Caring for our aging parents and ourselves: Jane Everson and Frances Hall at TEDxHickory

As our nation's population, and indeed, the population of the world ages, adult children are becoming the primary caregivers - and unsung heroes - for their aging parents. Becoming informed advocates so that we can better love our parents and ourselves as we age will help businesses, communities, and individual families cope with the coming "silver tsunami". ACAP community offers data-based results and a structured and validated curriculum for face-to-face educational programs, resource tips and tools for healthy aging, and peer-to-peer support for adult child caregivers.
Before joining ACAP (Adult Children of Aging Parents), Jane Everson was a university professor, author, and public speaker for 25 years. Her research focused on workforce development for adults, especially those with disabilities. Jane is currently interested in the challenges faced by people with disabilities, and other adults as they age and seek work and home balance. She lives in Hickory, North Carolina with her husband and is now helping her mother prepare for a move from to North Carolina. In her free time, Jane enjoys exploring vegetarian cooking, reading, and spending time with a menagerie of companion animals.
Before stopping work in great part to spend more time with her mother, Frances Hall spent 30+ years in college/university administration as well as church-related and nonprofit organizational leadership. Frances lives in Morganton, North Carolina, with her husband and enjoys cooking, traveling and spending time with her husband, step-children, spouses and grandchildren, in addition to her mother.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@Joanna822_]

Wish someone would talk to those of us taking care of mom, when you don’t want to, because you don’t really like her!! It’s a very sad truth

[@donnar9864]

God bless all the caregivers who put their lives on the back burner while caring for your aging parents...I've just spent the last four years caring for my declining mother, she just passed away a month ago on February 21, 2020 and I feel so honored that the Lord gave me the last 4 yrs of my precious moms life..the pain of losing her is excruciating. I asked her if she felt like I took care of her good enough and she told me that I took care of her like she was a little puppy, which loving animals the way I do was the best analogy I could have asked for. For those of you that are resentful of having to look after aging parents...I say GET A GRIP!!! it is a blessing and a gift the Lord has given you!!!!

[@sarahwells7425]

thank you donna.

[@lindaguida4074]

We will pay someone to take care of us, our son’s want no part of care giving!

[@vanessarheadart9708]

Yeah being headbutted by my delusional father has been the highlight of the past 3 years. I looked after my grandmother for 10 years during my 20's with 2 small children, now I'm on year 3 of my parents, don't tell me to get a grip, you have no idea what my life is like.

[@shalenawhite]

get off your high horse. some of us were abused, and its very hard to enjoy caring for someone who hurt you in the past and present. i see no joy in caring for someone who won't accept any help.

[@Kimbaslice714]

Not all of us have loving parents yet find ourselves in a care giver role. Perspective is reality. Glad you had a loving experience.

[@mjg2038]

Our son gave up his life to take care of his two grandparents to keep them out of a nursing home. Sadly my mother wouldn't listen to me when I told her that he no longer wanted to do it anymore. He did it for 5 years, I told him just to quit doing and let them pay to have someone come in. I couldn't do it at the time, I was on chemo trying to get into remission. They refused to pay anyone and refused to go into the nursing home. The stress literally ended up killing our son. He dropped dead, after putting them to bed and walking to go to his room of sudden cardiac arrest, he was only 33. His heart was twice the size it should have been for a man his age. Now 3 years later it's my turn, because the caregiver they had after our son's death will no longer do it, because my 95 yr old dad had a stroke and more is involved in caring for him. I've been doing it since beginning of January and it's wearing on me. My husband fears the stress I'm under having to take care of two invalids, will bring me out of remission. I fear the same thing, I tell my parents that I just can't keep doing this, but like with my son, neither of them are hearing me. Luckily, to give me a break our oldest son takes care of them on Saturday and our youngest takes care of them on Sunday. I am trying to find help for them, through Aging and Disability, hopefully they can help me or give me other resources for help.

[@wordswordswords8203]

Oh, wow, can I relate to this. I have been caring for my elderly mom for about 6 years. It's taking a huge toll. It's really hard to find outside help from my experience but good luck!

[@luciinbrazil1128]

self centeredness/ narcisistic traits only ACCENTUATE with ageing ...

[@andreafinlay6768]

Sorry for your loss and current situation. 🙏🏾

[@christinefreeman7531]

Parent caregiving is a life / FAMILY altering experience.Yesterday speaking to a dear friend she says her 80 yr old father isn't changing his 80 yr old wife's diaper , ( the family wants to know why??? ) And when asked mom only defends her husband laughing but not telling on him..I say this for these reasons , I've been through " elder care classes" & taken care of my own family members.#1 Families will discover there needs to be decisions made about parents never thought about before .They did for us / now it's time for us to do for them , also you'll find , if others are not involved ( THE MORE YOU DO , THE LESS SOMEONE Else WILL DO )... # 2 An 80 year old man needs his own time for himself to grow old , not that kind of responsibility for any other human ( even his wife) that should be a family discussion..# 3 ANY caregiver ( NEEDS TIME FOR THEMSELVES ) because so much giving of yourself is not healthy , I learned that the hard way.

[@LoriCysta]

Caregiving over the phone long distance is not care giving...

[@wordswordswords8203]

You're right. It's not. Although I've done it both ways. In person is much much much harder and is the real thing. But I got my dad on Medicaid while living in another state and was able to help with a lot from a distance. But, yeah, I totally agree. It's more like supportive care not care giving.

[@revllorlegit117]

Yes, this is what my mom choose to do also. There really was no choice but for her to make this decision.

[@MGLetItBe]

THANK YOU LADIES FOR SHARING

[@ElderCareAttorneysArkansas]

I liked your video carig for our aging parents and ourselves. You are right it´s important that your parents have the right legal documents in place BEFORE something really bad happens. Often we get families in crisis and they come to our law office and have no idea what legal documents their parents have and often its too late.

[@subrataray2342]

Thanks for sharing the experiences.

[@terrilowe3530]

Thank you for this! It very closely describes my journey with my Dad who passed away two years ago.

[@charlesstutts4578]

Excellent TED talk this was very helpful and thank you.

[@LetsCatchYourDream]

how about when you just go through a divorce, you move back home, one parent dies, you are the only child that will come home and live at home, then you need employment, you want a social life and you want to start a business but the parent is ALWAYS on your nerves bickering, asking for help or calling the police on you because you disagree with their bad judgments and housing contractors are taking advantage of them and they are spending money on frivoulous shopping, grandchildren are begging for money and to use her vehicle, and she is begging me to purchase items for her (chinese food, ice cream, etc.)...when you are low-income. THIS IS MY LIFE....I'm so over it.

[@poetree2000]

Cynthia McCrea yeah I was listening to this like...call and visit once a month?!?

[@mollyprysunka4828]

Omg my grams threatened to call the cops on me like twice since I moved in with the shut down. Makes me nuts, idk if she's nervous or what but I'm not a huge fan of how trigger happy she is with the police

[@prabinprabhakar4687]

This should get more views 👏

[@jann9507]

Thanks for the talk; The empathy and pointers are helpful

[@lindaguida4074]

Try being a caretaker for a 88 year old Dad, 63 year old brother who suffered a massive stroke, also Aphasia.

[@rogerarsenault9067]

Wow someone else is going through this too

[@champacaregivers2128]

Yes, there is a lot of need for caregiving.

[@sherryjohnston6401]

Thank you so much for sharing.... I am going to share this with all my family and friends.

[@janeeverson616]

How kind of you to comment. I am so glad you enjoyed the talk and found that it resonates with you and your family.

[@sherryjohnston6401]

Jane Everson you are welcome. As a matter of fact I shared it with the guardian over my mom and told her how difficult it is to take care of my mom and the impact she has when she doesn't agree with me

[@chweeimmong3578]

Sherry Johnston

[@lesliehilesgardener6959]

Mom and dad need My help I'll be there 👍 love you to whispering on the wind weeping willow

[@wordswordswords8203]

Be careful. It's much harder and more treacherous than it seems. If you can keep them out of your home and do the caring from a distance, like going over to their place at assisted living or their own ADA apt a couple of times a week, it is better. Full time care giving with your parent in your house is a recipe for a disaster. Doesn't matter how well you get along. Only caveat might be is if you have a big house and they are in a separate space and you have a lot of help and support from either other family members or other caregivers. I would not recommend ever letting an aging parent into your home.

[@chrislim7976]

How can one accept and cope with this. I am so anxious and sad. Please advise.

[@wordswordswords8203]

It is totally brutal.

[@chrislim7976]

I often think what life was like before this.

[@cpmooremusic]

Thanks so much! Enjoy Carried by the angels, What God has Prepared, With Christ in Paradise, Prayer and Phally at Chris Phally channel on KZbin, 80+ more. Josephine Moore words of comfort and wisdom, Mother and Dad were the heroes of my life. See Dads Happiness part 1-6 also please. God bless you.

[@TheNishad]

Even though i try to take care my grandma is saying i am useless for 30 yrs she is over achiever and it hurts us too much ....

[@priyadharshini4078]

Happening to me too

[@monikaballah931]

there is no joy there. please

[@rebekahbrown4052]

What are you supposed to do when the elderly parent refuses to make any plans or cooperate in any way. I’ve had it. The law won’t allow you to step in so the only choice is to wait for the next crisis. Never expected parents to be so selfish

[@catherinebirch2399]

Thankfully my parents didn't live to a great age, so I never had them nagging me to take care of them. I wouldn't have any way because I had my own life to live and wasn't prepared for such a burden. I have no children, and if I can't take care of myself I'll have euthenasia rather than be a burden on others.

[@susanc6350]

See your parents 3 times a year? I’m sorry both of these Women don’t seem like caregivers…I’m not impressed at all with there stories.

[@paulvarn4712]

This presentation needs polishing to keep people interested enough to get the message, but too late. Is 4 years old now.

[@fasterpussycat2161]

YAWN. Geezus.

[@Mojopearlff]

Rather poor public speakers, who are stating the rather obvious.

[@LJC3276]

whats w the barack obama comment

[@OrganicFaithFactory]

Poor presentation

[@SquirlieMcSquirrel]

Worst ted talk ever

[@robinrothe2915]

Agreed. They don’t seem to have any idea what caregiving actually entails.

[@user-rp2cb4yo6s]

What's wrong with Barack Obama