The Actions You Must Take to Protect Yourself from the Narcissist

[@momof4708]

It's not a question of hurting them, it's all about Protecting yourself.

[@natthebratster]

This is absolutely the truth and unfortunately they would never see it that way. “You” as in protecting yourself doesn’t exist. You are not a person you’re a thing-like a mouse to a cat. That’s been my experience anyway.

[@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNigh]

🎯🎯💯

[@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNigh]

​@natt💯💯hebratster

[@chestnut638]

It took me a long time to realize a narcissist does not care about your feelings-only their feelings count. Shift all the energy you put into the narc onto yourself. Focus on you and I promise, you will start seeing the light.

[@heidiaguilar1257]

So true.

[@romanstenseventeen314]

I recently separated a long time friendship with a narcissist - the most deceiving thing about them is that initially they will come off as loving, friendly, and even giving themselves (ie, valuable wisdom in this life, and even save your skin from other bad people). However, it will be pretty quickly when you have this "something is not right" feel with them. For example, this particular individual was always trying to befriend other people to talk with him (including a 14 year old boy). Everything had to be on his terms - meaning he has to dictate the agenda of the conversation, what time we have to meet to talk, how long the conversation has to be, etc. I ended up sticking with him through and through b/c I felt "indebted" to him after a lot he did for me (ie, he saved my skin from a couple of wolves on YT). And worst of all, they actually come off as normal people when you're with them - believe me, I've seen stranger people that aren't narcissists. However, once you start cutting down your time with them...watch out! That's when their true colors will come out.

[@feminazislayer]

I do this naturally and they scurry under rocks and logs when they here me coming. Lol

[@anonymaus8191]

They care about your feelings when they are negative feelings. They like that.

[@elhadjdiallo633]

Yes yes that's what I'm doing right now I'm glowing from inside out frankly speaking !!!!!

[@kevinhornbuckle]

There are several gems of wisdom here. One of the best ones is that the narcissist will feel assaulted if you decide to stop serving yourself up as their supply.

[@deetor5551]

Kevin Hornbuckle yep! Im in this situationjust wondering what he is plannning behing the scenes now so on top of being no supply I am on guard then again they are going to do it anyway, the plan b. Oh well!

[@mlcblogmedia1156]

Yeah, last time my bro was abusing me via email, i stopped for breath, and he said Why did you stop and not answer? Don't you care about me? Classic. Shortly after than I wrote to him saying good bye like this. I had seen me being nice in the emails and him coming at me with heavy boots plus an injection of poison (Nobody likes you. Everybody knows it. Etc. He loves to separate me from the family and watch me squirm.) and then I saw the light. That is when the info began to come to me that he is a Narcissist. I wrote him that I was being nice and he was being mean and it was no longer acceptable. He will be very surprised that I actually meant this and will be acting on it.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Good. Stick with your decision. You don't deserve that shit.

[@shabnamrafique3638]

Kevin Hornbuckle best revenge in my opinion.

[@heidiaguilar1257]

Yes.

[@ellie698]

I was talking to a friend about what I'd been going through. He listened then summed it up beautifully "care as much about their opinion as they did about yours...."

[@marilyncarlson7097]

Yes, that is ultimately the reasoning that helped me stand up to my narc husband. I did it so well and so effectively that he left and never came back. I've had relationships (unwittingly) with at least 8 narcs (or at least extremely toxic people) and only one of them hoovered me back. It was impossible to resist my NM, with my flying monkey sibs pressuring me to "come back." One husband made hoovering attempts, but the other 2 never did (for which I'm grateful). The one who tried to hoover didn't seem to put much effort into it. Not like I hear about from other people. I guess that's a compliment, that none of them wanted me.

[@natashamann5455]

Once you learn about narcissism, the abuse becomes so loud that if you don’t leave, it will consume your life. You basically have no choice but to walk. Thank you Scott for your videos and insight!!! So helpful on my journey.

[@BunnyUK]

I wasn't able to begin healing until I was able to live in my own home. I've been abused by landlords, health "care" professionals, family members, coworkers, etc. and it was always because I was in a situation that they had control over. Once you remove yourself off the chess board, you're no longer their pawn.

[@sarahpachman6401]

Yes!!!

[@ernarc23]

"You don't want to hurt them...by stopping them from hurting you." I can't think of a more codependent thing to say. And I say that because... I've been there. Never again.

[@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNigh]

Indeed!!!!!

[@Slk449]

Insanity. Been there big time 😮

[@deebow0872]

You are absolutely correct..you GOTTA Distance yourself or go no contact. They are trying to destroy You!

[@d.majesty2185]

One year no contact today😀😀😀 From a female narc Thank you all..

[@RJ-hx5nb]

1 year & 12 days full No Contact, I had to ! for my mental and physical health.

[@ThereIsAlwaysaWay2]

COOOONNNNGGGGGGRRRRAAAAAAATTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Happy Birthday one your 1 year freedom. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FREEDOM

[@namerequired188]

8 and a half months! Update: 11 th month, havent broken contact! I still have a lot of healing and learning to do but im doing my best to stay strong! Its also great to see so many others staying nc or making the choice to finally get away.

[@raccuia1]

@@namerequired188 great news. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.

[@namerequired188]

@@raccuia1 thank you 😊

[@skj7593]

We get one crack at life, so don't let someone rob you from your inner happiness. The longer you wait to put the pieces together the harder it is to puzzle your life back. A cyclical pattern can be slippery, you will lose your footing, but learning how to break down the ice cycles for your sanity, manages to clear space out from the frozen past, eventually finds love and your warmth full heart. Thank You for your videos and kindness to help others.

[@sarahjohnson8514]

SKJ Exactly! And narcs don’t even live when you think about it. All they do is scheme and suck energy out of everyone to feed themselves. They don’t even skim the surface of what life is.

[@AbsoluteMdot]

Amen!

[@marisam7480]

🙌🙌🙌🙌

[@elvira6208]

Exactly

[@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNigh]

🎯🎉

[@SuperChicagoDude]

Excellent video, Scott! This is the secret to minimizing the damage created by toxic people. You cannot change them. You cannot avoid them, in some circumstances. But you can use various methods to keep your distance and to protect yourself. When you can apply these methods you feel self empowered. Think about it this way. I can influence myself much better than toxic people can influence me. My happiness, peace and health are so important, i will do what it takes to take care of me, and I choose to protect myself to maintain my health and my happiness. The power is in your hands. Be strong for yourself.

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

Not standing up to the narc is not what causes your problems. You already have a stellar personality. Assertiveness with the narc is deadly!!! They will win over you no matter what. They are smarter in deception and in life and will do things that are far beyond what you could be bring yourself to do to others, ever, no matter how assertive and skilled you are. Interacting with a narc in any way, shape or form will do you in. Life without the narc. is the only way you can make progress in life. How do you live without the narc? All the holes, all the pain, all the things missing....these are the realms of life you have control over. Your narc is the one who makes you think you are weak because you can not stand up to him/her. But you are not weak. Your narc has got you thinking you have to somehow be standing up to them. You are wise and have learned from your experiences with him/her. You are a smart cookie not to stand up. A good narc can kill you! That is a vulnerability you will never be able to overcome. It is just more mind-control on the part of the narc. that you are weak and can not stand up to them. No contact is the greatest gift for narc victims. The real standing up to the narc is the ultimate reality of being able to live without them. If you can't beat them, and it is foolish to think you can, it is time to actually live without them. It is your statement of self-pride to actually go without them and their abuse. THAT will be your ultimate victory. Don't kick yourself for being smart. The next time you stand up to the narc count how many ways life comes back and says, "You should not have done that!" Living without them does exactly what you need and more. Just address all that PAIN! Your pain and stuckness is where you may want to see that you can change your belief system and all your issues with the narc will dissolve. These are the things you have control over!

[@natthebratster]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

[@romanstenseventeen314]

Yeah, I recently cut off a friendship with a narc. It was 2 years ago when I had to cut down our conversations just a tad bit (b/c of situations on my end), and he seemed to understand. However, months later, he sent me angry text messages over why I wouldn't talk to him anymore (not true, as I said, it was a tad bit cut down, nothing more). And then a couple of months after that he would send me a "How are you?" friendly text message. And then a month later a dozen new set of angry text messages. And the cycle just continued. Best thing to do - just ignore them. Just think of it this way - you can't control all of the telephone calls and traffic noise that goes on during the day time when you're at time. So obviously you can't change the leopard's stripes of the narc either.

[@patriciadubosky718]

You haven't posted in 3 years from what I've seen on KZbin so...I really hope you are ok and safe. Your videos are so helpful and encouraging. Thank you!!!

[@maisumsobreviventedeabuson5277]

They’ve violated ALL my human rights in every way possible, I can’t believe I’m still thriving

[@cmchambers777]

Love your video. It's nice to see men talking about this. I am a very attractive woman and have had some very heartbreaking experiences with narcs who just want to be seen with me. I was a trophy wife for 13 years with my last narc. Then I got back together with my former high school sweetheart who treated me like crap. The only way to roll with these fuckers is to go full no contact. After he dropped F-bombs on me and bit me very hard on the neck I bailed. Now I am doing no contact like a boss!!!

[@marymcmilleon2821]

It's been 3 years since I cut off this relative of mine. Had to do it. Couldn't allow her to continue abusing me as she did. Of course, my cutting her off has not stopped her from continuing to lie about me and defame my name. Can't stop that part. Just don't have to see her face or hear her voice. And it does feel good to stand up for myself in not allowing her to have full control over what I agree upon. I don't feel bad about it. She is the one who caused the rift and bears the responsibility.

[@smoothandchunky1]

Mary McMilleon well said. I know my old man talks shit about me daily. I'm at total peace with it knowing I never have to see or hear from him again.

[@carolvevle8190]

I have become very leery, when it comes to people. Lack of trust!! Have you ever notice, most people don't like it, when you set boundaries. Well, too bad, because if someone refuses to accept my boundaries, then I realize they don't give a dang about me & I don't need that person, in my life!!

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

I think you feel the weakness most right before you go no-contact. After that your power grows and grows as you meet each challenge. No-contact is the biggest bargaining-chip I have had in my arsenal. It says no to the whole way everything works in the relationship or collection of relationships. It actually allows me instantly to be someone else without getting a whole host of approvals from the narc and the whole "shit-show" of people. Do I get the problem of feeling I need to go back. Yes! I feel I need to run back sometimes. But to do so gives up all the power I have gained so I refrain. I am always glad I did not go back. And you know, the longer you stay away the more your sense of your power grows just through the distance and time away. Those tentacles grow weaker and weaker. It must be about building a muscle which you yourself insist you have, not so much for independence even, but just that you won't fall for lies and manipulation anymore. Your BS meter becomes primed and in full working order. After that the rest will fall into place. Not going no-contact means going no-where and just gives you more and more time to waste in agony and self-defeat. I guess I just can't say enough for no-contact.

[@mlcblogmedia1156]

Ha ha. My BS meter is becoming primed!!

[@freddyjohnson6395]

I wish i could go full on no contact. Have a child so unfortunatly low contact and grey rock are the only options

[@taniaearle4457]

Yes the effect of cutting off seems holistic, a dark cloud lifts off quickly and you begin to see the world and decent people & things again. Least that's how worked for me.

[@yourtub8705]

There is no room for guilt or remorse where to destroy those who violate your free will and intrude into your life. they are making the choice for themselves when they violate your boundaries and try to mess up your life. The responsibility for their demise lies in their hands.

[@marymcmilleon2821]

What I'd like to add to my previous comment is that I do feel badly that this relationship did not work. I did my part in being kind and fair. I don't claim perfection, but reasonably speaking, there was no good reason for her to behave badly towards me. You can't change a narcissist. They do what they want and you can't stop them. That's the sad truth of it. The burden is on them. I don't run towards a barking dog, a beehive or a tsunami. You get out of the way and run as fast as you can to protect yourself. That's the bottom line.

[@marylouleeman]

I am glad you got free!!

[@Djones156]

Do a video on how narcissists make you physically ill - I have been getting muscle trigger points in my neck and shoulder because of certain narcs.

[@lovinglatonya3499]

Djones156 yes after I can rid of the narc I was married to. My neck & shoulders were stuff for months!!! Definitely

[@ThePaulyd101]

sounds like turrets type of symptoms from repressed emotions

[@Traceyi1000]

Djones156 Yes they cause severe physical damage. If you are not no contact please do so immediately. Your body will tell you it's nothing but pure evil

[@Traceyi1000]

Loving latonya me too My body said get away from him. I'm listening.

[@Djones156]

yes - in a way it is kind of like intuition.

[@beverly5886]

If I praise myself in front of my Narc., he gets a little upset and sometimes hey will put down the praise that I give to myself. Sometimes, when just talking to me, he is giving me very subtle put downs! I have learned to notice them.

[@mfisher2800]

It is so true that it comes down to self care and self motivation to gain strength and personal power in life. A tough new skill to learn.

[@trhair1]

Scott, you are 100 percent correct with this. The narcs in our lives have made our feelings and needs invalid or secondary for so long when you have to take actions leave, set boundaries, hold to said boundaries it can be very difficult to enforce and push forward. It is so worth it to do so. I am out of a narc marriage, a relationship with narc sibling and learning how being raised by a narc made me vulnerable to narc abuse. Actions are difficult but the rewards of being narc free are worth it.

[@hope46sf]

I had to come to the point where I realize contact with my sister was not healthy for me. I find myself tempted to reach out to her to change a misunderstanding she has about me. But then, I am reminded that the position of justifying myself is where the n. wants me. And why should I think that my words now would make any difference, when she turned a deaf ear to them before. Thanks for this timely post, Scott!!

[@peacelove7872]

hope46sf Stay Strong...You got this....

[@jofish420]

We must stay strong and stay NO CONTACT! In the beginning I was so angry, then that waned as my life got better. It had been six months when he got out of jail for hurting me. He was all buffalo tears.."we'll go to marriage therapy" I'm sorry..all bs! We also must cut ties with anyone that can go back to him and tell him what you are doing, and also that person will tell you what he's doing. Not good at all. As an empath, it affected me, and I started to feel sorry for him!! Good thing that I'm in therapy, and have a support group! Do NOT feel sorry for them! They cannot get better!

[@shawnadeyo]

I was in a store today and the register was being so slow and wasn't taking my card and i started to get panicky because I was thinking of how my narc would act if I was five or ten minutes late coming home. Then I realized that I didn't have to answer to him anymore. I wasn't with him anymore and I felt such relief. It's just another small but potent way they control us and make us feel bad. After I realized that I didn't have to answer to my narc about why I was a few minutes late I felt relief. I could take as much time as I needed to and I had a conversation with the clerk and laughed about stuff and just all around felt better. I can't believe the kind of control he had me under and the freedom that you feel when you break free is literally like getting out of prison or something!

[@bigbear3694]

I’ve came to the stage that codependent should reboot themselves, I’m 2 years out of a horrible situation with a narc partner, A Codependent must be careful not to get sucked into a spiral of thoughts 💭 of regrets ? of living in the past, you got to move forward, many codependent are a bit stuck in a moment, I know I was for a LONG time. At the end of the day you should make solid decisions to change and act differently, You never forget , bit you must move on and try to enjoy life again... I think this helped me. Stepping forward slowly into a happier life being careful not to slip into old habits... Narcs can be addictive to be around. There are many around. It’s a sliding scale I think. Some narcs are EXTREMELY-bad to others, some are just VERY annoying. The main thing is - You can see them coming... codependents can sometimes get sucked into thinking that they might be narcs Themselves - this can. Lead to a depressive slump - it’s ok to wants things - Message to self - GO OUT - Be HAPPY - YOU ALREADY PAID YOUR DEBT TO THE UNIVERSE by putting up with horrible narc personalities- Always know that you operate on a higher level than them, Narcs are like lizards. Nothing warm there whatsoever.

[@SheenaHolly]

If they are literally CRAZY, and VIOLENT, there is NO NEED TO SECOND GUESS. If you don't leave when your situation allows it, You Yourself need psychological help.THESE PEOPLE CAN KILL YOU ON MORE THAN THE PHYSICAL LEVEL, (I speak from a sibling experience )

[@Keys7]

Such a handsome and intelligent man. I thank God I found this channel about two years ago.

[@mistys2616]

This is so true, finally divorcing the narc & it isn't fun but I have little moments of exhilaration that feel like I can breath again!! I feel like I have to save myself so I can save our boys! I was spiritually & physically dying, but getting my teen boys out of there so they can have some peace is keeping me going in the divorce process. Thank you for this video, I needed it!!

[@shawnadeyo]

I have three teenage boys too and they were definitely feeling the horror of living with a narcissist. Their father died and he took advantage and pretended to be such a good loving man in the beginning. I think it's more painful when I think about what he did to my kids which were all just little boys when I met him. He tried to destroy me and all of my sons and we are trying to get back to reality and a life that is normal and Happy again.

[@loriwalker4583]

I never even knew what a NARSASSIST was until a year and a half ago. I kept hearing that word and I was driven to find out the meaning. WOW. Finding out what a NARSASSIST is answered so many questions I have had for a long time. I have been married to one for 17 years. I didn't want my marriage to fail and I wanted God to be pleased with me for keeping a commitment and not leaving for good just because things got really tough. I knew something was wrong with him for a long time and just couldn't put my finger on it plus I never knew what that meaning was. Iv left many times but I knew this time was different. I felt if I didn't go away from him permanently I would either go in sane or drop dead. Everything I hear about the NARSASSIST fits my husband and soon to be ex like a glove. Would like to know what makes a person like this and especially that it's said 100% that they will never change. That's crazy and so sad. So what brought them to such a horrible place?

[@morvaridfeiz1703]

I feel so much alive and well after having seperated from my narc husband of 12 years. My advice: separate slowly so you will get the least reaction from them, make yourself financially independent beforehand, don't let them do any act of kindness for you, don't do any favors for them, don't contact them even if you're living in the same house and leave the room they are in, don't spy on them and act as if you don't care, show happiness, tell them that everyone knows about your bad relationship with them (this way they would stop trying to hurt you physically), ghost on them most of the time

[@Richard-vq7ud]

My stomach hurts so bad because i just got a new narc boss. I see all the flags and i know what im in for.

[@matthewreiner1972]

Richard Sorry to hear that. Been there, too.

[@Biteyourownteeth]

start making your escape plan now

[@schoolprank11]

Richard so sorry. Been there. Ruined my long hard earned career because I didn't get out soon enough. So many in business. Be careful!

[@Djones156]

lol same here - I knew it was a narc before I even applied for the job but I needed a job and now 3 months later my suspicions have been verified literally every single day. Every day I have to come in prepared for whatever new ploys it will have. These lunatics are literally unable to function on any sort of healthy level.

[@Traceyi1000]

Richard Stay quiet and polish that resume just in case. I have seen narc bosses come and go quickly. If you are in a corporate office many places love these people as management material. Try to focus on yourself now . You already have the information. Many steps above others!

[@bobsidog]

7:50 ...”but you need to act on it now ... stop being so agreeable and so easily walked over by the people that are abusing you. Stopping them from hurting you is self defense.”

[@pauladsilva9374]

I stayed with a abusive toxic person because I could not get myself to leave ... I let him discard me over n over.... I have to go against my grain to handle a person like him.... I tried to love him to make him stop... I now know he cannot be helped... I now know...he robbed my heart n soul n mind..my smile... now he is trying to take everything else that remains..my livelihood my freedom ... he will not be ever satisfied... I know that...😢😢

[@sanderpsychologie]

"I don't deserve to be happy, I might as well happy. Well, the deserving is in the doing (breaking free)." This is so true. This is the conscious choice for your own good, your own well-being, it is an act of love, an act of tremendous self-love and a major step towards healing. I'm really amazed by your peaceful and clear ways of bringing what is for most of us a very intense subject :)

[@lindablindt7265]

Thanks I need to get out of this trap.

[@rodneylee4026]

My dad is a narcissist. I was in my mid 20's when I really began searching for answers to what was amiss. It wasn't until I was around 35 before I knew for certain. I now live on the other side of the country and avoid contact for the most part because even a ten minute conversation on the phone leaves me totally drained and mentally frazzled for about a week. Like most narcs and sociopaths he refuses to text or e-mail and wants to have the voice to manipulate. Unfortunately, I always think he may have changed but he doesn't. When he needs his narc fix he calls to talk and I get hit with all kinds of covert attacks that I have to back-engineer over the next few days to sort out. He's extremely skilled and intelligent and cunning. It seems so evil to me.

[@Kinghassz]

RodneyLee You dont have to talk on the phone, Communicate with him through email, If he doesnt like it so be it.

[@kathiewippel987]

Nothing short of No Contact is effective. Nothing you do or say affects them. It's really scary the fact that they refuse to leave. It's like servitude. The mistake is to drop your guard and let them in. I mean they are scary. Because once they have their claws in you it's hell.

[@shawnadeyo]

Exactly. The only way they will leave is if you completely stop doing ANYTHING for them! The only reason why they hang around is for whatever they are getting from you.

[@user-wm4je4ct8y]

They refuse to leave because your boundaries are not respected. If they can keep using you for anything then they will, and will keep on trying.

[@kolyah22]

Mine literally said "I refuse" when I said I wanted to break up!

[@WombatHide]

I have children with my nassistic co parent luckily I have the kids but I have to deal with her for the next 18 years.. It's not always that easy

[@tinalight7106]

Your such a sweet soul✨🌸please do more videos about life after narcissism. You are such a comforting voice,. I am away from my narc family and husband but like many I am still alone. I think because I am empath, I feel like I will attract more. Your voice is getting me through rough spots✨🙏

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Great one! So important for people to know what is actually happening when they're in a relationship with a Narcissist. Its so easy to make wrong decisions out of confusion. Thank you.

[@19dulce68]

Thank You! 😀🙏🙏🙏

[@callmeishmaelk767]

The easy choice is to avoid them, the hard part is they insist on not being avoided

[@gracew632]

Need a video about how boundaries are irrelevant to narcissists. Because some experts have learned to use boundaries successfully with "narcissistic" individuals, some people think the same kinds of things will work with an NPD individual. In reality, a narcissist (who is involved in your life) will keep finding new frontiers, and then you have to keep setting your boundaries further and further until that person is "boundaried" out of your life.

[@msliberated3899]

Facts

[@karenforgy4645]

I am so glad I found your channel. I'm still asking myself how the hell I got myself in this shit! I, unfortunately, have been in a terrible, mentally, physically abusive relationship with a Narcissist for almost 7 longgggggggggggg years. Its got so bad I have to leave my own home that I pay for in my name and go into hiding to get away from the insanity. He thinks I'm cheating and I'm scared to ever even think about dating again cause he drives me crazy and I'm afraid ill attract the same kind of person next time. Plus im gonna need some counseling before I try to be with someone new. Keep up the great vidoes. I feel a little less alone now.

[@marylouleeman]

Thank you, support persons. This weekend I minimized contact with narc /brother and his flying monkey brigade (two sisters). They were never nice to me. I was always trying to make nice but now I get that is not going to happen. Thank you!! They were confused. I basically was physically there, smiling, but NOT ENGAGING with them about anything. While they and the family proper were schmoozing with goodbyes on sidewalk (looks like a normal happy family and maybe it is except for my experience with them) and having already told them I was leaving as in bye! I got in my car and waved goodbye to the stunned group and drove off. It was almost eerie, like an out of body experience. I plan to continue this new practice. I have great coaches or I couldn't do this. I am gone to them. Present for other family members and friends whom I like. They will have to work this out on their own. Hope this works. Lots of prayer so forth and studying. I was going to a poison well expecting to find clean drinking water but there was none. And never will be. I want clear water now.

[@marylouleeman]

Yeah, like today. Here he is with e-mails. They would seem simple, innocuous to an outside person but for one who has been badgered and pressured by him, they are invasive and a real nuisance. It is never simple. Yes, like my desire for FREEDOM from him seems wrong somehow. Thank you for your reassurances.

[@marylouleeman]

Saying no or going grey rock with them is saying YES to me, not what I am used to at all, but what I really want in my heart of hearts.

[@eristotle2380]

this is a great video, and it hit home with me. you're right - it IS easy to take a lackadaisical 'comfort' from amassing knowledge about NPD, but have a difficult time acting on the endgame, which is saying 'no'. however, i do feel that that stage of enlightenment is imperative to success. it's almost like loading a weapon to fire at an intruder -- you put as many bullets in it as it will hold, but at some point you WILL have to actually fire it. and we all have to look at it that way, and leave the NPD 'library' when it's time. we might need to circle back for reference or support, but neither of those should keep us from real action to preserve ourselves.

[@eristotle2380]

yep. it's really all about learning how to say 'yes' to ourselves when everything in us (because we've been conditioned that way) pushes us to throw ourselves under the bus time and time again. we actually hope that the other person (or NPD) will sacrifice in the same way. but they never do.

[@carolovesteven]

Knowledge is information. When you apply that knowledge … that’s wisdom. ♥️

[@kaystamm3557]

Very good video. I can say from my own situation with a MNM and EF father the games still never stop. I have been NC for years but that does not stop the slandering in my small town. My MNM tells people that "something" is wrong at my house and she's so worried. It's embarrassing because I am a business owner in town and I feel as though people are wondering about myself and my husband. My MNM hates my husband because he stood up to her and had her removed from my business by the police when she came in to cause more upset. My parents NEVER stop. They stalk our house, my mother tells people my husband abuses me and that I'm a liar. My husband and I try to be good kind people and parents to our grown children. Now my MNM is going to my dentists/doctors asking when I have appointments. I have everyone I do business with updated on her behaviors, it's awful and stressful. I'm 58 years old, my husbands 62, we don't need this stress. My parents are 89 and 92 and still going. In my option if it's your parents that are the narassists and they are still viable, you will never get away from this as long as they are alive. After they are gone you will still be left with the doubts about yourself and the stress that they have left you with. Sometimes it feels like a life sentence.

[@stuarthdoblin]

"From my own (EXACT) situation...my parents are 89 and 92 and still going...with a MNM and EF father the games still never stop...After they are gone you will still be left with the doubts about yourself and the stress that they have left you with" - I pray everyday that when they are finally in the grave - I will have no doubts about them and who they chose to be, and only aspirations for myself, and in those personal aspirational goals, I hope to drain any memory of them, though, "Sometimes it feels like a life sentence", I get 'that'!

[@kaystamm3557]

We seem to be in exactly the same situation. Sometimes it feels like you are all alone. The wearingdown of my self esteem in just trying for years to combat my MNM has changed me. Joy seems to have become something elusive. I've b come like a hermit. I'm in a very small town, always looking over my shoulder. Scanning parking lots to make sure they are not in the store. It's uncomfortable to run into them. They are unfortunately a very active couple but a very negative drain on society. They have money and they use it! The MNM buys her friendships, so pathetic. She is pure evil and has destroyed so many lives. I have a GC sister, 11 years older who stays in touch for her own reasons/ inheritance. Triangleation flys every which way in this family. I just want my life back!

[@aboveallelseguardyourheart2950]

have you spoken to the police and asked them to make a report about the stalking and malicious communication you receive from them both directly and indirectly ?

[@kaystamm3557]

At this point, they are very old. They know not to come near our home but they continue to drive by, slow down to "look". It's a sad situation that eventually will come to an end. My concern is what it leaves a person with emotionally after they are gone. It's been a lifetime of weAring down and I'm not sure if anyone ever really gets over the damage.

[@aboveallelseguardyourheart2950]

i understand and they live in the same town as you, it is exasperating , i hired a lawyer once to do some relatively simple paperwork as they promised it but then were trying to cheat me and the lawyer told me at the end the was so exhausted by them and never wanted to deal with people like that again, thats' only after a few months of dealing with them. they stalked the lawyer , tried to smear her, threaten her etc they even wanted her to prepare an agreement about not talking about then to anyone which we refused. The other day i was feeling really glad for no contact . First i tried telling them that if they continue to treat me in the same manner they would not get to see me, now i am no contact. With some people you need lawyers and police to protect yourself. I know someone who came across a narc who made some random false accusations and he told him to bring the evidence or go away the narc was eventually charged by the authorities and had to pay a high price for it. so it is possible to get them to stop but not easy by any means.

[@triciam6765]

Scott, my Dad was a narcissist. I was very lucky; I married a wonderful emotionally healthy man because something in my gut told me to, even though, for a number of years after we married, the healthy relationship felt so foreign to me. I am now so happy I followed my gut. BUT, I find myself every so many years getting into friendships with people who turn out to be narcissists, and then I eventually get them out of my life. Reflecting on this, I think these people probably remind me of my Dad, who is now gone, and it's a way to keep a similar relationship in my life as the one I had with my Dad (without being married to the person - that would be too painful to have a narcissist spouse). You are so knowledgeable and insightful about narcissism - you don't have to answer this of course, but I'm very curious to know if you have successfully kept narcissists out of your life, or if it is still an ongoing issue, as it is with me and others. Thank you, and thanks for your illuminating, informative and helpful videos.

[@gracerodriguez3248]

This was such a blessing for me today as I realize how important no contact is. How necessary it is, but also how hard I am taking it. To enforce protection by choosing no contact, albeit a modified version since we have children, but just not reaching out. I believe that I’m ready to take the next step. This was such good fuel and wisdom and I appreciate the work you’ve done here. I hope you are well. I always revert back to this page because when I first found out that my ex was a narcissist, we were still living together and this was one of the first pages I found and discovered a living epistle, if you will, in your page and these videos. Thank you again and again. ❤

[@nicoleadrienne3882]

Thank you so much for making these videos I've been watching your channel for over a year now and I really mean this from the bottom of my heart ... you saved me

[@jessicadoucet4739]

Omg I am literally on tears seeing your videos! I'm an app thankful for you sharing ask of this info to me. All these years I had no idea what I was doing wrong where I went wrong and why everything I did was never good enough?!... Your videos have given me so much understanding of what it is I'm going thru. I am now hopeful I know I'll get my life back! Thank you!!

[@nln1897]

I just had to get fed up enough with his sick abuse. Also if you don't do it now they'll wear you down more and more and it will be very hard to do later. Do it now.

[@starrhall8160]

Thank u so much. I put off leaving him even tho he physically hurt me, awfully so...then, my son got I'll and I left the narc to take care of my son. God knew how to finally get myself OUT...I am healing and finally better after a year of dark nights of the soul. I am riding and have evolved so much. U r so wise and still so young. Bless u!

[@gracew6354]

"The narcissist suffers and hurts more when they abuse you and get more control." ~ 11:30.. Yes, yes, yes. A lesson I had to learn.. when I am routinely allowing someone to sin against me, I become their accomplice, an aid--and possibly a hastening agent--to their corruption. Not to single out narcissists on this one, because I am also ill-served by my own misdeeds, so are you, and so is anyone. Just as it is mistreatment of children when the parents never correct bad behavior and never train them to do good. But it isn't your job to train an adult narcissist, and in fact, you can't. So when I broke things off with my last boyfriend, I wrote and told him I love you so much and I truly want what is best for you. And I meant that, and it is truly not best for him to go on and on treating me like that. but that's the only way he will have it.

[@shawnadeyo]

I feel the same way about my ex narc even though he tried to destroy me and my boys. 💔 I still want him to change one day and quit being so evil but I don't think that will ever happen.

[@sandyshorewalker5364]

I have not acted yet. I keep trying everything else hoping something will work.Praying for peace and security in my life. Delaying.the enviable. Wanting to know deep down inside that I really tried but the relationship has failed. It's a big change ahead and recent conversations indicate my life is about to take a turn. All this education is building my knowledge preparing me. Thank you for your guidance.

[@macoeur1122]

if insisting on decent treatment "hurts" the narcissist, think of it as the "gotta be cruel to be kind" type of hurt. I realize that the "common wisdom" is that a narcissist can never change....but just in case that's wrong....forcing them to face the reality that others matter just as much as they do, could only be a good thing. It's also possible that the reason you're afraid of hurting them is because they've conditioned you to feel this way, and that it has nothing to do with true "hurt" on their part, but rather could just be another one of their manipulations. A huge part of our healing is learning to take responsibility for our own well being....and that means saying (not necessarily out loud) "F*#% THIS! I don't owe this person anything! ...and I was not put on this Earth to be fed upon. I may love this person...I may care about them....but we will both drown if I don't save myself!"

[@cloverever2810]

Your smiles make me so happy☘️

[@macoeur1122]

Yes! I found that reviewing every instance that I was able to identify as "manipulatoin"...and finding the point at which I allowed it out of the "convenience" of the moment...has helped me see clearly that the ultimate "cost" of that momentary convenience IS NOT WORTH IT...and actually perpetuates the narcissists game. This, in turn, led to a commitment on my part to learn to identify manipulation in the moment that it's happening...and steer myself in a different direction. For instance the narcissist may be hoovering...and whatever "apparent" praise or "rewards" they may be showering upon you present a temptation to "take what you can get, while you can get it". But this just plays right into their game. You can't win it. You'll never get back what they've taken...but if you stop believing in any way that you might be able to...and say (internally) "no thank you" to their false "rewards"...."praise"..."gifts"...etc... you'll at least be able to stop throwing your own life energy in that black-hole, and then be free to redirect that energy in healthier, more reciprocal relationships.

[@pamelamauch8360]

I have left my narc so many times and fell for his manipulation to gain me back. All the lies and the the promises that he never lived up to once. I felt pretty stupid for going back every time. My friend's looked down upon me like I was some kind of a fool. After so many times of going back I lost their support. I began to lose them. I can't say as I blame them! I never felt so alone it only made me cling closer to my narc. I felt that I had nothing and no one left to lean on. I found encouragement and hope in your videos every time I listen to one I felt stronger until I was able to walk away. I have just left again for the 6th time and lo and behold he showed up at my door yesterday begging me for my new phone number promising me he'd pay for all these things that he caused me. I stood strong but it wasn't easy. But I did it I got rid of him and I felt so very empowered! I began to realize that I am in control and I am the one and the only one that can stop it. I do not deserve the treatment that I received I am a good kind loving person I never did anything to contaminate our relationship I feel good about that as he did everything to contaminate the relationship. I am today empowered and moving forward picking up the pieces of my life that are left and making them grow into bigger pieces. I will conquer this with the support that you give. Your videos have helped me so much to stay strong. I just want you to know how much you I appreciate you are work know that it does help people like me keep it up I need you. It seems seems like nobody is on your side or nobody believes you when you tell them the horrendous things that they have done to you. It is unbelievable I never thought that there was another person on this Earth that could behave this way well boy did I find out different thank you for your words of support that is what helps me stay empowered. I'm excited for my new life away from my narc. I used to feel sorry for him but there's nothing to feel sorry for they are simply evil people in a shell of a body!

[@theempathicsupernova6865]

These are valid points. At some point, we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions/reactions, if we truly intend on going breaking from from the narc in our lives. Otherwise, we will simply find ourselves back in the same circle and trying to figure out how to get out. For those of us with a narc spouse, it is literally a moment of stating, they did not make it, they are not worthy of us. It is not a spot we want to be in but the reality of it is, they have no desire - or is that ability - to be a real spouse and there is no way around this sad fact. It is that shooting the puppy moment. The problem is, the puppy has rabies, so it has to be done. My NH has no "empathy" as he states quite proudly. While this is the same for all, mine does not care and never has and never will. On the other hand, I lied to myself and told myself he cared, but he was only reflecting me. He told me all of this in the beginning...he has no empathy, no compassion, no feelings for others, he is a wall...he always called himself a wall. He has no feelings....so when I do kick him to the curb, what I am doing is admitting once and for all, there is nothing more I will try to do for him - He is indeed a wall, he can have all of his bricks back and start hitting someone else on the head with them.

[@trickynicky2118]

Great video, this encapsulates exactly where I am. I have too much knowledge to deny my abuse but going no-contact with my abusive parent is so hard. Its a killer knowing that they REALLY were abusive to me and I have to go No Contact to heal. I have put theory into action in the last week- gone No Contact but yes it is a painful, difficult experience as the manipulative hoovers have commenced immediately. It feels awful but if it stops the abuse it must be done. Its a my pain OR her pain situation and I'm choosing myself for once :-) I have found it pulls a lot of feelings out and can put you more in touch with the toxic shame that has been projected into victims from the narcissistic abuse. I think creating that safe emotional space allows for recognition and release of the painful stored emotions. I feel lighter (freedom in sight) , terrified (The Fear, Obligation and Guilt), excited (a future free from further abuse), treacherous (I'm an emotional prisoner escaping) and optimistic (imagine a world without feeling constantly shamed and self-justifying) all at the same time. This video made me realise I was getting cognitive dissonance between best practice dealing with Narcs (NC) and remaining accessible to further abuse by my predator. Using the right terminology helps as I am preventing re-traumatisation. Thanks for encouraging.

[@tootienottoofruitie1726]

Lock your doors‼️ privacy seal your windows...stay away from them ‼️

[@forjusticetruth943]

I'm the same way. I will sit around and analyze him for hours and why all of his behaviors point to narcissism and different forms of abuse instead of just being like... he's abusive, he's hurting me, that's all I need to know in order to understand that I need to get away from this person. I struggle with the same thing and I am currently not responding to him after 5 days of being ignored by him. He gives me the silent treatment for 5 days... I'm over here already coming into acceptance that it's over, crying multiple days in a row as if I'm never ever going to hear from him again... and then he randomly sends me a text tonight. Even though when I reached out the other day asking if we were ever going to talk again he completely disregarded me. Someone who cares about you and loves you but just needs some space is going to respond to that message and assure you that it's not over and that they are just needing some space... or be clear in the first place that that's what they need. This behavior is absolutely sick. Everytime I think it's over and he "cuts me off" it's never actually over. I feel like I am fucking trapped. It is the biggest mind fuck and emotional roller coaster that I think I have ever been on in my entire life. These people are so convincing, deceiving and calculated in what they do.

[@TinaLouise73]

I seem to attract nasty narcs like a dam magnet! It's like being punished continuously for something I don't know I've done wrong! Why?!!

[@user-cf3iz6cl5q]

It's pretty simple - as soon as you get angry enough about being abused, you'll kick them far, far away from you and your life. Anger is the way to overcome your fears and insecurities. That's how I kicked out ALL dysfunctional, toxic people from my life, including my narc mother and co-narc father. 33 years of massive narcissistic abuse in all it's shape and colours and a lot of being bullied in school/jobs taught me this! I'm free now! One of my best decisions!

[@TinaLindholm]

On a higher spiritual level, you are helping them, by standing up & making healthy boundaries, there mind is on a child level, who never got the right directions.

[@bradmcewen]

Very good thoughts Scott on the evolution of empath / target recovery development. To see that we still have concerns we would be hurting the narc are both ridiculous & reassuring too that we have not turned into them. They would love that. Respect others & certainly ourselves. If that gives the narc an injury, so be it. After all being kind, caring & patient to them cause that too. Release & let go.

[@gerrie9002]

You are a God Sent! Thank you for your wisdom and for the validation! You are a strong amazing young man! 😇

[@12himitsu12]

everything you say hits close to home...I feel that we were raised in a very similar environment

[@pursue513]

Scott come back! Hoping you are well, man!

[@choosepeacetoday]

Yes, I agree. Would love to see more of your videos.

[@bradmcewen]

Good clear thoughts & validation on an insidious dilemma. Like you said, until you disown it. They are the exception to how we would prefer to humanly interact.

[@Peace-Love-Light]

So eloquently put. Bravo!

[@midgard8550]

I've learned when I feel sick before I have to stand up for myself or say something the narcissist is going to manipulate is because I know I'm in for an energy draining, depressing, highly sickening exchange with the devil

[@beverly5886]

Yes, energy draining! Very subtly!

[@catherinescott9056]

your voice is so calming. thanks for making these videos

[@JennaRyanShow]

But taking action means you will be without them and that hurts because that person is still needed. You have to decide to be by yourself That's the hard part.

[@raccuia1]

Jenna Ryan, you said, "that hurts because that person is still needed". What do you mean by them being still needed? That's got me puzzled.

[@namerequired188]

Thank you so much in helping to break the illusion.I love your channel, you do phenomenal work!

[@SonOfGodzilla75]

Cutting out the narc is very hard even after you realize and accept what they really are. I believe and I can only say from personal experience based on how I feel and felt its because we don't like to give up on ppl. We want to believe that ppl can change for the better. Sometimes people do deserve another chance at life to become better than what the world has made them. Kinda like Luke Skywalker did with his father Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi. We cling to hope and thats what makes it so hard to do what must be done. Personally I'm the type of person who likes to keep their word. When I make a promise or say I'm going to do something I do it and the only thing that will keep me from doing what I say is some sort of life crisis. However, with that said I had to break my word to the narc by walking away and that still doesn't sit well with me especially when it involves children (which were not mine btw). All I can tell myself is that I tried my best, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

[@ang_ro]

So freaking true! I needed to hear this tonight.

[@IAm-zu4ql]

Your videos are spot on.be more confident ...and make sure you keep making them . they are really helping me and I'm sure others to this very day. Keeping me alive.

[@pratikmanavi]

I’d been a victim of a narcissist who was my senior in school and also a bully. He was cruel, evil and intimidated me with his gang and often picked on me when I was alone. He gave me ultimatums. His friends always fed his ego which made him feel elevated at all the time. He also fed his own ego by chipping away my self-esteem before his friends. He always got the better of me by behaving in a condescending manner. But after a few months I realised that he gets the energy from his friends. Without them he had no self esteem left. He always wanted people to make him feel superior. He picked on me because I never cared much about him. That kind of made him feel ignored and he always wanted my attention. So I thought lets be nice to him. I complimented him on a few occasions to try and satisfy his false ego. I thought by doing so he will leave my back, now that he is getting his due attention. But, he kept condescending me no matter how nice I was. He took it as a sign of weakness. However by now I knew that he gets the energy to behave this way from his friends. After a few years I came across his facebook page where he had left his number open to pubic view. I kind of guessed that in the day time he is between people that make him feel safe and good. The best time to intimidate him is to ring his number at midnight because he is alone. Just a RING and SILENCE. Night 1: 1 am : Phone rings He picks: hello hello! Me: (Breathing sound) silence Night2: 1am: Phone rings He picks: hello hello! Me: (Breathing sound) silence Night 3: 1am. Phone rings He picks: hello hello! Me: (Breathing sound) silence Night 4: 1 am. Phone rings He picks: Hello hello (he is nervous). I can hear his family in the background. His family: Ha... hello... who who...???? Me: (Breathing sound - long exhale and inhale) He and his entire family were horrified with me the unknown caller. They could’nt trace me back. They haven’t a clue who the fuck was doing this. I’ve maintained the suspense since and thus playing with his insecurity. He feels insecure when alone. “Operation Narcissist”

[@audraromero334]

Excellent video. The manner in which you conveyed this information was so insightful....I don't find that this topic isn't frequently covered and when it is it's not from this particular standpoint. Thank you! God Bless.

[@amycimaglia8807]

I left my narcissist with the help of my brother a year ago. He went insane and said I was stupid and crazy to run away. He was problematic when I saw him publicly but sent me heartfelt texts which I do not believe. I am so much happier and tell you that the best thing is to leave a toxic person.

[@user-wm4je4ct8y]

I didn't see the harm at all while I was actively chatting with the narc but at the end it was a shock to me what I had actually been dealing with, when his mask dropped off. So it's new to me to ignore and shut out someone I thought was a friend when he tried to reconnect. But I know now what he's like inside. They just use and manipulate you and pretend they like you when they don't.

[@sugarcayenneseven1454]

this us a very important topic.so grateful you posted it. the elements of emotionalism(and empathy) are very strong in us . its a great topic to expand upon with excercises or tips to ALLOW the loving energy WE put forth to return to us as Spirit intends. Joy in OUR Being and fill OUR own Hearts. and dissolve a mindset of lack or poverty. loneliness. we know whats up , source of afflictions..now its time to cowgirl up, put on big boy pants and start pulling up bootstraps! ♥LOVEVOLVE♥

[@mlcblogmedia1156]

One of the things that makes it hard to break away is that I have been ostracized from this family all of my life. My pastor helped me with the rejection issues. We cannot always have friends in our family. Now I am trying to remember to just be brave and excited about my new life.

[@kahlodiego5299]

It's true; little things I've done felt very empowering. I guess I got upset with myself for not moving. I needed the money for so many other things and I didn't think it was far enough. No one really supports me.

[@veryuneek1]

Thank you! This was very helpful understanding the importance of implementing what I have learned thus far about narcissistic behaviors, and how to protect myself by staying away from him. This is more than going no contact, it is actually doing something to change my life, which I am doing. Again, thank you!

[@jessicajones9755]

Your videos helped me and my husband a lot! Praise God because I felt like I was the one who was doing the wrong thing. Just recently I’ve had to step away from my church. My pastor and his wife have been like this! I had asked God to reveal what he wanted me to do. I cam across your videos and now God answered. My prayers. So many times I’ve watched your videos and realized that was them it’s amazing to me that people are like that. I was preyed upon because I fall into one that has empathy. I know them six years and now finally the chaos will stop. Thank you and I think you are helping so many people. I pray for you and your loved ones. God really does answer prayers!

[@MasterMalrubius]

It is a jolt to hear someone talk about hurting someone who is hurting you. It is exactly what was happening in my relationship. It kept coming down to not wanting to be the bad person and saying "no". For some reason and for a long time I was unable to just say "no" and mean it. It took several stages of lowering expectations before making the final push. Many instances of being blamed for "having too much pride", for making her "look in the mirror at herself". No matter how bizarre it sounded it took so many times to sink in. But, after seeing the same excuses, the same accusations and attacks on me, the one who had actually made any effort at all I finally realized; It was NEVER going to get better. It was only going to get WORSE. I realized that ANY interaction would bring the same result. She was only reading from her "script" Acting her same role and saying her same lines. It finally dawned on me that what she was doing had nothing to do with me. Any time I took her back into my life at all (even post-romance) it was going to be her trying to work her seduction on me so that she could gain some hold on me to exploit. The result was me sending an apology.Yes, and apology to her. I agreed with her statement that she owned me nothing. That I was the one who was wrong (I actually had expected something of worth from her after all the failings I'd witnessed). So as you said, it was on ME to fix it. So I did. After I sent my apology I received a gushing letter from her about how wonderful it was and how much she appreciated it. Great, because it was (almost) the last thing between us. A year later I did finally respond to her to talk to her but as you would expect it was EXACTLY the same script as before. I had detoxed myself from her addiction by then and was able to calmly smile at her and say, "I appreciate your offer, but at this time I don't see it working out that we can get together. But I am happy to reach out to you if something comes up that I think you'd enjoy and you can do the same.". The icy smile I received in return was priceless. She tried once more as I left to use sex to get to me but by then I was abhorred by her physically as well as emotionally. It was easy to push her away and remind her she was in a serious relationship with someone. Even with that she tried again months later with a text. I finally took out my hammer and stake and drove it home by telling her then boyfriend about her actions towards me with the texts and emails she sent. Two years on and not a peep from her. Did I hurt her? I certainly hope so!

[@trinity6764]

Thank you for this video.Realy helpful . This is something I need to hear now and again . I still sometimes don't handle this in the best of ways.

[@choosepeacetoday]

Thank you Scott. I agree with you. We should only let special people into our inner circle. That is personal boundaries.Hope you are doing well.

[@onlyonce1707]

It is all on you to decide who you hang around with - it falls to you. So right! I also like the understanding part but acting on it is hard - and you do feel weak through some of the stages. It does require working on yourself and not being so agreeable all the time. It isn't fun. You don't want to hurt them but when enough is enough you have to act on it. You standing up does gives them a jolt but I agree it's not adding true pain to the situation. It's orientating them to reality. Then yes, you have to follow through - maintain the boundary or plan your exit. Thank you for this!

[@diva142011]

Just watched this video... Thank you for sharing this information. Having this Knowledge as a powerful tool for healing oneself

[@acasiere1]

Thank you SO much for this, It totally speaks to me right now.

[@yryalam7874]

Honestly, why the heck agonize about hurting the nasty narc's feelings? COME ON! These vicious soulless sods, have sought you out and plan how to humiliate, exploit and use you, and in deciding to stop them, we are to worry about their 'feelings' ??? No, no no... please I wish I could get a donkey (yes a real one) to kick em in thier privates, , then I'd laugh, cos you know... they smirk each time you fell for their tricks and their pity ploys!

[@redpoppy7230]

Thank YOU for your time and your awesome wisdom!

[@alyzimm1741]

Ty so much. I really needed to hear this. As a matter of fact, I'm going to put it on loop. I want this info burned in my brain.

[@silvastomp]

Great video again! Thanks for continuing to share, things make more and more sense getting your perspective. It really is the view of themselves that is at the heart of narcissists - they are not comfortable in their own skin.

[@legaleagle7896]

thank you for this very supportive video, Scott