The scapegoated child in the narcissistic family: Who?

Let’s take a look at the distinct traits that render a child susceptible to being singled out by a narcissistic parent, bearing the burden of familial blame.
Despite often being the pillar of strength, these individuals are unjustly held accountable for the family's shortcomings. Let’s dive deep into the psychology of the narcissist and learn about the complexities of this toxic dynamic.
Learn more about the experiences of narcissistic abuse survivors and how and why it’s not your fault by checking out my FREE eBook, "Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat"
👉 lp.jreidtherap...
You can also sign up for my webinar, 7 Self-Care Tools for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse, to learn how to prioritize your own needs while protecting yourself from manipulative tactics 👉 lp.jreidtherap...
#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy

[@sharonhearne5014]

I was scapegoated as a child in my family and it turns out that not only my parents behaved toward me in this manner but also my five siblings. It is very hard for a scapegoated child to emerge from the smoke screen of a poor self image when the entire family has bought into this “family story” about the scapegoated child. I am almost 80 years old and for the first time understand the dynamic I faced and have finally overcome. WhooHoo is all I can say, “Eat my dust!”.

[@beans9019]

You are so strong and brave for living a long life and continuing to life your life after abuse like this. I look up to people like you, thank you.

[@lb9171]

♥️

[@lindamaemullins5151]

❤️🥰

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

over 600 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 600 videos happened within the last few months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

@@beans9019 I just want to know how to get out i am trying of having to survive around people who are supposedly supposed to keep me safe.my other comments on this section show daily video evidence.i still have over 10 more videos I have to upload from just Thursday to now.

[@dapsolita]

Just a quick point; sometimes the child doesn’t even have to verbally call the parent out on their toxic behaviours-the parent can somehow “sense” that a child is on to them.

[@NonyaSmith]

I agree. It's what kept my father at a distance and hating me my entire life. I saw through him and the sick bond he and my mom shared over abusing their kids, even when they weren't actively harming us.

[@ariel.1302]

That’s exactly what I’ve said. I didn’t necessarily call my dad out on every stupid/embarrassing/ abusive thing he did, but I didn’t have to. He knew I could see things for what they were, including him and it shook him to his core, which of course made him angry instead of making him think. So his only leverage was physical size and power.... until of course I grew up and we had one last blow up fight and that time I was about 14 and it showed him that I might actually be able to kick his ass now. From then it stopped and he just started cowering like a little bitch in front of me.

[@lindamaemullins5151]

Ikr just not being part of the lie is a threat.

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

over 600 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 600 videos happened within the last few months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.

[@kristinanne6534]

This is so true. I would rarely speak out because that always ended in serious abuse, but she could tell that I saw who she really was.

[@cairosilver2932]

I think a brief form of it narcissists target the strongest child because that strength is the biggest 'threat'.

[@faviolafikir2181]

Chills.. my childhood is starting to make sense

[@NonyaSmith]

Yep. And the narcissists bs facade, whatever they've created to fool those on the outside (for my parents it was long-suffering, religious piety), runs the risk of being broken down and them be exposed for what they really are. This always brought out the rage (ie violence) in my abusers.

[@destinyluv8828]

Absolutely!

[@lyrastar999]

Yep they weak! And just sad, they don't like it when you are happy. They will try to crush sooner or later!

[@annekenney6914]

I also think it's the recognition that this child has empathy which is something that a narcissist can't understand. My mother used to say to me when I cried about something, "you're so sweet," as if it were an insult. She would also ask me to explain why my father would take offense at something she had done, because she didn't understand, having no empathy. After explaining it to her, she would see that I was feeling good about myself understanding these things, she would then say something insulting to me, to make me feel bad.

[@whygohome172]

WHAT BAFFELS ME, is how not ONE single aunt, uncle, grandparent or cousin EVER asked ME to tell MY SIDE OF THE STORY! I don't care if I EVER see any of them again!

[@jenniferfrazier8131]

😢

[@lisabowden402]

Same here. I’m 57 now and still haven’t had 1 person ask me. My Dad had to put up with her and God Rest His Soul , she annihalated him.

[@soniavos8065]

I'm glad I always had a safe to land. I hope I can was that person in my healed self to at least one person. 🙏 😢

[@stanfen1966]

They wrote your story

[@Joelswinger34]

Same here!

[@dshoec]

I was the scapegoat of my single narcissistic mother with 4 other siblings. My brother was the Golden child that could do no wrong and I was the worthless piece of junk that couldn't do anything right. I told my family when I turn 18 I am leaving and they will never see me again and that is exactly what happened. I think that people should be forced to take a psychological evaluation before they are allowed to have kids.

[@lailaqadr2305]

i wanna leave too but dont know how, losing hope atm

[@peaceangel-rl2hf]

Well done. My biggest regret in life is not leaving my family early as I was hoovered my whole life whenever I tried to become strong and create distance. I also didn't understand the full picture of narcissism and didn't see myself as the scapegoat until I was in my mid 40s. But I know now and am fully aware. My contact has been minimal for years but soon will be cut in my 50s, much to their shock and anger

[@terryellis7692]

No one would have kids

[@lilblizzy]

Good for you. I hope you are doing well.

[@pseudonymman9382]

I wish you the best. I was kicked out of the house at 16. We survived !

[@ganasca]

When I was only a child, I was brave enough to say loud to my malignant narcissist father: "I'm only a child. You're hurting me so badly, it's so unfair. Stop it." He beated me so badly after this. He almost destroyed me psychologically, but I am alive, I'm a survivor no matter what. Do you see? Now I'm an adult, you are old, you can't harm me. You did not break me. I was and I am strong.

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

I know ho how that feels as far as the beating.but I never started fighting back till years of abuse once I was 12 and I was living with my mom again for the second time I finally fought back she got so many false diagnoses put on me after finally defending my self it was unreal. After I fought back I got put in a mental hospital she got obsessive defiant disorder put on me and so many others.she got more 12 or more diagnoses put on me.The first one was actually for a check when I moved in with her for the very first time At age 10/11 she got autism asperges put on me.she used the check to pay bills since we also lived in the hood in income base.but first of all you have to be born with autism you don't just pop up with it after moving in with someone else.luckily about 2 years later doctors admitted to her I am obviously not autistic she still brings it up and uses it to scare(well not scare but get them to not believe me)social workers and stuff off.the school even got concerned and asked me why my mom is trying to get me put in special ed when I am obviously not slow.

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

I would say fighting back didn't help me but it let me know I was able to stand up for myself and tired of getting strangled,threatened with guns and so much more.

[@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493]

over 600 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 600 videos happened within the last few months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.

[@stealthwarrior5768]

@@cchivoexpiatoriodos5493 I left home at 16. Got a job and studied at night by correspondence. Best thing I ever did. Just be very careful who you let be your friend as lots of bad folks like to take advantage. Good luck. I did the right thing leaving at 16.

[@authentictothecore]

And one day they finally die and you are free.

[@jembartlett]

One of the ways a dysfunctional family can keep the scapegoat frozen in a kind of no man's land: if the scapegoat tries to join in, they will be made to feel excluded, marginalised, less than the others. Yet if the scapegoat pulls away or sets up a boundary, it won't be seen for what it is, and instead it will be taken as a sign of hostility, cruelty, selfishness, which hurts the rest of the family, who are of course perfect. This can be such a maddening place, creating confusion, guilt, inner doubt, and all that buried anger lodged inside the scapegoat that never had an avenue for expression. I just discovered you Jay, great content!

[@maryannbriscoe5194]

Thank you

[@lilaccilla]

i use to say Im damned if I do and damned if I don't ! i spoke up because I knew the truth

[@lilaccilla]

Envious of the child ! yes , and then the child is punished for being a child who is happy and comfortable in their own skin . Because the parent is not , they are unhappy and insecure in their own skin . So its like the parent is making sure this child does not remind them of how they would love to be , happy and secure . I have seen this happen in other families . The child is fun and cool and loving and free is oppressed in ways and ignored too . Neglected sometimes . But shunned and shamed in ways that are not apparent at first . Jealousy and envy in a parent to a child is hidden in many ways . But that is what is happening.

[@Janis_Even]

@Jeremy Bartlett Your comment perfectly describes the current state in which I am in. Thank God, I have a partner who has many life experiences, and he saw it right away when he entered into our family space. Through him, I have a different perspective. Outside the gaslighting and flying monkeys from the narcissist family circles. You described it so well that it was special for me to read it. ❤ thank you for describing it so clearly.

[@Janis_Even]

​@Lilac Cilla I like your comment, too. ❤ I expierienced it. Yes it is jealousy. As you said. What I learned also it is that those children have a big inner light. And that's what the evil energies noticed. And they wanted to dimm the light and the process of development. Because the evil energies fear that light. It can become dangerous for them. That's why they sense it and want to destroy it.

[@annaturquoise7114]

My mom always became unhappy each time I was happy and screamed at me and now I’m finding out why

[@memelc5655]

I’m sorry. I believe my dil was ignored as a kid and now she’s sad angry and makes her very young daughter her scapegoat/best friend depending on her mood

[@annikaskywalker6545]

Right?!!! My momster would say “after laughing always comes tears” ..she would sneer at us if we were in a state of joy..what the fu*** is wrong with these people?! The best sound to me is a baby with giddy laughter..I love when my kids are happy.. it makes no sense.

[@annaturquoise7114]

Annika Skywalker yeah fr!!!

[@gunsmithcat]

​@annikaskywalker6545 my father told us the exact same thing when my sister and I laughed

[@robinantonio8870]

Whenever I was happy or hopeful or making the best of a bad situation , my mother told me, and only me, not the rest of the family ,how it would all go horribly wrong and be awful. I cried every time and told her over and over it made me wish I was dead, and she told me she" didn't believe she had that much influence over me", and then " how did I think SHE felt knowing she made me miserable".(HAPPY!)Until I gave up even trying. When I finally stopped telling her anything, she complained I was "secretive and never told her anything."... Mske it make sense....FFS!

[@lindabb7064]

There's a special place in hell for such parents and it's right within themselves.

[@mushroommagic1697]

Yeah. But it sucks because those attention s*uts will just project their misery onto others and walk away free in their own eyes.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@mushroommagic1697 totally

[@ladyreepatton6342]

I was the unyielding tough child of a Narc father. I fought back all the way. Thanks for making this clear.

[@Inflamedweasel]

Me2 beautiful lady xx

[@user-jy1bc3gw2q]

That was me too. I remember us screaming in each other's faces with our noses 2 inches apart when I was like 10 years old. I was born breathing fire, I couldn't just lay down and take it.

[@juliesockerson6693]

Thank yu so much

[@NonyaSmith]

@@user-jy1bc3gw2q Same here. Of course I could never get THAT close and call him out because he always had his weapon of choice in hand - his belt. But I fought back, verbally and physically, up to and throughout even being beaten into a corner... when I wasn't hiding behind furniture or barricading myself in my room. My father's hatred and desire to harm me physically came out even when I challenged him in my late 30s, where he lunged at me like he was going to toss me across the room. My mother stopped him, but oh how I wish he'd given me the chance to go toe-to-toe with him now that I'm not 75lbs etc.

[@user-jy1bc3gw2q]

@@NonyaSmith What a piece of shit. I'm sorry you had to endure that. I've finally gone no contact with my dad, best decision ever.

[@julienewkirk2194]

If I told my mom that she made me feel worthless then she would say that no in fact I was the one that made her feel that way.

[@lelev.5758]

Thats how they are. Pathetic.

[@user-jy1bc3gw2q]

😆 It's so childish it's *almost* comical in a very dark sort of way. They really aren't very smart at all

[@julienewkirk2194]

@@user-jy1bc3gw2q you are so right!

[@anna_ulrike]

Oh I can totally relate to that. Big hug ❤

[@alisonpham767]

I wasnt aware of what it was that made my mother ignore me so much or keep telling me its not that bad, or tht didnt happen, or she didnt know or she doesnt remember. I didnt know why she let people abuse me. Its only recent events that gave me gut wrenching panick that she was doing it again to me a few years later. I told my dad, i took time out fromy family. No one believes that my mum is like this because she love bombed me to disguise any ill feelings towards me. She was always everyones hero so everyone is pitted against each other. But its kind of a revelation that she did all this because she feels uncontrollable self worthlessness. Ive always been strong and stood up for myself. I went NC because i didnt deserve it. To be told my feelings are the problem, and its causing family dischord. Not what they did and do to me, its my feelings are too big for me. Im a grown woman. Im saying as I see it. Youre all a bunch of narcissists who are very manipulative and always just so nice. Its a huge relief to let these people go.

[@Kindlycallmecarebear]

I remember getting dressed for prom, I had never dressed like that before in my life. My step father and sexual abuser was taking pictures of me. My mother, and narcissistic abuser was yelling at me “Stop staring at the camera!” Nothing was celebrated. Everything I did was wrong. At 43 I am finally free.

[@Joelswinger34]

My dress was actually chosen for me by my mother. I didn't even really like it. I wore the same one to my senior prom and my parents had no problem with that . They were very well-off but they still complained about the cost, so I certainly didn't want to ask for another.

[@hildahighlander2586]

​@@Joelswinger34I can definitely relate to that. I was invited to Homecoming by a Senior when I was a Freshman. I didn't have many nice clothes, and what I did have, were what I bought myself from babysitting money. My parents refused to buy me a homecoming dress or homecoming anything. The evening of, I was still trying to find something, anything appropriate to wear. My date looked rather dismayed when my date picked me up and I came downstairs in a pair of wrinkly jeans I pulled out of the hamper and a simple button down shirt. I was humiliated and felt out of place the whole evening. Not one person cared about helping me get ready and look nice for my first ever homecoming. For my Junior prom my mom sewed me a dress which I appreciated. For my senior prom I really wanted a really pretty white eyelet 👗 dress from a particular store. I wanted it very badly and offered to go in halves and it wasn't very expensive. My parents refused me again. My dad told me to go in my nightgown because I looked nice in my nightgown. My mom saved the day again by making me another dress from exactly the same pattern I wore the year before. Fortunately, no one seemed to realize, and I was dressed appropriately for the prom. It hurt though that I was always denied to have any kind of special occasion dress that we purchased unless I bought it myself. My younger sisters however had beautiful dresses purchased for them.

[@libs5382]

This video really resonates with me. Being labelled as the SG child is so painful, a lifetime of brainwashing changed the way I saw myself. Now I am healing Thank you so much 😊

[@christinathom5528]

I can totally relate, it's taken he 40 odd yrs 2 work this out. The pain I carried, but CD never fully understand the family continuing this behaviour 2wards me rite in2 my adulthood n beyond. Only just now find in sme healing, by God's grace.

[@petraarday7506]

It’s never too late!❤️

[@sharonjones7138]

YAY for you!!! 😊👍🏽

[@SFVGIRL]

I am happy you are a survivor. You keep it up, sweetie. I try everyday to undo the damage from my narcissistic parents. No one else could understand, but we survivors understand each other. We are amazing. I love you!!

[@libs5382]

@@SFVGIRL Thank you so much. Never give up you deserve all the love and care in the world ❤️❤️❤️

[@samanthashaw7188]

One of those last lines you spoke "The parent made it the child's problem that they were suffering" really speaks to me.

[@nikkibaxter5550]

Well I would tick all those boxes. My mom used to say"I'll knock it out of you" I as a child had no clue what she was trying to knock out of me, as an adult I released it was my spirit, and couldn't control my spirit. My light was shining into her darkness but she rejected the Light for the darkness.

[@transitionsnc]

@Nikki Baxter - I'm so sorry you had this experience. I understand where you're coming from.

[@AnnAndNala]

I've been the scapegoat of a narc "mother" and her only other (favorite) daughter, since I can remember. I remember her/their abuse back to age 3 or 4. As I grew, my endeavor was always to be as perfect, quiet, small, and obedient as possible, but I still continued to be the scapegoat, ...and just by simply me showing up caused them to gang up and bully, taunt and take their abuse out on me. After a half century of horrible and traumatic abuse from both, I've finally cut them out completely when I simply and directly laid down my own firm boundaries. With that, they ran like vampires at sunrise, never to be heard from again! Am still in the healing process from the lifelong abuse, but so relieved and HAPPY they are GONE!!! :)

[@suzanneemerson4206]

I so relate to your story. I'm the blak sheep or escapegoat. My brother is " the chosen one" or " the prodical son" as I call it. I too, have experienced mental and physical abuse. HUGS 2 you.

[@lindamaemullins5151]

Happy you made it❤️

[@kittyoke7059]

WOW Are you me? I don't feel so alone Thank you

[@giannakelly489]

I never understood why my father told me to make good grades, but when I did, he would look at my report card and throw it on the table as if he was mad. I always felt he was jealous.

[@DavidFraser007]

My adopted mother would lie about parent teacher meetings, saying that the teachers said I was lazy and unpopular. Any good written reports, that was just teachers feeling sorry for me.

[@jwhite5396]

Umm. Doubt it, but even if a teacher was so unprofessional to call a student lazy and unpopular to their parent. What teacher is going to say this?? Would a good, loving and kind parent tell their kid that?? A good supportive non-shaming parent would help the child find what does light their fire so they can feel successful, valued and loved. Self esteem, shaming, triangulation, emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse really does need to be taught to school age children so they are prepared to protect themselves.

[@chioma5633]

That is absolutely insane!!

[@moonpleiades99]

That's the thing, they are jealous of us, which is extremely sad and pathetic, but it's why they do what they do.

[@gillianbarker5194]

Thank you for helping me understand my dysfunctional family and making me feel good about how I handled it. I haven't spoken to my family for almost 20 years and I am freer and happier than I have ever been. As I tell my friends, I lost my family but gained my soul.

[@antwaanhemisphere7956]

Sorry to hear that fam but glad ur at peace and happy ✅

[@bonnieforman9700]

I love that, "I lost my family but gained by soul." Beautiful. Same for me. My soul and heart opened up about a year and a half into therapy. It was buried so deep and I had to pretend I was stupid too. Now, I am free and my siblings are all still locked into the narcissistic patterns as 2 of them have turned into abusers.

[@solidstate9451]

So the scapegoat is the source of envy.

[@Layla-fr7mf]

Yes always.

[@solidstate9451]

@@Layla-fr7mf That's why I'm an underperformer. To don't inflict more envy and thus more pain towards me.

[@DavidFraser007]

Yep. And it gets worse as a narc parent gets older.

[@misselle3049]

Being an unmarried scapegoat with chronic illness is a special kind of hell. There’s just no escaping the abuse.

[@Meanie74]

Relatable. My situation is extra complex in that I was produced by two teens one in a narcissistic family with even deeper issues and the other is my narcissist. And I’m chronically ill and mentally ill, which my narc uses as evidence that I am worthless. My grandmother being the enabler makes me really sad bc her biggest flaw is that.

[@BibleBelieverDani]

Same for me. Developed a chronic stress illness from constant scapegoating and I ran to my sibling to get away but found out her husband is a narc and she is an enabler. It feels hopeless trying to get away especially when I can't care for myself. Currently they are trying to convince me I'm unhinged for having any strong emotion about anything. It's disturbing.

[@moonpleiades99]

I feel you. ❤ They did this to us.

[@kimberlychilstrom6888]

Same place ..well .im divorced now..but of course ..i married a alcoholic narcisst ..to continue to abuse me , they groomed me to accept ..(.the unacceptable) ya know.?.i have chronic complex ptsd ..had to drop out of college ,had a progressive emotional breakdown after years /decades of waring down from abuses..than they call me bi-polar ..instead of accepting my real diagnoses ....because they dont want to accept they created my somatic illness or take any accountabilty..still treat me like im underneath them ..the "you know how kimmy is"crap..she keeps (never finishing) any thing she starts .."ive got all great transcripts for grades ..show i wasnt stupid .however i just couldnt continue trying to concentrate and keep returning to chaos drama .and systematic underating of my self confidence...i just dropped out of 3rd and last college attempt and said to myself ..im soo done.! It was devastating not be able to get my degree ..i was sooo close ..i am now stuck on state disabilty ..living with my grown son whome is on autism spectrum .he do work a janitor job....whom they also scapegoated or consider lost child..sadly 😢we are thrown together to BE SURVIVORS OF their crap..they favored and groom my only daughter /grooming.spoiling her like they did my golden child sister to be more like her ..walla ..now ..she treats me much like all the rest...Its puposely planned to set apart and isolate you and so on and so on ....

[@yl5020]

​@@kimberlychilstrom6888🩷🙏🏽

[@maryfowles807]

Thank you for giving some credit to all us scapegoats (and maybe you were one as well in which case hats off to you too), and thank you for seeing the bigger picture. It’s no walk in the park 😩

[@Annalenalovemusic]

Tell me about it😮‍💨it finally understand that we are not week with mental illness..we are tougher then the rest😍it nor a walk in the park thats true..i will rather my mother stab me with a big knife ,then people would belive me,and people would care..but we are not beeing heard thay way we should..educate more in thir important topic.god bless you 🙏❤️

[@matilda4406]

"interestingly, the child in this arrangement possesses much more strength and resilience than the parent"

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I felt quite ''seen'' there when you said that scapegoats don't want to make their issues somebody else's problem. That is true. i don't want to do that. I know I feel a bit of inner conflict, a bit of self-doubt, but I want to resolve it by becoming more grounded in my own sense of my self. Thank you. It was strangely soothing when you said that.

[@susanstevens2143]

Exactly.. a soothing balm here!

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I was parentified, emotionally incested and helped raise my five younger siblings who scapegoated me at age fifty. Once both parents died, in-laws and siblings continued their cruel behavior sometimes covertly. Twelve years later, still watching videos to feel validated, comforted for having to walk away. I realize I've always done things for myself.

[@almam.6880]

Years of introspection and reflection and often I came to the conclusion that I have been mistreated and outcasted not for being "bad" but in fact for having positive qualities, which was a very hard thing to stomach, because in my mind, being hated is naturally connected to "badness" and "good" things can't be hated. I often dismissed such conclusions because I though its narcissistic and self-absorbed to think that I'm hated for having good qualities. Isn't it ironic? Hell on earth indeed.

[@VioletJoy]

You really described me well - naturally confident, lover of life, highly empathetic, laughed a lot, felt comfortable with people, could easily stand up in front of a group, etc. I was the scapegoat and was everything my mom was not. I had no idea until I was nearly 50 years old why I was chosen, and my siblings followed my mom's example. Unsurprisingly, my mom cut ties with me once I started setting healthy boundaries. She still speaks very ill of me to the point where at least 5 people have tried to talk to me about "being nicer to her". 🙄 The good news is that it was very easy for me not to continue that type of toxic behavior when raising my kids. I love them unconditionally. Unfortunately, I married a vulnerable narcissist (I know, shocker. LOL) and didn't take good care of myself until a couple of years ago.

[@bonnieforman9700]

Jay, thank you for mentioning the strength of the scapegoated child because I was always told in many ways, all the time, how useless, worthless, stupid I was by being treated in a condescending, dismissive, contemptuous manner by everyone in the family. But inside, I could sense or feel their fragility, even though they acted like they were the stronger ones. After 43 years of abuse, I walked and didn't look back. It's the only way. If you go back, they will go right back to treating you like shit. (by the way, I'd love to see your dog on camera - love dogs.) Thanks for your work here, it's fantastic.

[@mavmansuri644]

I was going through a lot of sadness today and this video really helped me and brought me back from the darkness . Thank you so much .

[@arleneharvey1677]

Remember you are the strong one and most likely empathetic. Embrace who you are and be strong. Surround yourself with strong supportive friends and family. Make a small part

[@arleneharvey1677]

Keep them at an arm’s length emotionally ❤️

[@dman1401]

Dr. Romani is also very good at explaining this . I was the scapegoat One day I realized they enjoy watching you suffer. I’ve never Looked at them the same way after that. It was easy to break my loyalty after knowing that. When You learn all the information it’s easy to be able to tell what they’re going to do and how they react it’s pretty similar and repetitive.

[@marcharsveld2914]

And chilling.

[@tenningale]

When my covert narc mom manipulatively lied to me that I was going to be "financially ruined" (among other toxic lies) for marrying my fiancee (somebody she never met and knew nothing about) it really hammered home how they take glee in the pain of other people. Or wanting them to experience pain. They take the most mundane situation that you think they'd be happy about and they twist into some set of wild lies that show how pathetic and sadistic they are.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

They enjoy watching you suffer!? Thank you for saying this! I'm just trying to come to terms with my dead mother being the bane of my life! Doing a lot of sobbing,and hopefully healing! It breaks my heart thinking she enjoyed seeing me suffering 😭 I was such a good girl, but was never good enough. Think she may have taught my daughter to treat me that same way. Never realized that was possible.

[@kristinanne6534]

This was the most important video I've ever watched to help me in my recovery. I've come so far and I've let go of so much hurt, but I could never understand why my mom chose me as the scapegoat. Thank you for empowering us and validating us. The irony is that we do have special gifts even though we feel like trash. I wish I would have heard this video twenty years ago when I first escaped my family so I never would have been sucked back in.

[@shewins3775]

This video is excellent. It’s also empowering to hear as a scapegoat knowing that we have more strength and resilience than the narcissist as well as far better qualities. So glad to come across your channel. Subscribed immediately after hearing the content. You are definitely on point as well as very easy on the eyes. Keep up the good work!

[@Layla-fr7mf]

Scapegoats are everything the narcs are not and are also not afraid to seek their OWN truth and think for themselves instead of becoming a carbon copy of the narc to survive like the golden child who does not know who he or she is in life. Scapegoats rebel at a young age because authority has been so harsh and cruel to them from the narcs and this is also used as a tool of abuse by the narc to point out what a bad child they are in life because “they don’t respect authority” as my narc parents would say. Most scapegoats are gifted in some way even according to astrology most scapegoats have placements to be be very successful outside of their homelands (overseas), loved by many strangers and foreign cultures, meet their soul family and twin flames easily (when healed), are very artistic, outspoken, intuitive, enthusiastic/bubbly, independent thinker, reasonable, empathetic, compassionate, psychic and unique in some way. We show the truth about the narc and the narc hates that because they are suppose to be God which is why most narc parents love to say “God will curse you for questioning my authority” or “Scripture says honour your mother and father” without question which is nonsense.

[@rougerogue7497]

Thank you...I'm trapped with my nmom and she gets worse with age everyday gets worse and my brother is the golden child so he doesn't see her as she truly is. I felt invisible until I watched this.

[@diannalamantia1702]

You are good and have great value. I recently stopped being the one to take Mom to every doctor appointment and my siblings slid right into the role. The golden child is bound by duty. If you can find the courage to separate, your brother will cate for mom and you can begin to heal and eventually thrive. Be kind to yourself-you are a beautiful child of a loving God.

[@kristikola777]

I've been watching your videos and want to thank you for addressing this issue that too many so called experts know too little or nothing about. I have had several therapists do the pathological projective identification on me instead of even asking investigative questions, as if empath scapegoats and strong characters simply do not exist. Even years later, I am still angry about this and find such professional negligence and abuses to be criminal. I know therapists rarely accept the spiritual aspects of this type of abuse, but it is evil. Yes evil is very real and it seeks to destroy people with warmth and light in them. Demonic. Some narc families are more evil than others and the murderous jealousy is lifelong and they recruit proxy abusers to stalk and harass, and they do witchcraft (scapegoating in itself is actually a form of witchcraft)... they want the scapegoat dead. I also tend to disagree that they do this because it hurts them too much to face reality, but that they simply hate and FEAR reality and avoid it at all costs.. nothing to do with hurt, they are cold blooded, though they will play the victim often better than a true victim. They are absolute frauds.. not even human. My two cents anyway. Thanks for listening.

[@nikkibaxter5550]

My mom tried to kill me when I was ten, she is now in her 80'a and she still has no empathy, feelings, and is in complete denial of what she has done to her children. And I do also think there is a spiritual element that people can understand, with the Light comes love, with the darkness comes other spirits, dark spirits, that inhabit the bodies of those who chose to ignore their childhood pain, and who are in the dark, their ego/mind on auto pilot, walking round with the dead sucking all the Light that was there for the child soul, to cope with all the abuse, to keep us strong.

[@kittyoke7059]

Thanks for this

[@christar9527]

This is the best comment I’ve read and I agree 💯❗️This is exactly how I see it and how I have experienced it. They do want you DEAD. My mother repeatedly told me to kill my self when I was calling her from a bridge and ready to jump. She encouraged me to do it. She and my father recruited everyone they could find to kill me off. To murder my soul and my body. She developed a huge lie and had a smear campaign against me to make me look like the dangerous one in the family when I was the only family empath, the truth teller who fought against my father when he attacked anyone who he saw as weak, including little animals. I think you’re right about them being fearful creatures. Demons feed off of the emotion of fear the most so they know what they’re doing when it comes to using fear against their enemies...their scapegoat child. I think that some aren’t human and some have allowed demons to enter into them. Anyway, interesting about it being witchcraft. It is.

[@christar9527]

Also I know that that most therapists know nothing about the subject and certainly wouldn’t acknowledge the spiritual aspects of this type of abuse.

[@yl5020]

@kristikola - 100 percent accurate. Every. Single. Word.

[@dnk4559]

This confirms everything I have been sensing. I told my Dad three times in a row last week “I am worthless to you”. I realized that’s what he has always thought of me. He has been projecting his unhappiness onto me my whole life.

[@Joelswinger34]

I never gave up and never allowed anyone to break me, although I came close. I have a good life now despite the pain . My problems may not be my fault, but they are my responsibility to deal with, and I continue to do that.

[@pilis.5681]

Wow. This really explains a lot about why I was so confused for so long. I'm like...hmm that's NOT ME! That little voice has just grown over the years and I finally achieved No Contact last winter. Peaceful and happy now.

[@free2beme773]

My natural way of being, my natural abilities and gifts, posed a risk for me. So, true! I always had to pump up the others in my family or play down my accomplishments so as not to hurt my sibling or see the lack of acknowledgement from my parent. I knew it, but didn’t see it as a “risk” or the reason I feel about myself the way I do or the reason for my choices and behavior. Thanks for giving me that insight. Now I know why I feel worthless so much of the time. I’m trying hard to figure out how to change that. I definitely hate blaming others. I’ve had enough blame assigned to me to cover the world. The scapegoating I have suffered under definitely compromised my quality of life.

[@DevorahTafus]

My narcissist mom used to be a hairdresser, and used to cut my hair for years even after I left home. It was always cut shorter than I wanted it, but she supposedly had to cut it short due to the split ends. Now at 57, I have long hair even though I'm almost too old for it. And guess what? My mom grew her hair out too, and she told me about a compliment she got. Also, I'm an artist and gave my parents framed prints of two paintings years ago. They weren't bad paintings, one of them, two people have tried to buy it off my wall but it wasn't for sale. Guess where those framed prints are? On the floor behind her sofa. She "just hasn't gotten around to putting them up." Now she's wanting to take painting lessons.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

Mom was hairdresser too. Many haircuts where I ended up sobbing and her acting like I was supremely ungrateful! She never took me anywhere to get my hair cut; was 25 when I heard of a hairdressing school at the trade school I was attending! Freedom!!! Never got my hair cut by mom again!!! 🎉

[@lucannon]

I have been abused 19 years ago, this is the first time that I have heard such an accurate explanation. Thank you 🙏

[@maryrichardson6029]

I was the scapegoat. NM beat Me down. I mean BEAT Me down. There was No talking back. Okay once, NM put a stop to that. I went no contact years ago and never looked back. I learned to Love myself. I'm confident in myself. I have my own, home, money, and a pretty good life. NM died. Total relief

[@Infinitelightwizardry]

I’m going through this right now, I told my father “ boundary’s are necessary for healthy relationships and I’d like for you to honor them” 😮 the backlash from the entire family, I chose to move through this with 💛

[@imapandaperson]

Setting those boundaries is so brave, and I wish you all the healing and peace and joy ❤

[@Infinitelightwizardry]

@Leigh Ann WaltersLeigh, kudos to you! Been building some real acceptance with this, realizing just how powerful I am When I do things for myself!

[@backyardfunwithsimone9213]

When I asked my golden child narc sister to communicate in a respectful manner with me (in an email) I received no answer at all, like she fell off the face of the earth...it's unbelievable to me how she can just blow me off like that, like I am not worth her time to answer me...How did I miss recognizing her true self all these years??? (I guess it's when you are used to being treated poorly and they know they can get away with it...) Watching Jay's videos has been such an eye opener for me. Thank you so much, Jay, for offering these videos along with compassion and kindness! (Btw your dog is adorable :)

[@bluestarseed76]

I am a survivor and pledged not to pass this onto my own children. The abuse stops at me. I know why my mum picked me as the scapegoat, I’m so compassionate, empathetic, funny, smart. All the characteristics she does not have. I forgive her.

[@idontknow-lc8bz]

After being scapegoated I lived with so much guilt that I actually ended up going to jail by being falsely accused for a crime as an adult. My parents treated me like a criminal and a drug addict my whole life and told me that was all I would ever be.

[@Simplyohkay]

I’m so sorry about that

[@fancynancylucille]

So sad! People do not see their own contributions to the problem and they don't understand compensation. A long time ago I listened to a coworker tell about how awful her sister was, who always got in trouble and now was pregnant. She was waxing superior, so condemnatory toward her sibling and puffing herself up for being a "good" daughter. I told her that I strongly suspected that she had something to do with her sister's difficulties, although I did not really understand this dynamic at the time. Once, a long time ago, my sister said, "We all (seven) grew up in the same house, and we're not f---ed up. Why are you so f---ed up?" As if it was all on me. I remember feeling enraged and confused, but did not know why.

[@idontknow-lc8bz]

@@fancynancylucille yup.. it's very difficult to explain to people because most people truly don't understand the dynamic

[@reneemorgan3144]

Thank you for bringing this to light Jay. I look forward to seeing the rest of your videos on this topic. I too was the scapegoat of my family for over 5 decades. I went no contact 4 years ago. It has been painful and liberating at the same time. I am healing and learning more about me now. The understanding I have has allowed me to forgive my parent and move on. Again thank you for this video. 💜

[@mattechrome]

I've been studying narcissism for a couple years now (as a layman), after discovering that's what I've been abused by. In everything I've seen thus far, your description fits me/my situation perfectly. Thank you.

[@stephanieruthlessly7499]

Your kind words are bringing me to tears.

[@sunshineeveryday9873]

That is sad what the parent would do to their own child. I think I may have been that child, but not the only one

[@antwaanhemisphere7956]

Agree fam cant believe soo many other people have gone thru these situations ✅

[@firetopman]

The last conversation with my mother was when I told her that I was afraid of her when I was a child. She didn't like that very much. It was the nail in the coffin. Then, on her deathbed, my sister told me that "mom forgives you." GRRRRRR! Now I laugh at it.

[@kristinroberts651]

Tremendously helpful! My mother did this to me. Worthless is exactly how I have felt going through life life. It’s only taken me 49 years to identify it’s not my truth but is my mother’s, still to this day and that I can experience a different sense of self through courage and compassion. Thank you JReid for these wonderful videos!

[@Crystalw5523]

Thank you so much for this. I remember when I was younger I use to feel so happy and confident. I even remember my teachers telling me things like how skilled I was at writing. It just seems people always saw something I didn’t see in myself. I’ve come to realize how much my confidence has gone down as I’ve grown up but now I know it’s because of my family. They have always been very dismissive of me and made me feel like I was wrong, too emotional, self absorbed or some way just bad. When you said the things about the justice, working on yourself and not wanting to affect others it really resonated with me. I’ve always cared so much for people and it feels as if that spark I use to have wasn’t inside me anymore. I’m working on going no contact with my family to heal and find myself again. This just reaffirms that so thank you!

[@CorinneIsIn]

OMG I could so relate with your statement Crystal.

[@amelian9677]

I hope you’ve made a lot of progress Crystal!!! I wish you a great life

[@girlsrnotwimps]

I hope you know the impact you’re having. You explained something I could never fully figure out. And, wow, you are so right about who I am! After being lied about by my family my whole life, that is a flipping glorious feeling! Thank you! P.S. My narcissistic father, while he was dying of lung cancer, told me he was terrified of me from the time I started talking. Why? He said he knew I was smarter than he, thus tried to keep me down. HE told me this. It was beyond stunning.

[@yl5020]

Wow

[@memelc5655]

My granddaughter is naturally emphatic but is now starting to act out towards her younger siblings

[@abstractedaway]

Reminding a narcissistic parent of a hated ex they had a child by is a pretty sure-fire way to be a scapegoat.

[@tinkwinkles]

Thank you for this video. My mother used to go on and on about my good qualities. Outright told me she was jealous of them. She was good at putting on a facade of how she was supposed to act. But behind closed doors it was abuse both physical, verbal and mental. When I was very little and cooperative things were easy for me but the day I stood up to her was the day I no longer had a mother. It has been no contact for 11 years. I thought the horror was behind me but now she has convinced my daughter to stop speaking to me. She will never stop. I did my best to raise my daughter with total love but somehow she seems a lot like my mother. Getting it from both directions!

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

Yes, wondered if mom influenced daughter early? Even though I hated my mom, wanted daughter to have a grandma; may have been a really bad decision! Daughter started treating me badly at 7/8 and is now 28. She knows I love her, but we don't have a relationship. 😭

[@babytiger123]

This video makes me feel self compassion. And I hope it's the same for you all. It was not our fault.

[@coachmark82]

Comprehending the utter evil of a narcissist/psychopath parent is the first step to healing, the first of many painful realizations. That good and courageous personality is a source of ‘supply’ that fuels this evil. Is no-contact the only respite? There is no conscience, no empathy, this is not an entity that has rules. That’s difficult to comprehend. I think you are incorrect to praise and encourage the good personality; this is a no-win struggle that must be walked away from. The sooner the better. The narcissist/psychopath is only intent on the destruction of good. That’s a hard truth.

[@diannalamantia1702]

No contact is the only absolute respite, and a survival method for those of us who cannot or choose not to go no contact. Another tool for seeing other loved ones when the narc is around is to go “gray rock.” That means talking only about the weather, sports and never personal information. It is very frustrating to the narc, and can be you’re salvation!

[@robinnolan8006]

Truth. The gift of goodbye.

[@coachmark82]

@@robinnolan8006 thank you for the reply, hope you are safe and well...it's heartbreaking isn't it...

[@robinnolan8006]

@@coachmark82 god gives us beauty for ashes.

[@suzannebunbury2961]

This was a glorious video! Thank you so very much. I was scapegoated. Dad, malignant narcissist, mother covert narc. It’s been the challenge of my life to survive and be a valuable person who “adds value”. I’ve been learning about this for years. Believe it or not - two years the personal revelation came to me at 63 years old (It wasn’t ME!) It was a huge diabolical con job! I suffered and grieved for so many years. Now I’m taking a more forensic approach. When I watched this video I literally gasped a couple of times. I felt like God was giving great affirmation, comfort and encouragement from your teaching. Thanks from Suzanne in Santa Rosa

[@thescapegoatclub]

Scapegoats rock!

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

Thank you so much for offering this to this world!

[@sachi2518]

I love this video. I was definitely the most defiant/outspoken as a child, and sadly I eventually had to squash that part of me to survive (I was sent away for throwing “tantrums,” i.e. being goaded into total emotional meltdowns by the narcissistic parent). So I grew up thinking I was the weakest, most compliant, most timid, etc. I’m seeing myself clearer now. I would add #4 a high level of empathy for others as another quality that makes a scapegoat ideal. I have worked so hard to break the cycle with my own child. Wishing lots of healing to everyone in these comments.

[@jane_7193]

No doubt the most beautiful and loving moments in my life I have experienced with my pets. At present, my dog is getting old and my priority is to fill with love every moment in our life together. Happens naturally.

[@aarongerig9223]

I was born and raised by 2 narc parents, father overt and mother covert. I have 4 siblings. I am the 4th born of 5 kids. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. So I’ve really gotten to have the FULL narcissistic parenting experience. I was a very well behaved kid my whole life so I was always switched from being either the “invisible child” or “scapegoat”. And my parents each had different golden child/scapegoats, depending on the year or situation. But consistently my oldest brother and younger sister were always my moms golden children. The rest of us basically took turns being scapegoated. My dad scapegoated all of us most of the time but would occasionally pick a golden child temporarily. But I definitely spent most of my childhood as scapegoat until I became a teenager and started accomplishing a lot. Then I was invisible child. Anything and everything I ever accomplished from then on was met with rage, jealousy, or minimizing.

[@jackiemcging1943]

I am 58 years old (Mum is 80). My Mother & 3 sisters have stonewalled me & given me 'the silent treatment' for over 7 months. I have just had the very first Christmas (and birthday) on my own with no connection to anyone (and no cards or presents). I'm a bit fearful of the future but so grateful for the clarity you have provided. 🙏🕊♥️

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Wow, I'm 50 and my brother is 49 and our parents who had us v young are early 70s. I dread to think that this could still be going on in 8 years but sure why wouldn't it!? why would it stop! My children are teenagers and I'm a single parent so it's difficult to get out there and build my own ''tribe'' but I really want to. The future has more in it to frighten you if you don't hold on to your own ground. Sending you virtual good wishes for the future.

[@julienewkirk2194]

I also am no contact with my mother & 3 sisters. One of them is my twin. They are all terrible to me. My mom sends cards/texts to my kids to tell them she misses them. I’ve been no contact for 2 years. I can say that it does get better. These people don’t want anything good for you. I thought one of my sisters would come around, but she hasn’t. She sends cards and texts just like my mother. They are really good at giving me the silent treatment as well! I throw away the cards and the texts never get answered! That’s the best thing you can do is to not give them any attention!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@julienewkirk2194 I feel like this too. When my family give me the silent treatment I feel like I'm going to keep it up LONGER, I'm going to make them give up. It hasn't worked so far mind you. I think that that is just the level of intimacy they want with me, hardly every being in contact, or if we are in contact, long breaks. My psychotherapist said that by responding to their silent treatment with silence I'm buying in to their punitive measure. That did make me think. She said that I could reject their silent treatment 'term's by casually whatsapping them sporadically on my own terms. I see the intellectual rationale there, that matching their silence with more of my own just perpetuates the dynamic! But it feels hard, like messaging them makes me feel like such a doormat. I am trying to figure out what level of contact would give *me* the most peace.

[@julienewkirk2194]

@@SusanaXpeace2u I am no contact with my family. When I was in contact they would only contact me when it was convenient for them. When they were upset with me was when they gave me the silent treatment obviously. But, what I realized is that they want me to respond. Either way, that’s what they want. Whether I do it on my own or because I’m mad that they gave me the silent treatment to conform to what they want me to do. I’m not really silencing them. I’m moving on and living my life without their abuse. What they say in a card or text to my kids doesn’t mean anything and not responding is ok. They only send the cards when something important is going on. Otherwise, they don’t care at all. That’s how they’ve always been. Responding or not, they aren’t going to change. I just don’t want to be a part of the abuse, so I choose to give no response to anything because I’m living a life without them in it. I hope that was helpful in any way and understandable!!

[@jackiemcging1943]

@@SusanaXpeace2u I disagree with your therapist. I believe that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. Go no contact, it's the only way you will be able to live life on your terms. The texts can be easily remedied by blocking numbers & cards can be binned 😁 Say hello to the real YOU. Not the you, they think you are. You are kind, compassionate and have empathy, it is they who are lacking 🙏🕊♥️

[@greta9558]

I teared up a bit listening to you Jay.I identified with all of those wonderful qualities that you speak of , unfortunately, I turned to substances in my teens to ease the pain and fortunatelyt got into recovery in my twenties and its been a wonderful journey of relclaiming and discovering my strengths. I identified myself as the "scapegoat" in my family . Recently I was at a family wedding and a sibling and I we were able to laugh about our crazy childhood. My sibling acknowledge all of the extraordinary abuse I had endured of omission and commission by my father I turned to her and the words just dropped out of my mouth " You know what sis, I am so damn strong !!!!! --- I amaze myself. She nodded as said . Yes you are.

[@Christine-cf2bz]

I survived! Against ALL odds... I survived. Despite prenatal trauma, neglect and rejection from mother's repeated abortion attempts... Despite years of relentless severe emotional and physical abuse... Despite suffering repeated massive financial losses as she milked my money bone dry... I am still here. And best of all - I am FINALLY FREE and confident that I WILL recover all... and go on to THRIVE in every way and in everything.

[@TiaEphesians429]

I fought back too, I was such a perfectionist from all the criticism I faced growing up that when I got angry I felt like I was out of line, and that I couldn't control my emotions and didn't know why? I criticized myself. Now I know those feelings were valid and very right. it's weird growing up confused thinking your crazy and not understanding what's going on in your world. like you know your family loves you but you don't feel it. i thought it was something wrong with me. as an adult thru my self healing I prayed to God and I said do they love m? he says no. I said do they hate me he said no. I said they just don't care about me? he said yes. and he told me to love them. he told me to push thru it. he said it was going to hurt, that I would cry, get angry, be pushed down but to keep crawling forward. and in the process I have learned a self worth I have never known before. I have more confidence than I have ever experienced in my life. I am growing as a person. and my family? it feels like it gets better then something comes out of left field and knocks me down, it hurts, it is toxic, it is unfair. but I was warned. but also God is blessing me for my obedience. I am flourishing in my soul in a way that I have never felt in my life. I'm 33 y/o. and I am just now learning how to distance myself emotionally from their behavior, I'm learning to set strong boundaries (which are very offensive somehow 😂) and I'm learning to love myself, which feels like a crime but I'm a rebel 💖

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

The nitpicking and verbal assaults were so relentless that I tried to kill myself several times as a teenager. Being scapegoated is no joke.

[@jenni4claire]

I hope you're OK now.

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

@@jenni4claire Thank you, Jenni. I am in therapy and doing better. The work is never done, though.

[@gachamisty3827]

I am 13 now, my older brother is the golden child and I am the scapegoat child in my narcissistic family. I really related to this video, and now I realize why I always felt like I always was the problem child who did everything wrong while my older brother was the good child who could do no wrong. Thank you for this video.

[@barbiekat6352]

Many times both parents are narcissists BUT you will only find one of those parents on channels such as this. Very sad…

[@annastone5624]

I have just discovered your channel. Wow this is so beautiful!!! Thank-you from the bottom of my heart for describing so perfectly what was happening in this dynamic. I have done a lot of work, but this video has put me right back standing right beside that 6 year old child and that powerful antagonistic force that was my mother, who railed against me day after day after day and did everything in her power to kill my joy and break my spirit.

[@kristienvanlaar5637]

thank you for explaining this so well, now i understand why my both narc parents starts targetting and breaking me down with their own bad characteristics since i was a todler. They couldn't stand me because of all my good qualities and talents which they didn't have. Terrible stupid cruel parents who have mistreated and bullied me my whole life !!!

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Highly validating and clear description of the scapegoat ritual by the covert narcissist.

[@libertycan6959]

Its strange but I think I discovered it can be both sides of the family. You can literally be the scapegoat of your mom and those grandparents and your dad and those parents. Talk about an impossible situation for a child either adolescent or adult.

[@jessmci2742]

As a 35 yr old survivor; stay strong , you will get out !!! ❤✌🇨🇦

[@cynthiajohnson9412]

But if it is our best qualities that cause the worse abuse, how do we as adults get over the desire to hide all those things, the best in us, that brought down so much grief on our heads?

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

A dilemma I, too, gace.

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

A dilemma I also face (correction of typo -- gace-- in above post.

[@LegitoArt]

Took me more than 30 years to realize that my parents were narcissists and mostly my father is a passive-aggressive narcissist who with his little actions wanted me to be like him (loser) As some people stated here, it's the strength that bothers them, because they do not have it. When you are better than someone, especially family, they sabotage you because it's very painful to realize the truth to actually change. It's a very serious subject and many peoples have their lives destroyed by their own families suffering their abuse for having too much sensibility and talent Being an empath makes things even harder because you attract more psychopaths to hijack your pure energy These NPCs are the agents of the matrix.

[@GoldwolfThePyrate]

09:02 - 10:05 . I do need to add another comment here, stating that you have NO IDEA just how much your words mean to me. I am truly touched knowing that there are ACTUALLY people out there that understand just HOW STRONG we are, where we've always been told we are not but weak! From the bottom of my heart: Thank you!

[@susangrande8142]

My mother was my great abuser, and I was her scapegoat. She made me feel like there was something intrinsically wrong with me by the time I was 3 years old. She always told me she was the strong one, and ridiculed me for being so emotional. “I’ll give you something to cry about, s**thead!” Was something I often heard her say. Yes, I’m an emotional person, and an empath. There was always a core of myself that she couldn’t touch, even with all her abuse and browbeating me. We are the strong ones.

[@beans9019]

I am laughing at some of the narcissists in the comments thinking they’re fooling us 😂 great video! It was Explained this very well!

[@julietterogers8181]

You are the 1st one who hit the nail on the head. You've brought me to tears.

[@bumblebee803]

My FOO dimmed my light so much they destroyed my life for decades. Now I'm slowly healing. I say, I let myself stay in dysfunction for too long, I'll get myself out.

[@nataliefleming5929]

This is so profound. In large families, it may be a dominant older sibling who chooses the scapegoat. I often look at the story of Joseph of Egypt. It was the older jealous siblings who scapegoated Joseph. Joseph's tenacity carried him to rise up no matter what, after being sold as a slave and even sent to prison. Ultimately Joseph was healthier and lived a better life as a slave and even in prison than within his family.

[@misiasert1348]

Narcissists seem to have been frozen in their id Infantalised they look around for empaths, as a child would ,an adult. What we see are adults, what they see when they look at nay sayers, are authoritative parent mode,which is why they behave in varying degrees like school yard bullies.. petty minded,dysfunctional veering towards sociopathic, & even psychos

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

Thank you! It's funny how I didn't recognize things I've known my entire life as "abuse." I think in my family, all it took was to be the oldest child. My family seems to have had a long line of the oldest child having to take responsibility for everything that went wrong, and receiving the most responsibility, the harshest punishments, but the least in return. My paternal grandmother had to bathe in her younger brothers' dirty bathwater, took beatings, and seemed to accept that as her lot in life. I can understand making allowances for the youngest, based on their ability, but am referring to over-the-top sacrifices that are expected from the older kids. In adulthood, my mother told me, "You were never innocent," (while at the same time admitting that I was the honest one), but insists that the (extremely entitled), youngest was innocent when she lied, manipulated, bullied, and treated her older siblings like the dirt under her feet. If I pointed out to our mother that she was being unfair, her stock answer was "Life's not fair!" My mother really did have a traumatic childhood, with no reliable adults or consistent role models to count on. Her own mother died when she was a toddler. I'm sure she had C-PTSD of her own to cope with. It makes me not want to blame her, while recognizing what was wrong, and why i felt as i did.

[@Bornintoclusterb]

Having been raised by narcissistic parents this video is spot on. Brought back all these memories of me as a child somehow knowing I was stronger than my own damn parents but not knowing why. I just knew something was wrong with them though didn’t know what it was. This explains why I’ve found myself the scapegoat in many life situations, at work especially. Thanks for all that you’re doing glad I found your channel.

[@lenoreduncan1009]

I stood up for myself one time and it resulted in physical abuse, I dont associate with my family anymore

[@universaltruth2025]

Its so hard to ever emerge or recover from being the scapegoated child. There seems no possibility of the rest of the family acknowledging or recognising the unfairness of how they treated the child, every action the child takes to protect themselves is then used as more ammunition against them as they are further gaslit and told they had character flaws. If they go no contact they lose other family connections & support both emotional & financial. If they stay in the family system they are forever looked down on as the less worthy person in the family which destroys a person’s sense of self worth the longer it continues. So hard if impossible? to find any solution that feels like justice has been restored.

[@antjestr1047]

its so so so so sick and heartbreaking

[@CBrown86]

They cared about my siblings. They wanted to help them do well and be comfortable and have nice things. They didn’t want that for me and took away what little I had.

[@Paspaspas12]

You're doing God's work, my friend. Thank you.

[@denisel780]

I am so glad I found your channel. Every video is like another light going on, and is explaining things on a much deeper level compared to so many other videos out there. As a healing scapegoat, I am learning so much and am so grateful! Things are finally starting to make sense.

[@Mrs.Milkins23]

My momster calls me weak and has compared me to easy prey. I’ve been told this by a few narcissists. It’s almost like my presence invokes a predatory reaction in those with a bully trait.

[@trishellis1908]

Wow! What a great explanation Jay. This is highly supportive information. Thank you so much. You explain these principles beautifully. I feel validated for the extreme challenges I’ve gone through with my narcissistic mother.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This completely happened to me. My Dad went to a psychiatric hospital at one point. He was depressed and had paranoia. My whole life, I've been labelled paranoid by them!! For literally no reason! If anything I have been far too trusting because I never felt I had the right to a boundary. Whenever I went to my parents for any kind of support they called me paranoid and took the side (in a devil's advocate style) of the person who'd hurt me. I'm joining up so many dots in the last five years. My parents were very young when they had me and I forgive them for their poor parenting but I would love if they could see that they projected their low self-esteem issues on to me. They are very united in their narrative still. It feels abusive to me, the strength of their united narrative. Their blind spot is two against one. Actually three against one as my brother sees it all through their lens. I'm trying to hold on to my version of what happened and trying not to react emotionally.

[@NonyaSmith]

I'm right there with you. My siblings, of FIVE, deny there was any abuse and quietly sanction and condone the idea that it's all in my mind, like my parents say, and that I (as a child of 14 and younger) created all the problems in our household growing up. Meanwhile, one sibling is now a raging alcoholic, one is an overt, mean-spirited, envious and highly materialistic narc, one's a covert, stepford wife of a narc with chronic low self esteem... who's been in therapy for 25+yrs, another has the emotional availability and warmth of a 2×4 and has ZERO contact with all but one other sibling (the overt narc), and the saddest of them all is a sibling with bipolar ll disorder and paranoid schizophrenia, but otherwise a pretty good person. And me? I've suffered from years of abusive relationships and now C-PTSD. My parents can only say "You're right, we weren't PERFECT!!!", sigh. But what is really mind numbingly infuriating is the denial that is still used to erase me and my experiences by my first-hand witness siblings, who they themselves had it pretty bad.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@NonyaSmith And it's so hard that there's no solution to any of it. They won't suddenly get it. They'll cling on tight to their denial. My only plan such as it is, is to go very very low contact. I'm not going to announce that I'm going no contact as they'd feel the victims of that. So I'll just fade away from them.

[@NonyaSmith]

@@SusanaXpeace2u You totally get it. I think your non announcement is a good call.

[@gracebooarrey6224]

It all makes sense and am age 26 and my mother 70. She was emotionally unavailable while I was growing up and relatives raised me. Now as an adult and I've got my own kids she felt a big threat and started treating my kids and I as if we never existed. So I cut my whole family off. As a child she sent me to far away places like boarding school to get rid of me because I was the only one who went to boarding school but my sibling never did and when I came to the UK it got worse, my mother never had any communication with us her children and we lived in the house and grew apart from one another. The was no communication, love or anything. As an adult when I walked away and cut my family off my narc mother called me the prodigal daughter just because I left and that's when I saw her true colours and blocked her and kept her out of my life and my kids life. She failed as a mother and a grandmother.

[@Itzyhani]

Thank you for this. Outside of my older sister (the truth teller) I have never felt completely seen and heard. Hearing you say the positive things that made be the scapegoat really reminds me that I am not the problem but the narcissist is. I asked God for clarity and he showed me. I am ready to start over. It’s never too late. For the first time I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be, I’m becoming who I was meant to be!

[@ThatEggWoman]

I had the toughness and I put up with this until my early 20s, when I got diagnosed with c-ptsd. I became suicidal and very ill. I realised 7 years later, after going NC with the narcissistic parent, that that was exactly what she wanted. She wanted me to be "the mentally ill one" and her the "carer", to "prove" that I am the worthless one and she is the altruist who is selflessly caring for her sick daughter. So she made that happen. She began taking me to see psychiatrists from the age of 9. They kept telling her that there was nothing wrong with me, and when we left the appointments and got back in the car, she would get angry with me and tell me that I needed to "show them what's wrong with me". I was doing incredibly well at school and sports, but I quickly realised that it was becoming unsafe for me to be healthy, so I had to fake mental illness and stop doing so well. I think that's what ultimately pushed me over the edge into actual mental illness.

[@hharuka9804]

In my memory as I was beaten and kicked repeatedly in the floor for whatever I had no recollection about, or for my childlike honesty, what grew in me was this deep sense of injustice. Injustice that coarse me to say sorry for the things I didn't do. For who I was. I am deeply moved by what you put on this clip. My inner child was vindicated.

[@Stephanie-xh9zy]

I'm a survivor of abuse. My mother is mid seventies and still abusive. They can't change. They know exactly what to do. I'm 54. I'll never have contact with my so called family. What I've learned about no contact is, you have to let go of every family member, friend, children. It's not easy!

[@heavyjoechipman3594]

As a life long, scapegoated, blacksheep, I gotta say thank you Doctor Jay for making these awesome videos. Seeing and hearing Brizo in the video gives you an unmatched authenticity. God bless you, her, and your family Doctor Jay. Thanks for increasing my hope and resolve today. Wishing you blessings from Texas. ☺👍