The 3 Phases of Denial: Trans & Non-Binary Explained!

[@HeretekNC]

The "But" phase reminds me of when I was all like "I'd love to be more femme, *but* I'll be too darn ugly." and not realizing that was the dysphoria talking.

[@DRZPHD]

Ouch yes it is the monster of Dysphoria.

[@Nat_778]

I struggle with the opposite "I wish I had a male body but transitioning would destroy my beauty"

[@darrylclark1869]

Dr. Z. I think being in denial for most of us is a safety mechanism to keep those of us who want to but haven't transitioned yet safe. Safe from divorce, safe from being harmed or safe from the cruelty that trans people face every. I am mostly in denial due to the fear of coming out to everyone 😢

[@DRZPHD]

Yes that’s also a function of it for some.

[@jerrimenard3092]

I hear you. I didn't want to loose custody. So I kept it on the DL. After everyone was 18, it all came to the surface. It was time to take care of me. Good luck navigating your journey.

[@Borealisphoenix]

I didn't have denial. I'm 46 now. When I was 20 I was asked to explain what I felt I was after being explained the LGB world. Trans was not in the list of qualities. I explained I felt I was a lesbian in a man's body and I was told I was wrong. I knew I didn't want to be a drag queen or a fetishes cross dresser. I assumed I was a woman's soul in a man and I just lived with it for years thinking I was the only one. Found out a year ago I could turn into a woman and said this is what I want. I have known my whole life I would be happier as a woman. I was born in the wrong place and time.

[@M_Emeritz]

Thank you for sharing your experience

[@toddanderson6534]

I feel the exact same way and the same age. I am happy that you were able to live your true life and become the woman you have always been inside

[@Borealisphoenix]

Thank you. The same for you!@@toddanderson6534

[@janesmith8050]

LOL, its absolutely Impossible for you to “turn into a woman”!

[@littlecatfeet9064]

@@janesmith8050Also, it’s impossible for him to be a lesbian.

[@fiamedknuff]

Identifying my denial phases afterwards is something that I have struggled with. It seems mostly like a hybrid of the first two denial phases described in this video. Since a very young age I knew that it was something different between me and the other boys but I didn't have the words to describe it. I was also jealous of the girls being allowed to be girls. I had strong sense of inadequacy when it came to being a boy growing up and fulfilling male gender roles as an adult. As an adult, I also quickly became acutely aware that my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs was typical for a woman, but I didn't take that awareness seriously. Instead I have spent a large period of my life dismissing my gender dysphoric feelings as being unimportant and I blamed all my struggles on growing up in a dysfunctional family system and being bullied in school. I just needed to do A, B, and C, and suddenly I would feel comfortable with masculinity. I joined the Army and went to war, I got married and had the child, etc, but nothing I did change the discomfort I felt with the male gender role. It became a never ending cycle of moving the goal posts. I know that I had always wished that I had been born a girl instead of a boy, but I thought it was normal to feel like that. I lied to myself that most men wished they had been born a woman. I lied to myself that I one day would be able to be comfortable with being a man. I lied to myself that it was better to be a decent looking man than an ugly woman. I lied to myself that my thoughts and emotions wasn't valid or important. I lied to myself that my wants and needs wasn't as important as other people's wants and needs and that I should put theirs first. I kept on telling myself that what I felt wasn't important and other people had real struggles in life. The last six years I have been working on rebuilding my life. I was going to therapy for PTSD from my military service. I was confronting my childhood trauma and started to overcome the effects of growing up with narcissistic parents. I came to a point where I finally started to take my own emotional experience seriously. I had to reprogram myself to accept that my thoughts and feelings were valid, that my wants and need were important, and that I deserved to be happy. I didn't accept myself as transgender until I went to an LGBT function and met a couple of trans women. I saw myself in them and realized that the only difference between us was that they had transitioned while I hadn't. That night, I went back home and looked myself in the mirror. I then told my own reflection "I am Sofia. I'm a woman and I need to transition' and reached for a razor and started to shave my beard off. Everything then followed very quickly. It was like a light switch had flipped and not even year later I am scheduled for my first gender affirming surgery. It is like I always knew the truth, but I needed to give myself permission first. I had to convince myself that I deserved to be happy and that deserved to be the woman that I had always felt myself to be deep in my soul. I also had to learn to put myself first and be "selfish".

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Journey-of-1000-Miles]

Wow! Can i relate. Although, i did not serve, but the rest is very easy to empathize with. Good luck!

[@STARLIGHTRAYS]

@@DRZPHD HARVARD says: Only ONE GENDER!!! and.. TWO PERFECT EXPRESSIONS or BODIES or SHAPES or CONFIGURATIONS: MALE & FE-MALE Of course! There are "not perfect" configurations/expressions (INTER-SEX) But... There is NOT two genders!!! Because there is NOT two genetics! There is NOT two GENESIS! It is only ONE! Science (not PSEUDO-SCIENCE) has TESTED/VERIFIED!!!

[@JC-bg6mq]

The story of my life 😅, thanks for sharing. I'm glad I'm not alone. I hope everything in your life fall in the right place. Regards from Spain 🇪🇸. 🎉🎉🎉

[@Lt.Shineysides89]

I can relate to a lot of what you said minus things like joining the military etc i have always put others first and tried to be the masculine person people expected me to be. I also was bullied and had a crappy childhood so i put a lot of that on how i felt as well, in regards to the comment about being a decent looking man rather than an ugly woman i get that so much i've always had folk say "you're a good looking bloke" and things like that although i never seen it myself i certainly found it much easier to find partners while portraying a man but i've come to the conclusion i'd rather be a basic looking woman who people aren't attracted to than continue on the charade of being a guy. I'm glad you finally realised you need to be a bit selfish and look after yourself. I hope your transition has brought you the happiness you deserve Sofia.

[@FlawedbyDesign777]

I'm denying that I am female because I don't live up to my standards of femininity and feel compelled to fit into male stereotypes in order to push away the discomfort with my inner self, but it makes me feel worthless and fake, like I'm hiding behind a male persona that's completely constructed by outside forces. These feelings especially get triggered when I am around uptight transphobic individuals...I feel discomfort with myself because I sense their own discomfort with me and it makes me feel repulsed by who I actually am supposed to LOVE. I'm supposed to love myself for who I am, but I am convinced for some reason there's something objectively wrong with my person because others feel weirded out by my presence.. and how I appear "odd" and "like some flamboyant man"

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@CreatiVastARTS]

"...oh you just think you're trans because you want to be part of the Trans community" It just ended up creating this endless feedback loop. After 3-4 months of that, I was like "fine, but I could never transition" I tell you... once I accepted things, and started reflecting HARD over the past 35 years, MY WHOLE LIFE FINALLY MADE SOO MUCH SENSE! It's crazy by how much I suppress over all these years. 2 years after that, (15 months since transitioning) I will say, it saved my life. The denial stage and wanting to end my life, my fail attempt really was one of the wake up calls for me.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear things got much better once you started to accept yourself.

[@EmberNyxtical]

that first thought sometimes lurks in the back of my head (but enby edition) silly little neurodivergent teen brain just wildin

[@amekamui_]

I've been open about exploring my gender just recently. I can kind of see this behaviour on myself but not much. Meaning, I'm afraid and excited that I might be actually trans, like, "am I really?" "what if I'm faking it" "what if I just got influenced by others" etc, something that at my age, early 30, it's not really something that may happen. I studied a LOT of documents about trans folks to combat transphobia in social media before even thinking about my own gender, so I know a fair amount about it, yet I see myself falling in the same pitfalls. Like, I know RATIONALLY that if I even ask these questions in the first place, it means I'm not faking it, at the same time I have this lil voice keep telling me this Same goes for my idea "I won't ever be able to look that good, it's too late" etc, something I RATIONALLY know it's not true but I keep telling myself that. Same goes for many aspects of it and now I wanna find a therapist to talk about it but at the same time I'm kinda afraid that the therapist may say "nah you're not trans" but at the same time kind of wishing that happens? I don't know, I'm very confused right now but at least I'm trying to be open about it enough to explore it. Still, kinda frustrating sometimes since I don't actually understand where many thoughts I have come from

[@jerrimenard3092]

For me, coming out as Nonbinary was very difficult. I am 52 years old, I have been married 3 times, I have 4 grown children and I reasoned that I couldn't be anything but an adult tomboy. What got me out of that mindset was really seeing other people's struggles to transition and be authentic. I became an empty nester. For the first time in decades I had to just sit with my truth alone. It was both devastating and beautiful. Where am I at with it now? Trying to find myself and my tribe. I am digging through the past to get those small bits of the original me back. It's really hard. For anyone thinking someone can't be trans or Nonbinary and have that many kids or marriages, look at Caitlyn Jenner. She has 10 kids and has also been married several times. Just because she has fame didn't make her immune to disphoria. I wanted to be a woman and be in a family, have love. I was brought up Mormon and I wanted the fantasy even if it was not real. It tore me up, made me depressed. In my teens I had a drinking problem and smoked like a chimney. All to feel as if I was not me. The relief I have now is worth way more then any social benefit I got from playing the role living the lie as wife and Mom. I can go to sleep at night and be rested. I am not always looking over my shoulder to see what others think of what I am doing. I am liberated.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@laranorris7252]

At 50 I am going through the same thing.

[@randirosehooper8315]

Thank you beautiful lady for helping me. I have been in all three myself. It literally took a mental break down to get out of the first one. Where I knew I had to deal with this. After three years of presenting femine I still find I'm in the third denial now.. I really try hard not to judge other people but that won't stay in the bottle.. so what your saying helps me to understand why that's coming out inside

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear the content was helpful.

[@GabbieAbbie]

You do so much for our community, thank you x ❤

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome!

[@fluffyveganunicorn-pp4cg]

Thank you. My egg has finally cracked ♥ I had the first two forms of denial until now and the third one only towards myself, not towards other queer people. Transphobia is a really deeply internalised in all of us I guess. I can't reealy say, which was the toughest since I only actively questioned my gender for the last 2 weeks. The decades before I was in a deep sleep and the more I learn, the more signs show up. And more doubts too but now i can take it as part of the process. I seem to be learning fast here. ♥ Yet there is so much to discover. Thanks for helping in the process ♥

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@EmilyK899]

I am definitely in the third stage of denial. Trans, despite fighting against myself for most of my life. I’m 61, on HRT for two years and yet still fearing myself, others, and still disbelieving other trans women. It’s very tough to accept my gender identity, despite the fact that everyone around me accepts me for who I am, how I am.

[@maddiesaoirse]

It took such a long time to understand denial, and how powerful it is/was. I was in the first type of denial from age 6 until 47. I was in that second type from age 47 until 50. At 50 I started my social and physical transition after realizing I was not afraid of who I was, but, rather, I was afraid of the reactions I was going to receive. I can't say that I've ever occupied that third phase. Although I struggled to extend the grace of acceptance to myself, I was always in celebration of those people who did. So many of our experiences as trans women are similar. It's comforting to know how unremarkable and commonplace my own experience has been compared to others. Thank you Dr. Z for another insightful video! ❤

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with denial. Yes, it can be helpful to realize you are not the only one having a set of experiences.

[@Miss_Claire]

You described my trip to acceptance damn near to a T. I'm still fighting with the idea of being part of the LGBTQ community and the fact that I have to wear that flag now. Some of us queer people are incredibly weird and goofy, I judge people and I expect to be judged in the world, so grappling with the idea of being judged the way that I myself have done to others, even if only in my own mind, is still not an appealing prospect. No one wants to be seen as a weirdo lol. I'm getting there though.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. Judging ourselves and others is something we all need to work on.

[@debbiegilmour6171]

You don't absolutely have to adopt the LGBT flag if you don't want to.

[@Miss_Claire]

@@debbiegilmour6171 Not the flag itself, but the meaning behind it, the labels and judgements that being in the community comes with. It would be ignorant of me to say I'm not part of the lgbtq community when I demonstrably am. It's taken years to accept that, and yet I am still never going to be excited about the prospect of potential harassment that comes with it. That is what I meant.

[@ericfreshcorn3590]

@@Miss_Claire Are You Into Men To Or Strickly Women?

[@Miss_Claire]

@@ericfreshcorn3590 Meh, I've had experience with both, I prefer women by far, I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with a man but I don't like penis very much lol so that kinda kills it for me

[@miyahollands6136]

I am definitely guilty of running away from the truth! For a very long time, I tried and tried and tried to tell myself, "It's nothing more than something quirky!" That it's my guilty pleasure, and it was placed in the "well, this must be a fetish thing!" But, it kept coming back, and everytime, it comes back harder and stronger than before. Denial is a bitch! It will eventually drive you insane if you don't take care of it. I look back and I can pin-point 2 occasions, where I had a pretty good idea of what the answer was -but (😊), I was too afraid of the answer. So, I would say always be open and honest with yourself and try not to be afraid of the answer - if you work that out, then tell me how you did it!

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I agree, dont be afraid of confronting yourself.

[@EmmE-mb3ci]

This podcast has helped me recognize that I have been in judgement of other transgender people, the younger ones mostly as I am in my sixties; even as I embrace my own transition. I believed myself to be very open and accepting of others yet it is clear that my fears have been getting the better of me. If I am to say that I am living my truth, and that I have the right to do so then I must also respect and honor others that are striving to live their own truth in the best way that they can. There is already plenty of judgement thrown at us without our doing it to ourselves, and we are all facing our own unique struggles on this challenging journey. You have made it clear that my judgement of others is holding me back from living authentically. For when I judge another, I am projecting my inner own fears on them rather than facing these fears head on and thus limiting my own evolution. I must strive to live with more compassion and acceptance towards myself and others. A needed wake up call. Thank you, Dr. Z

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Thank you for being so honest! It's important for all of us to recognize our own judgment as our own projections and to work on it. Bravo to you.

[@samsadowitz1724]

As i keep learning about dysphoria, i now realize just how much repression i had so internalized. As a very young kid, i liked a few things that i knew girls do, but i was always ashamed of it and did denial phase 1 for most of my life. Nowadays, im at phase 2 where i look at myself and see sasquatch. But i am doing a bit of stage 3 because im indulging in cute compression socks.... It feels confusing at times

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear of your pain.

[@samsadowitz1724]

@DRZPHD the denial phase 1 foe most of my life went like this: I like this something..... oh, girls do/like this something? I'm not a girl, I must reject it (internal thoughts, I was VERY susceptible to peer pressure). during that same time period there was an old kids story from the late 90s called "the sissy duckling" (archaic and not politically correct, I know) and I always identified with the main character there because he wasn't like the others (neither was I since I am on the spectrum) Later on, I was very much into reading manga, and would exchange manga with my sister all the time..... we enjoyed each other's choices/libraries. Now I know that at least half of what I enjoyed was manga geared towards girls (shoujo manga with romance elements).

[@samsadowitz1724]

It just feels like one big mess. At this point

[@mollyloveyou2]

i am now on hrt and i wouldnt of done it without ur videos helping me through waiting

[@DRZPHD]

I wish you all the best!

[@Cultivating_authenticity]

I absolutely love what you’re doing, it’s beautiful that you’re sharing all of this information for us~ I honestly can’t be sure if my experience is like most folks~I was a ‘tomboy’ growing up, and never really ‘fit in’ with the girls..it wasn’t until about little over 4 years ago when I was having my hair cut, I just kept asking for it to be cut shorter..because I suddenly started remembering when I was a child (from before the traumas I faced happened) how I was always thinking to myself “why am I like this, I’m supposed to be a boy”..it quickly became real difficult to deny and honestly I just didn’t want to anymore.. I am so glad that we have people such as yourself that care and look out for us in this world 💞

[@mithosbluefish]

I very distinctly remember having gone through the first two. The first one describes most of my teens, the second one describes most of my twenties. The transition between the first and the second just happened at some point. During the second phase I started disassociating and felt entirely emotionally numb for the majority of it. I am now 2 years into my transition and I don't think I've fallen into phase 3, but I also know that I've had a lot of internalized transphobia I've had to dispell throughout the years

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. You may not even experience phase 3 at all.

[@v.depaolisvincenzoni9541]

How did you find the strenght to recover from phase 2 and start transitioning? I'm currently in it and the numbness is making me doubt whether I'm trans at all, even though I start having suicidal thoughts right after (I never act upon them, they just kinda make me feel hopeless)

[@ChristianCatboy]

@@v.depaolisvincenzoni9541 Yeah... I remember that phase. For me it took about a year between learning that I might be trans, and actually "doing something about it", because that's how long it took me to get access to HRT. I wanted to "prove" that I was trans in a way that seemed objective to me, before attempting any kind of social transition. So, I opted to start HRT first, as an existential experiment, because I figured that a cis person would get physically and psychologically "sick" in an obvious way, before experiencing any permanent effects. In hindsight, I probably took this approach because I was thinking of queerness as a "medical disorder", which was a stage I had to go through to give myself permission to question my former religious taboos, in way that still felt ethically responsible. Instead, I would encourage you to just go ahead and jump into taking some steps toward social transition, even only very discreet or limited ones, instead of trying to figure it out through research and medication, like I did. Come out to just one person or a very small group of close friends, if necessary. I got my navel pierced early on, because to me that was an aggressively hyper-feminine presentation signal, that could also be easily hidden. Then I experimented cautiously over time with exposing my midriff in public, only where I felt anonymous and safe. Over time, I realized that people weren't harassing me, or even seeming to notice at all, and yet it still felt empowering for me to assert traditional markers of fem identity. Not sure what your situation is... Stay safe, and don't give up hope. Just try to do whatever you can. Doing the wrong thing and learning from it is better than staying paralyzed. Gotta remind myself of that! 🙂

[@mithosbluefish]

@@v.depaolisvincenzoni9541 for me it ended kinda chaotically. I was in the middle of a super stressful period of my life because of abusive work conditions. Dysphoria also was heavy in the period, I started really noticing aging and I had a bit of a breakdown because of everything. Eventually I started talking with someone I met online who really helped me sort out my thoughts and focus on the future.

[@v.depaolisvincenzoni9541]

@@ChristianCatboy thanks for your suggestions! I actually began socially transitioning three years ago and my friends have been nothing but supportive, the only people that are still giving me a tough times are my parents (even though they've gotten better over the years). I'm about to start uni and, since I know that it's going to be a safe place, I wanted to also start medically transitioning, but I came to the realisation that I'm scared of doing it. I identify as male, but I also present myself as gender non-conforming, and I'm genuinely scared of dealing with everyone's reaction while I'm still stuck in my hometown under my parents' roof (who may or may not react badly). It's a tricky situation and the sudden lack of dysphoria has only made it worse. Thanks again for your insight, wish you the best of luck with everything ^_^

[@marti7343]

Dr. Z is amazing. It is unbelievable to me she hits on a topic right at the time it applies to me. I would add that a person can go through all the stages of denial as I have done and that the denial can come and go. I currently am in the third phase of denial. I have been on MtoF HRT for over six months. I am almost seventy years old and keep asking myself how can I transition at my advanced age. There have been changes from the HRT that I find wonderful. I am convinced I am trans from the time I entered puberty. There is no doubt of years of denial and what I would call avoidance to deal with my authentic self. I want desperately to pass, but really think I never will. I do not think this has to do with me comparing myself to other trans woman. It is just a reality I am facing. Recently, I suspended the HRT because of an illness that probably has nothing to do with my transition. Because of recent changes in the law in my state, I cannot access my doctor to discuss my illness because telemedicine for trans people has been made illegal. I am out of the country now and find it difficult to get medical advice associated with my transition. The illness is making me seriously reconsider my transition. I already was having doubts after an initial upswing after starting my medical transition. Probably, I have entered a new phase in my transition. Lately, I have been thinking about how important my relationships are and that I do not want to be alone. I have a spouse and as expected it is not easy to transition and maintain a close relationship. Yet, the dysphoria and the sense of my feminine identity reemerges as it always does. There are many important choices to make when you are trans. The most important one is accepting you are trans. Deciding what to do about it is then the challenge.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and yes totally agree one can go through all at once even, or oscillate between them.

[@christinatomac918]

I've been through all three. I'm coming out of the third phase. Making new friends was stymied due to me being judgmental but Ive recently had an epiphany. I got reaquainted with someone I met early on but just sort of blew off. After reconnecting I realized how much we have in common. I appreciate this video in characterizing this recent phase. Makes total sense. The most difficult phase for me was the first one. It went on for so many years but the last year of it was hell. When I realized there was no comfort in being the old me anymore it was a ton of bricks and I would rebury myself and be miserable and self sabotaging. Hope this helps others. Thanks Dr. Z!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing, The first phase is a tough one for so many for sure.

[@Sage_613]

This is so relevant right now. I’ve come to accept that I’m trans(feminine). My denial is more along the lines of imposter syndrome, or having the uncertainty of my identity. My roadblock is now what am I going to do about it. How is it that destroying my career and all the other personal struggles of transition can be the “right” thing to do. When doing nothing is so much easier and seemingly more comfortable

[@DRZPHD]

@CK-ri7uf I would highly recommend to engage in therapy as you seem to struggle from a sense of powerlessness and fear of your own existential reality based on your projective comments.

[@DRZPHD]

I totally hear you. The imposter feelings can rally up high.

[@daisyb5646]

Another of your videos that is applicable to me. I am in a huge denial stage and feel disillusioned with my female identity and transness in general. The fact I cannot pick out any real clues from my childhood is further evidence that I have been disillusional for the past 4 years. I have no childhood smoking guns of knowledge. I am a biological man and that will never change. I need the proof that doesn’t exist.

[@DRZPHD]

Ahhh chasing proof that doesn't exist is like going after mirage that you think is there but its not. Small steps will lead to affirming states of mind and are better than chasing invisible.

[@daisyb5646]

@@DRZPHD thank you so much for those encouraging words ❤️

[@AutomaticDuck300]

I have the opposite problem. I have too much proof.

[@L1a7even]

thank you Dr Z. Your videos are a lifeline for those of us who are socially isolated. No one was more shocked at me coming out than me. Now, as an out trans woman, denial presents as forgetting how miserable I was as a man!

[@mm-gagnon7910]

The first two are perfect descriptions of myself... The first phase of denial, I wasn't even allowing myself to think about the possibility of me perhaps being trans. I was training myself to attempt to be more masculine, with very mixed results Then I had a phase of "Ok I'm trans, but I can't do anything about it, I will figure out a way to live without doing anything about it". Well that certainely did not work and I've since transitioned :) As for the third one, I think it hasn't been a big challenge for me.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@saskia316]

Wow. Dr. Z, thank you for this video. Bam. I am in #3, and now I can face this. I have been staying home nearly all the time, except when I have to do essential errands, or doctor visits, or go to the movies with my wife and grown children. This always terrifies me, then I feel exhilarated, being my unabashed self. But I am a musician, and endless indoor rehearsing and recording aren't good for me anymore as hiding. I need to perform in public to make it live and healthy and do my gifts. All you have said here rings loud and true. My wife said she would help with laser hair removal. I am working like mad on diet and exercise and the 6 mo. of HRT are helping a lot so far. I can't thank you enough. Plus you are looking so beautiful, and I do love your red nails, too. : ) Marta

[@DRZPHD]

Hi Marta! Glad it resonated and I am happy to hear your wife is supportive. Red nails is my new color lately 🫶

[@jerrimenard3092]

I so relate with you Marta. I am a writer and singer. I couldn't perform when I was hiding and suffering depression and disphoria . Now, if I don't perform soon or record, I feel I will go mad. The feelings need to get out or they will hurt me.

[@AB_RetroSynth]

I am male bodied, and today I’m wearing a black Tomboy X lesbian's t-shirt, my camouflage women’s running shorts, pink and black socks, and I have on clip on earrings, cute beaded bracelets, an anklet, and my favorite heart pendant necklace. My body is in need of a shave in a couple of days. I’m starting to feel a bit stubbly, but not too bad yet. I go by the name Anna but THERE'S NO WAY I COULD BE NONBINARY TRANS! Just kidding! I'm totally nonbinary trans! 😂

[@DRZPHD]

Hahahahah good one.

[@Christine_Robyn]

I have been experiencing all three. The first phase was the most destructive for me because I made choices that I might not have otherwise. I just needed to prove to myself that I am "Man" enough. I did the "I am transgender, but cannot come out or transition because". Now I am intent on transition. I have told my therapist that I want to transition. She is going to refer me to a MD that specializes in transgender care. Time to move forward.

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@alondradelfierro3274]

As always your videos and the way you present the information are a source of insight and clarity. It strikes personally me that this very afternoon I had just come back from a session with my own therapist in which I was experiencing phase 2 and 3. It's like a pendulum for every step forwards I make towards my acceptance and transition there's always and opposite reaction , such as denial.

[@DRZPHD]

Ahh the pendulum swing is so common. Its your psyche way of bargaining to arrive at a balanced state.

[@kayla8402]

yeah "denial" and even "repression" get used in ways that imply a sort of intentionality that I think often isn't there (sometimes it is of course, sure, but). Lack of info, especially on the less common experiences, makes it easier to not realize you're engaging in the process of denial, or for new information to even reach through repression, if you've long since set up various barriers or explained away various things. I'm real good at waiting my way through things so I've also run into a kind of passive denial, doing the bare minimum daily/weekly, so breast development was actually a bit jarring when it got to a point of actively reminding me I'd need to be out-out sooner than later.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@hydrochloricacid2146]

I always find it funny how, looking back, I can pinpoint gender dysphoria all throughout my childhood, adolescence and even early adulthood, and how it seemed like every other year some new "totally unexplained and wacky" discomfort would pop out of nowhere. Dysphoria did well and truly get worse for me over the years. Simultaneously though, even without realizing I found myself doing more and more things that looking back seem like coping mechanisms, from intensively working out to crossdressing in secret. I was of course totally clueless but it's kinda scary what the mind can do in the background

[@mikaelaswanson5014]

Yes that was me knew at age 17 I wanted to be seen as a Woman. denial to 36yrs old before finally cracked and done something about my situation. Living life on hold doesn't do you any favours!

[@ObscuriaDragunAed]

I was born in an era and in an area where gender only came up on forms and the only thing I knew was crossdressers. I knew from that age, before I was even ten, that something was wrong with me. I kept it quite but, over years that feeling only got worse and worse. I couldn't tell my parents because they were very much into the hell doctrine stuff and they were already half convinced my body was posessed by the "demon" that is my authentic self. (aspie without diagnosis, I got very very effective at masking very very early because they were half convinced that I was posessing my own body as a demon when I acted like myself). When my subconscious pulled me out of the closet with a very vivid dream a few years ago, it wasn't necessarily denial, more just not knowing the extent of what the dream meant. I accepted that it meant I'm NB... a few months later, though, and I'd reconnected with all the very very clear and telling events I'd been through growing up, and I realized "Oh, I'm not just NB, I'm trans. Okay, now, is it covered?" It's not covered, furthermore, I'm disabled (not SSI, but disabled disabled [nothing wrong with you if you're on SSI, just clarifying because people mix the 2 up so much]). Currently, after I've realized that this mystifying pain condition that has no diagnosis (not fibro, either, I know that it'd be diagnosed that way since fibro is a diagnosis of elimination, but, I've been around many people with fibro, talking with them, the pain is totally different) is a way that my body has been expressing dysphoria after decades of not being treated. I've not wanted to further that pain, and have been seeking gender affirming care. But, it's not covered, and furthermore, to get covered requires an insurance gatekeeper to make an exception, etc. That same insurance makes it very tricky for a medical provider to see me if I'm not running it through that insurance; I can't just pay out of pocket, and if I did, I'd have to be concerned about the quality of care because providers typically don't want to violate this insurance. Which is frustrating, as, although it's a dangerous thing to do, I'd decided to use my savings from when I could work, to pay for everything. It'd cost a further $5k plus some to just get my name changed legally. All this at a time where an entire political party is trying to make being trans illegal. That has made me contemplate leaving the country, but, on top of how much it costs to move to another country (because of literal intolerance which is outright encouraging unaliving and openly laughs about unaliving of trans kids and adults alike), due to the fact that I'm disabled, I can't move countries anyway. I watched this video, and know the context is completely different, but, the fact that I want to do good by myself and get that resolved after so long, but, realized this at a time where getting any form of care or fleeing to a safe country despite being a citizen and a veteran, is not an option, and, what's more, I don't live in an area which is safe to be trans in. IDK if there's outright violence, but, I popped out the closet to someone IRL for the first time because they popped out the closet too (they're gay), and the first thing that happened is they quit talking me, but, were effectively feeling entitled enough to speak in an obligatory way that I, a stranger, should tell them what I have between my legs, what size, etc... as if that's at all acceptable with any other demographic. I mean, if you go up to a lady and ask if she's tight or not, you're rightfully going to get the shit slapped out of you... So... I wish it was denial, but, the fact of the matter is I and many like me can't "just be doing steps to get that taken care of" because it's life threatening to do so, very very life threatening, and getting more dangerous by the day. For those who have gone through treatment, I'm glad for you, but, I also want you to stay safe and hope that things get better after they get worse because... it's too late for things to get better at the moment... we've already crossed that point.. and, short of an AI take-over (which actually could happen even in this year), it's more important that I hope the best for you and hope you're safe through all of this.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@metalgodess4892]

Im really glad i found this video! I kinda felt alone in my denial but hearing you talk about it has been very helpful especially since im feel like im in-between stage 2 and 3 of denial, thank you!

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful!

[@konstaConstant]

My denial has been a difficult one. It has been emotional detachment from my self and the world and other people since puberty. It developed into severe derealization and depression and anxiety. My body and posture tensely curled up. My feet cramped so i could barely walk. I got back pain. My female gender has been stuck in my body for over 10 years. Opening my body up to feeling through processing childhood emotional neglect in therapy, religious meditation and mindfulness practice, noticing how my gaze and body avoids some things for seemingly no reason, breathwork that feels like ass. I finally feel my body, at least from navel down.

[@bradleyvanderwesthuizen4271]

Thanks Dr Z for the brilliant content as usual! I haven't commented in a while for various reasons. I've just ended a relationship that was toxic and I'm relieved to say the least. Not living an authentic life and living in denial filtered through all avenues in my life from my responses, reactions and my entire personality. I've really been despicable to myself and people around me in how I've lived my life as a result. At the moment I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself and stepping out of my comfort zone to see if there are any avenues I can take to make sure I go through transition without the excuses I've given in the past. Yes I have extreme barriers living in an African country with little to no help but there is always a way to make a plan. I'm on HRT which makes the world of difference to my head space but I'm not doing anything else to transition in anyway. I suppose it's baby steps and one foot in front of another. I've continuously got into codependent toxic relationships as a result of my self worth and self esteem and that ends now. I move forward and I really pray that I stick by my transition. Thanks once again for being there for us because I know all that watch your channel love you dearly. You give so freely and your content is absolutely brilliant ❤

[@DRZPHD]

So sorry to hear about toxic relationship and glad to hear you are out of it. I'd suggest to see your transition as building a new home, each block is a small affirming step on top of another.

[@Yaboijack]

I started exploring stuff 7 years ago when i was 20. I pushed it down and convinced myself i was just lonely, and couldnt take myself seriously. I was very embarrassed to think about telling people i wanted to be a woman. I was single and just thought i was frustrated. Ive been in a relationship for a couple of years ago now, and glad ive pushed myself to come out to a couple if my friends and start taking hormones. Social transition soon.

[@Yaboijack]

And I think personally, the idea of social transition to me isn't as important as the fact I want to look like a woman.

[@jPup_]

Amazing explanation, thank you 💗🙏 Also your lip/nail/bookshelf-decor color coordination is flawless!

[@pauly3168]

I have been through all three phases between the ages of 50 and 55 at the age of 56. I know exactly who I am and what I want. I have a plan now, and I have put it into action. Step one I have gone with facial feminization and living myself as a true female daily. In six months, phase 2, and orchiectomy Phase months after the orchiectomy, fat redistribution into my hips and buttocks Phase 4 I am for neo vagina Phase 5 breast implants. The entire process will take at least three years and I have been on hormone replacement therapy for two years consistently as of today. My journey is totally different from everyone else, however, I have been through all three phases leading up to this point. I’m glad you were educating others about their dysphoria. Kisses 💋 P

[@hixsquishy2246]

I am going through a lot of this denial stuff. So much so that I'm on the fence about my orientation. I even teared up cause it feels like they read my mind and explained it.

[@anneallison6402]

Damn this feels so relatable it hurts a lot. Though I'm still not sure either I am trans or very gender fluid!

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry, don't intend to hurt.

[@nottodayjesus2482]

I'm finding that right now, I'm oscillating between the first two types of denial. Some days I feel as if I'm making it all up or at least taking it too far because I'm compensating for lost time, and other days I accept that I am a trans woman but a voice comes in that tells me it's not worth it to transition or that now is not the right time. There are moments, though, that I accept my true self and allow myself to imagine living as her, and in those moments I know I'm doing the right thing.

[@DRZPHD]

Oscillation is also common and I hope it will come to an end for you soon.

[@emilyramsey9079]

Hi Dr Z, The Red nails looks awesome on you🎉. I suffered with #1 for most of my younger 55yr until I discovered the word Transgender and the it's & outs of all that and figured out that was me and accepted the fact and chose to do something about it. All of that seems so long ago now that I'm finally living a happy life after transitioning 15 months ago. I have been guilty of #3 & am ashamed but am happy that I have worked on that and don't judge others anymore. My judging sprang from the pain and money, time and pain again from over a year of electrolysis and laser and the sadness of how much more is ahead of me compared to a few girls I personally know that won't do much as shave there goatee for a bunch of different excuses and wants to make a scene when they get miss gendered in a check out line and then to consider her and I as completely equal. And I'm not talking non binary and I've had to constantly get on to her about shaving or dress different so not to at least confuse children is what I'm getting at. It is in my opinion disgraceful and brings on negative and possibly dangerous attention all for being laziness. I try not to judge..😢 I just almost prefer to hang alone sometimes it's no different than work ethic to me like if you are working with some one and you are at least trying to do your job correctly and giving it your all and stuck with someone who could care less about there job and puts forth no effort but we are equal and both get paid the same. Not really fair. 😢 On a bright note I'm way far along with hair removal and am personally living my authentic life and very happy now.❤

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@kijs9032]

I've experienced all three forms of denial. Each one as difficult to deal with as the last. It has definitely delayed my transition by several years. While I could wish that I had taken steps sooner, it is also good to acknowledge that we all develop at our own rate. For me, it prevented me from making any decisions before I was mature enough to make them. It is a natural phase for people to go through when contemplating the change of such a core aspect of our identity and expression. This video helped me gain an understanding of the struggle and confusion I had to go through to get to where I am now

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and glad to hear the video brought clarity.

[@michaelcarey379]

Wow you are spot on doc....everything you said is exactly what I've gone thru....God bless you

[@LaFemmFatal]

I started feminizing to prove to myself I wasn’t trans. I was already super feminine from since I could remember and I was always insecure about it because I knew it was wrong and couldn’t hide it. People clocked me all the time. One day I got so angry at myself I had to prove myself correct. Turns out I was trans, and I only ended up affirming that in the end.

[@DRZPHD]

Sometimes people start over compensating to only derive at truth.

[@kathyroux7386]

It’s crazy. Many times over my life, I thought I must be a male in a woman’s body. Recently I have learned about what nonbinary is, and I came out to myself as at least nonbinary. I still may be trans male. I began getting in touch with my gender incongruity and dysphoria and even made an appointment for HRT (it’s 4 months from now). Then all of the sudden, I felt none of it is true, and I must be imagining everything. It felt like a slamming door. I am so confused. I know I didn’t imagine it and haven’t been making up these feelings all these years. Denial sucks.

[@Day-yl4uc]

Hello there, I'm a trans woman who detransition because of fear and pressure of surgeries especially the srs, now I have to deal with the consequences of my detransition I tend to judge others trans woman who modify their voice because I don't feel comfortable doing this. I just hope I'll be able to accept who I am and what I'm comfortable with ❤ Hoping to retransition too that felt really great

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@retro5533]

My denial phase was like imposter syndrome on steroids. I’m a trans woman/NB but didn’t really accept myself until my late 20s (still boymoding.) My deadname is the same as my fathers who was really the only man that really had a large presence in my life. He’s not a good man by any means though, and I didn’t really understand until my early teens (he was arrested when I was 8 - and it was in the news.) For that and other reasons I’ve had a Terfish self critical inner voice. I also have had disabilities since birth. Masculinity has always meant Alienation for me in a big way but this dynamic also really slowed down my ability to accurately understand myself. I think for this reason I’ve been particularly interested in the stories of trans men even if I can’t fully relate to them I want to know what/how they see masculinity - something that has just felt like a void for me. I also went through a compensatory phase where I tried to reclaim my masculinity, but it was before I knew transition was really an option (beyond some aged stereotypes.) Even after that I did go through a ‘but’ phase. I don’t have as much experience with the third phase - I think in part because my first real exposure to trans people were largely NB or GNC (aside from KZbinrs like Blaire.) I used to be anxious about my voice but after seeing many gorgeous people with more non-binary femininity I’m a lot more comfortable with my voice.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@johnlipsey5986]

You are so right, because I fill myself doing this sometimes.

[@JC-bg6mq]

I don't know how to thank you DrZ, I read your book and by the way it was amazing. About the denial...I am all the cases 😅. I understand that I'm transgender but my body it is so masculine that I keep making excuses to go foward. Right know I'm taking pills for my anxiety, I'm afraid of taking the next step, I know a have to transition but my 6.2 height and muscular body...makes me feel like Chewbacca 😂. I hope one day I accept my self and do what is right.

[@itsjessicanow]

Dear JC, I have also been telling myself for years that I cannot transition, because I am 6’9’’. I have been toughing it out despite considerable gender dysphoria for some 13 years; I am still pre everything. I am now getting to the conclusion that transition will have to happen for me in some shape or form within the next 2-4 years, because just continuing to exist with such painful dysphoria is too much - and I do realize that on the occasions when I am confident enough and thus able to express myself authentically, I generate so much positive energy within myself. And I have come to the conclusion that not transitioning is not tenable forever. I am currently just waiting for 2 years until finishing a job assignment abroad and being transferred back to the US to start. At that time also, I will be sufficiently close to early retirement that if all goes wrong with the transition, my family is financially safe, so it is not the end of the world. I need this risk management to have the confidence and serenity to move forward. Just wanted to share this with you. Maybe it will help you in your reflections on your height. And regarding your muscle mass and body shape, estrogen may help quite a bit.

[@DRZPHD]

@JC-bg6mq thank you for reading and supporting my book. I have many many many clients who are 6.2 and beyond. Its not the height, trust me, but perception of it and how you hold yourself. I am myself 5'11. Tall women are fucking amazing!

[@SigiMcCabe]

Complete denial. Check It's just a kink / Yes, but. Check Second phase was the most difficult and harmful to my wife and I. Once I finally accepted myself and came out to her, she immediately accepted and encouraged me to find community and guidance. She's helping me become her happy wife.

[@cathnbabs]

The first phase of denial (wich I'm just getting over) made me feel I was dying emotionally, spiritually and psychologically.

[@KarolaTea]

I know there's a lot of 'fake doctors' online, so clicking the video of someone who claims to be an expert always has me wondering if they actually are. But honestly with this one I don't care, this video has been very insightful. I'd like to add phase 2B: I'm trans/nonbinary and probably should do something about it... but how can I somehow make it so that it doesn't actually clash with society/I don't have to come out. Surely I can just be a butch woman, or a camp man, or very androgenous but still pretend to be cis, yes? That'll still clash with society, but less than openly being trans/nonbinary.

[@joefarrow1599]

The denial is so much I'm trying so hard to move past it but I'm just fighting and kicking inside and it's really painful...

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry, denial is a shitty swamp.

[@rorygiambalvo2955]

I'm currently going from 2-3 and still facing doubts that I am trans. Whenever a family member questions me asking if I'm sure and things like top surgery are what I really want, I start to doubt myself again out of fear of regret. I let those fears control me all my life. I can't keep doing that. I won't. I may not know what it means to be a man, how it feels. I may not have ever had the experiences cis boys get, and I have an ever-growing love and respect for femininity. But i am not a woman. And thats okay.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@rowan864]

I remember feeling a sort of disconnection with being a girl and questioning why I feel so different, I took a transgender test and researched transition I would have to go through if I were, from hormone Thearpy to the expensive surgeries I looked no further and pushed it down. “That seems too confusing and hard, I can’t be transgender.” 3 years later I finally come to terms with it and I start seeing a gender specialist, at first I reminder being told I couldn’t begin hormone Thearpy yet I was angry but after some time I began to realize how huge of a thing this would be again and I started to really think on it. My doctor told me about all of the irreversible changes, I researched more, ended up watching a bunch of these videos by detransitioners, warning people not to transition unless it is “life or death”. Now I am currently in a stage of doubt. I’ve always dreamed of wanting to be a boy, a man, I have little dysphoria, I like my body it’s nice, but it doesn’t feel like me. I get a tiny bit of dysphoria when I’m trying to pass and I have side boob or for my hips but not as much as so many others, to the point it’s unbearable, I feel like that is leading into my doubt and I’ve started to doubt if I’m not trans because as you said in one of your other videos, I’ve gone through the ‘cloud 9’ stage, come to realization and now I’m doubting. I have some dysphoria but not to the point of depression over my self. I could live as a female without being in complete devastation but it feels wrong. When I think of letting go of my trans self it feels like part of me, an important part, is being plucked away because deep down I know this is me, I’m just afraid of some inner thing I’m not seeing with myself like these so many detransitioners.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@AutomaticDuck300]

I know what you mean and I feel exactly the same. It’s not the end of the world to live as the gender I was born as, however I am losing a part of myself by doing that.

[@deedoherty4663]

❤ hey Dr. Z, thank you again for another great video. This is so so applicable to me. Scary! But very reassuring in a way that my own experience isn't as unique 😅

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear it was helpful. Oftentimes there is comfort in knowing others go through this.

[@davinamarshall2780]

I must have asked myself a million times, why, why, why do I feel this way and I would always tell myself I just need to be a better boy and later a better man and this terrible thing will go away.

[@mllecamill3]

This video and the explanations were very helpful to me, I have to say. I can definitely see it and am making, of course, comparisons to how I feel currently and try to make sense of my feelings and how they apply to those described phases. Very helpful.

[@AudrieBrusehaber]

I am a woman with trans experience. Whenever I wonder if my gender identity is wrong, I always end up asking myself this question: Do you see yourself as a woman? I always say yes. I see if I could say to myself that I am my assigned gender at birth. Something deep within my conscience stops me before I can even say "man" every time. Whenever I have tried to consider myself as such, I have bad panic attacks. The only way down from them is for me to acknowledge my womanhood. But it's hard though. A lot of the person I am can easily be read as "masculine" even though I been taking HRT for over two years and my legal name change stuff is all done, aside from still needing to get my birth certificate updated. A lot of my doubt comes from the basis of me having happy and positive experiences while I was identifying as my AGAB. Also, I sometimes grieve the loss of simplicity I once had when I was living as such. But in reality, I wasn't doing a good job then in taking care of myself physically and emotionally. I just had people in my life who saw me as likable. Also, as a competitive distance runner, I often miss the speed and athleticism I once had. For reference, I joined my local running club a week or two after starting HRT. I was among the fastest boys when I started with the club. Now, I oscillate between the middle of the pack and the very back of the girls.

[@ConQuestie]

4:00 I think that was one of the things for me that never really clicked, my mum is a pretty masculine lesbian, was in the military, and would constantly be doing more stereotypically masculine things, and the only cis-het woman I would see with regularity was my step mother who was my dads wife, and she was... less than kind. so I never really grew up with stereotypical gender norms. But as I was talking to my friend about possibly being trans, she mentioned to me that I had mentioned several times that I had said "I was into women in the way lesbians are not like how men are" and while we were dating, she would say was concerned I was gay and would come out to her at any moment because I was a lot more feminine than other men she knew. in hindsight, the signs were there that I wasn't as cis as I may have initially thought.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@stasacab]

My special way of denial was contraindications, which there were many at that time. The most prominent was schitzophrenia. I thought that I had become schitzophrenic and all these psychological tests would immediately reveal it and I would be then admitted to hospital. (I do not know if there is a Dr Z vid about contraindications. Now, I think, it is possible to differentiate a usual, delusional, schizophrenic and one that is not only schizophrenic, but legitimately trans as well). But no, I passed all the test. I was given clean papers.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@neowolf09]

Yea I totally was hoping my therapist would tell me i was wrong. 😅

[@DRZPHD]

That's a very common thought.

[@mikearisbrocken8507]

I didn't have denial itself, I mostly was just longing for a more androgynous body, but thinking I just wanted to be a slim man, then one day the thought of gender itself, not only aesthetics came into mind. Actually I began to suspect I was a trans woman. I dressed as a woman and although I liked it, I realized it wasn't what I wanted either, so I began to dress androgynous and it was so much better. I identify as NB fluid. Although I only use masculine and feminine pronouns (mostly for phonetics, I don't like how neutral pronouns sound, but that is just me), although since I live in a very conservative country, I am mostly called by masculine ones.

[@mikearisbrocken8507]

Ok, no. I lied. I did had the "but" phase, and I wish I could say I got over it, but it was mostly the weight loss from a gastric surgery.

[@rebeccasam3434]

Yeeep. I’m currently in phase 3 most of the time, though I regularly go into at least phase 2. And I spent years after coming out the first time repressing as hard as I could I don’t actually think I can have any kind of meaningful transition…it’s like LOOK at me. I’m stuck in a weird limbo and always have been

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@rebeccasam3434]

@@DRZPHD I wish I'd proofread my post ahead of time! I think it's fixed... 😬

[@Kayclau]

Honestly, I've considered getting the surgery, but I'm genuinely scared I might regret it. Thankfully it's not a cause of stress, I often forget it's even there.

[@DRZPHD]

I would suggest exploring your feelings around fear of regret vs. rushing into things.

[@moooforyou]

After taking T, I no longer feel non binary, I feel like a gay woman and feel I have made a terrible mistake. I am only 4 months on T. However, after a month I recognized I may just be a gay woman and felt zero sense I am actually a male. I made the cognitive switch to being a masculine gay or queer woman. My doctor thought this was regression, but I think I am just accepting myself for who I really am. Testosterone can change your gender identity and sexual orientation it said on the sheet I signed right before initiating hormones. What I now think is T changed my gender identity, and continuing to take it is doing the opposite and I am becoming more fem more girly and rejecting all things trans or non binary. I started seeking more and more validation externally I a male, but I did not get this. Everyone continued to use my legal name and she/her/hers pronouns and I think I just need to accept this is not internalized transphobia, its internalized homophobia. I appear fem because of long hair and almost no one has accepted I am non binary and assume I am a trans man, and may get verbally abusive towards me and try to call me out on it. I have had several very violent interactions with the medical system since coming out and its gotten worse and worse. I could not accept I am a masc gay woman. And I still have trouble accepting this. I have seen myself as male and female all my life. Why the hell would taking T, (even in an invalidating environment) cause me to lose that sense that I am a man? Not that I am masculine. I have lost the sense I am a "real boy". And it breaks my heart. I want to role with the punches transitioning, but at this point I wish I had not come out to such a violently hateful group of medical practitioners and because I no longer see myself as a man. It is like waking up with your left leg gone. I always had these two legs, now I have one to stand on. And I accept I am a gay woman and move on with my life or continue trying to box myself into being non binary. I feel me wanting to be seen as a man is regression, me wanting to accept myself as a gay woman is just coming to accept and understand myself.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@i3ignorantidelweb43]

Is it normal to experience all three phases together? I’m 18 and since I was 6 I knew I was more similar to guys than to girls and I was really sad that guys didn’t want to be my friend for the “girl” label I had. I didn’t understand that this label was for the way you grow up and genitalia. I knew this when I was 10 and I knew I wanted to actually look like a guy and have male genitalia, so everyone understood that I was just a normal 10-years old boy. I thought the way I appeared and the confusion among other people was mirrors’ fault (yeah I know it’s silly haha). Anyway now I know I’m trans but what if it’s not enough? What if I’m really not? What if I’m pretending? What if I misunderstood my inner child? What if I transition and regret it? And when I look at other trans mascs, even pre-transition, they’re handsome and I’m an ugly girl. So it’s a full mix of all 3 now

[@andreeswenson5099]

I was still in denial when I went to my GP(Australia), aged 61, wanting breasts and toenails. I didn't acknowledge I was trans until I was a woman. I suspect the stress of the covid disruptions was the final straw. Never hyper masculinity, rather I felt all masculinity was toxic. That has moderated a lot since transitioning. I would attempt to open something and think it was stuck, not realising I wasn't using any effort. Literally not knowing my own strength.

[@Shawn-p5y]

I'm not in denial anymore. My insurance company on the other hand is. Covered procedure was cancelled last moment last week, because insurance denied coverage

[@DRZPHD]

Ouch I am so sorry.

[@robynrox]

First one, yes (I've talked before about my pilot and martial arts training). Second one, yes - but that was short-lived for me as after experimenting with my gender expression, the evidence was plain for me to see; it took one weekend of essentially mourning after deciding that it would not be in my best interests to transition to come round to needing to transition; following that, I aggressively pursued transition and even surprised myself in how quickly I socially transitioned. Third one - possibly my recent reassessment of my gender identity is this one? I don't have sufficient motivation to make my voice more feminine - despite having gone through courses and knowing what to do, something's holding me back. Perhaps that's because trans-feminine non-binary is a better description of me; it's just a label, but it does make me feel less phoney to myself. Also I would like to get X on my passport, rather than F (which I could do now - I have the necessary paperwork), and that's been invariant. Perhaps it's because I have a strong conviction that gender should not matter in society. I also always said that this is not about being a woman, it's about being me - but then, I think we all have masculine and feminine attributes. I also wonder if the abuse aimed at trans women in the media could be responsible for some of it. I do have a tendency to ramble in my replies here, but I do appreciate that you help me to think about these matters, even if I don't always find clarity in my thoughts.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Darla_Lo]

Yes, 100 percent done it all

[@katasasin]

I'm in the phase 3 right now, with 4 months hrt. I say to people that I take hormones but don't tell I'm transgender.

[@AshlynHoliday]

What I'm wondering is how do you work towards coping with something like this when you have very bad anxiety in general.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats a tough one to be honest as everyones coping will be drastically different. I would first approach it from the angle of what causes an increased anxiety and focus on working on that first.

[@3blackbird]

That necklace is AMAZING. 💜

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you! Its plastic too and super lightweight.

[@josephbelisle5792]

I guess I am lucky. I do face some denial but it's my male identity of the past 56 years not giving up. Well not wholly. It has given up some. And I will never give it all up. But I accepted I am trans pretty well. What exactly I will do I'm not sure yet. Much of me demands to go all the way. Not ultra femme. But HRT and bottom surgery. Still working on that. But I have to thank the silver lining of CPTSD. It has made figuring out my past and who I am harder in the respect of confusing the issues and amnesia but all the work I've done throughout my life and in trauma therapy has made working out and accepting I am trans,...easier I think. Right now I slowly transitioning and I'm in therapy for my trauma and gender issues. I will see. I have dreams and I want to make sure I am happy for the final decades of my life. I've been miserable, scared, scarred, feeling insane, lonely, broken, ...all my life. If I have a chance at being happy with myself. I'm going for it.

[@roxyraccoon9126]

Dr. Z, what if someone can't move past that first stage of denial?

[@bobbylee9727]

"a trans woman with a penis" is a phrase which is still so new to us, Doc. when i heard you say this i thought of Contrapoints of You Tube fame who had a video on the feminine penis, i.e., "girl dick versus boy dick." in my old mind, i still get unsettled when i hear this discussion always thinking that if a man wants to transition MtF, then cut it off already.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes our language and paradigms are shifting which I think is a good thing.

[@thelemon5069]

I like my dick though I just want to be pretty with boobs and all but like I'm terrified of surgery and I don't have dysphoria about my penis.

[@bobbylee9727]

@@DRZPHD i completely agree...we're in a "new age" so to speak and need to share all ideas.

[@eris_void]

i'm not sure you will see this, but thank you and i have a request. can you make a video about ways to deal with these form of denial? i lost 41 years of my true self to the first stage. the second stage was easy, and i'm not sure i even experienced it, but i'm having real issues with holding myself to standards a 42 year old trans woman won't be able to meet. i deeply fear that i'll only ever be able to be seen as a man in a dress, or a monster. it's my worst fear. i would also request more of a series that talks directly more to therapists who aren't as experienced as you with gender issues, though i'm not sure how you would do this.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi, thank you. I read every comment 🤗 Great idea on video on denial. As far as videos for therapists, to be honest, if any therapist takes time to watch all of the videos on here, they would get a fantastic, in my opinion, free education!

[@mollyloveyou2]

thank u so much

[@DRZPHD]

You are most welcome!

[@Versul1]

I love your costume design for the Incredibles

[@DRZPHD]

That was my twin! I decide superhero suits for trans folks.

[@morgan6999]

What so you do if you feel happy as your masculine self but do also love your feminine being. How do I know which is my true self?

[@N3rdwhal9]

In my opinion, it doesn't have to be one or the other. It's possible that your true self is a combination of your masculine and feminine selves. For me, my gender leans more masculine, and I have what others have referred to as "feminine traits". I don't think it's shameful or inherently false to have elements of both. You could be a masculine or butch woman, a nonbinary person, bigender, or anything in between. I like to think that the description of one's gender is up to the individual to explore and develop over time, even in adulthood. I wish you the best of luck in your gender discovery! ❤

[@DRZPHD]

I’d encourage you to explore why it can’t be both?

[@DeusExMachinae01]

It's tough to transition when other trans people in your life are in denial stage 3 😮‍💨

[@DRZPHD]

Ahhh I am so sorry.

[@thatdidact7893]

I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere between Stage 2 and 3. You'd think acknowledging that would remove that denial, but it doesn't.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Thazofobik]

I am in between these two and phase three

[@whatscrackinboys]

Is it possible to go through the phases and once you start doing something about it and start coming out to people, the cycle starts over again because of people’s reactions?

[@debbiegilmour6171]

3:50 hit me hard

[@EmberNyxtical]

random teen here lmao first off uhhh third one hasnt happened to me yet and hopefully will never, that would be odd to have it even after knowing its a… flawed (? idk if thats the word im looking for atp) mindset that isnt true. also the second… i dont think it happened to me first one is sorta similar to my current situation except i already identify as non-binary and the discomfort with my chest (afab) only started after i started identifying as an enby. so im just like “i dont think this is real gender dysphoria, it only started after i started identifying.” and “its probably fake because it only started after starting to identify as an enby and others having dysphoria probably made my brain start trying to mimic that feeling.” some of this may be partially because i know that not every trans/nonbinary person experiences dysphoria, and i havent had to deal w this feeling before i started questioning at all. and im still questioning my gender. cus like- all i can say for sure bout my gender is im not male, but i dont actually know where the feeling of gender comes from. ive been thinking my adhd might have affected smth with my experience of gender but it also might not have (also im trying out just. microlabels. currently trying ADnurix). and also when i was younger i was completely fine w being referred to as female. also i get distracted from figuring out my gender a bit too often if im really trying to man im a mess. anyways can someone help me here

[@carlbenj1668]

You helped in 1 and 2, but the 3rd part I just cant do,wish i did it 45 years ago,but it was a no no back then, now after 43 years marriage 4 kids and 11 grandkids,do i risk it all to come out,I know how the wife and kids feel about,most grandkids no too so do.i.come out now to loose the loves of my life? I just can't

[@youtubewatcher830]

i wish to you all the love and all the support. it is not easy feeling trapped. i feel that 100 percent right now. i would try to find people in your community who make you feel safe. make sure you’re safe if you do come out. consult in a therapist who can work you through this. you are never alone.

[@JoshuaRoudenko89]

Thanks doc

[@riaankruger4217]

well i am not sure i am have disphoria but the fact that i am watching and researching in this is maybe a light sign that i am also i haven't really had anyone to talk about it and some part of me think of how i could feel girly and the most part say no is just a phase you going through which i hope it is haha but if any of you have an opinion on this would love to hear it maybe it can assist me in clearing up this confusion

[@jongroom2954]

What an absolute load of rubbish. Male and female it's not that hard .

[@asherahalchemy5101]

Denial..delusion...ideology...social shaming...derailment...delusion..."truth"...

[@bobhello6886]

the one thing i hate is the feeling in my stomach feeling like i should be a woman, but for no reason ive pondered on the reason my head dissagrees n i just cant figure that out... lmk if anyone else have this problem thx

[@Detective_Wallace]

I'm confused when filling things out if I should put trans woman or woman? I was born male now transitioning to a woman (my authentic self).

[@DRZPHD]

Honestly that’s totally up to you. I see woman as one large umbrella term with trans and cis under and non binary femme

[@Detective_Wallace]

@@DRZPHD Thank you.

[@DavidWoodland-k2l]

I have decided that I am trangender

[@fatoumata7624]

Can we go back an forth from 1 to 3 ?

[@DRZPHD]

Yes it can fluctuate if you are in denial ar those stages.

[@fatoumata7624]

@@DRZPHD Can fake trans fluctuate from stages, back and forth ?

[@miyahollands6136]

He, he, he - you said Butt....!

[@DRZPHD]

???

[@miyahollands6136]

@@DRZPHD It was a minions reference 😊