Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome? | Debi Silber | TEDxCherryCreekWomen

[@billjordan5507]

the most tragic thing about betrayal is that it never comes from an enemy...

[@hannahllewellyn163]

So true

[@Alpinewild444]

But he was, I just didn’t know it, and the shattering I experienced was because he was my husband.

[@joanlynch5271]

The other person in the triangle is the enemy.

[@voidwalker7774]

@@LittleBird888 YES !!!

[@whyohwhy9679]

At least you think they're not your enemy until you're just slapped in the face with the fact they are.

[@andreaaufmuth351]

It’s a double crush. The betrayal itself and then absolutely zero support because they are the person you normally run to for comfort and now you have no one. It’s horrid.

[@c78sanchez1]

He cant handle what I’m going through because of him. So it’s hard to even ask for support because he thinks everything is an attack to him when I literally just need him to help me get through the betrayal because of him. It’s so hard

[@Dghhvgjnb]

Yeah, it hurts so much when you are used then you try to bounce back but you just cant because there is no one for you, you lift your partner up and that person destroys you, even worse when you have physical sickness and then your partner also destroys your mentality..... There is nothing left then

[@andreaaufmuth351]

@@c78sanchez1 I can totally relate to what you’re saying. Just remind him it’s not an attack and you’re trying to heal. Is he willing to work on himself? It really does get better I promise. Just focus on YOU and what it takes to help you heal. ❤️

[@andreaaufmuth351]

@@Dghhvgjnb I can totally relate to this. Time to shift the focus to yourself and what it takes to help you heal. Get counseling, talk to a good friend or trusted family member. They come last now. It does get better I promise. Also, are they willing to work on themselves? If not, time to cut that tie. ❤️❤️

[@justincreed6009]

​@c78sanchez1 I'm sorry to say, but if he caused it and still has no empathy... I don't see that as a healthy relationship to recover from whatever he did, especially if you can't ask for help from him or talk about it. Sometimes the best medicine is removing the cancer 😢

[@taniagill4673]

The worst part about betrayal, I think, is the shock. It kind of puts you in this place where you think anyone is capable of anything, and from there it's very easy to never let anyone back in.

[@ayaaly2866]

You said it very well 👏what a sad truth

[@user-mr3ww5gy4j]

Even if you want to let anyone in, you're so completely removed from the idea you don't even know how or where to find them and just maybe give up.

[@chelseagamez161]

just found out I was cheated on 2 days ago and all I keep telling myself is how shocking it is that he did that to me 😕

[@savagelydivined3230]

The shock can last for years! It’s like you don’t wanna let anyone in cuz you don’t know who to trust. I mean if the person you thought loved you the most and vice versa, how could they do that.

[@pihuverma2130]

true

[@derrickrr5516]

The vast majority of betrayers score high in narcissism, sociopathy or psychopathy. So don’t expect the betrayer to show remorse.

[@rhondamarkem4182]

absolutely

[@melyssaExplainsItAll]

Is this in a study/meta review of literature? Where did you read this? Or is it a sweeping generalization? Bc ppl with BPD and HPD it’s this motive operandi do it to but for different reasons then AS and Narc

[@leanneharrison6368]

I totally agree narcissistic is a big one

[@CharcharBinks-h8u]

BPD

[@tedwhiting6192]

Bpd

[@tedfinger]

Her description of betrayal trauma is exactly on target. It changes you. I feel like an empty shell of my former self and I don’t see a path towards transformation. I’ve lost all motivation and enthusiasm for life itself. This is the trauma that’s invisible to the rest of society. No one really understands the pain of a betrayal, except for those of us who live with it.

[@msmandie101]

And sadly for the betrayed, no one cares. Which adds another layer of betrayal.

[@fireinateacup89]

I've lost connection with my own emotions, and most of the time, that's something I wouldn't want to change. I've lived with trauma for so long and been through so much terror that I am no longer phased by much of anything. I feel like a ghost, or something undead. For the most part, I don't feel emotions--I "know" them. The only emotions I can usually perceive on a tangible level are happiness and anger...I think because those emotions feel like control.

[@josedanielrodriguez1126]

Amen brother

[@jjsmama401]

I hear you. I’ve felt the same way for years. However, I watched a story yesterday about a r@PE victim who decided it wasn’t going to define her. She went to school and then became a police officer and eventually a detective. She put her energy into helping victims and putting away bad guys. I’m so inspired by stories like that. I don’t want to let this betrayal define me and deprive me of what I really deserve in life. It’s been 6 years. Maybe it’s time for me to let go.

[@mindella7812]

@@jjsmama401 love this ! You can do it ! You are worth so much more ! ❤️

[@johnfrehley3887]

The worst part is that it's the one you'd never have imagined in your wildest dreams, would destroy you or have a wish to. It's never an enemy, it's the one you trusted completely, the one you loved with all your heart and let into every aspect of your life. It's beyond devastating.

[@ms.rlsteele351]

Well said.

[@antoinetterocco3701]

Truth!!!!!!!!!

[@johnfrehley3887]

@David Irish So true 😢

[@redflava7871]

God shouldn’t have created human beings. Animals were enough.

[@marthahenrich1185]

So true. My daughter and 7 years later I’m still asking why?

[@lloydland]

“Even though it was done to you, it wasn’t about you,” very well said.

[@curoseba5363]

But it’s hard to conceive that idea, really hard...

[@denny3161]

A blanket statement that may or may not be the apparent truth let alone the actuality.

[@lloydland]

Whatever a person does, they do because of the internal narrative they have created within their own mind. We all observe occurrences. But it is only after the fact that we internalize those occurrences by assigning value and meaning, which does not actually exist within the occurrence itself. It is our interpretations of occurrences-our own values and meaning that do not exist objectively within the occurrence itself-that motivate our every behavior, not the occurrence or even the behavior of other actors that played a part in assisting the occurrence to transpire. Though we no doubt play a role in every occurrence we are present within, each observer necessarily turns the event into something that can be understood in terms of their own prior experiences, which they interpreted through the same process explained above. So, our understanding is never about another person or the behavior they may or may not have elicited, but is always about how we interpreted the behavior of others, and vice versa. Thus, however another acts toward us is never actually about us, but is always about the interpretation of occurrences that they created within their own mind. We might as well be a tree in their internalized, fictional rendering, it makes no difference. Because none of us is who we truly are in the minds of others, but rather appear, to them, to be whatever they project upon us. So, others never see us as we truly are. And because they never see us as who we truly are, they never behave as they do toward us because of who we truly are. Rather, they treat us as who they have made us out to be. In short, it really isn’t us that makes people treat us the way they do. In actuality, it is their own interpretations that motivate them to treat us as they do. And so, it necessarily cannot be about us.

[@Lizet_Artistry]

I have to remind myself of that and its very hard.

[@tanamo4632]

Thats understood on a cerebral level, both your comments tap into an intellectual understanding of what’s happened. But betrayal is an emotional wound that isn’t soothed with concepts and fancy words. I’d don’t think there is a ‘cure’ for betrayal only lessons and transformation.

[@pattiobrien5408]

I grieve for the man I thought he was, for the future I thought we had, the one person who knew all of me. But what she left out, I grieve for the ability to trust myself to protect myself. That’s the one part I can’t get past. It also affected all of my friendships. I sabotaged them to keep myself safe. The loneliness is overwhelming but I don’t know how to heal this part.

[@Featherfuss]

I’m sorry. I’m the same way, I think loneliness is better than being betrayed and abused again. Journaling helps.

[@EmsEms81]

100%.

[@donnamason6522]

I am so sorry. I do understand. Please don't despair. I was betrayed as a child by the man my mum was dating (abuser) who groomed me, said he loved me and would take care of me. I was so desperate for love and attention I let him do anything he wanted. After a year (He was scared I might be pregnant) he told my mum I had seduced him and that he couldn't resist me. I didn't know he was gonna tell her. She hated me after that. I felt I was the traitor. A week later he moved in with us and set up home with my mum. I was 13 by then. I had no one to tell. The shame and pain and loneliness were unbearable. It all completely blew my mind. I can't tell you the madness and torture of my teens. Suffice to say it broke me mentally , emotionally and led to almost a lifetime of a serious mental health disorder along with chronic illness. But I kept trying to heal. I was helped in my early fifties by 2 amazing psychotherapists who understood. I learned to love and respect myself and along with that I learned to trust myself . I believe in myself and my ability to protect myself. Boundaries. I didn't even know what that meant! I am now 64, healthy, having a life worth living. It is possible. Transformation, taking the best care of yourself with healthy eating and exercise. Research, get help if possible, believe you are worth it. Develop a positve relationship with yourself, be your own best friend. My heart goes out to all those in pain. Wishing you recovery, healing and peace.❤

[@Featherfuss]

@@donnamason6522 I’m so sorry what you went through. I’m happy for your recovery.

[@donnamason6522]

@@Featherfuss Thank you.

[@duncanboone8226]

It's weirdly comforting for me to hear that there's actual research to back up that there are physical responses to betrayal.

[@zero-ol2nt]

What betrayal taught me was to never be attached to the amazing happiness that a partner can bring. You could give everything to a person, walk over broken glass and one day they can decide for whatever reason they are not happy. Instead look for your happiness in other things.

[@ArthurBrinkman-c5z]

You have to find happiness within yourself. You can't depend on others to make you happy. Love yourself first then others will love you too.

[@Bethaniji]

Man's Search For Meaning by Richard Wormbrand. He was made to crawl on glass shards in concentration camp...and found a way to forgive and inspire...and define his life by another means.

[@zero-ol2nt]

@@Bethaniji Thanks! However this is besides the point but I appreciate you sharing.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

I did have happiness; the person that betrayed me wanted some of that and then realized it couldn’t be osmosisly transferred so decided to perform open heart surgery with a rusted knife blaming me.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

...the same level of happiness has been restored

[@komalkoul6486]

"its hurts so much bcz on some level we know its intentional"

[@jerilynmorgan5386]

Its not about the partner. Its about the unhealthy choices of someone not dealing with their issues appropriately within tmselves and in the primary relationship.

[@kelenl5033]

How true but hid them over and over again so many things.

[@jonstersmall2716]

It's also about cowardice on the part of the betrayer

[@elainenilsson5472]

It hurts so much because you were the one person they should have contacted first, not the last, and perhaps it could have been foiled

[@markcavandish1295]

@@jonstersmall2716 It’s also about the cowardice on the part of the betrayed.

[@Gbenneful]

For someone fighting back tears at my desk, thank you for helping to paint a picture of something that I have really struggled to understand, manage, and overcome.

[@YouSoCute2000]

Literally me at work😩😭🫂💗

[@brainwashed7244]

meeee toooo it hurts terribly

[@Michael19283]

Why do the tears come at unexpected times? Is it part of our healing??

[@anthonyesposito4344]

@@Michael19283yes. It’s is the body processing grief. Feel the emotions and let them leave. I’m going through it too

[@DebiSilber]

It's my greatest wish that this talk finds it's way to the people who are struggling to heal from a painful experience with betrayal. Please share with those who'd benefit from it. Thank you!

[@stealthkingproductionwmih4292]

It's been years I can't even remember the last time I trusted someone , and when I finally can trust again , it all happens again .. the agony ..

[@Loxias321]

Would like to know the process for healing from this that you spoke about. Is there an additional talk or a book where this is explained or outlined?

[@aps4950]

Debi Silber I found your talk today! I thank God that I did!

[@captain_cabbage]

I stumbled upon this and am in tears. I still hurt so much everyday i open my eyes. I want to tranaform so much, but i have no idea how. Please, how do i find myself and joy in people again? X

[@picardy7488]

@@Loxias321 Yes, no (or hint of) solutions given

[@haydeejohnson8290]

Betrayal is betrayal, once it's done to you, it's hard to trust, even after reconciliation🙏🏻.

[@wordsculpt]

Trust is something that is earned.

[@branNethan]

Totally agree! I find myself doubting my partner every time he says he loves me. Or not trusting when he’s out of my sight. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over it. It consumes all your thoughts until you feel like there’s nothing left of you 💔

[@willowworks]

This happened to me at my former job.

[@quirkyquester]

@@branNethan me too. I have a hard time trusting ppl now. I am looking for a way to help myself.

[@melssf7852]

@@quirkyquester same boat. 14 years later. I don't even know how to begin to heal

[@gameofyou1]

This is the best description of betrayal trauma that I’ve ever heard. It’s impossible to know how devastating it is, until it happens to you.

[@xw7239]

Videos like this are so helpful. My health insurance doesn't cover therapy, so when I can't see anyone, I watch youtube videos from counselors and therapists. It helps to have my feelings validated and not feel so alone. Thank you sister for this blessing of a video 🙏🏼

[@digidrum2003]

My wife left us (16 year old son) 3 weeks ago to "find herself" this after I caught her cheating 1 year ago....I need someone to talk to,but i dont have anyone.....youtube videos and reading comments have helped me so much.

[@Beanssss_]

It's time to find new health insurance.

[@xw7239]

@@digidrum2003 a lot of local churches have support groups, or if you want a secular support group, you could probably Google one in your area. I am so sorry for what you are going through

[@amoljamble2498]

🫂❤️

[@foundpeaceinthevision]

I hope you’re doing okay xx

[@Lakshman_Handle]

*Unable to breath* . . Only the victims can realise how true this is.

[@albertdavis4797]

True

[@donwalker117]

Me too

[@Newmusicnme]

Agree

[@JF-cd5hc]

I went completely numb and shaking. It's like my brain and body dissociated. All I asked for was for her to be faithful and she broke that on 2 seperate occasions. After that, it was very difficult to be intimate with her and that is what she says she needed. I was never allowed to bring it up or talk about it with her because she would get angry and defensive.

[@SisterSustain]

Betrayal was one of the best things that ever happened to me 31 years ago. It put me on a journey of self-discovery that revealed I was codependent…how I needed to take charge of my own happiness and not rely on someone else to do that for me. Also, I learned am not responsible for someone else’s happiness or well-being. Over the years I struggled with letting people in my life, trusting myself and trusting them. I kept myself “safe” for so many years, until I finally faced my fears and am now in a long term relationship, learning and growing. I now know betrayal happened to me because my purpose is to help others show up for themselves to lead a more happy fulfilling life instead of being afraid all the time.

[@rajeshwarimane6330]

How did you do that?

[@tb87670]

I think I am here now. Wife betrayed me 6 weeks ago, cheated then left after midnight suddenly. I think I was always codependent. I'm in so much pain right now.

[@jbaker7134]

One realization I had that was a great shortcut to overcoming betrayal was: Don't pine or long for the previous relationship with the betrayer. Recognize that that prior person/relationship either does not exist anymore, or maybe they were never really vested on the same level (even if it's a spouse). Then: as many times as it takes, consider it does not make sense to long for someone that does not exist. It helped make great, quick progress... Don't long for them, rather close (slam) the door behind them.

[@Nicbascan]

I like this comment. It’s so true 👍

[@mistermobile2615]

Tough with kids

[@skywalker847]

For me, it triggered childhood trauma, ptsd.

[@chellefell1331]

but in your mind they did exsist. so you have to grieve them like a death. if you keep telling yourself that person in your mind never exsisted, you will feel more shame. thats how it was for me, anyway.

[@paulajjeanes3828]

I've thought about that in fact I didn't even want a reconciliation I wanted to see how much the world has changed since myself changed and discovered it doesn't change along with me it drifts to a literal parralel timeline so now I know my answer for one time only which is good enough to apply to everything now.

[@glasshousefuture6836]

THIS IS WHY I SAY IT WAS NEVER ABOUT NOT LOVING MYSELF ENOUGH. It is about the person(s) you love and respect (and who you thought loved and respected You) making you question everything in your life

[@ndunyamunene8161]

Betrayal is such a hurtful and confusing thing. The trauma that comes with it, can really drain you at first. What she says about mourning the loss of the person you trusted, is very important. Because the version that you thought was the real them was an intergral part of you and I can kind of compare that to grief. Best thing to do is to start the healing journey (a good therapist really helps). I promise you it's not easy and it will take a lot of work. I'm still in the healing journey, it had its ups and downs. But one thing I'm proud of myslelf is that I got to reinvent myself. I went back to school to do my Masters, started hiking again, going out to social events more. To be honest I've never felt more comfortable and confident in my skin. There is hope, don't give up.

[@mojopojojojo2639]

Thanks for sharing

[@stevetuckey]

I needed to hear this today

[@britneyspears5727]

For me it's been ten years since the betrayal and I have never been in another relationship. Never again. I think it's PTSD. I would much rather just be alone than have to potentially deal with the same or a similar situation again. It's much less stress. I do miss certain aspects of companionship but I like the peace of mind that comes with being single and not having an intense attachment.

[@gailnichols1284]

35 years after my betrayal I married the most wonderful man. I was fine single - and my husband claims that is why he found me so attractive.

[@glenicasdream]

I couldn't agree with you more. This is exactly how I live.

[@mayamichelle6741]

It is the same for me. 10 years later... and I just can't. I think it is also because I also suffered from familial betrayal beforehand. Thank you for sharing.

[@dylannaenzo9737]

Methinks after a person has spent time "feeling alone" wtih a narcissist is in the same house, peace and solitude feels exponentially better. Sad but true.

[@ravenraven966]

@@mayamichelle6741 , yes .. for me it's the same ....so many betrayals from those we love.

[@sbrown2932]

"Trauma is the setup for transformation" is an affirmation I will use to get through this time. Thank you!

[@cindysharmony]

Well said

[@TacticsTechniquesandProcedures]

Total bs but whatever helps you sleep at night

[@Beanssss_]

Whatever floats your boat, but try to not fall into "Glorifying your Truama" trap

[@monarene44]

Just like a heart attack forces your body to take a break, an interpersonal trauma forces your entire psyche to step back and reevaluate.

[@stephenskayla2079]

It is intentional and you never see it coming when it hits you. A good person doesn't even let their mind go to the place of a betraying person. So when it hits you it is devastating. It's unbelievable that someone could do this to another person. A person they say they love. Yeah right.

[@AnTeya15]

Thats why it hurts so much, because it was intentional, they intended to hurt you. :( I've been betrayed too, 5 years ago. Im still getting episodes every now and then... I was kind of comforted with what she said that even though it was done to me,. it was not about me. :( I wish I could move forward as easy as others can.

[@medavi081]

⁠@@AnTeya15 I can tell you first hand, this is not something you just get over. My gf then, now wife of 5 years hurt me 7 1/2 years ago when we were dating (and it wasn’t cheating or anything like that, but they just put me in a situation to lose and left out all the key details that I needed in order to stay out of harms way) and after all these years of being completely fine from the trauma of being there, I recently saw a picture of the event on IG and now everything that I stored away for all these years came crashing right back and I’ve been spiraling in angry, rage, and sadness ever since. I know it wasn’t about me, and completely utterly about them, but the pain of it has gotten so bad that I’m literally looking at options for divorce from my wife as I write this... I love my wife, and we have two wonderful little boys and our life is perfect accept for this one thing that has stained us…so I recently just started therapy to help and I’m praying for a miracle everyday, but my biggest problem is that this is all her fault so how do you forgive someone for intentionally breaking your heart and putting you through all of this pain??? I pray therapy helps because otherwise I feel I have to leave her for my own happiness. The biggest thing is accepting the hurt and what happened in order to heal and the problem is I’m not sure that I can accept the initial act that has caused me so my pain including as I write this…

[@medavi081]

@@AnTeya15My gf (now wife of five years) put me in a place 7 1/2 years ago that we should have never been at and the only reason we were there is because she left out key details about the situation that would have changed us from going to never putting ourselves in that situation,but she intentionally deceived me so I would come and now it has damaged our relationship to the point where I’ve told her I want a divorce just yesterday. That last line is exactly the case. It was never about me, but unfortunately I’m the one who is left to suffer in silence for something that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I’m currently in therapy for this nightmare but it has done absolutely, positively nothing. I am praying to God for forgiveness but the truth is I can’t seem to accept that she did this nonsense to me and it’s ALL HER FAULT. I wish I knew how this story would end but in my mind she has ruined my life, our two young boys lives and her life all because she chose to intentionally deceive me about this situation all those years ago…I know she made a mistake but unfortunately it may cost all of us our perfect family/life. We have had one issue this entire relationship and it all comes back to this one moment she chose to leave out everything that has now plague our other then perfect life. The biggest thing I can say is, why should I rebuild and suffer for something that I didn’t create? Everyone has to make their choice but mine will cost me my family and the life that I was meant to have due to no fault of my own…It’s crazy right?

[@medavi081]

@@AnTeya15​​⁠My gf (now wife of five years) put me in a place 7 1/2 years ago that we should have never been at and the only reason we were there is because she left out key details about the situation that would have changed us from going to never putting ourselves in that situation,but she intentionally deceived me so I would come and now it has damaged our relationship to the point where I’ve told her I want a divorce just yesterday. That last line is exactly the case. It was never about me, but unfortunately I’m the one who is left to suffer in silence for something that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I’m currently in therapy for this nightmare but it has done absolutely, positively nothing. I am praying to God for forgiveness but the truth is I can’t seem to accept that she did this nonsense to me and it’s ALL HER FAULT. I wish I knew how this story would end, but in my mind she has ruined my life, our two young boys lives and her life all because she chose to intentionally deceive me about this situation all those years ago…I know she made a mistake and it was about her, but unfortunately it is about to ruin our perfect family and I’m going to lose everything due to no fault of my own.

[@CurlyToedShoes]

I believe not every betrayer does it intentionally, but many absolutely do, which is such a mind f for the vast majority of us!

[@martincamden9949]

TIME DOESN'T HEAL ALL WOUNDS IF YOU CAN'T STOP RUMINATING !!

[@DebiSilber]

Very true

[@nakeishahenry9261]

I cant stop ruminating and its driving me crazy

[@davidzaiser9929]

@@nakeishahenry9261 me too. Is this still a problem for you or did you get over it?

[@nakeishahenry9261]

@@davidzaiser9929 not over it but it's a tad better. But I KNOW it will get better cause it HAS TO eventually. I'm always looking for ways to get over it though other than looking for love again. No rebounds this time!

[@davidzaiser9929]

@@nakeishahenry9261 sorry I didn't realize your comment was only 3 days old. I have been ruminating for over a year....and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Lost my wife to divorce. She took my two daughters from me and I don't get to spend any time with them. I keep trying to think of what I could done differently.

[@colleenbishop2217]

Once my house is rebuild there's no letting the destroyer back in. That's my lesson learned.

[@letakeokuk5446]

@@AK-gk6sd But we are taught to not break the family bond. It’s difficult to get over familiar issues when they force you to engage with them during the holidays, birthdays etc.,

[@BlossomSabasan21]

same

[@tigerlilly5579]

I think it’s hardest when they are blood relatives: parents, sisters, brothers. The bonds go back to childhood and there’s so much guilt when you distance yourself.

[@spiritquest1909]

But who is the destroyer? It can be anyone. Like she says, not letting the destroyer back in may seen easy. Thats just too concrete. Destroyers come in all different shapes and sizes and genders.

[@elementalbuttahfly8510]

Amen!

[@Queenie8886]

I cried through that entire speech it was very moving to me. I loved someone for many years, someone who betrayed and hurt me so badly. I learned to heal through the trauma to be able to love myself and others again. It definitely made me stronger. I haven't been in a relationship in over 7 years. I rebuilt myself and chose to live and love my life.

[@staceylsg]

I had to pause the video due to my severe crying getting in the way of listening to any more. I just wish there was a better conclusion to the video, more information on how to do the transformation. I shamefully felt envy that she was able to just be with the same person again and grow. Mine died of an overdose. And there have been SO many others that have betrayed me. It's so painful I don't know what happiness is anymore.

[@beez991]

How did you learn to trust again?

[@janedoe12885]

​@@beez991 I recommend listening to Eckart Tolle. He's like a spiritual guru. Teaches us that our suffering is caused by our egos. Look him up, he's great.

[@jessicasilcox8522]

​@@staceylsg I clicked on the link in the bio and learned that this program unfortunately costs $1,000 to enroll in 😔 I was so hopeful listening to the speech so it is unfortunate for me as I can't afford that.

[@amoljamble2498]

🫂

[@annab8189]

Being betrayed gave me courage. I lowered my expectations and walked through life being my own best friend. Helped also by the line in the song ‘Me and Bobby Magee’ - “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”. It helped me to lighten up and break away from attachment.

[@janetamplin7318]

So me my best friends. Are me myself and I. And I luvvv it thank you never ever remarry. After the 1st marriage especially if children are involved. This 1st marriage with children will always. And so they should be The Family

[@mimis5140]

Perfect Song, I'm gonna go listen to it. I'm homeless due to a psychopath husband ...rough rough 26 yrs, I'm free to roam the planet!

[@colleenshea2293]

I believe there is real happiness in breaking free from some of the normative ideas around "attachment".

[@mistermobile2615]

I was just cheated on by my wife, an emotional affair, but an affair nonetheless. I f'n devastated and going through chemo treatments at the same time. How do I get away from attachment?

[@harmonyhero9509]

@@mistermobile2615 Practice detaching. I can feel the difference of when I am attached versus when I am not. When I feel myself starting to attach I say To myself I am detached with Love I am detached with love in my head and I feel my energy come back to me. So simple but it works!!

[@amandak126]

I feel so sorry for children who have experienced this , as a 40 year old woman, going through this has been the hardest thing ever

[@DebiSilber]

Yes Amanda-children are so hugely impacted by it as well.

[@Blonde111]

Easy for her to talk about. She had a partner who was willing to save his family. It worked out for her and thats wonderful. But for many, they are standing in the ruins, trying to live day by day.

[@MsSugarDyme]

The Hardest Thing Ever The End

[@The_Rude_French_Canadian]

I’d rather have had my heart broken at 20 yrs old rather than 35...

[@jonbulat1]

Agreed, though many children will repress and find it again later unfortunately. It's an evolutionary perk. At 40, we don't have that luxury/burden

[@DeviantMotives]

One relationship where I was really betrayed and hurt I literally look like I aged 10 years in one year. I really can’t believe I didn’t have a heart attack because of my profound grief. But after this last betrayal, I highly doubt I will ever be able to trust anyone again. There was no red flags with these betrayals. There’s no way of telling a good guy from a bad guy nowadays because they are such good liars

[@susanm1470]

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean. Have a relationship with yourself. I'm relearning who I am, self care for me. Hope this helps ❤

[@therealhealinginstitute]

Just a little tip, from a loving place, subconsciously you now expect it to happen. So it does and will continue to do so. Hypnotists can help with subconscious beliefs like this. Also can help you to heal the massive damage that has been put on you because of it. Love to you. Hope you are well.

[@ericephemetherson3964]

I was betrayed 30 years ago and I cannot shake it off up to date of 2022. So hard to trust now.

[@aungar2403]

I believe that betrayal is the mother of all pain. It's worse than any other abuse. It is unique. Betrayal is a narcissists game. Somehow they truly enjoy the setup and the take down. If they did it once they can do it again.

[@Lisa-eh1is]

People do lie excessively nowadays. It seems like it's normal to lie and being a liar is nothing to be ashamed of anymore.

[@brendastolecki4755]

...gets tattooed on your mind, your heart, AND YOUR SOUL. Something breaks inside you.

[@oliverposch666]

Im tattooing. Yes its true. There is still a solution. Cover Up. The same with your soul. Find a new story. CoverUp the old tattoo in your soul with a new chapter. Much love

[@royalacity]

I literally heard a "snap, crackle," in my head the moment I found out. I was on the floor crying, trying to LITERALLY grasp reality. I straight up felt my mind slipping and I was desperate to regain a grasp.

[@tedfinger]

You’re right. It rips your soul apart.

[@JF-cd5hc]

This exactly. Something broke inside me.

[@CurlyToedShoes]

So true.

[@Laura-vl6db]

Anger is one of the emotions I try to control. Betrayal shakes you to your core. The rug has been pulled from under you or spite you. It hurts. It’s fury. I was abandoned. Chewed up and spat out like gum. I heal changing my direction moving forward.

[@CountryBlossoms1]

Yes, I felt like I was "spat out like gum" too. I was deserted by my boyfriend as soon as he found out I was pregnant, over 41 years ago. I was 26, and he was 31....we were not kids. We both had good jobs. The week before I found out, we were looking in a Jewellery Shop window, as I was looking for a silver watch, and he was looking at Engagement rings...he said to me "I guess we don't really need to get engaged, as we have both been married before" - my head turned to him, and I said with a smile "So, is that a proposal?" and he said "Yes, well I guess it is" Within 10 days or so...he just did not want anything to do with me or his baby. I still cannot fathom his reaction. My daughter is now 41 years old. I went on to meet someone who wanted to be with me when I was 8 months pregnant, and he eventually adopted my daughter, and we got married when she was 18 months old. My daughter has known the true story of her biological father since the start, and has never wanted to meet him....so far. What he did to me almost completely broke me. I kept going because of the baby inside me.

[@susanm1470]

@@CountryBlossoms1 thank you for sharing

[@halonirvana]

Yea

[@cliftonwilliams7489]

Fun fact - if we're able to keep our nervous systems regulated we grieve appropriately for being betrayed and move past it pretty easily. But due to the PLETHORA of CPTSD and PTSD floating around from childhood trauma it's REALLY easy for many of us to get stuck in a vicious and dangerous cycle of Self-betrayal.

[@PeteyS.D.]

Sadly that's the situation I'm currently in.

[@tdarons]

Been there…many many times. I have lived alone for 28 years now. Only in recent years have I found a measure of peace and acceptance that I am better off alone.

[@Linzcampbell10]

This.

[@heidid418]

Betrayal has been 90% of my entire life. I trust very few people.

[@jojorenee]

Me too!

[@marktilford5871]

Heidi Being betrayed is gut wrenching, but there's power and victory and recovery that takes our lives to a new level we never imagined possible.

[@jeremymason8081]

It feels like that but it’s not true. You can heal

[@jonbulat1]

Most of are landed here for similar reasons. You are not alone, neither am i. Find positivity

[@solidwegy61]

Glad I'm not the only one

[@loricarrier3564]

I always describe what happened as if he was wearing a mask for 14 years, and then it fell off. I saw him. I saw this complete stranger

[@ganapatikitty]

A narcissist ? Wearing a mask that long ? Or what mask?

[@irenehernandez1715]

exactly... that was my ex of 2 yrs.. cheated.. even tho claimed he wasnt like other men told me he loved me constantly... he wasnt all bad but after that, i didnt know him anymore...

[@Michael19283]

WOW!!

[@regen1016]

I'm only 19 and still dealing with childhood trauma and bullying/alienation throughout my entire school career. I'm so filled with anger, can't stand being around strangers, feel like everyone outside of those i previously trusted is fake and maneuvered by bad intentions. Everyone tells me to just get over it. I feel like while I may be generally kind and willing to help others, I may never trust that anyone has good intentions with me specifically. However, this speech has given me some perspective and will hopefully help me with the healing process.

[@goldenlifelove7251]

Go to therapy to help u heal

[@MrJESUSISGREATEST]

Never reconcile with a betrayer under any circumstances.

[@dmo8843]

Did she seriously say that she got back with her betrayal because “they mentally built” a new house. This completely invalidated this Ted talks for me

[@RoosterMontgomery]

I don't recognize my betrayer as the person she used to be with me. That person died. All that's left is a familiar shell.

[@rockstarofredondo]

Yeah, she remarried the abuser. Straight crazy!

[@rockstarofredondo]

@@dmo8843 totally. This is batty!

[@kathlenesims767]

Not our job to forgiveforgive everybody say go back for more but forgive to move on baggage working through it I'm trying really hard train by my brother my husband my children and many relatives and best friends forgiveness this it can be done if you do you will be happy

[@goinggaga4ladygaga]

I will never be who I was before betrayal, but I wasn’t happy then either, so I’m going to rebuild myself and my life and be intentional with my progress and my decisions and not let life just happen to me.

[@shelleydooney3720]

I was very happy when I met the narc, happiest and healthiest I'd been in years. I was excited about dating at 50, thinking it would be fun.

[@riyagarg6306]

Betrayal taught me that life is very unpredictable and nothing is constant, everything and everyone changes.

[@JJ33438]

Betrayal is not just about the pain...it can result in the end of the relationship and the requirement to "begin a new way of life"! The consequences of betrayal actually create PTSD in the victim and the world does not recognize it. If the victim has children its even worse. And if the victim cannot afford to leave the cheater..the betrayer...OMG then the PTSD is even worse.

[@redarbz6545]

It is hard, your body aches, every look is of disgust, you feel it in your core.. it vibrates in your whole body and takes all your energy, it hurts you not your spouse with such intensity... It's traumatic, choking, and more importantly life-changing.. There no coming back from it, some core belief has been broken and it can't be fixed... and there is no positive transformation from it only the bad comes afterwards..

[@kamalbhandari5059]

I can't afford to leave! I dying everyday from last 7 months

[@jonathanbecker8935]

You're so right! It's totally a new trauma which no one really acknowledges. It can be abusive too. Esp when there's been gaslighting at times when you noticed things and called them out, only to hear denials and claims of innocence. Gaslighting IS emotional abuse on its face. When they STILL refuse to admit to behaviors which cause pain for their spouse. It's just brutal. Getting through it is brutal. And living your life at the same time you're trying to get through it is so hard. It's probably pretty normal to feel like you just want to give up. If for no other reason then to make the pain go away. Because the pain can be so unrelenting.

[@zoolzool1]

@@jonathanbecker8935 You can't make people "see" anything. Not what they're doing or how wrong it is or what it does to other people. You do have control over your own life. Leave. Move on. Transform. One step at a time. No matter where you're at right now, keep going. I guarantee you, you're worth it.

[@micasilver210]

@@kamalbhandari5059 pray to the Lord Jesus to save your soul and show you the way. He will give you strength,...your time will come. Will!

[@juliec8474]

She literally explains what I couldn't... It is so difficult to put emotions into words. Bless you and Thank you

[@dagifelner9298]

Yes, same there. So amazing

[@BrendaGreen]

Ditto

[@mohagedi6539]

How

[@jachin5177]

I felt so alone and ashamed until she said others have felt the effects of a betrayal for years. I have been suffering since 2018 ever since my ex fiance cheated and ghosted, leaving me with no answers or context. This has been wreaking havoc within me, and people keep saying "its been years! How can you still hold on?! Move on!" I always felt ashamed when I was told that because I never had an answer, but I also never knew how to let go. I know im not alone, and im just begining to understand the depth of what im going through and how its affected and changed me as a person, and how ive let it ruin potential relationships. I wont lie, i shed a tear listening to this video. It hit so close to home. These videos randomly popped up on KZbin and i have never even thought to search for answers before. How does one heal? What steps should I begin to take? Ive accepted the old me is dead, and I have to rebuild from this new me. Damaged, scared to let others in. Bitter and cynical, and more introverted.

[@krunalbhatt110]

bro you have my back, whatever you have described here happens with me just 4 months before. i may not have long experience as you do but believe me it's the worst i have felt till date and never again. i don't know how long i can survive this but only reason i am still alive is i am scared of committing suicide.

[@jachin5177]

@krunalbhatt110 do you need a friend? I'll gladly talk to you and support you and we can get over this together. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Nobody deserves that kind of pain and trauma.

[@krunalbhatt110]

@@jachin5177 sure buddy. Even these kind words are also welcome ! I am from India where are you from?

[@jachin5177]

@krunalbhatt110 I'm from the USA. You wanna talk on here or elsewhere? You have discord?

[@emd5095]

❤️ I’m sorry,

[@danielleg2616]

Betrayal is a painful trauma that I just can't seem to heal. It hurts me a year later as I think about it often. The betrayer had absolutely no remorse and went on went their life like nothing ever happened. I know God is watching and is full of compassion for those of us that have been betrayed and hurt for no reason

[@jillvasquez7827]

Do you heal? I continue forward but heal…not sure..

[@susankrolow5139]

"Even though it was done to you... it wasn't about you." PROFOUND.

[@Nicbascan]

This is the most important thing to remember!! Really good point.

[@casedinlight]

I don't really understand this in my case. I was intentionally excluded from my base ball team every game because of my ability. It WAS about me.

[@tronlady1]

So who is it about then? I really want to understand but this is coming across like nonsense?

[@osnapitzennu]

@@tronlady1 i understood it this way, that the person who betrayed you probably didn't do it for the reason of ripping your soul out, but because they themselves had issues, and didn't know how to deal with the situation. They chose their own comfort and feelings over yours. But this says more about them, than you. The betrayal was their inability to meet you halfway, and it doesn't define you in any way. I hope i explained it good enough..

[@tronlady1]

@@osnapitzennu brilliant thankyou

[@examelizza-zf3xg]

Every word rips me apart.. there wasnt anything more tortuous than his betrayal over and over .

[@jelenazoric9300]

There are so many types of betrayals...But talking about betrayal in relationships..There is no way I would re-marry a person who cheated. Life is too short and precious for me to wonder .... Broken trust can never be fully fixed.

[@daisychain4503]

Agreed, when someone shows you who they are, believe them and move on

[@SamP1888]

@@daisychain4503 but then she says she remarried her husband. hmm.

[@FreckledGemini]

D P Unfortunately I always see how I can help and sacrifice myself. Don’t with that 💩

[@oliverposch666]

I had two in 2019.......my now ex girlfriend with affair and best friend...... Dont resist the pain, accept it, accept that you made a mistake by letting in the wrong people in your life and listen to your intuition.

[@klmac3721]

She didn't say he 'cheated on her'; betrayal takes many forms.

[@beckwilde]

The first 2 minutes is how I've been feeling for the past two weeks and she worded the emotional turmoil from betrayal perfectly. Not too long ago, I experienced betrayal and was blindsided by someone who I thought would never be capable of doing so. I was wrong. I'm questioning myself, questioning everything he's ever said or done, questioning who he is as a person. Why are relationships worth it at all?

[@unwujoh]

*☝️He was able to give me access to my partner device🙏*

[@dreamer7157]

how are you doing now?

[@susanhardin5182]

Taught me the ONLY place i can trust is in Jesus. He's never let me down ❤

[@racaciaruth4460]

Absolutely right about betrayal : it was done to you and it's not about you. Take the broken glass and fix it beautiful, better than before and live again. Amen, healing does come. Thank you 🙏.

[@marvinasimswewinqueendom2543]

“Rebuilding is always a choice.” Beautiful speech!

[@cmnr8487]

it can be a bad choice.

[@Michael19283]

One thing I've learned is when people kick you to the curb, it speaks about them. It is not necessary that you feel bad about yourself.

[@KIMBA1222SPIRITUALAWAKENING]

So true, I have transformed. The pain is like no other. Yet you find a way, for me that way is Jesus.

[@txxx5639]

It's so easy to get side tracked :( thank you for highlighting the way! Jesus! 🙏🏼 it helped me that you shared. God bless!

[@adrianlanief85]

Clout

[@nayrtnartsipacify]

Jesus is part of the betrayal of the anglo saxons to the other germanic tribes. We used be something more like Hindus than Christians. I blame the italians.

[@artphotography9158]

Me too! God finally did a miracle and took panic attacks away whenever I would see or hear the betrayer. I know God gave me a break to finally live again since I was stuck and afraid. Even if God didn’t take the panic attacks away God has been the most amazing comfort and help through all the years of pain and betrayal

[@jjsmama401]

Amen! That, plus learning to be your own best friend. And having a dog or cat helps too! 😀

[@russellhowell9854]

You've got to come to the understanding that that betrayal is a flaw in their character not yours. You've got to break that viscious chain. Same applies to so many other situations in life. Learn from your experiences in life and adjust your mental mindset in a way to prevent it from happening again. Plus, always trust your gut.

[@sanjanagrover7436]

Yesss

[@RosieTime_]

I started crying when this clip started. Yes I was betrayed just like you, by family then by someone I loved and trusted. Of course I internalized it and pain became a habit.

[@oliviaswann4686]

I internalised narcissistic abuse too. I understand

[@mikey92362]

The analogy about rebuilding the destroyed house! Wow! It's been 8 months since my wife betrayed and left me and her family after 25 years of marriage. If it wasn't for the kids and my elderly parents needing me, I would have ended my life. I still fantasize about doing it to make the pain stop. The house story made me feel like I don't wish I was dead for the first time in 8 months, even though the feeling was only for a brief moment, it still helps a lot because now I know that wanting to live and move forward is actually possible. After months of people giving "advice," this is the first and only thing I've found helpful.

[@mimidramos]

Mike, I don't know if you're a christian but check the book 'How God can and will restore your marriage' (Erin Thiele) and Restore Ministries International.

[@mikey92362]

@@mimidramos Yes I am a Christian, but nothing can be restored if the wife is gone. It's good though. Time really does heal all wounds. I'm feeling better every day. Thanks! :)

[@divyatasinghrathore1550]

Same here Mike, I did discover my self though post the trauma. The core values I stand for & set in place some boundaries, hobbies that I enjoy. Rebuild & redefine, while doing so do notice your limiting beliefs & annihilate them.

[@carolmaz8675]

Be strong for your children . Partners come and go never put your happiness in someone else’s hands . Your children are the most important thing they need a stable parent .. forget someone whose cheated they just were not meant to be with you long term . One door closes another opens . Put all your energy and love into your children and encourage them to be happy . If your happy they will be happy they pick up on things .. life moves on never give your happiness to anyone else to control .. happiness comes from within then new things appear . Stay positive look up manifesting x good luck 😊

[@Larrymopac]

Mike God bless you

[@madeinsicily6335]

31 Male been in a relationship with an abusive narcissist woman for 3 years (living together)...she manipulated me so much that I was not able to see all the bad things that she would do to me, (lies, psychological abuse, cheating etc) at the point that I was blaming myself for everything. As a 6'2 bearded, tattooed and muscular man I was so ashamed of myself cuz society teaches us that men can't be abused and especially if you look like me you can't be abused but most likely you are the abuser, so I never really opened up with anybody about this as I knew that the only reply that I would get would have been "Man up", or nobody would have believed me for the way that I look as a masculine man. Plus I don't live in my country so my family and closest friends were not there, I was basically by my own and dealing with it. I was daily humiliated in many ways but I was not able to understand it or if I was recognizing some behaviors of hers were "not fine" I was always thinking that was my fault...many ppl would say "why didn't leave her?" but I was blind like many ppl who are abused.... 2 and 1/2 years ago finally after yet another abuse I found the strenght to leave her. But since then, I found out how those 3 years broken me and how broken I am still...can't trust any woman, I never date or hang out or deal with a woman never since.

[@raquelarrojo8377]

Believe that you are one of the lucky ones. You are learning about relationships. Only 3 years, you were able to leave, lucky you didn't have children or had married already. I know it is painful to experience what you have, but you are out of it now and you are young and free.

[@shcoryell879]

Your contents really struck my heart. I hope you are doing better now. If not, please find a coach, a counselor or some books on emotional healing to help you find your way out of this thought process. You sound like a wonderful person who has much to give and much to be able to enjoy in the right relationship. A good life coach could help you change the thoughts that have trapped you in this mindset. There are good women out there if you look in the right places.

[@vanessarenae5169]

Please don't let her win! There are many beautiful and loving woman out there that have a heart of gold like you. ❤️

[@evelynarrow2108]

I’m 35 blonde woman with a kind heart. Have 2 beautiful kids. I’ve been with their narcissist father for 6 years. He cheated on me when I was pregnant emotionally and physically. He cheated every year after emotionally I found pics/texts with random strangers. I had girls text me and telling me what he was doing. I’ve been humiliated completely. I feel so awful. I know I can’t marry him (we engaged) I am scared about becoming a single mum tho.

[@jb-ze1yh]

@@evelynarrow2108 my sons father left me when I was pregnant only to find out ( after we tried again to make it work) that he was still seeing the girl. I never knew about her origins but it was so hurtful. I’m a single mom and sooooo happy now. I never have to worry about him cheating on me again, lying to me, misusing my trust. And now our son can see a healthy mother and know that happiness exists in life!!! You can do this! 🙏🙏

[@juniorjensen]

the disillusionment of the first time I really had someone close to me betray my trust was overwhelming. I'm glad that people like Debi are out there helping people with this.

[@Ms.Raven_Bastet]

I was severely betrayed by someone I loved for 7 years. It's amazing how delusional I allowed myself to be. The person I cared so deeply about was nothing what I thought he was at all. He should have been an actor...he missed his true calling.

[@sandrastubbs581]

I have walked in the those exact shoes...

[@Boniggy2500]

Same here except its been 17yrs and we have 3 kids. I just cant believe my wife did what she did and stepped out of the marriage. She had so many options but chose the wrong path.

[@pattyyuraitis5071]

You must heal/transform from betrayal not only for oneself, but also for those who have always genuinely loved you. I'm grateful for the growth 💜

[@sori6196]

beautiful thought, thank you. yes, indeed. we tend to forget about those people, or take them for granted...

[@lightofall]

Im yet to experience being loved by another human

[@Joebloe-be5rw]

The woman that betrayed me was NEVER supposed to be capable of such a thing. Known by everyone in her community and loved by all. Amazing friendships to lots of women throughout her life that still think of her as their best friend. Respected and trusted by all of her work colleagues. The woman that NOBODY would EVER think could do something like this, me included. Until I saw that email on her phone to a person I work with. I knew right away it wasn't right. I opened it and it said, "Goodnight handsome". And that's when all of my realities were gone and pain took their place. 5 years ago.

[@zimri1323]

I can relate. Everyone says the same thing. "I can't believe she would do that", yeah and so did I. That's the painful part. We remember them for who we thought they were and not who they actually were.

[@vincezetti7216]

these hoes aint loyal

[@Cowkill]

Same experience here. She made a 180° shift in her personality; nobody could have seen that coming, even me.

[@Leescreativeart]

I’m in the hot seat right now. Wife had an affair 5 years ago and that was disastrous enough but hung in there. Last week I find out that the dude and his new wife have been calling and talking and going to lunch with my wife behind my back and in secret. Not just to me but to them. She lied and said I was ok with them going out…. WTH. Anywho. Back to therapy😅😂🎉

[@anonymoususer7438]

@@Leescreativeartyou need to leave brother

[@mrgreyman3358]

I was betrayed by family, and at an early age, I knew that I could only rely on me.

[@marywolfe6598]

I do wonder if we really ever know someone! Even Peter betrayed Jesus and so did Judas! Think about that! The truth is when you give your heart to the the wrong person...pain is coming. I lacked discernment and ignored red flags because I was starved for love and didn't know it. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I was not seen or acknowledged and I was bullied and discounted by my siblings. I was never loved for just being me. God help us all. God loves each one of us unconditionally. I'm letting myself be o.k. With that.

[@keithstewart7514]

Mary Wolfe ditto. Starting the healing process at 55 y.o.age. 56 now, 57 close

[@mcmjr405]

Betrayal is part of the plan. Never mind knowing others, I’m learning to only know myself and God. After that what we can accept and what isn’t acceptable anymore becomes clear. That includes betrayals by others and perhaps their motives for making such choices because ultimately that is what it comes down to. It’s easy to judge ourselves in our intentions and others for their actions.

[@charlene2349]

I ignored red flags for the same exact reason.

[@MrsOctober-kc5de]

Mary Wolfe Same story as me. 38 and I'm recognizing the abuse I went through with my mother, and all the narcissist relationships I've had. I'm learning and healing.

[@leesteal4458]

So sad to hear. I am the opposite. I was always loved. Now I am having a hard time handling not betrayal but something worst- it's called wickedness.

[@jjhall5565]

My heart hurts so badly, no words can describe

[@DebiSilber]

I get it and you deserve to heal.

[@jjhall5565]

@@DebiSilber I love my savor but I feel so lost and it hurts so badly to she her move on after investing so much of me and so many hundreds of thousands to restore everything broken in her life she never looked back. I destroyed

[@cathylivingston368]

I understand. I liken my experiences as a tsunami that I saw coming, tried to get out of the way. It unbelievably doubled in size and overwhelmed not just my home, but my entire world. After it passed, there was nothing to rebuild, nothing to rebuild with. I had no choice but to carry on, but with what? I know in my heart who I am, what I've done, and what I haven't done. There is nothing, at all, anyone can say that will change that. As a result, I no longer "need" anyone in my life to validate my identity, and I am finally free, and at peace with myself and the world.

[@shansational1803]

Ah, you remind me of a similar dream. We swam out to meet the wave and later danced on a suitcase. Several weeks later the same boardwalk appeared rebuilt by others, but I was only visiting.

[@treemoon6394]

Wow.

[@joanwiddoes5993]

God is in the storm

[@bliss2bliss]

Exactly. Beautifully said. I feel the same. I don't need anyone to validate my Identity and I don't need their fake love. And I came to conclusion that the idea of trusting someone is the most ridiculous and overpromoted thing ever because a trust is simply a hope, your misty expectation backed up by another misty promise flying somewhere in the wind like a leaf. And we are being blinded by their empty words and becoming weak and naive instead of being vigilant and taugh. Trusting someone is a gamble and I blame my mother for teaching me this absurd about trusting people. The same goes for idiotic Hollywood movies showing such happy families and super heroes husbands and dads. When you really start analysing this you come to conclusion that the idea of marriage or just living with someone is destined for failure from the very start because is based on a false promise of trust. I feel like I've escaped from a fairy tale and now live in reality. :-)

[@jeffbottaro9882]

The insightful distinction between 'resiliency' and 'transformation' is beautiful. The preservationists (resiliency), the evolutionists (transformation), and the revolutionists (unknowable change through discontinuity) are assembled and defined. The last category was not clarified in this talk, but is worthy of representation: The tornado levels your sacred abode, and you become consciously and deliberately nomadic. Nothing recognizable remains of you, but you are more alive by countless metrics than you were before.

[@kel8129]

My initial thought was that resiliency meant being able to withstand disasters, storms and pop up crises. I agree about the transformational analogy though. 😙

[@HTNPSullivan]

Really beautifully stated. Thank you.

[@King-tf6nk]

Masterfully articulated, Accurate and truthfully put. You owned that post bruh 🎯👉🏽💪🏼

[@rickpelland3768]

I was betrayed over and over against my wishes, and need for a genuine apology and change, i had a cannon in my mouth bc if the one i loved was able to do this, everyone would, then the double let down of not being able to talk to the one i loved about something. And the triple let down of our newborn son being introduced to all of her side supplies when she gets bored. Pulling the trigger felt like what to do bc theres no fix to this bs life post betrayal. My sons sweet little face helped me through the dark times and i think of him wherever he is, when the pain starts to win.

[@Nopety-Nope]

What I find hard about this talk, is that it almost sounds like the betrayal was a positive thing. I can think of many non-betrayal ways that can lead to a good transformation. Don't get me wrong, I found this quite useful. But one thing that makes it hard to do great after betrayal, is if the betrayer thinks they did a good thing to you after all.

[@mechillewedel3968]

This ^^^^

[@MP-gw5kw]

I could understand this. It’s like you want to say it turned out to be a good thing as it transformed you for the better, the change you absolutely needed; but don’t want to give credit to the betrayer. That’s where I’m at.

[@Nopety-Nope]

@@MP-gw5kw I am sorry you are there. I had my bout with betrayal in December 2019. At least that is when all things started coming to light. All my memories that were good from a certain timeframe seemed slaughtered by betrayal. The hardest thing I did was stay with my spouse. It was incredibly hard for me to start getting through. 2 years later I still burn inside with reminders. It has been tough. I absolutely will not stay if it happens again. My heart can't do it. I hope this isn't you, and I hope it gets better for you and that you can separate good memories from bad, unlike me. I hope all good things happen to you, and that the betrayer truly learns from this.

[@melodiechi6940]

Yes. I understand that our lives are in our own hands once the trauma is done. But too many people have assigned "meaning" to my traumas. "See? You're so strong. Your experiences made you more resilient," "Everything happens for a reason." No. Trauma is never justified.

[@noosterdan7136]

I started having a bad taste in my mouth after minute 5:35. "if we don't learn the profound lesson that betrayal was there to teach, we get repeat betrayal" sounds really close to victim blaming. After that the entire talk feels like promoting something i would never buy from the speaker.

[@alexandriascott4656]

It’s really messed up when your own mother betrays you for no reason. It’s been a painful nightmare and a hellish experience to know that the one person in the whole wide world who was suppose to have your back never did.

[@chellefell1331]

yes. i have no words. i just agree wholeheartedly. that betrayal is one i cant describe

[@lunabetul9590]

Same here sis

[@rajubandi3607]

Thank you. I can't even express these words.

[@jonahshriver3358]

You're not alone.

[@SHurd-rc2go]

Betrayed by both parents, so screwed up forever re: relationships. Never mind therapy. Thankful for good friendships.

[@sugandhasinghal]

It's taken me 15 years to accept the betrayal and the fact that my only fault was to allow it to get so personal. His loss, not mine. I have learnt how to love myself, accept myself and live for myself! 🎉❤ And, as I learnt to give unconditional love to all (not foolishly) it has set me free! Love yourself folks!

[@julieu4341]

I was really connecting with this until the moment she said she remarried him! What?? All that healing & grieving just to take back the cheater ? No way. Once there’s betrayal, it’s over for good for me. I’m divorcing after 23 yrs married. Cheating & betrayal is unforgivable and nothing can reverse those actions.

[@goldenmeanphaseconjunction313]

It hurts to be hurt, it’s also painful to never let trust live again.

[@julieu4341]

@@goldenmeanphaseconjunction313 Trust can live again, but in a new relationship, not with the one who betrayed your trust. It will never be the same no matter what you do. Trust is very fragile. That’s my personal feeling on it.🙏🏼

[@goldenmeanphaseconjunction313]

@@julieu4341 I hear ya.... have any children? Lol I hear ya I hear ya.

[@ashleylucente2741]

I disagree. Just because that was the case for you, doesn't mean it is that way for everyone. Lots of couples heal and find happiness in their marriage again and eventually build trust. It is understandable if that's not what you chose, but some people are able to make changes and start anew.

[@darylburnet8328]

Agreed. My father always said sorry to Mum but continued to beat her up physically and mentally. She is dead, he is alive.

[@ronster794]

the way she describes the feeling made tear up. it's never easy to overcome the pain of betrayal.

[@harperleigh1709]

Debi thanks for explaining the significant difference between resilience and transformation. People suffering from PTSD needs to be transformed not coached in resilience.

[@Overtonl1234]

It’s really hard not to harbor hatred in your heart after you are betrayed but I think the best way to handle it is to work on yourself, rebuild your life and heal. Don’t go back and don’t allow anyone who cares so little about you to block you from the life you want, whatever that is. I think coming to terms with the fact that the person you thought you knew is not that person at all can be one of the most difficult parts because you keep waiting for the person you knew to return. I completely agree that it leaves you confused and angry and feeling like the mask just fell off. Trying to be the best person you could be to someone is not a fault that you have, you just need to make sure that you make a better choice next time. I’ve had to live these kinds of situations so many times in life and it’s so exhausting. Life doesn’t end because someone didn’t appreciate or love you but it definitely makes you more cautious when you’re dealing with others in general.

[@DebiSilber]

Some betrayers never wake up, some (after losing it all) realize how badly they messed up and do whatever it takes to make it right-you only see it after it occurs.

[@sanashams8864]

the thing and problem is we don't know how to heal....we talk about it every timr...like i want to study.. i try to.. but then as soon as i strt studying and open my book... everything just burst into my mind and it won't go away untill i get so frustrated that i just want to scream and shout..and i get a severe headache... this has been my routine since two months... i read 5 pages and comes to know that i wasn't even mentally there.. then i have to go back on those pages to reread them... how can i just control my mind not think about them... each fight and each strugglejust flashes into my mind as soon as i open my book and then i can't even see bcs of the tears in my eyes... i will die like this OMG

[@sanashams8864]

and the plus in all this is that the cheaters are happy in their lives...

[@natashawilson1687]

I would have never thought she was going to say that she was able to rebuild a new relationship with her husband after betrayal. That is so hopeful. I know that is not always possible, but in a world that would have told you to move on and find someone who truly loves you, etc, hardly anyone has the hope to believe that true reconciliation is possible. Of course, both parties must be willing. That is so encouraging.

[@CHICKENLIFE336]

I want the same, we both want the same. Pray for us that we make it through to the other side

[@shovitaroy]

Each and every word of this video are literally so true and relatable. I was betrayed by the person I never thought I'd be and I was totally shattered from inside. And well, this happened to me, just yesterday. My body, heart and mind were in unbearable pain. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe and on top of that, I already am diagnosed with anxiety for 3 years. But this video right here gave me a ray of hope and a bit of peace. Thanks a million!

[@andrearadford8280]

Please ask for help. Something this painful and traumatic needs someone who will walk through this with you. I don't think it can be done alone. Not many people understand so I would seek out a counsellor or therapist. It will help believe me. God bless

[@shovitaroy]

@@andrearadford8280 thank you so much for caring stranger. You're so kind, this really made my day.

[@fruitypopwhickle6806]

It feels so good hearing you describe all the hurt and emotions my heart has been through.Very validating and cathartic.

[@alexisk360]

I feel exploited and I don’t know how to let go of the resentment. Knowing they’re okay..

[@DebiSilber]

Zara-It's a process and that energy needs to be spent on your healing vs. them.

[@alexisk360]

@@DebiSilber trying..

[@PC-sq9oc]

Do you really believe 'they' are 'ok'? If you have been the person receiving the betrayal.....the person handing it out can be very broken as I am truly seeing and learning in my own process of recovery from this from someone I thought was my forever (33+ years together)....hurts, but learning to be strong for ME and not be the one to always pick him up....hope you find your peace...

[@moniquewatson6231]

You might need to look at coaching or therapy. You need a place to feel safe and process your pain. Trying to remember that it’s not about you it’s a choice someone else made. This sounds cheesy but it is a fact. Time does not heal wounds but what you do in and during that time is very important. You can not allow the pain to turn into bitterness, it will eat you from the inside out. Try to find things that make you smile and laugh.

[@evearcana2392]

Neurofeedback therapy love - reprogram your mind

[@stevenawad3405]

Week 1 of being betrayed by my girlfriend, it was gut wrenching. A feeling I honestly have never felt and would not wish on anyone. Doing a post betrayal challenge and giving myself 6 months to transform feeling like this and my life after watching this video by accident.

[@amehta23]

Dealing with that after 24 years of marriage. Week 1 was very painful, week 2 still numb..

[@maxwoodcock1860]

How are you holding up?

[@Glamy001]

How did it play out? Does it get better? Did you end the Relationship or sticked to it?

[@blockchainbobisbroke]

I really admire that she found a constructive way of dealing with that betrayal!

[@CG-ll9js]

I don’t tolerate narcissistic jerks who repeatedly mistreat you!

[@fleurpeffer5212]

"Why would u build the same house?!" 9:11 YEAH!! This is how you know youve healed from betrayal: 10:43

[@paulmoore7064]

So- I got over my betrayal, the loss of the woman I loved, and finally learned to trust and love, only to be betrayed again. Now I'm cold and empty.

[@TheRonskins]

😔😔😔😔

[@SP-li7wn]

❤️

[@drewmarcum6481]

Dust yourself off. Take a look at Gregory red pill mens health, im in the club too. 10 years, emotional blackmail.

[@moniquewatson6231]

The fact that you were able to forgive and move forward says a lot more about who you are and who you can be. Give yourself credit for that. Some people never recover. Why give someone the ability to change you.... to turn you cold and angry. People who love hard can hurt hard. Time will never heal the wounds . What you do with that time is key. Don’t destroy yourself.

[@sherapontaoe3214]

I get it. Give yourself all you have for YOU!!

[@caraswan7497]

When I first saw the title of your Ted Talk, I thought, "Oh, I have to listen to this! I was hopeful for some fresh, new introspection on the devastating trauma caused by the betrayals of people with whom you believed you shared love & trust... BUT, I was so disappointed by the ending & I have to wonder: If you hadn't had a husband who was willing to rebuild with you, who'd blindsided you by leaving to be with someone else & with whom you never spoke again, would you be speaking with such hope & enthusiasm for the future? I think NOT! You are speaking now about a past trauma that you believe you rose up from & sincere congrats to you, BUT I think you also need to understand that you're looking at your past betrayal from a place that MOST of us DO NOT experience. What if you're husband had left your life for good!? AND because of several of decades of childhood trauma followed by numerous blindsides by your family, you are no alone & have no one with whom you feel completely safe!? Somehow I don't think your perspective would be so joyful...

[@MrCph2200]

Thank you!!

[@brendagregoryyuen4923]

Yes - this is where I am with my extended family. It feels like they have nothing left for me - they cannot see their destruction (I was left to deal with that on my own and I did). And for ten years I kept reaching out and hoping. But that hope was all one-sided. And now I just have to accept that a relationship is two-sided or it isn't a relationship (even if you are family). So that is my work now. To accept what is and move on. Not easy when it's your siblings, aunts, cousins, etc. This is what happens in families where there is abuse and dysfunction and that is the "normal" and you one day realize you can NOT accept that normal for your own children. Life can really be intensely hard and punishing.

[@sophiangobeni6523]

The transformation that she speaks of I think it shouldn't be about the next person, but about yourself, are the people who hurt worthy of you living in misery? I finally understand why forgiveness is said to be for ourselves and not our perpetrators, if you believe you're worthy of a joyful life then it makes no sense to poison your soul with resentment. Pour into yourself and absolve yourself from people's actions because it was done to you, but was never about you especially a cheating spouse, they cheat to satisfy themselves and their insatiability has nothing to do with you, and if the betrayal is from family or friends then their actions are by-products of their souls and their personal traumas which has nothing to do with you. I pray you find healing and comfort.

[@granniefromky]

@@realitywave yes, but cats.

[@ajolly79]

@@granniefromky Same!

[@katrienkarsen]

I like that someone is trying to spread awareness about this, I've known a lot of people who just get stuck in that post-betrayal place and completely shut down emotionally, such a shame

[@Mike-cr4pl]

Finally a name that makes sense..I was betrayed by my job, wife and circle of friends in a span of 14 months...that was 10 yrs ago..im still struggling to come to terms with it..I was a happy extrovert who went to a complete recluse..precovid. it really sucks..

[@Mike-cr4pl]

@@realitywave my dog is my best friend, as was every dog ive ever had. The best saying ive ever read was " be the person your dog thinks you are." ✌

[@fastingtrucker1776]

My 12 year old asked me what's the worst pain I've ever felt. It's not getting beat down in a fight or loosing my brother but getting my heart ripped out by a girl.

[@siempresuze]

This brought me to tears 😢 so powerful. I’m in love with the person that betrayed me the most and he is the father of my son. And this is my second attempt at trying to rebuild with him. And what’s ironic is, my lack of trust is no longer in him … but myself 😞 but going in this time with better tools. Stronger communication skills and an openness to see things from his perspective. My strength and love to anyone trying to repair a broken connection ♥️

[@goldenlifelove7251]

Stop going back to him & trying to mske ot work! I'm sure you're in part "trying for the sake of the child" which really doesn't help the child in the long run. Learn to be at peace w/ not being with him & raising your son healthily in a co-parent situation.

[@raeannaroylance5401]

“I was wounded in the house of my friends.” -Jesus Christ

[@melissaengland63]

You said it. My husbands been cheating with my best friend for 3 yrs. When he was caught he immediately packed a bag & left. Then he and my friend blamed me for

[@raeannaroylance5401]

@@melissaengland63 that sounds terrible I’m so sorry😞

[@ferniegutierrez5605]

@@raeannaroylance5401 Are you talking about Jesus of Nazareth? Do you have a Bible Verse for that?

[@raeannaroylance5401]

@@ferniegutierrez5605 Zechariah 13:6 “And one shall say unto him, What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.”

[@nunya257]

@@melissaengland63 Truly horrific. Betrayal is always about the betrayer. Don’t accept any blame. They both could have handled it very differently, even if it still meant the end of your marriage and they ended up together. I don’t care if you are the most difficult person imaginable, they are still both completely at fault. I hope you’re able to move beyond and grow from it.

[@kwgrid]

A sense of betrayal can come from an erroneous concept of life or a particular person. It's a subjective thing. When there are experiences of multiple betrayals from differing contexts, the concept of self and life can disintegrate. Putting all those pieces back together when resources are lacking is no small feat when at the same time you are required to function, to perform, to make a living, to raise a child. All the while you're desperate to avoid breaking down to such a degree that you must be hospitalized. There are many people I'm sure that deserve Oscars for their performances...sometimes over decades.

[@joannfranks7592]

I relate to this comment on all levels ❤️

[@kwgrid]

@@joannfranks7592 My heart goes out to you.

[@vica8756]

I suffer from this 100%, everyone in my life has let me down. Family, Parents,relationships… everyone. It’s just sad

[@Spartan-Of-Truth]

Same. I’ve been isolated almost completely for about 3 years now.

[@kavithaganesan-y1l]

​@@Spartan-Of-Truth how r u now brother ?

[@kavithaganesan-y1l]

​@@Spartan-Of-Truthcurrently I'm facing a very tough situation bro recently I found out that my wife was cheated me again even though I forgive her last time .I think it's d time to leave her but we have a 2years old daughter I can't live without her and I'm so confused right now I don't know what to do .....

[@franzabananza]

I love how she got straight to the point

[@JaiRemi]

"Trauma is the set up for Transformation" !!! Greatest line!

[@miskatonicuniversityavclub202]

Never forgive a partner who betrays. Never trust anyone 100% either. Always always always Have a backup plan without them.

[@musikeradaw]

The speaker went back to her husband though 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@miskatonicuniversityavclub202]

@@musikeradaw yeah not smart. People do not change. They can change habits, lifestyle etc but certain attributes like the ones missing when someone cheats and lies, that doesn't change. If someone is a low value person, they remain that way.

[@16gambit16]

​@@miskatonicuniversityavclub202 that's not necessarily true. People can follow therapy and grow. But that's also a choice

[@sheripalmer3192]

Wow! Just the message I needed to hear. I was betrayed by my employer after 17 years. Thank you for the powerful message.

[@MrCph2200]

Oh me too!! Or actually it was another boss in our club. I’m so sorry for you. But it’s relieving to know you are not the only one in the world. Almost all people experience it in marriage

[@morgancollier6184]

Hearing this expressed in words has truly given me the insight and validation I needed to begin a new aspect of my healing journey. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you 🙏

[@LayAnn]

This speech made me understand so much. My husband used his bad habit for many years, and neglected to tell me of his bad habit. So once I figured it out, I was so angry and that was almost 10yrs ago. The worse part is, there is very little change. Sure, maybe the habit stopped, but our marriage has not improved much. Her speech gave me the validation to know that it completely demolishes u as a person and all the emotions I feel are totally normal and valid. This helps me know that I can re build bigger and better. My whole life has been a series of 1 trauma after another. Im sick of the hurt and the pain. I wanna enjoy life and be happy. When do I get my share of happy?! I have been in so much pain for so long, my creative nature is gone. It rarely is resurrected. It affects every aspect of my life. Im the girl who caters to everyone else because Ive been hurt so much, I dont want to make them hurt if I can help it. I still love my husband, but this aspect I cant live with.

[@pamelaleland2014]

Honey, please check out CODA - you’re not alone, and it’s not ok to remain a doormat. Speaking as a recovering codependent doormat… Healthy Boundaries - make them, maintain them, enforce them. You Are Worthy. Start Now.

[@cherylduckworth8185]

Sounds like me. I thought it was the leaving that hurt. It's the betrayal that's lingering

[@tommypowell2001]

Betrayal will always be an open festering wound that no amount of emotional or psychotherapy plasters can ever cover up let alone heal it is the evilest of sins!

[@humanwiggle]

"When you heal from your betrayal, you learn to love again, trust again, feel safe again, open your heart again. When you heal, you learn that even though it was done to you, it wasn't about you. When you heal, you feel a version of yourself emerge that never would have even shown up had that experience not happened. And when you take your trauma and you turn it into transformation, that's an idea worth spreading." ❤

[@WBMservices]

"Every beating I'm grateful for. Every one of them. Get all of the trust beat out of ya. You know what the world is." Al Swearengen, Deadwood. Best movie quote of all time.

[@tekla9935]

wisdom.

[@JanineFinerealtor]

Sad but true, but also don't give up and give away all the power taken away from you away forever, you must live, so in order to do that you may get hurt again OR maybe once you don't get hurt/used, be brave and live ... don't let them win, instead get back up and live life or dont try ...that is like never having lived that part of a life.

[@WBMservices]

@@JanineFinerealtor I think you're missing the point of the quote. It's not about giving up or being bitter or feeling powerless. It's exactly the opposite. Once you realize the reality that is most human beings, you can experience ultimate freedom and clarity.

[@existentialbread7281]

@@WBMservices well said👏 i was a bit confused on the quote at first, but that indeed made a lot of sense. thank you, i needed that.