2 Patterns of Behavior Happens When You Realize You are Transgender.

[@chelseam2178]

I knew from a very young age that I was female not male, but because of family and societal pressure I acted like a boy. Puberty was a very confusing time, (there was no support in the 80s) I thought because I wanted to be female I was gay, even though I was attracted to girls. Then as a young man I suppressed those feelings by becoming hyper masculine. In my mid twenties I was very depressed using crisscrossing and alcohol as a coping mechanism. Then I meet my wife and I thought this would solve my problem.....NO! Now at the age of 58 I have a new problem a gender crisis, with a wife and adult son thrown in the mix.😦

[@Brian.8272]

Im 54 and after a heart attack decided to start to live androgynous trying to express my femininity as best i can with a wife and 6 kids ranging in age from 31 to 15, its not easy, I tried hyper-masculine also for years

[@chelseam2178]

@@Brian.8272 I have also been doing little things to try and cope, I stopped weight lifting and started yoga to lean out my physique, shaping my brows, growing my nails a bit longer, and adopting a more feminine demeanor. I would grow my hair long but I'm bald. Lately these things haven't been working very well

[@DRZPHD]

@chelseam2178 experiencing gender crisis is never easy. It is, while very hard, is a sign of something needing to change. I wish you well.

[@fatoumata7624]

What is your définition of mâle ?

[@chelseam2178]

@@fatoumata7624 by male, I mean sex not gender.

[@aerialjordan2683]

I'm in the second camp. You have no idea how freeing this was, learning that the second camp exists. I felt so alone and failing the helpful, supportive people who have cheered at any progress I've shown. I'm afraid of not letting my truth out in the open, by living my transition openly. Instead I'm so scared of letting what's inside me to come out. To be vulnerable with people and scared of backlash. Because I want to be this girl I know I can be, but I'm afraid of being the girl I should be. I hope that makes sense. Thanks Dr Z for showing that my transgender situation is the second camp. I saw this video go up, and it had just what I needed.

[@jessicatymczak5852]

Sweetie, no matter what, transition is very hard. At first I was like that, terrified of transitioning. Now, I am embracing it. But no matter what, your terrified. But remember, there are people out there who will love and support you no matter what. ❤

[@DRZPHD]

@aerialjordan2683 Hi, you are so not alone! Many feel this way. Whats important is not to let your resistance keep you stuck. You and everyone else deserve to be happy and it starts with moving forward even if feeling afraid. As Jessica below said, there are people out there who will love an support you!

[@johnnyshins511]

I'm the same, it's great to know that I'm not alone in this. Instead of feeling freed I'm simply terrified and don't want to let it out as much as I know it won't help me to keep the pressure building up. It's a struggle to keep it up too, once I realised I was trans I had constant panic attacks, for my entire shift at work it was just panic attack after panic attack, feeling totally disconnected from my body and wanting to just collapse and cry on the shop floor. I hope you've managed to make some progress Aerial because if your experience is anything like mine, I do not wish it on you for longer than needed.

[@beckett7707]

I fall into the first camp; but over this last year, I’ve become so frightened that I feel myself slipping into the second camp. Realising who I am was so freeing, but then all the social aspects of being trans have left me wondering if I have the strength to move through the world as my true self. Your videos continue to help me find my way. Thanks, Dr Z.

[@DRZPHD]

Ohhh ohh please be careful not to slip into 2nd camp. That one is akin to quick sand, it really does have the power to consume you.

[@daisyb5646]

I echo this experience very closely. I am just not strong and confident enough to let Daisy flourish in such a toxic world for trans people, which has got noticeably worse in the 3 plus years I have been privately trans, and I am a very self conscious, shy person, which dosent help. Very informative video yet again, Thank you so much

[@harlow0917]

my experience too! im a teen and i came out when it was a "trend" in 2020 which is now making me doubt myself and now that thats all over im facing more of the self-hatred side of things

[@jonhykes5562]

Closeted for school at 5. I gound out why they wanted me to closet. At 69, it was still dangerous in most of the country. I ran out of f***s to give and decided that I couldn't go on living that lie. Puberty was hell. I briefly took up cutting. I was suicidal. I still have CPTSD. From getting caught in my own wood lot, wearing a dress at the age of 7, I have stage 3 renal failure in my right kidney. I was afraid to tell anyone what had happened, so I didn't get care for the injuries. I hid the bruises. Life went on that way for a lifetime. I had to prove my macho repeatedly. I risked my life often on stupid dares. It was always too danderous to come out. There were vice squads, homicidal homophobes, and preachers stoking the flames. I'm a girl, G*******t! I just had the misfortune of having the wrong stuff between my legs. It's not me. It's the culture@

[@JeffTiberend]

I’ve known I’m trans for 15 years plus. I’m also 52 years old. I’ve had a trans female friend for several years. Well, we would chat every so often. Lately we would chat, and somehow she opened my female self that I had worked so hard to bury. I don’t know how to cope with Pandora’s box now being opened. I worry that I’m not going to be able to close it again.

[@GwennGates]

Oh definitely in the first camp!😂😂😂😂 After accepting myself as a woman of transgender experience, and coming out with the help of my therapist, the release of emotions was like a floodgate and I have felt incredible! I have embraced my femininity and in the past 14 months since coming out, started living full time as female, started HRT, Electrolysis, voice therapy, and in 2 weeks will be meeting with a surgeon for pre-surgical evaluation for FFS! Since the floodgates of emotion have opened, I feel so free to be myself, and the happiest that I have ever been in my 60+ years of living. The best is yet to come for me! Thank you Dr. Z for another spot on, great video! Great topic which inspires incredible soul searching into who we really are as our authentic self! ❤❤

[@DRZPHD]

So glad you felt amazing, the flood gates opening can feel scary but also so alive.

[@chrislevant817]

I was 13 when I discovered I was trans gender. It was 1968. If people could have heard the scream that went off in my head then blood would have poured from their every orifice ,and pregnant women would have miscarried. A sense of shame, panic,and worthlessness proceeded to fill my days.I hid myself in a haze of drugs and alcohol. It wasn't until my mid 30s that I tried to live as a woman. I had booked an appointment to look into gender reassignment surgery when my father fell very ill, my mother couldn't cope and I had to return home to look after them. I put everything on hold. What a waste. Then in my 50s I discovered that I had Mild Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. It explained a lot. I'm 69 now and look at my profile picture. Happy, but with regrets. Carpe Diem ladies and gentlemen. Seize the day. Don't be like me-too sissy to have gender reassignment! 15:40

[@brookerenee650]

Queen of Group One. People often ask who was first person I came out to and I always say myself. Yes, for decades I knew I was different but I would compartmentalize those feelings and pretend it was something else. When I finally acknowledged my true self to myself is when those flood gates opened. History has yet to witness a dam break with a trickle and I was not different.

[@DRZPHD]

Queen!!! I love that.

[@berf9445]

I guess I'm mostly in the second group, I'm terrified and feel shame about being transgender. But I have changed so many things. Come out to my siblings but not my parents, changed my clothes, hair, started binding. I just got a transgender specialist therapist that I start with next week. I hope I can work through my fear of fully becoming me.

[@DRZPHD]

All the best to working with your therapist. Fantastic start!

[@kijs9032]

Group 1 here. I feel like since I had my realization, things have been moving incredibly fast. The people around me are very supportive, which also helps keep the momentum going. While waiting times are incredibly long here, I realize that I can already make some steps to explore my gender identity in my free time. For the first time in my life, I'm excited for what the future will bring.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so happy to hear you feel excited about the future. Wish you all the best.

[@jop5851]

Group #2 100%, I don't think it's 1 thing in particular but but if i had to narrow it down i'd say I know how my family feels about these things and the unknown part of transition. i sometimes think that if i could find some sort of peace in my mind that would be enough and i wouldn't need to do any kind of physical or social transition, i listen to your channel to try and find understanding, then i stop because i know i can't go through with it, i try to not think about it and push these thoughts and emotions back down but it never seems to last very long anymore before i feel this kind of pull or need to be feminine. so i go back to trying to understand it, for some reason clothing is very comforting to me i feel some semblance of peace in a dress more than anything. trust is hard for me so it's not something i can talk face to face with anyone. when i went through my divorce i went to a therapist because it was strongly suggested i do so at work and i could never bring myself to talk about the why of my issues i knew what went through my mind during intimacy but i didn't understand it, just that it felt the roles should be reversed kind of thing. i guess i'll just a hot mess till the day i die, we all have a cross to bear i guess this is mine

[@mac1967]

You are real. What your intuition is telling you is valid. But give yourself time to accept it on your own terms. You have control but it's hard to see that when you're overwhelmed with all these confusing thoughts. You'll be okay

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Queen_of_Swords1]

How is your journey now? I feel a lot like you and just don't know where to even begin or how to vocialize it

[@jop5851]

@@Queen_of_Swords1 i struggle everyday, not so much a denial of who i am but how to live, i still try to bury my feelings like i have all my life and focus on anything else, then for no reason there's that voice in my head or maybe i'll see a hairstyle that i like or a cute outfit and sadness overtakes me, i feel so alone and empty.it's like being the rope in a game of tug of war with who and what i'm expected to be vs this voice in my head that says no you were never really male you're meant to be softer more feminine. it just tears me apart. it can take days or even weeks to be able to push those feelings back down, (they never go away and i guess they never will), and refocus on what my reality is. a part of me dies every time i do that and i've been doing it for 60 years, not much left that's good anymore. i definitely know my siblings along with my daughter and her husbands view on anything relating to this. having 2 granddaughters weighs heavily. i really do miss not having Dr. Z's youtube. i began to understand things that i never knew existed outside of my head. she has a beautiful soul and the world is a better place with her in it. hind sight being what it is i wish i could go back and tell the 20 year old me to make some sort of change or face a lifetime of anxiety and misery. i'm sorry I'm sure this isn't what you were hoping to hear and honestly i wasn't even going to respond but then i thought maybe my failure could be the catalyst you need to step forward, find happiness and beauty in your true life. please don't be me, try online therapy if you don't want to be face to face when expressing yourself. just find someone to start talking to, take baby steps, find out who you are and live that life. i hope that you can find and live the life that is the best version of you, that you find true friends along the way and with it acceptance and love

[@bridgetteliddell8286]

I knew really young but it became crystal clear at 14. I welded those gates shut and it lasted until 36.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@wendyvance5144]

I definitely fall into group #1. When I first realized I am transgender, I immediately sought out a therapist and went through informed consent to start my HRT. During this time, I was going through gender crisis. The crisis calmed down as I started crossing off stages in my transition.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad the crisis came to a halt as you started focusing on your health.

[@LarryPhischman]

Hey Doc, I just “hatched” last month after over a decade of questioning and four years of active denial. I’m laying the groundwork to hopefully start MTF HRT this summer. Long story short, the symptoms of GD have been growing most of my life, but no one ever asked me how I felt about being male and I never told anyone how unpleasant I find it because I didn’t want to be yelled at. I’m 34, and under modern diagnostic criteria I think I could been diagnosed and transitioned 20 years ago. I can’t help be angry at myself for ignoring or accepting as “normal” (I’m autistic and come from a toxic family) symptoms that should have been red flags. I’ve lost a lot of my life. And I can’t help but mourn for the life I could have had if I came from an emotionally supportive environment. Ironically I’m actually in a pretty good place to transition in the near future. I don’t have a social life or any human dependents to care for, I have a decent job with insurance that should pay for most of transition, and live in a state where I can’t be fired or evicted for being trans. I’m not close to my family, but we’re all pro human rights and they’ll accept what I’m doing when I start HRT; I’m not telling them sooner because I want to avoid until after an upcoming family vacation out of country. Also my mom has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old girl and will spend the first two months after I come out contradicting my lived experience and making me wanting to be a woman all about herself and her parenting before she accepts my decision. I have a few questions about MTF HRT that I haven’t seen addressed anywhere, and I’m hoping you can at least point me to useful resources. (1) Is transitioning incrementally as HRT progresses acceptable. I don’t want to change my behavior, dress, name or pronouns until those I currently have stop working for me. I also do not want to create any kind of drama or acrimony in my office or attract attention from people I don’t directly work with. I’m not transitioning for anyone else. And frankly the prospect of “stealthing” at the office until changes become obvious sounds like a fun little game. But I don’t want to harm myself or do anything that would harm the standing of the trans community (I’m new to it, but I care about it). (2) Does MTF HRT affect motor coordination, spacial reasoning, or mathematic aptitude? I’m an engineer and use those skills every day. I need to know whether to invest in products that could offset any diminishment. (3) Are there any safe ways to maximize physical changes from HRT? I missed the best years to transition, but desperately want good results. I know about increasing calorie, fat, and protein intake, but are there any supplements or pharmaceuticals that can make positive contributions? I’m supposed to have an appointment with a gender specialist in the next two weeks. But I always value additional expert opinions. EDIT: My reaction hasn’t been like either of you examples. The emotional flood gates opened and the ride from that has not been enjoyable, but I have no desire to start transitioning until I’m ready. Instead I immediately put myself on a weight loss program, got a therapist, and am trying to make myself more indispensable at work. I’m an engineer, and a good engineer doesn’t start assembly until they have most of the parts on hand. EDIT: Actually, yeah, I’m group 2, and I wasted 4 years in denial. It took a state of existential terror induced by the book “Arsenals of Folly” and a trans right’s activist reading a list of symptoms that might as well have been my life story to force me over the Rubicon.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. While I can't answer question 2 because thats best suitable for a medical doctor, here is my input on 1 and 3. 1. Yes you can totally not come out or disclose anything until you feel confident due to changes coming in on HRT. The key is to find a balance that works for you. there is no one way doing it. 3. Best way to maximize HRT effects is to work with a good doctor who knows what they are doing. Also I mention several key factors in my lates mega post: drzphd.com/trans-feminine-blog-1/trans-feminine-the-ultimate-guide-to-gender-transition

[@shelleyfromtheblock]

A critical piece of self-care I picked up early in transition is to be gentle with your self. You did the best you could with the information available to you 💜

[@sab1229]

Am in second camp I started off feeling excited but over time even though I'm a year on HRT I feel more and more dead inside every month and less inclined/more afraid to express myself I have a whole closet of clothes I never wear bc of how much I judge myself & feel ashamed to be seen by others, even though I know sharing my true self would make me infinitely happier Feels bad

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear. That sounds like strong feelings of guilt and shame which are so incredibly common. You are not alone and I really don't want you to be so hard on yourself.

[@ChristianCatboy]

Yeah... I keep going through cycles of feeling discouraged. The thing about transition that gives me hope now, is that my mood will probably be different in a week or two, and if not, then it should improve in the spring. I'm not fully in control of my feelings any more, and that's a good thing. Just gotta keep taking my pills, so for me that's something I can keep doing, even when I don't feel like it, because past seasons of gender euphoria give me hope for the future 🙂

[@sab1229]

@@DRZPHD Thankyou, I think i needed to hear something like this Your videos have helped me a long along my journey too

[@itsme.nicholas]

Definitely type 2. When i was 15 i realized i was trans because a trans guy came to my school to talk about his experience as a trans man. I had no idea what being trans meant, i had no idea what transition or dysphoria or anything else was. I just sat there and thought "oh s*it. I feel like that". I was freaked out so much. I told a couple of people, they didnt react well and I consciously put mysefl back into the closet until 2022, when i was 19. I came out for real this time, told people and began using he/him pronouns and started to present myself as a guy completely. Then i began thinking about transitioning medically, and telling my parents and my family and i slipped back into group 2. I'm so freaked out, pessimistic, scared by the future and the changes. I hate changes, i have a lot of anxiety even around the stupidest changes or decisions that i have to make in my day to day life. I have a great therapist and i'm trying to work this trough, but seeing that it is a common experience makes me feel better. I dont want to regret not doing anything, not taking "action"

[@cannibalcosplay]

Definitely group 1. Even speaking with my gender therapist feels like such a release for me because it feels like I'm finally doing SOMETHING at least and not repressing it and I love exploring myself and giving myself the space to be not judge and talk about all feelings regarding gender. However, while i am like this with myself in private and with friend's i do also stop some aspects of transition due to a lot of self dout, fear and society implications.

[@DRZPHD]

Totally hear you on fear and society implications but remember, fear is common and will be there. The goal is not to get rid of fear but to walk alongside with it.

[@Xcorgi]

My appointment is just two weeks away to start HRT and now I’m absolutely obsessed with starting my transition.

[@Valerie_Valkyrie315]

Once I realized I was and accepted it, I figured I was too old to do anything ( it was just the fear in a different form) so I did nothing and hid away from everyone. Then I finally started HRT and WOW what a difference! Now I want it all TODAY but I understand it's a process. I'm letting the HRT do its thing as I figure out the rest.

[@DRZPHD]

Totally hear you on wanting it TODAY!

[@Recovery7]

My experience is a bit different. I already knew i was different and since there has been a lot of homophobia and transphobia going around in my country and in my family since i was a kid, I suppressed my feelings. I had the emotions of group 2 when I was, for the first time, coming out to my siblings. But after and before coming out, i didn't feel like that at all. Because I already knew what I was, I just didn't accept it. On the other hand, i mostly didn't feel like group 1 as well. I think that's because of the people around me who taught me to not be myself. So I can say I've been going back and forth between the groups that've mentioned in the video. Thank you for helping me understand myself better. I'm still going through a lot of mental stress and this was helpful.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@kirsteneklund2509]

7 years ago I had to see a psychiatrist & psychologist ( non-gender professionals ) to try and solve issues since childhood . There was no way I could be transgender. I tried to find a way of NOT TRANSITIONING. It didn't work ! Now I fully express my feminine self, I love my life & my loved ones.

[@DRZPHD]

Truly happy for you!

[@АнтонЕрмаков-д6щ]

I'm in G2 and felt relief when I heard that it was actually existed. I've made some steps in my transition (using new name and pronouns, nails, clothes etc.) and it feels comfortable, but I'm afraid to continue. Each time I feel euphoria, I also realize, how my possible transition can hurt my wife. We discussed this issue a month ago and it was a very hard conversation for me. I don't want to experience it again.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Yes it is very common and it's OK to feel fear just please remember that the goal is not to let go of the fear but to walk alongside of it.

[@Koots79]

I am in the 2nd camp. I think my biggest fear is being alone after my wife leaves me. I don't blame her for not being attracted to women, but not living with my kids and dealing with all of that seems terrifying. I think on the surface that is my main issue. Underneath that I wonder what else it come be. I feel like there is something, but I am having a hard time identifying it. Maybe it is the 35-37 years I have told myself I am not trans, for the longest time I thought I had a crossdressing fetish. What helped me see I wasn't a crossdresser was the fact I preferred to wear everyday clothes that women would wear, and it was less about the kink or more about feeling correct and complete when I was presenting as a woman. It is more of a feeling like so that is what dancing is supposed to feel like. I feel more confident and happy as a woman. I feel like a robot distracting myself till the next time I get to present as a female. Everything just feels better when I think of myself in a feminine way.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. Being in the second camp is very hard. My heart really goes out to you.

[@mac1967]

Your story echoes mine very closely so know you aren't alone. I had a chance to spend a day with some trans friends nearby for the first time and we talked for 8 hours straight. It was so validating so know you're not alone and hope you can find some community nearby.

[@johnmyers4649]

Right there with you. DidNot complete my transition 20 years ago, tried to put it away and now it’s stronger than ever. Joan sad she just couldn’t do it again and would not be here if I transitioned now. So I’m just dressing as I feel I should and present as I guess, a very feminine man, not a woman. Oh well, nice to chat and text if you ever want to talk…

[@PfcFloyd]

There's magic in the self discovery process if you're honest with yourself. When you realize that as a man you can integrate & embrace feminine qualities without making any changes to your appearance. It's a hard road because nobody will offer moral support so you gotta be willing to walk the path alone but the rewards are beyond anything this 3d world can offer.

[@Kira-zm7vy]

What a terrific ending to this video! I agree so much! I only talk to a therapist every other week and there are no support groups where i live so I definitely lean on this channel and the people here for support! I think I started out in camp 2 a year or so ago but recently jumped a huge fear hurdle and started hormones. Now I'm in a bit of both. I've opened the gates a little but there's still a lot of fear I need to confront.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Glad to hear the content is helpful. Remember not to give fear too much empathies but learn how to walk toward your goals alongside of it.

[@lizsavage1178]

I fell into the first group, because I had known from a very young age, I think I was about 3 or 4 that I wasn’t what everyone told me that I was. I don’t remember thinking that I was a girl and not a boy, but I knew, I just knew that things were not right. I was born in 1951 and growing up in the 50s and 60s well there was absolutely no language or information available to me to help me sort things out. My parents were staunch conservative southern baptists as well, so you can imagine how that complicated my young life and screwed up my head for decades. To keep the peace and please my parents I didn’t try to talk about what I was feeling and I didn’t want to be punished for what they believed to be sinful thoughts, so I buried it all. At about 19 I started experimenting with my gender expression and started wearing some girl clothes that I had bought and going out in public, going about my daily life. My appearance was androgynous as opposed to full on female and that was not well received in my suburban town in 1970. I couldn’t deal with the social pressure too long and after a couple of years my courage gave out and I did what I thought would solve my problems. I got married and had a family. This lasted for 31 years until she passed from cancer and it’s funny how well the mind can hide parts of itself or come up with ways to distract you. I was always busy so I didn’t have time to think about me and in fact before I got married I did a lot of drugs and alcohol with the excuse that it was the 70s and everybody was doing it. But it was a way for me to numb the pain of not being free to be myself. Fast forward to 2009 my grief had subsided and I had nothing but time and no responsibilities except to myself and searching for answers and meaning and that’s when the flood gates opened and once they did I couldn’t shut them. I didn’t want to shut them because all the answers came out all the memories that I had repressed came to the front of my mind. And I resolved to never be unfaithful or untruthful to myself ever again. There was too much at sake and I felt time was running out. I did everything in my power to transition everything that my limited resources would allow. I am very grateful that I got this second chance and I’ve not wasted a minute of it. It’s been the best time of my life too and while it hasn’t always been easy sometimes it’s been extremely difficult I learned to take my time to really put my conscious effort into the process and to eventually have confidence in myself and love for myself. It’s like a miracle and I’m so very happy that I did it and I’m so happy that I get to share a little of my story here with you all. Thank you Dr. Z for making this platform available to us. I know that some of my wording may not be accurate in describing my experience but I think you all understand what I’ve tried to say. Peace!

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thank you for sharing your experience. Totally makes sense.

[@lizsavage1178]

@@DRZPHD it is always a pleasure to share with this group.

[@OlkaAlex94]

If feel like it depends if we make progress (mostly physical apparance) with our transition. If rate of progress is slow the gate is shut but if progress is rapid the gate is open.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats a good point.

[@mac1967]

Thank you for posting this and validating what I'm feeling right now. It's exactly where I am in my life. I fall into both sides. Side 1 when I'm alone but Side 2 with others. It definitely leads to a state of detachment in a way as I try to lean into side 1.

[@DRZPHD]

You are welcome and yes, it may lead to detachment, isolation and dissociation so please be mindful.

[@lindsaybelderson7735]

I'm kind of in the second camp, I did take action to address my dysphoria but at the same time I was pessimistic about the future, due to the irreversible aspects of puberty and being in my mid 40s. This concern has been realised, as I continue to grapple with dysphoria despite 5 years of being on HRT and having some surgery including laser hair removal, glottoplasty and orchiectomy. The glotto has helped but my voice was very deep and I have a large skull even by male standards, so I still feel anxious my voice still sounds too male. The latter was all I could afford because the cost of full genital surgery is prohibitive to me, even if I could afford it, the prospect of recovery is daunting with common side effects that are potentially serious longer term, but without it, I don't see any realistic possibility of an intimate relationship. Then there is my insecurity about small breasts, narrow hips and how my face looks. There seems to be no end to the dysphoria; I try to cope by thinking about living as a gender nonconformist, instead, as it seems the only path to self acceptance, but this is like comfort eating sweets and chocolate, the effect is short lived and I'm back where I started. I'm living in a twilight world of anxiety and depression, feeling I cannot actually ever be my true self because of the permanent damage male puberty did to me.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear of your challenges.

[@johnnyshins511]

I definitely fell into group 2 from the getgo, I didn't even know what was happening, all I knew was that I had skimmed the dysphoria bible before going to sleep that night, and woke up to go to work having a panic attack. Then for the rest of my shift it was panic attack after panic attack, I felt disconnected, cold, disoriented and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out. It was and still is overwhelming, any time I hear my given name now I just wish it was "Dana" that I heard, any time I hear "he" it makes my insides curdle. It definitely wasn't something I was ready for even though I knew in the back of my mind that it would happen one day. I just thought I could last until I was supporting myself on my own two feet and I suppose that is what has driven me to try and lock Dana away again. I just want the security of my own independence before I can bring myself to take those first steps. Thank you though Dr Z, your videos are genuinely fantastic help and it's amazing to see someone so passionate towards letting trans people know that they're not the only ones feeling this way.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am glad the content is helpful!

[@l.j.walker8549]

Very good commentary, but don’t forget those of us, who fit in both camps. I have had the support of my wife, encouraging me to transition, especially in the last two years. She gives me my estradiol shots and shops with me for clothes, makeup and accessories. But we now have a problem with our autistic grandson, who lives with us and does not deal with change calmly. He goes off vindictively and will go on social media to voice his disapproval. He will distort the truth and make it most difficult for his Mom and brother, who also live with us, and my wife. So I’m holding back on the 80%F/20%M existence I had expected to be living six months ago. The floodgates opened two years ago with my wife’s full encouragement and now they are closed due to family turmoil.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and yes, def can be both categories for sure.

[@Rosemorgana1312]

hey, as an autistic person i can say with 100% certainty - autism dosnt make people transphobic. But it does make us more vulnerable to falling down right wing rabbitholes, especially because a lot of those rabbitholes are designed specifically to target us. So no need to point the autism out!! If anything point out the people responsible- the steven crowders n ben shapiros. Hope you’re doing well and you find your peace ❤❤

[@rachaelfaraday8679]

Nice as always. I wonder whether both patterns can happen depending on where one is in life. The second pattern happened to me 12 years ago. Perhaps not just ego but other social factors like having a young family and societal judgements that a father could be transgender. This leads to little choice but to put it all back into a pressure cooker. To cope I turned to bodybuilding and denial. Then pattern 1 happened about 10 year later (last year) with a gender crisis. Finally decided to accept I was transgender. Kids were grown up and society has evolved. The pressure cooker well and truly burst and I was definately not in control of my emotions. Good news is that I finally went to therapy and began accepting myself. Imagine finally opening the closed off box to yourself and finally realising the real you was in there all along. Now on the journey to wherever and wanting to make up for lost time. Hope this helps in some way for anyone who experiences this path. Thanks DR. Z. I’ve said it previously but you are like an angel sent from god to be by our side.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and absolutely both can coexist.

[@kathleenwaters3490]

Definitely in the second camp. As with so many in this camp I fear losing not just friends and family but work and general respect. I also fear that the effort of transition would not be worth the reward. Sure, emotionally I would feel better in some ways once the ice had been broken and people knew. But what's the real reward? Being able to do the things I do now in a dress? Getting talked about behind my back or maybe even harassed? For me it's difficult to tell if my lack of desire for consistent social interaction and romantic relationships is simply because I don't fit the typical male stereotypes and would be more comfortable interacting as a woman or whether that's just my personality and nothing would change with transition. If the latter I would go through a ton of time and effort, not to mention money, just to be the same person with a female avatar. And I guess that's the major issue. Would any of the things that bother me now as I live my life as a male actually change for the better if I transitioned? Or, would transition create a burden and hardships that don't exist currently in trying to alleviate the ones that do exist? For many years now I have said to myself if I could transition and be the sort of woman I would be comfortable with I would do it in a heartbeat. And I would do so even if the process were difficult but the results were guaranteed. But when I picture the reality of it all I fear the risk is not worth the reward. People have told me online at least that I didn't know with 100% accuracy that my college major would actually lead to an enjoyable career, which is true. But for better or worse a career was guaranteed and the career that was guaranteed was looked upon favorably. Big difference.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@huntp1291]

I am 50 in the midst of transistion hoping that HRT will be option this year. I repressed till the age of 44 then it all came out but guilt and shame came with, I was both groups at times but all this vid makes a hell of a lot of sense.

[@DRZPHD]

I really hope you get HRT and I hope you will feel good on it.

[@vincenzaminnafra6197]

I mostly started as type 2, I trusted nothing. After 66 years in denial and ignorance; I put a toe into the water. Desperation engulfed me and I was off at warp 11. But luckily I had a good friend; and have throttle back to a sane level; luckily the HRT has been a huge game changer... very little external change but mentally I've settled down, stopped the impulsive reactions and for almost a year have even able to be patient with my needs, expectations and goals. Finding a therapist is now also just within my grasp then I can sanely consider my next step

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and wish you all the best.

[@marti7343]

I am in group 1. Thanks Dr. Z for helping me understand my journey. I have started transitioning six months ago in my sixties, and am feeling much more connected and at peace. You caution people in group 2 to do something about their feelings about being trans to avoid future regret. For me, I did not come out until many years after knowing I was trans. Fear, doubt, mistrust all contributed to this decision. Now, that I have come out, I have regret. Thankfully, it is not something that torments me. Yes, I wish I had lived when I was younger at a time when it was easier to accept being trans and there were more resources and acceptance. But, even with the regret, I know I am better for having the courage to accept my need to come out and transition to become my authentic self.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@fiamedknuff]

I'm definitely in the first camp. It definitely was like a flood gate opened. I had spent a lifetime hating my assigned male gender role and feeling that I was being force-fed masculinity. I couldn't wait to erase all traces of maleness and masculinity from my life. Having masculinity forced upon me and being perceived as male has caused me nothing but pain. 10/22 - Accepting myself as transgender. 10/24 - Called multiple gender clinics. 10/25 - Out to family. 10/28 - Out on social media with chosen name. 10/29 - Tossed all male clothes. 11/01 - Out at work. 11/20 - First day of HRT 11/23 - Psychosocial Assessment 11/28 - First day of professional voice therapy 12/27 - First session of laser hair removal 02/03 - Filed petition for recognition of gender identity and legal name change. 04/18 - Scheduled initial consultation for Gender Reassignment Surgery.

[@fiamedknuff]

I started to feel burnout in December and had to slow down the pace and allow myself to smell the roses. The pace is slower now while I allow HRT to work on my body, taking voice therapy sessions, and seeing a therapist once a week. I have pretty much done everything I can do right now to push my transition along. Now I will have to wait while waiting to reach the required 12 months of HRT before qualifying for surgery. Patience is a virtue but sometimes it feels I'm running out of it.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes with a quick timeline a burnout can happen or you are not psychologically caught up yet to process all that has happen. Take your time.

[@cat17katze]

I am category one. When I realized it and accepted it for me a year ago. (I moved from my parents away for the week, i was only at weekends there) I even make changes at school. I use my permissions because I have a good relationship with the teachers and school leader. I said we need gender neutral bathrooms and teachers should stop deadnaming other students. It was done, the teachers get informations how bad this is and the build started a few weeks later the meeting.

[@SanityVideo]

I feel like I had too much external resistance and internal self doubt to really fit into either category. When other people force you to fight for your life just to get into a safe situation it clarifies how important the change is but makes figuring out the details almost impossible. Now that I have some safety the road seems like a long one but I have one step to take today. Learn to cover my beard with makeup.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry about the struggles.

[@LWeOAreVOneE]

I'm honestly still not sure exactly where I fit. I'm afab, and there was a time as a kid when I really wanted to be a boy. Then I tried to embrace being a girl, I think in part because I was the only girl in the family so that made me feel special, but I never really felt feminine. I was proud to call myself a tomboy because I didn't really understand what the term meant, but it had "boy" in it. Puberty is when everything really went downhill, primarily because of my chest. I tried to make myself like it at one point because I thought I needed a boyfriend, and I thought I needed boobs to be attractive, but they've always caused great discomfort both mentally and physically due to my sensory issues and bras. I definitely *need* top surgery to be able to live my life to the fullest, but I'm not sure if I'm really a trans man. I think I'm nonbinary. I prefer gender neutral terms, but if I *have* to pick between male and female terms, I prefer the male ones (like with sir vs ma'am for example). I keep questioning if I'm really nonbinary or if I'm just a masculine woman (though that term has never felt right to me and even typing it now feels weird) or maybe I'm a man. Every time I question myself, I end up coming to the conclusion that I'm nonbinary. But I keep questioning, so now I'm wondering if I'm just trying to convince myself I'm not a man for some reason. All I know for sure is I'm definitely not a woman, because that concept has always felt foreign to me. For a while I thought it was just that I didn't feel like an adult. It took me a long while into adulthood (I'm 30 now) to realize that wasn’t the reason why "woman" doesn't fit me.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. Experiencing uncertainty in s very common and I hope things will feel more sure for you soon.

[@LunaticoniSolar]

I have this same fear, i also try to be feminine but it feels so performative to me, I also fear if this is just me being autistic

[@BetterThanEmber]

I'm kind of both. I was group 2 for a very long time. I knew who i was but felt like (with reason) i couldn't do anything about it. It was fear, of course: fear my kids wouldn't understand, or their other parent would do something drastic, fear or losing my job or being harassed or hurt at work, the fears of being accosted in public, and on and on. Access to healthcare was also an issue, but I see now that was more of an excuse than a reason. It IS a reason, but I could have found a way. Fear of real dangers is nothing to be ashamed of. But once I finally found a safe environment, and it occurred to me I could really transition, I moved into group 1 immediately 😅

[@JessiesGengar]

camp #2, ostracisation was my main fear. and honestly, i was right.. when i came out years later at 33, i was shunned, ghosted, rejected, the whole deal, and i basically had to figure it out alone. i do am at a point at which i rather enjoy my own company then the company of others who demand a shade of myself and reject me as me. funny (but strange) enough, i did not actually grow bitter, but rather much more compassionate. thank you for listening.

[@seynabouthiam2068]

So I identify with both, but mostly in category number 2. My trans partner shared your videos with me when I have been sharing my confusion with him about possibly being transmasc; I always jokingly identifying as a question mark! I used to label myself as agender as a way to deal with my dissociation around gender; I unfortunately come from (and currently) live in a country where even being queer is criminalized by capital punishment, so it’s been life saving to watch your videos and not feel gaslight by an entire community. I think being in category 2 and in survival mode is definitely a coping mechanism because of the environment, and I’m moving out of here soon, so hopefully will have access to a better community and to myself. You’re doing life saving work, Dr. Z. Thank you.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@SliderDaFeral]

I am of the first camp, and had to throttle back because work and my own safety.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@rinkuraku5251]

I was definitely in group 2. I knew I'm a girl when I was young. But let's just say heavily enforced pressure from my mother and the boys in school pushed that down. Then when I learned about trans people, that I wasn't the only one who felt like this, it was through highly sensationalized TV shows. I took from them that I couldn't live a normal life if I accepted who I am. So I repressed it even harder, I looked for anything else that could explain how I felt. I was depressed since puberty, and repressing myself made it worse and worse. I was in my mid thirties before I finally accepted something I knew pretty much all my life, I'm trans. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw a hairy guy built like a linebacker who had too many burgers. I didn't see me and worse, I didn't see a path to make this creature in the mirror into me. It took me another ten years and a suicide attempt to actually start transitioning. I realized, even if I never see the girl I know I am, I can at least bring part of her out to the world. I was terrified of how people would react, if I'd be accepted, if I'd be beaten or worse when I left a store one day, but I was even more scared of what I'd do to myself if I didn't. So I made the decision to start my journey November 2022. I began voice training in February 2023, I started HRT July 2023, and I've been out as myself full time since March 21st 2024.

[@KellySharkey66]

When i finally opened up last year ( I was crying , and my daughter asked me what’s wrong ) I told her that I have always believed that I was born a female , but in a males body. Since then I have done exactly what you have said.. I went to doctors and have been referred to counselling .. bought a wig, clothes, makeup , shoes, legally changed my name to my female name. I have told everyone know who I really am. Thank you

[@littlelink5711]

Probably in the second group because I was scared at first and then I tried and then now it feels like a relief

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@kathyroux7386]

I am in pattern #1. I have been binge watching all things trans on KZbin . I have bought an uncomfortable binder and some men’s underwear. I can’t wait to get my hair cut short, and I have an appointment for HRT in four months (way too long to wait!). I guess I am in a hurry after battling 50+ years of dysphoria. Thanks for reminding me it’s ok to slow down. 😊

[@name_o_person]

I am in a mixed camp. I can't wait for change and my hormones to show greater effect, but I have no social life and hormones take too long. I can't really transition for all my desire to do so. Inability to look in a mirror keeps me from trying anything on my own. I just lose hope and fall back. Misguided attempts at femininity just accentuate my masculine features and leave me feeling worse than before

[@eensteen]

i relate to this a lot

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear both of you are feeling this way. It is so hard when one feels their attempts fail. Here is a thing: a lot of you are doing transition related is NEW! You are not supposed to know how to navigate it and any perceived failed attempts are not an indication it won't happen! Many many stumble at first.

[@name_o_person]

​@@DRZPHDto update my situation. HRT is doing its thing. Still waiting for a certain pair of progress points. I've met a few others who are also waiting to pass a bit more before they socially transition. It is both a long and short process. It feels like I've seen so much change and yet I still don't see it in the mirror. And then some days I do.

[@GabbieAbbie]

I've been swinging between 1 and 2 like a pendulum, this video has opened my eyes to it now. I think my next step is to try and balance them out; take it easy, slow and steady wins the race. ❤

[@DRZPHD]

Yes balance is the key.

[@FrozEnbyWolf150]

I think I moved from the second camp to the first camp, but I was in the second camp for most of my life during which I didn't even know I was trans. I exhibited all the signs of the second mentality without knowing the reason why, because I'd been taught to deflect my feelings onto other causes. "It's just depression, or it's social anxiety, or you need to grow out of it." I'm not scared to let my true self out, because the years of depression have stolen so much from me that I have nothing left to lose. I'd been denying myself so much, to the point of living as a complete blank slate in terms of gender expression, but it still didn't prevent people from seeing me as weird. I hadn't gotten very far in life, because I had felt this life didn't belong to me. Therefore there's nowhere left for me to go, but full speed ahead.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@wardyladohaye]

Group 2. I am not 100% but have always had that question. I rationalised it away for decades but have decided to explore it now. I'm 36

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@jv-fm6gx]

camp 2 i have to open that gate completely to accept myself and live my truth instead of opening and shutting the gate by the way i go by the name Anne

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@lindaweaving8917]

I'm number one, definitely! Addicted to those binders, in love with my STP, I've been out and bought an entire new wardrobe. At the age of 51. It's brilliant. I would never have guessed how much happiness steps like this can make. ☺

[@DRZPHD]

Ohhh glad to hear you are doing better.

[@melwinkhprergado4854]

I literally fell into both simultaneously being flooded and facing extreme internal resistance and literally switching between the two many times a day. Felt like i was going psychotic

[@SynthariaNix]

Goodness I feel this! The two people IRL I've come out to have told me that for other trans people it's fine, but that for me it's just a pathology. Not great feels there...

[@andrea2007andrea2007]

Extreme case of group no.2 My ego was and still is trying to protect me from heartache. I honestly thought that flood gates will open, but nope, the prison cell just got smaller. Mind you, I went through traumas which were cripplingly invalidating, and my ego just wants me safe and alive. But somehow I crawled myself into therapy and a psych office and got to start HRT. And now I feel this is too much, and want to break down my ego, just to rebuild it o na healthy foundation.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing .

[@Genevieve111]

Camp #1... transitioning is going so slowly... 😕 patiently waiting to see a physician to prescribe HT... EDIT: Have an appointment on Oct. 27, 2023 to see a physician to start HT... 🤗 No black nail polish this episode... have you considered pink... ? I love how you did your eye liner... 💕 EDIT: OMG... I mentioned 'no black nail polish' before you mentioned that black is 'your' color... how freaky is that... 😱

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Sorry things are taking a long time, thats frustrating. Nails are overdue to be done (was hoping nobody would notice :)) Hate pink personally just not my color.

[@jessalynanne5825]

I am definitely in group number 2 and I feel I am getting to the point of bursting out. Not great with change keep trying to suppress, I know I will regret, I am so scared, stuck in fear.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@graysonabbott9687]

I think the fear kept my transition very gradual, over 8 years finally seeing that medical transition is what I truly need to feel like myself. In the meantime it was very painstaking, constantly bombarding myself with questions but all the while still feeling like this was me, taking steps to socially transition hesitantly but every step brought so much joy. Now I'm 1.5 years on testosterone and I love every part of my new body & mind

[@DavidBezer]

This was such a great video for me Dr Z. I fell in between the two groups but much of myself was in group number one. When I fully admitted and was able to say I was a non binary transgender person I had flood gates for clothes working on feminine voices mannerisms that I could use in public I also had to keep much of it hidden. I still do keep lot hidden. Some days I still dress fully masculine others I dress feminine and feel amazing. Another thing I do is have my proper pronouns used as my family dosent use them. So at home I pretend my family is actually use my chosen name or pronouns. Or I will wear bracelets representing my Transgender and non Binary side and I feel so free.

[@UltraHylia]

I feel like I fall between the two, leaning more towards the second. I am very open about my gender identity online where nobody knows me irl (except for one friend), but irl I am very repressed, scared, slipping back into doubt and my appearance/presentation hasn't changed at all. I have no idea how to navigate coming out or even look/feel female and, with the world the way it is, I keep pushing myself back into the closet.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@atarifanboy1977]

Thank you for this video. I have been trans (currently believe I am MtF) for around a week. I'm definitely type 1. Went out and bought a single article of woman's clothing to see it made me feel and upon the euphoria of feeling "right". I'm already compiling my first inside outfit piece by piece. I'm already thinking of wigs, clothes and even HRT. I almost went and splurged on clothes from goodwill today but had to remind myself I haven't even told my family yet (who were in the store lol) I'm definitely going to arrange therapy (though I'm concerned as I live i very transphobic area) Glad to know I wasn't going crazy haha.

[@SimonIris1364]

I was in stage two for a very long time. I didn't even allow myself to get a haircut because I was so scared it might change everything for me. Something gave and I found myself in stage 1 and I needed everything to happen all at once as quickly as possible, but I wasn't psychology prepared for it

[@tdf_violin]

I'm just starting out, at age 61. Behaviour Type 1. I know I need to take my time with this; a little progress every day. Otherwise it's exhausting, and I won't experience being here with myself for the process. It's scary as anything, but I'm so excited to finally meet my true self at the end of it! Thank you for your videos - I have a good therapist, and there is a support group near me at a TG center.

[@AdrictaTDT-Twitch]

I just was talking to my brother and I told him last night that I felt that my ego felt as if it were hurt and that's hard.

[@DRZPHD]

Wish you all the best.

[@GeorgiaLovesPonies]

Thanks. I'm group 1... I think I need to get onto a waiting list asap because the waiting times are so long... but apart from that I can take it slowly... relax with it... thank-you for that advice.

[@carinagomezfernandez7473]

I am a gay transman, age 52. Although I never felt myself attracted to women, I did live my adult life as a gay woman because in the gay community being gender non conforming is more accepted.

[@SigiMcCabe]

So i was definitely in the second pattern for many years. I refused to acknowledge the crisis I refused to acknowledge and coped in a lot of unhealthy ways. Once I finally acknowledged that I wasn't sure what my identity was, started asking myself questions, and talked with my wife, we both wanted to go into the first pattern. We were also aware enough to only do a few things. We're reading, I'm dressing up at home to explore, she's using different pronouns and a feminine name with me to see how I feel about all of it. I'm also starting to work with a councilor to talk through things and find how I identify in a healthy manner. I can say that the little bit i have done so far has made me feel better mentally and emotionally than I have in most of my adult life.

[@roisinbrown5532]

I bought a lot of panties and bras. And dresses. Skirts. Then sat and thought about things. A friend urged me to wait a year before starting hrt. I started therapy and am now one step away from hrt. Adult adhd testing in a week. The adhd/anxiety meds and then it’s time for hrt. My dr is ready to prescribe it now 😂.

[@roisinbrown5532]

I’m going to add to this that for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I am slowly marching to the grave. The destination is no longer the end all be all of my existence. Also first time going to a dentist is over a decade. I haven’t had a gp in over 20 years and I do now. Coming out and embracing it was the best thing I have ever done for me

[@DRZPHD]

Ohh wow powerful and I am so so so glad you are not marching to the grave. Thank goodness.

[@roisinbrown5532]

@@DRZPHD it’s been an incredibly crazy year. I am miles and miles away from where I started. Never would I have thought trying in a skirt would have such a massively profound impact on my life

[@johnjames5988]

Oscillation distributed across the silos of opportunity and hostility defined by the ecosystem my adult life is made up of. “Integration” is what I am seeking now with therapy incremental, opportunitistic (drink the water when i can) grieving when I have to walk back into the desert, and reminding me when I’m really thirsty (no pun intended) it’s temporary.

[@DRZPHD]

I am sorry to hear of your struggle.

[@ellioterickson4326]

I feel like I’m the first camp. I remember when I first starting going to therapy, the thoughts i had involving my gender that was built up over the years kind of just came out and just talking about it felt like the flood gates open. It’s interesting how things that sit in the back of our minds for so long that we either kept denying or try to ignore can just come back up on it’s own one way or another. Thank you for putting this into words for us Dr. Z.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. Glad it resonated.

[@LucidFlesh]

For some reason I really shut my fem parts away after highschool. I was doing a lot of gender affirmation stuff in highschool, but I was ignorant and didn't realize what it was. I'm definitely part of the second group your talking about. It has taken me about a decade. And while I speak as if I realized about a year ago, the reality is that I've known for years, and just kept those gates shut. I regret how stagnant I've been, but the past is the past, and I'm doing great now ❤

[@nissutobor9078]

For me, it was both. I realized I was trans at about age 12, when I first learned about trans people on the Jerry Springer show. And just that alone is a red flag. Nobody would talk about this with me, and I internalized overwhelming shame over it. The emotions were just too strong, and I basically shut down. If I had a therapist or support from my family, things may have been different. But I didnt end up coming out until I turned 34. And then it was like opening the floodgates.

[@RowanWiccae]

I fell into both at different points in time. It's taken me 10 years to come to terms with my being trans (transmasc). At 18 I knew I wasn't cis but wasn't ready to acknowledge the other option. At 25 I was forced out to my mother (who somehow concluded that my 'confusion' was because she was somehow a bad parent) and every time I was faced with the reality from then on I regressed back into an uncomfortable familiarity, that I had to continue expressing myself feminine to appease my parents and my family who only ever saw me 1 way and expected it from me. Now I am 32 and I'm TIRED of living miserably for the comfort of others. I've been allowing myself to play with expression I haven't dared touch since my teens and with it has absolutely come the bubbling over of the flood gates. I'm still scared to talk about it, scared to find that therapist who's gonna scrutinize me like a mental case and my parents telling me, again, that I'm just being influenced by social media. But here's the thing... Cis ppl don't question their gender identity for literally half their life, right?

[@SoullessDCLXVI]

Oh, I'm definitely in the first camp! I've kinda fallen into second camp behaviour though. Was, at first, terrified that I was faking it. Couldn't believe that at 33 is when I would come to understand this. Was always brought up to believe that gender identity was understood while you were far younger than that. Now, a year and a half later, those thoughts have reduced in both intensity and frequency. They still pop up though. Wish I could just get a test to confirm it without a shadow of a doubt.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@ethanallen1482]

Im 25 years old and although i present with gender fluidity… and am proud of how far ive come with my gender identity, i still persistently come back to these floodgate feelings and realize that what i think ive figured out to be me, is really just coping and settling. It really scares me to think about transition because i feel like ive waited too long to be “feminine” enough… i feel that this is wrong but its truly something that i think ive let guide my life thus far. This is scary to vent about tbh but i felt really inspired to share in this space.❤

[@AriellaScarafone]

I am super impatient. Definitely group #1. I struggle with timing. Im 29 years old and i dont want to be in my late 30s when all is said and done.but i must admit i am very much like Mark Mcdonald in earlier comments. Where i am self conscious about whether or not i am feminine ENOUGH and fit the perception i wish to project.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@tonycrabaugh953]

Listening to your absolute wisdom as you speak I am definitely both of your types absolutely as described! I go through periods where I can’t get enough of dressing or anything feminine, shopping, partaking in feminine acts. I will then do the hard brakes and not do a single thing feminine and shove it all down and just repress it & how I feel when dressed & being seen as a woman. I love the way I feel when presenting female & a growing part of me it feels like it saying I wish I was already a woman. I know that I would absolutely love to have breast implants done but my wife says a hard no on that so I settle for silicone inserts. I don’t know who I am half the time but I do feel like Ii am more myself and who I should have been when presenting female. I feel like I am more complete, that I was born in this wrong body & my soul should be in a feminine body.

[@martina-z8n]

I'm group No1. I wouldn't say I am trans. I'm a cross dresser, maybe borderline trans or gender fluid, or something. From the moment I first dressed, the "flood gates opened". I thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. It was very difficult for me to understand why the simple act of wearing female clothes could lead to me feeling so different about myself, and others. And a lot of the reason it was difficult for me to understand was the fact that it happened so late in life, after a life of trying to keep a lid on things.

[@alanfox5318]

Flood gates opened, but still trying to hide it.

[@DRZPHD]

Oh no.

[@Miriam-nb9sh]

I fought against it very hard, it controlled every thing I did, thought, liked and disliked. I did the opposit of what I wanted to with almost everything. Only in my late 20s I started to open up a bit, starting with things that actually didnt even matter like avoiding to like female singers, its perfectly fine to like that regardless of your gender but I somehow couldnt allow me this.

[@DRZPHD]

So many hold themselves back from who they are, it is painful.

[@charlieblah]

The way dr Z has been posting lately, it's like Christmas there are so many videos

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear you enjoy more content.

[@Mikey.to.Michelle]

I started in the first group. I was ready to jump right in. All the confusion I experienced suddenly made perfect sense. I was so excited to get started transitioning. Until I told my wife about how excited I was to learn this about myself. She shut me down. Told me she hated me. That marrying me was a mistake (20+yrs). So if given another chance, I’d jump right in, feet first!

[@rossmarchesano7583]

Once I learned about myself back in therapy in 2010 - 2011 when I was actually there for issues related to my separation and eventual divorce and what hand I had in it coming apart we discovered that when I was young around 8 yoa I apparently was drawn to more feminine looks, fashion, accessories, make up and that I wanted to wear make up, wear girls clothes, wear bracelets and when I did dress as a cheerleader for Halloween when I was 8 i remembered a suppressed feeling of never wanting to take off the clothes and make up and just wanting to go to bed and wake as this girl in the morning and go to school like that from that day on. Once I learned of this deeper core desire to be feminine I started diving in to dressing, shopping for women's clothes, wearing heels and wedge shoes in my house from the moment i got home to experimenting with different looks and eventually going out in public as a woman. I felt like a kid in a candy store. Someone who was starved of this inner energy that had been dying to get out. An energy that was being suffocated. I was at that time what you described as a Pattern 1 individual. And in late 2017 I went on hormones and was again in such a hurry to feel more feminine, to get my beautiful feminine energy out to the world and to see my bodily changes of breast growth and softer skin and look. But when the pandemic hit and i had to stop HRT because of finances I never thought I'd start hormones again and became emotionally and mentally distraught. Forward to today and I am emotionally strong and am ready to transition again but when I was given a prescription for hormones a week ago I went right into Pattern 2. I panicked and got scared and thought I am not ready but watching your videos has made my sense of fear and ego relax and I am taking it slow, massaging my way back and I am more certain now that I am on the right path but that I need to go at a pace that is comfortable for me. Thank you so much for your wonderful content. You are truly a blessing for me and have come into my life when I needed your education and guidance. Thank you. Sincerely Sarah

[@islamayman6620]

I belong to the first one : am 22 now so during my teenage years i didn't like the idea of felt that am a boy-man but didn't have words to express it nd when i realized that am 100% a woman i became so happy and immediately jumped into therapist and will start hrt soon and can't wait to buy tons of clothes and makeup - laser - srs later and etc to finally live my full womanhood ❤️❤️

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Nejove]

I have to say that I really relate to BOTH camps and have been chaotically going back and forth between them. Sometimes I'm feeling in a hurry to get moving on transitioning since I'm already 33 and HRT at least is a slow process or it almost feels like I have a teenage girl inside me who's getting unreasonably excited about it, but then there's also this back-and-forth with another part of myself that is still questioning whether I'm truly trans because it's never manifested in particularly obvious ways. And, more than anything, that second part of me is TERRIFIED of what transitioning would involve and doesn't think I have the energy, money, or mental resilience to handle it. So far, it feels like a close battle between the two. I managed to schedule a counseling appointment partially to talk about this (not NEARLY as soon as I'd like, though), and I managed to talk to one particularly trustworthy person about it, but I haven't managed the courage to open up about it with anybody else or take any concrete steps toward transitioning otherwise. I feel like I'm going stir crazy waiting for the appointment and wishing I could get myself to do more to move things along while I wait, but at the same time I'm still scared to take more serious steps.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@tonyhoughton6857]

I am definitely in Group 1 when I finally came out as trans all these feelings came flooding out and wanted everything at once and became very frustrated when I realised that it would be a slow process but it is so worth it in the end

[@gaeltt9865]

Yeah I was in the first group. Pace myself? I couldn’t, but was forced to by waiting lists. And maybe that was a good thing. I got more secure in my identity because of time simply passing. And the time I’m given is also useful to get answers to all my questions. I still hate waiting but on the other hand it’s been helpful. I was able to shed my doubts and fears and get more confident. At first I thought I was gonna have to learn to be a man as I wasn’t raised that way, but by now I’ve realised nobody needs to teach me how to be myself. I got a more realistic perspective on the whole matter. I think that counts for something. And I feel more ready for starting medical transition than before too. No matter how hard, waiting helped.

[@jentzi23]

My reaction was "I can finally change! I'm free!" I had some weird notion, before knowing, that I had no reason to want changes bc I thought "I'm no one, I can't be trans bc I don't want to be the opposite gender".. but I'm bigender, and neither gender aligns with my body. So I'm agender in mind-image, but my body feels right when I feel strong masculine vibes. The first time the masc-feel happened it was like I finally belonged in my skin. I am in group 1, I think, but stuck. The waiting times here are between 2-7 years and if you're a transman or masc-leaning the waiting time can be even longer. If I had had a choice I would've gotten further in my physical transition and be on voice-training now. It's all in the hands of the medical system and they deny anyone who has or has had mental health issues, is considered "too neurodivergent" or "not trans enough". But I'll be damned if I'm not gonna try.

[@VeronGabriel]

I'm somewhere in between, but if I lived in a more accepting country or have people that won't question me constantly I'd be in the first camp for sure. I only came out recently, at the age of 31 because I was so tired of living in fear and pretending it's fine. I regret not doing that sooner though, I knew something's up since I was 12 and I let myself waste time, avoiding people so I don't have to lie, lying so I don't loose people. Well, I still ended up alone because I couldn't bear any of it. Once I started to take steps into presenting more masculine I felt hope, that maybe life can be something I'll enjoy and I don't have to be some hermit hiding in the woods just so I can be myself. It's been baby steps as I'm keeping my expectations in check and I'm still held back by some people in family who I don't want to hurt, but at least the doubt is gone and big chunk of fear too.

[@eris_void]

thank you so much for your videos, this was perfect for me just coming out to my partner and daughter. i'm group #1. For group #1, a video about the coming down after the floodgates are open would be good.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome! Glad the content is helpful.

[@burntwaphle5590]

I’ve never seen your videos b4 but after a search because I’ve been struggling w my identity this has rlly helped grasp an understanding of what I’m feeling and why I feel so resistant, definitely group 2

[@burntwaphle5590]

I forgot to thank you I am offically subscribed and might actually look forward to my transition now

[@QuiltyVal]

I am definitely from the 1th group. It was like explosion for me.

[@Blixthearsonist]

Can confirm that option 2 only leads to unhealthy cracks forming till the gates crumble under pressure, and it's ugly. Choose to open them at your own pace and face the slight uncomfortable situation instead of culminating the worst snowball effect possible. I'm now one of the ones with the gates wide open as well, and am trying to tame my enthusiasm.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing!

[@JessicaSawyer-jp7ov]

“There’s a reason why you’re becoming aware of your gender identity… The reason being that, that’s who you are” this had me in tears

[@Queen_of_Swords1]

I'm starting whatever journey this is and it's scary as hell. My denial is triggered by my dysphoria. It's hard when you are generally accepted in society is if you "pass". I was a beautiful blonde girl and I'm wondering why cant I just be happy with that? I want to be that beautiful blonde girl and also that masculine quiet confident muscular man. I don't even know where to begin. I just know I don't match. It doesn't help that I don't have many supportive friends or family.

[@FunKayyy]

I feel like I've been going about it gradually until I actually came out to a few friends and family and now I really just feel the urge to dive into it by absorbing as much info on fashion, skin care, makeup, hair styling, and voice training as I can. It has been kinda impressive seeing just how fast I've manage to pick up some of these habits compared others that would be a bit more beneficial to my physical health like exercise and diet.

[@evrypixelcounts]

I think I'm somewhere in between. When I first realized I made all sorts of plans and explored my identity I told my closest friend and constantly discussed transitioning. However I was so scared of real change it took me 3 years to actually do anything about it, and now I'm terrified to move forward. I've started to medically transition, but social transition is what scares me. The people around me already don't understand me, and belittle me. I don't want to pour fuel on the flame. I wish I hadn't waited to medically transition. Regret is the main emotion I associate with my transition so far. Not regret of the going through with it, but regret of not having done it sooner. I'm waiting for the physical and mental changes of HRT to become noticeable because then I might actually start to feel better.

[@KellySharkey66]

Wow… that is exactly who I am.. Also, i recently had to have an ultrasound scan on my male genitals and found out that I have cysts on my testicals.. when he told me the results were ok and nothing to worry about , I let out a sigh , doctor asked me why I sighed .. I told him that I wished there was something wrong so I could get my testicles removed..

[@Lizgrizzly]

At first, I was in group 2. The signs were all there in my face, but I was in denial. I felt icky just saying the word "trans". Now, pretty sure I'm in group 1. The floodgates have opened...

[@AntonyWhite-h5v]

Thank you, for making everything so clear

[@AriellaScarafone]

I am super impatient. Definitely group #1. I struggle with timing. Im 29 years old and i dont want to be in my late 30s when all is said and done.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@Liquorsnurf]

I am group 1. I’m absolutely terrified though. All my life I have hidden who I truly am. Now I’m a mess of emotions and excitement. Consuming as much content as I can. The floodgates are open