The BPD Bunch: Ep 3 - Unstable Identity

In this Episode, Jess, Xannie, Alex, Georgette, Sophie, and Katja talk about the third of 9 symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder listed in the DSM-5: Identity disturbance, characterized by a markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
The Bunch share their experiences with the symptom to give you insights into the different ways someone with BPD might experience “unstable identity”. They also cover the different ways they manage that symptom, to give you hope and direction for managing it yourself!
Katja’s Disclaimer: Please note that in this episode, the Bunch discuss recreational alcohol and drug use. Katja would like to make it clear that whilst she does not judge other panelists' lifestyle choices, as an educator, she does not personally partake in excessive alcohol consumption nor any form of drug use.
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Want to know more about this week’s cast? Check out their 1-1 interviews here:
Xannie: • Meet the BPD Bunch - X...
Alex: • Meet the BPD Bunch - Alex
Jess: • Meet the BPD Bunch - Jess
Sophie: • Meet the BPD Bunch -So...
Georgette: • Meet the BPD Bunch - G...
Katja: • Meet the BPD Bunch -Katja
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Thank you for being on this journey of healing with us!
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Disclaimer:
Although several of our panelists work in the mental health field, we are all coming to you as people in functional recovery from BPD, and are not here to provide professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Instead, we hope that by sharing our stories and what was helpful for us, you can gain some insight and direction into your own recovery ❤️‍🩹

[@LardoiseGirl1976]

If I watch a TV show enough I will start to take on traits of the main charater on the show.

[@Jessica-ri2ey]

Oh my! I do this too!!!

[@LardoiseGirl1976]

@@Jessica-ri2ey It realy becomes an issue when I bing watch something so I try realy hard not to watch more than two episodes of the same show in a row.

[@pottygok]

I DO THIS WITH ACCENTS! I didn’t realize others did this!

[@lumpyspaceprincesswo]

Me too!!

[@justlivinglife465]

Yeah ….. that 🫤

[@Lozzygoz]

Have you guys heard of Limerence? You have a sort of love affair with the fantasy of identity and see that person never doing anything wrong

[@LovePhoenix96]

I struggled a lot with my BPD and even to this day I struggle with identity because exactly as one of the beautiful ladies said it's so hard letting go of the "dream" identity because then I'd need to stick to 1 identity and that freaks me out 😔 I wanted to start a channel like this because I felt so alone in my difficulties. Thank you to everyone for being open and honest and giving people like us a voice!

[@fjdhaan]

Please also keep in mind that there's nothing inherently wrong with trying out something for a few months or years and then reflecting on it and deciding to do something else -- there's only so much about life that you can plan out beforehand, and the planning phase (which imo is overrated anyway) also has an opportunity cost. :) "Identity" involves a lot of ego stuff that can be its own trap

[@severedheadandthumbs]

Hello! I was unsure how I felt about this symptom until my current best friend/FP rejected me (or, I should say - I perceived a rejection from him starting to date someone). Now I am in the pits of self-identity crisis, realising I had imagined myself through his eyes for years now since my last relationship ended. I found comfort imagining we would end up together, but mostly in the sense I wanted him to want me. Then I would know I was attractive, cool, and a good person. When he laughed at me, I knew I was a funny person. Now I am facing myself and I'm terrified. Thank you for making these episodes, I am new to BPD diagnosis and it really helps me feel less alone x

[@Tclaughable01]

I had a friend in high school. I literally molded into her to the point teachers and students started to ask if we were sisters. Like her handwriting, her style, her character, her movements. Everything i literally become her. But i didnt notice that at the time.

[@Dogwithoutaname]

I also fall in love with ideas of things. I feel like moving again or changing careers, or leaving a relationship will solve my current problem and make me happy. I've been told this is delusional. I will believe that these ideas are an absolute and factual. Being called out by friends or therapists is hard. For me identity is what is happening around me and I camouflage into my background. You like art? Me too. You like video games, same. I don't hate anything-i just don't love anything ethier. Everything is eh with dissociation. I hate it. I also would start/stop using substances based on who im around. Cigarettes smoking and quitting and then going back to it.

[@joannebuckskin8116]

I relate to this sooo sooo much I get seduced by ideals rather than reality and will then start to yearn for the Ideals rather than being content for reality which is where I am doing really well !! I too will smoke with family who are all smokers then not touch cigarette's in my own family and work environment.

[@joannekruba5324]

The outrageous ideas 100%. The amount of college courses I have enrolled on thinking THAT one thing was what I wanted to be. After I had my son I started pursuing a career in Midwifery. I had thoughts when I was as young as 7 around not knowing who I was. I was always so frustrated (still am to this day) with the constant change in how I felt, how i dressed, what sort of music I liked. I now try and pause and think before making a quick change to my hair for example. As Sophie said, it's about taking it right back to your inner child to try and gain a sense of self before outside influences got involved. Thanks for yet another great episode and for making me feel less alone, it is life changing to hear other people saying the things that sometimes you're afraid to say out loud ❤️

[@Matthew-cp2eg]

Just found this group, so looking forwarding to hearing more from others and realizing this isnt something to feel its sole within oneself and all alone. going through so much at the moment and it's scary as just realized once more I lost myself and trying to figure out who I am in current relationship.

[@LardoiseGirl1976]

I curently am struggling with this symptom in a huge way. I have basically killed my old identity/personality and am struggling to build a new one, I question every day between what I dream about and reality, I have even started questioning if I am even alive or am I in so sort of hell for what I have done in the past.

[@PassionateFlower]

BPD The "I am not allowed to Blame Parents Directly because society sucks" disorder. BPD. The "Hi I'm Going To Blame Myself For My Parent's Lack Of Ability To Raise Me Without Abuse And Trauma And Not Call Them Out For It And Feel BurdenedWith The Shame For Failing To Be My NarcissisticParent'sIdealized Parent/Surrogate Spouse" Disorder.

[@queenj5308]

I feel like I’m in a nightmare most days smh 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@Lozzygoz]

I went to India and found my values. Spirituality, Wisdom, Compassion and independence. Body, mind and speech. We are always changing moment to moment. Change is always happening to me it’s harder to keep hobbies for years and years. Philosophical conversation is the most exciting to me.. speech

[@renus6015]

I can so relate to this since I too have identity crisis...don't know who I am, what I want, what career path I want......

[@lilyesalehi]

I love how self-aware you all are. So glad I found this channel. Thank you 🙏❤

[@pottygok]

19:45 Great phrase! “Osmosis!” 20:18 This happens to me ALL THE TIME!

[@patriciatapia1710]

please dont ever stop this podcast, yall are amazing

[@F4narragansett]

The favorite person is our identity. Yas

[@astridhelgesen2652]

Thank you so much for the good descriptions! I think it's hard for people without this issue to actually understand it. I've studied psychology and I've really tried to understand what is, meant. This video was better than any textbook, scientific article or medical professional trying to explain it. This video should really be part of any psychology course where an unstable self is an issue. Thank you so much, you are incredibly brave, in addition being good communicators

[@thebpdbunch]

Thank you so much for your support!! You’re so kind 😍

[@bpdrave]

24:46 EVERYTHING YOU SAID I RELATE TO XANNIE!! You definitely aren’t alone in that!

[@daphne1065]

25:15 - This is exactly why I am always in the 'free trail' period of EVERYTHING in my life. Jobs, relationships, hobbies etc etc. Its lonely but also safe because indeed, WHAT IF there's something wrong with whatever I'd pick. Thank you very much Xannie, very well worded!!!!!

[@lilyesalehi]

Resisting not commenting on everything in this video. Thank you for naming that “picking something” feels like suffocating . I’ve always loved the idea that I could be/do anything! But then somehow never wanted to limited myself to any one choice because that would ‘define my identity’. So interesting how we can want to belong and yet be terrified of belonging all at the same time.

[@lilyesalehi]

ooh yes! comes down to fear of rejection…. it’s much safer to be in a gray zone (a little bit of everything, not quite being defined by anything specific) otherwise we could be judged wrong, silly, be rejected/abandoned/cancelled…. Fear of the opportunity cost! 😅❤

[@ashrichfield7135]

this has made me feel so much less alone, I really appreciate this podcast.

[@annastruzik4015]

Hello from Paris, France. Thank you so much for this episode. I identify with you guys. A blessing and a course ;)

[@jds3656]

Yes I hear you. I treat my husband like a big puppy dog that I want to cuddle to regulate myself and he doesn’t want it always and I am over board with to ticking his toes and treating him like a baby. It makes me feel really good. I think it’s because I have such a caring side towards animals/ babies and I am using him to get that need met instead of with actual animals/ kids. 😮

[@kikithepupper6774]

I was recently diagnosed... and I was told by my therapist that I really lack sense of self.. and I agree. I constantly have conflicting beliefs and I thought maybe that's normal, and I am a social chameleon. I switch my personality and such to fit with the overall vibe of those around me

[@tinkletink1403]

do people in recovery ever reach out to ghosted and discarded ex partners to explain what happened and offer closure?

[@kaylarenay1155]

I’d love to be a part of this. Watching this is making me realize some things in myself as someone with BPD. I am actually in tears but it’s good to get confirmation that we are not alone. You women are amazing. Im sending all of you love and good health. Stay strong BPD warriors. We got this!!!

[@Jessica-ri2ey]

This message warms my heart ❤️. It is incredibly validating to hear people tell stories as if from your own life. You are not alone!

[@jennyblairmcd]

Thanks for this episode. I am curious and confused about the disconnect between clinical practice and the traits you all discuss so eloquently. Why hasn’t this made it into “psychoed” and DBT!?!

[@Ninguemporai1999]

I'm loving this series. Thank you so much ❤

[@Tutume1111]

Wow! Such as good episode! ❤

[@Victoria_Fama]

Omgg I just found this channel I’m so excited !

[@dancingcloud8557]

The identity fusion with another person. I get enmeshed from the start. I also find myself with narcissist, I can see their false self, and I like to collude and upkeep it. I think they also give so much validation.

[@returnoftheromans6726]

Yeah, I have jumped from FP to FP. In my childhood, it was my grandma, certain friends. When my family moved, I was devastated by being separated from my crush. Later, I had a complicated relationship with a co-worker who became a FP but then I got mad at her and she ghosted me in return. Lol. Tumultuous relationships. Edit: 24:32 Yes, yes, yes! How I hate being fit into a box. I don't necessarily know who I am individually, but I most certainly know what I don't want to be. I don't want to be trapped in one idea, one town, one anything. It's suffocating.

[@queenj5308]

Yes I struggle with that with jobs I hate feeling stuck at one job smh even in relationships I’ve had trouble sticking to one it scares me or I get afraid the person will leave me once they see my flaws. I’ve been cheated on in past relationships because I was so insecure. I pushed the person away.

[@Lozzygoz]

Great chat ladies ❤

[@filmfan3697]

I love you guys!

[@NatureisCoolBA]

you guys keep me going

[@j_nxc817]

Omgg i would love to be a part of this!!!! Omg I always needed to see people as well with BPD I always thought I was alone..I’ve been suffering for like 10 years!!!

[@jds3656]

Check out human design. I found out I was a projector and I have a big open aura. So I feel what the other person feels as if it’s mine. This explains why I change to who ever I’m with. 😢

[@misteroz]

For someone with such an amorphous identity, I identify strongly 😂 I’ve obviously come across the FP concept before, but to hear the practicalities articulated in such a way… it’s really helped me to clarify some thoughts in my head.

[@gummo133]

24:00 I do this. I'm always hoping something is going to save me. Then I get into it, and it doesn't, so I start rebelling against it. If it's a relationship or job, I leave. If it's a social group, I start trolling. I've had therapists say it's my fear of failure causing me to destroy things. It doesn't feel that way. I think it's just my inability to deal with having mixed feelings. It's essentially splitting behavior. In any event, that's the theory I just came up with. 😉

[@gummo133]

Also, the BPD store is usually running a buy one, get one on a little covert narcissism.

[@kikithepupper6774]

6:28 Oh GOD this i relate to so hard... i definitely have this

[@alanasbaby7]

Thank you for your honesty and sharing your lived experience. My 15 year old daughter was initially thought to have BPD. She certainly checked all the boxes; however, careful neuropsych testing revealed that she is on the autism spectrum (ASD1) and this is likely the cause of her BPD-like symptoms. Apparently this is fairly common. Wondering if any of you have been diagnosed with autism in addition to BPD?

[@Lozzygoz]

I was born in NZ. When I am with my parents my accent changes back to my NZ accent immediately.

[@GFRAMOS]

I feel so seen ❤

[@jds3656]

Also I feel like I do have my own values and likes when I am on my own but that seems to disappear when I go out into society like I doubt myself and believe another opinion is more right than mine . I think it comes from being dominated at a young age and getting into trouble for things so my true self went into hiding as it feels scary to express myself 😮

[@rebeccalupinacci1883]

Over identify. Yes. That is where I am. I am actually still not fully diagnosed. I have been told either BPD or CPTSD. They are very similar as far as symptoms. I am in treatment and I sometimes have a hard time telling them bad things about me. So I am working on that because that will help figure out exactly which it is. However I feel its BPD only because the Dr is missing a couple key things that are things I do. I am working on it and add a little at a time. I did say I have a hard time telling him the bad so he is aware that there is still more info coming that will help with the diagnosis

[@justlivinglife465]

At one point I was actually considering becoming a .. plumber. If you actually knew me you would know how crazy that is 😂

[@user19374name]

I wanna be on this show!!!!😂

[@kdcounseling]

Such a great channel ❤ this is inspiring me to facilitate BPD groups, it’s so helpful hearing everyone’s stories 🤍

[@phuongphuong1379]

I hate to admit but lack if identity and have fp and blank and whites or friendships r the worst thing ever. It's like having a unstopable traumatic cycles. I hate this. I feel exhausted, and tired. When I realised this, I tried to break the pathway, and Im think I have done, but no. It starts again.

[@k_like_kitty]

The what if about wanting to dream and not commit to one thing like Xannie said that is exactly my experience!! It's like everything you are that is dependent on who you could be is gone if you become any one thing.

[@kps04j]

Isn't there an increased or larger than what would be seen in the general population of people with bpd who have hair dyed extreme colors like pink? Same with constantly changing appearance or hair style. Ive read that elsewhere and it was due to the lack of self identity. I noticed a number of members of the bunch have dyed hair which may anecdotally support that premise. Thoughts or experiences?

[@joannawatson7514]

I centred my identity on my FPs for a long time but now feel I'm starting to gain a sense of self but how do I know for sure and that its not being affected by another person?

[@Jessica-ri2ey]

For me, I started to notice that I was sticking more to my boundaries despite my fp’ desires, and spending more time on hobbies I can do on my own ❤️

[@mariahconklin4150]

I think because of my past I can only go along with the in crowd for a while so if I like a certain band and or musician (Yungblud) and I see that they are self destructive or if I'm with friend's who are wanting me to do what they want me to do (put me in a bad spot) is when I get upset. For instance, my high school sweetheart and I would have drunk parties with our two friend's and he wanted us to hook up me and my best girl friend...this caused more trauma then what I experienced when I was groomed by my female cousin. When I told him I didn't want to drink anymore or do that he literally said that I was the problem (manipulating me). So glad I got out of that relationship and at the time I was a Christian and I guess felt something there like it was God telling me this was what wasn't right for me but then I wanted my best friend to stop drinking...anyways, things got worse and my high school sweet heart cheated one me. He was okay literally to find himself but when I was so lost he treated me awfully to the point where he was hanging out with a friend and wanted me to stay up stairs. This makes me so mad looking back although I have done some bad things me and my mother even sat down with him at one point and told him that the alcohol needed to be locked up sense I had a binge drinking problem back then, he said he would but never did just turned around and disappointed me...and I withheld sex from him. Every time I wanted him to read with me or do the things I liked he refused. He eventually cheated on me and is with the same girl he cheated on me with. I'm just glad it's over with at this point and really want to move on from all these past toxic relationships.

[@mariahconklin4150]

Also, what makes me mad is that I never got to even explain myself and didn't even know I had BPD back then.

[@pottygok]

7:29 My partner, who has autism, calls this BPD masking. I adapt to what others say or believe, especially at work. I’ll be what you are so I “fit in,” to feel safe. 9:22 “I became all the negative things.” YES!!!!!!!!!! That’s what you say I am, so why are you upset that that’s how I’m acting? Don’t you see you’re destroying my life? 😢 That was my divorce 100%

[@NatureisCoolBA]

🙌

[@Lost1nTranslation]

Ohh ya. 99% of the time I consider myself a semi-functioning sack of chemicals 🤷 I don't even feel human when I look in the mirror.

[@PassionateFlower]

Hi I have Borderline Personality Disorder aka the My Parents Are Narcissists That Abusrd Me My Entire Childhood And Take Zero Accountability For The Harm They Knowingly Subjected Me To But Blame Me For Everything And Think They Were The Best Parents Ever Who Birthed An Entitled Spoiled Brat That They Expect To Grow Up And Function As A Financially Stable Well Adjusted Adult That Worships The Ground My Parents Walk On And Repress All My Childhood Traumas And Credit My Parents With All My Successes And Blame Onky Myself For All My Personal And Professional Failures In Life And My Invalidating Therapist Who Is Also A Narcissistic Abusive Parent Sides With My Parents Who Play The Victim And Accuse Me Of "Elder Abuse" Whenever I Try To Call Out My Parents For The Emotional Abusers They Damn Well Know That They Are. Yeah. That about sums it all up.

[@queenj5308]

Wow you summed it up I can relate so much! Smh 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@suzannaleiper5101]

Bam! We need an episode on why each of these people believe they developed BPD?? Narcissistic mom or dad?? BPD neglectful parent??

[@Tom1.7]

Xannie Aka Xanax

[@maxwildcard2403]

I now know I'm in this picture and I don't like it...

[@LardoiseGirl1976]

My wife Shannon and I have basicaly grown into one person over the last few years.

[@Tom1.7]

Mostly female here, rarely see males on your channel, scary!!

[@trafficcontrol2420]

Most men aren't self aware and don't seek therapy to be diagnosed with something like bpd or anything for that matter.

[@salk2555]

great convo and great work, keep it up :)

[@BriaMcCarty]

This podcast is changing my life thank you all so much for your openness, self awareness, & bravery! 🫶🏽