THE REAL REASON AVOIDANT ATTACHERS BREAK UP WITH YOU

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

It never works with Avoidants. Let them run away. Choose those who choose you!

[@sushisam3010]

It seems to me that even when they choose you, they are so distant that it's as if you don't have the answer. You never know the clear answer, unless they have been looking in the psychotherapy mirror for a considerable amount of time.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@sushisam3010 Their fears are bigger than their wants.

[@Bladblazers]

@@rupertperiwinkle4477 That's what I said to my ex girlfriend. It's really tragic, that your biggest fear is also what you desires the most, intimacy.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@Bladblazers Tough sh** for them. I don't care what avoidants go through. They are the worst

[@taylorbee4010]

@@Bladblazersa vampire that desires the sun

[@neveragain733]

Personally i think its all about the high, the drama and the distraction. They are addicts. They dont want to work on themselves. Avoidance.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

YEP! Avoidants avoid. They avoid anything that doesn't "feel good". I think they're chasing a good feeling. And once any conflict or emotions comes up for them, that they cant name nor process, they shut down and/or run away. Oh and they use alot of distractions - as avoidance. TV, food, social media addicts, constant travelling (cant sit still), using people for casual sex.

[@createa.googleaccount713]

YES!!!!

[@neveragain733]

@@rupertperiwinkle4477 fact

[@Alieortwo]

Addicted to victemhood.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@Alieortwo Who avoidants? Yes

[@silmaful]

First of all Ken, thank you so much for this, this is so incredibly accurate. Avoidants are emotionally unavailable people, and they feel attracted to emotionally and/or physically unavailable people (long distance relationships). The moment they realize their partner is actually available, they run away. This happens because the availability of their partner exposes them to real commitment and intimacy, forces them to look inside, and therefore realize that they have a problem, and if there is something that the avoidant cannot stand, it is feeling like a problem or insufficient (usually childhood traumas). This is why they are addicted to chaos and inconsistency, it makes them feel "sparks" while consistency and commitment forces them to look at themselves, and makes them feel "caged", it forces them to analyze themselves and their conclusion will always be that they are not enough, that they will not be able to meet your expectations and that they are not really in love. It has nothing to do with you. The better you love them, the healthier you are, the more consistent… the more they want to run away. Self destructive behavior at its best, and obviously very destructive and traumatic for their partner too. Sending love to anyone going through this, i know it is devastating and takes a reeeally long time to heal.

[@northofyou33]

Yes. The thing I don't understand about myself is, Why do I love this guy more than anyone I've ever loved? My own need for chaos, for limited imtimacy, etc? It's a complicated mess.

[@garyr1934]

Perfect

[@silmaful]

@@northofyou33 I think it's the same for many of us, and although it could be for many reasons, one of them is that emotionally unavailable people usually apply something called in psychology intermittent reinforcement (they are available only occasionally) this type of reinforcement is deeply addictive , works in the reward center of our brain like a hard drug, so that when they withdraw their affection, the suffering is enormous, while when they pay attention to you you feel in the clouds, generating an incredible feeling of well-being. For this reason, overcoming this type of breakup can often be similar to rehabilitation, I know it is very hard, I am also in the process, but little by little we will get out of this ❤️

[@silmaful]

@@northofyou33 I think it's the same for many of us, and although it could be for many reasons, one of them is that emotionally unavailable people usually apply something called in psychology intermittent reinforcement (they are available only occasionally) this type of reinforcement is deeply addictive , works in the reward center of our brain like a hard drug, so that when they withdraw their affection, the suffering is enormous, while when they pay attention to you you feel in the clouds, generating an incredible feeling of well-being. For this reason, overcoming this type of breakup can often be similar to rehabilitation, I know it is very hard, I am also in the process, but little by little we will get out of this ❤️

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@northofyou33 maybe it’s not love, rather an attachment to something that feels familiar to your nervous system. Mommy and daddy were inconsistent with their love. So we try too hard to get that unmet need met through romantic partners.

[@gregorystinette8271]

I was madly in love with a DA, but left the relationship once I discovered my dog actually loved me more.

[@magicisreal111]

Hahaha

[@createa.googleaccount713]

LOL! In my case he loves his dogs MORE than a human. Instead of Really loving your dogs AND a human!

[@mrsherwood2599]

I realized I was closer to the mail man.

[@magicisreal111]

@@mrsherwood2599 hahaha brilliant.

[@christyannceraso]

I’ve been thinking about getting a dog.

[@therocknrollcook]

It’s so chaotic and bewildering. But the discard was the WORST. . . 😢😢

[@LorenaBerrenbaum]

I feel you. It will get better, focus on yourself.

[@therocknrollcook]

@@LorenaBerrenbaumthanks ❤

[@hipnhappenin]

I'm sobbing. My guy broke it off with me twice. The first time he said it was "a feeling", and I asked why he didn't bring it up earlier so we could talk about it. He said, "And do what? Take things slower? I'm just trying to avoid worse heartache down the line." The second time, which feels more final, he actually had "reasons", which were so surface-level it was almost insulting. I am willing to be patient and work on my own expectations. It hurts he couldn't even try.

[@TrustintheLord860]

It’s not your fault.

[@lindsay3793]

So sorry. SO painful for someone who seemed head-over-heels about you and made you feel so confident in a relationship with them to suddenly TURN on you. 🙏💔

[@dianaortiz9775]

I’m going through a devastating break up after a second round. I tried to love him, be his champion. The more I loved him the more he pulled away.

[@lorishu48103]

Yes! It’s painful and we do take it personally because THEY MADE it all out to be SO Personal

[@Slaughterproof]

I'm going through the exact same. First time, completely out of the blue. Second time, there was a catalyst, but after discussion, it was the exact same reasons from before.

[@magicisreal111]

This is so validating. He committed for 11 years to an objectively much less attractive and healthy woman with whom he had what he described as a toxic and abusive relationship. She was jealous and possessive and had anger management issues. He told me she was the love of his life and that he doesn’t think he’ll ever have anything like that again. As I was lying in his bed with him after a long night of passion and connection and talking and laughing. He broke up with me when I asked for a commitment saying I’m the most beautiful, special person, that he couldn’t be more sexually attracted to me, that he loves and cares for me, that I take such good care of him, that he loves being with me and values our 15 year friendship so much …. but that he doesn’t feel what he’d need to feel to commit. He said he wishes he did but it’s just not there for him. He said that something is missing. The thing that’s missing is drama and chaos. I’ve done 15+ years of deep healing and therapy and I’m in a place of self love overflowing with love for others. That’s a nope for him. It’s textbook.

[@TrustintheLord860]

Wow, sorry. That guy has issues. I hope you do okay.

[@magicisreal111]

@@TrustintheLord860 Thank you, that's very kind of you. He does, and I really do have empathy for him. I'm doing well. I feel sad but no one can change him but him and I know it's pointless to wait around, so I'm just moving forward and focusing on me and my passions and friends and trusting that eventually I will find a partner who is sexy but who can also meet me where I am. And I do genuinely pray for him to be inspired to do the work to heal.

[@lindsay3793]

Terrible. That guy is a total user CREEP.

[@tribeofjudah631]

He was using you cos you're available and convenient. Don't let him have all the benefits until he commits

[@magicisreal111]

@@tribeofjudah631 Yep. We'd been friends for 15 years or I'd never have gone there. I don't typically sleep with anyone outside of a commitment but we dated after we both got out of very long term relationships since we'd always had an attraction towards each other. I trusted him because of our history but now I'm just doing me and I will not ever again sleep with someone unless we've been dating exclusively for a while and intentions are clear.

[@ShopgirlNY182]

Avoidants start out chasing you, then they flip the script and you start chasing them without even realizing it which gives them the excuse to dip.

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

Yep very true. It’s a game they like to play subconsciously.

[@neveragain733]

My ex was still communicating with her exes. When we broke up she asked if we could still be friends. I said absolutely not.

[@robsteries]

ooh yes, same here. At one night she was talking to me over the phone for 2 hours, telling me about 3 exes!!

[@sheliasmith2884]

Now you know they keep their exes close as a backup plan.

[@BryanFarani]

Mine wanted to do the same. She wanted to keep having sex after we broke up. I said "fuck no".

[@Alieortwo]

They all have an harem.

[@ohlookitsabird]

My ex who just dumped me last week had the same deal. Except he was fiercely attached to one ex and months ago even said he thought it would be the issue that would make or break us. He was right, it broke us. He didn’t care how much it bothered me but wanted us to stay friends. I said no. He was sadder about losing me as a friend than as a partner. Incredible.

[@Lily-RoseBorgne]

this is the most underrated viedo ever. No flashy designs no cuts no bold titles, just a plain spontaneous live. Bro we need more like this.

[@bluecoffee8414]

Agree. He's very down to earth and authentic.

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

@@bluecoffee8414 Super, thats why he's fully booked even though his social media presence is not as 'good' as others. Super high conversion rate, very genuine and authentic.

[@gayleneflower398]

Adam lane is a joke once to charge $1000 per phone call to people who are suffering. Pathetic.

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

@@gayleneflower398 yes and fuck his canned responses to comments. His stuff is all about teaching people how to tiptoe around avoidants cos that makes money. Such a grifting prick.

[@alive1901]

Already died once mentally because of an avoidant… there’s nothing that can shock me ever again ✌🏼 thankful for that

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

The best on avoidant behavior, Ken! Thank you for the insight. Me:Straight Male w/DA woman for 2 1/2 years together and for the longest time I couldn't understand wtf. Sex stopped after a year and nitpicking started. More and more distance even though the relationship was good. She said I didn't like to do walks and she did, even though I never showed any dislike. Come to find out her mother was overly enmeshed during her childhood and her escapism was to sit in her room alone. I was secure and became anxious in the end. She ended up saying she couldn't meet my needs and lost feelings, yet said she loved me and cared for me deeply. Crazy making mind fuckery

[@RowenglenKennels]

Been living this UTTER HELL myself for 20mths. Destroying me

[@elizabethwitt2621]

​@@RowenglenKennelsWalk away. Love yourself and don't settle for anything less than a healthy rekationship.You deserve better. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Wishing you the best. 🙏🙏

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

The "nitpicking" (over RIDICULOUS things!) started after just a few dates with mine!!! I can't handle that because I'm a peacemaker type of person.

[@cafesparrow28]

SAME! She broke up 3 months ago, we were NC for 3 weeks but then came back and started messaging me on my birthday. She now calls, talks, and we've hung out, and the lines between friendship/relationship (as Ken said) have been very blurry. It's infuriating to see her happier and more present now as my "friend" than in the last year of our relationship. Not sure if this means we can work things out, or if I should run away.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@cafesparrow28 Yeah, I'd be kinda wary of that, take care.

[@lolaweed7467]

Communication issues is the main problem with an avoidant attacher

[@1newwoman07]

You are so helpful. I can tell this must be your passion. My avoided traumatize me for the second time. My whole life is in world right now and you’re the closest to a therapist that I have. I’m looking for private therapy, but it seems everybody’s full.

[@carolinaberta535]

Just happended to me too. Hang in there & run the other way, as fast as you can.

[@1newwoman07]

@@carolinaberta535 thank you 🙏🏾

[@carolinaberta535]

One day at a time is the way I go. If a whole day is too much, I go from 12 hrs to the other 12. And repeat. Heartbreaking but doable. Reach here if you need to 🙋🏻‍♀️.

[@lorishu48103]

Yes

[@northofyou33]

I went into therapy because of my DA. I have spent more money than I have to get to a point, after almost two years of this, where I am actually seriously considering leaving him. He goes back and forth between acting as if he deeply cares and believes we are in a long-term thing, and then suddenly just running. The loving periods are so addictive for me. It's taken me all this time to just get to where I'd rather be alone than deal with this yo-yo love. Your videos are helping me to step away. Thank you! Really, really thank you. I wish I had known about you the first time he ghosted me.

[@Cindy-g5y]

How long did he ghost you? I’m going through this now.

[@mtbnumber23]

The emotional roller coaster is as addictive as destructive - burn out and ill health is a likely possibility

[@Kacikjv]

Have you looked into codependency on your part?

[@tracygossett4692]

I’ve been hosting an Attachment Style support group for 9 months. Studying attachment theory for over a year. Kens content is so good. He breaks it down, makes very complex biological and psychological inner worlds of avoidants understandable. I also really appreciate his dedication to not villainize any style. Through my work with avoidant attachers I have developed a deep compassion. Their treatment of others is often experienced as cruel and disorienting, but nothing compares to living with themselves every single day. Thank you for your content about attachment. It’s important work.

[@Marcel-xs1er]

Any way to join your group? i also love to study and exchange knowledge about attachment theory

[@SherriFlemming]

Your support group is a great idea!

[@NehaM14]

Wish I knew abt this channel a few months ago. Would have saved myself so much pain.

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

Like he said, it was mist likely set in stone. I learned about this before the breakup, but the shutting down just becomes absolute abuse and a trauma bond

[@lggig534]

I keep having flashbacks of our time together. Trying to piece together the bizarre behavior and running into people who knew them years ago. Their “old friend” brushed them off so rudely in front of me, that all makes sense now. Thanks for this content.

[@SherriFlemming]

Breaking the cycle is what counts! What you do is what matters most of all! ♥️

[@cococaptivating7611]

I am so impressed with your content and your delivery. Thank you! You are the best I’ve come across. I really love how you talk about the grieving I experienced after I was blindsided by a Severe D A I didn’t understand. I have been in therapy for 30 years and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. After he tried to break up with me 3 times. I was ready to give up. And decided I dodged a bullet. I believe he damaged me to the point all my progress in my mental health is going backwards and yes I want to get my progress back. I feel so damaged and my self esteem has taken a toll. Yes he told me he thought my body wasn’t what he admires. No man has ever said anything negative about my body. And I am at a point where I feel pretty good about my body. I wear size 6,8,10 American size. Depending on different designers.

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

Please don't take it to heart. He was likely just rationalizing, and badly. Even if he wasn't, just because he might prefer something else doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or your body. But it does sound like rationalizing. It has nothing to do with you, you were an Innocent bystander. Hope you feel better soon

[@Zazzazzoo]

If you can understand it's not about you...I'm still trying to do this. Mine told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore even tough our s** life was off the charts at some point. I don't know how this happens but ... so...it's not about you. you re perfect the way you are

[@SherriFlemming]

Well said. Breaking the cycle is what counts!

[@Tryyy123]

Exact words. She told me. 'i dont feel good emotionally when we are close" i prefer us being in distance and im looking forward with my plans for future. I feel scared and i dont know why. Im in love with you and i feel like this isnt going to work

[@ButterCookie1984]

Make her stand on it.

[@Apbt-rv7zw]

Hands down the best descriptor and talk about Avoidants I have ever heard. Accurate, totally relative and actual experience.

[@chetbailey1529]

Ken, you truly are a gift to all of us struggling with DAs/FAs. Thank you thank you thank you for your wisdom and deep insight. x

[@northofyou33]

My DA is definitely autistic, which amplifies all this stuff, and keeps me going back as I often excuse his behavior because he's autistic.

[@leehalloway8787]

I've dated autistic people, they were not like this.

[@MD-gk2un]

Same

[@lorishu48103]

I’m autistic and can be avoidant when sensory overload but not dismissive .

[@m.b.6428]

I dated autistic avoidant and I have autistic brother. It really helped me to notice the difference of my brother really trying to understand and the ex using his autism when it suited him to detach.

[@ShopgirlNY182]

You’re so right Ken, this was the most painful heartbreak /breakup of my life.

[@sunstars1542]

15:37 this was my experience with my ex. We didn’t fight, I gave him space and genuinely cared for him with good intentions. He broke up with me out of the blue 3 months in. Yet he remained with his toxic/anxious ex for 6 months. Thank you, this explains a lot.

[@SherriFlemming]

@@sunstars1542 Rejection is protection. You deserve better!. Still tethered to an ex or not over them, then not available for a new healthy relationship. The ex is a backup plan.

[@victoriarowe7708]

Mine said it was his depression he was broke and weren’t ready for a relationship again but rebounded with someone else within 2 weeks of braking up

[@alexaberlein7790]

Mine said, he wants to hook up with random people and is not currently ready for anything serious after asking me to be his girlfriend 6 months ago

[@michaella5799]

Must suck feeling like a 304 just used for your love hole, he devalued you. Its your job to protect your value.. you failed.

[@SherriFlemming]

This is not her fault for the way he treated her. . Your comments are very demeaning.

[@alexaberlein7790]

@@SherriFlemming hahaha thank you! the above person is just an idiot and I don't respond to lowlifes :).

[@alexaberlein7790]

@@michaella5799 although, sending you so much love. sounds like you've been the love-hole to many before. so thanks for sharing your projected perspective.

[@lisaratley4858]

Cycle: you start to feel they are pulling away, you ask about it, or ask any question, and they ghost you. Even though they pursued you like crazy. Not worth dealing with.

[@lorishu48103]

They ask you what your problem is when you finally snap after weeks of their passive aggressive behavior and evasiveness so you tell them and they ghost you. That’s a fun one too. Rinse repeat ugh.

[@Lasagna79795]

Why then they pursued like crazy? What’s the point? Get closer, to get farther away after. That’s why it’s so painful for a partner to be in such relationship. To withdraw from it takes huge amount of energy and effort. However there is no stability, I’m still seeking his attention and shallow communication…

[@BurgundyCouture]

@@lorishu48103 That's exactly what happened to me haha. That's what they do. They go hot and cold and you accommodate by being patient and don't push them, yet they still pull their horrible deactivation tactics till you FINALLY get annoyed. And when you tell them what's up, they ghost. It's funny cuz they will sometimes ask you themselves what's wrong, as if they can tolerate the answer.

[@lorishu48103]

@@BurgundyCouture spot on !!!

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

@@BurgundyCouture Oh yes EXACTLY, first time i pushed for closeness she said 'i was thinking why we don't have that deep connection'. 2nd time discarded. Mine had no emotional calibration, she could not emphatise with my emotions, had no idea how to handle/return vulnerability. I was so confused because they appear SO well put together initially. So loving, so sweet. Until it got real. its retarded.

[@PB-md3nt]

I finally told my DA that you were afraid of commitment. Of course she denied everything, I was the problem for every single thing wrong in the relationship. She never apologized for something she did that she knew hurt me, I was always apologizing for HER behavior. Avoid the avoidant.

[@lorishu48103]

Some people are too weak to apologize because their pride is ALL they have / are

[@ditheredmest]

@@lorishu48103🎯🎯🎯

[@TheGalilee416]

Give Avoidants all the space they want by walking away. You’re saving yourself from covert mental abuse long term

[@PB-md3nt]

@@TheGalilee416 I tried, and tried. I gave it one last try a week ago. She had improved slightly but continues to do things she said she wouldn't do. I finally went away and went into No Contact. She can try to find someone else at the age of 56. Good luck.

[@SherriFlemming]

@@TheGalilee416 Yes mental and emotional abuse. Calling them out and no contact is empowerment and the solution. Save yourself by breaking the cycle. .

[@pure-pisces9980]

OMFG, I feel like u were taking to me!!! The best avoidant video ive seen yet!! Spot on!!! He seemed so confident yet selfish....Im an A/P & would react as it was so painful & he would run back to an ex/others for validation!! He said so many of the things that u mentioned.... 😢Cutting/traumatising!! Ghosted/discarded!! But could be the most beautiful man!! I've had to block him after to much. ......he wasn't overly into intimacy.....we are in our bloody late 50s......I couldn't understand how he could wear a mask for so many years.....it must be exhausting for him.....cause it was for me .....I couldn't trust him cause he was so secretive....wether he meant it or not!! He hated that I could see through him... Excruciating!!!

[@gawriverma6574]

So they remain like this even in their 50s!! I thought that they realise things once they get little older. Good riddance! What a painful experience it must be to spend one’s life with them.

[@SherriFlemming]

Age doesn't change their behavior.

[@liskasimmons8665]

my DA boyfriend who abruptly broke up with me a month ago is 65!! I knew nothing about attachment styles until researching afterwards. The pain is beyond description. And I’d been married to an NPD for several years. There’s a big difference between the avoidant types and NPD. My avoidant was joyful, fun loving, warm and caring. Love bombing but with more authenticity than an NPD’s love bombing. Acts of service from my DA were over the top. Those also melted my heart and increased the bond. The bond that was harshly broken like a switch had been flipped.😢

[@liskasimmons8665]

Thank you, Ken. I have binged on your level and super descriptive content. It continues to help me get through this agony.

[@cococaptivating7611]

I really needed to hear this. They truly are the opposite from me and they really do have low self esteem and are so afraid of being rejected and the deactivation is one of the scariest thing I have ever experienced. And It has taken me months to try to heal from the abrupt discard.

[@Sunshine-zk1st]

Avoidant here. I always feel less authentic than everyone. When someone like me, I’m always sure they like “the mask” and then I automatically detach from them. I’ve made a lot of friends at work, I like these people a lot, but just the thought of going out with them makes me feel overwhelmed

[@paradisepriest1320]

Why do you feel you have to wear "The Mask"?? In fact, please describe what that really means? Write as much as you want because I would love to understand what you are feeling.

[@lgroves336]

fear fear fear - run from FEAR NOT good enough LIFE shouldn't be this complicated.

[@Polyglot8o5]

Never dating a FA again. She called me her addiction, she told me she can’t stand the idea of me being with someone else, that she sees me being with her forever, and nit pick all my personality traits and tell me how perfect I am for her. Then she started to slowly fade away till I was finally ghosted me. I tried to know if she wanted to be with me or not, but all she did was left me on read and ignored my phone calls. 5 months later reaches out telling me she is sorry and regrets what she did. She didn’t want anything and cut everyone off because of her anxiety, stress, university and because she became depressed and is now going to therapy. And she told me I was the most sweetest, intelligent, incredible, interesting guy she ever met. I gave her a second chance and then 2 weeks later she tells me sorry I fell in love with someone and just want to be friends now because I love our chemistry and how well we combine with one another. Then ghosted me again after that.

[@ejag7375]

OMG this is all exactly the girl who dumped me and has stonewalled me when we were fantastic together. All great then one day when I insisted on paying for our groceries for a weekend away apparently threatening her independence. See some of you may say o should have let her pay if she wanted to, sure maybe I could have but I immediately proposed splitting the grocery bill which she rejected saying it was too difficult. Now that for me is a set up to disappoint her. She turned from that point and a week later I was stonewalled to this day. So sad communicating her feelings seems impossible. In what world is paying a bill a reason to break up.

[@paradisepriest1320]

Oh My GOD!!!! 😳 That is insanity!!! Over you paying a bill??? What kind of madness is this monster called Avoidant! These females are nuts! I am in a Facebook group where these folks are trying to make themselves feel normal. This is nowhere near normal. I am so sorry man!

[@velvetfaerie]

In working through my wounds from an avoidant, I've realised I have a lot of traits myself. Thank you for your videos, they've helped a lot! ❤️

[@Kv-pk2st]

I had reached out like you had and told them something very similar to what you had said. They completely denied ever saying anything demeaning and hurtful

[@Britt-b4x]

Before being in a relationship with me, my ex would get into 'situationships' with ppl they knew it would go nowhere long term...ppl with kids (only see them on weekends and didnt want kids) and people who lived in different states and tender hook ups. Now that Im working on myself, I realize the red flag here. I take accountability for my part in the anxious/avoidant dynamic but damn the abrupt break up HURTS.

[@Ken-od7gc]

Mine didn't discard she just slow faded to the point of never seeing each other but for more than an hour maybe twice a month and complete fade out of communication. Threw in a brief thaw of a couple weeks and spent a night with me. Then fade out again. I called shenanigans and walked. It hurts yes but it hurts worse letting someone walk all over you. Remember that the person you fell in love with is not this walking dumpster fire. And unfortunately the dumpster fire is the real them.

[@lorishu48103]

This comment just saved my life I think so validating thank you yes ❤

[@smileyglitter852]

Omg yes this is my DA ex boyfriend..

[@SherriFlemming]

Well said. Dumpster fire.

[@veronicanava6244]

I love the family suggestion to explain them what happened. I am currently going through all of that. There are some family members that I haven’t said anything yet.

[@Taylor_Frenchiebaby]

your videos are hidden gems for real

[@lovetippi]

subscribed, with full admiration on how much understanding/knowledge you have on the topic ❤ from Beijing China

[@springg1402]

My Husband left me in September and he says he wants a Divorce, My heart is broken. I would have NEVER hurt him.He was my Heart.he changed his phone number and has Ghosted me since September. He Blindsided me with all of this. I wish he would come home and just talk to me. He still pays the mortgage, power bill and pays for my grass guy. He also puts money in my bank account every week. I find it all so odd. He even sends care packages for my Dog!!

[@annnee6818]

I'm so sorry. That's so hard. I hope you have friends who are there for you. Focus on hobbies

[@lindsay3793]

As long as you keep accepting his money that means he owns you.

[@mrsherwood2599]

What did you do?

[@springg1402]

@lindsay3793 I'm his Wife...no one owns me

[@springg1402]

@mrsherwood2599 not a thing. Except love him,unconditionally

[@vilmavaitieke7934]

The best explanation ever, thank you so much ❤

[@queenprotein]

Funny you mention that. My sister in law was very upset and was in such confusion and pain (bc we are close) and i shared your last video. Your videos help me further my loving detachment. I love him but i can’t love myself with him in my life. So he must go.

[@robsteries]

In my case she was analyzing me, and saying you're this , your that, remembering every 'wrong' thing I said to her and eventually using these 'arguments' to end it. I could never talk to her because then she would get very mad immediately. She also could get unreasonable mad.

[@BryanFarani]

Nitpicking to justify themselves breaking up with a good person. Mine did the same to me with the most nonsense excuses.

[@boromy21]

I went through the same thing

[@napfinap945]

same you couldnt make it right, they can only heal alone and only if they start realizing whats going on with them :(

[@SherriFlemming]

Projecting their own shit.

[@1300SL]

Yep that's exactly what I have just been through. Remembered small things from months ago. Had a disagreement on the phone & she started texting me messages from previous 4.5 months sporadically over the course of days from when we had previously broke up then listed 7 things that were apparently "High Conflict" behaviors from throughout the time we were back together. I am talking small things that were not even directed at her, or just me giving my opinion on a issue. Said I had made her life Stress, Chaos & Turmoil. She has completely blocked me on everything as far as I am aware & never gave any of my stuff back. Its been really tough the last 3 weeks, I hope to never have to go through something like this again.....

[@garywillett6396]

I was committed to a serious relationship, he insisted on FWB for three years. Best compatibility I ever experienced. Long distance situationship. When I left, he said he never loved me. Was he telling the truth?

[@kyramoan6739]

6 1/2+ years with my ex and i didn't know about attachment styles until after he broke up with me for the ??? Time!! I got the excuse that "maybe he's just not the right person for me" the whole time he made me feel like he just wasnt into me but kept coming back to me?!?! Sooo confusing!!! I asked him once what he loved about me? His response was "i love the way you love me"!?!?!

[@Witterbahx]

"Why was my dismissive avoidant ex okay with (letting me) believe he was cheating when in actuality he was not seeing anyone at the time?" I think that is what the question at 52:07 is asking. My ex, a woman, did the same thing. They would rather avoid giving an answer either way. In my situation my ex would behave like I was right about her cheating, she just didn't care that I was hurt by it. Even though what I was saying wasn't happening at the time. I would call it crazy-making behavior on her part.

[@simrpreet7592]

Evn i m confused....beacuse he abruptly said he has gf.. as i told him i want to be serious wid u .. nd i was like ahhaan...but i think they self sabotaged ..or just felted fishy dont know wht but yeah i also have these trust isuues...due to my attachment which is disorganized...i m a FA ...so,he was ok i guess in making me think that he has a new gf.or it can be possibility he might have gone back to his ex....(which can be possible ) but god knows...

[@simrpreet7592]

The only thing he told me was that he has a gf...when i asked him to hv serious relationship..though back then he nver evr mentioned about any girl out there...😮..which was a sudden shock for me...but DA and FA we self sabotage things ....😢😢hard to deal 😢

[@stephaniethelovely1]

This is just so incredibly accurate with some experiences I've had. I'm shocked just how spot on, down to the exact phrases. 💯

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

Yes!!! I've watched 3 of his videos so far and was dumbstruck by him telling certain phrases the avoidant uses which were EXACTLY THE SAME AS MINE DID!!! Lol, are they ALL the same?

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 They are really almost all the same. its as if they're out of a clone factory with the same consciousness implanted in them. Operating out of the same few principles which manifest at their behaviour

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

The grief question... I can't recall exactly what it said but it made me think of when I (DA) lost someone extremely dear to me and needed to grieve, but it happened to be when i had family staying with me. I basically made them leave because I HAD to be alone to grieve and could not deal with anything else, even when my family was nothing but supportive. It's that inability to rely on others- I only know how to self regulate. So when something very stressful happens, all of my emotional bandwidth is taken up and I simply have nothing left for anyone else, and I can't lean on them either, so I withdraw until I can recover a bit.

[@tomika1313]

Self regulation is great in itself not a problem at all and makes you strong. Dumping problems onto others and looking for solutions from them is unfair anyway. When most of the problems are solved and you reconnect to complete the problem solving together that makes the connection stronger and releases vasopressin which reinforces pair bonding. As an anxious I had to work on it and now much better at self regulation and I see the positives in all parts of life including work.

[@mtbnumber23]

Needing space to grieve is not 'being a DA' it is totally healthy

[@pattyleighty2210]

My ex ask me when we broke up about the relationship that “do you think this is going to last forever?” Is he avoidants? He said that we have a different thought that the reason why we broke up.

[@annewellmann8867]

Thank you for this talk, Ken, and for throwing your hypothesis out there, which I can confirm based on my personal experience with "my" DA and his issues with his mother. Also, I had never hear anyone touching the subject "escapism through children" before - I can relate to that as well! He preferred 1on1 constrellations, too. Being with his son and me at the same time made him uncomfortable, too much social pressure, alleged expectations in the air, overwhelming for him, although his son and I got along well.

[@BreakTheRules2011]

The 'casual sex' thing is not always true. They may go the complete opposite and only have a few sexual partners and only in relationships. Holding off for a long time before having sex, despite having a high sex drive. Once they then go for it, and you, then it will likely be more sex than you can keep up with and some of the best you've had. (More trauma 😂)

[@BirdieHaze2207]

Truth!! I can’t imagine having that type of sex with anyone ever again. 💔

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

so true! I had the best sex and best connection ever with this person. I don't think i will find anything similar. Its just so sad that they actually push genuine love away and a long term healthy relationship with them is never going to be possible. Its just so heartbreaking...

[@BirdieHaze2207]

@@The_whimsical_avoidantcope it is… I keep going back to the bargaining stage of how it could work, but I know it wouldn’t 💔

[@SherriFlemming]

Breaking the cycle is what counts. What you do is what matters! ♥️

[@tommeehan4061]

Your knowledge is amazing! I find this so therapeutic.

[@mayraamato5177]

The immaturity I sensed, but I put it down to him having a youthfulness to him which I liked. I also now recognise that I fell for the fantasy myself, it was too good to be true too soon. I believe in "when you know you know" and he mirrored that I guess. But for me once you KNOW you put the time and curiosity to understand the person and also you want to make it work! You dont run away the minute things get more real. It s the opposite! I also want to give myself praise for having sought help from a therapist and friends instead of drowing in despair and shutting down like I normally would. I think i took all the right steps to help myself navigate this and understand what happened. Self reflect also and also see what that experience brought to the surface - that even though it was so brief and discombobulating, when I was in it I felt fully ready and capable of loving. I realised I am generally pretty secure, able to self reflect and also express my boundaries when I feel disrespected or a line was crossed.

[@PinkSummer1017]

EXCELLENT REVIEW!! It's so painful. Jeez.

[@MA-rc7tq]

Thank you this has been so informative. I am anxious attachment style though there are several things you mentioned for avoidant I have those traits.

[@GodHelpMe369]

I can definitely detect my patience waning in life... I am filled with, and consumed with, rage and grief. I desperately want to die, I can no longer bear the darkness... I AM SO FUCKING exhausted and depressed. 44 years of hell and trauma, that's been my entire life, so far...

[@elizabethwitt2621]

Please go talk to someone that can help. You are worth the investment. You won't feel this way forever. No matter how bad things seem, tomorrow is a new day. It's just time to find a new perspective on things. Sending prayers and positive vibes your way.. 🙏🙏🤗🤗

[@riverbilly64]

I agree with Elizabeth, up above. You are worth the walk away. I hope you are in a situation where you can do it.

[@susanprier9626]

Agree with Elizabeth and Riverbilly. Find someone who will listen....you are worth being listened to....and they really want to do so.

[@GodHelpMe369]

suicidal despair and breathless longing

[@chetbailey1529]

so sorry my dear. You will get through this. Listen to Eckhart Tolle. He really helps. This is a phase of despair that you will overcome. You can't get over it, under it, around it. The only way is to travel DIRECTLY THROUGH the pain. It's hell but you will get better. Love and light xxxxx

[@annnee6818]

I feel you. It sucks. But trying with an avoidant is a painfully useless exercise... they don't change

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Yes a lot of ego, and inside their head "mentality" at play. From the reasoning you are giving it sounds a lot like they do not have empathy for the experience of the other person if they are simply rationalizing it down to "well we can break up tomorrow and I wouldn't care, or it wouldn't affect me" kind of take.

[@vladpierre2694]

Good stuff, keep the details going. Details help. Help us know wee werent crazy. The part about over focusing on kids to hide from true things.

[@valeriejeanius.]

i know, it's okay. I accept who are u, everything is beautiful, there are no wrong ways to be, if i had one wish tho it'd be that'd you'd simply choose to be exactly who u are, always u x

[@artifactvideoproductions]

This is life saving for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos ❤

[@anotherfate1]

I'm watching so much on Avoidant Attachment, and I'm concerned that I have it. Just dumped the love of my life due to alcoholism. But I just freaked out when I found out the details and ended things abruptly. Worked so hard to not freak out about things in relationships, but I did it anyway. 😢

[@a.d.b535]

My relationship with my BF is 2 years and he's an alcoholic. We're likely headed for a breakup (he's been avoiding me and reconnected with his ex GF. recently. I hope you get thru your breakup successfully. I'm working thru it.

[@anotherfate1]

Found it interesting your comments about addicts around min 17-18

[@anotherfate1]

​@@a.d.b535Thanks. It's really hard not to go back. To beg for forgiveness. I hope things work out for you too. Breaking up is so hard, especially in long term relationships.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

Is she an alcoholic?

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

It's very difficult when healing to determine valid reasons vs avoidant rationalizations. It sounds like you have the former, though.

[@jL0cA]

This is brilliant and spot on 👏👏 thank you Ken

[@createa.googleaccount713]

I so very much appreciate your clarification, wisdom & sharing! ❤ I respect these Avoidant types because they are Correct! Recently dating a man, Great connection 101 things in common, no sex yet, & he's up and Ghosted me. Although it had come as a Slap in the face saying to myself "I deserve Better than this", I'm Beyond Grateful this 🐓💩 Ran for the hills, because he has Spared Me of his " Monster 👹 self". If he can't "Hold Court" in elementary basic fun dating after 3 1/2 weeks, then how in the heck could he hold up in Real Life?! I'm Beyond Grateful he's let me know Not to WAIST my Time! Beyond Pathetic! Thank Heavens I've been Spared of this Looser!

[@createa.googleaccount713]

@@mrsherwood2599 yes, I have a disability, that's a very good reason to reject someone with a good heart, because they can't spell.

[@toddrick916]

You dodged a bullet.

[@createa.googleaccount713]

@@SherriFlemming Really Appreciate your input, Super Thanks!

[@Canaday291]

Been dating a dismissive avoidant that has Impotence due to prostate removal. I haven’t heard from him Since our last time together few weeks ago.where he could not perform and I know he was frustrated feeling he let me down. He has pattern of waiting weeks or months after we’ve had a wonderful time together to reach out again.

[@defiantenergy]

At 52:00 I think her Grammer was off. I think she meant why was my ex ok with me thinking he was cheating when he was not. Mine does this with any issues I have, she does not reassure me if my thoughts are wrong. For example if I say It feels like you do not appreciate how I show up for you...she will usually deflect, change the subject, or ask another question instead of providing evidence she does or confirming my thought. Smh it's annoying.

[@feynou]

It could be that when you “explain yourself,” you put yourself in a defensive posture, a one-down position.

[@lynnsmith4929]

Exactly same sitch as you.

[@evaeggen6928]

Surpressing vulnerability, because they feel shame I think, have to be in charge. I guess so, well I have been in both ends, so I can figure them a little out, smothering is a little scary, and change is a little scary too. I think so, perhaps there are no room to be as you are , at least they don't think so..

[@RaymondMarmara]

Walking wounded, you're hilarious.

[@alimaedenious2745]

You are the best person on this topic I’ve ever listened to…..Thank you❤

[@gayleneflower398]

What about avoiding sex… is it too intimate for them? I have seen esp. physical complaints like I just spring hurt my ankle, or I’m having stomach problems, or just “not now”… or only when they initiate… which is almost never. And I had to leave it was so weird. Give me a major blow to my self-esteem… which I know is BS

[@Cindy-g5y]

Oh yes! Sex and the dismissive-avoidant, or lack there of. Mine quit giving me sex around Christmas. He’d tuck those “apples and banana,” so tight between his legs, that I couldn’t find them! He even REFUSED blow jobs! I’ve never had a man refuse a blow job🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂WTF??? He’s now ghosted me for almost two weeks. I dodged a bullet!

[@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel]

they can't do intimate sex. a lot of them are into bdsm, kink, casual sex, one night stands etc as it takes away from the intimacy. it's just sex for feeling something. a lot of them are into porn and masturbation and dressing up tp 'hide' themselves and their bodies. many with npd and bpd are similar.

[@Alieortwo]

Narcs do that.

[@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572]

About the mommy issues: What's funny about the young guy (DA) I've been seeing is that - from the outside- it looks like he and his mom have a great relationship. Ive been wondering what could possibly be that childhood trauma that triggered him to be so avoidant. Then, with the video, it occurred to me. I am only 1 yr younger than his mom. So, it makes sense why he would project into me all of his mommy issues.

[@sassygal4727]

Very insightful. Thank you for this information

[@ChristinaSvensson-n3r]

Could you do more on DA’s in long-term relationship break-up? My ex wanted closeness (to a certain extent) for 1,5 years - after that he exploded every time I tried to talk to him for another 1,5 years, and after living together for 8 months his lies about debt and previous relationships caught up and he shut down. We went to couple’s therapy when he suddenly moved out with one week notice. I’d like to know more about DA’s and these ”cracks in the facade”. It’s been two months since he left and you have no idea how much your videos are helping me.

[@JadeFio-r9c]

Your videos are amazing, I absolutely love the way you break this all down. You mix a firm fairness with a gentle and loving side. ❤

[@DominionMovementDotOrg]

this explains it all practically!

[@dyong5451]

How would you bring it to a DA that he is a DA when he has no idea? Because I feel awful knowing this happened to me and I think he should work on this.

[@rcjacksonbrighton]

Mine chased me for 2 years and practically begged me to be with him. I kept saying no as I thought he was drama and I like a peaceful life. But we started as friends and got closer and closer and I was very patient attentive and forgiving with his strange behaviour at times like randomly walking off when he was feeling like he wasn’t getting enough attention. Or walking out the house when he felt I was ignoring him etc etc. He shuts down a lot when he feels neglected or something. So many other strange behaviours that I treated with love and care to make him feel safe and seen. We eventually got together and then almost out of the blue he says he can’t do a relationship and it’s freaking him out the idea of having someone relying on him and that he needs just complete freedom and space. After so long and after so much time knowing each other inside out I’m pretty mad that when I became available properly he told me he can’t do it. Now he says he just wants to be friends after I opened my heart to him. I’m pretty mad and have no words for him really

[@alimaedenious2745]

You are spot on with the emotional incest from a parent, my ex’s mother controlled his entire life, he’s 57 and she’s 86 and he has to be her emotional support every single day, and he is definitely a FA, and acts like his mom will always be #1

[@robinlipert1477]

She was asking Why was her DA ok with her thinking that he had cheated when he actually had not. Why are they ok with leaving you confused… I’d love the answer too!

[@lynnsmith4929]

Mine never denied or admitted it either. Been a month n/c. I tried but was typically ghosted. Asked for an answer. Nothing. He was extremely jelous and accused me of wanting other men more, his excuse for lack of sexual intamacy. 2 years of total head/heart fukc!

[@phoebesun8907]

I am so grateful that I found your channel. It helped me big time!

[@hansolo4575]

How do you feel about timing?? Let’s say someone with an anxious/secure attachment style starts dating a fearful avoidant who recently got out of a 9 yr relationship 6 months ago… we dated and she said she not ready for a relationship. Thoughts?

[@gayleneflower398]

When they shut down don’t they realize this is not normal…?

[@abbadelcielo8944]

Fantastic ! 💟 This really helps us understand them

[@alimaedenious2745]

My ex avoidant would say you’re so outgoing that it gives me this uncomfortable feeling….But he said anyone else would love it

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Yes exactly, very good video.

[@TheKinsWay]

Thank you. ❤

[@cherylthompson2731]

Iam FA and never leave anyone. I get left ....

[@mtbnumber23]

Ken, you're a full on bloke - had to stop this video and take a break 🙂 Only just found you and this is the 2nd vid of yours I have watched Excellent stuff and 90% spot on/relevant with what I've recently been through with my DA Ex

[@JohannahArrington1908]

Absolutely AMAZING CONTENT!!!❤❤❤❤❤

[@abbadelcielo8944]

00:20:40 Therese Crook?

[@gayleneflower398]

Can you talk about porn addiction? And avoidances?

[@carolinaberta535]

Thank you so very much for this video. It is extremely helpful and articulated and it will surely help me to be gentle with myself after breakup.💔

[@tarkov_6]

I was told i trusted my friends and expected them to be there for me and they didnt want to do the same. DA said making friends was a consequence of having hobbies 🤷‍♂️

[@sushisam3010]

What would be "an abnormal monstrosity" inside them? What does that mean? Can you give examples?

[@dmoore0079]

I can only speak for myself as a former fearful avoidant, but from a very subconscious level, I believed I was a horrible flawed person that others would abandon if they knew who I was. I avoided healthy, supportive women like the plague and only dated women who were broken like me.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@dmoore0079 How did you heal from this? And what initially woke you up to it?

[@Davecastlez]

I was in a relationship with someone for almost two years, at the time I wasn't aware she was avoidant but the signs were there. She would say things such as "I don't think I can be or live with anyone, I need a lot of alone time" "I'm afraid to get married with you because what if I abandon you like my mom did my dad, what if you resent me". Everything was fine then out of nowhere "I'm so confused about everything, im in my head and unsure about life, our relationship etc.". Asks for two weeks of space (which I gave her) then breaks up with me OVER THE PHONE saying "we are not compatible"..its been 8 months and havent heard a peep from here she just disappeared..

[@lorishu48103]

She was afraid so sorry ❤

[@SherriFlemming]

Breaking the cycle is what counts. What matters is what you do! ❤

[@karthikeyansiva3588]

Exactly same scenario happened to me. She constantly used to say she was unsure and she is feeling less worthy and why do you still love me sorts. I never knew about these theories and hence was pacifying her whenever she was low. Only to get hurt by her abruptly. It seemed like a sinister plan as though the person was least bothered and cold. Felt like a fool for being kind then realised i should have walked away instead of empathising with her.

[@SherriFlemming]

@@Davecastlez Rejection is protection. Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record. No contact is empowerment! Everyone has the right to end a relationship.

[@abbadelcielo8944]

00:48:24 Facing Love Addiction by ______?

[@abbadelcielo8944]

Pia Mellody

[@_meta_data_9992]

unresolved mother issues so true... I heard story from guy that his mother did not love him because he was from man she did not love.... he dont know now how to respect and love women and trying to control and use them, and feeling unloved when woman does not like or accept his behavior

[@SherriFlemming]

Well said. It's how they will treat women. Breaking the cycle is what counts! What matters is what you do! ❤

[@SherriFlemming]

It's best to call them out on their behavior. Reverse psychology works too. Beware of lovebombing.

[@ValerieHarristhefoodiemedic]

It’s like you are using my life as an example.