The ‘COLD MOTHER Syndrome’🥶

Рет қаралды 3,147

10 ай бұрын

Being raised by a unaffectionate, dismissive, emotionally unavailable mother is not helpful to a child’s development. Let’s explore the impact of the ‘Cold Mother’ Syndrome in today’s video. I’m a Licensed Therapist and answer your questions on ‘Ask A Shrink’.

Пікірлер: 60

@toddoneil7230 10 ай бұрын

Emotional incest or “being loved too much” also has a coldness to it because the “love” is inappropriate.

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

Yes indeed...

@kimvannote5024 10 ай бұрын

It's not love for the child - it's about the parent getting their needs met by using the child

@snowy4282 10 ай бұрын

@@kimvannote5024Exactly. The child is a tool to harm others with, and a reservoir for all of “mom’s” mental garbage that she doesn’t see any need to clean up for herself. That would require admitting to herself that she isn’t perfect. So much easier to simply unload all her misery into the defenseless little trash can she has made of her child. She may tell herself that she loves her “mini me”, but it is Not an act of love to obliterate the soul, the fundamental essence, of another human being. Meanwhile, the siblings are trying to process WHY only one of them ever gets a shred of approval, affection, financial resources, exemption from chores, etc. “Mom” KNOWS it is hurtful and confusing for them, and relishes that. The whole family is so gaslit that many never figure out, even as adults, how twisted it all was. They just accept that they are angry as 400 Hells because, “oh well, it just runs in the family”. For those of us who are not in denial, it is possible to overcome the damage and build some happiness in our lives. In my sixties now, and not a defenseless little child anymore. My goal is to keep growing a little every day until the end of my life. Be Yourself ! It is the most fundamental human right.

@katjordan3594 19 күн бұрын

Yup. I was enmeshed with my mother, but I didn’t at any point feel loved by her - I felt like a much-needed resource.

@Jerseyboondocks 10 ай бұрын

You just described mother. I feel like I am messed up in so many ways and I didn't realize why until I was around 40 years old. It all started fitting together like a puzzle pieces.I started remembering all the things that she did that I would never do to my own kids. I remember having long beautiful hair when I was around 6 years old and one day she took me to the hairdresser- without telling me that she was having them cut it all off. My hair was in a ponytail and they cut the ponytail off. And then it was short up to my shoulders. I cried and asked why this happened and she said she was tired of hearing me whine when she brushed my hair. Never helped me with homework, even though she was a teacher and had a college degree for it. hitting me with belts when I was age 8 and below... She still tried to hit me with belt after that, but I would run away. Me attempting an overdose of aspirin at 13 years old, and she told my family I'm crazy. She withheld medical intervention, because they said I needed to be put on antidepressants and she wouldn't let me...she refused the prescription and I suffered until 18 years old until I could get help with that. Never gave me any advice or guidance to do with school, boys, or any problems. I never remember hearing her say I love you when I was growing up, The only time I would see that is if she wrote it in a Christmas card or birthday card, it would say love mom and that's it. She would never say it out loud and maybe she gave me a hug once a year if I was lucky. Her coldness and lack of emotional availability extends even till now till this day. I am suffering with going into kidney failure and she doesn't seem very empathetic about it at all. She has never even once offered to go with me to any of the doctor appointments which I have many. She caused me to have even more pain, by stealing my inheritance that was meant to be for me by my father when he died. Then lying about it to the whole family that I'm making up of what really happened. What really happened is she never took my dad to get the wheel probated but lied that she did and they were in the process of it. He was too sick to drive then . She showed me a supposed copy of the will that was supposed to be probated by the lawyer that was drawn up -and now I know for a fact that she printed it up on her computer and it was not in any process of being done ,she stopped it because she didn't want me to get anything. Getting them all to think that I'm crazy and a terrible daughter instead of telling them the truth of what she did. Her German shepherd dog attacked me in 2020 and I ended up in the hospital ....and when she picked me up from the hospital she didn't get out of the car. She was in a bad mood and mad because they made her move the car multiple times in the hospital parking lot. Then never gave me a hug and said she's sorry that this happened to me or anything. I need to take your advice and go to therapy but I age 46. I feel like it's too late. I feel like I'm so messed up that it would take years for me to get better and by then my golden years will be passed and it would have ruined a large part of my life. But I'll still try. The biggest thing that bothers me, is I feel she'll never be held accountable for this. She has never once sincerely apologized to me about it and when I have told her these things-that what she does that hurts, I remember crying tears terrible in front of her and she remained cold as ice. She just sat there with a rigid hard look on her face while I cried tears. She told me that I act like an entitled victim. And the most recent thing that's been happening that showed how cold she is, I've been suffering with really bad teeth but my health insurance would only cover basic things and I needed thousands of dollars of dental work. I have been going around with rotting and missing teeth, for almost 4 years now. I asked her please- to use some of the money from the house that was supposed to be left to me and my kids, from my dad, because he had three homes when he passed away. She received a big check for that( $170,00) because she sold it and knows that she wasn't supposed to I said mom, It's an emergency. I'm in terrible pain and have an infections all the time and I need oral surgery. She said she couldn't do it, but yet she bought a $5,000 deck that she hardly uses, She went on vacations with her friends and bought rifles that she also doesn't use. She's always buying things and has a shopping addiction . So she bought things she didn't need, but wouldn't help her daughter with an emergency with the money that she used from my inheritance. I wouldn't have asked for help from her, but because I knew that money was meant for me anyway, is the only reason I asked. The pain from that alone mentally was so bad ,that it was causing me to vape almost constantly from the stress. I'm sorry I don't want to trigger anyone, but these type of mothers do exist and everyone around me( family)acts like "oh that's your mother, You still have to love her" and "she didn't mean it,she loves You" And "You only get one mother" ECT... I was vindicated by my father shortly before he passed away. He admitted to me that he knew why I had mental problems and when I asked why, He looked away very mad ...with the look of almost hatred and had two words, he said "Your Mother" But he never had said that before in all the years and he never could stand up to her, because she would launch awful emotional attacks on even him. I witnessed her treat my father coldly as well. She even told me I was babying him too much, when he was in his final months with stage 4 cancer. I remember him not being able to eat in his last months and she would eat with gusto right in front of him and say things like "this is really good" or she was so emotionally on a tune that she also put on cooking shows in front of him when he was laying down in bed most of the time. So I'm not the only victim ,my poor father suffered as well from her emotional coldness. I would even say cruelty. And even worse, I really do suspect now that she only married him because of his money. She also took forever to get my father's gravestone put on and it was almost 2 years until my poor dad had a gravestone on his grave site. It just wasn't that important to her I guess and when the gravestone finally was put on, it was a cheap one. After all he did for her, She didn't even want to spend the money for him to have a decent grave site. I totally agree with him when he says if you suffer from any of this you need to get therapy. And you need to get it from a trauma-based therapist. Someone who deals with childhood trauma and the like. I wish I could have done the advice that I'm giving, but I'm really hoping I can do it soon. I did hear countless stories of recovery and hope but you need to get therapy. And it's not like it'll go away what was done to you. But you will find ways to cope with it and understand it better and that will give you relief. And another big part of this is acceptance of what happened, Or grieving the mother that you wanted ,that she never was. It might have to involve no contact or at the very least gray rock. Right now it's not possible for me to go. No contact but I have tried the gray rock and it works sometimes but other times it doesn't. And whenever she's around me I feel very uncomfortable and I don't want her anywhere near me like I physically get a weird feeling if she's too close to me. Never had that feeling with anybody else. Sorry for my rant

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

Thanks much for sharing your story…

@gravy3907 5 ай бұрын

thankyou for sharing this i have some similar experiances with my dad being treated like shit by mother among other stuff

@tina8796 Ай бұрын

My "mother" always told lies on me. Never supported me. Would threaten me in front of people. Stole from me. Tried to turn people against me. Make fun of me in front of people and too many other things to list here. She wonders why I don't visit her as an adult. LOL. I was an innocent child who never got into any trouble whatsoever and yet she tried to destroy me for what reason I don't know. When I hear her name all I can think of is pure e v il

@user-te6iu3oe7e 7 ай бұрын

Cold mother? Mine was a deep freezer.

@petrakolenakova2 5 ай бұрын

Haha, mine too!!!

@ireneirene5476 6 ай бұрын

- mom, can I call you? - what for?

@BradShore 6 ай бұрын

Wow...

@user-vs3ik8my9s 5 ай бұрын

Mom- " no news, is good news. "

@gessrinky9129 Ай бұрын

My mom never did and still doesn’t want to be around us. When I was in preschool I ran toward my mother for a hug and she moved out of the way, I ran through a plate glass window…

@tina8796 Ай бұрын

Same here. Our mother never wanted us, was never interested in us. She wonders why I never visit as an adult. Unbelievable. Pure ev il

@rubycubez1103 10 ай бұрын

This may sound odd to some ppl but I feel if I was conventionally attractive, my mother would love or show more interest in me growing up and even now. I was a theatre kid. I remember being obsessed with modelling, singing and acting from 5 years old. It was so natural to me to want those things...but I notice my mothers subtle disgust...like how dare I look like that and want to be looked at on stage. But she consistently pointed out how my sister could be a model at random times. My sister had no interest in those things. The shame that would wash over me, I still feel. She made a point to focus on how "smart" I was instead. Smart because of how obedient and willing to help I was. My inner child is still on stage though lol

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

Great comment regarding conditional love…

@es8117 10 ай бұрын

My Mother was often like this. She wasn't interested but at the same time she didn't want to not know in case she would have been questioned about something.

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

WOW…knowing just enough information about something IN CASE she was questioned…

@es8117 10 ай бұрын

@@BradShore I know. As an adult as I can only surmise that she needed to look like the good parent, not actually be one. Its a shame she wanted more validation from strangers than her own family.

@annavillalpando4872 8 ай бұрын

Yes this is how I grew up and I’ve had such a hard time in life because of it 😓 but I also had a spiritual awakening from all the pain & that’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me 🙌🏼

@daniellaalouf 10 ай бұрын

When confronted my mother at the age of 24 about her mishaps with me as a child, she got so one sidedly frustrated she eventually randomly shouted “I COMMAND YOU TO SILENCE!”. The woman Gandalfed out lol.

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

It gives evidence to the level of dysfunction that you had to live with throughout your childhood….I must say I chuckled regarding her comment!

@ngozimelissa2474 6 ай бұрын

Lol my mum threatened to call the police on me and report me for “harassment”

@ChrisB-tp9pq Ай бұрын

Currently blocked mines so I can grow apart and past her . Mine said I need to get over the fact I wanted hugs and care like I do for my kids now

@starflower666 10 ай бұрын

i think i had both a cold and enmeshed mother !!!

@marymorenomariposa 10 ай бұрын

SAME

@ultimate4416 10 ай бұрын

Same for me

@la6136 Ай бұрын

Same. Imo this is the worst combination because these mothers are so evil and they refuse to leave you alone at the same time. It’s like having a parasite attached to you.

@ejpla3591 10 ай бұрын

Mom once told me l was fussy at around 3 MONTHS old and that she would discipline me and then l would quiet down. I dont know all the details, but when Mom said this, l could tell she was proud of herself. I should have tried asking for details, but l was probably in my 20s at the time, and questions just didn't often occur to me. Now, in my 60s, l have revisted in the past few years so many things she said and did and am HORRIFIED. I wish l had understood earlier and l wish l had been able to confront her, not because she could/would/might change but because l want her to know l know her dirty secrets.

@michasosnowski5918 10 ай бұрын

Your clarity helps me to sort things out with my relationship with my mother. I can relate alot. And the thing you said almost at the end. That she can talk with other kids in the neighbourhood. No one understanded me when I told them about my mother. Everyone have seen her as normal, healthy, even martyr women. But when it came to my problems, she would avoid me or laugh at them. I didnt even process that at that time. I think I was drinking over it unconsciously. Also related to my father. Now I remember that I was kind of like a puppy in childhood. To laugh at, not take seriously. So its no suprise that she treated my teenage problems the same way.

@amandad6782 7 ай бұрын

I've read some of these mothers are really good with babies and small chilldren sometimes but as the child ages things change. I remember we moved into a bigger house and my parents came obsessed over fixing up this new house and I was regularly ignored. I sometimes wanted to engage in things like basketball or other things and my parents said no. I started to rebel and a teenager. I was often told everything I liked was stupid or just a phase and I would grow out of it. They would often say I was a great child but now was a different person and they were not happy with who I was now. I would often stay with my friends families and other people as a teenager cause being at home was very uncomfortable and painful. Then as an adult we finally mended some things and stuff seemed to improve. I noticed since my Grandmother died my mother never says she loves me and stopped inviting me to holidays. She didn't even tell me when she moved and I was even told a cousin she doesn't even barely talk to is in her will and not me. I called her one Thanksgiving when I was going through a rough time after the pandemic, I had lost my job and was in hard times. I called to say happy Thanksgiving even though she never had called me and I she went off on me about a job I was dealing with that was terrible. I was dealing with a lot of physical pain and barely any hours. She went off on me in the coldest way. She said some things I will never forget that was uncalled for and extremely painful. I hung up the phone on her. I confronted her about the treatment I received and she said I was too sensitive. It's been a few years now and i have not heard an I love you or I miss you at the holidays. She sends a package early for the holiday with gift cards. I mean that was nice but sometimes i just want a mother. She hadn't even answered the phone when I called. She never tries to call me. I haven't seen her in years and she doesn't seem to care. It's been extremely painful of another holiday of coldness. She has even said we don't need a relationship before and many times has suggested not having one. I guess that's what she wants so I'm not even trying to interact much with her at all. Still, it hurts. I finally got a better job and the last holiday I saw her I told her and she was very negative saying well that will be hard for you too and stressful, no words of encouragement. I've had this job a few years now and barely any comment. You think she would be happy. She has a high-profile job, I kind of wonder because I don't give her much praise anymore if that has to do with it. Its weird to me she has such a high-profile job giving people empathy all day, she works with domestic violence victims, but can't show an ounce of love or understanding to her daughter. She's fine with me feeling like doo doo. It's really hurt my confidence in so many ways and I am staying away so I can gain self-confidence I never had and feels like I was never allowed.

@smoozerish 10 ай бұрын

My mother never wanted me and acted accordingly throughout my childhood. Like many youtube therapists, you are good at describing the problem but very short on the healing strategies part besides saying go see a therapist. It should be an even split in your videos otherwise it's just listening to something that's depressing and a downer without giving hope for those of us who have suffered.

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

Excellent thought, but unfortunately for deep emotional wounds there’s rarely any ‘quick-type’ “solutions” available….however there is much hope in the therapeutic process, which is what is recommended at the end of the video. This answer may be disappointing but hope it helps a bit🌞

@user-te6iu3oe7e 7 ай бұрын

You cannot change your past. Full stop. You can change your future and your the only person who can do it. Listening is great to off load but lifetime triggers are something you must learn to deal with in the right way, i sadly take it out on myself contantly. Still cannot get to grips with it but i keep trying and thats the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself. My mother was horrible growing up and all through her life i could never bond or feel relaxed in her company until she got cancer for the second time and the time on the clock was imminent. I showed her care and kindness because at least i know i did not act like her in a time a bit of love and care is essential. I did not want her thinking i did not love her because i did but i did not like much she did..to us all..got to let it go or it just kills me inside. Never got told she loved me but in her own way through all the trauma she wenr through as a child i spotted the things she did that showed she cared and thats the things i hold on to now when i think of her.

@curtistinemiller4646 10 ай бұрын

I BELIEVE this can also be called Emotinally Unavailable Mother, I have tried therapy with my Mother,She said really hateful things and laughed at my pain, When you really Want to know Why is she so UNAVAILABLE ,I was told ,YOU are my first BORN and i love you, .MOTHERS ,that DO this just are so damaged Mentally ,that SHE CANT GIVE YOU WHAT SHE DOES NOT POSSESS..🙏🙏for her healing .

@BradShore 10 ай бұрын

The deep awareness you have about your feelings and being raised in this manner will help you in the healing process…

@Hannah-eq5ff 10 ай бұрын

That's so true!

@curtistinemiller4646 10 ай бұрын

@@Hannah-eq5ff Thanks..

@priamason5184 10 ай бұрын

My mother was like that too in a way it’s like that sometimes when ever it comes to things I want emotionally she only cares about my physical needs food shelter and a home to live in she’s very strict and religious as well I can’t stand to ask her for help I can’t get away with anything I want I wish to have a therapist but I have to go through her when I tried she to with my physical doctor then after that when I got home after a few days I got into my bed she told me you’re not depressed you’re just lazy so yeah I can relate to this too

@jonellis6235 5 ай бұрын

The screaming for no reason wreaked me as a child & young man. I didn’t understand. At 61 it’s becoming more clear why I had issues.

@LBenn302 8 ай бұрын

Interesting this video popped up out of nowhere for me I’m not sure why it did. I experienced this as a child and I lashed out. Did drugs, skipped school, got in legal trouble, took the frustration out in verbal arguments with girlfriends, you name it. I was a total mess. I already knew she was a cold mother and was confident with this “diagnosis” of her because I had researched it years ago, but it’s just odd this popped up lol. I have since grown up and learned from my mistakes and learned to forgive her. We have a decent relationship now, but it’s still hard to heal and use it in current relationships due to the impacting trauma it left me. I find it particularly strange in my taste in women now and I almost always am looking for a “nurturing” woman. I at least know what I want out of a healthy partner which is good I suppose lol. Nice video

@tina8796 Ай бұрын

The cold, hard facts are that most people are not cut out to be parents for a variety of reasons but it's a drive people have and by dam n they're going to have them come he ll or high water. My childhood was awful but I'm not going into detail. It would take years to explain it. No se x u al abuse but just a neglectful nightmare on many levels by both my "parents". The burning question is this: why have them if you don't want them. I'm 60 years old; I never wanted any so I didn't have any. End of story. My neighbor told me one time the reason she wanted to have a baby was to see what it felt like to have one. Honest to God. I was absolutely floored. Her daughter was in foster care for a while and before she moved out with her boyfriend her mother told her she was the reason she couldn't get a husband. There are a lot of men tall y ill people wandering around causing havoc everywhere they go.

@racloud355 7 ай бұрын

Brad you are so good at what you do. I would love to share your knowledge with others. Please continue to help others. 🙏👍

@petrakolenakova2 5 ай бұрын

I remember that crazy woman " my mother" saying BREAK A LEG when i was going to a hospital to give birth ...or please promisse me you wont speak baby language to that child - the only think she ever said about my daughter...i could write a book about how awful , self obsessed , unemotional and angry she was !!! So glad i stoped this circus with her and have nothing to do with her no more

@kfespirituu 7 ай бұрын

You’ve earned a new subscriber! I love the quality information on here :)

@leannespencley4443 29 күн бұрын

That's my mom.

@Austin-ff3nt 7 ай бұрын

Lol had an emotionally cold mother who told me constantly "of course I love you" as a way to shut me up. Yet any time I wanted or needed attention that was as far as it went. If I needed a hug, or to be told I should believe in myself I was just told of course I'm able to do it, I'm just being silly for thinking I can't handle the weight of the situation in the first place. Then I would be told I should just believe in myself and "try harder"

@mahdamahda8750 9 ай бұрын

Pls give some advice on what should we do now with our communication, emotional problems? I think I am growing and becoming like her in my relationships and I don’t want it, actually I hate this situation. But what should I do after getting aware of the causes?

@LBenn302 8 ай бұрын

Therapy is probably the first step