Infidelity and the Future of Relationships

Esther Perel is recognized as one of the most insightful and provocative voices on personal and romantic relationships and the complex science behind human interaction. The author of the international bestseller Mating in Captivity, Perel believes that the most traditional aspects of a culture and the most progressive and radical changes in a society take place around sexuality. Much of Perel’s work-both lecturing internationally and advising couples in her private therapy practice-centers on the topic of infidelity. Why do happily married couples cheat? Why does the modern egalitarian approach to marriage quash desire? Are the heightened expectations we bring to modern love combined with our pursuit of happiness directly related to infidelity? Join her and NPR’s Hanna Rosin for an insightful discussion about the future of relationships.

[@sailor_stine]

It's unfortunate that they didn't choose a more mature, emotionally intelligent interviewer. Always a pleasure to listen to Esther though; she's incredible.

[@zanelemorrison2782]

When someone is not the right person to host a conversation they ask the wrong questions.

[@lisaj5769]

This is by far the most intelligent, sophisticated and evolved outlook/insights/paradigm for relationships, monogamy and infidelity. She totally understands human nature and desire in its complex and nuanced entirety. Amazing.

[@amalianita2286]

You are so right

[@abdalasheikh5095]

Hehehe u mean I have a patient tommorow 88

[@Banana-lk7tf]

Esther is WAAAAAAAY too good for Cosmo!!

[@CJ-ft9yo]

Esthers podcasts of relationship therapy is sublime, she’s incredibly intuitive, she can read the energy brilliantly between the couple ..

[@dannyallegra]

I practiced with my husband the model of communication she proposes. Before we got married he cheated on me so it would have been easier for me to leave, but I didn't. We talked about my pain and his pain. What was he looking for in that experience, what did he need from it, what did he get. It was painful, but it also brought us closer. He found a way to communicate his feelings that he didn't know before and to validate my feelings at the same time I validated his human experience as well, his needs, his background, etc. I learned about myself too, and I found a new way to be honest to myself. At the end it was a beautiful process and I am thankful that it happened earlier.

[@unrealAna]

I could never be with a cheater no matter how good communication can be. I respect myself

[@nybombay3378]

Did you end up marrying?

[@justanotherview3243]

​@@unrealAnaHappy loneliness to you.

[@amalianita2286]

​@@unrealAna Why do you feel you can give him everything

[@andreidoanca4262]

Esther Perel is miles ahead of this interviewer! She's amazing!

[@LEdson-rk2kv]

Million of miles ahead. She was left by the wayside the minute Esther defined the paradox of how we view marriage? She is looking for answers when she is not understanding the context of marriage and infidelity.

[@joanlynch5271]

I wonder if she is playing devil's advocate!

[@peaceemezue]

Miles miles ahead. Esther is a legend

[@desireepetitdemurat8660]

Totally agree, that interviewer was just interrupting and trying frame her answers for no reason at all. She annoyed me! Let Esther speak lady!

[@hannahmiller3403]

I feel Esther's pov is more applicable to couples where one has already had an affair or both are openly talking about opening the relationship, and her words are meant to illustrate how to communicate "your case" so you may have an open relationship or forgiveness for an affair. because Esther doesn't share her personal experiences that led to her beliefs (not that I've heard anyway), it leaves her philosophy without context, and I wonder if because of the lack of explicit context, how many people may be in vulnerable situations and feel discouraged that fidelity, self determination and responsibility cant be a reality...they 100% Can, it just depends on your context...if you are very bored and frustrated in your life, something's got to give, and if you don't take agency to change the things you have power over, through self improvement (over "hiring" a new lover to passively change you), by developing a life mission and purpose, a passion or business, etc then all your free unchanneled energy leaves you susceptible to using your power in perhaps pleasurable but self defeating ways, whether it be affairs or compulsive sexual fantasies, alcohol, gossip, junk food etc

[@noraanderson3503]

I've been following Esther Perell for a few years now and I was blown away (although it makes absolute sense!) just now when it was mentioned that she was a consultant for the tv series 'The Affair'. I absolutely loved this show because it gave perspective and real life depth to each character. Being deeply traumatized by my parents split due to infidelity, I was transported to this time while watching the show and could identify with the rebellious young daughter who is witnessing her family's life change! I can't think of another show that's done as good a job on this subject!!

[@noezwayout76]

A successful, meaningful, monogamous marriage requires selflessness and work. If you're not prepared to roll up your sleeves and get down to the nitty gritty, you'll fail every time. Lasting happiness is deliberate and cultivated. Only you can truly satisfy yourself.

[@Webbgurl2000]

noezwayout76 true. The cheater ALWAYS thinks the marriage is the problem, they need to do a mirror check. If I don't like me, then no one will do.

[@mikeking154]

That's also addressed and supported in her book

[@ayeshhas5641]

noezwayout76 this statement sums up how individuals within our society ought to view marriage. I'm not married, but I am grateful that I had come to this reliasation before I had fallen into a dark, lonely pit. I believe healthy marriage most certainly thrives on individual betterment on both parties' side.

[@nathanmcclellan8078]

No such thing as a person with no self. Therefore, no such thing as selflessness. I agree about the work part and getting down to the nitty gritty, sure. Totally agree with that. As for lasting happiness --- I have not met one single person in this life time who can honestly say they know what that is like. Repeating happiness, recurring happiness --- that exists but sometimes it is deliberate and true also sometimes it is cultivated, but sometimes it is not...I do also concur that only you can satisfy yourself. That's quite the antithesis of a marriage though. A marriage is about you and another person -- relating. Esther is right to observe that we have a need for freedom and a need for togetherness at the very same time; independence and connectedness are both needs but they are contrary to each other. Knowing what you truly want and need out of a relationship is paragon---which is really more to your point again.

[@dhivchannelglobalentertain8108]

So true

[@beoncataylor2703]

I don’t know about my marriage... but what I do know is that the speakers’ hand jewelry is FIRE!!

[@kymbatomorova166]

This woman is incredible. I wanna be like her when I grow up.

[@moelement6864]

Esther gets it right when she says it's about feeling wanted

[@angelapreda1868]

The future of the relationships is " multiple styles ", equivalent with confusion and chaos both on individual and social level. I think we should rather aim for mental sanity and emotional maturity of the individuals in order to have fulfilled relationships, even if it requires effort. We, as humans didn't evolved that much in dealing with pain and trauma, but doing the individual work and bringing light into our corner, will hopefully bring more light into the collective consciousness.

[@Cynthia-Landers]

48:26 'Many men, if they knew what their women partners tell their best friend, they would often think that there is an emotional affair. They would be _gutted_ by the betrayal of what is actually being said about them.' As a single woman having heard married women friends talk about their husbands, I think Ms. Perel is exactly right. I have heard married women commiserating about their husbands in a way where I just had to wonder what their husbands would think. If they knew.

[@ChocolateEarth]

I'm are married women of 16.5 years, and I, too, am sometimes shocked and sadden by what I hear from other married women about their husband. I adore and respect mine and our relationship. Maybe that's the difference.

[@karmamelk9]

If we're talking about a group of same gendered people discussing/commiserating about very private/relationship matters, then I've heard groups of men who are equally guilty.

[@Emy53]

This has always puzzled me especially with couples that dated before marriage, and spend time together before they decided to get married, and some couples lived with each other before marriage, so why are these couples surprised with these changes? I am guessing that it's expectations and the lack of understanding why we all change. Esther Perel puts this into perspective for us.

[@ironmaven1760]

@@Emy53 why does this surprise you? that people change? Change is the only constant in life. After 30 years of marriage I can certainly tell you that my husband and I are nowhere near the idealistic 30 year Olds we were when we married. We are still the same people in some aspects, but life and all its tragedies, challenges and obstacles has done a number on us both...in different ways. Are we still married, yes but no way are we the same...but different yes. In many ways, all the better for it at the end of the day. 💜

[@wargod439]

@@karmamelk9 Sheesh, did you have to drag men into a comment directed at women? Can’t say I’m surprised. It’s just a shame that some feel women can’t be scrutinized without bringing men into the conversation. A truly sad state of affairs.

[@cateyes3629]

Sounds like people are saying nowadays, "Let's forget God & commitment to one person". We all need to work at our marriage and sit and have serious talks about our disappointments, and what is lacking. People don't do that. Then there are people out there that don't care if a man or woman is married. They want what they want. Who cares if there are children that will be affected and broken. There's so much self-centeredness, it's all about 'me', who cares about anyone else's feelings. I know it happens all the time, and I think it's awful. Time has changed for the worse.

[@hannahmiller3403]

The adventure and feeling alive need can be delegated to pursuing a business, new hobbies, personal mission to have a higher impact on the community. I think people want physical intimacy with someone other than their spouse due to boredom that's been the norm for so long that it is intense and doesn't register as boredom/anxiety.

[@natalyaa4928]

Absolutely! You can find passion anything, not just in sex

[@Alpha-Andromeda]

Many people didn’t like the interview and said the interviewer wasn’t prepared. I disagree, it felt like she was driving questions the way a friend would if she had a conversation with her friend Esther. “What about this?” “What about that?” And it made for a dynamic interview in my opinion.

[@Alpha-Andromeda]

She asked relevant questions: such as “what would be good vows?” (Which Esther didn’t truly answer, mostly because what she was saying is that you can’t promise anything in your vows other than sometimes I’ll screw up but sometimes I won’t) She asked “What about men, what do you find there?” “What about when there is a notion of forgiveness and guilt?” Etc.

[@karmamelk9]

Yes, it seems to me that many who were critical of the interviewer just didn't like her for their own (vague) reasons, and the rare ones who actually stated a reason for their dislike didn't seem to understand the role of an interviewer.

[@maylynbayani]

My husband would always say that i am more important that all the children we will have. It's sad that how couples stay for the children when they woyld have never been created without the couple. Also, i agree that it's not just emotions, marriage is a vow that even if you suck at times, you will stay. But since marriage became less permanent, most people comes into the marriage thinking that it can be broken at the first sight of marital problems

[@strawberrylemonade7225]

People should feel guilty about having affairs...I really enjoy her talks except for that one fact. There absolutely should be a stigma associated with cheating because it causes much pain. People have the option to leave if they really want to be with someone else

[@mabailey5938]

The interviewer was so obnoxious, rude, and distracting I almost couldn’t finish watching the video.

[@sazzlepop321]

MA Bailey I agree

[@imdannymartins]

Yes 🤨😏

[@deemahdee]

Same...was about to leave this comment, too

[@humayyyra]

She did a poor job of interviewing Esther Perel... I love her work! To interview her, you should be familiar with her work! She didn't seem to be very respectful of her study and her theories.

[@MrBabalouser]

Yes I really prefer her interviews with Lewis Howes and Layla Martin.

[@zheller58]

Humaira Ahmed I disagree. Rosin challenged Perel at 34:00 which allowed Perel to deliver her overall message in five points. Then immediately after Perel's summary, Rosin offered an additional clarification of relationships ending not correlating to failure that Perel had not mentioned, and Perel responded beautifully! Rosin provided a dismissal that I assume a lot of people would say so Perel could show a different perspective on people who "cheat" and her five-point debunker of marriage presumptions. Rosin then asked a comparison to other countries Perel had mentioned she visited recently! Challenging an idea especially a good idea is not disrespectful.

[@michellekalski8823]

Agreed. She was a terrible interviewer. Esther's study of relationships is so analytical and insightful. The interviewer was not prepared with poignant questions and didn't direct the dialogue.

[@monesma6950]

completely agree... What's the point in enquiring what country is the worst or the best???

[@Ninitschga]

Exactly. An interview starts at the edge of everything that‘s been said before. It’s very much like a conversation with your partner. At first you talk about the nice agreeable things and after an hour or so there will be a silence... and THEN it starts. This person simply didn’t do their homework or went in at the assumption that no one in the audience did theirs.

[@littlemiss8867]

Infidelity has a tenacity that marriage envies. Very powerful point!

[@corsicanlulu]

its because we are animals and inherently selfish. its very hard for us humans to do the right thing

[@xDidonax]

Bullshit lulu. We do not have a selfish nature. Please look into positive psychology and understand that we have rather an altruistic nature. Also always remember: life is because of the endosymbiontic theory. Which basically says life was created through symbiosis not egoism.

[@genegreg012]

VKRGFAN “You can’t control yourself”! Seriously, there is a huge difference between controlling ones self and controlling ones thoughts! Yes actions show impulse most often but I believe ones controlled thoughts (good bad etc) highly effects the relationship just as much. Question that all you want but if you have a romance novel in your reach your reactions toward your partner is effected!

[@bozejoetheclown3554]

@@xDidonax Why do narcissists exist if we don't have a selfish nature? Everything a narcissist does is for their own benefit. That's not some altruistic survival for everyone's general good and well being, that's taking for oneself at the expense of those around you. The only thing that makes us altruistic is the fact we have to get along for a civilized society to exist and to make general survival easier for everyone so we don't all have to go back to growing our own food and fetching our own drinking water. That psycho babble, metaphysical, deductionist, psuedo science you're trying to push may work on the animal kingdom but human beings are an entirely different creature. Anyone who thinks human beings are altruistic and not selfish is a complete idiot living under a rock in a fantasy world.

[@karmamelk9]

@@bozejoetheclown3554 Narcissism is extreme selfishness, that's why it's categorized as a disorder/illness; the majority of people are Not narcissistic. And rude people who attack those hold a different opinion by calling them "idiots" would greatly benefit from taking courses in social etiquette.

[@theiablakesley4304]

I dated someone on and off for 3 years, he was constantly cheating and I sorta lost my identity in the process of holding on. But on the same token to remain stable and able to still continue on I myself started cheating on him, and like Esther says I was finding myself in other people except the one I was madly in love with. Never again will I stay with a cheating partner tho. It changes you soo much, definitely not worth losing yourself and betraying your morals.

[@lynlyn5990]

He is cheating on me right now, he tells her he loves her and he says he loves me too. I am so sad and so heart broken and we have a baby. I am so saddd and feel depressed!

[@theiablakesley4304]

@@lynlyn5990 I'm truly sorry to hear that doll, I just realized I posted this 4 years ago, since then I've long stopped fucking with the dude, I seeked professional help. I've been talking to my psychotherapist for 3 years now and am now in a very healthy relationship. You will know when it's time for you to move on and be truly happy. I know you feel sad and depressed but please do know that like the seasons this shit too will pass, what you do in between is up to you. I can only ask that you keep your head and your spirit up for your baby and your well being. Seek help if you should, don't be too prideful

[@firetiger2107]

This speaker Esther is neglecting to mention narcissism which is a really unsafe place to have a relationship

[@victoriap2519]

"There is no monogamy in your memories", which is of the past and "there is no monogamy in your fantasies", which is of the future. "So the only place you have monogamy is in reality and that is rather small portion of your consciousness". So the only way to maintain integrity is to be conscious of inner self and in general

[@kimgordon3695]

You're spot on quoting Esther 🌐

[@kimgordon3695]

50/50

[@kimgordon3695]

A lot LESS is the phenomenon 🌐

[@thelightwithin7437]

That isn't true many people have sex dreams about their partner. 🤨

[@victoriap2519]

@@thelightwithin7437 which are out of present anyways :))

[@deniqueleblanc1144]

I get really bad vibes from the interviewer

[@WilliamBarryRoberts]

she's a racist

[@ruralcounsel]

@@WilliamBarryRoberts More that she is coming from a very "woke" feminist position, aggressively navigating for as much advantage and "happy thoughts" about women, and on the other hand, dismissive and contemptuous toward men.. To a male listener like me, she radiates hostility towards men.

[@maiyer1624]

"She has enlightened me so much on so many things" lol!!!! The most obvious impersonal introduction ever.

[@valeriezaitzieff1462]

What a superficial and shallow society we have become! What ever happened to true commitment, honor, integrity and true compassion for one anotber in marriages? Maybe its time to return to more fundamental ways of thinking about marriage instead of growing more selfish and narcissistic?

[@emank8137]

Wow what an eye opening talk! Especially when she said “commitment today is not about my responsibility to others. Commitment today is a *battle* between my responsibility to others and my responsibility to myself.” WOW! Seems like the problem is due to the fact that we have become more individualistic where “I” become central, not “YOU” (serving others, my duty and responsibility to others)

[@dime7612]

This is one of the most brilliant talks from Esther or anyone past or present. People need to hear this from a young age to encourage a healthier perspective.

[@samlakhal5742]

She's amazing. I can never get enough of her. She makes me feel normal. Bravo Esther.

[@arianaalvarez6579]

I went from fear of abandonment to fear of losing myself. Like 6 years ago after I had my daughter, the dad kept leaving to hang out all night. I felt weak and helpless, I literally almost lost myself. Then I decided to confront my fear of infidelity and everything that comes with it by agreeing to have 3 somes with the dad and other woman. I learned how powerful I am and how I can change my relationship. Who is powerful now😅😊. Now I can freely talk to other men without feeling shameful or scared someone might see me. I still have a 12 year old relationship and I'm happy and powerful.

[@aminmitha3166]

Esther is amazing. She really helps one understand what is happening with one's emotions and thoughts with regard to crisis in relationships. The interview started with the issue of infidelity in a happy marriage but Esther took us completely and cleverly somewhere else......for example, explaining that one person may be in the fear of losing the other and the other may be in fear of losing themselves ! Bravo !

[@nessav7258]

unlike the other observations of this interview, I think it was interesting in that I haven't heard a lot of what was said by Esther before. The topics were varied and interesting. Esther knows how to manipulate her answers to the questions to reflect her expert knowledge in many areas of relationships.

[@maureenwheeler1735]

The other interview we is annoying 😃

[@sarajeanscissorhands6707]

So realistic, so honest, so eye opening.

[@ayeshhas5641]

Sara Mecredy for me, not so much.

[@NureyaAlexis]

Did not like the interviewer... Esther is always brilliant anyways

[@JustBeingAwesome]

Likewise! Very judgemental.

[@conradphillips5017]

Interviewer is smug and antagonistic

[@paulinawaas9204]

Esther Perel is a very knowledgeable and articulated! She is brilliant!

[@gordonbecker1456]

Emotional affair can easily turn physical and vice versa

[@daddams6379]

I've watched a lot of Esther interviews and she seems a little on edge here; maybe because the audience isn't really tuning in to her station, or giving much feedback. There also seems to be a little bit of tension with the host as well; Esther rarely looks at her. It was very cute to see her lose her train of thought towards the end.

[@joanlynch5271]

Maybe she is tired!

[@Checkmate1138]

To be honest, she also reiterated a lot of the same points that she made most famously in her TED talk.

[@Mxtraveler]

She is talking to the audience.

[@kimrisnear3866]

Selfishness and lack of integrity cause a person to cheat. You can feel alive and find another you without destroying another person, lying to manipulating and exposing your partner to diseases never comes to a positive end for any party involved. Their will never be an acceptable reason to cheat.

[@roseagaatsz8403]

If you Need someone else to have sex. You should never get married. Be free you don,t hurt the one you love.

[@Fefe559]

I love what Esther said about parents?!?!! So true! The child gets the latest fashion & the parents wear clothes that they can not remember what colour they used to be. I WAS that parent ?!?! TRUE ! That was so insightful & just assumed that was what i was supposed to do?! But I was a widow with babies so i kind of had no choice tbh - but still - Esther is on point

[@beetdiggingcougar]

I agree. There's a lot of societal pressure to give everything to their child(ren) and have nothing left for themselves or others.

[@Paul-173]

"We are transgressive by Nature "What a powerful statement ...

[@ericthiede9712]

Esther touches on some wonderful points and deep similarities to how Jordan Peterson talks on pursuit of happiness and pitfalls of modern love. Her eloquence of common sense resonates beautifully and gives me great perspective on my ex-wife's affair and my divorce in my late 20s. I would love to hear them bat their ideas around, I think it would be a powerful and meaningful conversation for the masses.

[@theog4643]

Would love to listen to a talk between the two

[@katarzynalindner594]

But she is not into Peterson, as on one these videos...

[@ilonanersesyan2891]

best talk ever, thank you

[@JLandavega]

Esther is wonderful She articulates very well , her thoughts on relationships make sense

[@schappiness]

just brilliant!

[@claudinefenard7818]

Great message

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

I find this woman brilliant. I'm looking forward to her getting deeper as she goes and bringing in narcissism, alcoholism and drug addiction to the mix. 💐

[@amyrivera6088]

YesSss bravo!!!! She is the best

[@EvieMatavelli]

That guy in the end ruined the Q&A.

[@AngeloGuardia]

The interviewer had no chance vs Esther, sluggish and slow for this formidable fast thinking woman

[@ShannaTrenholm]

Esther Perel is a fucking genius! I love her (can't say the same for the "scared and defending her relationship status" interviewer). Monogamy was instituted to contain/control female sexuality (and to track lineage). It's not "normal" it is just one option.

[@corsicanlulu]

monogamy and patriarchal marriage is why we have civilization today, if not we would be living in caves and grass huts. for better or worse, it seems to work

[@gwenscott3519]

Divorce is more common now because divorce is more available. Civilization has been here before, as is mentioned in the Bible; For as in the days before the flood, they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark,” (Gen.6-7). Civilization has gone through sexual revolutions before and come full circle, history continues to repeat itself because each generation wants to be different. I do not think life is better than it was 50 years, it's just more complicated and we have less privacy. She is wrong about males having permission to cheat. In the community I grew up in, it was the responsibility of the husband and the wife to be faithful. Monogamy is only normal for people who have the capacity to mature and be responsible for their behaviour. Everyone else wants to remain children and do what they want when they want, with no consequences, therefore monogamy is not normal.

[@apope06]

She's fantastic but shes wrong. The interviewer is more correct. Theres a lot of young girls with daddy issues and relationship issues because the marriage stayed together and allowed infidelity in secret. Shes almost saying infidelity should be tolerated. No. Its damaging. People deserve in society pure and joyful love.

[@lucasg8675]

there are many couples that have options for open relationships and experiences with more people. it doesn't make their love less pure or inferior

[@flarosecoulange8044]

I love listening to this woman ❤❤❤

[@lean9709]

I love this lady ❤❤❤❤. She is well spoken .

[@Emy53]

There are good therapist, and there are great therapist, but that all depends if they are in tune with what you need help in, and if they have the right method to convey that to you so you understand. We are all different and not all therapist are right for everyone. It's great when you find the one that you can work with because if you understand one another, you can be helped. If you do not connect with your therapist, you will not move forward and remain stuck. Being stuck is a horrible place to be in.

[@sw6944]

you may give a billion explaination for infedility but there is no justification for betrayal

[@schmo7777]

Sagar Wagh agree. Cowards and liars cheat. Period

[@movementencouragedfitness5945]

Sagar Wagh I think that explanation and justification are separate. They are not the same things.

[@romarbetc123]

You cant always forgive but you can understand. Betrayal hurts but how much is onn your end? How much is on the past? How much is of it in the now.

[@johndonaldson3619]

@VKRGFAN you introduced the Narcissist element. They don't wear the label on a t-shirt. lots 'normal' people cheat tho' the cheating is with themselves and their values

[@johndonaldson3619]

Yes, I've a friend tied up with one....8 years later shes on anti depressants and seeing a shrink. Lost grip of her self worth or confidence in her own judgement ability. I do my best to provide unconditional positive support

[@kaseryn]

Love this woman. A real down to earth speaker of truth and so cute and engaging about it all.

[@_lusciousliving_]

This is really great!

[@nancyroselli2423]

Esther is brilliant.

[@simonecavalcante3073]

Esther is just brilliant!!

[@doloreshaze10]

yes for esther smashing the interviewer's heteronormativity!

[@kapler79]

Heterosexuality is normal. Thank normal people for your life's creation.

[@sephiroth1234]

No, it's not. No one is born heterosexual. It's a societal construct.

[@sazzlepop321]

Some of her questions are lame. At least Esther is amazing at making her own points and directing the conversation properly

[@bobbiwilliam6811]

Love is awesome but smartness is much more important in a relationship. There’s a popular saying that “don’t trust too much because that too much might hurt you so much”. I discovered my husband was cheating on me through the help of an ethical hacker ( Cyberhackingsage )who helped cloned his cellphone and i was able to read his messages and uncover my husband’s infidelity without having to touch his phone. It was a sad experience for me but I’m glad i found out all his secrets and how he planned on using this Pandemic to get back at me. All i did was share my husband’s cell number with Cyberhackingsage and i got access to his Facebook, WhatsApp, GPS location, Call Logs and Text Messages (both deleted and incoming ones) with a remote link to a programmed Application on my phone. I’m here in Florida and able to access my husband’s phone...even while he was away in Canada cheating on me. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence for my divorce. You can contact them Via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage@gmail )Or Text and WhatsApp them on [phone]...thank me later

[@corsicanlulu]

marriage is becoming more obsolete. the more u experience w/ other people, the less satisfied u will be w/ ur spouse....its better to experience as much w/ that one person so u can be truly bonded, especially and primarily sex

[@GUILDAMESH]

As a man who ultimately would like to marry or at least would have This interview and other conversations that share this perspective are depressing I was raised to believe that keeping your word Is the kind of thing that made you a good person in particular for men Betrayal and breaking of trust in friends means this friend is unworthy of your friendship and gets written off even if forgiven they are toxic Why would this not be true in romantic relationships the main difference between humans and animals is impulse control If the only way to have a monogamous relationship is to not actually be monogamous then as a man who happens to be family orientated I don't see the point of marriage or commitment When it means starting a family means likely being left and having my children taken away from me simply because there is a new flavor out. And being a man in the U.S. odds are I will lose my children based on my gender Maybe whats wrong is with me . The ideals and morals I was raised with are antiquated And I would rather not have a child who doesn't always have his mother and father there after all I did and you always want better for your children Sadly perhaps I'm simply not built for this

[@dianamcmullen3659]

Just started watching this talk, but your sentiments are mine exactly. I do not understand people's attitudes toward marriage. It is sacred. It is a promise. It is supposed to be something shared between two individuals and not broken. Both people are supposed to enter in respecting the humanity of the other, but remaining respectful of the meaning of the union--having the insight and self-control to conduct oneself in a way that is conducive to long term commitment. Unfortunately, people struggle with this. And when they struggle, they give up. They believe it's time to end the marriage rather than work through their problems and strengthen their union. You are not the only one who feels this way.

[@dianamcmullen3659]

Perhaps I sound closed-minded saying what marriage is "supposed" to be...but I guess I have to wonder if you do not feel this way...why get married? Just keep dating and make it a super-serious level of commitment to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't have a problem with people interpreting marriage the way they want to, but it's disheartening to feel as though I cannot trust that another human being would enter marriage with the same level of commitment I would.

[@nathanmcclellan8078]

It is interesting to see how often people pick up on this one specific part of what people like Esther are saying with laser focus. They put so much value on their idea of what "fidelity" is that they don't mind enduring countless indignities because of it. She's not saying that the only way to be monogamous is to NOT be monogamous. What she's saying is that the ideal is more of a myth than a reality and THAT is the problem. She's trying to cause people to sober up and recognize the real issues at stake and to take a more pragmatic look at them; rather holding fast to a glossy eyed, pie in the sky, perspective they've always had. You point out that you'd want your children to have both parents like you. THAT'S precisely what she's saying. She's saying we've somehow got it into our heads in our country that we'd prefer somebody get a divorce than to keep their family unit together when somebody makes a mistake or shatters the illusion. She's pointing out how ridiculous and unrealistic the ideals have become. That we expect ONE person to be able to fill every last void we may have. That we want them to never fail. That we never want to ever feel lonely again. We want to be heard and respected in every single moment without err. And yet, this is not really what humans are like; nor is any one person capable of all of these things ALL of the time. Nor is anybody capable of keeping their word about everything all of the time either...noble thought...beautiful to think of...just unrealistic, that's all.

[@My_thoughts_20]

GUILDAMESH we need more men like you, what you’re saying is normal And what the world offers isnt. At least in my opinion.

[@wryckingbaul8612]

It's obvious that you did not listen, think about and truly understand what she was saying, if this diatribe you posted was the only thing you gathered from this discussion. Maybe what is tripping you up is comprehension due to the media format chosen. You might need one of her books.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

I've also listened to this a few times and I think the interviewer did a good job. Anytime a woman shows confidence we get confused.

[@annamc9209]

bingo!

[@kapler79]

What??

[@lucyloo9742]

Never heard anything so REAL spectacular 🤩

[@Juliette_Thandi]

Side note - I always love Esthers style

[@icysnow57cold64]

I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. Also, most people are pretty much comfortable enough to be naked around someone and have sex with someone that they have no romantic feelings towards. So sex isn't really a thing about romance. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

I totally disagree

[@icysnow57cold64]

@@cristinaalvarez6822 Why do you disagree? Also, there are a lot of toxic romantic relationships, while there isn't that many toxic platonic relationships. Like an example is that abuse happens a lot in romantic relationships, while abuse is rare in platonic relationships. So there is a lot of abusive romantic relationships, while there isn't that many abusive platonic relationships. Why do you think abusive romantic relationships have a term for them called "domestic violence", while abusive platonic relationships don't have a term for them? It's because abuse in platonic relationships are very rare, while abuse in romantic relationships happens a lot. And also, a lot of people cheat on their romantic partners with someone else, while most people won't do stuff like that with their platonic best friends. Also, I heard that most people can live a life without romance and can still be happy. But most of the time, if someone doesn't have any platonic friends in their life, it can effect them really bad mentally; much worse than living a life without a romantic partner. In today's world, less people are dating and getting married now, and they seem to be more happy being single rather than being in romantic relationship with someone. Also, you're going to have a much deeper spoken understanding and connection with your best friend than you are with a romantic partner or spouse. So those are other reasons why romantic love isn't real or special, while platonic love is.

[@julianrudert7779]

@@icysnow57cold64 So there are a couple of points you are making there. 1. of course platonic friendships are really important and you can connect to that person and it is wonderful. You can confide with them, do things together etc. The thing is, often times it is easier to tell your feelings to a 3. party, because you are not as afraid to get hurt/you are not as vulnerable in front of them as with your sexual partner. Of course you can have a wonderful friendship over many years and spend countless of hours together. But. For me at least, the most intimate relationship between humans is physical intimacy and intimacy in general. You do not have the Hormones flushed through your system with your platonic friend in the same way as you are having them in your system with your partner. It just is not designed that way. That is why you are more afraid and can more easily get hurt from your partner, especially because your partner also has a lot of vulnerabilities and gets hurt more easily. You can see, it needs a lot of communication, especially empathy is really important. That is often not the case. People get defensive really quickly and so forth, bringing emotions into their arguments hence causing a disconnect from the other person which can over time then lead to aleniation. From that aspect you can see that aline from how humans are designed „romance“ is inherent. More vulnerability is more potential to get hurt. 2. who says we are more happy than without a long term monogamous relationship? In the studies provided from today, we are seeing a RAPID rise in depression and unhappiness. While men are more likely to commit suicide, the rising of female suicide is far more than the rise of men. Additionally, women experience far far more depression and hence ssri and so on. Why are we so unhappy today? I argue that a few predominating factors can be counted in: stress, disconnect from the world because we are having less face to face interaction and are increasingly lonely and a major factor is promiscuity with lack of a deep personal bond. The last point i want to extrapolate. With the invention of contraceptives and the „empowerment“ of women the divorce rate increased at the same rate. Now, you can say that is even more of a reason a real romantic love doesn’t exist and in a sense unfortunately biology would not 100% support monogamy. The thing is, the more partners you have, the less pair bonding you can essentially do, the less you put emotions to physical intimacy. You basically block your emotions to protect yourself. That fact is important, because if you view statistics, when both partners before marriage are virgins, the success rate of a marriage is 80%. Id you have 5 partners before you have 30% success rate. You can see, because of promiscuity that is praised and the allowance of females to rise to their nature of hypergamy(essentially they are looking always for the best guys that are there and only date up, never down but are essentially still wanting to have a sole provider) that is now unleashed through the contraceptives and freedom of the woman we are seeing the sudden decrease of happy marriages. I think that is just an effect of these facts i mentioned. We have less people who are going into a relationship with no prior partners, thus they are basically already having emotional damage before they even marry. Thus, through our society we basically diminished love, which seems counter intuitive. In early days we didnt marry for love most of the time, but for what a marriage provided. The thing is, you didnt have experiences you could compare your previous relationship with. Now you are not content with what you do. In the past marriage came before love, now love has to come before marriage. When you are not even committing to one another before you are sharing the most intimate parts of yourself of course you would get damage and then default to just deny the fact that a deep personal bond with one romantic partner can be the most fulfilling part in your life if you found the right person. You never get betrayed by your enemy, always by your closest ones. You let your sexual partner even more into your personal life than your platonic friend, thereby you are set up for more hurt, thereby it is less likely to make amends because the potential for a hurt that cant be forgiven is so much higher. (Btw i didnt correct my grammar, but i think you can understand what i mean, too lazy)

[@icysnow57cold64]

@@julianrudert7779 Platonic relationships and romantic relationships may be two entirely different things, but that doesn't mean they are equal when it comes to the amount of love given in them. The love in platonic relationships seems to be way stronger than the love in romantic relationships is since platonic relationships are not fragile like romantic relationships are. Also, platonic relationships also seem to be a lot more intimate and comfortable than romantic relationships are. Platonic love is one of the most purest forms of love there is, while romantic love is one of the least purest forms of love there is. Most people seem to be a lot more comfortable around their platonic best friends than they are around their romantic partners or spouses. A platonic best friend is one of the best things you could ever have. A platonic best friend can be someone you trust the most, and they can be your confidant and coach. People tend to trust their platonic best friends more than their romantic partners, and that's a fact. The concept of romantic love and romantic relationships seems to mostly be a man-made thing.

[@pamvinton9273]

I ♥️ Esther and her wisdom. Every time I listen I glean something new. 😊

[@nirvanaselic]

She is a genius ❣️

[@ggzheaven2550]

Whoa Esther -- This is Open thinking-----squared. More pls!

[@mariamkinen8036]

Esther P is perfect. We cannot say the same about the interviewer. Load-mouthed me me me

[@miguelclarke4620]

Thank you Esther for your energy and straining your voice even though it would have been better if you rested it. Educational.

[@games4music]

When you find out that your spouse of 29 years has been cheating on you for years, in multiple occasions..... Do you tell everybody? Do you tell your friend or friends? Do you tell nobody and keep it to yourself ? Do you stay? Do you go? Because your spouse does not want to leave.

[@bartholomewchuzzlewit4356]

You leave unless you can live with insincerity.

[@bartholomewchuzzlewit4356]

Your so called friends most likely already know, but will only say something like ' I wanted to tell you but didn't know how ' after you leave him. Find someone who is sincere.

[@Fefe559]

Don’t u get the feeling the interviewer has NO IDEA what Esthel is saying ? I think her American liberal upbringing was disappointed that Esthel wasn’t men bashing :((( Thank god! ) Wouldn’t listen if she was

[@rashadwalker8218]

Bingo u.can see the discontent on her face

[@joanlynch5271]

This lady is great!! She kinda reminds me of a young Dr Ruth!

[@lilytoh3580]

Spouses forget that we have 365 days a year each year to work on ourselves and do some of those lovely things niw and then? That is not so hard, just plain laziness and not motivated enough.

[@denisships2861]

I like this audience very much , several times they restrain to applaud. You have the right to rationalize what you hear and just because I antagonize with parts of her message doesn't make me cancel her completely or reverse. We can thank the greeks for this open dialogue analyze

[@mariamkinen8036]

Infidelity was not what took place with me. On that basis, Define love in captivity

[@charliedavies3236]

awesome work from evidencehackers911 on Instagram, he helped me spy on my fiancee phone last week, now am sure he that he was cheating so i can make the right choice before our marriage. been cheated on really sucks,you can contact him to solve you problem of infidelity…

[@HooliTV]

I would like to see house holds where the father is present. At some point we have to realize our children come before our desires. It would be the responsible thing to truly get to know your partner before children. Understand if they're Territorial how there ego plays in their life. Are they a very jealous person. Do they hold certain beliefs that put a ceiling on spiritual and sexual growth. Communication being able to tell your partner everything is a good sign. Holding things back because you think in might hurt them is very unhealthy.

[@7ebr830]

I really, really, *really* dislike that interviewer with a strong passion! She's everything that's wrong with too many western women today.

[@unavailableelusive6109]

I agree. The interviewer had a hidden agenda here.

[@rashadwalker8218]

Indeed. Get Esther to expose men in marriage

[@infinitafenix3153]

So, happiness is outside us and based on the fulfilling of desires? and committement means to committe on our own desires? and freedom means to have many choices and feel free to 'by' any?... Doesn't It sound like if relationships have became another part of the consumerism model? I ask myself where's LOVE in all this nonsense?

[@kukurbuki]

Where is love in serial monogamy? You are together with someone until you are satisfied, and then discard your partner and go on dating apps looking for the next one. Is that not more consumeristic? Love is in your solidarity to your partner, your caring, your trust, your joint efforts, in the plans you have together for the future. It`s not at all in sexual exclusivity.

[@corsicanlulu]

serial monogamy is promiscuous too, its just a socially accepted form of it and of "love". there's little love there

[@rosieleat6868]

If you listen properly, you will see that this is all about love (without the bullshit)

[@nathanmcclellan8078]

@@rosieleat6868 exactly her point---when she says things like "honesty could be about protecting someone's standing" and describes a different basis for honesty [which is much deeper in my opinion] than what is typically passed off as "transparency". I think she speaks well of love, but she comes right out and states that love [alone] is a poor model for a lasting marriage. This woman REALLY knows her stuff!

[@terrylaguardia6838]

corsican lulu I wonder what makes you so sure of what you don’t know.

[@jelizabethpetrie6656]

From 29:00 onward says it all!

[@lalasantolla4084]

“If she’s not going anywhere why do you need to lock her up..”😦 We are meant to be FREE ladies!

[@complimentarycontemplation1873]

I’d absolutely to put Jordan Peterson in same room. They’re both so smart and truthful and say what we know to be true but never had the time to think that forcefully. And see what thoughts overlap and watch the truth expand a bit

[@tonyjohansson2967]

This made me give up on relationship for good 😞

[@cherylewers6322]

Well, I think the interviewer's husband is sitting somewhere in the middle row, not too far from the chairs. That's where she keeps glancing sternly at the most provocative, unconventional points. Esther should've ordered him be escorted out of the room to help the interviewer be more charming, and the whole talk could've taken on a less human and more digital nature.

[@dericflairmultiverse4952]

lmfso really?

[@user-nf6bw9zm8d]

32:57 an elevated sense of self, and the lost after infidelity made it feel traumatic

[@hannahmiller3403]

Why is the format with an interviewer, when Esther clearly would have preferred a lecture type format? I think it's great she is in lecture mode here so why spoil her flow by trying to supercede a "conversation" into the picture? Either that or Esther could work on openness and personability

[@ianreed7605]

17:27 amazing to hear this remark given that 99% of people who get caught cheating always end up saying (at some point) “I don’t really know who I was when I was cheating” It’s one of the most common excuses made.

[@desipoot]

3:58 - it’s not so much you want to leave the person you are with, but you want to leave the person you have become. Damn… 🤯

[@helloween76]

The person interviewing Esther is terrible at her job.

[@ruralcounsel]

Classic NPR ideological positions.

[@angelapreda1868]

She doesn't treat the individual as a whole, which means to take into consideration, besides the biological and psychological aspects, also the spiritual one. Not to say that even from psychological point of view, she encourages with her statements a hedonistic way of living, so typical for the consumerism society nowadays. Unfortunately this approach is only keeping the human being on an infantile level.

[@mahijagopalan2631]

This interviewer shld give Ester Perel her space n respect instead of cutting in now n than. So irritating indeed!

[@AndersonWave17]

So basically the cultural norm moving forward will be that sexual infidelity does not imply a revocation of support, love, and resources.

[@GnosisMan50]

At the 9:51 mark, she said, "Relationships are crumbling on those expectations but disting has become tenacious....disting? Can someone tell me what she actually said? Thanks.

[@pastelpanda9939]

GnosisMan50 she's saying this thing lol

[@GnosisMan50]

thanks!

[@eldronjaedike9374]

Oh, we men are talking amongst ourselves... Men going their own way

[@laurasawicki4565]

Some of us women, too.

[@joshuaking-lambert7540]

@@laurasawicki4565 You're both idiots. I turn my back on both of you.

[@margaritajohns7907]

You just mention the loss of the organizational typical Family in Romania versus Denmark where is loosing it due to the loss of the concept and truth of Family and longevity ❤🎉