The Child Scapegoat Of A Narcissistic Parent

In this video I discuss the role of the child scapegoat to a narcissistic parent. The scapegoat is a role ‘assigned’ to a child growing up in a dysfunctional family system. The scapegoat is the person that knows something isn’t right and they are blamed for the dysfunction within the family unit, as a result the they are often the target of blaming, gaslighting, manipulation and unequal treatment. With a narcissistic family the scapegoat is blamed for all of the negativity within the family. The narcissist parent can then stand back and point their fingers at the scapegoat saying “It’s all your fault”.
🔵 CHAPTERS
0:00 What is scapegoating within a narcissistic family?
1:59 Why do narcissistic families scapegoat?
4:19 The family scapegoat and trauma
5:22 The family scapegoat abuse test
🔵 EXAMPLE OF BEING THE SCAPEGOAT TO A NARCISSISTIC PARENT
Let look at an example, Tracey father is a narcissist and his needs are the primary focus of the household. Tracey is expected to meet those needs and have no needs of her own. So the focus of the entire household is the needs of her father, not the healthy development of the children. Tracey is expected to submit to the dominant authority of her father no matter how cruel or abusive he is. When something happens in the family, from a cup of tea spilled on the carpet to a meal not being on time, Tracey is blamed for it. As the family scapegoat, she is made to bear the brunt of all the families problems, frustrations, arguments and unhappiness. Rather than look at themselves, the family points a collective finger at Tracey. This allows them to continue their dysfunctional patterns without changing. As the scapegoat Tracey is the one who tells the truth about the obvious problems within the family. She calls out her fathers manipulation, the passivity of her mother and how one sided things are within the family. But rather than listen to her they call her a trouble maker as they are unwilling to admit to their dysfunction. Tracey’s awareness and wisdom are a threat to the family system.
🔵 WHY DO NARCISSISTIC FAMILIES SCAPEGOAT?
In Murray Bowens family systems theory, families are viewed as emotionally interrelated systems. The family, as the system, use the Scapegoat to displace their dysfunction. So in a nutshell they dump their dysfunction onto the scapegoat. The scapegoat is then blamed for family issues when, in actual fact, the whole family has a role to play.Research suggests that parents who are mentally ill or emotionally unstable are more likely to scapegoat their child. According to Professor Gary Gemmill, scapegoating lets a parent believe their family is much healthier than it is. The family believes if it were not for that this one person (i.e the scapegoat) this family would be perfect. So the abusive parent can carefully dictate the family narrative. They often have a story about their child that they are quick to share with anyone who will listen. The story usually goes like this, “He was such a difficult baby, but I did the best I could”, “She has mental health problems and is so difficult to manage” or “He has such a liar and he causes me so much stress”. This narrative is designed to elevate the parent and shame the child.To humiliate the child even more this story is often shared with aunts, uncles and even those outside of the family including work colleagues. So all these people view the scapegoated child through this same cruel and twisted lens.
🔵 WORK WITH LEWIS PSYCHOLOGY
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☐ Lewis Psychology CIC (for face to face therapy): www.lewispsy.o...
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🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS
Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.
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🔵 GRAPHICS AND THUMBNAIL
Thumbnail and B-Roll graphics designed by Teresa Lewis. B-Roll video is used in strict compliance with the appropriate permissions and licenses required from Pexels.com in accordance with the KZbin Partner Program, Community guidelines and KZbin terms of service.
#LewisPsychology

[@LewisPsychology]

Watch my video on self-reparenting for the family scapegoat: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oWqxmJpno66le5Y

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This is my family. I tried to give my mother the tiniest bit of feedback, ie, stop labelling me! so, not even criticism, but just a request for the labels to stop and she martyred up and my father came over to give out to me for ''hurting mum''. I tried to explain and was silenced immediately and given the silent treatment. My mother would NOT discuss what seemed a simple thing to me. My mother talked about me but not to me. My father backed her up 100% and they both blame me for ''breaking their hearts''. All I said was stop calling me paranoid and sensitive. The irony is that it was my dad who went to a psychiatric hospital with paranoia, delusions and depression seems to have emerged from the family narrative without any lasting label. In fact, we NEVER talk about that! My parents blame me for the damage done to the family. It's very sad but I'm done.

[@LewisPsychology]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience Susan. Thank you for sharing this with others. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@bluefan651]

I’m very sorry to hear this happened to you and it sounds like you’ve come out a wise and stronger person.

[@bluecolumbine]

They are projecting!!! My parents do the same my mom projects her mental problems onto me. I’m sorry to hear about it, they both seem quite unreasonable. I hope you are able to distance yourself, they sound pretty toxic.. good luck.

[@barrylyndongurley]

Thanks so much Ms Lewis for your illuminating discussion. At 69 yrs old, I am only now realizing the degree to which my own childhood mirrors your description of a scapegoated child in a narcissistic family structure. I endured punishments that if they were known today, would have resulted in arrest and jail-time. It would not be hyperbolic to say that this abuse has ruined my life. I am so grateful that you and others are educating the public about this quiet scourge, too often hidden behind false decorum and the walls of our homes.

[@Spetsnaz520]

This describes my family. I’m the problem. I hate my family now. Haven’t spoken to a single member of that crap in 5 years.

[@LewisPsychology]

I’m sorry to hear that. Warm wishes, Teresa.

[@elizabethgrant2072]

I'm NC too, it's shitty but I've found peace in walking away

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I'm sitting here nodding to all of these questions.

[@Air_Serpent]

I've always ended up snapping because they never listen to me. Every time, I'm treated like I'm a vindictive, ungrateful person. I've heard the scapegoat for years but I didn't think I was that. The acceptance is painful.

[@LeighA1980]

Yes to every single one of those questions. I suffer from severe hypervidulance and i dont trust anybody. Depression is rife.

[@ladynicky0075]

I just can't say how much I'm grateful to have found your channel! It seems that I belong in every category! I'm past 70 & still believed that I was the black sheep of the family...((until I went through your playlist!)) I don't need to go into details since everything I had to go through are in these videos... Been secretly hating myself for being alive! Mother was Narcistic & father was an alcoholic...💪 Ended up with Osteoporosis.. Fybromyalgia.. Parkinson's... 2 years ago, Scoliosis appeared... I guess that I'm now too old to heal the damage to my body .. but I must admit that my spirit has been uplifted with what I discovered here..👌😌 That's why I truly need to thank you from the bottom of my heart..& I pray our devine Creator to bless you & your team for the Soul healing you bring to us!..😊

[@LewisPsychology]

I’m so sorry to hear what your have been through and are still going through. I’m pleased to hear my videos are helping. Warm wishes, Teresa.

[@antek-vj5ey]

My mother did this to me for 40 years and continues doing it

[@LewisPsychology]

I’m really sorry to hear that. Warm wishes, Teresa.

[@singstreetcar5881]

U need to getbaway from them

[@dancingcloud8557]

I have identified that I was the familys scapegoat since 10 years ago, however even with that knowledge, I still gaslight myself and enter into relationships with people like my parents!

[@Warrior04501]

Mine was spiritually, mentally, and verbally abusive to me. 2 yrs ago, my mom blamed my wife and I over a car accident that wasn’t our fault, and my mother verbally attacked me on the phone right in front of the kids and wife. And after that, I stood up to my mom after she scapegoated me. She also attacked my wife on the phone. She even use Bible verses on me and I stood up to that. And after that, I moved out with my wife before we got married. Plus, if my mom won’t get in contact with me or visit her, she gets one of my siblings or family members to demand that I come see her so she can harass me and guilt trip me. But I talked to my wife that if my family want me to come visit, I would not go without her. It’s like I would never get my space that I wanted because my mom knows no boundaries no matter how much we love each other.

[@gardeniawang]

family scapegoating the children is a pendemic in my country then. It seemed every parent when I was little behaved the way you described. Not only were they uniformly acted such way, they actually took pride in being that way because it showed how civil they were by "not being selfish and overprotective of my own child" "I'm not two faced, I do encourage my child to live up to each and every peer she has, in public or in the privacy of my own home"

[@stefaniascaravelli9104]

I answered yes to all the questions. Thank you for your video.

[@nivea2win]

Very informative 👏 helps us understand root causes of behavioral issues..

[@crlake]

THIS is my family.

[@LewisPsychology]

I'm sorry to hear that. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@crlake]

@@LewisPsychology -- Thank you for explaining it so clearly. I thought it was me, for decades. I live on the otherside of the country... and they still call me with their BS. I'm cutting them off. I'm done. THANK YOU for confirming what I always suspected. ❤

[@kalileokalilei]

Thank you for bringing this subject to light.

[@LewisPsychology]

My pleasure! Best wishes, Teresa.

[@jonathanuniverse9302]

great video! this describes exactly what it was like growing up as the scapegoat in a highly abuse and sick narcissistic family.

[@janefinley-english1051]

Very informative. Thanks.

[@her_ama_ni]

Yes to all questions

[@joendyanabanginixon]

I was a scapegoat for 32 yrs ...and still is...at 50 with very minimal contact....finding theraphy in africa for scapegoats...in africa...most therapists get lost....

[@russellbyrne376]

Great, thank you

[@oonaghmolyneux7760]

8/10 and all my mother.

[@singstreetcar5881]

Thank u so much

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

What do you do, when you see it, you get it, but you still wish it were different? I think about what all the relatives have been told about me (yes, being mentally ill will be high up on the list of likely labels) and I guess there is no point defending yourself. So, the answer is to just ..................... live with this. I feel like there should be something more pro-active I can do!

[@LewisPsychology]

It sounds like there may be some unfinished business so I would recommend psychological therapy. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@LewisPsychology I have had therapy! It was great. I still wish things were different.

[@LewisPsychology]

@@SusanaXpeace2u You may find my video on re-parenting helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oWqxmJpno66le5Y

[@jacquismith3277]

Thanks. This is very helpful.

[@LewisPsychology]

Glad it was helpful! Best wishes, Teresa.

[@DawnH4H]

Story of my life

[@LewisPsychology]

I’m sorry to hear that. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@megshire16]

If I give this test to my family I think they will come out as scapegoats

[@VHoffses]

Thank you for this educational video. A question I have: is it more or less likely for the scapegoat to go on to develop other permanent disorders (such as dissociative disorders) as a response to dysfunctional parenting? I assume that having a narcissistic caregiver is quite difficult and being a scapegoat would likely increase your odds for permanent rewiring of the brain. Thoughts?

[@LewisPsychology]

Thanks for your comment. The scapegoat can go on to develop mental health issues such as borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. Trauma does rewire the brain but remember this is not permanent and you can heal trauma. Have a look at my videos on neuroplasticity. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@supernova2875]

I would be amazed if there is a scapegoat without C-PTSD.

[@nicosaccardo6297]

this is the fu?·"% story of my life

[@LewisPsychology]

I'm sorry to hear that Nico. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@crashdavis4123]

well well well, yet another label that fits I think one of my friends is in a similar position, I'll share the video with her Any practical advice would help

[@LewisPsychology]

You may find my video on self-reparenting helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oWqxmJpno66le5Y

[@crashdavis4123]

@@LewisPsychology heck yes! thank you!

[@michelleroselilley4637]

Where are you based? Do you take private clients on a remote basis?

[@LewisPsychology]

Wolverhampton, United Kingdom. Yes, I offer therapy via my company Lewis Psychology. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@thebookwormproject2549]

Can you recommend books about this topic?

[@LewisPsychology]

Rejected, shamed and blamed by Rebecca Mandeville. Best wishes, Teresa.

[@thebookwormproject2549]

@@LewisPsychology Thank you!! ❤️