The dark side of OCD: POCD | An interview.. with myself

Hi guys,
I know this video is quite a weird format, but I really wanted to tell my story and I hope it helps someone out there either to understand OCD better or to know that they are not alone.
As I mentioned in the video here are some types/themes of OCD that I have experienced:
Sexual orientation OCD
Religious OCD/scrupulosity
Body focused OCD
Just right OCD
Existential OCD
Contamination OCD
Need to know OCD
Obsessive fixation on a person
POCD (topic of this video)
Peripheral vision OCD
Schizophrenia OCD (fear of seeing things that are not there)
Let me know if you would like me to make a video talking about any of these topics.
Check out his channel if you want to learn more about different types of ocd:
/ @ocdandanxiety
My other channel: / @alinamaria
Instagram: @alinamcirstescu
Mental health insta @neurodivergentmemequeen
Tiktok: @adhdbaddiewithafatty
If you want to support my channel you can donate to me personally at:
paypal.me/alinamc11
Cashapp: $alinacirstescu
See you in my next video
❤️

[@michaelking1218]

When you said the ‘you love kids part’ I just burst out crying because Kids are my whole world and I just can’t see them in a normal sense anymore and it makes me so unhappy, especially being alone in my own thoughts

[@audhdbaddie]

I’m so sorry, honestly it’s possible to recover though. I know it may not feel like it but after ERP therapy pocd is barely there for me, and even if I have a bad day where it flares up I don’t have the guilt anymore and I can let go so much easier. I hope you can heal from it too, because no one deserves to go through this!

[@michaelking1218]

@Lxstrqy do u have Reddit

[@michaelking1218]

@Lxstrqy What is your Reddit

[@Jamangel]

@black fang what...

[@hairynipps2599]

@black fang I understand what ur saying and it littelry sounds like ur describing ocd

[@annabellelubouski9438]

My POCD has put me in crisis multiple times over the past two months. I seriously considered taking my life today. This is the worst theme I’ve ever had.

[@jarencoleman3617]

You're not alone.

[@audhdbaddie]

POCD is so debilitating I am sorry to hear that. Please don’t lose hope, just know that it is possible to recover from it and have a happy life❤️

[@sam-inte]

You aren't alone, tried to take my life in May, and then broke under the idea of being a pedophile in June once again and I didn't want to believe the doctors when they told me it was OCD. Still processing the fact that I may not be a pedophile, and this makes me angry, sad, and hopeful all at once. It's absolutely honestly the worse and you don't deserve to feel like you aren't worthy of living. You will make it through and you deserve happiness and kindness and a good life. 💙

[@sheajohnson7037]

@@sam-inte how are you doing? any good methods of coping? 💞

[@Enoxificatti]

@@sheajohnson7037 Shadow work can help a lot, even thought it's not backed up by science, it's more spiritual than anything. Another great option would be Mindfulness meditation.

[@omegasiarnaq]

I've been dealing with this for almost 9 months, and it fluctuates in terms of anxiety. Can range to feeling very uncomfortable to having panic attacks. I've always loved and cared about children, but these repulsive sickening thoughts make me terrified to even look at a child at all. Thanks for this video, knowing others understand this pain brings me hope.

[@audhdbaddie]

Hi, thanks for sharing, this obsession is so so hard to deal with I understand you completely. Yes there definitely is hope and I wish you the best! It’s possible to recover and have a great quality of life!

[@francescogozzano5281]

@@audhdbaddie thank you very much for this video! I really needed it. I also suffer from OCD since I was 8 years old, I have had many types of OCD (fear of getting disease, fear of sexualizing religious figures, fear of wanting to have sex with family members, fear of being gay, and finally, fear of being a pedophile) but this type of ocd is certainly the ugliest and most painful of all. I have had this disorder for about 8 months and for days I did not want to leave the house for fear of meeting children, I had compulsions that occupied me all day, they made me nervous and depressed, I forced myself to imagine horrible scenarios just to be sure to try disgust and not ambiguous feelings. I thought I was the only one with this disorder, I have thought about suicide several times, and I am only 20 years old ... but thank God I discovered this "community" and I already feel much better! thanks again for your video! we hope to get well soon ... :) p.s. I'm italian, sorry for my english!

[@ImranAhmed-sn1sz]

Recognise that you are the OBSERVER and that thoughts are just thoughts.

[@Jamangel]

this!!! i hope this goes away cause it sucks

[@Jamangel]

@@francescogozzano5281 thought i was the only one but we will get better!!!

[@JustinRM20]

It’s good to know there are other young adults struggling with this, especially seeing comments by women - this because I used to think it only affected me and no woman could ever love me anymore after learning the truth about my OCD. Thank you for making this video, it’s a horrible disorder and sadly seems to affect lots of genuinely warm and intelligent people.

[@fry5544]

I think no man will love me because of my POCD. Same fear but the genders reversed. The last man I tried to date said “It’s who you are, and God forgives you anyway, and I don’t mind.” First of all: This IS NOT who I am. These are ego-dystonic thoughts, meaning thoughts I DON’T WANT TO HAVE. I have battled against these thoughts with mental swords and guns, trying to get back to my true identity which respects the rights of all children. Second of all, my parents’ toxic abusive religion/Islam obsessing over all sexuality is what caused it in the first place, so stop with the religion. A man I dated years ago and talked to again recently left our relationship at thinking I was a real pedophile. It’s enough to want to jump off a bridge. Five years of psychiatrists, psychologists, and counsellors assuring me I have an OCD diagnosis, not real pedophilia. I love kids so much too. It’s heartbreaking someone who gets along with kids can have these horrifying thoughts. It was after I was babysitting too that I had these thoughts. You are not alone. We are good people who want to respect children. Be kind to yourselves, fellow survivors of the worst mental health disorder on Earth.

[@RosfieldCont]

@@fry5544 "It’s enough to want to jump off a bridge." Sorry, but I know how you feel. Today was a bad day for me. I have smashed my head against the wall multiple times. Honestly, still can't believe what I'm dealing with. The minimum groinal I get put me in bad mood. The me from 1 year ago would never believe where I'm at now. "Be kind to yourselves, fellow survivors of the worst mental health disorder on Earth." I think I need to be, but I'm not, if my pee goes up for 0,1 centimeter (which I hate) I want to fucking die. But most of the time, actually it shrinks. I hate this. And you're right. It is so hard. But I think If I was kinder, things would be under control by now, but since the mid January, I'm not going kind with myself. It started for me in January of this year (2023).

[@user-HOH]

​@@RosfieldConti know it's hard but you are not alone I attempted suicide three times cuz of ocd please be strong ❤

[@will6176]

Same, seeing young warm people and women too deal with it makes things easier lol :) I’m 27 and a great charming guy but when around kids i feel weird and make bad impressions on ppl cuz I’m trying so hard to NOT seem creepy or look to long or little lol oh my goddddd:/

[@liamc7967]

i’ve been having POCD for a week now. it’s crippling me in so many ways. i can’t enjoy the things i normally do. i can hardly eat. i can’t fall asleep for hours and i have to listen to a podcast or something to do so. i know for a fact i would NEVER hurt a child. i’m a kind person, i’ve always been a very gentle soul. but there are all these ‘what if’ scenarios constantly going off in my head and creating intense anxiety. i have contemplated suicide on several occasions. i fear that this will not pass and it’ll affect me for life and i won’t be able to live fully. i feel like i’m sinking. i have scheduled a phone consultation with an OCD counselor in a few days, but i’m scared they won’t be well versed in pocd and will label me as something i know i’m not. why me?

[@audhdbaddie]

I am so sorry you’re struggling with this it’s so hard when your mind is fighting against you making you think you’re a horrible person! Your therapist should know that this is ocd, especially if you explain that the thoughts are intrusive and there is no desire or want for these thoughts! It definitely can get better and I hope your consultation goes well!!!💚

[@alexcaballero1057]

@Jim Newt can we talk

[@amalkardaly1652]

Have you gotten better

[@sanchitaambasht9263]

Same thing is happening with me

[@davidmedinaortega9859]

How you doin mate?:((

[@carinaluxford241]

As an OCD therapist, I would like to say that this video explains OCD extremely well. If you are a sufferer please find a therapist experienced in working with Exposure and Response Prevention. The UK charity OCD Action also offers a lot of information and support for sufferers and their families.

[@audhdbaddie]

Thankyou, yes ERP is amazing, changed my life❤️

[@lassegotz5274]

can we chat?

[@carinaluxford241]

@@lassegotz5274 Did you mean chat to me?

[@kookyrook4170]

Hey do you have an email?? I’m really suffering with ocd and idk if that’s a fair thing to do but I really need help.

[@joseph0998]

POCD is such a torturous feeling, I only recently realised what exactly it was and spoke to a therapist about it after a few weeks of suffering with it. I then started to notice some other “common” things I’ve done for years that aren’t to normal and I just assumed it was part of my personality. It’s much more hellish for me since my parents are literally foster parents and it gets the point where If I can’t convince myself that I won’t do anything I’d most likely kill myself. I interact with children and while I’m with them I know in myself that I wouldn’t ever do anything. It’s when I’m alone or not interacting with anyone or sometimes I’ll be fine and then just have a thought or image and I hate myself so much that I could even have these thoughts. Due do other mental health issues I don’t feel much anymore but even just writing this I’m balling something I’ve not done in years, since I was young my only real dream was to be a father and was my main motivation for living, and at this point I can’t even see a future where that’s remotely possible. Some days my only hopes is that I die and there be no after life so that I atleast get a rest from this waking hell. I’m so physically and mentally tired that I can barely function most days and spend it just trying to distract myself. I’m sorry for this rant I just needed somewhere to say this.

[@vivianrodriguez480]

I feel you … I feel the same way. We will get through this and you are not alone. I will pray for you tonight but please try to stay strong. I love you. You got this !

[@c1rcu267]

Thats how i feel, if i sexually harmed a child or baby or even seriously injured them, I would kill myself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

[@verutor4244]

man... youre gonna make me fucking cry. literally same, i dont even know what to do anymore i have always felt like a looser and now i just feel like shit, my mind just spawns thoughts and sometimes i find myself unconciously reviving those thoughts of to proove to myself that i am not a monster and this only makes me feel worse, if there is a god i just want to fucking ask why did he made me and all of people with this to suffer like this, i have to repeat to myself that im not a monster every time i have a strong attack, im from a third world country in wich if i even dare to talk about it id be looked as a threat. I just want it to change, worse of all i have other types of ocd, i fear my family getting cancer and i feel triggered when they talk about it, i cant watch killer documentaries because i get thoughts like what if that is going to happen to my family and i am never going to talk about it to anyone ever

[@joseph0998]

@@verutor4244 Since doing this comment I’ve been on a anti depressant sertraline for a while and I have to say it’s helped. It may just be that my moods not as awful but it is easier. Don’t get me wrong I still have thoughts every day but the good days are starting to increase. Something I found helpful is when I get overwhelmed by it going onto something like redit and searching POCD. Or your given expression of you OCD, read about peoples experiences with it and compare it to your own more than anything else you’ll notice similarities between them and you might start to realise that what you are going through is hellish yes, but the thoughts are something more than you have even if you don’t want to talk to family or friends about it there’s still people you can talk about it with. Something I’ve learnt over the past few months is that you need to stop seeing the thoughts as you. We can’t control our thoughts what we can control is our actions. We obsessive over these what ifs not because we’re inherently bad people but because we’re empathetic and afraid of what will happen to those around us or the potential harm we can do. Think of it in terms of a example I heard, say your OCD is obsessing over a fire burning down your house. Instead of double checking the gas is off electricity is off and so on think if there was a fire what will tell me? I have smoke alarms, can I put out the fire. Get a fire extinguisher 🧯 and so on. It’s hard to get a grip with but I believe and hope that you can get through this. And if there is a god it’s getting one hell of a shouting at when I die.

[@joseph0998]

@@verutor4244 Try doing some of these relaxing techniques they won’t help as much in an actual situation where you have the thoughts but they may help you stop focusing on them after kzbin.info/www/bejne/qGKmaZutn5p_jtk kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z5-9dpenmKyJsNE kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z3XZXp-afLGhf7s

[@fizzii_pop]

You are so, so incredibly brave for making this video. I'm 13 and I struggle from POCD. It's starting to get really horrible, and sometimes I feel like it will never get better. But this video gave me hope. Thank you. ❤

[@lovinginvention]

As someone who has suffered with POCD since age 12 and can so clearly remember the very first thought and didn’t understand what it was for 10 whole years, I am so glad you have realised this now. I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you. Hope you get all the support you ever need ❤

[@IvanDal92ry2]

i think i have pocd too its horrible too meet childrens and i look at them all the time ' but only girls

[@user-mv3pc8zd7g]

Hi x Im 31 years old. I've had pocd since 14 years old. It's been horrible But!!!! I am now married and 3 children. God has helped me and with having my children, it has showed me that these thoughts were just thoughts. No reality. Don't be afraid. Seek god.

[@yesoup]

Omg you are really really young, im had it when i was 17

[@nainreverse]

please stay strong mine started younger than 13 and ik your struggle veeery much ❤ you can do this and stay strong and seek professional help since you're still young so they don't point you out as a creep when you're older

[@Cecily1993]

Thank you so much for this. POCD is absolutely horrific and ridiculous. It happens to the most kind, caring people who love children with all their heart and would never do anything horrible in a million years. Our brains lie. ❤

[@heloarv49]

I once had a dream about a disgusting scene and it was the dream that caused me the most rage on my entire life, everytime I start to think I'm an abomination I try to remember all the legitimate hatred for p3d0philia I always had, but you know, false memories are extremely misleading

[@b0ys14ught3r]

I relate a lot. I had a manipulative friend called me a pedophile and a child predator and told me that my POCD isn't vaild because they "had ocd", I felt like a monster, I gotten suicidal, I now have scars on my legs, arms and wrists due to that friend. I felt like I lost my hole identity, my whole self. I didn't know who I was. Now I had to change my name due to the trauma, it use to be Aiden, now it's Alex, short for Alexander.

[@audhdbaddie]

I’m so sorry, that was not a real friend! You are so strong for pushing through because pocd is so torturous and to have someone say things like that is a nightmare when we are mostly looking for reassurance that we are not “this thing”. I hope things have improved for you and I wish you all the best💙

[@b0ys14ught3r]

@@audhdbaddie Thank you for the kindness, God bless your beautiful soul.

[@astralcamisado648]

I'm sorry you had to deal with someone like that and for everything you've gone through. I don't know if this is helpful, but two people can have the same diagnosis and have incredibly different experiences. I hope you're feeling better than you did last month since that sounds like it must have been rough.

[@b0ys14ught3r]

@@astralcamisado648 Well yeah, I know, but thank you.

[@zajax1896]

You should explain to him what pocd really menas youre not a predator youre normal And valid!

[@frankenfreakie]

as a trans person that struggles with POCD, where at one point a few years ago i wouldn’t leave my house and I would lock myself in my room at family gatherings when my nephews came to visit, the whole fear mongering from conservatives about pride parades and trans people being a danger to children is EXTREMELY triggering to me. i have to constantly remind myself i am not my thoughts and i am not a danger, but god, it’s so fucking hard. I constantly think about taking my own life because of this disorder. i’ve also got autism and my special interest is horror movies, specifically slasher movies, even more specifically, slashers of the 1970’s and 80’s. therapy is difficult for me to obtain, so as a way to cope with my OCD, i always imagine my various OCD themes as a horror movie monster, and like all horror movie monsters, sometimes they come back for a sequel and i have to beat them again; POCD specifically is Freddy Krueger. If you’ve ever seen A Nightmare on Elm Street, the key to beating Freddy Krueger is to rob him of his power. That’s how Nancy beats him. That’s part of why I love the movie so much, because it’s helped me through a very rough time in my life dealing with mental illness. “I know you too well now… I take back every bit of energy I gave you. You’re nothing. You’re shit.” - Nancy Thompson

[@heloarv49]

I'm also a trans person (trans lesbian) and I'm starting to think that suffering from all the agony from dysphoria in my teenage years while discovering my attraction to girls led me into an obsession over teen girls' figure and now that I'm 18 and I get those thoughts again I start to think I'm a perv and all the anxiety makes me think if I'm attracted to people I never felt attracted to, like kids. I mean wtf, one year ago I didn't even remembered that kids existed after all.

[@ceebreezy9889]

Thank you for being brave enough to speak about such a painful and horrifying theme. I wouldn’t wish this theme on my worst enemy. I’ve had pretty much every theme of ocd and this theme is worse than all of them combined. Everyday is a fucking nightmare.

[@audhdbaddie]

Absolutely agree, i wish so badly that this theme did not exist, i really hope you can heal from this as I know it’s so horrible❤️

[@ceebreezy9889]

@@audhdbaddie thanks girl, I hope the same for you. 💚

[@G.Maldo1]

Before i developed this i had HOCD (fear of being gay) even though there’s nothing wrong with that. It lasted for about a week before i got another intrusive thought after watching a disturbing movie. In my mind i’m always thinking “what if?”. It’s getting better, i could now look at a child without feeling anxious or getting the intrusive thoughts. All that’s left now is the guilt like “why did i imagine such things?” and “if my family knew what i was imagining they’d be disgusted of me” But i’m slowly trying to accept that i have OCD and that it will get better one day.

[@audhdbaddie]

Yes I relate to this a lot, the hocd too. It will get better, wishing you the best!

[@G.Maldo1]

@@audhdbaddie Thank you, i really appreciate you for replying.

[@amalkardaly1652]

I also developed hcod them pocd, before I had many types of ocd too

[@G.Maldo1]

@@amalkardaly1652 I’ve also been struggling with false memories associated with the POCD. I obviously don’t wanna share it here but it did make me feel somewhat better with her explaining the false memories. I did feel suicidal and guilty even though I wasn’t sure if it was an intrusive thought or a real memory. I kept telling myself “I know I’d never do something like that” but that image has been replaying over and over everyday for about 2 months.

[@amalkardaly1652]

@@G.Maldo1 I can relate so much.. Especially the intrusive thought of something like that repeating over and over again in my head. It was littraly self torture

[@PILMAN]

You are brave for posting this. I suffer from POCD too and its terrifying and disabling. On the surface people cant tell, I am the independent married successful guy who builds computers, shoots guns, loves history, has a beautiful wife but inside my soul feels so destroyed. I will post more but its been hurting for years.

[@audhdbaddie]

Thank you for your comment, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with this. It’s absolutely soo soul destroying! I really wish you the best and hope you can heal from it one day!

[@PILMAN]

@@audhdbaddie Thank you, to give you some more backstory, my fear of kids started off from a bad relationship I was involved with in 2007 - 2008 it was a woman with a 2 year old, I was 20 just turning 21 and while I had girlfriends online, never dated a woman at that time. Long story short, the relationship was not good, the woman I was involved with was very controlling and emotionally, mentally and even physically abusive and forceful. She lived with her parents who had a drug issue, she shared a room with her daughter which I was very much uncomfortable with. Before our breakup, multiple anxiety inducing events happened where she was trying to make me more of a "father figure" for her daughter, was constantly checking my phone, she didnt understand or care about my anxiety, it was always about her. When she broke up with me, things didnt end, she harrassed me and my new girlfriend accusing me of the very worst things you can imagine, she also claimed she was pregnant (I never did anything with her), posted my information on neo nazi forums trying to destroy me to the point I was beyond depression, this was the height of the 2008 - 2009 housing crisis and my mother was on the verge of losing her home. My panic attacks were so bad I didnt really fully recover because of so much paranoia endured and fear my life would be ruined. I was in a crisis center for 72 hours and had a breakdown. Fast forward, having lost my job at that time, and other events being stranded out of state with people who were taking advantage of my depression, I slowly picked up the peices moving back with my mom, got a job after a year unemployed, I met my current wife overseas, brought her here to the US, we got married, I ended up getting a very nice job, a house, a car, a few years after our marriage I experienced my first serious panic attack when we were flying out of the country, started getting these intrusive flashing thoughts, my first POCD thoughts but this was more than anxiety, it was thoughts I believed were actually happening, and I was terrified. I was at my inlaws home when it happened and they had to assure me nothing had happened, my wife didnt understand it then, we didnt know it was OCD, I just started avoiding people clasping my hands together, I felt like I was possessed and someone was controlling me like pinnochio, the absolute most disturbing terrifying thoughts. When I found out about this condition I found it was a form of OCD and felt relief I wasnt the only one that had this. It has felt like a curse but my wife had been very supportive, I do my best to be a good dad and realize these thoughts are just thoughts and not real, they are not me.

[@purplepeaches97]

@@PILMAN I am so sorry that you have experienced the pain to this depth. You are incredibly strong. I find my loved ones who have also had to deal with abuse struggle in a similar way. Thank you for sharing your experience. ❤

[@fraserclark9234]

I am 19 and I was exposed to sexual abuse at a young age and I developed something similar and I can say it brought my life to a stand still, thanks for sharing your story I hope you are thriving

[@dropfm1555]

You have no idea how brave you are for posting this. I dealt with the same shit 2019-2020, would say I’m pretty much over it now. Weed triggered mine for the first time. Even being over the ocd, every time I’ve tried to smoke it since it comes back full force.

[@dropfm1555]

@i hate me stopped consuming weed. the OCD lasted for a few months after the last time I used, then it disappeared gradually. Now it's a total thing of the past. If yours isn't substance-related, try to get talking therapy? Just getting these thoughts out to a mental health professional can be so freeing.

[@Mergestucsi1]

Im so thankful and proud of you for talking about this! Im struggling with POCD and im just 16 and it's literally horrific. And i have this mixed feeling of relief and scared at the moment, relief because i know what im struggling with but im also really scared for obvious reasons lmao. And i just wanted to thank you again for talking about this!!!! You gave me a lot of hope and i wanna get better because im experiencing hell rn.

[@audhdbaddie]

Thanks for your comment, i really hope things start to look up for you! Its deffo possible to recover. For so many years pocd made me so depressed but im honestly doing so so much better. Theres hope💗

[@C0D37TER]

Same I’m 16 and struggling with the same exact thing 😢

[@kumariguriya3647]

@333nikkey how are you now

[@kumariguriya3647]

@@C0D37TER how are you now

[@IvanDal92ry2]

i'm almost 31 and still have pocd

[@maegannope9140]

it’s comforting to put a face to someone else with pocd…to know that i’m not the only one struggling or who has struggled. because no one really says they have this right out and they damn sure don’t let their faces be seen. thank you

[@hershey2581]

I only just discovered what POCD is today. I’ve been struggling all of my adult life, I’m 26. Thank you so much for posting this!!!!!!! I struggle to remember who I even am as these intrusive thoughts and others feel like they override my system. I appreciate your honesty so much, and giving me a moment where I get to remember I am a regular human who is just struggling with thoughts that don’t reflect who I am.

[@cheesydawg371]

I've yet to start therapy so listening to you and seeing other people share their relatable experiences is awesome. I hope this topic gets talked about more so that no one has to suffer in silence again.

[@imironbatmanjaredmontaug4477]

I'm 25 and I feel like I struggle with this a lot. Just knowing that it is more common than we might think and that people like yourself are willing to share your stories like this helps me and gives me hope. Thank you ❤❤❤

[@lukasprivat8371]

The POCD is exactly like my story. Just had the courage to research it and I was so reliefed I balled my eyes out (I’m not a cryer). It makes sense now.

[@JA-uh2tm]

Had the exact same moment just now, hope your doing well!

[@fatimajoaquimh]

this is such a dark and difficult subject, I really appreciate you making it funny but still informative. Thank you very much

[@fimbles4211]

I've been going through POCD for over 5 years without telling a single person because I thought I couldn't. Only recently have I discovered other people have this

[@TahirRahmanFilms]

As someone who thinks they may be struggling with POCD (although I am not diagnosed) to the point where I am at a state of self-reassurance and constantly checking myself for groinal responses, this was helpful thank you very much!

[@archanaambadi7846]

please listen to what your heart says and feels, not just your mind. Heart always speaks the truth. Every thought you get run it through your heart and feeling and see if its true. Doing this really helped me with my depression and negative thoughts.

[@michaelbaca7773]

Yes I loved my daughter but these sick thoughts took over and didn't help anything until I did research I still have sick thoughts but not the heart I cried about pushing my bm when we got into a fight tells you alot

[@andrewperkovich8184]

This discussion means a lot. I have been dealing with this for about a year and its been brutal. Everything from small panic attacks where i get dizzy and my heart races to feeling out of body most days. That constant self talk when an intrusive thought smacks you out of nowhere can be brutal. Its gotten to the point where having feelings of intimacy scare me cause im terrified of a thought popping in out of nowhere. I am going to therapy and im taking meds, but its still a struggle sometimes. My anxiety fluctuates where ill be ok for a time then BOOM! Intrusive thought. During good times i can brush it off and during anxious times it just turns into circle talk. OCD is a fucking monster.

[@ozzymannmusic4217]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been struggling with various sub-types, including this one, for four years. OCD can be a truly terrifying disorder capable of producing extreme suicidality. You have greatly and honestly spread information about this horrible condition. From me and many other sufferers of OCD- thank you and stay well :)

[@jilk.7655]

they funny thing is, i developed sensorimotor OCD and i looked it up and learnt about it etc to fight it. and while looking it up, i saw that some people have POCD and then it was stuck in my head and I began obsessing over it. i know that i am straight and into grown men, and i actually don’t even like children at all and never liked them. but even tho i KNOW the facts, my brain is still obsessing over it for no reason at all. the brain is so weird ._.

[@BarneyL.Combes]

Um sorry to say this but I have mental health ocd and never once had pedophile thoughts if that is happening don’t blame it on ocd a pedophile is a pedophile as long as you don’t touch a child but still you definitely have pedo traits ok

[@lydiawithers6583]

I have been struggling with POCD for about two weeks... I'd never experienced that type of OCD and it has honestly been one of the worst experiences in my life. I work with children and have done for the past two years and these thoughts had never crossed my mind before. I'm 35 and have a child of my own who is 14. I have started discussing this with my therapist last week but the road seems so long and tortuous to recovery. I've realised that I've suffered from various forms of OCD since being a teen, it just took forms I didn't realise were OCD. Example, I convinced myself when being pregnant with my son that he was not his dad's child and that I was pregnant with a stranger's child and that when I would give birth, everyone would know I was an adultress whore... Obviously it was all bollox and I hadn't cheated on my partner... Anyway, the POCD is terrible and it started because I became attached to a kid where I work who is also very attached to me. And I started wondering if it was like a crush and therefore that I could view children in that way... After that was a downward spiral of constant feelings of dread, fear, avoiding children, avoiding physical contact with my own child and so forth... I've been off work as a result because I can't face being around the kids. This has never happened in all my life. Until now, kids were kids, nothing more nothing less. No further thought was put into it. And now it's my worst nightmare. I can't really talk about it because I'm ashamed and I also wonder if my therapist secretly thinks I'm a paedophile and is just waiting to break it to me... I'm rambling.. Must be the compulsion! Thank you for this video, it helps feeling we aren't alone. ❤

[@fry5544]

I had exactly the same thoughts. The child I was forced to babysit in a homeless shelter became attached to me, and I became attached to him in a normal way - giving him his sandwich because his Mum forced me to. Then I started to think it was a crush on the child and then on a nightmare journey of suicidal thoughts & hospitalisation there. I still get thoughts that I’m attracted to male adolescents or male children or I was attracted to male adolescents and male children and I was ok with it, but I was never ok with it!!!!! As well. I know that I want to respect all children and for the most part I see children as children and adolescents as young people younger than me. We are not our awful thoughts, we are not our brain, we are the values we hold that we never want to harm children or adolescents in any way. Technically I’m probably reassuring myself by doing this, but it’s been a hard night in this spiral triggered by a few thoughts.

[@RosfieldCont]

I feel groinals, but it gets better. I know how you feel. It's horrible. We will overcome this. We'll look at it and think it's a nightmare. The problem for me is the groinals. I hate it so much.

[@RosfieldCont]

@@fry5544 It started for me in January, and I have also thought about suicide multiple times. It is soul crushing. I don't even know if I can work with this. Sometimes, I just wanna disappear.

[@BarneyL.Combes]

You need to go on the sex offenders registry 😂

[@audhdbaddie]

@user-zr5si2rb9p You need to educate yourself on something before you speak. This person is talking about POCD. Which can make you fear that you might be a p3dophile.

[@audhdbaddie]

Hi guys just wanted correct myself as I said in the beginning of the video that OCD is an anxiety disorder- it used to be classified as such but it was actually changed a while ago in the DSM5. It is now in its own category now which is Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders (OCRDs). ❤️ Also thankyou for all the support for this video and keep sharing your stories. It has been comforting to see how many people relate. Also apologies if I can’t get round to replying to everyone but I will try to reply to as many as I can ❤️

[@AlexandraTaylor-px5nd]

Tysm for making this video! I am going through a similar thing and it's causing hell where I can't be happy most of the time and feel like I don't want to live at times because the thoughts seem to try to change me and twist and convince me that I am a terrible disgusting person which deep down I know I am not, but the thoughts are causing me to perform the compulsion rituals, I hit myself and yell at myself for my thought to go away to the point of tears but they keep coming, I tried to tell my mom about ocd itself at first but I am not taken seriously and it causes even more of a hellish dread feeling. I have not told anyone what exact thoughts were killing me because I am scared. I feel tired and drained because it won't leave my head and the compulsions take hours of my time and drive me crazy:(. I am really glad that you overcame it! Hopefully these horrible thoughts will leave me alone soon.

[@c1rcu267]

I had a false memory form from an Intrusive thought, I had it once before but was able to easily put it off. I am now tormented by it, I thought about it for 3 days straight. 3 whole days. I had felt like I had done it but thought if I did something that horrible. I wouldn't forget it. I hate living like this. It really is debilitating. Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate hearing that someone understood. when you brought up false memory OCD, i started crying. i felt like i was going crazy. thank you so much.

[@saintbastien69]

Wow this is so powerful and eye-opening. I never realized how MANY issues I've had navigating my mind and thoughts throughout my life, that all relate to OCD and multiple of the subtypes. I am apart of the LGBT+ community and have grown up in an extremely cultish religious family. I had this obsessive fear deep down that my sexuality made me a pervert. I didn't wanna be around young boys because I was terrified that I may be a pervert, based on my upbringing and lack of love and support, especially in my sexuality. So thank you so much!

[@audhdbaddie]

Thanks for sharing, i can relate to what youre saying! I hope things go well for you, you deserve to be happy!

[@jarencoleman3617]

Dealt with pocd for almost a decade. It’s an all day thing but the best cure is the accept the thoughts for what they are. Radical acceptance saved me. The only time I clinch up is when I get a new image in my head.

[@annabellelubouski9438]

I can’t even imagine dealing with this for almost ten years. I don’t know how you survived. My therapist just taught me what radical acceptance was, and I have no idea how to achieve it, but seeing that you have (after going through the same thing), it seems possible.

[@jarencoleman3617]

@@annabellelubouski9438 I also have schizoaffective and psychosis. Hell I'm surprised I'm still here. Lol

[@annabellelubouski9438]

@@jarencoleman3617 dude, you’re seriously incredible!

[@jarencoleman3617]

@@annabellelubouski9438 I'm a woman but thanks! lol

[@simpyuwu444]

I can’t take this anymore. It started a month ago and the guilt is just too much. I don’t know why this is happening but it’s disturbing as fuck and I want it to stop. My brain keeps working against me and putting up an uncertainty I cannot bare to live with. I want to die at this point.

[@audhdbaddie]

That sounds exhausting, I know it must be so horrible but please know that you can get better! There is NOTHING feel guilty for because these thoughts are intrusive, like you just said they are disturbing. You are not a bad person you just struggling and I know it’s really hard but there is help out there and there are other people who feel just like this! You deserve to be here and to enjoy your life!

[@jarencoleman3617]

I've been having this since 2012. You can beat this.

[@katlehomahlae6415]

@@jarencoleman3617 can you pass your ig handle! I would like to ask a question

[@jarencoleman3617]

@@katlehomahlae6415 jarenxoxo

[@krystalwiththetea1014]

I’ve had every form of ocd since a child

[@emmanuelfernandes5610]

I've been struggling with OCD since... 9? Like you. With POCD, I guess I've been struggling since 17/18, and it has lead me to my worse times ever. Been recovering from this in therapy! Recently I've encountered the term POCD, and it changed everything. So much shame and pain felt clarified, I had a name for it. "It isn't desires, it's symptoms" maybe it's the phrase wich most stayed with me since I've discovered it. Your experience is so enlightening, so much needed right now for me. Thanks for it! Thanks so much.

[@audhdbaddie]

🥲❤️

[@joaquinjocson1158]

For me i only had my break down a few days ago. i believe my childhood porn addiction that got worse overtime caused my POCD since from regular porn i went into more taboo stuff like Loli. I talked to my Psychiatrist about this and the diagnosis is Pure Ocd(POCD) with severe porn addiction. Its pretty cruel since the other types of Pure OCD like Existential OCD, Obsessive fixation on a person and need to know OCD are the themes that were most prominent for me in recent years. However POCD has taken over, i would much rather trade POCD for another theme if i could. Thank you so much for talking about this, you just saved another life!! 😁😁

[@audhdbaddie]

Thanks for sharing, so important to have open conversations about this stuff. I’m so glad the video helped in some way. I really hope you can get the right help and start to recover from it 💙

[@joaquinjocson1158]

@@audhdbaddie thank you for replying! I wish you only the best in our recovery. And seriously your video has given me a healthy reassurance especially when you mentioned the other themes(need to know, obsessed with a person). I still have the doubts as all of us do it is the doubting disease after all. But I am able to pull myself out of it and sleep peacefully at night so again. Thank you!

[@monkgooner]

Hey there! listen, your not alone. I started my porn addiction around the age of 10. im older now but my POCD started not too long ago. at some point I even used shota/loli as material when I was a lot younger. I quit porn because now that im older I fear that I may be a pedophile at some point. Sometimes I even have intrusive violent thoughts about if I harmed a kid and checked my groinal response to make sure I dont get erect. this had been tearing me apart for a while and I know I would never hurt a kid. Despite that I try to recognize these as simple thoughts and try my best not to think about it too much. Trust me you are not alone here if you wanna talk reach me at @takeokazuchi on insta or through here or any kind of platform lemme know 🤗

[@TheCoffeyy]

hey akira i have the same POCD type with the escalation of porn if you want to talk im here

[@kstar1489]

How do you deal with having watched things like that? As someone also struggling

[@maria_____.]

You have no idea how helpful this video is. It's so relieving to know that other people, and especially other women, are going through this because a lot of my anxiety stemmed from feeling like I'm the only person to ever deal with this and like there's no hope for me. Most of the time I'm able to brush off the thoughts because deep down I know they're not true but every once in a while the "what ifs" prevail and I start spiraling. It's so tiring.

[@NN-gl2ef]

I'm crying. Thank you for being strong and talk about this topic

[@alyaalicekiki1332]

OMGsh! I’m so glad your exist and are talking about this! POCD has caused me years of internal anxiety, distress and caused self harm episodes. I had therapy for it but it all came back as Pure OCD does twice as bad and then went away and well you get the story it came back. I’ve suffered from sexuality OCD and Harm OCD and anxiety for as long as I can remember growing up! but this type of OCD has been the most frightening of them all.. Thank you for spreading awareness! Therapy is definitely the way to go! I’m so glad you’re getting help and this gives me so much hope 💛

[@Ghhghjkjk]

I had a groinal response verrrry traumatizing experience that sent me months and months into a downward spiral, neglect, shame, etc its nice to know this is normal and im not alone

[@girlmeetspup5778]

Thank you so much for this!!!! I have had problems with ocd since I was eight, it’s a different kind of ocd that’s not pocd but the thought processes are similar just around different subjects and themes. I wish more people would discuss pocd more because it’s not talked about enough! Thank you for being so brave to share your story 💕

[@audhdbaddie]

Thanks for your comment! OCD is hard mann, at least we have a community of people that just get us😩. Wish you the best with your journey ❤️

[@TweetMarcelo]

thank you so much for this. i have no idea how much courage you needed to post this. today I told my therapist about these thoughts (I’ve been hiding it for 6 months now) cause I couldn’t handle anymore. then I discovered about POCD and I could relate to every symptom, but it still feels weird like I’m just reassuring myself when deep down I know I’m a P* but the anxiety has gone down so much just by seeing how many people go through this as well

[@muahful]

You're not alone, having to experience this in over 18 years.It's a terrible feeling, it comes with thoughts, feelings, images etc.I'm scared because i do not want these thoughts when i have my future grand kids 😭😭

[@audhdbaddie]

That’s an amazing step to recovering already! It’s such a horrible thing to deal with and that’s exactly what ocd likes to do, trick you to believe you’re a bad person. It’s absolutely not true! Wishing you all the best💙

[@cuprisun]

Me too! It's to the point I've also convinced myself I'm the p word, but I actually don't want these thoughts and I feel so disgusted

[@timothytaratchila6460]

Thank you for posting this. Seeing you talk about it makes me emotional. I also know that going through such things will either keep you a victim or make you strong as fuck. I go through pure ocd. Such as pocd and ocd about believing I sold my soul to the devil. It kept me from making my art. It kept me from going into the world and making a name for myself. I was constantly scared every single day that this was true. It felt like torture, especially when I was giving in to these thoughts and letting it affect me emotionally. It was like a bunch of invisible bullies following you around. If you tried to confront them they will fuck you up. (Ocd gets louder). But going through such a thing does make a person very patient and strong. There’s a lot of wisdom behind it and having ocd causes you to understand exactly how the brain works (why it happens).

[@audhdbaddie]

Absolutely! There was i time when i hated my brain so much but now i realise that its probably made me a nicer person and much more empathetic. Its definitely a test🥴 but its possible to overcome and come out stronger from it all. Thanks for your comment!

[@audhdbaddie]

Hope you are doing well and hope you can heal from it!

[@jen7662]

My first time with POCD was when I was 24 or so. I began having images of children and thoughts if I could harm them. It nearly drove me insane and I mean that. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I finally broke down and went to a therapist and this was the first time I heard of OCD or POCD. Little less than 20 years later depending on my stress it’s either containable or wilding out. I will look for evidence from my actions (past and present) to confirm my obsessions. My behavior would be hyper aware of kids around my physical location. Knowing where people are, the placement of my body and hands, being unable to look at kids and images of kids.….at times, I still have trouble believing if it’s POCD but if I’m aware enough, I try to be present, journal but sometimes it’s hard.

[@ripplerfx]

Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. Accepting uncertainty and letting the anxiety dissipate naturally is key. Live your life, practice meditation, you deserve to be free

[@iamsarahnolan]

three years late but thank you so so so much for sharing your experience with this 🫶 OCD can be such an isolating and lonely condition and you’ve made so many people feel less alone with this video including me. i’ve been struggling with OCD for nearly three years and sometimes i feel like i should just give up…so you saved a life today 💛

[@joshthecowtipper4308]

I just wanted to say that I stumbled upon this video researching OCD and I have never experienced so much relief in my adult life. I couldn't get over this feeling that I had to die because of my thoughts and that I was undeserving of any good coming my way. You have given me a renewed hope and I cannot thank you enough for your willingness to come out and provide me with information I so desperately needed. I admire your strength and courage and I hope I can learn to cope and treat myself too. I have been experiencing this for several months now and it made me feel like a hollow shell of my former self. I managed to get counseling help but this apparently isn't very understood where I am from so all it made me do is feel worse at times. You have done me and many others a great service and I will not forget this kindness you have exuded. Thank you!

[@Eccentricjuices]

This really helped me realize this is my OCD doing all the horrible things to me mentally. When I was in elementary school, I was scared of death. I’d believe if my parents just drove on the interstate each time we were gonna probably die. The thoughts stayed rampant in my head for a while. Then from a period of time, it all went away. In recent years, it’s made a comeback. I was first afraid of going to hell. I was then afraid of the concept of an early death. Now I’m having POCD. I was molested as a child. I believe my thoughts are coming from a place or torment and the fear of the abused becoming the abuser. Which I would never harm a child and have no desire to do so. I wish these thoughts would go away bc Ik it’s not me talking.

[@BigGuitarGuyJosh]

Thank you for this. For the longest time I just thought I was some sort of monster, I was the worst of humanity that I could even conjure thoughts like that. I have been working for a long time on getting better and it is still a struggle. There were times when if I saw a woman and her child in a store I was in, I would leave. I would avoid that situation to the best of my ability so that there was no question to whether I'm going to hurt someones child. I appreciate you coming out and telling your story. It's good to know there are others out there having the same journey.

[@seanmcg8717]

Thanks for putting this out. I can relate to a lot you said. Ive had this theme the past 2 months. I like to let the thoughts pass through without questioning them but it's difficult sometimes

[@audhdbaddie]

Yes it’s so hard to do that. We just have to remember that it is ocd and not our true thoughts. It’s so great that you’re doing that though. Hearing that other people can relate makes me feel relieved honestly!

[@seanmcg8717]

@@audhdbaddie it's difficult because the thoughts are so disturbing. I found so-ocd much easier. The thoughts are just junk that I wish I could throw away😄. I wish the best in yours and mine recovery

[@audhdbaddie]

@@seanmcg8717 it’s deffo the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with. I just hate it because you have to go to such ugly places to reassure yourself that you’re not (🥴a bad person). Yeah I would love to just throw them away😂. Wish you the best too, we will get through it.

[@qofi2723]

Thanks for sharing your info. I also suffer from this as well. Before I knew what this REALLY was, I thought of it as my worst nightmare. It all happened ever since I was in college, it took over memories I use to love, not dread over. I use to be so scared of these false memories that suicide seemed like my only way out. I attempted to end my life many times, so much that I forgotten what it was like to live in the present moment. It took me months to finally accept that all I have left to live for was to let today be enough to represent my REAL self, and that all I can do is get comfortable in simply not knowing what my past TRULY is. Basically, to let the dead bury the dead. This event even made me more spiritual than I was before, though it took me some time to not pray for reassurance, but instead pray for simply strengthening my faith, and starting over my mindset. This even got me into numerology as well, which if anybody's interested, I can share you all how it helped me in getting my faith back. Right now I'm recovering one day at a time, but I do need a therapist bad. I just don't see how I can handle this on my own. But I just wanted to say thank you all for this video, lets me know that I'm not alone in this fight. Much love to you all, and please stay strong with me in this endeavor.

[@tayzk5929]

It makes me so sad how little we have progressed as humans. So much harm is going on because of old harmful ideas persisting, people are imprisoning themselves and others. Feeling uneccessary shame and guilt. When there could just be love and caring for eachother.

[@hydrogeddonn]

My first time being diagnosed with OCD and my first theme is POCD. I was similar to you in that before knowing it was OCD I was suicidal and at my lowest. I have since started therapy but it's rough going and OCD is fighting back with sexual intrusive thoughts, which I didn't have much of before. Mainly I fear hurting others, but the new sexual images are really wearing me down. I should expect this though as my therapist said it will likely get worse and retaliate before it gets better. Thanks for your bravery and sharing your experience. We need to know we aren't alone.

[@audhdbaddie]

These kind of intrusive thoughts are so horrible. I’ve reached the point know where I know that these thoughts are just so against my moral character! What helps me is to label them as ocd when they come up. And to remember that if I accept thought it doesn’t mean I like it, just means I have ocd and I’m doing my best to recover! Thank you for your comment and I wish you the best in therapy! It definitely helps me too hearing about people’s similar experiences🤎

[@willowmalone9215]

You are a brave young lady to address what you just did here. Thank you for this

[@kuhn1696]

How can I tell a therapist about it? You have no idea how much shame, disgust and embarrassment it implies to be vocal about this problem. I’m disgusted to even try to form a sentence out loud that makes sense about what I have been through without sounding like a crazy person. I’m only 17 and have been suffering from this since I was 14, I can’t take it anymore. I need help, I need so much help but I’m terrified of what getting help means. I’m so scared of sharing this, of talking about it, of dealing with it. I’m terrified and so ashamed, so incredibly ashamed. I just want to be a normal teenager and have boyfriends and stuff, I don’t want to harm anyone ever. My life has changed so much, I have developed an ed and depression. Thought about committing sūïcidê but I’m too much of a coward to go through with it. I’m terrified, and every day that goes by I feel like a piece of my soul is taken away. I’m nothing more than an empty shell of who I was. I have not been me for so long that I can’t even remember who that was. I’m a walking corpse. So sorry for venting, thanks for sharing your story. UPDATE: I’m going to therapy next week (probably) i hope to have the courage to open up about it completely and not leave anything unsaid, but still, I’m really really scared. Thanks for the replies and thank you so much for sharing your experience, you have no idea how sharing about POCD helps since is a topic THAT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT and a living hell for us who have it. To all struggling, I wish with all my heart you can get the help you need and please believe me that you are not your thoughts or your body sensations, you are what you believe and you are how you feel related to the topic. Everything is going to be fine, but please, you don’t have to fight this alone: millions of people suffer from this, you don’t have to do it alone. Kisses to everyone.

[@audhdbaddie]

Hi, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this! I can relate so much to what you’ve said. Mine actually started when I was younger too and prevented me from dating as i felt so disgusting. It depends on where you are from. You must make a referral to a mental health service and speak to a psychiatrist/ psychologist. They will know this is OCD if you explain the intrusive unwanted thoughts! I know it’s so hard to talk about and I never ever thought I would but I genuinely told my therapist my worst and most disgusting thoughts because in the end YOU are suffering, you have ocd and you don’t want these things. They will know that. If you are anxious about it you can bring some resources with you/ show them websites/ let them know that you know this is OCD as you relate to other peoples experience online. Getting help is the best thing you can do! And it’s not your fault for having this! I am so sorry again and I hope you can find help💙

[@beebomouse]

i hope you can find someone you can trust to talk about this with and im glad you have this space to speak. i recently told several friends about my (undiagnosed) ocd/intrusive obsessions and they didn't think anything less of me. they saw i was suffering and they didnt see me as the monster i felt i was

[@zajax1896]

TALK TO ME

[@kairacastro2950]

I hate this help

[@BarneyL.Combes]

You sound like every other ped 😂

[@snowwhitequeenlover]

I live in a 3rd world country... I think I have Pure OCD because I've been through all the themes possible... (Harm, going crazy, hypochondriac) but POCD makes me think about suicide every day. I just wish there's was a magical cure for this thing. 👏

[@Truerealism747]

Any physical pain

[@jess8248]

you just helped me tremendously, and your vulnerability is a testament to your character. you are brave. i am not just saying this to say it, but bc this video just changed my life. thank you, u will never understand the positive ripple effect u caused ❤

[@audhdbaddie]

🥹🥹❤️

[@lmaofaggertonmillie4565]

This relates so much...I feel like crying, but I can’t and I don’t know why. I have been struggling with POCD since I was 11...yes 11! I’m 19 now. And even before that I’ve been into kids. It hurts man. I feel so guilty. I love kids...but I don’t know how to love them. I want to, but I don’t know how and even then I feel guilty. I even told my mother and she always uses it against me. Such a mistake that was. I’m so dumb. It hurts. I feel like my purpose is to work with children, but now it’s been compromised because of this dang problem and I hate it so much. I really hate it. I never realized how broken I am until my most recent days. I feel like I can get over it, but it’s so hard...

[@audhdbaddie]

I’m so sorry you’re going through that and that you mum has not been very helpful with it. Just know that having this ocd means absolutely nothing bad about you. And it is so possible to recover, therapy helps a lot in particular! Hope you can heal from this❤️

[@Jamangel]

this shit came in when i was a kid too utterly sucks

[@rudydeleon1146]

I have pure OCD. The only way I could describe it is life torture

[@StephenHolbrook-g6d]

I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much this video saved me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’re so strong for sharing your story and educating people on this topic.

[@ArcticFoxxyProfessional]

i’m not diagnosed with ocd but i heavily suspect i have it (and like 20 people in my life also suspect i have it). i almost had to quit my job at chipotle last year because of this exact thing. there were a lot of mindless tasks i had to complete where my brain was just allowed to tell me whatever it wanted to and it was crippling, i would spend the whole shift basically shaking and mentally running through scenarios in my head to “prove” i didn’t do anything horrible for several hours. i’d take literally any other intrusive thought pattern over that hellhole, even the ones where i convince myself i have rare terminal illnesses and spend hours on google. and the weird thing is, i don’t even like kids in the way most people do, i find them infuriating and overstimulating, they largely center around personal trauma and being afraid i will inflict that pain on someone else.

[@windfalls238]

I'm glad this topic is being more talked about, I personally don't have this theme but had something similar (another paraphilia related OCD) a couple years back and this is so validating, I still struggle with other themes but things have been getting better over time, I applaud people like you who put in the work of educating those so they don't have to struggle alone in this, and to those who are struggling: it does get better, I promise you.

[@galaxybowl8514]

Thank you for being so brave and talking about this. I know how hard this must've been to speak out loud about this. Fantastic video. Made me cry a lot

[@fudgeatshan2824]

You are an absolute star for doing this video. So brave and so well explained. Thank you so much for providing hope for myself and many others. Well done!!

[@NLfrey]

Mad respect for telling about this. It should be talked about more indeed, and it takes a lot of courage indeed, not even because of the fear for yourself, but because of knowing some people will be judgemental and not understanding ocd.

[@Jamesbutler890]

I started experiencing POCD about a month and a bit ago and it’s so agonising to go through. I’ve slowly began to develop HOCD as well and it’s just so exhausting. I’d never want to act on them but the thoughts are conjured in a way that feels so real and it’s just awful. It all happened because my friend was talking to me about her POCD and I’ve always been that “therapist” friend and I just innately tried to help her and I ended actually taking on her POCD and I was subconsciously worrying about her and when the thought first came in I was so panicked I didn’t even begin to think that the two events were linked. A lot of the time I just wish I’d never had those conversations I had with her but at the same time I’ve also become more honest with my anxiety and although right now it feels like utter shit I know that with therapy and learning to love myself, I’m going to end up being in control of my mind. You’re very brave for uploading this I know it can’t have been easy, so well done!

[@NicoleLucidiRibeiro]

POCD also happened to me in late 2019 and i was also 19. It destroyed me for so long and I relate everything you said. I am fine now and after I discovered it was OCD it just made so much sense that the thoughts just lost their power. Sending so much love to those going through this now. It gets better

[@Outlet-mn1od]

hi, please help. I have been struggling with pocd (undiagnosed) for about a week, and i have spent my recent life, lashing out on pedos and hating anyone who hurt kids. So when i got these thoughts, i was terrified. I considered taking my life many times. But after i found out it was ocd, they slowly are starting to go away. Do you think its natural for it to leave so fast?

[@NicoleLucidiRibeiro]

@@Outlet-mn1od honestly for me it was very natural... Im not an expert but after I found out what it was, I just felt so relieved, like I could finally explain it to myself. It just lost its power. I also have always loved and deeply cared about children, so to have an explanation meant the world to me. One thing I read that really helped was that actual pedophiles dont feel this great sense of guilt that we with OCD feel. It is actually the deepness of our shame that makes the thought stick. I am honestly so sorry you've been through this, I too thought of taking my life and felt like the worst human ever. Thank yuo so much for reaching out and I wish you the best :)

[@WraithTimid]

Dude thank you so so so much for making this. It’s been absolutely destroying me with increasing intensity over the past handful of years. I have almost every type of OCD and these thoughts are unbelievably distressing. I thought these thoughts were just part of my personality, I never really made the connection that they all come from OCD. I really am grateful that you chose to talk about it. I’m gonna watch the other videos you recommended too.

[@leahmoon270]

👏👏👏 thank you so much for making this video and being vulnerable. You are not alone. I'm tired of letting this disorder take over my life.

[@katieallen3512]

Can't tell you how grateful I am you made this video, thank you so much x

[@ryancarter2863]

I was 15 when this happened to me, I used to get them about younger than my age (any age). I lost my uncle in a very random accident and this spiraled my anxiety and OCD out of control. When they started I eventually confessed to my tutor at school after everything got too much. I was taken out of class and sent to the school "counselor", she referred me to CAHMS. During this period my mum and dad did not have a clue what to make of the situation and my mum sent me to live with my dad as she thought it was what's best. I believe they reacted the way they did due to the nature of POCD and the way it can sound if you were to just explain the thoughts etc to a stranger or even a family member without them or you understanding what it is (for context I was completely unaware at the time exactly what I was experiencing and told my tutor by bursting into tears and saying "I think I am a ped******". My dad throughout a time period of 2-3 months took away all of my technology I would go to school come back and sit in a room by myself after my homework was completed. He was berate me every day for hours saying that I was lying and attention seeking due to the close timing to losing my uncle when in matter of fact this caused my anxiety and OCD to go to the extreme. I was taken on drives late at night where my dad would drink and drive so he could talk about the topic. During those drives he would switch back and forth between being my "dad" and berating and screaming in my face to try to get me to "admit" I made the whole thing up. He would run through scenarios with me and ask me questions which only made everything worse. Eventually he would pose other things to me such as rape and other similar typed topics and ask me questions on that which led to my stepmother not wanting me in the house with her alone. He eventually lost his cool with the "trying to catch me out in the lie" and would physically pin me up against walls and hit me to try to scare me to admitting it. After sometime of living there the CAHMS service suggested we do a family session to try to help the tension (them knowing full well what he was doing to me) to which only ever ended up with me and my dad shouting across the room at each other. I eventually made my escape from him when one day after school I was so scared to go home with him (he used to drop me too and from school so I couldn't go anywhere other then in his supervision) I ran out the back gates of school and sat in a ASDA behind the fire escape doors to hide. After some hours I went back to my girlfriends at the time and he knew exactly where I was going and was sat outside of her house waiting. I ran inside of her house but he had already got himself between the door and forced it open. I tried to reason with him but he wasn't having any of it and I was so scared I phoned the Police and told them everything. He finally left and I haven't spoken to him in over 6 years. When I look back now I do not blame my mother one bit I understand she was just doing what she thought was best and its her first time on this planet too as they say. I still speak to my mother but it's very hard for me. Seeing her and my two other sisters just sets my POCD and anxiety off immediately and throughout the entire duration of the visits. My younger sister is 15 and the other younger is 7. I finally managed to hug the 15 yr old sister for the first time since all this happened one year ago. I am yet to hug my younger (7) one yet. This is gut wrenching for me, not only my choice to tell the school but they had to advise all immediate family due to the concern for the kids as they did not know it was POCD. Therefore I now know everyone knows and this plays into the of what ifs etc so much more. Back onto the sister thing, its gut wrenching for me because I have a older brother who is 24 and I get to see him picking them up hugging playing together yet I feel weird helping my sister with her Lego set she got for Christmas. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The craziest part of this whole thing is I only found out it was POCD about a year ago when one night after I met my current partner I felt like I needed to confess this to her so that we could be as open and honest with our relationship as possible. May I add by this point I was going through a hard time and was 2 bottles of wine in to find the courage. I went into this confession thinking that she would block me and most likely never speak to me again. I told her about what I get with the "intrusive thoughts" as CAHMS had told me it was, she immediately replied with "oh yes that's POCD" I responded "what" she basically just said she knew what it was and explained the sub type. I immediately MELTED. I left the phone on my bed (we were ftming) and at the time was living with my mother (I had just moved back in from private renting when my previous relationship ended) and went and asked to speak to her. I think the night I found out I wasn't a "ped***" I cried for a solid 1 or 2 to my brother, my mother and step father. I was so angry, upset that this was never told to me. That relief you mentioned had been built up for 5 years of me fighting myself on whether or not I should just end it. 5 years I spent under the misconception of who I was because of my thoughts, I still suffer to this day with distinguishing myself from those thoughts and feelings etc. I still can't go round my family without constantly feeling although all they are thinking is about me being p******. I cant hug my sisters, I can't be around the people I love due to this. I isolate myself so that I get less exposure to those thoughts. I simply cannot express the feeling I had during that time, no idea how I made it out of there. I am 22 now, it's been 7 years since and I think about those times and POCD every single day. I will never ever understand it and I have it. As morbid as it is, I can't wait for it to end, the thoughts to stop. POCD ruined my life.

[@ryancarter2863]

@@Britishblue. they say your worst is your worst and only you know how bad it is, just because on paper yours may sound worse or better doesn’t take away from it being your worst. Nothing in this respect is comparable based on events or things that happen. I think it’s important to understand that when reading people versions of events and things that happen to them. You have no need to think of your experience to be any worse or better then mine and feel any shame for bringing yours to light because you may feel it’s better then my situation. ( I’m not saying that in the case I’m just saying don’t feel any way about it because of personal bias and differing details) POCD is unbearable at the best of times and at its worst one of the hardest things I think I’ll have to ever go through. One thing I can say is I would absolutely agree with the button analogy and I think many others would too. I would click that button without hesitation or thought about anything else. Sounds selfish but until you understand the circumstances, as a outsider who doesn’t have it and doesn’t know what it’s like I can understand the viewpoint but as someone who deals with this daily I can 100% agree and understand exactly where you are coming from. The thing is, you have two options as hard as it is. You can allow it to get the best of you or until your time does come you can try to do your best to prove to yourself however many time you need to who you are. This is something I am trying to do. I get the thoughts daily. Rarely get breaks from it and all it takes is a situational things to happen to spike a loop and that’ll occupy my mind for days. Don’t really see my family anymore too much nor do I talk to them about it. Mainly down to this and them knowing. I wouldn’t change anything as I feel them knowing and me wanting to talk about it shows exactly where I stand on it and how I feel about it but it sometimes just isn’t enough to keep my head held high. I really do wish you the best and if you ever need to talk just use this comment section on my message to reply and chat. I would be more than happy to try to help where I can and if I can’t help just allow you to talk and get some things off your chest. Sorry for the late reply I never got the notification for it. If you choose to not reply I understand completely and I wish you the best, I hope you make it through it and one day you don’t have to consider yourself to have this issue. ❤️

[@lookatmego_ohyes]

just saw this now and im so glad i found this. i was so scared and i feel blessed that someone who looks as normal as you AdhdBaddie can share something uncomfortable to talk about. This helps my mental health and from the bottom of my heart thank you. I hope you have a great day and even if its been a few years since you posted thank you for sharing this. I am thankful

[@audhdbaddie]

🥹🫶🏼

[@viktoriiashkurenko2849]

Thank you so much for this video. I cannot begin to explain how relatable everything you are saying is. It is an incredible relief, as well as the comments people leave. Sometimes it's quote on quote what i've been thinking for years without ever telling anyone.

[@s.y.1412]

my pocd got triggered after reminiscing childhood anime. i feel so stupid wth was i thinking watching it. now every single thought every single memory of me with even real children feel tainted. i want to kms update after 3 months im finally understanding why i felt this way. im not a bad person nor do i have bad intentions. all of this is linked to brain chemicals. so whoever is reading this, please don't hurt yourself. u are not a bad person. even if u feel that way u are not. go to therapy it will help u a lot. u can heal from this.

[@YoyoYawyaw]

Hey if it makes you feel better, I went through the same thing I was 7 and had free Internet reign as a child. Im still struggling, but knowing someone knows what I've been through, and is going through it too somewhere in the world, makes me feel immensely better. I've never hurt an actually child and I will never. There's scientific explanations about false sensations which are actually anxiety's fault than actual sexual attraction. I read a message which made me feel better for a short while: Your first immediate thought doesn't define you, it the second, because that's you reacting with actual experiences and reason. If concidering the thought of being a pe_o hurts us so much, than we probably aren't. I remember before I had any type of ocd I've heard people say they wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy, I actually get it now- I truly would never wish this on anyone. Tbh my parents are neglectful giving me an iPad so young. Ive been exposed to such abusive dynamics and fights that ended in police calls inside home, outside of the anime I was exposed to. I still can't blame my parents though, they didn't know much about the Internet cruelty's. We all should've had CPS called on us :(. (or atleats I should've) . Much love.

[@s.y.1412]

@@YoyoYawyawfirst of all i am so sorry for what u went through! i genuinely hope u are feeling better. i also got exposed to inappropriate content at that age. but it was not your fault! and thank u for replying, don't worry im better now! i was stupid to keep it to myself for a long time. only when it got worse (bc i was overthinking until i had a burnout), i told my family about it. and guess what? they understood! because most anime have triggering stuff in it that mess up our unconsciousness. (and i personally believe old anime are worse on that matter.) opening up was not enough to make me feel better though, because ocd is such a bully that always comes up with new thoughts/fake feelings. so now im going to a therapist. i had my first session last week and explained most things going on in my head, including the anime situation and how it triggered this theme of ocd.. the therapist reassured me that i am not a bad person and gave me some tips based on my personal experience. i highly recommend u to go to a therapist as well. if u feel uncomfortable, maybe start slowly by explaining your childhood? or how ocd started? and if u feel like he/she doesn't understand, find another one. but definitely do not keep this to yourself. u deserve to feel better. also if possible, please open up to someone u trust in your home / closest circle. u don't have to go over details if u feel uncomfortable. just explain what u feel like so they can check up on u. do not fall for the same mistake as i did by delaying it, start today!

[@Monkey45983]

Its been almost a month, how ya doing

[@s.y.1412]

@@Monkey45983 im going to therapy and im feeling much better. during my first session i explained all the horrible thoughts and feelings i was having and when it started. during my second session, i explained my childhood and some random memories that i remember from that time and the therapist understood the reason of my triggers better. turns out that if a child is exposed to inappropriate stuff at that age it can stay stuck in the unconsciousness & grow with u when the brain develops. i might have felt very tense and sensitive for years without realizing it in my next session i will be learning some exercises to deal with these emotions.

[@Monkey45983]

@@s.y.1412 well glad to hear its doing better. Hope you recover

[@StuSiney]

I've had this 25 years solid. Every second

[@calvinjames7032]

I truly feel for anyone going through this. I suffered with P OCD for years and it took me to a really dark place mentally. There’s nothing worse than thinking you could be a pedophile or an evil person of any kind. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, even my worst enemy

[@someguyguy4019]

I'm not a paedophile and I think it's sick. I love God and I love everybody, of all religions, sexual orientations, skin colour etc. And I'm not going to say that I have some kind of special-hatred towards paedophiles. I don't. I've been noticing how sickening society has started to become, but more and more often when I see older people in public they always act different and anxious around me, as if to even avoid looking at me at all costs. It now clicked into my head that these people are struggling with sexual thoughts, and take my word for it if you want but this is the typical reaction I receive from encountering older people 90% of the time. I think this is a clear sign POCD is more common than we think.

[@delightstriker]

Real pedos deserve the woodchipper. People with POCD and intrusive thoughts deserve help.

[@alyxxjayde]

Im diagnosed with OCD but just found out about POCD and im so relieved that im not a monster

[@SegaMario]

I've been suffering this feeling for over a month now. I feel scared for my life... For a year, I've been fascinated in art of young fictional characters in fetish scenarios, but nothing involving sexual intercourse because I don't like that and that's a painfully-obvious no-no. For many years I've been aware that such things shouldn't happen to real kids. And I have no intentions of having sexual intercourse with anybody as I am content with wanting to live with family or alone. I've been looking at articles on the internet answering the question that if it's okay to enjoy that sort of art as long as you know the line between fiction and reality, and many say yes, but of course some others and the majority of social media would say the complete opposite because they believe if anyone enjoys the fictional, fantasized stuff, it'll influence them into wanting to perform such actions on real people. Well, I don't - I wouldn't want to see my kinks come to fruition on any real being, because they're completely unrealistic in nature, and some are pretty tame as they sometimes happen in cartoons. I've been toning down looking at that sort of content since I've been experiencing this feeling - it's strange to me that I'm just now feeling this rather than around the time I started looking at that content. I've talked to a few people in person (one being a Doctor) about my fascination with fictional young characters in such scenarios and they say it's fine as long as no real beings are involved, and that cheered me up, but only temporarily. I'm having so many conflicting thoughts, many leaning towards the negative side. I am *SO* scared... Give it to me straight: Is it just POCD that's making me feel this way? And is the content I'm looking at fine? And mind you, I much prefer seeing older characters in those kinky scenarios rather than young ones, as that's been my jam for years.

[@rileyrussell7333]

This is crazy accurate to my experience, every single part of it, mind blowing. Thankyou for spreading awareness!

[@jasmineg9738]

Im 23 and yes the fear of research. One time I had the compulsion to look up the laws because I was that I would be arrested even though I never did anything. Then I panicked over whether I would be arrested because I searched POCD. Anyway it’s one of my themes that can really spiral. I think with OCD admitting your fear is power. I find it interesting that our compulsions and fear are similar like even saying I like children feels like this disgusting sentence when I genuinely have a love for kids and they are so bright and wonderful. I was molested at 7 and around 12 my POCD theme developed. When my family tried to force me to hug my younger cousins I got nasty and angry 1. From my ptsd over being touched or hugging people and 2. The Pocd I didnt know I had. Finally got my diagnosis just like with the PTSD i have to research (im a psych student) and ask to be evaluated for it. These two diagnoses have lifted a huge weight because exposing myself has taught me so much. I was surprisingly able to get over the PTSD from sexual assault both older and as a child mostly with talk therapy but it flares up So I’m trying to figure out how ERP for that disorder works. Just this week I freaked out seeing a guy who looked like this guy who sexually harassed me in his apt. Sorry I ranted but I wanted to get that out and to show people the comorbitity (dual diagnoses) is very common. If you feel hopeless think how far you got so far in life. My POCD lessened in some ways when I transitioned to a woman because as terrible as it is, women are less likely to be seen as pedophiles and I feel more relaxed. As a guy there was the normal fear that men face plus the ocd part. Lots of guys even without ocd are afraid because of how society treats men who are playing with kids or very involved. Changing stigma and even the stigma against pedophiles NOT child molestors is important. Even if someone is a pedophile they cant help their brain structure. Child molestors DID make a choice and SHOULD be punished. There is a difference. I would like to see people’s thoughts on what I said and have a discussion.

[@hairynipps2599]

For alot of people transitioning is not the way but I’m glad it worked for u

[@Pictor13]

Thanks for the courage of sharing this. It's really, really important. Can save lives. Exposing your personal and vulnerable self, publicly, for the benefit of others... you really are brave. Nice trick with the interview :) Good luck; you are on the good path; I'm sure from now on you are gonna tame this bad habit and live as a happier person. Bests!

[@niticold6727]

You are very wise and inspirational

[@audhdbaddie]

Ah that’s sweet, just sharing my story ❤️

[@niticold6727]

@@audhdbaddie you have gone through alot and you r so brave to talk about that issue which most ppl feel scared or embarrassed to talk . Lots of love and respect to you

[@diegovega3013]

i know this might be bad but it feels good that theres people that have lived the same hell as i lived. i got this shit from one day to another some days before i turned 15 and it didnt stop since then. it feels so shitty that you get used to it as if it was something "normal"

[@gerrardjones28]

Ikr, the cheery on top is that you can't tell anyone irl, the worst thing is a part of me things the only way of making the distress go away is by acting it out

[@DM5550Z]

It goes away. I am younger than you and I have had this OCD since my first growth spurt and it went on for years since I was developing and at the same time I was watching Dr. Phil and that triggered a massive new wave of OCD. I feel my chains are broken now.

[@rudydeleon1146]

very good video. There is also a lot of scolding yourself when you are alone. When thoughts occur, scolding yourself

[@chickpeasasparagus8374]

Couldn’t agree more ! ❤

[@RVD614]

Hi thank you for posting this video. I'm a teacher going on 5 years in a different country. I love my job and my kids they are my world . But recently I have been having thoughts like "omg did I just touch them" was that inappropriate, am I a monster, why am I thinking about my students in that way. I know that I would never hurt them, but at the same time I feel I should hold myself back just in case. Honestly some days I feel like a piece of shit and I feel like I'm deceiving everyone around me. I wish I could be strong like you. I hope to get better and be a better person and teacher in the future.

[@anthonystitt3052]

You are so incredibly brave and strong - thank you for sharing your story!

[@emmazizi8303]

Thank u so much for ur video I was so confused and all but knowing that I’m not the only one enduring this makes me feel so much better :)

[@furkan4507]

because of a disgusting dream i had, i felt like a monster and i had panic attacks probably i would have committed suicide if i hadn't learned about it.it's really bad.

[@chickpeasasparagus8374]

I’m so sorry, your dreams are not desires they unpack everything throughout the day, including those intrusive thoughts, or a documentary, tv show or conversation you’ve had. It’s not your fault. And I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot. I hope you heal ❤❤❤

[@rudydeleon1146]

OCD steryotypes never bother me. OCD bothers me. If every person on the planet understood OCD and never made light of it, it wouldn't help me.

[@audhdbaddie]

Yes I think sometimes we need to be able to laugh at ourselves! The stereotypes bother me because if people were taught what OCD is actually like a lot less people will be struggling in silence. I see your point though.

[@grey3155]

when you said you were mean to your sister, i understood… i distance myself from my brothers especially one of them .. it was my moms funeral and he needed support but i didn’t want to be anywhere near him so i kept moving when he got close to me so he went to a tree and i went to the cat and sat, i felt horrible .. but i didn’t want to have thoughts about him at all

[@ananyaraikwar7184]

I haven't had pocd but I definitely have been the victim of harm ocd and hocd and it's so crazy, it feels like an endless loop. Hope you are doing better

[@clarinhamulticoisas]

Wow! KZbin brought me to your video and I cannot describe how gratefull I feel for that! I have been dealing with POCD for about a year and a half now and is still so hard to talk about and to see other people talking about it! Thank you so much for speaking up and sharing a little bit of your storie. I hope you know how amazing you are and also that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Videos like this are very important for the whole community! Wishing you all the best!

[@audhdbaddie]

🥹🥹 so much love to u🫶🏼

[@mys_cs]

for coffee (or tea) 🫶🏻

[@audhdbaddie]

🥲 thank you so much❤️

[@dilynthinks]

i love this video you are such a badass

[@audhdbaddie]

Tysm 🤧❤️

[@twiggysalinas95]

Thank You So Much For this Video!!❤️🙏🏽I had this Experience for the first time this year in January, I was freaking out I felt like I had to be locked away in a mental institution. It was terrible. I was sexually abused when I was a little girl, not sure if something triggered me to have this kind of OCD. It’s Sooo Scary in the moment. I’m going to see a psychiatrist this week and I hope they help🙏🏽 Thank You and God Bless You for this Video❤️❤️❤️

[@LukeBraithwaite]

Rewatching this again as it helps me so much 💚

[@audhdbaddie]

🥹💗💗

[@The_New_Abnormal_World_Order]

Guys, you might it helpful to learn about the 'Internal Family Systems' model, (psychology.) According to this model, the OCD is only a part of you, it isn't all of you. I find it really helpful to remember that.

[@t091293]

you are freaking amazing and you help sooo many people with your video, I thank you in the name of all of them! :)