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@cryskrysl]

I might have to listen to this every morning to help get through my day. I'm hurting so much. Since I've been betrayed, I haven't been myself. I am not the confident person I was, and I no longer recognize myself.

[@FlowersgirlJ]

Same here 😢.

[@joyfulesther6391]

I got betrayed by someone I loved most…. But watching this really helped me and I hope I get over the hurts soon

[@goldenlifelove7251]

I know how u feel & really hope you're doing better now.

[@dianewilliams5819]

Forgiving the betrayal was easier than trying to process the grief of misplaced love 💔

[@Dil.Careem]

When someone stabs you in the back and then apologizes, accept the apology, but don't give him the knife back to do it again. I would tell you that betrayal contributes so much to personal growth on how we face and handle it. Accept that it has little to do with you!

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Best talk I have ever, ever heard on healing!!!! Thank you so very much!!!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Bless you! Thank you Cynthia!!

[@dianeibsen5994]

she makes it sound so easy add PTSD trauma on top of all that. Super hefty number one on how to heal this Also. how on Earth you wrap your brain around all that? She asks like five different questions

[@DR-nh6oo]

I am carrying a sense of responsibility for all and any others who might likely suffer at the hands of my abusers if I don’t sacrifice myself to bring these people to account.

[@enaidw.3807]

Thank you so much, I needed this gem at this particular moment in my life...again, thank you!

[@datslucy]

Thank you!

[@okwymaduka]

Thank you

[@lochofmceo]

I ain’t forgiving nothing

[@kquestvision7248]

I feel this!!!💯💯💯

[@blondiee4017]

This comment made me giggle 😂❤ me asf rn 😢

[@ricksanchezcc-1736]

🤣😭 but seriously holding on to anger takes a lot more energy than being happy. Everyone is having a good day while you’re mad. We are only for a certain amount of time. I pray that we all try not to hold on to anger and live in peace.

[@angelinasouren]

​@@ricksanchezcc-1736true. That said, there are healthy kinds of anger and bad experiences need to be processed, and any anger over them not being pushed down...

[@theedivineorator3141]

This is me, I’ve been ruminating in the betrayal. It’s all I think about but my mind is wired that finding closure for me is sorting out the facts and data. I try to find the truth. Im learning that even when you have truth sometimes knowing creates so much pain and void that finding closure after truth leads to another step. Im learning that letting go is a great step forward in moving on, forgiving, finding peace and starting over. Im just trying to get out of this bad nightmare, so I can no longer feel threatened and attacked. So I’m not replaying the same scenarios over and over trying to make it make sense. Im accepting that somethings will never make sense to us. Im an open modest woman. Im learning that people like me are rare and I can’t expect me from everyone around me. I’ve been stressed, depressed, having complex PTSD, anxiety yet I internalize my issues. Im not good at revealing all these things unless I feel safe to do so. It’s trauma. Conditioned trauma. Im healing but I come across situations people that trigger me and my reaction to the abuse betrayal trauma is not healthy. Internalizing is self punishment.

[@MegsCarpentry-lovedogs]

"1) no one owes you anything,be your own advocate to give yourself closure. 2) Its not all about you. Sometimes you are just a casualty of war to someones decision/behaviour.Look at the intention of why someone did what they did-reframe; look at every perspective of the situation to understand why they did what they did. 3)Forgiveness= not forgetting the people that have hurt us. Forgiveness is not about giving them a pass. Forgiveness is for you. Energy is never created or destroyed. Allowing that negative energy from the betrayal is an affront to your potential/goals and dreams. You are worth more than having anxiety, stress or depression because of what someone did to you. You cannot control anyone else's behaviours and you do not have to carry the burden of their behaviour; which is not fair at all to you today! You do not need permission from someone who has done you wrong to heal. You are not powerless. Looking for healing in the place that you have been hurt will never be beneficial for you. You are responsible for your healing. Be bold and brilliant. You are not your mistakes. You are amazing! You are powerful. You have everything in you that makes you who you are. You do not have to walk around in pain. You have tools now to help you." Gosh! This was very reflective and empowering. I feel better in this moment because of it.Thank you! From Eastern Canada :)

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

You are more than welcome! I am so glad it resonated with you! Continue to apply it to your life! Good luck with everything!

[@ahmadrabaa1235]

Thank you m; curing words.

[@nadiaakhtar9443]

Wow that was amazing thank you

[@piscesmusic3116]

Thank you for sharing. I need to read this over and over again. I believe I made the mistake of believing I could heal in the same place I experienced the greatest pain. Thank you. 💕

[@kquestvision7248]

Thank you for putting this to written word! 🙏🏽

[@ThePossumone]

Interesting and does contain some truths I don't agree that "no one owes you anything " - particularly if you are in a covenant marriage relationship where you have made vows of fidelity We can forgive them snd ourselves but let's be clear, people show their colours - be careful

[@texbredmatts]

I’ve been crying and dying for the last month. I NEEDED THIS. And more actually. I’m so broken. Thank u Dr Roz. This is powerful ! I may need to listen to it daily. 💕

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I am so sorry that you are experiencing pain at this time. I'd like to encourage you to dial 211 so that you can be connected to local resources to help you heal! I'm rooting for you!

[@katsi1582]

Lots of love for you. I hope you are feeling better now. I’m just stating the process now. I can sleep better sometimes, but there are other days I have nightmares about the trauma I lived when I found out about the betrayal. I cry every day and it’s hard for me to find contentment most of the days. I wish you and all people who go and have gone through betrayal can heal.

[@Bonner901]

Me...brought tears my eyes

[@wmwilson5226]

I was where you are now. I completely lost myself it took years for me to understand what in the he'll happened. But in the end I met my true soul mate. Don't put a time limit on yourself to heal people around you don't understand just how devastating it is for you. I began reading and small about of time in therapy. It really helped me to understand what happened. Human psychology read about it, it will help you. It takes time to heal such emotional damage. But one day you'll wake up and realize you are so lucky you escaped a toxic situation. God Bless I pray this may help you. But don't ever give up God has a plan for you and a reason for what happened. And some day you may realize that what I'm saying now is really true. ❤️ Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. Hang in there your stronger than you think.

[@tatendamushunje587]

This is me...Iam crying everyday..I dont know what to do

[@maishan9073]

wow this helps me a lot. I’ve been betrayed by some of the closest people in my life, I’ve realized that have caused me trust issues, traumas and negative emotions. Now I’m on my healing and self discovery journey ❤

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

good luck in your journey! I'm so glad this resonated with you.

[@clarkbruce_exmuslim]

This is complete bs. You don't owe anybody forgiveness, and you are perfectly entitled to any amount of rage, any amount of grief, for any amount of time. This outrages me more right now than any past incident. Luckily, there are better therapists than Roselyn that get it (Holli Kenler, Tim Fletcher, Kristin Snowden etc). I wouldn't wanna meet Roselyn irl.

[@pauline3218]

Thank you. Forgive if it can makes you feel better or set you free, but for me, it isn't working. I can understand the reasons why those people betrayed me, which makes it worse. The dumping. My love was based on something that was never real and never existed and I never mattered. I live with body aches, anxiety and panick attacks since then, when they are happy and smiling. I don't know how long I will have to grieve, but at last I just want to forget those monsters and move on. I will never forgive. I will only forgive myself for making the mistake of believing such a lie.

[@catcatcat2899]

For me its in waves. I don't care about what they did, but then I suddenly seem to and i get sad and depressed and anxious. Idk what to do. They don't deserve forgiveness idc.

[@pauline3218]

Did it eventually go better now?

[@catcatcat2899]

@@pauline3218 Yes, thank you for asking. I do get scared when I see them around on my university campus though. Not sad. This fear is something I need to work on absoloutely.

[@maddiesharon1364]

As a lady that has gone through some share of emotional and psychological abuse from a narcissist i have learnt to run away when I see any traits of dishonesty and selfishness but sometimes you can’t really know until it happens and I discovered a way to find out before I become a victim again , I was cheated on and betrayed by my partner and blamed myself who his promiscuous behavior until I hacked his device and read through his chat and social media account before I discovered I was being played by someone I gave my totality to , really we have to be wise and know who to give our undying love and respect to, I have more information in my comment section

[@maddiesharon1364]

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[@annetatieno1019]

Right now I am going through a lot of pain. There is this friend of mine (that is what I thought) we sing together in church, she came to me to borrow some money because she wanted to start a business and she had a deficit in capital. A few days after, she started treating me different. So after like two months I asked for my money back (It's about eight months now). She never picks my calls and when I WhatsApp her, the only thing I get is blue ticks. The worst part is that she has started defaming me. It has reached a point I don't see the need of going to Church coz I expected the Church to be place where one is supposed to get a peace of mind but the opposite is true. The amount of hypocrisy and shamelessness is what irritates me the most.

[@marissatan747]

I am going through a painful episode in my 30 years of marriage. Youre so spot on! Sometimes you have to do the heavy lifting all your own, and you can do it! Tough. But possible.

[@ericsuiter7619]

Thank you, Ma'am. I listened to your speech, then listened a second time very intently. - Now to digest and practice and get right in my head.

[@ReelRoostTV]

This is SO good!!!!!!!!! Such an informed (and funny) talk. THANK YOU for saying these things, all of these things. So good!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you so much Reel Roost. I appreciate your kind words!

[@Bonner901]

This brought tears to my eyes...Thank you. I want to heal🙏🏾

[@meowskers666]

This really helped me realize how deep the damage is done to me when I was betrayed and almost got punched earlier for spilling out the truth. It really hurts, and will always hurts. Time to take 60mg of eszopiclone. Goodbye world...

[@karagillingham1418]

Are you okay?? You are worth more than whatever is hurting you. Your life matters. You are so important. It will be okay. I promise.

[@richakc7257]

How’ve you been?

[@markh4926]

OK! A series of betrayals starting in 4th grade, business, two marriages and finally 3 years ago my last wife just disappeared one morning. A couple months later she called and apologized for doing that to me. I accepted that and although she wanted to be my bestie from then on I decided to block her out of my life. The mental, physical and spiritual torment of abandonment is very difficult to convey even to my therapist and to this day I've only talked to two people who have gone through this, my brother and a young girl, both were devastated by their spouses abandonment. Brother came home from a weekend camping and all his wife's goods were gone from the home, the girls husband simply called her and said, "I'm not coming home anymore!" I don't wish harm to my x but I don't intend on being her best buddy either. There are lines to draw in my opinion. Even Jesus' last words were "My God why have you abandoned me? And then he died!"

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Dear whoknows, I am so sorry that you experienced this devastation. I agree you must develop a healthy boundary with your ex to ensure your healing from the abandonment. You absolutely deserve the opportunity to heal in a way that works best for you! I am equally happy to hear that you are in therapy to heal from your betrayal! best of luck!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

@peter m I also am sorry to hear about your 30 year betrayal. I hope you are able to receive relief as well from your trauma. It's important for you to do what's best for you! Take care of you! Best of luck!

[@YoxoooYay]

This helped a lot! Great talk! Wonderful human!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!!!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!

[@JOHNBURNS67]

19 years ago my wife cheated on me 3 months after our wedding. I was devastated and divorced her immediately. Ive barely thought about her over the years, When I learned her dad died I googled her, She still lives in the same house we bought together and were married in, now I seem to be obsessed Thinking about her and that great house I never got to enjoy , (Pool etc ) after these memories were triggered and I saw her face for the 1st time in 19 years, I froze stiff.... She never remarried ... I still get tears in my eyes despite the fact that I'm married 17 years to a great woman who adores me........ I wish I could release this trigger on my memories and allow them to remain dormant, like they were for years....

[@yeye55555]

Bless us sis!! Very well done. So proud to have you in my cypher!! Love always. Keep on!!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you so much sis! I appreciate the kind words!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!!!

[@tatendamushunje587]

I have been betrayed by someone I really loved...iam trying to forgive him but iam seeing him everytime at church..its a hard process.Iam crying everyday,,I feel weak

[@hienienguyen6766]

Ahh i wish i would have known this sooner. But at least now I know what to do to stop avoiding these past thoughts in my head. I had that people do things like this. It affects your whole entire mind and spirit. I always seen the good in people and that is what hurts the most.. Processing that is a tough pill for everyone that has to go through a breakup

[@adrianlchew9726]

I needed to hear this. It is still painful. But it does feel like I can start .. and know a way to heal now.

[@geldermoreira3748]

My gf cheated on me 1 week ago, I've been crying without stopping this talk is helping me vent off my emotions for I'm so hurt that I can't just understand what I did wrong to deserve this if the only thing I did was love her

[@JMGR117]

The "why?" is easy, and a hope one day you can understand it without blaming yourself. She wasn't thinking about you, she was thinking only about herself when she cheated. Because she didn't valued your love, loyalty and commitment to the relationship in the same way you did. I don't know the backstory of your relationship, i don't know if she did it thinking it was a quick fling, if she thought she wasn't going to get caught, or if she did it with malicious intent. I don't know if you also feel nothing but hate towards her for what she did, if you do its ok, she betrayed your trust and love. Just make sure to leave that hate behind with her, and don't take that hate with you to the rest of yourlife and other current or future relationships. I do know that what you mainly feel is sadness and a feeling that you did not do enough to keep her. And that is understandable. I can see you loved this person very much... and you probably do still. After all I imagine you two spent happy moments together. They were real for you, and that is why this matters so much to you. I don't know if she, has or will tell you things like "it was a mistake" "ill be better", i don't know if she feels sorry or not. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day, she did not valued and respected the relationship the same way you did, neither she was ready to commit to it the same way you did. You deserve someone who shares your values on a relationship, who loves you at the same level, who gives the same you do. You already gave to her the kind of love you were expecting to get from her, and she didn't reciprocate. Do not wait for her to do so, you already did your best, and you need to leave her so she understands that, and for you to understand it was not your fault. In the days to come never forget that in a relationship 50% of the effort, happiness and love is being created by you. Love and happiness are still in you without that relationship, without that person that hurt you. You can reach for that love and happiness without the need of having a 100%.in your daily life. If you keep this in mind you shall find the 100% with someone else who is willing to share their love with you. ❤

[@geldermoreira3748]

@@JMGR117 thanks for the comment I highly appreciate your words to cheer me up, I already walked out of her life and I'm in process to recover myself. Days have been tough but I'll be fine as the time goes by and ready for the right person, thanks again for the comment!!

[@elizabethchavez1855]

@@geldermoreira3748 I got cheated on earlier this month and I can tell you, the pain is fresh and it’s real. The best thing I chose to do was to block him and those involved. The person he cheated with worked with him and her mom and dad knew about what she was doing (they all worked with him) I worked in the same place but in a different area. I felt like everyone knew except me. I’m still on my self healing phase and some days it is hard. Don’t give up, you deserve happiness and love.

[@geldermoreira3748]

@@elizabethchavez1855 thanks for the comment wish all the best for you and your progress one day the pain will go away and we'll be ready to receive the real love n care ,

[@LifeExpert_]

How are you now bro?

[@laurettawalker5902]

I loved the way you presented another way to get through betrayal. This is truly a real talk that I will share with others, and remember it for my self! Excellent job Dr. ROZ!! So proud of you Sistah!!

[@anthonybernard4796]

So, what does healing look like? What tools/methods can I use to heal?

[@Kianquenseda]

I feel it in all my relationships family and friends

[@rosaleeavila2555]

It's sweet and there are little truth niceties throughout, however, this woman either a. has never experienced true betrayal or b. isn't courageous enough to speak to the reality of it. I cannot imagine anyone knowing the true horrors of mind/axiom-shattering betrayal and then go on to speak this little fluffy nonsense to it. I assume the former as she is clearly well-intentioned.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

I am a narc abuse survivor and I loved this, so helpful to me, been searching for years for something like this. Also unloved by my narc dad.

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

@@lholmes9329 , I certainly am not encouraging you to empathize with your abuser, but actually empowering you to know that you don't have to stay stuck in the pain and providing you with different perspectives for your healing.

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Rosa, I am sorry that this felt fluffy to you, as that is not the intent. I absolutely have dealt with mind/ axiom shattering betrayal, but I made a choice to not let it consume me. I recognized that I determine how I feel about a situation and in doing so, I took my power back! I wish the same for you!

[@cherylturner3966]

You can’t “re-frame “ the destruction what a malignant Narcissist/Sociopath does to a victim. This speech applies to normal betrayal in life. There are levels of abuse that go so far beyond this application.

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

@@cherylturner3966 I completely understand that this talk may not resonate with you, but I do encourage you to reach out to professional help to try to resolve some tge pain that you have experienced. You can start by dialing 211 to reach local resources in your community. Best of luck.

[@ma.tricia]

I know what caused the betrayal. My husband was brought up by a dismissive mother. I didn’t know that he already betrayed his parents before knowing me.

[@shaliniyadav8217]

Thankyou so much for this wonderful video ❤❤❤

[@shamsa5790]

Nice talk its simple but powerful thanks

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

thank you Shams!

[@lifetools-help8017]

Brilliant, helpful and hopeful!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you so much!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

thank you!

[@tashajefferson7601]

Thank you for this! 🙏🏾 Working on my LMFT licensing and have a couple experiencing this right now.

[@KamariaRichmond]

Phenomenal talk Dr. Roz!!!

[@CyliaLowe1908]

OUTSTANDING!!!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you soror!

[@danielcj1978]

Thank you very much!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!

[@lochofmceo]

Why did you have a curfew at 18 years old though?

[@KC-hv5dk]

Dr. Roz this is a gem! Im going through crippling effects of being betrayed. This talk gives me hope that I can find my way out of it.

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

You absolutely can find your way to healing! The first step is recognizing that you are worthy of healing! The second step is utilizing professional services to heal, and the final step is making the decision to heal!!! I'm rooting for you!

[@yanhtetnyein1063]

i don't know

[@danaed.339]

WOW! This was so real

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you so much!!!

[@breakroombreakthroughs5027]

Amazing!!!!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

thank you!!!!

[@lochofmceo]

You was 18 though

[@cristlestarr5247]

Thank you Dr Roselyn, you're a wonderful inspiration and speaker, this was great thank you so much.

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you so much Cristle!

[@danielleturnipseed4540]

Wonderful job and a great message to share - thank you!

[@delossantosmichelle5791]

❤️❤️

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!

[@1975Jiffy]

❤️

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!

[@marilynreed9785]

Come on, Soror!!!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you soror!!!!

[@ramonam9251]

Excellent

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you so much!

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

Thank you!

[@jesssapiter1728]

❤❤❤

[@RoselynAkerBlackPsyD]

thank you!

[@darnesiacochran7743]

I always knew my Partner was a cheater"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """ """" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """ """" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """ """" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """ """" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """ ""then I saw a recommendation of gavinhack1 on INSTAGRAM and in less than one hour after I contacted gavinhack1, i have complete access to monitor my Partner conversation, Facebook and cell phone remotely. ................,,