The avoidant relationship cycle

#avoidant #avoidantattachment #relationship #dating #insecureattachment #relationshipcoach #fearfulavoidant #situationship #dismissiveavoidant #attachment #narcissist #emotionallyunavailable #toxicrelationships #discard #breakup #heartbroken

[@ellebelle3812]

I think the point being missed here is really not whether they are a narcissist or an avoidant. Or why they are a narcissist or an avoidant. The point is that the behaviour is exactly the SAME and it is toxic AF. And that your job is NOT to understand WHY somebody abused you cheated on you hurt you avoided you and discarded you. Your job is to know that you deserve a healthy partner who treats you with love and respect. The point is that you need to get the hell out of there because these behaviours are ABUSIVE and will never result in anything but pain, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR DONT DO. You can NOT heal or help either of these people, BOTH will destroy you, and it is completely IRRELEVANT what their intentions were in destroying you. You can NOT have a safe relationship with EITHER of these people. And you DO deserve a safe relationship. The end.

[@andziagreen4922]

Exactly 👏👏

[@Unibot47]

Well-said.

[@calumrobertson1684]

They also rebound to surppress their feels for the ex so they can stay in the honeymoon phase. Take the baggage into that relationship.

[@cococaptivating7611]

I’ve been with narcissists and dismissive avoidants. Two of them actually deactivated to the point of such coldness. Where are the sane people???

[@Ahicksaf]

Me too first one was unaware narcissist dhe blamed for everything and never took accountability. The second was hot cold and avoidant, nothing was good enough. When she showed me love understanding and suddenly went cold. Sane people i don't know what that even means anymore

[@annnee6818]

I dunno I don't appear to meet any either

[@spiritwanderer777]

me too and DA was so similar that i wondered whether she was a narcissist. in the end she was stone cold, like a complete stranger so i ended it

[@afrolessninja]

Couch can you do a video on what a cured avoidant looks like?, recently I bring up therapy with my avoidant and she's been going for years,she opened up a part of her I've never seen before,it was abuse from childhood that was very similar to mine and when I shared my story it was almost as if she realized that as unfortunate as this neglect was she didn't have to face it alone,she cried and told me she felt this relief like she was genuinely happy for the first time,and as beautiful as that moment was I'm starting to have my walls go up because I know if you get too close they can discard you and now I have this luming fear that it's coming,like I'm not out of the woods yet 😨😓

[@user-lb2sd6ts7n]

Ryan, you are my life savior. I have been trying heal from a narcissistic trauma bond with extreme inner pain. you have made me feel good within just couple of days ...

[@dmitryisaev5955]

With DA I felt insecure. But in fact she was much more insecure as I know now…😊

[@fordperformanceandoffroada376]

MY EX IS A AVIODENT. ive gone thru love bombing and discard around 10 times

[@ritapeters1330]

Great video Ryan ❤

[@alexandermalin6027]

My DA ex just got laid off from her job yesterday. Is that karma for the discard I ask myself. Part of me wants to reach out and ask how she's doing, but I've been NC for 3.5 weeks and know unless they reach out I can't break it. Gotta love ourselves more than others who were so willing to throw us away with no conversation or anything.

[@kswissu72]

My friend, you deserve happiness. Don't go back, not ever! The cycle will only repeat itself. Remember, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. We are all broken in some shape or form. But healthy people don't go around hurting or damaging people they claim to love. Work on yourself and a good person will come into your life. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't know how to treat you.

[@alexandermalin6027]

@@kswissu72 Thank you brother, I appreciate your kind words and for sharing that wisdom. It is a logical fact that I am aware of, but sometimes my emotions blind me and I close my eyes to it. You are so right, and I so grateful that you've taken a moment to help remind and encourage me. Much love to you.

[@Cre8Fire34]

Since my DA ran away: She's relapsed with herpes ( interesting note: not one flarup in our entire 19 months together) and an autoimmune illness, lost her job, is getting evicted, and her Dad is paying her rent (she's 53)- she reported in a self-absorbed good bye email. She's wondering what lessons the Universe is "trying to teach her". But, she wishes me "success". After two years of of a relationship where I loved and supported her in all ways - and helped provide stability for her chaos. She exhibited ALL the DA traits - but I didn't know about attachment styles when we were in the middle of our relationship. I tried to "understand" - and believed her endless rationalizations for her behavior.

[@ritapeters1330]

Why should that be karma her losing her job? No, that is not karma, that simply is how things are going nowadays.

[@kswissu72]

@ritapeters1330 Good people never wish bad for anyone. What you give out to the universe eventually comes back in abundance. Be it good or bad energy. She was probably destined to lose her job. But, she would have had the support of a good man to help her through a difficult time in her life! Like I said. Walk away from people who do not see your value. You will never be good enough for the wrong person!

[@fitnessmusic3329]

Amazing!!

[@johnnycomelately6341]

very good. thank you

[@gregorystinette8271]

Epic content

[@Flufero23]

So true . The stages my ex FA went through.... My ex FA monkey branched after going through all the stages. Ironically, my ex FA is also my twin flame. The stages are the same. For me, NC forever.

[@eppsislike]

Your ex monkey branched but they're your twin flame? Wake up dude.

[@Flufero23]

@@eppsislike Apparently, you know nothing about the twin flame journey. Educate yourself.

[@Flufero23]

@@eppsislike Educate yourself. Don’t talk about something you know nothing about.

[@joaopombo2775]

Hi. Should we send to an avoidant some videos to clarify them about steps we think would be useful to heal, or should we wait for them to realize it by their own? And offer our help to join them on that journey?

[@ghislaine2825]

،🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@XOChristianaNicole]

I would say, for me, as an FA - I don’t get anxious, at the beginning of a relationship (any type).. I get excited. Like a puppy dog. Well, I use to. I don’t tent to feel much, anymore, now; when it comes to new friendships. Except, when I know I offer them something of value; such as, something I am knowledgeable on. Though, most often, it’s because I don’t have many people in my life, that I feel I can, legitimately, on a deeper level, connect with. It’s not that I always expect a deep connection to develop, with every single person who catches my eye and I attempt to form a friendship with. Though, you are correct - there’s lots of things I have bottled up, and want to share. I am autistic/BPD, also. So, a lot of those things I have bottled up and want to share, often, are simply things I have learned about or have a hyper-focused interest in - such as health and music (ironic how I lost partial hearing, in one ear, due to heavy metal toxicity, from barium contrast, used in CT scans - while being an obsessive heavy metal music fan. I told everyone they were blaming the wrong heavy metal, for the hearing loss. And look who was right). I get anxious AFTER I start to open up, and share all the things I want to share. And that’s, usually, when I start to pull away - especially, if I am not receiving a similar energy back. Or I perceive I am not. Like, if I send a friend a music video or a song, I think they’ll really like - and I don’t even get a response? I take that as a form of rejection, and disinterest. Not just in what I sent ‘em, though - in me, as a whole. I know it’s not always the case, though, it really hurts when I am attempting to connect, and people dismiss it, and don’t see it for what it is. I know it’s just a stupid music video, song, short, article, or whatever - though, if I thought of someone when I watched it, and sent it to ‘em.. Well.. I appreciate when people send me things, that they think I might enjoy (except my mother. Her own mother was diagnosed with NPD. Ironic how my grandmother was the one to treat me better, and instill some semblance of self-esteem, within me. Often, I fear people feel about me, the same way I feel about my mother, when she texts me those kinds of things. Incestuous enmeshment, at it’s finest). However, it’s really nice to know that someone was thinking about me, and took action to let me know - especially, like that. Even if I don’t wanna watch or listen to whatever they send me - I do it, anyways. Because I think that reciprocation is important. I understand people have lives and are busy - and, of course, not all their attention will be on me. And it shouldn’t be, nor do I want it to be. I had a DA, for my first boyfriend - who’s entire attention was on me; and I had to push him to make friends, outside of the people we both knew. Especially, because I was so frustrated in our relationship, because he was dismissive of my own needs (normal romantic/relationship stuff and home responsibilities. Normal adult stuff. This first relationship/boyfriend, drove me near insane - because I really was making an effort, to connect and be responsible [I was 20, living on my own, for the first tome; he was 27, thought, I believe on the spectrum, also] and was always shot down. Yet, he always wanted to be around me. And if felt like all the responsibilities, for both of us, fell on my shoulders - like I was his parent (mother-enmeshed, also). We remained friends, for many years - until he got his first girlfriend, after me, two years ago. He became cold, pretty much, overnight - out of freakin’ nowhere. Now, he won’t even talk, to me, beyond very minimal. However, my stuff is still with him - as I fell ill nearly over-night, over a decade ago, and have been fighting to survive, over this last decade [especially, attempting to still figure out living arrangements, after surviving California’s most deadly wildfire, in 2018]. I will be seeing him and picking my stuff up, in September - which, he moved out, into storage, only because his girlfriend moved in. Without even telling me, anything, or be willing to talk to me. Which, I want him to be happy, 100%. Though, he didn’t have to be a dick, about it all. And the way things have gone, since then, being I thought we were on good terms and good friends, and some recent events - well, that’s how I found your channel). However, it feels like many people don’t make an effort to make time, for me - even with simply responding to a mere link, I might send ‘em - when I put in effort, to make time, for them. Which, I know it seems like a not a big deal or even kinda dumb, I am upset about people not responding to such a thing, though - I am coming out of a near decade, of being bedridden/housebound (and surviving Munchausen’s by Proxy). So, the internet has been my sole form of any sort of entertainment and connection, in general (except for social media. It’s too difficult to go on there, and see all that I have missed out on, with those I care about; and feeling so forgotten - being I isolated myself, due to what I was going through, and knew no one would believe me; especially, because most people like my mother. My story gives American Horror Story a BIG run for it’s money). And I have even practiced not sending links or whatever, very often - and remain cognizant of only sending something, every once in a while, because I know I can “love-bomb,” in that way. Though, when I don’t even get a response, to that - I think it hurts, even more. I spend a lot of time, alone, because of health issues; and I am doing my best, to work through all the issues I have, around being an FA and having BPD. However, sometimes, it feels like it’s better to just be alone, all the time - because it feels like I am the only one who really wants to put in effort, to make a stronger connection. And it’s exhausting to keep feeling these same things over and over again, no matter how much I attempt to pivot. I’ve even been celibate for over a decade, at this point. My BFF, who lives out of state, and I met when she was my CNA, doesn’t often respond to the texts or links I send her - though, she very obviously makes an effort to connect, with me; and let’s me know she watches the things I send her, when she calls me every other week, or so. That’s what I have respected most about her, from the very beginning. Not that she makes an effort to connect with me, specifically - though, she puts in effort to connect with all the people she cares about. Like, a very noticeable effort. So much so, it often drains her, because she puts effort into those that do not reciprocate - especially, being a CNA at one of the largest hospitals, in Seattle; as well as going to school, for nursing. And I’ve been able to support her, with guiding her in not over-extending herself, in that regard - as I know I can be guilty of it, also. And her friendship is something that brings me quite a bit of peace - because she is so consistent and thoughtful. When I do my best to make those efforts, and I don’t feel the same energy, in return; or, at least, a semblance of the same energy.. That’s when I tend to disappear. And it’s not that I do the silent treatment, because I want to punish them, or whatever. I, simply, do not know if what I am feeling is appropriate - and if this is an issue, worth even bringing up, to them. Probably, because I am use to being “ghostlit” (what a great term, I learned from you). So, I take space, and pull back. Especially, when attempting to confront the issue has rarely worked in my favor, in the past. I’ll reach out, again, when I feel more regulated. Though, if anything.. That’s to test the waters, and see if things still feel the same. It feels pretty self-centered and inconsiderate to be upset, because I want more attention. Though, I do my best to mitigate my expectations and need for attention, in any sort of relationship. Yet, it feels like no matter what I do, to be a good friend - my own needs aren’t being met. So, I tend to spend my time alone. Not to trauma-dump, or whatever. Just thought I’d share my experience, as a pretty severe FA, attempting to rehabilitate.

[@MadisonEstes]

This is why you should never stay friends with your exes. There is always the risk he either feels guilty for having any feelings for you and dumps your friendship so that emotionally he can be loyal to the new girl--which isn't even a bad thing sadly--or the new girlfriend gets jealous, or there are potential boundary issues, etc. As hard as it is, it's better to cut ties when the break up happens.

[@MadisonEstes]

I am sorry about your BFF being distant but that sounds like normal friendship issues. Maybe try sending shorter messages and memes instead of videos. Easier to respond to them. I hope your friendship does better soon.

[@Tymonster95]

Both are evil